Author Topic: Stonewall's Lair (Of Reviews)  (Read 2921 times)

TNT

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Re: Stonewall's Lair (Of Reviews)
« Reply #15 on: June 19, 2013, 01:51:32 PM »
She could always go SLIGHTLY insane. That's always fun. Again, it does need to be done correctly, though. XD
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foxpen

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Re: Stonewall's Lair (Of Reviews)
« Reply #16 on: June 20, 2013, 01:23:23 PM »
I don't have any problem with angst. : /
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Balmafula

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Re: Stonewall's Lair (Of Reviews)
« Reply #17 on: June 20, 2013, 01:29:40 PM »
Well then you're just WRONG!

Nah, I like angst once in a while. Sometimes it's a good thing. But keep it active!

Stonewall

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Re: Stonewall's Lair (Of Reviews)
« Reply #18 on: July 02, 2013, 09:02:58 PM »
Death on the Snowfield, by Nyika

The beginning goes on a little long
But that's not necessarily wrong
I'm super happy with the part
Where Nyika and Zevka are under the cart
You have a relation right off the bat
Between the shifty stoat and the seer cat
I love the way they interact
With both caring about the other, in fact
I like that they combine their skills
To escape the cart that kills
There's a mentor/student element that they both do
To try and teach the other something that's new
I confess I'm surprised that she really can see
(Though I wonder, perhaps, if she's just crazy?)
I should have liked it if we didn't know
If she actually saw ghosts, or if that was a show
But for what it is, I think it works well
She's clearly scared of this power, and that's swell
Her fears mean she has something to overcome
And I think it can grow without being cumbersome
(One thing: I hate Big Bang, just FYI
But this time, I'll let the kitty poem fly)
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Stonewall

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Re: Stonewall's Lair (Of Reviews)
« Reply #19 on: July 02, 2013, 09:28:26 PM »
At the Mountains of Madness, by Zevka

The writers are definitely doing everything right
At keeping the characters together and the plot tight
Zevka, Nyika, and Poko
Bounce well off each other in this show
What makes me especially glad
Is that each character has something to add
Nyika is cautious, Poko is brash
And Zevka is seasoned but kind (just a dash!)
I like the balance of Zevka's traits
With saving some creatures and sending others to Gates
She can kill the hare, it might be cold
But she's motivated by mercy (or so we're told)
She's kind to the kids, but not really motherly
Which is fantastic, given her past of thievery
The relation with Nevka makes perfect sense
They meet through convenience, and necessity present tense
But they seem to like each other, opposites attract
And with Poko in the mix makes for a good interact
Also, I'm happy Mekad is one the other side of the hill
Because it gives Zevka an active quest to fulfill

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Stonewall

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Re: Stonewall's Lair (Of Reviews)
« Reply #20 on: July 02, 2013, 09:46:12 PM »
Misty Mountain Hop, by Risk

I didn't read Risk's app, I'll confess
But I have to say, this post does impress!
I love that Risk is a tricky sort of guy
He comes off as simple, yet is deceptively sly
Playing off Goragula was a terrific, the merchant vs. grunt
While the toad plots in secret, the ferret's more blunt
I love that Risk isn't calculating, but is still a threat
And in this game of survival, he's not a bad bet
His angles shine through in a nicely done way
He's accepting of death, until Poko's in play
His tough-guy demeanor has one or two cracks
And complete moral deficiency he seems to lack
He's looking out for number one, that much we know
But there's limitations on how far he'll go
And again, applause for interaction with cast
Goragula and Noonahootin got in nice and fast
I am the game, and I want to play

Stonewall

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Re: Stonewall's Lair (Of Reviews)
« Reply #21 on: July 04, 2013, 08:42:52 PM »
Deal With It and Keep Walking, by Vanessa

I like that Vanessa is good and tough
And isn't afraid to pitch into stuff
She's faced with a situation made to kill
But can't help but shake that sense of thrill
It's just the right balance: she's worried a bit
But doesn't waste time moping about it
It's a challenge that makes her almost giddy
And its fun to read that kind of energy
I really like characters who can tackle issues
(Cause it's no fun when people just cry into tissues)
And saving Gashrock, it definately works
It's nice to see that not all woodlanders are JERKS
One thing: As much as I love Zevka as a companion,
I think the relationship needs exposition
Given Zevka's shady past,
I'm not sure why they're friends so fast
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Nyika

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Re: Stonewall's Lair (Of Reviews)
« Reply #22 on: July 04, 2013, 09:45:25 PM »
Eeek! Stonewall, these are brilliant! I can't believe how much effort you're taking into constructing these! I'd write you a reply in rhyme, but I'm not very good at it. I'll point to my THIEVERY and THEFT of a popular sitcom. I mentioned this to Tara, but I discovered the song outside of the Big Bang Theory (I've actually never seen the show), and it wasn't until weeks or months later that I found out it was coined off the show (I think my first encounter of it was on the following t-shirt: http://www.myteespot.com/images/Images_d/img_Gr3tTN.jpg). I hope you can forgive me!

Apparently, the tune originates from the English children's song "Little bird, have you heard…" and the German folk song "Hänschen klien", so it doesn't have to be from Big Bang Theory if you don't want it to be!

I was hoping people would find it ENDEARING and CUTE but I GUESS I WAS WRONG. *sobs*

*hides it away so no one will ever see it again*

About seeing the ghosts, I addressed my intent in Tara's thread on Nyika's posts in the story proper:

Quote
Truthfully it was always my intent that if Nyika got in to display the ghosts as real and physical in her posts. With the different perspectives in the chapters, Nyika's focuses more behind her eyes so I want to show everyone exactly what she's seeing and what she's hearing. The application was more experimental, to introduce the concept that this is something not everyone can relate to, which is why I took it from more of an outside perspective.

Now I'm thinking this was a bad idea… *kitty sigh* But yes, she could still be crazy! Nobody knows!

You did have a lot of good points for me, though, and I appreciate that! Thank you! I am loving the relationship betwixt Zevka and Nyika and I'm so glad everyone else is, too! I think they compliment each other very well, and with Poko in addition there'll be a lot of fun banter to have.

Also, you mentioned the opening being a little too long. Did it drag too much, or was it at a pace where it was still enjoyable to read? I guess that's the only question I have for you.

I have to point out this line of yours, which is my absolute favorite:

Quote
Nyika is cautious, Poko is brash
And Zevka is seasoned but kind (just a dash!)

Again, thank you! I hope you continue doing these! They are so much fun to read!

Stonewall

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Re: Stonewall's Lair (Of Reviews)
« Reply #23 on: July 05, 2013, 02:10:52 PM »
Don't worry too much about the song. I do think it's funny that you found the song out of the context of Big Bang Theory. It's like when someone referenced Trogdor in Redscape, without knowing about the Homestar Runner joke, so it happens more often than you'd think.  ;D

As for the ghosts, I think the only reason it took me by surprise is because in the app, it seemed a bit more ambiguous, and I thought that Niyka was sort of pulling a con act. Now that it's been established within the story proper, though, it works. And, actually, it's good that you made it clear in the very first post, so that know we know for the long haul that this is where Niyka is at, and that we know what you're building off of and where the character is going.

About the beginning: It's not too big of a deal, because I can see what you were going for, with Zevka being zonked out and Nyika becoming more and more worried, as a way of developing tension and establishing that the cat is legit worried about the marten. The only thing is that I think she almost could have been woken up a few paragraphs earlier, just to get the action going a bit faster. Also, given that the reveal that Zevka is alive is done about three paragraphs before she jumps up, I think the tension is sort of hanging around a bit longer than it needs to. So at about:

Quote
"Zevka." She tried again, a hint of despair in her tone. Though she had met the pine marten no more than a week ago and was not yet ready to call her a friend, it was nice for once to have a companion that was not dead. She hoped she hadn't lost that.

I think it could have been followed almost immediately with:

Quote
"Zevka..." she whined, shaking her harder. Stooping forward, Nyika licked the bridge of the pine marten's muzzle. Then she was falling backwards, her nose having exploded in pain. A warm, metallic liquid dripped into her mouth and Nyika's paw went in instinct to staunch the flow of blood.

Just to tighten it up a bit, and make the payoff of Zevka being alive more sudden and the reveal more shocking.

Again, it's not a super big deal, just something that stuck out to me.
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Nyika

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Re: Stonewall's Lair (Of Reviews)
« Reply #24 on: July 07, 2013, 06:27:49 PM »
Ahh, I see what you mean. Yes, you're right, I might have spent too much time continuing to build tension when there was no more tension to build. Looking back on the passage, I think my intent was to switch focus on the ghosts outside of the wagon to develop a frantic atmosphere for the cat, so that when Zevka does wake up and punches her in the nose, it's sort of anticlimactic and humourous. It may have been poorly executed though. That bit about sleeping and death may not have been necessary, but I was trying to draw a parallel in that inside the wagon is life, and outside is death.

But this is just me beginning to ramble, haha. Thanks for the feedback! I really appreciate it!

Stonewall

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Re: Stonewall's Lair (Of Reviews)
« Reply #25 on: July 08, 2013, 09:32:52 PM »
Golden Fools, by Gashrock

It's a character post to establish the rat
Which you do very well right off the bat
We understand how Gashrock ticks
How she'd rather be sewing than picking up sticks
She has great pride, that definitely shows,
And I get an idea of how future interaction goes
Which brings us to a big of a snag
Regarding the narration, on which I must nag
I believe I get what you were going for,
But did it work? I'm not too sure
I get that it's written heavily in POV
Which necessarily reflects her misery
The narration comes from the character's thoughts
And of course she's going to be grumpy lots
The only thing is in regards to the cast
And how they're written that I'd like recast
Nessa stammers, Poko does too
And their strengths don't really get to come through
It felt like they're downplayed an awful lot
In that they're always wrong and Gashrock is not
Establishing Gashrock's character does come first
Just try and make the other characters not always cursed
I am the game, and I want to play

Stonewall

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Re: Stonewall's Lair (Of Reviews)
« Reply #26 on: July 08, 2013, 09:52:58 PM »
Respect is Earned, Not Given, by Goragula

I love the tension that you bring
With how Goragula views everything
He's stuck himself with a nome-de-plume
And without that, he meets his doom
Yet I think he secretly wants them to know
The notoriety would satisfy his ego
He has to downplay his sense of grandeur
But pretty much can't, and thus I'm not sure
How long he can go before he cracks
And starts to take some knives to backs
What I love is he's certain that he's in control
But his character flaws are poised to take their toll
He can plot and plan, but he's vulnerable still
And that kind of tension is great to instill
I also love his position within the troupe
He might hate them, but they can make him frog soup
He's treading on ice, and he's got to take care
If he's going to make it through with the others unaware
I am the game, and I want to play

Nyika

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Re: Stonewall's Lair (Of Reviews)
« Reply #27 on: July 20, 2013, 11:02:13 PM »
Stonewall! I hope we haven't lost you!! Your reviews are so fun to read and it's nice to have opinions of our posts! I hope everything is okay on your side of the screen!

Stonewall

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Re: Stonewall's Lair (Of Reviews)
« Reply #28 on: July 24, 2013, 09:53:40 AM »
Sorry for the absence. >_< Last week was, without going into too much detail, somewhat trying, and then I fell behind. I'll try to get caught up.
I am the game, and I want to play