Author Topic: A Critical Review  (Read 779 times)


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A Critical Review
« on: May 27, 2008, 04:52:42 PM »
I haven't been reviewing much, but I wish I had because I really do enjoy following the story the contestants have put together. So, here is a go at broad character critiques. I know these points will be moot for one of you shortly, but I hope they’re helpful, nonetheless.


You're an enjoyable secondary character, but I emphasize secondary. Moles are hard. They're bloody hard, no doubt because they have those accents that put so many off and by virtue of their canon characters are not likely to take the lead until they are the last ones left standing and when you're surrounded by leader types like Ashira, Tassle and Silus, that side may not come through. Still, we've seen glimmers of a primary character in Brooga when she stood up to Ulrick and now more recently when she's told the 'leaders' what must be done and the time frame to do it in. However, even in that interaction there was timidity as she did not put forth her own ideas on what to do simply that something needs to be done. She doesn't rely on herself to make decisions and turns instead to others. I know she is a holistic thinker and community builder by nature, but we really need Brooga to find her independence if you want to make it to the top 3. She showed that independence when she said she would go with Ashira in place of Tassle. Now just keep it up!

Also as has been noted, her optimism is a strong point in her favor, but may become dull. I think with the most recent post you've shaken things up nicely. I want to be inside Brooga's head, though, rather than observing her as a spectator. You've again, remedied this in your latest post. This passage was particularly well written to convey the panic and terror our young molemaid felt:

Quote from: Brooga
Yet her terror rose victorious every time she heard a stone crack against another in the darkness, or when her own breath came so hard that it sounded alien, or when her footpaws stumbled over themselves and threatened to drop her helpless to the ground. And try as she might, she couldn't win. Her cheer had fled before her. The silver lining had faded into the gathering grey thunderheads.

Keep that up, as well. And let me reiterate that I want to see the independent Brooga more. With her optimism severely shaken, I would hope Brooga would begin to develop more to fit her new world view. The rose-colored glasses are off for the time being, so let's see what a cold dash of reality does to that gentle and obedient character.


I didn't vote for you in the Top 30, but now I'm glad that others did. You've turned what could have been an annoying little brat into a devious secondary villain. Like Brooga, I emphasize secondary. As most all the other reviewers have mentioned, it's hard for a kid to work herself into an adult's story, but I can see you're trying hard. Your last post has made you a threat to a lot of the big players through manipulating those in positions of power that you do not hold. That's clever...perhaps too clever for an 11-year-old rat? In canon I was always under the impression that rats were mostly idiots when not the main baddy, but I suppose if you go by actual animal traits, Cricket is being true to her species and none of the vermin species characteristics are explored particularly in depth in the series, so... I digress.

You've become a dangerous character while still remaining true to your bratty, somewhat comical nature, which takes some skill. Still, I'd like to see some more interaction with the other characters from Cricket. It seems Tassle and Ulrick are the only ones she's been talking to lately. Silus doesn't seem to know she exists and neither did Ashira unless she was tossing the little rat around. Make sure you're actually involved in the main plot rather than carrying on with side plots because while they're entertaining, they don't move the real story along very much. Now it's sort of the opposite of what Stonewall said to Brooga. We know you can lead a story point, but can you follow one (in your own unique way) and still be strong?


With the untimely demise of Ashira and Cricket being more a secondary villain, you have a lot of weight on your shoulders as the main baddy of the story. I think you’re doing alright, but I’ll direct you to the confused comments made by Oni and Sycamore. I get that you’re a mysterious guy, but be too mysterious and it sometimes becomes boring to read.

I think what you suffer from in the main is an affliction I have battled many, many times: you tell rather than show in your story posts. It’s not that we don’t have a good idea of what Silus does and how he generally acts and is from what you tell us, but a lot of the feeling is lost in the telling, like a picture with a bunch of blurs in it. You can tell us what they are, but being able to show would create a greater impact.

I do like your last post in so far as you ‘showed’ us Silus’ apprehension as the wolves drew near. That was a spot of good writing, no doubt. The dialogue between Silus and Jonas (with Silus’ thoughts interspersed) was also another great showing. Silus is a clever fellow as you’ve ‘told’ us before. Now we get to see it first paw. You did that when dealing with the Kelsey incident, as well, but that cleverness seemed far more contrived than this bit.

Keep trying to show us more of Silus. It’s more effective than telling us about him. And keep your armchair-plotting, pussycat-stroking villainy alive while taking on a more active role now that you have to deal with a clear and present danger.

Oh, you do get brownie points this week for bringing the island rats back into the game.=D


Tassle, Tassle, Tassle…you warm me up and then cool me off with your posts. Some are spectacular, others are average and this latest one fell into the latter category. It’s not that I didn’t like the fact that Tassle finally got angry, but as the others said, nothing really came of it. I know you can’t stand up to the vermin crew with only the three of you left (especially now that Ulrick can’t be trusted and thank you for having Tassle be clever enough to recognize the truth of Cricket’s words (however grudgingly), but I can see at least a few other ways to deal with the issue.

Step up and use that rage to do something, lass! Tassle always struck me as the impulsive sort. Even when she was planning the breakout, it was a shoot from the hip sort of deal where they had no real plan of where they were going or how. The decision to launch their un-seaworthy craft was impulsive, as well. Then there’s her sudden agreement to a pact with the vermin. That was the logical move, albeit, but it was one she made on the spur of the moment when suddenly surrounded by her enemies. That’s also the character I voted for going into this contest and I’d like to see less brooding and more doing. Or at least more doing while brooding. Tassle has power. Use it or lose it, my dear teenage shrew.


You’ve flown under my radar for some time now, Master Badger. You haven’t made yourself stick out with any particularly terrible or fantastic posts. As we get down to the final votes, I’d recommend you step it up a notch so you’re not lost in the crowd as a ‘dispensable’ character. Your interaction with Silus in the last post intrigued me and your continued rivalry with Cricket is entertaining. I suppose I’ll wait to go more in-depth for your post because you may address my present concerns with it.


“May your banners wave high!” as Calria of the VI would say. “For tomorrow, you may die!” I would add… Good luck, ladies and gents. You’ll be needing it as the hangman (a.k.a. Tara) tightens the nooses round your necks in accordance with the wishes of the crowd (a.k.a. the audience).>=)
« Last Edit: May 27, 2008, 05:32:44 PM by Storm »
Storm -- Terri -- Madame

Call me anything you'd like so long as it's not Collect.