Author Topic: Oni Reviews  (Read 1588 times)

Oni

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Oni Reviews
« on: May 11, 2008, 01:24:35 AM »
Tara, I can't tell you how disappointed I am with a lack of topic subtitle.  Now how am I supposed to give myself (or the topic) interesting titles?!  For shame!   ;D

Well, I must say that was a rather interesting downtime.  I really hadn't expected WSNW to totally delete the site, but okay.  At least the story is on a better server now. 

At any rate I am back!  The extremely inconsistent but still present reviewer.   I will leave some reviews if I truly feel an issue needs addressed.  Unfortunately I think one does need addressed, and you'll be hearing that from me when I get around to typing it up--hopefully today.

At the moment, though, I'm glad to see the show will go on. ;D

Opal

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Re: Oni Reviews
« Reply #1 on: May 11, 2008, 10:23:58 AM »
I know, Invisionfree still has some things above SMF...blah. :P
"I've got a plan so cunning you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel." - Blackadder the Third

Oni

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Re: Oni Reviews
« Reply #2 on: May 11, 2008, 10:53:28 AM »
Okay,  I am sorry I have not been consistent in handing out reviews, particularly in amount of content, but I am here.  I have been reading along rather gaily.  Really, the story you guys have pieced together is pretty darned good, but there are some egregious flaws that keep this story from meshing realistically.

The Positive first:

Tassle: I am glad I voted for your character, because my expectations of her have not been shot.  I really, really like your character and I hope you can make it out alive.

Brooga: I  have never been fond of any moles BJ has ever written, but Brooga has definitely hit me in the right spot.  I’m not as optimistic as her at all times, but we certainly share that tendency to look at the glass half-full.

Ulrick: I am not particularly fond of badgers either as they all seem to come off the same.  Gruff, bloodwrath driven warriors but yours certainly stands apart.  In your app, I could hardly believe Ulrick would attack a Redwaller and a kit all in one breath, but you have been given enough room now to expand on that realistically.  Nicely done.

Cricket:  As I have said in every review regarding you, you have been a surprisingly fun character to read and not just another run-of-the-mill, annoying brats.  Cricket can actually be construed as evil!  Very well done.

Silus: Your writing has improved considerably since the first post, and as far as writing goes I’d have to say your latest was probably your greatest.  Unfortunately, your character is the constant source of my agitation with this story and I hope you can turn it around here in the next couple of chapters.

Ashira: I always look forward to reading your chapters.   You have a good writing style.  I also like the potentiality you have set up for your character by having her go hunt the wolves.  Can she do it?   I am certainly interested to find out. 
Now, these flaws that I see and I must dearly address for want of a better story—and probably a better character for it.

Silus:  Your character killed an otter—by accident, which I guess might be evil—but then he killed a creature loyal to him.  Why would he do that?  I mean, you specifically said the creature was loyal, which also suggests that there are other creatures among the crew not as loyal as this one.  If that is the case then why would Silus hack his own man down, when he could have easily framed an unloyal crewbeast?  For a business-type, Silus, your character isn’t really thinking these things through.

Now, I do recall in your application that you had the otter apparition there.  In your app, Silus was nervous and maybe even afraid, but in the story Silus wishes she were there.  What’s worse is that you have him talking back to her.  So now Silus is pretty crazy, which many people can tell you still doesn’t necessarily mean you’re evil, too.

On top of that, why would an evil character care more about whether he had enough food over Ashira trying to usurp his power?  Computational error!  Logic does not compute!  You had mentioned previously that Silus only cares about himself and Jonas, but part of making sure they get out is making sure that an enemy does not get into a position where she could kill them and prevent the other crew from saying anything about it.  Your character isn’t adding up, and really hasn’t been for a while.

Ulrick/Silus: Ulrick, you’ve done yourself a service by really defining your character, but there’s something in this little deal you’ve set up between yourself and Silus that does not coincide with your character.  Silus offers you a deal for your safe passage off the island and freedom, and I can’t help but wonder why Ulrick would actually believe him.  I mean, the badger has been through so much, you don’t think he wouldn’t be suspicious?  In your post, Ulrick, you never really delved into your badger’s thoughts so it’s hard to discern whether he does actually trust Silus or not.  I’m merely assuming that he does trust the weasel. 

I am also assuming that with the idea of Ulrick protecting Jonas, that this is meant to be an insurance for Jonas’ life in case Silus dies.  I mean, why else would Silus care about making a deal with Ulrick unless it were for that reason?  And Ulrick has no way of knowing whether Silus is going to make it off the island alive to keep his end of the deal.

This might also be construed as another reason why Silus really can’t be seen as evil in any way, shape, or form.  Does Silus really think that this creature will ever been in a position where he must kowtow to him?  If not, then as an evil character, he would be plotting Ulrick’s demise or enslavement. 

I see, though, at the end of Ulrick’s chapter Silus had his own personal cameo.  It’s probably a good thing Ashira dropped the relationship from a long time ago, because Silus never once appeared to care a jot for her the way she—briefly—had for him.  In fact, I’m not sure Silus feels anything at times.  Never worries, hardly ever fears, hardly ever angry—even when his power is being taken from him—and certainly never seems to revel in accomplishment or enjoy anything.

This sounds harsh—and that’s probably because it is—but your character cannot seem to find the perfect balance for him.  To a degree, a reader can and should be able to predict the actions of characters in a story and there has hardly been a time when I could predict your character’s actions.  I suppose, though, in your defense, Silus’ staunch position towards Jonas’ survival does at least ensure that we will never see him kill the former captain.

Silus

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Re: Oni Reviews
« Reply #3 on: May 11, 2008, 01:23:39 PM »
Oni, I fail to see how I killed the otter by accident rather than it being intentional.  After all, I advance on her intentionally, and when she resists, it leads to the first punch.


“Will you to be quiet?” he asked calmly. Through his grip, she nodded, but as he removed it her lungs expanded for yet another high pitched scream. Balling his fist, Silus punched her in the face, disgusted with everyone not listening.

This leads to:

Kelsey screamed again, glimpsing the anger in the weasel’s eyes as he stepped toward her. Another pawstep, another scream. Silus grabbed the helpless otter, spun her around, and forced the horrid screams to abruptly end.

“I asked for you to be quiet.” Silus, holding the otter fiercely in his paws, kissed the back of her head, and then with a gust of strength, he twisted. The otter’s neck broke with a satisfying snap; the body went limp. Petting her head, Silus grinned inwardly because she reminded him of the ghost otter’s touch. So soft.



Can you please explain to me how a punch followed by snapping her neck is unintentional?  Even the situation was brought upon by Silus, because he advanced first.  Although it went a negative way, he CHOSE to continue pressing Kelsey.

On another note, what makes you assume that to be evil, one must worry about power?  It's obvious that my character is worried about himself more than other things, and power, at least in relation to being Captain, is not one of his priorities.  If Ashira wants to flaunt her sword around and be on a pedestal, then so be it.  Silus has Ulrick to protect him.

Furthermore, I disagree that killing Tornear was a logical error.  I admit that I could have killed somebeast that was not loyal, but the repercussions of killing such a beast would arouse more suspicion than what may occur.  Tornear was available, an easy kill, and an idiot (therefore useless in the long run); that's without saying that he IS loyal and the fact that Silus appears to be willing to punish his loyal members for their crimes speaks more than him killing somebeast that he doesn't trust.


Business advice:  a bird in paw is not worth two in the bush; the held bird should be dead, the bushed two should be dying.

Oni

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Re: Oni Reviews
« Reply #4 on: May 11, 2008, 01:40:46 PM »
I think it was unintentional by all the constant stroking and the lazy little smiles that Silus was giving Kelsey.  I really don't think he had intended to kill her, but he ended up doing so due to the wrong reactions from her.

Now hold on a minute.  Your character is on the island because Jonas asked him to be a mercenary, if you will.  If Silus can fight then why does he need Ulrick to protect him?  I thought Ulrick was meant to help protect Jonas from Ashira.

Quote
On another note, what makes you assume that to be evil, one must worry about power?  It's obvious that my character is worried about himself more than other things, and power, at least in relation to being Captain, is not one of his priorities.  If Ashira wants to flaunt her sword around and be on a pedestal, then so be it.  Silus has Ulrick to protect him.

Selfishish-ness does not automatically make one evil.  Ulrick is the prime example of selfish-ness and it serves him well in regard to neutrality.  It might be the fact, as I stated in my first response, that we do not get enough emotion from Silus to make adequate judges of him.  Ashira is powerful, but that is not what makes her evil.  It's her revelry in tormenting souls and her clear disdain for the creatures she considers inferior.  Cricket is utterly powerless but she is evil because she has proven to have similar disdain to the woodlanders, going so far as to sabotage their rescue boat and then laugh as they flounder on the reefs. 

Silus is the most powerful on the island as you have very clearly shown, but he doesn't strike me as especially evil.  He does not take special time out of his day to make either the woodlanders or the crew miserable.  Not that he really needs to, just getting into his thoughts and having him think about what such morons he is surrounded by would help to cement where his alignment stands.  But I did also state that your latest chapter was your greatest, and part of that went under the fact that Silus actually seemed to be more evil in it. 

Quote
Furthermore, I disagree that killing Tornear was a logical error.  I admit that I could have killed somebeast that was not loyal, but the repercussions of killing such a beast would arouse more suspicion than what may occur.  Tornear was available, an easy kill, and an idiot (therefore useless in the long run); that's without saying that he IS loyal and the fact that Silus appears to be willing to punish his loyal members for their crimes speaks more than him killing somebeast that he doesn't trust.

You know, I thought everyone save Ashira and Silus were supposed to be idiots.  Do you really think the crewbeasts would make the connection that Silus was intentionally framing a disloyal member?  I mean, you had Tornear gagged so that he could not tell the crewbeasts otherwise.  I personally don't think your character's actions make sense. 
« Last Edit: May 11, 2008, 02:05:22 PM by Oni »

Opal

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Re: Oni Reviews
« Reply #5 on: May 12, 2008, 12:29:01 AM »
Thank you for reviewing, Oni!
"I've got a plan so cunning you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel." - Blackadder the Third

Cricket Argyll

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Re: Oni Reviews
« Reply #6 on: May 16, 2008, 01:47:18 PM »
Thanks so much for the reviews, Oni. I'm glad you were able to follow us over from the other board!
*crickets chirruping*

Sycamore

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Re: Oni Reviews
« Reply #7 on: May 17, 2008, 02:54:22 AM »
Silus, Oni is right. While I may not have enjoyed your post, it is most definitely the best one you have written. I hated it when Silus turned against Kelsey. I hated you for writing it. It was creepy, so unsettlingly creepy. I was so distressed at the end of it. Magnificent.

Now then, you spend so much time arguing a simple thing as whether or not he intentionally killed the otter that you ignore the larger part of Oni's review, that which pertains to his alignment. Read her post again and tell her what makes Silus evil. Heed her advice, too. We the audience need to see more inside Silus's head. Knowing what he is thinking, why he delivers his actions will give us more insight on his personality. I'm a little befuddled when it comes to Silus. We've seen the otter before, but briefly, and now she plays a huge role in the last post you wrote. Open our eyes a little. Unhinge his skull. In all honesty, I myself failed to see his darker nature until your last post.

Also, be careful of what you say. Despite what you wrote, Silus does not have Ulrick to protect him. He has Ulrick to protect Jonas. Nowhere in that deal was Silus mentioned to having the badger give him protection. If Ulrick is smart enough, he would have caught on to that. Silus would too.

You mention as well that Silus killed the otter intentionally. Try not to see it through one lense. Surely the beast was mad from the apparition. He even felt the otter's paws massaging his back. This was immediately prior to his getting angry at Kelsey. In that case, had his mind really snapped due to Kelsey's unexpected reactions, it would have made the murder accidental.

In all honesty, I think it's more true to Silus's character having his sanity break and an unintentional kill. I've mentioned this in other threads, but Silus would know what would happen if he kills a slave after they offer a truce. Complete and utter ruination of trust he needs to keep the slaves in check.

I know you say that Kelsey's death was intentional, but stand back a minute. Look at it from a different angle. See how you wrote it. What were the events leading up to it, and how did that cause the rest of the chapter to transpire? It's not so unbelievable that Oni was mistaken in Silus's intentions. In all honesty, I think her perspective works in your favor.
« Last Edit: May 17, 2008, 02:57:02 AM by Sycamore »
And then he DIED!!!

Oni

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Re: Oni Reviews
« Reply #8 on: May 26, 2008, 01:08:05 PM »
Well, it is Monday night (at least where I am) and I only see two posts up.  Isn't voting going up tonight?  Tsk tsk.  I ain't going to blast you people too badly for it but seriously...

On to the reviews!

Cricket:  This post was quite possibly your best written post and one of the greatest in terms of your character.  Very well done and superbly pulled off.  I am intrigued to see where this brings the poor islanders.  I really do hope you can get off the island.  You certainly won't be getting my vote, at least not this week.

Brooga:  Brooga, I really like your character and I hope you manage to get off the island, but I can't help but think you might have done yourself a disservice with this post.  This the first time that Brooga has seen death firsthand, I will certainly grant her that it is bound to be traumatizing.  Bound to be.  But the monster was injured and Brooga had a chance to kill it.  You even said in your post, she acknowledged it had weaknesses.  Since she didn't have a weapon, I think I can forgive her for running away but I'm sad about the complete breakdown and I hope Brooga gets her optimism back.  You shouldn't be getting my vote this week (or any for that matter), and I just hope that none of the other readers take the opportunity to vote for you. 

Oni

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Re: Oni Reviews
« Reply #9 on: May 26, 2008, 10:51:05 PM »
Tassle:  Oh dear.  We are back to the beginning.  Back to all the fluff and dialogue and very little action.  Not that there necessarily has to be action to move the story, but I am fairly sure nothing happened in this post and we simply listened to Tassle's suddenly dark musings.  Wasn't the fort already fortified before Ashira even went down into the cellars?  Tassle, I love your character, but I really hope you don't make this common in the next two/three weeks.

Silus:  Silus, guilty as charged for the same thing as Tassle.  First you start off your post with a couple of pages with italics.  So much in the way of italics that I actually skipped all the fluff and read the last sentence.  That's all I needed to do.  We already know that Silus has had previous dealings with Vonni.  Try to make your flashbacks a lot snappier.  And then, once the italics got out of the way, I had a feeling you were stalling, stalling trying to keep anything interesting (perhaps unfortunate?) from happening to your character.  As you said way back in your first post, not everything is 'rainbows 'n sunshine.'  Sometimes for positive character development you have to allow bad things to happen to your character. 

Now--this goes for all of you--I would like to see a lot more happen than merely dialogue and fort politics.