Author Topic: Vizon's Story Feedback  (Read 3899 times)

Vizon

Re: Vizon's Story Feedback
« Reply #15 on: July 09, 2013, 03:51:35 PM »
Okay here we go – supposedly “quick” reviews of all the second posts. First up – Nyika.

Nyika: “A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes”

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"Ah, it's been dislocated."
Aha – so not broken after all. I see.

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as a babe would his most cherished security blanket
Kind of a modern term. But since this is written for a modern audience I guess it works? I wonder then if one could say “rammed into him like a bulldozer” or “the bird zipped past like a car on the freeway.” Probably not in a Redwall book.

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Nyika's tail fluffed at the surprise.
I think I will have to start drawing Nyika with a perpetually fluffed tail.


I think the bit with the nightmare felt a little long, but the playing with the feather was cute and a good way to elicit some conversation between her and the owl. Got a bit more history too, which is a plus.




Everyone: “Campfire Colloquy”

There are so many funny lines and moments in this post…but here are some of my favorites:

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Poko leapt into Gashrock's lap, musking a little. The rat shoved her off in disgust.

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"My last meal," Noonahootin smiled, "Come back to haunt me." He chuckled, leaning over to nudge Nyika with his wing.

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"Isn't it supposed to come out the other end?" Poko's lip curled in disgust.

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"Lizards have scales, you ignorant halfwit," Goragula said.
"Lizard. Frog. Same difference. You comin' or not?"

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"If you hear me shout, I'm already dead," said Risk, flashing her a winsome wink. "In which case, Nyika gets my knife. Poko gets my hat."

"Why does she get the knife?" Poko pouted.

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"It makes so much sense. That's where she learned to value the lives of beasts so little." Istvan remarked with some antipathy.

"Little like me?" The small ferret chirped mischievously.

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"Oy, hold on," Gashrock cut in. "Wotsit, an 'objective source of more-ality'? Where d'you get one? Is it bigger than a breadbox?"

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"Grog—blech!" Zevka pulled a face, then straightened up, folded her arms, and gazed sternly down her muzzle at Gashrock, adopting a rather officious-sounding voice. "Now that, venal sinner, is a true abomination against all that is sacred!"

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"Hey, you make it sound like all we do is carouse! I'm all about a good book every now and then—and, uh, using little figurines to re-enact the battles in them." Zevka glanced around in the sustained silence. "Nobeast else does that but me?"

This was all pretty fun to read through. Some bits seemed a little disjointed – like they were kind of tacked on, but I think everyone got to say something and interact with everyone (which was interesting to see how the different characters clash and cooperate, even just in conversation). Nyika I think I see what you meant about Poko being Nyika’s Doggett (sort of). She seems to be more just annoyed with her though from what I can tell, rather than factually dubious.




Noonahootin: “For the Birds”

De ja vu! I feel like I just reviewed Noonahootin! Oh wait – I DID just review Noonahootin. Double the fun!

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The owl held up his wings to block the snow from hitting him, frowning disapprovingly at the swamp creature.
“Swamp creature” – Ha ha!
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  a fact that was only reinforced by his broken talon stiff inside its sling. Courtesy of Gashrock's magic mending skills and her bright idea to use a strip of the Yew scout's uniform blue poncho to bind his talon, Noonahootin's toe would heal, but having lost the flexibility in one of his feet made working his way through the deep and heavy snow very frustrating. 
I am having a difficult time picturing a toe in a sling. Surly you must have meant “splint?” Because slings allow for lots of flexibility and don’t actually do much except allow a limb to rest in a raised position (like a leg in a hospital bed or an arm).

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The owl tossed the sword away, sadly lowering his head as he realized just how many condolence notes would have to be delivered upon his return to Yew. 
Awwwwww.

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“Probably no worse'n what I've boiled up for the Players last week, but best keep all that quiet, right,” Cookie agreed.
Eww. I wonder what (or who) Cookie boiled as food if he’s comparing it to rat? Well maybe a bird would be just as bad to Noonahootin, but not so bad to vermin. At least that doesn’t seem as bad for some reason as if it was like…a mouse or something! Not sure why though since birds are sentient in Redwall too.

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  When Cookie spread his empty arms wide for all to see, a groan of disappointment and anger rose up from the group.
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  Cookie dumped the wood he had carried back beside the small flames, grunting as he leaned back and put his paws upon his pained lower back. 
This seems a strange inconsistency. His arms were empty a moment before! But maybe it means carried from the back of the cave like Noonahootin did those sticks? It is rather unclear though.

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“Cookie,” Noonahootin suddenly called to Cookie, and the ferret turned around, a brow cocked in curiosity. 
It’s interesting how in some of the authors’ posts Risk is always referred to as Cookie, whereas in others he is only called “Cookie” when characters talk about him, and “Risk” otherwise.

Well it looks like Noonahootin has grown to be a little less biased toward the “Riffraff” as he called every non-Yew guard in his first post. He seems to be getting along quite smashingly with Risk even, who is probably the most verminy of all of them! It was good to get a little bit of backstory and see more of the owl’s personal outlook on life (how dying in battle is the best way to go and how proud rather than sad he is of his son who was killed in battle).




Risk: “Hots on for Nowhere”

Okay I’ve got to be briefer or I’m never getting through these!

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"If it makes you feel any better, I'd've skinned you if you were dead," he said.

"Gee, thanks, Cookie. Yep, loads better now."
"Only fair. What's a tailor good for if not a new cloak once in a while."
Ha ha ha!

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Zevka poked her head into the gap. Half her body slid after it. Risk tilted his head and admired the half that remained with them. Gashrock grimaced and pantomimed shoving a claw down her throat. Still grinning, Risk reached out a paw to see just how soft the marten's tail was, further away from the poofy tip. Zevka squeaked, and vanished fully into the hole. Her head popped out a second later, here eyes glaring daggers with the fangs to match.

Risk, with a wistful expression and his golden head haloed against the sun, was the very picture of chivalry. He pointed at Gashrock.

"He's got tailfur envy."

Zevka opened her mouth to say something, but paused, frowning. "He? Gashrock's wearing a female's robe."

"Yeah... always thought that was odd. You want a breeze, a kilt's got better movement."

Gashrock had shoved her face into the snow to keep from laughing.

"Don't either of you touch me there again," said Zevka, glowering.
ALL of this is so funny!

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Why, Gashy here's like a brother-"

"Still female."

"-sister to me."

Hee hee hee!

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Zevka's eyes downright smouldered. In any other situation, Risk would have grabbed her by the hips right then and there, let the fire lash out and scorch the whole mountainside black. It was all he could do not to lash out himself. His fists shook, knuckles burning white.
By the hips? From the  rest of this it sounds like he wants to hit her, but…”the hips” makes it sound like something else! Or maybe he means like…setting her off like a firecracker by offending her with such a grab? Is that what it means?

Love the passionate exchange about Risk caring for Poko – well written!

The blood he’s coughing up…that doesn’t sound very good.

Ha ha – I think it’s funny that Zevka had action figures she played with, hee hee!

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"Champion," said Risk, unsure if he should be pleased or not. He'd met a strange monitor lizard, once, and sometimes had unsettling dreams about it. Dolls were just things he didn't want to think about anymore. 
What? This is a strange…inner thought. Leaves a heck of a lot to the imagination…

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He squinted down, still blinking to clear his vision. One eye was mostly free. He had to chuckle at what he saw.

"See, Gashy... knew you were male!"
Oh lordy. Risk you are too much!

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"Sorry, Gash. Only tryin' to save your life."

"Yeah, I know. Just maybe next time make sure it's mine and that it is still a life."
It’s like one line after another…it’s a good thing I’m not drinking anything or I might be snorting it out with laughter.

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But if you're good, maybe tonight I can show you the rest. See how it matches up to your figurine, eh?"

"Maybe." Zevka flicked his nose and snorted. "If you're good."

"Please, please be bad," whispered Gashrock, shutting her eyes with a shiver.
Oh good grief!


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"An' Nyika..."

He almost didn't want to return to the cave. It would mean having to face her again. Getting to see her again. 
Huh. Curious. What’s Risk got against Nyika?

Okay end of review – I gotta say, Risk, you’ve won me over entirely with this one. I take back everything I said before because this makes up for it. You’re more than a punster - you’re a comic genius. I loved reading this! I don’t think I could have imagined from your original application that you could have written up something so entertaining. I’m really hoping you stay in now, and I’m glad you made it in, despite my opposition.

Ugh…I gotta stop for now. Six more to go. I don’t think I’m being any briefer either! Oh well. Them’s the breaks.
« Last Edit: July 09, 2013, 03:57:33 PM by Vizon »

Nyika

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Re: Vizon's Story Feedback
« Reply #16 on: July 09, 2013, 05:10:20 PM »
Nyika: “A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes”

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"Ah, it's been dislocated."
Aha – so not broken after all. I see.

Aha, here's that insider secret I wanted to tell you. From the beginning I had wanted to break her arm completely, but given the limitations and difficulties it might pose for the rest of the story, my co-writers convinced me to lessen the blow, hence a dislocated shoulder.

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as a babe would his most cherished security blanket
Kind of a modern term. But since this is written for a modern audience I guess it works? I wonder then if one could say “rammed into him like a bulldozer” or “the bird zipped past like a car on the freeway.” Probably not in a Redwall book.

You know, this line never sat well with me, but I was hoping the phrase was old enough to pass. After researching, though, I found this from Wikipedia: "The term security blanket was popularized in the Peanuts comic strip created by Charles M. Schulz, who gave such a blanket to his character Linus van Pelt." That was in 1952.

So it's still old-fashioned, but not medieval. I need to take into account what you and carelesswhisper are telling me about taking time to edit and really think about each word I choose to put down. Thing is, it's hard when you're on a time constraint with the other writers and a more stressful deadline, so some things get glossed over after you've seen it a million times. It's no longer the application process where you can spend upwards of a month perfecting things, even if you have about nine other pairs of eyes looking it over for you. I will definitely try to work better on this, and I'll go with my gut in the future. As I said, the line never sat well with me, so I don't know why I kept it in. I think I just wanted a simile and I stretched for something that shouldn't have been there.

Still, I think "bulldozer" and "car on a freeway" are a little out of place to be used as comparisons. I'm sure comfort objects like security blankets have been used since the dawn of time; they just never had a term coined for them until the development of psychology.

But I thank you for the feedback! I know what to work on in my future posts, pending I have some! Eeeee…

Vizon

Re: Vizon's Story Feedback
« Reply #17 on: July 10, 2013, 04:22:03 PM »
given the limitations and difficulties it might pose for the rest of the story, my co-writers convinced me to lessen the blow, hence a dislocated shoulder.

Ah yes, that makes sense. Hey, I was just glad to see she was injured - doesn't have to be that bad.

Still, I think "bulldozer" and "car on a freeway" are a little out of place to be used as comparisons. I'm sure comfort objects like security blankets have been used since the dawn of time; they just never had a term coined for them until the development of psychology.

Good point. I'm not counting it against you, mind - just thinking about whether modern phrases or comparisons can be freely used in a book that is set in a not-so-modern timeline. I picked extreme examples to prove that they probably should be avoided generally (making a "blanket" statement, you might say! Ha!). But you're right - at least back then they probably had something similar, even if there wasn't a specific name for it.
« Last Edit: July 10, 2013, 06:56:34 PM by Vizon »

Vizon

Re: Vizon's Story Feedback
« Reply #18 on: July 10, 2013, 04:25:40 PM »
Again, going to try to be more brief, but sometimes I just can’t help myself.

Zevka: “Pascal's Wager”

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books, damson wine, theatres, little hordebeast figurines that I can force to fight battles against other little hordebeast figurines -- you know what these things have in common? You don't find any of them in the middle of the mountains!" 
Sure are emphasizing her playing with action figures, eh? I think this is the third time she’s mentioned them aloud! I’d think it would be one of those things she’d try a little harder to keep to herself…especially after realizing no one else plays with toys still and after Gashrock called them dolls and after Risk…made that risqué comment. Ha….Risque Risk. “That’s sure a risky risqué comment, Risk!” :D Sorry – getting carried away.


It’s a little hard to stay interested in the religious debate between Istvan and Zevka. About here I find it the most difficult to remain attuned:
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“Well, frankly, I'm prepared to risk being wrong about that, rather than be like you, Istvan,” Zevka snarled. “I don't know what happens to beasts when they die, but I do know that this world exists, and I'm not going to cut myself off from other beasts and live without anybeast in this world thinking of me as anything other than a threat or a curiosity."
It almost seems that Zevka’s author is bent on arguing through something deeper IRL through the characters, even though it may not be as relevant to the plot or intriguing to the reader. It is interesting to see how Istvan works out his weird religious belief – that was thought through well, but again, I think it goes on too long – like - like trance music.
In the end, it’s nice to have Zevka as a sort of “figure to look up to” for the kits as well as someone to actively oppose Istvan’s questionable practices and be a sort of decision-maker/leader in addition to the owl.


Gashrock: “The Snow Queen”


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a one-act play that boosted their morale, she knew how to take the hint. Just so long as it wasn't Istvan's sort of morals that needed boosting, a short play would certainly be the thing to stir the hearts of her comrades.
Ha ha! Indeed!

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They are definitely not father and daughter, on account of I don't want Poko to break down and break the fourth wall.
Pah! Ha ha…

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I'm wearin' a ruddy old fur coat
Fur coat, huh? Does that mean the rat will be wearing Risk’s rat skin? Kinda morbid thought!

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  "I've got a whole arse-nal of those, back in my palace," 
Arse-nal, heh heh heh

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And I forget how it ends so we'll make summat up. We should have songs and Hans showin' off his strength. There's a bit about how they ain't kits no more, when they get back, but I'm not puttin' that in on account of Hans is already big, so that wouldn't make sense. And I forget what the point is about bein' big compared to little, bein' little's more of a lark iffen yer asks me. And not just about rats bein' small. Anyway that's the play, only there's not a script on account of I ain't got no paper. Any questions?"
Gashrock, you’re so rambly.

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"You--don't want a play?"

"In the middle of this?" Zevka spread her arm wide. "You'd have to be mad."

Gashrock stood still, waiting for the ferrets to catch up with her, thoughts crumbling like the snow.
Awww! 

Well that was a quick read despite the rambling, and I really enjoyed it! So sad too – and I feel like I know the rat a bit better now – she seems a little less separated now, as the last post was largely in her head, but this one is more involved with others.  I hope I get to know her even more.



Okay that's two down, four to go. I will at least try to do Poko and Goragula's tonight I think. Running out of time! As always...

Vizon

Re: Vizon's Story Feedback
« Reply #19 on: July 10, 2013, 06:55:59 PM »
Yay! I finished two more! Not sure when I'll get the last two finished, but.....PROGRESS! Hurray!



Poko: “If a Tree Falls in the Forest…”

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Nyika had played up her imaginary psychosis to gain attention
Not sure “psychosis” is a very medieval era word. I’ll throw that in with “security blanket.”
Actually – wait…I take it back. I, of all people, have no right to pick at using non-medieval words when I used “Epidemic icterus” in Ben’s application (though I did honestly try to make it a more ancient term – I thought since “icterus” was Greek it would be older than “jaundice,” but I was wrong). So Nyika, Poko…ignore me.

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Poko had been eyeing several beasts’ shinies and her fingers itched. 
Uh-oh!

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Nyika finished licking one of the bald spots on her arm before joining them. She liked to keep up her scraggly appearance. Nothings says “I’m on the verge of a mental breakdown” like patchy fur and self-inflicted scratches. She had plenty of those too. She liked to claim they were from the ghosts she saw, but Poko had seen her scratching her own face when no one else was looking, when she was pretending to be in some kind of “spiritual trance.”
Okay, Nyika, I see more now what you meant, heh heh. That’s about as dubious as one can be!

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"Ah." Nyika sniffled a little in a blatant effort to tug on the pine marten’s heart strings. She looked less than enthused.
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Nyika nodded soberly, proving to Zevka that she was the superior student, unquestioning and attentive. 
I like how even the narration translates Nyika’s actions through Poko’s eyes.

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The cat ended up bopping herself in the nose with her own paw and falling into the snow. Poko laughed loudly at the absurdity of it all, pointing at the distressed and snow-covered feline.

“Poko…” Zevka scolded tiredly.

“What – I didn’t do anything! She hit herself!” The ferret shrugged innocently, then yelped in surprise as the wildcat plowed into her with a wicked hiss, piercing Poko’s hide with her long, curved claws
I love this bit. Poko is such a little devil, yet you can see how in her own eyes she’s totally guileless.

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She heard a loud crack and a sighing whine behind her as Cookie turned and flew at her.
Good example of showing not telling! Until you read the next few sentences you’re just as baffled as Poko probably was, as to why Cookie “flew at her.”

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  Her heart leapt in her chest. Had Nyika been killed?
I have to wonder – was her heart leaping with joy? ;D

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“Do you see her? Is she trapped?” Zevka climbed up next to Poko, worry etched across her features.

Poko gestured at the wildcat as if presenting a specimen at a freak show. “Only in her delusions.”
LOL – This rivalry is great! I hope they don’t kiss and make up too soon.

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Poko believed for a moment that the otter Istvan had been right all along, except that the All Mother was actually the All Father, and none too happy about the gender discrepancy
Ha ha!

And nice carry-over after that into Goragula’s post. Overall, I really enjoyed the back-and-forth in this post. Poko is as snarky as ever, and it looks like her accent is as shifty as she is herself. Nice build-up, and good to learn a little more about Poko (and her father -though it is very little). It’s good to see she’s not just forgetting about her parents and moving on necessarily, like she mentioned in CarelessWhisper’s review thread. Poko seems kind of opposite to the darling dibbuns portrayed in the books – which seems appropriate since she’s vermin. I enjoy the snark. I hope she sticks around! Her and Nyika both so they can keep the rivalry going, ha ha.



Goragula: “Up Jumped the Devil”

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  the hiss and crackle of a match lighting,
Wait – there are matches in Redwall? I thought those weren’t invented until the 1800’s or something. Though once again, who am I to point out these things…

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With his good hand, Goragula seized the knife, grabbed the beast by the scruff of his neck, and slit his throat.
He did all that with one hand? I’d think he’d have to at least do the scruff-grabbing with his bad hand…

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the bloodied knife if his paws trembling as his arm coursed with adrenaline.
Been avoiding the mention of spelling/grammar stuff so I won’t mention the one I see in this sentence, but I do wonder if toads have “paws.”

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“And you did not think to inform me?”

“You’re the Captain of the Guard, not of me. I work alone.”
You tell ‘em, Goragula.

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Goragula suddenly stopped, realising that the thick, sibilant accent was creeping back into his voice as he raised it in anger.
I had to look up sibilant. How wonderfully apt for a toad! I do like this line.

And that’s all for Goragula. I enjoyed the post as usual, though the spelling errors were more numerous than I’d have expected. Goragula is bad as ever, yet becoming a real part of the group at last. I’m glad to see that.

Balmafula

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Re: Vizon's Story Feedback
« Reply #20 on: July 10, 2013, 07:06:42 PM »
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Been avoiding the mention of spelling/grammar stuff so I won’t mention the one I see in this sentence, but I do wonder if toads have “paws.”

Ahhh... I remember having similar issues with Saveaux in MM1 and other lizard characters. Should we use claws instead? or digits? Eh, I dunno. I think using paws is fine. The other two sound too much like fingers instead of hand.

Vizon

Re: Vizon's Story Feedback
« Reply #21 on: July 10, 2013, 07:12:43 PM »
Well it said he had "hands" earlier. Paws I think of as having black pads on them and claws. Toads don't really have either - they're much more like what we have - furless palms with fingers. I'm voting for "hands."

Balmafula

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Re: Vizon's Story Feedback
« Reply #22 on: July 10, 2013, 07:15:12 PM »
Hands just seem too human to me, personally. Primate-esque. Besides, the toad claws in Chocobo's dungeon make little pawprint shapes when you they hit stuff, so I'm vindicated!

Vizon

Re: Vizon's Story Feedback
« Reply #23 on: July 10, 2013, 07:25:35 PM »
Well, I guess now that I'm comparing, a toad's front foot is even less "hand-like" than a rat's, and for sure we call a rat's front foot a "paw," right? So I guess you win Balmafula. :)

(Edit -though since all Redwallians use their front paws like hands to eat and grip things with, it does seem like both terms ought to be somewhat interchangeable to me...)

« Last Edit: July 10, 2013, 07:29:28 PM by Vizon »

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Re: Vizon's Story Feedback
« Reply #24 on: July 10, 2013, 08:31:04 PM »
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Not sure “psychosis” is a very medieval era word. I’ll throw that in with “security blanket.”

I'm not sure what else I might have used to convey the same thought. I did some research and similar terms that were used in the 1300's or so were "lunatic" and "demoniac," so  maybe "played up her imaginary lunacy?" The terms have changed a lot in their meaning today, though, and after reading up on madhouses and ancient remedies for insanity, I wonder if someone might try to drill a hole in Nyika's head? Just how similar is Redwall to medieval times? XP


Anyway, glad you liked my post! The Nyika/Poko conflict kind of arose naturally without really planning it. It's been fun to work through.

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Re: Vizon's Story Feedback
« Reply #25 on: July 11, 2013, 06:06:59 AM »
I haven't been a fan... *scowls*

Vizon

Re: Vizon's Story Feedback
« Reply #26 on: July 11, 2013, 10:59:18 AM »
Jumping back online for just a moment so I can post the last 2 reviews!



Istvan: “That Which Does Not Live Can Never Die”


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The otter scuffed the ground with his boot, then threw up his paws. "Because I have suffered seventeen seasons of being shunned because I chose what I know is right. Because I have never managed to convince another beast that this is true. And to think that I could be wrong..."
Wow Istvan is sure shaken! Very interesting!


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The otter wasn’t sure why, but following those words he lifted the wildcat up in to the air and squeezed her tightly until her miaows of distress brought him back to his senses. 
Good to see the otter has some sort of emotive feelings aside from distain!


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Istvan knelt and stared across the frozen lake. He extended his arm out, and drew a thin red line on it with his blade.
Just how many cuts does this guy have on his arm? Surly they can’t all be healed already – I mean I know he has scars, but – he did just cut himself the night before too. And with the same blade that he used to cut all those landslide victims’ throats. Hey that’s like sharing a needle with strangers…he’s bound to get an infection or disease or something, right?


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He watched the crimson splatter on the ice in silence. It reminded him of broken glass covered with the same precious liquid, piled on a tray next to a reclining figure who screamed curses at the world.
Whoa – what? Is this like…a memory of something from his past? No explanation! I am curious!


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So the old fighter had at least one weakness, then. That would be good to remember for when it came time for him to pay for his crimes.

Ohhh Istvan is plotting harm to the others! I knew he’d be terrible to bring along on his trip…who invited him again?

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Istvan thought wistfully of bodies strewn across a mountainside, and wondered why life couldn’t always be so simple.
Ah, thinking on the good times.

It was good to see more inside Istvan’s head – his vulnerability also. I’m glad he is not such a flat character to us now, but he is still creepy. There’s just no telling what he may do.



Vanessa: “Fire and Ice”


Wow…nothing jumped out for me to quote – I guess I was pretty enthralled! Nice descriptions and it was pretty funny to see how the otters were teased pretty mercilessly for stripping down. That’s gratitude for ya!
For being jammed with action, it didn’t feel like a lot happened to make notes about. Vanessa’s not going to let someone – even someone she doesn’t like – drown. That’s good to know. Vanessa wishes she could have been second in command – that’s interesting too since she doesn’t seem the type to try to be promoted. Must sting to know, then, that even when she’s got a 50/50 chance, being the last of 2 surviving guards, that she’s still not chosen to lead, heh heh.

-----------------------------------------------------

And that’s it! I’m done! Yay! So now I’m supposed to vote for one of these characters to die?
That’s sure a lot different from voting for applicants to be allowed in. Seems a lot more personal and somehow cruel. Who do I want to die? Nobody! I’m really enjoying this story so far, and even if I like some characters more than others, I don’t want any of them to be killed.
What happens if there’s no consensus – if none of us agree on who should be killed?

I mean sure, Goragula and Istvan are pretty bad characters, but that makes the story interesting – adds a dynamic of conflict and potential for betrayal. Poko’s a punk, but contrasted against the pitiful ghost-afflicted Nyika, it’s a good balance that would be a shame to lose. Zevka seems pretty important to the group as a leader/defender, and Noonahootin is probably their only defense against the owl at least. Gashrock and Risk are both fun to read and Vanessa too is a very good writer.

Do I have to vote?

Balmafula

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Re: Vizon's Story Feedback
« Reply #27 on: July 11, 2013, 11:21:00 AM »
XD well...

I'm glad you like all the characters! It's true, we have a very talented and wonderful cast. But, unfortunately, this IS a survivor contest and they knew what they were getting themselves into. Death is just part of the deal and I'm not going to change it just because we have a strong cast.

If there's no consensus, I will do one of two things. The first is to extend the voting date. So far I've only gotten 3 votes, and I'm unsure as to whether it's because people are catching up on posts or deliberating over who to vote for. I really don't want to have to do this, considering I've already extended some deadlines so far and I want to keep the story running smoothly.

If there is a tie, though, at the end of the day I do have a system with which to break it, but I would much prefer if I didn't have to.

Vizon

Re: Vizon's Story Feedback
« Reply #28 on: July 11, 2013, 02:32:31 PM »
Well I went through the names, trying to figure out what might happen if any one of them is killed. Here's what I have. If any of you think of additional consequences that might arise from the loss of one of the characters that I've not made a note of, I'd be happy to see it.

Consequences I am imagining if any of these characters were to die:
Goragula: The characters might not have to fear a backstabber, but we would lose an awesome dark character. Perhaps the cast even benefits from having him around since he is probably not going to go down easily (though he might let bad guys kill the others if he is out of harm’s way…).
Nyika: Only Poko would be left to protect, as most of the other characters are pretty self-reliant. It would be sad to lose such a young beast. Also the story would lose some interesting opportunities to explore these ghosts that seem to follow characters around, since no one else sees them.
Zevka: Oh dear, I think that would leave Noonahootin as leader mainly – much less savvy in regards to survival since he seems to think dying in battle is glorious. The younger beasts would lose a defender and may be more easily harmed, and the group in general would lose a good fighter.
Gashrock: Everyone would have to sew their own wounds. Risk and Poko would be very sad, as would I.
Risk: The story would not be as funny, and the group would lose a tough fighter who is willing to do what needs to be done. Risk is also probably the only beast besides Goragula who would be capable of torturing information out of a bad guy (though not as conniving). He is also one of the only beasts who Goragula fears/respects. Who knows how far the toad would go without him there to defend the younger ones? Or Istvan for that matter – from his post he’s just waiting for Risk to be absent so he can get to Poko again.
Poko: It would be a real shame to lose such a young ‘un. Poko’s got so much life ahead of her still, and for Pete’s sake – her parents just died so it would be awful to see her go so soon. I don’t know that she adds to the strength of the group, per se (unless they need a tiny beast to fit in a small space?), but she does add to the fun of reading the story. It’s more about the story anyway than about “who is the best cut out to live in these harsh conditions?” I think both Nyika and Poko help to bring out the best in many of the other characters, which is good for the story, and if all of the full-grown adults let the kits die off, it wouldn’t say much for them.
Vanessa: Well so far it looks like Vanessa is their only source for food since Istvan’s no good as a swimmer. It would add to the food crisis if Vanessa were lost. Noonahootin might be really sad that he has to write yet another condolence letter. She’s a trained guard too, so that’d thin the ranks of fight-capable beasts in the group. And she’s one of the only ones who is not wounded in some way.
Noonahootin: The snowy owl would come and wreak havoc amidst them all. The group would have to find a new leader and the remaining Yew guards would find themselves quite lacking in direction – no more orders! Istvan would have a heyday, cutting everyone up for their blasphemies, Vanessa would probably join up with Zevka (She’d be the only non-vermin left besides Istvan), Nyika would have an endless supply of feathers to play with, and they would all not be hungry for at least a week. LOL – sorry Noonahootin! No, I’m not serious. The group would lose out on having an eye in the sky for direction and warning, and they would also lose a very experienced leader who is used to keeping beasts organized and prepared.
Istvan: To be honest, not a lot of the group would miss Istvan if he were to die – he is certainly not a popular fellow. But that also makes him an interesting character, and I am intrigued by his past – it would be sad not to be able to see more of his past, and if he dies, there would be no further chances for his redemption. I kind of do wonder if he would change, given the right circumstances. Is there a heart under that callous?


In the end, fate can be fickle. It doesn’t always make sense who dies – sometimes the most useful and needed person is the one that is taken from us. Only in these contests does there actually need to be a good reason for someone to die. But perhaps we are just as fickle if we’re killing people for spelling errors and accents!

Goragula

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Re: Vizon's Story Feedback
« Reply #29 on: July 11, 2013, 03:38:49 PM »
Thanks for all your reviews once again, Vizon. I'm ... not surprised you found a few mistakes in my post. I found the section in the tunnels really difficult to write, so I didn't leave myself enough time to edit it properly and it was kind of rushed. I wasn't too happy with it, either, but. Deadlines. :\ In a way I'm glad you pointed out silly mistakes like that, it makes me realize that the time I put into editing my first post was worthwhile.

The weird thing is, I could have SWORN I wrote 'hand' for all of it because I agree that only mammals have paws! Clearly I was in an even worse state of caffeine-fueled delirium than I thought. I always imagined Redwall animals as having very human-like hands, just because it never really made sense to me how mice could write and pick up swords and bake apple pies without having dexterous fingers and thumbs. *shrug* Oh, all the problems of writing anthros.
:goragula: What does a toad with a BA in Literature say?

... Do you want flies with that?