Author Topic: Vizon's Story Feedback  (Read 3900 times)

Vizon

Vizon's Story Feedback
« on: June 27, 2013, 10:32:03 PM »
Okay, to be frank, I feel a  bit guilty over my past posts – particularly the ones near the end of the application submission contest that said things like “Vist is a shew-in” and “Risk is just as out of favor as Ben.” I feel like I may have contributed to some people voting in a way that they might not have if I’d not tried so hard to make predictions. I also feel like maybe I was too hard on Risk and maybe a little more gung-ho about who should get in and who shouldn’t than I needed to be. I’m sure that no matter who got in, they’d do their best and it wouldn’t be shabby. Everyone had decently written apps. Okay, granted, Goragula is still amazing, but everyone knows that. I can’t wait to see his bit of the story.

Now, for some feedback, since the story’s made some progress.

Poko “The Fall”

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Her father had defended her – like always. Poko specialized in finding trouble, it seemed
I can’t help but wonder what sort of trouble it is that Poko caused. I can only guess she was trying to steal and failed again? Or did she do something else?
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  She herself had not inherited that enviable grace.
Poko slipped and her father’s supporting arm helped her regain her footing.

I like that she slips right after that sentence.

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She snuggled close, sharing her protective hedgehog robe, but her mother’s body slowly grew cold.

Aww. Short and sad. A very quick read. Well that takes care of our little thief’s invincible brattiness. Or does it? We shall see! I for one hope that her character is developed a bit more through interaction with the others. Will she steal  from Goragula? Will she survive the creepy cultic otter?


Nyika “Death on the Snowfield”

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The wildcat's claws came out, leaving their sheaths to rest on Zevka's arm, grasping her fur as Nyika attempted a feeble pull to bring her closer.

Aren’t the sheaths the soft covering of the claws? If her claws are out, then wouldn’t the claws be in Zevka’s arm? Oh well. Doesn’ t matter I guess.

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They had to leave, to survive.

Not sure about the structure of this sentence. Does it need the comma? Or maybe a dash instead? Not that I have perfect spelling and grammar…

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Placing her paw on Zevka's body, Nyika gave a small shake, hissing as she jostled her bad arm. Nothing. Despite the pain she tried it again, this time speaking her name. Still nothing.

For some reason I can’t help thinking of that ewok trying to shake its dead friend awake in “Return of the Jedi.” XD

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"Oh, relax. You're too soft to be a vermin.

Do vermin actually call themselves “vermin?” I always thought it was kind of a slur of sorts toward beast of certain species. It’s been a while since I read the books though, truth be told. I’ve role-played myself into a different Redwall world where vermin are not so easily distinguished. Vizon, my main character who is a mink is very similar to an otter (swimming mustelid that eats fish), but also relative to a weasel. But only one of those is a “vermin,” so what is my mink? Sorry – rabbit trail.

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Her head was swimming; she felt like she was going to sick up. "It won't matter much," she said, trying hard to keep the bile from rising […]
The wildcat's paw scanned the ground, encountering a few scattered belongings, a tussled up blanket, and a loaf of bread. Nyika shoved the bread in her mouth before continuing the search…

Seems pretty hungry for having just felt like puking!  Well that should hold her over for a while – a whole loaf!

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It was a sickening drop to the field below, the cliff face sheer and jagged like a torn loaf of bread.

I think the writer was hungry when they wrote this! :D

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"She's lingering!" Nyika shouted, turning to the ferret kit with ears pinned back and a scowl on her face.

I can’t decide if this is Nyika or Poko with ears pinned back and a scowl…


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Her mind had entered a translucid state; her senses felt dulled, and time seemed to last forever. One footpad in front of the other. One footpaw in front of the other. She felt like she was swimming.

I’m not sure I like experiencing the length of her getting from point A to point B throughout this post. I guess it helps me to sympathize how difficult it is for her to move through the crowds of ghosts, but it’s a bit grueling to read.

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dying of cold and shock and murder.
Murderrrr?

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Peering over the ledge Nyika looked down the cliff face, her tail bottle brushing at the sight before her. Never had she seen so much death in one place at one time. It was horrifying. The wildcat paled watching the dead wander about, discovering their deaths and seeking reasons for it. She watched them mass together like a growing hive descending upon the weak, tormenting those close to death. They were ruthless. Nyika fell back, gasping, once more rolling into a little ball and rocking. Back and forth, back and forth. What if they scaled upwards? What if they found them? What would she do? What could she do?

This reminds me a lot of Walking Dead. Or any zombie movie. The dead walking around in a mass – ready to come for you and EAT YOUR BRAAAAAIIIINS! :D

Overall – lots of nice descriptive words. Dripping with pathos. A little long to read, but yeah – I hadn’t thought of all the ghosts Nyika would see after the road collapse. There certainly would be a lot of them after such a huge disaster.

I guess I’ll review the other two later. I need a break.

Vizon

Re: Vizon's Story Feedback
« Reply #1 on: June 28, 2013, 02:31:22 PM »
Okay back again for more.

Zevka “At the Mountains of Madness”

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The marteness leapt up, paws instinctively scrambling to find a tree branch, and failing. The whole effect was rather undignified.

Love this description! Ha ha! I can picture it so well, and it is highly amusing.

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The source of the scream was a hare in a Yew Guard outfit. They had all seen him, but taken the sword through his stomach as a sign that he was dead. Apparently he wasn't.

Wait – he’s been stabbed through with a sword? I thought this was a landslide, not a battle. Then again, maybe this is the murder Nyika was talking about in her post?

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Everybeast stared at the hare. Even Nyika. All three of them walked over to the hare, Nyika trying to comfort the stricken beast, Poko gnawing at her fist as she stared at the wounded beast, unable to look away, and Zevka's eyes hardening.

The repetition in this sentence would be complete if it had ended with “Zevka’s eyes hardening toward the dying beast!”


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"Get away from me! I'm fine, doncha know! Fit as a flippin' fiddle and spry as --aaAIIIIIIHHHHH!!!!" The hare's increasingly delirious attempts to demonstrate just what a peak specimen of health he was had clearly backfired.

I don’t know how you did it, but this is both hilarious and horrible at once.


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"Wait! No! I...I really think I feel better now! Any bally minute now,

Ha ha ha – this is so Monty Python!


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  "But it's still his life! If he doesn't want you to end it, then why should you? He should be able to choose! Otherwise...you might as well put her out of her misery too..." The ferret nodded at Nyika. 

Well what better situation for philosophizing about mercy killing than when you’re freshly orphaned and stranded in the snowy wilderness surrounded by dying creatures?

And that’s about it. I like how Zevka is both matronly and rough. Very practically-minded (maybe a little too practically minded with the cannibalism suggestion. Or does that count as cannibalism since they’re different species?). All in all, a good read once I got through the flashbacks. Not that those weren't well-written, but I’m not a big fan of long flashbacks (also not a big fan of psychics/seers, which probably makes me somewhat biased against poor Nyika). The part about Mekad writing an outrageously flowery letter was funny though, and I guess it does help to see why on earth this tough ex hordebeast would want to partner up with a nervous sixth-sensed helpless kitten. Sort of. I might have gone for a stronger beast myself if I’m taking on cat-nappers who can overpower a full-grown wildcat.

I like the conflict of characters in these so far, despite all being “vemin.” Definitely different personalities. Nyika’s post, now that I’ve thought on it a while had some fun interaction as well when there was that big misunderstanding and argument with Poko over whether her mother was still there or not. Poor Zevka having to deal with two squabbling emotionally stricken teens…
I guess also it’s pretty sure that Nyika does see ghosts (from her post). Or I guess it could all be in her head still. That would be interesting if it is.

Okay on to the next story post:

Risk “Misty Mountain Hop”

Alright I’m going to try to go into this with an open mind after I was so hard on him previously. Clean slate.

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Risk remembered the last time he'd woken up in a tree. Not the night before, but definitely that morning. Twelve miles from camp, naked, and being poked at by tiny, angry, painted weasels.

Well right off I’m a little confused. The night before? That morning he had also woken up in a tree?
Oh I think I get it after a few read-throughs – he’s remembering that he didn’t remember the night before he woke up in a tree naked. Mmmhmm. Heh…it sounds like an interesting tale. Maybe he’ll cover it sometime and title that post “The Worst Hangover Ever” or something, heh heh. “Leave me alone I have a splitting headache!” *throws weasels like darts*

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The broken branches under him shook free and crashed down after.

Maybe there’s just something about the way Risk’s author writes that throws me off. I thought when I read this that the branches that were under him fell away and for a moment didn’t see why he wasn’t falling too. But it’s broken branches that fell and the branches he’s being supported by are not broken I am assuming now.

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"Talk about a cold reception."

He reflexively ducked a little, and immediately felt ashamed for saying it. It was a terrible thing to say. Pyracantha would have hustled him off stage for it, or let the rain of rotten rhubarb do it for her. Then again, he was fairly certain he did not have a job anymore. He could make all the puns he liked.

Oh my! Risk is PUNNY? I think I like him better already.

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Suddenly he couldn't think of anything further to say. So instead he cussed- and the wind cussed back, bitter and sharp as any old sailor, spit-fleck snow scalding his cheeks.

Risk crouched, ears straining for any signs of life. There wasn't a fleck of light to be seen

Tara’s right – this is a great line. Too bad he used “fleck” again right after it though. Takes from it a little. But it’s still good.
Also I’m not sure why he thinks he has to say anything at all (as if he’s having a conversation). But it’s still a good line.

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He hustled the rats' clothes off their backs and tossed them aside. Too small to wear without... Damn, he'd miss Gashrock. Where in Hellgates was he going to find another tailor who just made things fit? Back to washing his own clothes, too... 

I really like this line too. Good to include Gashrock already. After all, if Risk is a Dewhurst player he ought to know her.

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Right now, he needed a tent. He spun his knife around his knuckles, pondering. More likely a sleeping bag. Something to keep him warm besides his moleskin cloak and shabby tunic. Pyracantha didn't like them traveling in the good stuff. 

Heh – I like this bit too. I like that it’s a lot more thoughtful than the app seemed. Oh wait – clean slate (I’m not supposed to be thinking about the app while I read this). Sorry.

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"Aye," said Risk. He looked down. It wasn't as bad as he'd thought it was. He tugged it out with nary a grunt and tossed it on the fire. It crackled and hissed, spitting like a kitten, and just as warm.

Ha. Nice description there.

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Risk glowered. It was just the toad. It had made a hole in the snow and only its face peered out at him.

The toad?  I guess this means that Risk met him before? Or maybe he just saw him – I guess a toad would be unusual to see amidst a lot of mammals. And in winter.

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"Alright. But if you start to die on me, just know I ain't got patience for all that quiverin' an' moanin'. I'm just gonna slit you."

The toad almost chuckled.

"You are an honest beast, ferret."

"Not really."

Risk is such a vermin! He’s a good match with Goragula.

Okay I am much happier with this post. There are a couple turns of phrases that I would have worded differently, but overall it was pretty fun to read.

And it looks like another post came up between yesterday and now.  I will cover that one later I think. Two at a time seems a decent pace for me.
« Last Edit: July 01, 2013, 05:02:18 PM by Vizon »

Nyika

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Re: Vizon's Story Feedback
« Reply #2 on: June 30, 2013, 11:37:19 AM »
Nyika “Death on the Snowfield”

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The wildcat's claws came out, leaving their sheaths to rest on Zevka's arm, grasping her fur as Nyika attempted a feeble pull to bring her closer.

Aren’t the sheaths the soft covering of the claws? If her claws are out, then wouldn’t the claws be in Zevka’s arm? Oh well. Doesn’ t matter I guess.

>>Hmm, it's funny, I thought this was a really well crafted line, but after getting two other opinions of it I realize how messy and convoluted it is. The idea behind the sentence was that her claws came out of their sheaths (which are the soft covering of the claws) to grab Zevka's fur in order to pull her closer. I'm just fascinated by retractible claws, and I think I got carried away with the "leaving their sheaths" line to realize how it ruined the structure. It's something to make note, and I'll be more careful in the future. Thanks for pointing it out!

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They had to leave, to survive.

Not sure about the structure of this sentence. Does it need the comma? Or maybe a dash instead? Not that I have perfect spelling and grammar…

>>This was my attempt at a … wait for it … dramatic pause. It would have been better to use an ellipses or a dash. I definitely have to work on my comma usage. I'm almost afraid to count how many I used, haha.

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"Oh, relax. You're too soft to be a vermin.

Do vermin actually call themselves “vermin?” I always thought it was kind of a slur of sorts toward beast of certain species. It’s been a while since I read the books though, truth be told. I’ve role-played myself into a different Redwall world where vermin are not so easily distinguished. Vizon, my main character who is a mink is very similar to an otter (swimming mustelid that eats fish), but also relative to a weasel. But only one of those is a “vermin,” so what is my mink? Sorry – rabbit trail.

>>You know, I actually am not sure. The use of the term "vermin" seems so commonplace to me that this kind of statement didn't feel weird or odd at all. Does anyone more familiar with the books have an answer?

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Her head was swimming; she felt like she was going to sick up. "It won't matter much," she said, trying hard to keep the bile from rising […]
The wildcat's paw scanned the ground, encountering a few scattered belongings, a tussled up blanket, and a loaf of bread. Nyika shoved the bread in her mouth before continuing the search…

Seems pretty hungry for having just felt like puking!  Well that should hold her over for a while – a whole loaf!

>>It doesn't have to be a large loaf!!

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It was a sickening drop to the field below, the cliff face sheer and jagged like a torn loaf of bread.

I think the writer was hungry when they wrote this! :D

>>Or Nyika is hungry, heehee. She did just eat a whole loaf.

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"She's lingering!" Nyika shouted, turning to the ferret kit with ears pinned back and a scowl on her face.

I can’t decide if this is Nyika or Poko with ears pinned back and a scowl…

>>It was meant to be Nyika, but Poko works well, too, haha. This is something I've been trying to watch out for, keeping descriptions to the characters I intend them for. In this case I kind of messed it up.

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Her mind had entered a translucid state; her senses felt dulled, and time seemed to last forever. One footpad in front of the other. One footpaw in front of the other. She felt like she was swimming.

I’m not sure I like experiencing the length of her getting from point A to point B throughout this post. I guess it helps me to sympathize how difficult it is for her to move through the crowds of ghosts, but it’s a bit grueling to read.

>>Ooh, may I probe you a little bit? What do you mean by "grueling"? Is it boring? Grueling in terms of you were experiencing the same feelings that Nyika was feeling? I know there was a lot of traveling in this post, and I didn't want it to be a "Let's go. Hey, we're here." kind of thing.


Thank you for reviewing! I know a lot of us are on the edge of our seats with audience participation, so this is very much appreciated! You've given me some good feedback and I'll keep this in mind for my writing. Thanks again!

Balmafula

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Re: Vizon's Story Feedback
« Reply #3 on: June 30, 2013, 11:50:08 AM »
Vermin do call themselves vermin, if Flinky's many ballads are any indication.

Rousseau

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Re: Vizon's Story Feedback
« Reply #4 on: June 30, 2013, 12:18:04 PM »
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Thank you for reviewing! I know a lot of us are on the edge of our seats with audience participation, so this is very much appreciated!

You'll be getting reviews from me as well pretty soon, I've just been very busy for the last week. I don't think I've even read any of the posts yet except for maybe Poko's, so you should be getting some more feedback once my schedule starts clearing up and I'm actually able to read them all. Also, fanart is coming as well... but again, time constraints, though I do have a cool idea for a picture involving Noonahootin that's making me want to do themed pictures this time around. But yeah, if I'm not able to review round 1 though, I'll definitely see if I can get the other weeks so that you don't only have three reviewers to get your critiques from.
I'm Busy

Vizon

Re: Vizon's Story Feedback
« Reply #5 on: June 30, 2013, 03:36:33 PM »

>>Ooh, may I probe you a little bit? What do you mean by "grueling"? Is it boring? Grueling in terms of you were experiencing the same feelings that Nyika was feeling? I know there was a lot of traveling in this post, and I didn't want it to be a "Let's go. Hey, we're here." kind of thing.


Thank you for reviewing! I know a lot of us are on the edge of our seats with audience participation, so this is very much appreciated! You've given me some good feedback and I'll keep this in mind for my writing. Thanks again!

Truthfully I was reaching for what to critique and I think I just fell into grammar/structural stuff by default. Nothing I mentioned is really that big of a deal. It's nitpicking for the sake of having something to write! On that note, I probably need to work on the "constructive" part of my criticism, heh heh. Re-reading it, I guess I didn't say a lot of positive things, but I did like your post. It helped to clarify just what Nyika sees (which we could not tell from the app).

As for dragging, I can understand not wanting to just jump from one point to another when it's a difficult trek for Nyika to make. I think it was necessary to an extent to make the audience experience the weight Nyika felt. Perhaps I just didn't like feeling it for so much of the post. It probably has a lot to do with my not enjoying long delvings into the supernatural world (which as I said before is more my issue - not an issue with the writing). As I said before in my conversation with Chokk: In the crazy, supernatural world of X-files, for example, I sympathized most with Agent John Doggett, who even when confronted with the wacky world of Aliens, cults, and mystical creatures, tried to be level-headed.

That said, Nyika's ability does make for some interesting potential interactions with the other characters.

Oh and good job having her get a broken arm. It's more realistic, I think, that after something as drastic as toppling over a cliff that those involved should be injured. Poko has a hurt toe, which is...pretty mild imo for such a fall. Risk got that branch stuck in his belly. Zevka and Goragula seem pretty unscathed. I think they should at least be bruised and scraped up...at the least. Oh well. Miracles can happen I guess.

Painted an illustration for you, by the way. It's in the Art stuff thread. Consider that also part of my review.

Vizon

Re: Vizon's Story Feedback
« Reply #6 on: July 01, 2013, 05:01:07 PM »
I’m going to try to be a little more constructive in these next few reviews.

Vanessa “Deal With It and Keep Walking”

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Death didn’t feel this cold.

Actually I always did think of death as feeling quite cold. But I get it. She’s feeling the biting sting of cold which means she’s still feeling rather than losing all feeling. And anyway the next line about sharp rocks poking into her back makes up for it.

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  it was the eerie silence that was slowly seeping into the normally buoyant and cheerful otter’s heart, chilling the living warmth within her.

Good line!


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“Have at ye, ye sorry excuses fer a bairn’s pebbles. Yer noo stoppin’ me... Aaaah!

Ooops – forgot your endquote. I like how she’s angry at the rubble though.


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Ye doon’t even know where yer goin’ yerself, Nessie. What’s the use o’ carryin’ a dead weight aroond till ye drop?

Be quiet, ye dinnae just leave a beast tae die. That’s no what Da would have done.

Weel, mebbe there’s a reason why he’s dead.

Shut up! ‘Sides after all the braw trouble Ah took tae dig her oot, t’would be a shame tae leave her tae freeze. 

I cannot help but imagine Foxpen’s voice for all of Vanessa’s dialog.


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  the otter was focusing only on placing one paw in front of the other, her mind numb to all else, including the whoosh of air and snow particles as Captain Noonahootin of the Guard landed a few feet away with a loud hoot.

“Guardsbeast Vanessa!”

Half-closed eyes blinked dazedly at the owl as the ottermaid muttered automatically.

“Me name’s Nessa, ye foozlebrai... Captain?”

Her head snapped up as she fully registered Noonahootin’s presence.

Wow she must really be out of it to not see a creature several times her size land loudly in front of her.

And that’s about it for that one. Nicely written. A good read.

I like how everyone is slowly coming together.


Gashrock “Golden Fools”


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There was a deep gash on the limb, blood at its edges having already caked over.

I expect she got the gash from a rock? ;D


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Gashrock doubted even she could have incited a crash without meaning to.
By crash do you mean the landslide?


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  Once again Gashrock tried to think about how young she must have been.
Gashrock or Poko? I am not following what this is referring to… “Must have” sounds like in the past. Does it mean how young Gashrock must have been when she first drank grog? I am unsure.


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Poko whimpered, but made no distinct reply as Blackbriar fetched her some drink, as Fern and Nyika huddled by, as Gashrock reached for her. 

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  Everything she made, she made to fold, to bend, to wave. 

Not sure about the structure of these sentences, but since there are two, it seems intentional at least.

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Except, Poko's sweat warm beneath her, she'd been called upon to sew something that would stay still.
I dunno – toes move too. But I guess they’re still pretty different from fabric!


Well Gashrock sure is a surly beast – but it was nice of her to sew Poko’s toe and help everybody with the fire and wood and such. She seems a very practical beast, and she’s got a funny way of talking that’s entertaining. The writing style is very different from what I’m used to. It’s neat to see the different ways different authors present their characters. Gashrock seems very inward focused, yet compliant to others’ requests when asked. I’d still like to understand her better though. Maybe we can learn more of her history in the next post.

Vizon

Re: Vizon's Story Feedback
« Reply #7 on: July 01, 2013, 06:17:18 PM »
Well it was still daylight so I went ahead and did two more. I had to with Goragula being next and all.



GORAGULAAAAAA “Respect is Earned, Not Given”


Yay! I’ve been looking forward to this one.


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  Like a sapling that flourished in loose mud, the proclaimed morality of hotbloods was uprooted at the first storm.

Ha ha – so eloquently condescending!


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The snowfall was beginning to thicken now, swarming in the sky like an explosion of gnats on a wet summer’s eve.

I love how this is such a toad’s view of the snow.

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They were all jills, huddled together under their capes and pressed close to the rocks in a hapless attempt to shelter from the wind.

Jills? I guess that means females. Is this a Redwall term? I don’t recall. Or maybe a toad term?

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Apart from the marten, they looked like a bunch of scraggy molls.

I had to look up “moll” too – they look like prostitutes??? Well I guess they are kind of Gypsy-like in dress from what I’ve gathered… except I think Poko’s in a hedgehog robe or something which I’m not sure lends itself so much to that impression, ha ha!

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But it was strange to see it this way, when he’d taken no part in bringing it about, and could observe it objectively.

Such a cold-blood, Goragula!

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He’d have to get rid of them.

It would be no mean feat. He certainly could not overpower them himself, especially not with a beast like Cookie at their side. However, the strength of their youth paled in comparison to the wisdom and cunning of the toad’s seasoned years. Though he could not fight them, he knew he could outwit them at any game of the mind.

And he would.

But first, he needed to gain their trust.

Oooooh ending with another shiver-inducing glimpse into this toad’s intelligent heartlessness! The others have no idea the kind of monster that crouches within their midst! Spine-tingling!
I love how Goragula’s knocked down so many pegs and realizes just how vulnerable he is. I also like that we can see all the other characters so well through his eyes, despite his lack of sympathy. Well done! Very well done!



Istvan “Pepper Steak”


Okay I had to review this one too – Istvan has got to be a good read, even if he is a creeper.


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Cheap metal pots and pans shined like stars, smashed glass glistened silver in the moonlight, and colorfully dyed strips of cloth snagged on trees or rocks became tattered banners.

Wasn’t Gashrock just digging a cheap pan out of a wagon? She must have missed all this!

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The precious red blood dripped lazily down, over his paws and onto the rocks, flowing in a pattern reminiscent of that traced out in ink on his face

Aw, the tattoos are supposed to look like drips and splatters? I wonder if I should rethink my Istvan avatar design…

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“Help me, please,” pleaded the merchant. The otter put a paw on her head and took out his knife.

“This is the greatest help I can give,” he replied. “It is not for you, but for the balance of the world.”

She didn’t make a sound, just stared open-mouthed at him as he put the blade to her throat and returned her lifeblood to the All-Mother. Istvan admired that stoic silence. If more beasts accepted their rightful fate, the world would be a much better place.

Uggghhhhhhhhh…Istvan is SO CREEPY! Poor mouse! I’m sure that was the silence of disbelief rather than acceptance!

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as the highest-ranking guardsbeast that appears to be left, I am deputizing you with official authority to take charge of this group and get them to safety.”

Eeeeeeeee! Gads! No!

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His companion hopped over to an otter jill garbed in the familiar blue uniform.

Ah, this term “jill” must be more commonplace than I realized. *makes a note*

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Istvan blinked. That was... unexpected. He could not recall the last time somebeast had stuck up for him. It probably helped that this ferret was not influenced by the horror stories about him that made the rounds of the Guard barracks, but it was still a welcome surprise. 

I like this glimpse into Istvan’s experience with others. I imagine he would be a bit of an outcast when paired with beasts like Grainger and the like who value the lives of their charges rather than saying they’d prefer them all dead!

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Mountains, Istvan soon discovered, only looked beautiful from far away. Up close they were full of deadly crevices, slick with ice buried under unassuming piles of snow, and covered in impossibly sharp rocks that sliced through his boots and into the pads of his paws. Never had he felt so nostalgic for the city of Yew, for all its accusations, hatred, sin, and lies. 

This is nicely worded!

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The otter himself fell in line next to the young wildcat, and after a while he noticed that she was edging away from him with a wide-eyed look of fear. 

Ha! I expect she would! Who knows how many ghosts haunt Istvan!

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When Cookie- apparently this was what they called the older ferret, though unless his mother had been a hungry lackwit it was most likely a nickname- finally called back that he could see the cave, the group was too exhausted to muster up any kind of excitement.

Kind of a long aside note. It almost is too long. I wonder if it would have been better housed in parenthesis? Well not that important. It’s still quite readable.

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  In truth the rat did most of the work,

Poor Gashrock – ha ha! This seems to be her lot in life!

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but the otter at least had enough strength left to salvage some boards from a mostly intact cart that had landed just outside the cave. 

WAIT – wasn’t the cave supposed to be like a half-mile away from where the collapse happened? How did a cart end up that far away?

And that’s about it for commentary. Istvan is still a creepazoid, and it’s unnerving to see him glory in all the death that happened. He’s one twisted psycho.
Okay I’m going to take a break again, even though I only have one more post to review (sorry Noonahootin!).

Balmafula

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Re: Vizon's Story Feedback
« Reply #8 on: July 01, 2013, 07:20:04 PM »
Concerning the other cart, I would imagine that there would be more than one merchant cart traveling along with the group and it might have been carried farther by the avalanche.

Vizon

Re: Vizon's Story Feedback
« Reply #9 on: July 01, 2013, 08:42:46 PM »
Yes, but a half mile? I suppose the collapse could have been a half-mile wide.......maybe? Still seems a bit of a stretch! And here in Noonahootin's post he confirms that the cave is half a mile "up" the road (not down the mountain side):

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Short hours before dawn, the long-eared owl finally located the cave, half a mile up from the road just as Flax had said.

Not that it ruins the story or anything, but for the convenience of having wood to burn is sounds to me like this distance was overlooked.

Goragula

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Re: Vizon's Story Feedback
« Reply #10 on: July 03, 2013, 03:56:21 AM »
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They were all jills, huddled together under their capes and pressed close to the rocks in a hapless attempt to shelter from the wind.

Jills? I guess that means females. Is this a Redwall term? I don’t recall. Or maybe a toad term?

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Apart from the marten, they looked like a bunch of scraggy molls.

I had to look up “moll” too – they look like prostitutes??? Well I guess they are kind of Gypsy-like in dress from what I’ve gathered… except I think Poko’s in a hedgehog robe or something which I’m not sure lends itself so much to that impression, ha ha!

'Jill' is a term for female mustelids. I think it only applies to the 'mustela' genus, i.e. ferrets/stoats/weasels, so I don't know if it fits for Zevka or Vanessa - but I used it because 1) I'd seen other contestants using it, so it fits with the general vocab of the story, 2) 'maid' is quite an innocent sounding term, one that I'm not sure Goragula would use very often (I did call Poko a ferretmaid, because she's young and looks harmless), 3) being a toad, I don't think Goragula would really care or even know about the species distinctions between mammals, as they're all just hotbloods to him. So he's heard the vermin he associates with bandying around the term 'jil' and has just picked it up to refer to adult females.

And 'moll' - hah, I guess it does mean prostitute, but that's not how I meant it! I was actually using it in the sense of 'gun moll', i.e. a gangster's female partner-in-crime. That's an anachronism, I know, but it fits the character! I wanted to get across that Goragula really doesn't associate with females at all, so he'd probably only meet them in that context. So by saying 'scraggy molls', he means they look as scruffy and sneaky as the girlfriends of his crime associates. I also need to come up with a derogatory term for women that wasn't too offensive, given the rules against swearing.

I definitely put too much thought into single word choices! Oh well. Thank you for your review, Vizon. I appreciate it, and I'm very glad you enjoyed my post.
:goragula: What does a toad with a BA in Literature say?

... Do you want flies with that?

Nyika

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Re: Vizon's Story Feedback
« Reply #11 on: July 03, 2013, 01:54:50 PM »

>>Ooh, may I probe you a little bit? What do you mean by "grueling"? Is it boring? Grueling in terms of you were experiencing the same feelings that Nyika was feeling? I know there was a lot of traveling in this post, and I didn't want it to be a "Let's go. Hey, we're here." kind of thing.


Thank you for reviewing! I know a lot of us are on the edge of our seats with audience participation, so this is very much appreciated! You've given me some good feedback and I'll keep this in mind for my writing. Thanks again!

Truthfully I was reaching for what to critique and I think I just fell into grammar/structural stuff by default. Nothing I mentioned is really that big of a deal. It's nitpicking for the sake of having something to write! On that note, I probably need to work on the "constructive" part of my criticism, heh heh. Re-reading it, I guess I didn't say a lot of positive things, but I did like your post. It helped to clarify just what Nyika sees (which we could not tell from the app).

As for dragging, I can understand not wanting to just jump from one point to another when it's a difficult trek for Nyika to make. I think it was necessary to an extent to make the audience experience the weight Nyika felt. Perhaps I just didn't like feeling it for so much of the post. It probably has a lot to do with my not enjoying long delvings into the supernatural world (which as I said before is more my issue - not an issue with the writing). As I said before in my conversation with Chokk: In the crazy, supernatural world of X-files, for example, I sympathized most with Agent John Doggett, who even when confronted with the wacky world of Aliens, cults, and mystical creatures, tried to be level-headed.

That said, Nyika's ability does make for some interesting potential interactions with the other characters.

Oh and good job having her get a broken arm. It's more realistic, I think, that after something as drastic as toppling over a cliff that those involved should be injured. Poko has a hurt toe, which is...pretty mild imo for such a fall. Risk got that branch stuck in his belly. Zevka and Goragula seem pretty unscathed. I think they should at least be bruised and scraped up...at the least. Oh well. Miracles can happen I guess.

Painted an illustration for you, by the way. It's in the Art stuff thread. Consider that also part of my review.

Aww, thank you! I understand the post was pretty miserable, but unless there's another massacre this is about as heavy as I'm going to get delving into Nyika's ghosts and haunts. Truth be told, ever since I read the first prologue and dreamed her up I knew my first post had to deal with all the deaths that occurred. This is the most death Nyika's seen in one place at one time, so it's going to rattle her and I wanted to relay that as best I could to the audience, even if it meant a post so melodramatic you could bake a cake with it. But now that they're in the cave and once they start moving away from the landslide things'll calm down. I promiiise.

I remember reading about your bias against supernaturals. I know Nyika's going to be a struggle to get her onto your good side, but I'm not griping about it or complaining to the others behind your back. I understand everyone has different tastes. It just makes me want to work harder to get you to like her! =^.^=

That being said, I'm hoping to compliment Nyika with the other contestants--give her a John Doggett to her Fox Mulder or Dana Skully. I think you'll like Poko's upcoming post when it comes to the cat, heehee.

Funny you mention the broken arm. I'm not sure if you read my latest post, but if you haven't, then I'll wait before I let you in on a little planning secret...!

Again, thank you for the feedback! I really appreciate time you're putting into this and your responses. They're really helping me to think critically about my writing and grow as a writer.

Vizon

Re: Vizon's Story Feedback
« Reply #12 on: July 05, 2013, 02:17:11 PM »
You're welcome, Goragula!

Nyika, that sounds great! Can't wait to see it. Still kind of catching up on the latest additions, to tell you the truth. Still need to review Noonahootin! I've been preoccupied with real life of late (Independence day and all).  Yet I still managed to eek out a painting, ha ha. Guess I enjoy that more than reviewing...

Vizon

Re: Vizon's Story Feedback
« Reply #13 on: July 09, 2013, 07:14:49 AM »
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He had to get back. He had to get back to Yew.
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He had to get back. He had to get back to the survivors.

Very witty of you to begin and end with such similar sentences! Oh but wait – that’s not the end! I think it would have been a good place to end it. Perhaps the rest could have been another post? How many are you allowed?

Loved the air battle – poor Noonahootin got pretty cut up though! I wonder if he was able to wound the snowy owl at all. She did get the jump on him, didn’t she? Most of the first part of this post was a breeze. Nicely written and enjoyable.  (pause here to paint picture XD)
Now for the second half.



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greedily sucking cold air in and breathing it out in fiery blasts of white mist.
When you say “fiery” I really do think of flames. I know it was meant as a contrast to the cold air coming in – hot air was being blown out, but I don’t know about “fiery” unless Noonahootin has some dragon blood in him!

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As Istvan dutifully picked himself up from where he had been sitting by the fire, Vanessa for once hustled. Her gaze trained into the depths of the fire, at the sound of her name she snapped from a reverie and quickly joined Captain Noonahootin's side, saluting
I stumbled over this bit, as it seemed like Vanessa was hustling, but then back staring at the fire? I think the second sentence didn’t even need to be there maybe – or if you’d merged them like “Vanessa for once hustled, snapping from her reverie and quickly joining Captain Noonahootin, saluting.” It just seemed a little strange to say she hustled and then say she was zoning out, staring at the fire, and then hustling again.

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“I've never seen them in daylight, nor head reports of them being spotted at night.”
Oops! I think you merged “had” and “heard” here!


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“Never heard of an owl being attacked by its supper before, but if it's dangerous, than it's bad for us.”

Just nit-picking, but I do believe “then” is the appropriate word here.


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“Alrright,” Vanessa said quietly, at last accepting.

It’s unclear to me here whether Vanessa is drawing out her “r”s or if it’s a spelling mistake…


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“Sorry ter interrupt, no wait, that's a lie, 

Ha ha ha! I am enjoying the dialog with all the other characters.


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“Greenfleck,” the toad introduced himself with a small curtsey.

This too made me LOL – the image of Goragula curtseying…HAAAAA!

All in all, I really enjoyed this post, but it was a bit long to get through.
As for the rest of the posts…..UGHHHH…..I am so far behind! I cannot possibly give detailed reviews to everyone. At least not before the voting is already over. Blah. Maybe I can do some quick reviews. Mostly I just need to get through reading them all. I will try to keep comments as I go. Maybe I’ll leave off on the spelling and grammar stuff since it’s not so important to me as whether they make sense and flow well with the rest of the story. So….more to come (Hopefully!).

Now that I've finished my review of Noonahootin, at least everyone's had one thorough review...

Noonahootin

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Re: Vizon's Story Feedback
« Reply #14 on: July 09, 2013, 08:25:14 AM »
Alas, the more you look through a post, the less you see! Such silly little errors. Oh well!

Yes, yes, that double 'r' was Vanessa's rrolling accent. I do apologize for the length, but then again I regret nothing. I had a lot to get through in this post; introducing the snowy owl and the moles was no easy task. I had fun writing it, though. I hope you enjoyed it! : )

Thank-you for the drawing, Vizon! You captured the moment perfectly, and I love the amount of detail you put into the two owls!
:noonahootin: Captain Noonahootin