Redwall Survivor Forums

I plan on keeping my head down and doing my best not to find out the identities of the contestants for as long as I possibly can (which will be a fun challenge, with all my shiny admin powers), so I can review and whatnot. I'll share basically what I wrote in the judges' board (though not the scores, for obvious reasons). I'm not trying to sway anyone's opinions here, so if you'd rather not care to have a judge's opinion on these apps, feel free to ignore this thread until the story starts. XP

And some reviews are shorter than others, some due to the time crunch, others due to...not having much to say? But if you want me to expand on anything, let me know.

First off, the judges' picks!


Gashrock

I like her. The writing is solid, I love the verminy name (which, I'll admit, I was not expecting to be the name of a female), and she feels like a vermin. I like that she's short and I like that she's the stickler of the group. She takes her job far too seriously, which is kind of amusing to me. This could lead to some interesting encounters in the contest.

My biggest critique is that the accent seems a little hit and miss to me. I think they're trying to tone it down (which, ohmygoodness, I love them for that), but it almost doesn't make sense when I say her lines aloud. I think they could benefit from reading their dialogue aloud.


Goragula

It's a tooooooad! That would be a first. I'm not sure why Goragula would be going over the mountain pass himself, being old, and like...the Toadfather. LOL. Seems like it'd have to be something really important, because he's powerful enough to send any number of beasts in his place. Hmm. It's not really...the most original idea ever...but he is super creepy and evil. I'm not entirely sold, but I wouldn't mind to see him get in.


Vanessa Fern

Aaaand we have a Scotch otter (...Scotter?) named NESSIE. Wow. I'm. Speechless. XD

The scene the first paragraph sets is adorable.

Quote?Ye tripped me.?

It wasn?t a question so much as a statement.

Yeah, the phrasing and lack of a question mark kind of clued me in there. I guess...thanks, though?

Oooh, daddy issues! Hmm. I dunno. This was a fun app, if a little on the fluffy side. It smacked of something a bit more Redwall canon. Not too shabby.

Next up we have the Yew Guards!


Grainger

Spelled the same way as Percy Grainger, I was subconsciously expecting a bit more crazy/weird out of him. XD

Holy wow. So many NPCs I don't care about. Also, so many missing commas every time a new one is introduced. Should be "the mouse, So-and-so, did this." I probably wouldn't have noticed or cared all that much if a new or existing NPC hadn't popped up in every other sentence. Also, there's really not a whole lot of characterization, but I guess Grainger's just meant to be a simple guy, very serious about what he does, but still humble. Stick to that if you get in, Grainger. Drop the NPCs posthaste, because they just plain get in the way. And oh my goodness, the dialogue overload!


Istvan

Wow, what an utter creep. The religion isn't exactly canon, but I guess it's essentially Mother Earth he believes in. Yet he also believes in very Middle Eastern forms of punishment. The writing is very good, and because of that, I'm going to be very strict on the several obvious SPAG errors in this. Someone that good should've caught all of those.

How do tattoos work in the Redwall world, anyway? I've always wondered. I've always pictured them as some sort of permanent fur dye. I dunno.

One teensy nitpick: In my prologue, the merchants were more toward the rear of the group. But eh. That could just be me not being clear enough on that...or reading this wrong. XP


Ben Slider

Mmm, sliders...

Holy anachronisms, Batman! Doctors and epidemic icterus-es and..."syliva"...oh myyyy (http://youtu.be/6nSKkwzwdW4)!

Hnnnnn. I have a little bit of a hard time believing that--Okay, and like, the anachronisms here are already suspending my disbelief high enough that it's in danger of disrupting flight patterns at PDX--that they'd let him be a guard. Or like, send him on a mission where he will need to SHARE FOOD AND WATER with others.

Part of me really wants to like this app, because a contagious illness? A beast nearly dead before the story even starts? It's original. I loved the moment of anger, thinking how he's so straight-laced and this shouldn't have happened to him. The concept was great, but the execution was all wrong. Healers don't know these things yet! He should have just kept the sickness to himself, known he was dying, and snuck into the Guard anyway. That would have been way more effective. Or he should have just applied as a merchant.

And the SPAG needs some work.


Maxine Honeydouble

I...thought bad thoughts when I saw her name. I won't repeat what I said in the judges' board, but BAD THOUGHTS. XP

Also, what is with the overuse of the word "proper"? I think we get that she doesn't live in Yew "proper." I don't know why that word bugs me so much, but it does. Just a personal nitpick, really. Nothing I'm taking points off for.

Also also, they misread the prologue. Yew is NOT sending their entire guard! Or even most of it. Or even half of it. Just a small contingent. This mission is NOT a full frontal assault. And a quartermaster is in charge of rations, uniforms, and, y'know, quarters. Why would they need her for this?

Also also also,

Quote?I've done my share of fighting. Go jest of Carrigul elsewhere.?

Just who talks like this? Again, reading dialogue aloud can be helpful. This is almost as annoying as an overdone accent.

Now, this wasn't a bad app. It was actually well-written overall and the character is...well, not the most interesting character of all, but not too flat and boring either. I wish we'd seen more of her other than she's the Quartermaster who lives outside of Yew "proper" and she hates young beasts getting drafted and also she's kind of fat now lolz (which, hi, fattie speaking here, fatness =/= personality trait. Just make sure it stays that way and we'll continue to be friends, k?). Also, who is this Ricard, anyway? I don't even know. There were just too many little things that rubbed me the wrong way, and unfortunately they added up.

I don't know. If she gets in, she needs to tone it way down and make her dialogue fit better with everyone else's. Also, she needs to make sure she pays attention to the plot.


Captain Noona--Oh, for crap's sake. **facepalm**

His name is terrible. Just. Bad. Catpain Blackudder is a better name. HOWEVER. I kind of like the guy. He's funny. And cute. And. That's about it. Wouldn't mind seeing him in. YEY BIRD.

(Okay, and this was literally my last app to review, but I promise you, I DID read it. Twice. I was paying more attention to getting scores up at that point. I really did like this guy, even if I give him a hard time for his name. Which makes my mouth feel just. ODD. Every time I say it out loud. But he is kind of a silly guy, so I guess it fits. Still, though. Silly name to the max. XD)

Moving on, we have the Dewhurst Players! I'm so, so sad we didn't get more of these guys, and I'm pretty sure Pyracantha is sad tooooo, but I think we've got a good selection from the few we did get.


Vist

Oh my goodness, there is something terribly melodramatic about this app. That said, I kind of like it. But I like it on the assumption that the author meant it to be really over the top dramatic. If they get in and it becomes apparent that that wasn't their intention, I'll be so sad. It's lines like this:

QuoteReng glowered as he applied a large smile onto his glowering features.

Which make me hopeful that this is intentionally meant to be sad but also actually pretty funny because LOL they're clowns. The first "glowered as he" is not necessary, btw, since you then go on to say that his features are "glowering." This was almost a brilliant sentence! Hopefully?

Also this:

QuoteReng fell face down on stage, his blood mixing with pie filling.

Please God let this be intentionally funny. Otherwise, I'm a jerk for laughing. :P

The ending was abrupt, but somehow necessary. Mainly because I thought he was in the Dewhurst Players up until the last paragraph.

My scores for this one are based on the hope that this is supposed to be incredibly cheesy. Because if so, oh man. I will love this guy. If not, I am one sad panda. I kind of like his app more every time I read it. It's brilliant. Maybe. Hopefully. Argh!


Risk

Hmm. While the writing is good, this app got confusing at times. It's action heavy, and the random jump at the end just...Yeah. I think they were trying to cover way too much. I found it a little tough to follow, and Risk doesn't really stand out to me much as a character. He's a fighter, who I guess is just trying his paw at acting? This wasn't bad, and I'm sure they'd be competent enough of a writer should they get in, but as it was, it didn't quite work for me. Also:

QuoteHis voice rumbled like oiled pebbles between a vixen's thighs.

Uhh. I'm trying to think of a situation in which a vixen would have oily pebbles between her legs, but nothing PG-13 or below is coming to mind. I just plain don't get the analogy or what it has to do with...anything. Was the author just trying to be edgy? If so, well, it obviously fell a little flat.


Poko

Chinpokomon is Super Toy #1!

Wait, wait, time out.

The accent.

It's terrible. I'm sorry. But if you get in, tone it the flonk down. Or your posts will be excruciating.

Secondly, the app is riddled with SPAG errors. One particularly awkward mistake:

QuoteThe ferret?s nostrils flared, ?You callin? me a thief?

Please tell me I'm not the only one who immediately imagined her nostrils saying that. XP

Anyway, they are all over the place with their commas. They're either misplaced or just...missing entirely. Yikes. The writing has a few good moments here and there ("frisk the ferret fruitlessly" XP), but overall the app doesn't make a lot of sense. If they're making a run for it before they all get arrested (which like, wouldn't take too long, I'd imagine), why have Poko bother to get on stage at all? Wouldn't they just high-tail it out of there?

As far as character goes, I find Poko to be a bit irritating. She's got the annoying accent, plus she's a bit of a sassy bratty kid, plus she's a master of disguise (NOTE: have you smelled a ferret before? They reek. Their musk is NOT EASY to cover up). Mneh. Also, she inexplicably has a Japanese sounding name that makes me think of the Japanese term for...something...I won't share here. Awkwaaard.

Methinks this app was written in a rush.


Shortstack

Franciscooo... (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQp4-jLajSg)

I really want to like this guy more, anachronistic name and all ("shortstack" is an American term; these vermin are not American!). The writing is decent. The end though, just. WTF? It seems so disjointed. Isn't someone going to like. Notice that he's walking through town wearing a dripping tailscarf? Also, Shortstack is a runt; an otter's tail is huge in comparison (and not fluffy, by the way). I got such an odd mental image at the end there, this little stoat staggering under they weight of a big, muscular tail draped over his shoulders. I liked the first half. The second half was almost like a different app entirely. As an actor, I don't think he's going to be making enough money to be handing out loans for new boats and whatnot. But anyhoo. I loved the first half. Could have done without the second.

And finally, a whole mess o' merchants.


Nyika

I'm a little confused. I think Nyika is just pretending to be the widow's husband at the end, but at times she talks as herself, so maybe she's just crazy? I get that she's young, and she kind of sucks at fortune telling. Or does she actually hear the dead? In which case, why does she then pretend to suck at fortune telling? Nerves? Inexperience? I don't get it. She did get freaked out when a draft went through the room, so I'm thinking she at least believes in ghosts, even if she can't actually hear them. The writing's pretty solid, so if they get in I just hope they can clear things up for me. I don't really get what's happening after several reads.

(After reading it and thinking about it for a few days, I actually THINK I figured out the app. I think the breeze Nyika feels IS the vixen's mate coming into the tent, and she CAN see and/or hear spirits/ghosts, so she's set up as a fortune teller to make some money off of it, because woohoo money. Only she's now realizing that it doesn't work like that, that she can't call up spirits at will, so her business venture is not going to well. I ended up changing my mind about her somewhat, though it probably shouldn't take that much rereading and pondering to get what should have been a more straightforward concept.)


Alder Flint

Hmm, good writing, and I'm intrigued to know what led Alder to desert his family. Part of me groans at the NPC package deal aspect of this, but even with his son there, I still get a good sense of his character. As long as his son doesn't become the more interesting character, he'll do fine.


Terrence Wellspiller

...The author knows that that's basically kidnapping, right? It comes across that way, a bunch of beasts grabbing an underage teen and not even really asking him if he wants to go with them. That aside, this app is a little on the melodramatic side, and the character isn't the most interesting of the bunch. Also, the writing is a touch confusing at times. I think they still have a good base to build upon should they get in. There's definitely room for improvement, but all in all, not a bad app.


Pollux

First, the good. I love the writing. Love, love, love. It's beautiful. It creates such fantastic imagery. I feel like I'm right there with Pollux.

QuoteIt was that deep period when the night was darkest; the path for him was lit by a spray of stars that illuminated his way in small crescents. He did not feel heavy, though the letter in his pocket did; he felt numb and useless. The forests around him were black in the night and they reminded him vividly of Mossflower, his childhood home. That forest had twisting, joyous paths which him and his brother had run through in youthful ecstasy. Those days were long gone.

<3

QuotePollux decided to answer with the truth, not that it mattered. "I dream of red." He confessed shortly. "Red everywhere; people I've murdered in the name of the Vulpuz." Shifting his gaze, he saw a clump of edelweiss, white, pure and unstained. "You?"

<3 PURDY WERDZ.

Now, the not so great. Simple SPAG errors, spaces missing, incorrect punctuation, EVERYWHERE. Also, the use of the term "boy" almost makes me forget I am reading about animals. Why not "kit" or "pup" or "cub" or whatever a little squirrel thang is called. This person can clearly write, but they still need to learn how to proofread.

Also, characterization: how is he a merchant? What does he sell? How does he even fit into this category at all? He's just a loner wandering around hating all the woodlander/vermin hate going on. Or is this some kind of abstract "OMG HES RLY SELLING PEACE U GUYZ" idea? I don't know. So, got to dock a bit for that. I know it's pretty typical for vermin to be "not really evil" these days, but I do like the way they've done it here. And who knows? Maybe the accident will get some fight back in him. I hope. Please. Or...you'll pretty much only have pretty words going for you, in my book.


Zevka Blackbriar

I like Zevka, for the most part. The one critique is that Mekad sometimes steals the spotlight a little? SPAG's a little wobbly in places. I like the writing otherwise. It was an entertaining scene. Also, Stekpo? That's. Quite a name y' got there. This author seems to be in love with the letter 'K'. XP



Well, that's all. Still not sure how I'll actually vote yet.

My tentative voting order (but this is likely to change somewhat, because we have an entire week to think about it):

Yew Guards:
1. Istvan
2. Maxine Honeydouble
3. Captain Noonawotsit
4. Grainger
5. Ben Slider

Dewhurst Players:
1. Vist
2. Risk
3. Shortstack
4. Poko

Merchants:
1. Alder Flint
2. Nyika
3. Zevka Blackbriar
4. Pollux
5. Terrence Wellspiller

Mmkay, just so no one is confused, I'm still Tara, and this is my account for reviewing contests. I will be using this account from now on (except for approving new members and such), because I can't see IP addresses or email addresses. So hoooopefully I can dodge finding out identities for as long as I can. :)

I changed my mind a little bit. Mostly on Maxine, who I felt I was way too harsh on originally. We need more badgers. Merchants, I think the top and the bottom picks are fairly fixed. The middle, however, is a tight race. You people need to stop having such convincing arguments. XP

I'm curious what you thought was so bad about Poko's accent... granted there was the "jerkface" bit which didn't fit in Redwall terms but a few other writers used similar terms as well. Otherwise, I thought she spoke pretty much like vermin from Redwall- and a bit like the Gonfelins too which fitted with her persona.

The phrase you mentioned,

QuoteThe ferret?s nostrils flared, ?You callin? me a thief?

didn't really jar me and I didn't pick up on the little grammar mistake there but even now that I see it, it doesn't seem so bad... I dunno I just really liked Poko overall (I'm voting for her above all the other performers) but I'm trying to see the not-so-good stuff in the application as well and since you put her last, I'd like to discuss her in a bit more detail.

QuoteI'm curious what you thought was so bad about Poko's accent... granted there was the "jerkface" bit which didn't fit in Redwall terms but a few other writers used similar terms as well. Otherwise, I thought she spoke pretty much like vermin from Redwall- and a bit like the Gonfelins too which fitted with her persona.

I pretty much agree with you here. I didn't think her accent was that bad. The only thing I found kind of distracting was the fact that she had an accent but her father didn't. I found that kind of strange.

Teenagers pick up accents more from their friends than from their parents (at least according to my psychology course). It could be she was just raised in a real verminy environment.

Yeah, I figured it was something like that. It was kind of strange though the first time I read it. I'm used to parents and children sounding the same in stories. It's possible her dad might not have been raised very verminy which, again, could be interesting for her character as well.

I don't mind characters that have accents, but I prefer accents to be more implied than just flat written out. It's the overload of apostrophes and phonetic spellings that rubs me the wrong way. Also, it's not putting a lot of trust in me, the reader, to pick up on the accent. I don't like being spoon-fed.

Quote?Owww! Whadja go an? do that fer? I ain?t done nuthin? ya crazy jerkface!?

"Owww! What'd ya go an' do that for? I ain't done nothin', ya crazy [ANYTHING OTHER THAN JERKFACE]." Accent still implied, but toned down. I mean, do you really need to change "nothin'" to "nuthin'"? There is no phonetic change that I can figure.

I hadn't even really noticed the mismatch in accents, but I'm not sure if that changes my opinion. It is a little weird that her father speaks so properly when she doesn't, but I guess she's at the rebellious teenager stage. Even the badger gets an accent change, briefly, when he says "ya" instead of "you." Again, this leads me to believe that the author did not spend a great deal of time on this. I would just hope, if she gets in, that she takes greater care on her story posts. Consistency is your friend! :)

Also.

QuoteThe phrase you mentioned,

QuoteThe ferret?s nostrils flared, ?You callin? me a thief?

didn't really jar me and I didn't pick up on the little grammar mistake there but even now that I see it, it doesn't seem so bad... I dunno I just really liked Poko overall (I'm voting for her above all the other performers) but I'm trying to see the not-so-good stuff in the application as well and since you put her last, I'd like to discuss her in a bit more detail.

It should have been a period. You don't flare a question out of your nose (at least...I've not known anyone who can physically do that). I'm a SPAGgy kind of gal, though. A few misses here and there don't bother me, but much more and it's hard for me to ignore. This whole app felt like it was written in a rush.

However, even if Poko had had perfect SPAG, I would still not rate her any higher. Well, no higher than third, perhaps. I take issue with the glaring errors in logic, mostly, because...

1. Why are they taking the time to keep putting on a show? The woodlanders know she's with the performers, clearly, because her father says they're going to have to leave. All it will take is for some Yew Guards to show up and, if not the daughter, arrest the father, who hasn't changed his "role." Plus, he already admitted to being her father.

2. Ferrets absolutely reek. I love 'em, but boy, they smell bad. And these are descented ones at a pet store that I'm talking about. I might have believed the musk thing working with just about any non-mustelid character, but when the guards do show up to arrest them, isn't it going to be a little suspicious if just one of their members practically bathed in perfume? Unless they're completely stupid (which, let's face it, that's how they're written in this app), they're going to figure it out.

Finally, the biggest issue I have with Poko is that she has no major flaws. Don't be fooled by the money bag mistake. I don't buy that that was a legitimate flaw, because, to me, it only served as a plot device to then show off how awesome and spectacular she is at disguise and no one is ever, ever going to catch her. Like ever, for serious, you guys. I get the distinct impression that Poko is going to succeed at everything she does in life, ever. I just happen to find that pretty boring in a character. I can picture her in the contest always getting the upper paw, always outwitting and outsmarting everyone, even beasts like, more than twice her age. She's 14. If ever there is an age to have flaws, that is it. Teenagers can often be very impulsive, and don't always think ahead. I know. I was that age once.

And yes, I can already hear the counter argument that she's impulsive because she took the plot device--I mean, money bag. And, yeah, that would be my response. Hey look, she's a pickpocket and she has all the dumb woodlanders fooled. Plot device is discovered, and now, hey look, she's an ultimate master of disguise that makes even squirrels have the hots for her, she's that attractive and sparkly and awesome.

So I guess, if she does get in (and from the reviews, it's looking likely), please, Poko's author, give her some flaws. Have her fail now and then. Have her not get along with her parents. Have her act more 14. Don't dumb down the characters around her, like the woodlanders in your application. I'm already pretty bored with her, so you're going to have to do something pretty big to change my mind about her.

Hope that clarifies some things. Really, it is Shortstack's first half of his app that redeems him enough to place higher. It started off really well. The entire second half only detracted from his character; I would so rather have just seen him like. Haul off and smack a Dibbun or something, preferably for no reason at all. Because he seems so kicked around, it was so jarring to suddenly have him threatening a full-sized otter. I kind of thought that's where he was going at first, when he said someone was going to have a bad night. I would much rather have seen him take out his rage on someone a bit more believable. Oh, and if it were a Dibbun, it would've made him such an utter jerkcreep, I would've loved to hate him forever. :wub:

As for my other rankings, I just love the heck out of Vist's melodrama, and even if it's not supposed to be intentionally humorous/cheesy, I've decided I'm going to live in my own little dream world and pretend that it is! The best written one in the category (besides Gashrock) is Risk by a long shot, weird oiled up vixens aside, but I didn't find him an especially interesting or complex character, so he's second to Vist, who, had Gashrock not blown me away with both her strong writing and characterization, would have won the category for me. I've just grown oddly fond of him. I dunno. I might start wearing a sparkly "Team Vist" t-shirt or something.

All in all, it's kind of an odd category to judge. For me, Gashrock was miles ahead of everyone, but after that, it gets a little tougher. Again, I kind of wish we'd had more to choose from.

QuoteFinally, the biggest issue I have with Poko is that she has no major flaws. Don't be fooled by the money bag mistake. I don't buy that that was a legitimate flaw, because, to me, it only served as a plot device to then show off how awesome and spectacular she is at disguise and no one is ever, ever going to catch her. Like ever, for serious, you guys. I get the distinct impression that Poko is going to succeed at everything she does in life, ever. I just happen to find that pretty boring in a character. I can picture her in the contest always getting the upper paw, always outwitting and outsmarting everyone, even beasts like, more than twice her age. She's 14. If ever there is an age to have flaws, that is it. Teenagers can often be very impulsive, and don't always think ahead. I know. I was that age once.

This is basically what I had a problem with as well. She can be super special awesome at thieving and whatnot, but I want to see what happens when she's not in total control over a situation. I want to see her actually get caught and have to figure out a way out of the situation without having to rely on her father. I want to see her independent, but I also want to see her fail, because she would develop a lot better if she does.

You summed it up very well Tara.

Quote2. Ferrets absolutely reek. I love 'em, but boy, they smell bad. And these are descented ones at a pet store that I'm talking about. I might have believed the musk thing working with just about any non-mustelid character, but when the guards do show up to arrest them, isn't it going to be a little suspicious if just one of their members practically bathed in perfume?

Ha ha - Oh I guess I thought when Poko sprayed the strong musk on herself that it was really musk - not perfume (which made me wonder if it was like...urine or something disgustingly glandular like what hunters spray on themselves to attract deer...

I'm uncertain that what has been written is all there is to the situation either. I doubt the father would just stand around and get caught. And if the angry badger can't find the perpetrators he might take issue with all the group. We just don't know what happens after. Or, for that matter, if this is even Yew. I don't think Yew has dungeons if everything's built out of wood...
And, as someone else mentioned - maybe this isn't the first time Poko has gotten caught. That could be seen as a flaw...except that most of Pyracantha's troupe ARE probably thieves and tricksters. They must have some strategy to deal with troubles their members might get into. I imagine them all as carnies, personally.

I think also that Poko would have been caught if the badger hadn't knocked her hat off - that she just took advantage of the fact that she knew the stolen goods were not on her at that moment. You know - luck not skill.

Oh well. I find it strange how opposite our opinions are, Tara. I feel the same about Risk as you do about Poko I guess, yet you like Risk and I like Poko. Go figure. Maybe I'm more sensitive about unnecessarily sensual descriptions and you're more sensitive about SPAG and we're both left with bad tastes in our mouths over very different issues.

To be fair, regarding Risk, it WAS just one sentence. I think people are harping on that a bit too much.

QuoteHa ha - Oh I guess I thought when Poko sprayed the strong musk on herself that it was really musk - not perfume (which made me wonder if it was like...urine or something disgustingly glandular like what hunters spray on themselves to attract deer...

Ewwwww, that's. That's so much worse. That's kind of creepy if they collect bottles of animal...essence...Like, do they work on a donation level, or do they actually purchase bottles of stank from somewhere? I can't imagine there'd be much of a market for it. I mean, I guess it's cool they remembered that animals have a heightened sense of smell, buuuut on the other hand, it reminds me of old-school RPs, where people like, set up their characters by basically saying, "Okay, and like, they've done all this stuff and taken all these precautions that it'd be IMPOSSIBLE for ANYONE ELSE'S character to beat them, okay guys?? I'm seriously." Poko didn't show us she was good at disguise, she told us. She did this and this and made it IMPOSSIBLE for anyone to see through her disguise. And that's another thing I forgot to bring up with her app, that she told too much, and didn't show enough. "Show, don't tell" is like, Writing 101, and one of my pet peeves. I mean, sometimes you can tell effectively, based on the character/situation, but this was not one of those times.

QuoteThen with a quick spray-down of heavy musk, she was not even recognizable by scent.  In a flash she was sprinting for the stage ? the last place her pursuers would be looking.

I just noticed something else. Why wouldn't they be looking at the stage? Because they're (written to be) really dumb? If she's a performer, and she's suddenly dashed off, aren't they going to search like, all the performers eventually? I get that she means to hide in plain sight, but it all just seems a little...twinky and presumptuous to me. How does she know exactly everything that the woodlanders are going to do?

I think I need to put this one to rest, because the more I read it, the more problems I find with it. XP

To answer your other points:

QuoteI think also that Poko would have been caught if the badger hadn't knocked her hat off - that she just took advantage of the fact that she knew the stolen goods were not on her at that moment. You know - luck not skill.

Aha, but see, I tend to factor luck into it as well. As in, the odds were ever in her favor. She could never be a Tribute, no matter how many millions of tesserae she's got! I mean, and the woodlanders were really dimwitted in this, you have to agree with that, at least. Why did the badger not search her hat? He was the one who knocked it off. Derp. Did it not jingle as it hit the ground? Because money tends to do that. I don't remember her mentioning that there were any bells on her hat in particular.

QuoteOr, for that matter, if this is even Yew.

Good point! I can't remember who all set their apps in Yew, and I must've gotten it mixed up. Sorry about that. Besides, they're obviously in Derpville, where all the woodlanders come with an extra side o' derp.

QuoteMaybe I'm more sensitive about unnecessarily sensual descriptions and you're more sensitive about SPAG and we're both left with bad tastes in our mouths over very different issues.

Plus allllll the other stuff I talked about, but yeah. I think Poko could have been good, but the writing was too flat and the setup told in an unrealistic manner. Again, like Skara from Questors Bold IV, I think if the writing hadn't been gorgeous, I would have passed on her. Which is also why I like Risk more, because the writing is a lot stronger. Plus, like Rara said elsewhere, he's not super n00by when you come to think of it. He did just kind of ambush them. They weren't ready for him. If he'd gone in and stopped and made a long speech about how he was going to pwn them all!!!!!1!, then I could justify calling him a twink. But actually, I guess the thing I like best about Risk is that the more I find out about him from reading and discussion, the more I start to like him. Kind of the opposite with Poko.

And really, it is just one line. Granted, the first time I read it, it made me hit my brakes so hard mentally that I was in danger of...a ten brain pileup...on the...on the brain highway...Okay, I think oiled pebbles actually has me beat there, as far as analogies go. Point is, surely one disagreeable line is better than an app that I keep unearthing more problems with as I go along?

(I'M SORRY I'M SO MEAN POKO. HAVE SOME FERRETS AND A HEDGEHOG AND SOME PING PONG BALLS (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ycN5p0RAjDU) AS A PEACE OFFERING.)

Quote(I'M SORRY I'M SO MEAN POKO. HAVE SOME FERRETS AND A HEDGEHOG AND SOME PING PONG BALLS AS A PEACE OFFERING.)

Though completely unrelated to the topic at hand, this video has reminded me of another video that desperately needs to be shared. You're welcome. - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Of2HU3LGdbo

Ha! Cute video!

QuoteTo be fair, regarding Risk, it WAS just one sentence. I think people are harping on that a bit too much.

QuoteAnd really, it is just one line. Granted, the first time I read it, it made me hit my brakes so hard mentally that I was in danger of...a ten brain pileup...on the...on the brain highway...Okay, I think oiled pebbles actually has me beat there, as far as analogies go. Point is, surely one disagreeable line is better than an app that I keep unearthing more problems with as I go along?

Not just one sentence for me...

Just to paint a picture of how I read Risk's app - all kinds of problems I had with it when I read it (see attached). This is me pointing and explaining my issues with a red pen.

Probably not fair to just pick on one app like this, but there was so much that bothered me. I wanted to go through step by step and remember what it was that gave me a poor impression. Perhaps there is just as much that bothered me in this one that bothered you about the other. Just wanted to show y'all it wasn't JUST the one sentence that influenced me...

I feel kind of conflicted about posting such negative feedback since I write too and I KNOW it's difficult (with drawing too, actually) to see problems when you're that close to the work.

In the end I think you all are right when you say to have someone else read what you wrote first before calling it finished. Having at least one pair of eyes that are not enamored with what you're still in love with might end up hurting you as an author (all criticism does at some level), but it'll help make it better in the end. I figure a lot of what bothered me could have been addressed with an outsider's read-through.
The part about already being famous and killing so easily (the point of which is to make the character look even more powerful) is not something that can be attributed to lack of outside editors though. So even with added grace in regards to flow, it's the type of character itself that makes me cringe a bit.

Oh, it's definitely not one sentence for me, either. I did think the spear through the head thing was pretty crazy. Also that the app tried to cover waaaaay too much, which was my biggest critique. That's one of the reasons why Vist is my number one vote. Melodramatic to a T, but his character is easily the most believable of the actors. I don't HATE any of them, of course. I just have my personal preferences. And when the story starts, ALL SHALL HAVE TO APPEASE ME OR DIE. MWAHAH.

(Also, yey catsharkroomba!)

To be fair, you do have good points about the application proper... the setup did advantage Poko greatly and the woodlanders were a bit slow on the uptake. Though the hat thing doesn't bother me too much because badgers are big and they tend to jus get to the point and could easily forget about the hat that went flying off. Plus, it tells me she's smart enough to hide the money in her hat, not in her clothing. And for the accent, I guess it's personal preference but I recall Jacques does use over the top accents filled with apostrophes and contractions, with many of his characters including the Gonfelins. Anyway, without going into the details, here is probably my last contribution to this debate.

I like Poko simply because I can see her character clearly through the app. Maybe I'm imagining stuff, but I picture her as impulsive, argumentative, over-confident, but also easily made insecure if she loses the support of her parents, which I hope will happen. Contrary to seeing her out-witting everyone, I see her more as attempting tricks and funny stuff and getting caught at it and finding out it's not so easy when you have to cooperate with everyone and survive. And I see a lot of good stuff which makes me root for her- she's clever, fierce, and she's still young which means her character might evolve by learning new things from the other survivors.

So there it is, my whole view on the topic. The other comments here have made me think a lot more about her though and it's been a really helpful reflection.

Quote

QuoteTo be fair, regarding Risk, it WAS just one sentence. I think people are harping on that a bit too much.

QuoteAnd really, it is just one line. Granted, the first time I read it, it made me hit my brakes so hard mentally that I was in danger of...a ten brain pileup...on the...on the brain highway...Okay, I think oiled pebbles actually has me beat there, as far as analogies go. Point is, surely one disagreeable line is better than an app that I keep unearthing more problems with as I go along?

Not just one sentence for me...

Just to paint a picture of how I read Risk's app - all kinds of problems I had with it when I read it (see attached). This is me pointing and explaining my issues with a red pen.

Probably not fair to just pick on one app like this, but there was so much that bothered me. I wanted to go through step by step and remember what it was that gave me a poor impression. Perhaps there is just as much that bothered me in this one that bothered you about the other. Just wanted to show y'all it wasn't JUST the one sentence that influenced me...

Am I the only one that wasn't bothered by the oiled pebbles line, and as a matter of fact, enjoyed it? It's great imagery, shockingly sexual (and therefore hilarious), and tells a lot about the type of beast Risk is. One that has a lot of sex.

Hmm... I don't know, Vizon, if that red ink over a single applicant's writing was warranted. It's much different from engaging in discussion than putting up a sign post for everyone to view. It's just much more glaring.

I liked Risk a lot, personally, and I would like to offer some counterpoints to yours, if you don't mind.


On Risk and the mud, I didn't seem to have any problem figuring out what was going on. I got immediately that Risk was hiding out or stalking. One minute the kits are ogling at a red kerchief (the silliest of things to give to a hordesbeast), and the next thing you know Risk is there, towering, overbearing, and generally intimidating. Risk is into shocking reveals. One minute something we think is happening, and then Risk turns it on its head and suddenly we are off in an entirely new direction.

Oiled pebbles line I've mentioned....

On Risk the Cutter: Risk is famous, apparently. They say he slew a badger prince. Say... he slew a badger prince. I don't see what the fuss is that he's powerful and very good at killing. Some beasts are only good at one thing, and to be honest, we see these types of creatures all the time in Classic Redwall. It makes sense he's famous, and whether or not he's a part of the horde isn't clarified yet, until...

Quote"Were you just tryin' to recruit these two young todds into your fool's army?"

Oops, guess not. Seems to me he's not part of a horde at all.

Quote"Oh, er, no, sir, just-but, say... wot are you doin' with runty an' stunted 'ere?"

Your response: I thought he just stood up out of a bush rather than being obviously with them.

Look at the clues, though. Risk's entire accusation gives it away. He calls them two young todds, which is kind of endearing, which gives the hint that he cares for them, and calls the hordeleader a fool. Obviously Risk is not part of the horde to call the leader a fool, and because he's standing there being all intimidating in front of the weasel asking none too kindly if they were trying to recruit them, I think it makes a fair amount of sense for Risk to be assumed to be with the todds.

QuoteCursing and thrashing foliage could be anything - whoever this Hoc is might just be caught in a bramble...?

Yes, you're right, but cursing and thrashing foliage could be anything, so Hoc could also be in danger. I'm not sure why this was even pointed out...

QuoteWho? How do they even know there's to be a fight?

Why should they not assume there'll be a fight? Check out the todds. They get all super excited about joining a horde because they get kerchiefs, and later on, they are caught prodding the eyes of a dead rat. They like fighting and death, or at least are interested in it a fair deal.

Furthermore, they just happened to be right. Let's say that Hoc did get caught in a bramble. I would imagine that everyone would come running and the todds would be all disappointed. "Aw man, I thought there was going to be a fight..." Dank said as he kicked at some sod.

QuoteFinally I'm getting an idea of what the setting/circumstance might be.

Why is this important before this point?

As far as the fight scene is concerned, I'm not sure what everyone's deal with it is. We have a bunch of imbecilic dunces trying to fight a champion, and yes, Risk is bulky and strong. Why should this detract from him? Hasn't anyone read of hulking creatures in Redwall that could snap a beast in two? What about the Gloomer? The Wearet? Brian Jacques always has monsters in his books. Risk is one such, but he has actual sentience behind him. That's what the difference is. Is that why it's suddenly not acceptable?

QuoteWow - the nerve of those bad beasts trying to find a healer... So Risk just killed them all. I wonder if he'd spoken to them first if things might have ended differently?

Maybe, but he didn't ask them first. This is why it's funny, hahaha.

Quote(Finally I understand what was going on at the start)

Again, why do we need this information before this point? In writing, an author has a deck of cards. He decides what cards to give you in order to paint the picture. Sometimes he holds cards back because some things are unnecessary or would detract from the mystery and the allure. Risk's line, "Sorry, I was keepin' an eye on the twins..." works twofold. It gives an answer to a question we had at the beginning of the piece, and it shows Risk deferring to Hoc. This is super important!!! What we just saw, Risk beating the living snot out of three beasts at once, not only has a soft side with the todds, but also gets bossed around by a super big weakling of a jerk.


And now to the fact that it was all a flashback. I've seen people complain about this, too, but I can't understand why. We learn so much about Risk from the preceding scene, why should it even be an issue? Risk's days with Hoc and the Todds are what he considers "The Good Old Days," when he was ward to a pair of immature brats and a bodyguard to a frail and weak fox that constantly put him down and told him he was wrong.

I think this is very, very important to Risk's character. He can't do right in the eyes of Hoc. He saves his life, but he gets Hoc's tunic stained in the process, gets scolded for leaving his side, and then gets reprimanded when Hoc hears that the twins could have disappeared to become hordebeasts. And then, after it all, when Risk tells them to respect the dead, Hoc dismisses him there, too.

Risk can do nothing right in the eyes of Hoc.

And now he's getting bossed around by a mime, of all things.


I don't mean to come off as harsh or anything. I'm just trying to offer counterpoints to yours because like I said, I like Risk, and this time between when the apps are posted and the votes are counted is super important because people can't defend themselves. They have to rely solely on the audience to fight for them.

I would like to see what you thought of Nyika and Grainger. While they're at the bottom of your pile, they're both at the top of mine. Risk was, too, actually, hahaha. You seem to hate all my favorites, and if I had a chance to defend them, I would like the opportunity.

*edit - Oops! We talked about Grainger in your other thread. Forget about him, unless we can bicker more about him!

Banter's good. I'm glad you're engaging my points - and really the last thing I want to do is hurt someone's feelings...which is hard not to do when giving critique. Our characters are near and dear to us - a part of us even. So criticism can be taken quite personally when one is the writer for a character - so I'm glad you're making a case on behalf of Risk's writer.
The redline is my default when it comes to critique because I'm used to giving artistic critique (which utilizes redlines superimposed over the original drawing). But I realize it looks more teacherly and mean when it's writing - the red pen of dooooom. This is how I edit my own stuff too though - print it out and scribble and write all over it.

That said, I'll leave your Risk defense alone - I think I'm done with that one. You spotted my explanations for Grainger, but it seems you missed my Nyika explanation. That's more of a personal aversion to psychics and the supernatural. I know there's a ghost of Martin in Redwall, but it's not my cup of tea. When I first picked up a Brian Jacques book in the 7th grade, I was gripped by the raw realism he described - torture and death and slavery even though it was a story about little animals and mice! I loved that contrast to the typical "happy woodland creatures" fairytale type stories that are all sanitized and cutsie for kids. I was ready for battles and blood and villainy, but still enjoyed the idea of talking animals. So it's the raw realism that I've always loved about Redwall. Not so much the supernatural bits. So that's mostly just me and not a good argument for others not to rank Nyika higher.
Other than that it felt like I learned more about the Vixen than the fortune teller in the app, and it wasn't very clear what exactly took place except that Nyika really did have the sixth sense (though why the ghost didn't tell her his name is strange if he really wanted help).

I'm so glad everybody can have a good, serious talk here without it dissolving into angry, rude behaviour. : )

Me too. And like you pointed out in your audio reviews (which I found highly entertaining incidentally), everyone who made it this far has already been sorted through and "chosen" as above the cut. So it's all really just a lot of nitpicking to narrow it down. No one should feel like their apps are hated or perceived as horrible.

Not to pick on you in particular, because I noticed other people saying it as well, but I don't understand how we learn more about the vixen than we do about Nyika.

We learn more about the vixen's history, I suppose, but that's just because we're told it from Nyika. It's kind of superficial. There have been seers in Redwall since the start. Grissoul from Taggerung in particular is one of my favorites because she is one of the only cases where Brian Jacques doesn't outright tell us whether or not her prophesying is real or fake. That's one of the things I love about Nyika; she leaves it up to the reader to decide for now. You have to lave some mystery so the reader wants to see more.

I enjoyed this app because it doesn't TELL us what she's like, but shows it in subtle ways.

Quote"You spend a lot of coin, don't you?" Nyika said, peering atop the glass bubble to the vixen sitting across from her. She had noticed the way she had been teasing with a jeweled ring when she first entered her tent, but that wasn't her only clue.

QuoteThe wildcat shrugged, dropping her gaze back to the ball. It was unnecessary theatrics but it helped beasts believe, and more often than not that made the difference.

Right from the start, she's observant and clever. You can also tell that this isn't the first time she's done this and she knows the art if nothing else. She wants to be paid because she has to eat, but at the same time you can tell by the way she reacts to the vixen selling her kits that she has high moral standards. She puts aside the seer persona to tell her what she thinks instead of what the vixen wants to hear. But at the same time she still acts like a teenager, moping and feeling sorry for herself and arguing with the ghost.

And I just love the mental image of Nyika trying to do her thing while a beast with his throat cut is standing right over the vixen's shoulder staring at her XD I'd love to see how she would do around some of the other beasts who make a living by killing.

Pick away - I don't mind. These are good points.

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.

Quote from: Vizon on June 04, 2013, 01:38:43 PM
Other than that it felt like I learned more about the Vixen than the fortune teller in the app, and it wasn't very clear what exactly took place except that Nyika really did have the sixth sense (though why the ghost didn't tell her his name is strange if he really wanted help).

Hmm, I've noticed most everyone state this (most notably Rousseau), about the confusion involving why Nyika couldn't guess his name if he's standing right there ready to feed her information. I can offer two guesses as to why:

• The Fox Ghost is playing with her.
• The Fox Ghost is feeding her false names.

Personally, I think it's the second. Look at what information we have. We have a vixen who lives extravagantly, donning jewelry and being prissy and going so far as to sell her kits to a slaver to continue living her extravagant lifestyle. Then she turns around and goes to a seer. If the Fox Ghost has been following her around, it makes sense for him to protect his investments, instilling enough doubt in his mate of Nyika's authenticity so she doesn't waste the coin he worked so hard to earn.

Then when he learns the fate of his kits, he seems to back off. Check out that first line of dialogue Nyika shares with him:

Quote"Oh, shut up," she growled in the empty tent. "I need to eat too, you know."

What was he doing? Apologizing? Offering explanations? Whatever the case, Nyika doesn't want to hear it and she's bitter he cheated her out of a sale.

But yeah, Nyika has that mystery of "Is she authentic or is she crazy?" It's never answered, and that's what I love about her. For all we know, because she didn't know his name, she could have pulled that Splitear remark out her butt, then realize what she said and got really upset about it. It seems she's self-conscious about it if she's constantly reassuring herself that her ear is perfectly fine.

I honestly think I'm enjoying reading people debating than I am the actual applications right now! It's so great to see people getting so in-depth with their reviews and actually taking the time to argue for the ones they want to win. :)

I've read over Nyika's application a few times, and I don't feel like I've come to a concrete conclusion as to what really happened in it. But I think that's the point. I think the ambiguity surrounding her is a great way of getting around the inherent twinky-ness of seers. Personally, I see Nyika as somebody who is genuinely gifted with a seer's ability, but cannot control it. She can't choose when to see or hear the spirits; they approach her of her own accord, and the ambiguous ending to the application is a reflection of the fact that even Nyika herself doesn't really know what's going on. And she's only sixteen. Every single day for a sixteen year old is a series of confusing events. :P

I just love the thought of a fortune-teller who has absolutely no say over what they can and can't see. It seems a very original idea to me, and one that wonderfully evades the inherent issues of seers being too powerful.

Hmm. Can't help but wonder how Nyika's author is reacting to this! Either way, it's likely she'll be making it into the top nine, so I'm interested to see how this turns out.

Ever seen the movie Ghost, with Patrick Swayze? XD
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oAb2_-uv41Y

Aleisou, I would like to know more as to why you think seers are so twinkish. I've never really thought of a seer as a twink, although I can see how they might be able to use their mystical powers to extract information they should not know. However, it seems more like something you'd find in a roleplay site with a newbish and immature writer, not one applying for a legitimate writing contest, and if so, probably wouldn't have the charm, speculation, and possible fraud that Nyika exhibits.

Have you witnessed firsthand how seers can be twinky? Was there a specific instance that turned you off to them? I'm curious!

I second that. I never really thought of seers being twinkish; it's not like they have any real control over their powers. Even if a seer could see the future, it doesn't mean they can do anything to stop or change it. It's not like they can cast magic or read people's minds.

QuoteI second that. I never really thought of seers being twinkish; it's not like they have any real control over their powers. Even if a seer could see the future, it doesn't mean they can do anything to stop or change it. It's not like they can cast magic or read people's minds.

I'm glad I didn't submit the seer application I almost sent in for the Yew Guard then. The whole thing was a redo of my Redscape application Claire, a seer police officer, but changed in a few ways. The new application was for a fox seer who used her ability to see the future to catch criminals and stop crimes from happening in Yew... all for the reason of desperately wanting the satisfaction and approval of the racist woodlander who raised her. It doesn't sound too bad on paper, but she was pretty good at fighting, could see the future (and control her abilities pretty well. She was basically all-seeing and a total twink). There was a reason I didn't submit it.

I can see Seers being considered twinks if done poorly like mine was about to be. But I think Nyika has done a good job of making herself not all powerful and still be an interesting character.

Quote from: Aleisou on June 04, 2013, 04:49:37 PM
I've read over Nyika's application a few times, and I don't feel like I've come to a concrete conclusion as to what really happened in it. But I think that's the point. I think the ambiguity surrounding her is a great way of getting around the inherent twinky-ness of seers. Personally, I see Nyika as somebody who is genuinely gifted with a seer's ability, but cannot control it. She can't choose when to see or hear the spirits; they approach her of her own accord, and the ambiguous ending to the application is a reflection of the fact that even Nyika herself doesn't really know what's going on. And she's only sixteen. Every single day for a sixteen year old is a series of confusing events. :P

Yesss. My thoughts exactly.

And, I know I've picked on poor Poko too much already, but to her author I would just say, take note of how Nyika's age comes through in this, without her having to be over the top sassypants. Nyika feels like a believable teenager, and she FAILED at something. And pouted about it. She didn't win the entire world ever.

And I would just like to say that overall, I was really impressed by the caliber of apps we got! I think no matter what, this is going to be a great story. Also, I am also really, really happy that we are able to discuss these apps without dissolving into flaming and name calling. I'm already attached to many of these characters and I just wanna put in a good word for them! And that's what everyone else is doing too. Yey!

I'm posting about Poko because I missed the party Monday night when I was at work. But most points have already been covered!!! I guess I'll just bullet point things...

Ain't nothin' wrong wit' accents...: Seriously, read the books. Brian Jacques is notorious for writing out his accents, it only makes sense that fan-writers will emulate this. Taking points off for this is annoying and aggravating when you're trying to emulate the author that inspired this contest.

The musk thing...: Has been done before. As a matter of fact, I wrote a female otter named Ebb who used to purchase bottles of her friend's stench to cover up her own smell and pretend to be her (dead) brother.

The idiocy of woodlanders...: I actually didn't have a problem with this. Someone mentioned her hat falling off and the badger not seeing it. This is completely believable, considering badgers are large, hulking creatures and it makes sense that they can be short-sighted in some areas. On the squirrel lass, she is enamored by the Players! Look at her, she's smitten! She's been described as being sympathetic, which means not only did she enjoy the show but she cares for these Dewhurst Players, and then she watches with starry eyes a fantastic act with fire torches and all that good stuff.

" 'Oh, if only he were a squirrel and not a ferret...' she sighed forlornly," because all she wants to do is take one home and feed grapes to him as he lays in a provocative position on a gilded couch. I didn't see the squirrelmaid enamored so much by Poko, per se, as much as the entire Dewhurst Player troupe. If we're talking about twinks and the like, the entire troupe should be at fault, not necessarily Poko.


Let's look at Poko for a minute. Brattish, invincible, lovable. This is what she is when she's with the Dewhurst Players. Let's imagine a scenario where she's out of her element, where she can't rely on her father or the other members of the troupe to back her up or guide her. Poko could very well fall apart at the seams, being forced to venture in unfamiliar territory, finding herself unable to woo the hearts of the other survivors like she can the crowd. Yet somehow her skills, particular and unique as they are, might be the one thing they need for survival.

Quote from: foxpen on June 04, 2013, 05:11:48 PM
Ever seen the movie Ghost, with Patrick Swayze? XD
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oAb2_-uv41Y

I haven't seen that film, but that clip was hilarious! Definitely going to have to watch that now.

Quote from: Sycamore on June 04, 2013, 05:23:27 PM
Aleisou, I would like to know more as to why you think seers are so twinkish. I've never really thought of a seer as a twink, although I can see how they might be able to use their mystical powers to extract information they should not know. However, it seems more like something you'd find in a roleplay site with a newbish and immature writer, not one applying for a legitimate writing contest, and if so, probably wouldn't have the charm, speculation, and possible fraud that Nyika exhibits.

Have you witnessed firsthand how seers can be twinky? Was there a specific instance that turned you off to them? I'm curious!

Well ... the fact that I grew up on a healthy diet of exactly those kind of noobish roleplaying sites may have something to do with it. I couldn't link you to any examples but I definitely encountered some VERY badly written seers who could use their abilities to control what would happen and escape from it ... It's left me prejudiced for life, hahaha.

I'm sure a talented writer could pull off a genuine seer, but as you said, the speculation and possible fraud is what makes Nyika so charming!

Rousseau, your seer police officer sounds like the concept for a new crime drama TV series! XD Think you're onto something there.

QuoteRousseau, your seer police officer sounds like the concept for a new crime drama TV series! XD Think you're onto something there.

It was originally based on the show "Medium," so someone's already beaten me to it unfortunately :P

Quote from: SycamoreAin't nothin' wrong wit' accents...: Seriously, read the books. Brian Jacques is notorious for writing out his accents, it only makes sense that fan-writers will emulate this. Taking points off for this is annoying and aggravating when you're trying to emulate the author that inspired this contest.

I guess this is true, but I found them kind of annoying in the books themselves. Again, I have no problem with accents, but I just personally prefer them to be toned down. And again: why change it to "nuthin'" when it doesn't change the sound? It's excessive, unnecessary changes that I dislike. I still would've pronounced it exactly the same in my head. I just think it looks sloppy, which I find irritating.

Also, emulating, yes. I would argue that a writer can emulate another writer and still maintain their own unique voice, though. I don't want to read someone trying to sound just like Brian Jacques, because, well, a lot of his characters were underdeveloped and boring, and a lot of them were the same (this happened more and more as he wrote stacks of books). As a kid I didn't really notice, but the man did write a lot of twinkish characters. Felldoh, most badgers, etc. Point is, I stopped reading the later books for a reason: the characters just never really seemed to change by that point. So while I love nods to canon, I don't really want a character c/ped from a Redwall book. As I'm older now, I appreciate complexity a lot more than I did as a kid. If that makes sense. Bah. I have to go to work. More later.

Meh. I'm so tired from work and antihistamines I can't think. I got nothin'. I've already picked on Poko enough anyway. I'm sure she'd do fine in the contest, but unless she changes a few things, she just may not have a fan in me. That's all. She seems to have plenty of fans anyway. We'll have to just wait and see.

Here, have a crappy Pyracantha (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v322/cattletownusa/photo-1_zps047aa9cd.jpg) drawing. I started it like, the day I wrote the prologue, but I couldn't be bothered to finish/scan it. It was gonna have Flax too. XP

That is a wonderful piece of art! She looks quite tough

I second that! It's a good piece of art, I like it :D I love seeing art for these contests in general.

Thankee! I'm just glad to see so much art already! :)

Um. So. This was written up (but not sent) last night on these forums. But I can't not share this with you now.

QuoteHnm. I have had entirely too much Fireball Whiskey and I thought vageuly about doing reviews to see if alcohol had any effect on my opiniosn, but I'm pretty sure if I tryied to type a coherent post it wouldn't work. Even this small post ins a failure. NOt sure why  im even trying. MMMKWAY. plus I already voted anyway.


BUT GO TWAM VIST

TEMA


TEAM VIST!!!!


YEAH.


That si all. Your admin ais inebriated, ladies and germs.

Even DTNT (Drunk Totally Not Tara) approves of Vist. I think that's a compliment? I'm Ron Burgundy? My head hurts a little. I need some water.

Soooo I think DTNT should have her own account. That would be very entertaining  ^-^

I second that motion. Any objections? Motion passed.

Aaaah yiss.

Liver: I might have an--

SILENCE!!

I feel like it would be appropriate here to resurrect a certain old smiley:
:norf: 

Noooorf! Aw, I wish Geo was here. Silly raccoonface.

Okay, here be my reviews for the story. Some will be short, but generally that's a good thing, I think? A lot of the time it means I don't have a lot to critique you on. Or sometimes it's because I'm busy and my tired brain just can't find the words. Kind of like today. XP

For full disclosure, I do have access to the contestant board, though I am contacting the contestants through one safe thread, mainly. I don't read the plotting or the pre-posts unless I've been asked to.

The Fall - Poko

More disclosure: I was asked to read a draft of this post before it went live. I think my one disappointment was that I was under the impression that it was only the beginning of the post that I was reading, and that there was going to be more. I know, I'm being a massive hypocrite for complaining about a post being too short, but I was just left wanting more than I got. I'm not sure what else could have been covered, though. So...this has been the least helpful review ever, probably. I guess I'll have to wait for the second round of posts before I really can make up my mind about Poko. As I told the author already, though, it was wonderful to see her out of her element for once, and as I said in Stonewall's Happy Poem Fun Land, I think killing off the parents was a smart move. I don't think it has to make her angsty. She comes off as kind of bratty anyway (to me), so I just don't see her emo-ing out for the rest of the story.


Death on the Snowfield - Nyika

Quote"Zevka?

"Zevka, wake up.

"? Zevka."

"Hello, Link! Wake up! The Great Deku Tree wants to talk to you! Link, get up! Hey, c'mon! Can Hyrule's destiny really depend on such a lazy boy?"

(SORRY.)

Anyway. OMG Nyika and Zevka are adorable together. Zevka's like a stern mother to her and Poko. Very cute.

One thing I'm not really feeling are the two sided conversations with the dead. I kind of liked only seeing Nyika's side of the conversation. Though I guess it did confuse a lot of reviewers initially, which I guess is why you're being more obvious about it. It's a little too Sixth Sense-y for my tastes.

Did you. Really. Make "Soft Kitty" a thing. In your post. I don't even know what to say. It's funny, but. I would've preferred something more original, rather than you taking a geeky song and changing one word in it. :P

Quote"We're here."

The words floated across her consciousness like a leaf on a river, just out of reach and drifting farther and farther away.

Very nice imagery. :)

Overall, it was a nice opening post, and I'm glad Nyika's in the cast. I feel so bad for her! She's not having a lot of luck right now. Well, none of them are, really. XP

Quote from: TNT on June 24, 2013, 09:17:51 PM

Quote"Zevka?

"Zevka, wake up.

"? Zevka."

"Hello, Link! Wake up! The Great Deku Tree wants to talk to you! Link, get up! Hey, c'mon! Can Hyrule's destiny really depend on such a lazy boy?"

(SORRY.)

CORRECT.

I stole this from A Link to the Past.

I'm actually really happy you caught it! =^.^=

Sorry about Soft Kitty, haha, but in my defense I don't watch the show, so when I first heard it I had no context. I just thought it a sweet song and it had to be stolen.

Thank you for reviewing!! I'm really happy you liked my post despite all my thievery!

Haaaaah, it's been a while since I played that one, but at least I got the series right! :P

The Legend of Zevka: A Nyik to the Past  8)

Context for everyone: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p5o94LV5gG0#t=19s

QuoteOne thing I'm not really feeling are the two sided conversations with the dead. I kind of liked only seeing Nyika's side of the conversation. Though I guess it did confuse a lot of reviewers initially, which I guess is why you're being more obvious about it. It's a little too Sixth Sense-y for my tastes.

I appreciate that! Truthfully it was always my intent that if Nyika got in to display the ghosts as real and physical in her posts. With the different perspectives in the chapters, Nyika's focuses more behind her eyes so I want to show everyone exactly what she's seeing and what she's hearing. The application was more experimental, to introduce the concept that this is something not everyone can relate to, which is why I took it from more of an outside perspective.

I think you'll get enough one-sided conversations from others' posts, heehee. =^.^=

Also! Thank you for pointing out that leaf line! I was really proud of it. *purrs*

Yeah, I suppose there's not much of a different way it could be done, short of you writing all of your posts from another character's perspective...which wouldn't make much sense. Oh well!

At the Mountains of Madness - Zevka

The post so nice, you named it twice! ;)

But seriously, I'm not sure what to make of this post. Not only is it long, it feels long, and not a whole lot happens for the majority of it. The flashbacks, while informative, brought the action to a grinding halt, and I was sorely tempted to skim over them. I think perhaps a more effective way to bring the audience this information would be to do it through their conversation, or in quick snippets while Zevka is in thought. I dunno, it just didn't seem like a very smooth transition to me, but hey, that's just my opinion. Also, nitpicky, but I didn't care for the first flashback being in Nyika's perspective. Maybe it's because I'm tired, but at first I didn't know who the wildcat or fox were, and why Zevka was nowhere in the scene at first, and I found it kind of confusing. Maybe that's why the transition seemed jarring to me. I dunno.

Yeah, and. The hare at the end...came completely out of left field. I'm no medical expert, but wouldn't someone with a sword through their stomach, all feverish and close to death, have trouble finding the voice to scream so loudly? I understand the delirious and crazy behavior, but eh.

QuoteWell, if anybeast sees me like this, I can say goodbye to my intimidation factor! Zevka thought, but she didn't force Nyika away immediately.

Oh man, this was cheesy. Funny, though. Aww. XD

QuoteZevka ignored Nyika. "Look, I'm sorry you're dead! Really, I am! If we could help you, then we would, but this isn't Yew. Out here, Nyika cannot get in touch with your loved ones, or take care of your kits, or do anything else for you! Leave her alone! Go find a house to haunt! Go sneak into theatres without paying! Go give some kit who isn't stranded in the mountains some nightmares! But please, do it somewhere else!"

I think this was my favorite part of your post. The bit about sneaking into theatres was great. XP

Overall you need to watch your SPAG, though. You were a bit wobbly with missing commas and periods, as well as unnecessary commas.

Quoteno, get a grip Zevka!

Needs a comma after grip. I can't be bothered to copy and paste them all, but this happened several times throughout.

Quote?Zevka's the name. Zevka Blackbriar?

Missing period. Again, happened at least once more, or I probably wouldn't even bring it up. XP

Finally, yes, I caught the Biara reference. Obviously we have an MM1 enthusiast in our midst. ^^

Wait, not finally. This finally:

QuoteMy Exquisite Darling Flower Zevka,? she crooned in an exaggeratedly saccharine voice, rolling her eyes.

The marteness returned her voice to normal. ?First of all, Mekad and I are not a couple. Second, if we were a couple, and he sent me a letter this sickeningly sweet, I would go to Carrigul, punch him in the nose and ditch him. And he knows it. Anyways, he goes on for a few sentences about our imaginary romance, and then includes this little gem.?

You do know that by saying this, and then following it with this...

QuoteThere are way too many beasts out there who will slip a knife between your ribs for a copper, so when you find a beast who won't, you need to hang onto them, Nyika, because that's a rare thing."

The marteness leaned back. ?That's why I have to get Mekad. Our tails have been tied together since we were both much younger than you. And this...? she flipped the coin in her paw to Nyika. ?Is why you're going to help me. There'll be more where that came from when I find Mekad." The marteness narrowed her eyes and leaned forward

...is just going to make people ship them even harder, right? ;)

(Oh hey, there was the other missing period. Found it! ^^)


Misty Mountain Hop - Risk

Risk is so much fun. From the very beginning, when he referred to some weasels as being "aerodynamic," I knew I was going to enjoy this post. I like the way you play with words and experiment, like with the alliterative "rotten rhubarb" and this:

QuoteSuddenly he couldn't think of anything further to say. So instead he cussed- and the wind cussed back, bitter and sharp as any old sailor, spit-fleck snow scalding his cheeks.

I sometimes forget about something being so cold it feels white hot. This was great. And it's great because I almost didn't like it at first, because it was just odd, but it grew on me. Which is kind of what your character did initially!

I think if I had one critique, it'd be that you sometimes get a little too caught up in being funny and quirky that I start to forget what's actually going on. Maybe that's my fault as a reader. I dunno! But I've gotta give you something. XP

Finally, I think Risk and Goragula are going to make an interesting pair.

QuoteAt the Mountains of Madness - Zevka

The post so nice, you named it twice!

I don't know what you're actually referencing with that, but the first thing that popped into my head was the American Idol winner Phillip Phillips who used "A boy so nice they named him twice" as his slogan. Anyways, this is super off topic, but Phillip Phillips is from my hometown... he also came through the drive thru of where I work last night. Yeah....

Also, I just noticed Risk's signature and I need to love him forever because of it. Glad to see other people on this forum have played Bioshock Infinite.

Oh, no, it was just me poking fun at them titling their post that, then including the post name at the top of their post as well. Which, to be clear, wasn't really part of my actual review. If that were a death vote worthy offense, then I'm a terrible audience member. ;)

I don't watch American Idol anymore, but hooray for minor celebrity sightings!

Deal With It and Keep Walking - Vanessa

I don't honestly have much to say about this post other than it's one of my favorite ones I've read so far. Vanessa was actually not as close to the top of my guard picks as she was for the other judges, but I'm really very glad she's gotten in. I'm not craaaazy about the accent, but I'm at least glad it's consistent. And really, accents are just. Personal annoyances for me. I like to imagine them and not be just. Handed them, verbatim. I guess a lot of people like that, though, so eh. What can I do. But Vanessa is fun, and I liked that she's actually kind of excited about these circumstances. I'm guessing she'll probably be the only one, which could lead to some interesting interactions.

Anyhoo, the only problems I have with this post are fairly nitpicky, like the odd varying paragraph formats, and I think there was a missing quotation mark somewhere. That's all, really. Really excited that you guys are focusing on character interactions so much.


Golden Fools - Gashrock

Ah, Gashypants. My favorite app of the bunch. Though that's probably not all that surprising, as you were a judge pick. XP

QuoteShe hoped it had something to do with improv-ement,

Quick question. Is this Gashrock not knowing the word "improvisation" exists, or the author? Based on what I know of the character so far, I'm guessing the former, but it just struck me as a bit of an odd line. I think it was the first 'e' in "ement" that threw me off. Or am I missing an improvement double meaning of sorts? This is also a definite possibility. XP

Quote?And the rest?? The merchant wouldn't have known who to inform Gashrock about, and Poko looked too numb to pass along any sort of news.

?Ah'm nae sure?? Fern began.

?Then do yer not think it'd be a fan-tastical idea to get sure??

Sassygashypants! XD

I don't have much in the way of comments, but I really enjoyed this post as well. Gashrock has a useful and probably underrated skill, and I like that it's being put to good use. Yey!

QuoteQuick question. Is this Gashrock not knowing the word "improvisation" exists, or the author? Based on what I know of the character so far, I'm guessing the former, but it just struck me as a bit of an odd line. I think it was the first 'e' in "ement" that threw me off. Or am I missing an improvement double meaning of sorts? This is also a definite possibility. XP

"She'd just have to make like a proper actor and improvise. That was what they always said. She hoped it had something to do with improv-ement"

Hmm. I think it was a play on the repetition on 'improv' in improvise and improvement. I thought it was pretty clever pun actually!

Oh and ... I need to review. I will! At some point. Maybe today. Or maybe tomorrow.  ... But I will!

Ah. Yes. I meant to say earlier, I think I get it now. I thought it probably was a double meaning, but I just didn't quite pick up on it.

Also, I'm sorry if my reviews are short, but I just want to make sure I get through everything before voting.

Respect Is Earned, Not Given - Goragula

I have no real complaints here. This was great. THANK YOU for having him be a clear villain from the get-go. Please let him stay that way. I love this. Develop him, have him form relationships with the others, but please don't lose that ebil! Goragula was not my highest scored app, but I just can't see him not being in the cast now! Well done, toadles.

Pepper Steak - Istvan

I find it interesting/amusing that Istvan currently seems to be the most hated by everyone else, when he's a woodlander, a guard, and lives by a strict moral code.

Quote"Nyika sees dead beasts," said the pine marten from behind them.

I read that in a whisper, just because. :P

I was honestly a little underwhelmed by this post. After what was one of the best written apps we got, in my opinion, I kind of expected a lot more out of Istvan. Unlike Goragula, who is definitely a villain, Istvan seems a little too withdrawn from the rest of the cast. He's either away from them or reacting to them, usually quietly, which isn't terribly interesting. I know his life is devoted to serving this higher power, but I'm afraid this could keep him from some valuable interactions with others. I dunno. I was expecting a lot more out you, Istvan. I shall have to see what your second post this week has in store.


The Art of Flying in the Snow - Noonahootin

Other than the extra line break between paragraphs and some SPAG issues, this was an all right post. A bit slow at the beginning with all the recapping, but I'm glad you found a way to keep Noonahootin from flying off back to Yew for help other than just, like, breaking a wing or whatever. I had been wondering how you were going to handle his obvious advantage in this setting ever since you were voted in. Noonahootin is kind of an endearing character. I like him. His name is still silly as all get out, though. :P

A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes - Nyika

QuoteNyika cursed the world for pitting everybeast against her.

QuoteHad they abandoned her? There didn't seem to be any sign of them outside. Feeling alone, Nyika turned back towards the fire, the glowing embers casting a more radiant light than was natural but the cat didn't think of the oddity. They were still warm and she sat close by, wrapping her arms about her legs to mope. Why would they leave her like that? She huffed, whiskers drooping, ears pinned back against her head. Such as well. Nobeast ever wanted to keep her around once they found out her inconvenient gift. Zevka hadn't believed it, but now the pine marten was becoming unsure. No wonder she packed her bags and left. No wonder they left her to die alone on this miserable rock. Superstitious or not, nobeast wanted ghosts trailing in their wake and who was there to attract them but Nyika herself?

Ohhh man, teenager much? XD

This post was good, if a little fluffy. I get that there probably wasn't a lot to cover, plot wise, but it still seemed to have a lot of filler. Also, not sure I liked the use of the word "butt." It just seemed out of place. XD

I like how youthful Nyika is, and that she's definitely more her old self now as opposed to her first post. I get the impression that the author is someone a lot closer to Nyika's age than I, or just intentionally trying to sound like a young author. It works, though, either way. Nyika is adorable with just about everyone.

Campfire Colloquy

Can't really do too much of a review, as this was collaborative and I don't know who wrote what, exactly.

Quote"Yeah, but that's like ? bad black smoke. This is to-bac-co. Beasts have smoked it for years."

Well. Technically they won't be smoking it until at least the Redwall equivalent of the 13th century, but... ;)

I have to wonder whether or not Istvan has any fellow followers of the All-Mother. From the way he's treated, it sounds like he's fairly alone in his beliefs.

Um, hmm. I dunno what else to say about it, really. The perspectives jumped around a little, but for the most part it was pretty omniscient. Not a terrible lot happened in it, but it was nice seeing the characters interact some more, I suppose. Here's to hoping the second half of the week has a bit more action in it. :)

Quote from: TNT on July 07, 2013, 02:54:32 AM
A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes - Nyika

Ohhh man, teenager much? XD

This post was good, if a little fluffy. I get that there probably wasn't a lot to cover, plot wise, but it still seemed to have a lot of filler. Also, not sure I liked the use of the word "butt." It just seemed out of place. XD

I like how youthful Nyika is, and that she's definitely more her old self now as opposed to her first post. I get the impression that the author is someone a lot closer to Nyika's age than I, or just intentionally trying to sound like a young author. It works, though, either way. Nyika is adorable with just about everyone.

Aww, I'm glad you liked my post! Most of it was spent tying up loose ends, like resetting Nyika's arm and doing a little bit of resolution from all the deaths of the landslide, so that might be why it felt like it had a lot of filler. Still, I like to think that I did a good bit of character development for Nyika, so I'm sorry, but could I ask what you felt was filler to me? I'd like to know if I rambled too long in a section or wrote some unnecessary stuff, like what Stonewall mentioned concerning the beginning of my first post.

Also, what does it mean to be a "young author"? Does it mean inexperienced? 3: Or more like a writer with a Young Adult style of writing? :3

Thanks again for taking the time to write reviews!

I dunno, the post mostly consisted of the dream and batting at Noonahootin. Those scenes were nice, but they didn't really move the plot forward, so to speak. But like I said, you had a bit of a stagnant spot in the posting, where they're all going to bed, so I can't really blame you for writing some cute fluffy stuff. (EDIT: Not that the dream was cute and fluffy, but you know what I mean. XD)

In terms of the young author comment...I dunno. It's just a feeling in your writing, a youthful feeling, and your word selections sometimes. Yes, like "butt." XP It doesn't mean inexperienced at all! Your writing is very good. And if you ARE a lot younger than me, then I'm doubly impressed. It was just a vague observation, really. I didn't mean any sort of criticism by it! :)

I don't really see this post as being filler. A lot of the magic in these contests comes in little things. Watching characters build relationships and seeing them grow and develop. Yes, they didn't progress any further toward Carrigul or come across anything groundbreaking, but it was still fun to read and made me like these characters even more than I did before. Maybe it's just me, but one thing I wanted to see in this contest was a return to this kind of simplicity. No grand schemes or plots or political intrigue or wars - just 9 random creatures learning to work together to survive in and escape from a harsh environment.

Oh, I want that too. I don't mean action in huge political plots, but just. Momentum. Giving off a strong vibe that the story is headed somewhere. You can do that AND have character interaction at the same time. That's all. And again, not blaming Nyika really, because she had kind of a sluggish time slot to begin with. A lot of sitting around doing nothing. That was inevitable. It was still a cute and good post, even though it didn't have a tremendous amount of momentum to it.

Some brief reviews for the rest of the week (and I apologize in advance because my tummy hurts and I have a slight fever, so my brain don't work too goodly):

For the Birds - Noonahootin

Noonahootin's cute, and a devoted captain, but I'm not seeing a lot more than that yet. It is only week one, of course, so you still have tons and tons of time to develop him. Liked hearing he was a father though, but it almost seemed like something added last minute. Unless I missed something (which is totally possible), why hasn't he mentioned them until now, when they've been in a life-threatening situation? My thoughts would be all over my family. Maybe that's just how Nooners is though? I dunno. Your second post felt a little longer than it actually was. Can't really put my finger on it. I think it's something to do with pacing issues.


Hots On For Nowhere - Risk

Okay, I get it. Risk is a total horndog. It was funny at first, but I don't need to be beaten over the head with it. Especially when it's interspecies. Eww cooties. :P

Still, vermin party!! This was a lot of fun. I like how their trio interacts a lot.


Aaaand nap break. Zzz.

Pascal's Wager - Zevka

QuoteAfter the group received the unfortunate news about the wagons, Poko's stomach growled expressively, Vanessa swore quietly and Nyika looked even more forlorn than she had been.

Right off the bat, one too many adverbs. To me, "expressively" doesn't really add anything, and I'm trying to figure out how a kid's stomach growling just as they found out about the food situation WOULDN'T be expressive, so. Yeah.

I really enjoyed this post a lot more than the first one. Only part I didn't care for was the drawn out religious debate. It reminded me way too much of Facebook, and I see far too much of that on a day to day basis already, thanks. XP

Ah, my fair Tara, I know exactly how you feel about the length. There was so much to cram into that post of mine, yet at the same time I felt like I was floating when I wrote it. It wasn't easy, but with enough work I think I did all I could to do all I needed to. I certainly hope I get more time to develop the ol' Captain; there's quite a bit I'd like to explore with him, haha!

Oddly enough, I knew since I wrote his application that Captain Noonahootin was a pappa. He's always had this...hm, air about him, I suppose, that makes him feel fatherly when I write. Funny you felt that was last-minute when I had it planned since the start, hahaha! Perhaps some more history will make it seem more natural! : )

Ah, okay. I suppose that not everyone reacts to tragedy the same way, so I guess it's not so far-fetched that his family hasn't been on his mind. I just thought it seemed a little out of place, but I am excited to see where Noonahootin (and all the characters...well, minus one soon, womp-womp ;_;) are headed. Again, it's hard to do reviews so early on when you have so little to make your decision with! As of right now, with only a few posts to read, still have no idea who I'm voting for. XP

It's tragic, really. Behind the scenes, we all get along so nicely! This competition is proving more sad than others simply because we all work so well together. ALAS!

Tragic, yes, but the All-Mother demands BLOOD!!! LOTS OF BLOOD!!! Mwahahah!!! :P


The Snow Queen - Gashrock

One of my favorite opening lines of any post I've ever read. You sucked me right into this post and I enjoyed every bit of it, even though it was mostly dialogue. I felt so bad for poor Gashy at the end.

QuoteWe start off with a brother and sister named Hans and Greta. They are definitely not father and daughter, on account of I don't want Poko to break down and break the fourth wall. I dunno exactly what that is. But it's bad luck to break it, so.

Unless you're Sycamore, of course. Then it's weirder if you don't. :P

One small nitpick: when starting a new paragraph during dialogue, you need quotation marks at the beginning of the paragraph. So, like with the quotation above, you'd need quotation marks before "We".

QuoteOh well. It was worth a shot. As it were.

Ba-dum-tssh.


If a Tree Falls in the Forest... - Poko

I liked this post a great deal more than your first. Poko is basically every bratty girl I went to middle school with. I really like the rivalry with Nyika, but it sometimes borderlines on making her look dumber than she is (er, not that she's dumb, but you know what I mean?). Unless Poko is just an unreliable narrator sometimes. Am I supposed to want to side with Nyika? Because I usually do.

Quote?Phew! Anybeast get nailed? If not ? are there any volunteers?? He sniggered at his joke but Poko didn?t seem to grasp the innuendo.

This was a bit of an awkward and jarring POV switch. Unless Poko somehow knows it was an innuendo but just didn't get how it was?


Up Jumped the Devil - Goragula

Dear Goragula,

You are evil. I love you. Keep doing exactly what you're doing.

All the feels,
Tara


That Which Does Not Live Can Never Die - Istvan

Quoteor a stupid fox,

Like Sootpaws!! <3

Bingo. This was exactly what I was hoping for. I have a much better picture of Istvan now, and I kind of feel sorry for the guy. He was getting kind of annoying from his portrayal in others' posts, and I was beginning to think he was a bit of a one trick pony. Thanks for proving me wrong! :)


Fire and Ice - Vanessa

Another enjoyable, (mostly) light-hearted post. It's almost a shame this one is last, since it's going to be such a weird juxtaposition with the death post to follow. I really liked the moment toward the end, where Nessa seriously contemplated letting Istvan drown. That's going to change their relationship for sure.

Oooh, relationship... ;)

bow chicka bow wow

Okay, sooo. I have absolutely no idea who to vote for. I'm obviously not gonna say who it is anyway, but the best I can do is separate you into two roughly equal groups: the safe, and the not as safe. These are just in alphabetical order, mind, because I like alphabetizing things.

Safe:
Gashrock
Goragula
Risk
Vanessa

Not As Safe:
Istvan
Noonahootin
Nyika
Poko
Zevka


I cannot stress this enough: I don't dislike anyone. This vote is going to be very hard. I don't think a first week vote has ever been this hard, in all the contests I've ever been involved in. You guys are all doing really great. This story is fantastic so far. I have a lot to ponder...

Istvan x Vanessa OTP FOREV

I know, right?! I have no idea who I'm going to vote for! I was hoping to get my audio readings up before the final vote was cast for week one but that didn't happen and I suck...

I don't even think I -can- vote, it's so close! Nobody really stands out as needing the boot. : /

Quote from: foxpen on July 10, 2013, 11:36:52 PM
bow chicka bow wow

Brown chicken brown cow! :P

Quote from: TNT on July 10, 2013, 11:38:59 PM
Not As Safe:
Istvan
Noonahootin
Nyika
Poko
Zevka

Istvan, Noony, Ika and Zev...we have a new theme song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yK0P1Bk8Cx4

And now this is begging to be watched. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k3-zaTr6OUo) :D

I will be singing that song for the next four hours, non-stop.

Quote from: TNT on July 10, 2013, 11:28:52 PM
Up Jumped the Devil - Goragula

Dear Goragula,

You are evil. I love you. Keep doing exactly what you're doing.

All the feels,
Tara

No, you're wrong. I'M JUST MISUNDERSTOOD. :goragula:

Wrexsoul (http://finalfantasy.wikia.com/wiki/Wrexsoul)!! That's what Wrexholm reminds me of. That was bugging me. Sorry, random. XD

Just keep telling yourself that, Toadfather. **pats** :)

Tara! I know you've been working on other things but have you gotten a chance to read our posts? We'd love to hear your thoughts!

Yep, I'm all caught up. I just wanted to make sure I finished my more pressing writing for this before I went back to reviews. Don't worry, they're coming soon. :)

Frozen Flame - Nyika

I couldn't put my finger on it before, but there was something about Nyika that rubbed me the wrong way a bit. With this post, I've figured it out. She always seems to be the one who gets into a dangerous position and has to be saved by someone else. Mind you, I know people in real life who are this helpless, but she reads more like a 12-year-old lately. And I don't know how I feel about it always being Nyika needing saving, either. Seems a bit...needy for attention on the author's part. I don't know! Maybe that's just always how the plotting ends up.

Also...I found her sudden moment of all-knowingness at the end to be a bit twinkish. The "she was just sneaking around" bit in Goragula's post, while it was nice of him to try and cover that, didn't really make sense to me. It felt a lot like an afterthought, even if it wasn't meant to be. These creatures are all traveling together, clearly suspicious of each other...I just don't see them blurting out these huuuuuuge secrets that their lives are kind of dependent upon.

Quote"Your mother was a dirty, filthy whore," Nyika said.

"Be quiet," growled Cookie.

Poko's face twisted as she rose to her feet, her body rigid and fangs bared. "You take that back."

Nyika turned to the ferret, lolling her head to hang at its side. "Oh, you don't believe me? Let me consult my crystal ball." Scooping a pawful of snow from the ground Nyika held it out before her, peering with intensity at the misshapen mass.

"Nyika," Zevka hissed. "Don't you dare."

Ignoring the pine marten's warning, Nyika pressed on. "I see ... I see a ferretmaid, a dancer in her prime. But what's this? Her mate has turned away from her. A new ferretmaid has caught his eye, younger and prettier, and he'd much rather play and tussle with her than spend time in the sheets with his aging mate."

Wouldn't that make her father the dirty, filthy whore? :P

Anyway, I'm sorry, but this post just wasn't really my cup of tea. Nyika seems to be stagnating. Her key role in this story so far seems to be getting hurt, being saved by the others, and having seer abilities when it's convenient. If she makes it to week three, I really want to see her branch out and maybe do the saving next time, rather than having to be saved.

Sorry, so much negative! I do really like your descriptions sometimes, and I thought it was funny when Risk flicked her nose. Like some people do with their pets. XP


The Righteous and the Wicked - Goragula

QuoteShe?d know he would tear out her tongue with his own claws if he had to.

Err...claws? I'm fine with referring to his front legs as paws or hands, doesn't matter to me, but...toads def cannot haz clawz. ;)

Fiiiinally, someone who reacts to Istvan in a way other than, "LOL what a silly religious kook." I like the factions that are already starting to form. It's adding a lot of good tension to the story. Depending on voting, things could get very...awkward. At some point.

Anyway, I already touched on the random "btw there was someone eavesdropping" bit in Nyika's review, so...Otherwise, another solid post from Mr. Toad....Can you please name one of your posts "Mr. Toad's Wild Post"? I'll love you FOREVER. :P


In My Time of Dying, In the Evening, In the Light - Risk

Well, color me flummoxed. I really wasn't expecting you this week. Either the "action movie hero" stereotype was too much for people, or it's the curse of the funny character going first, or people were voting strategically and wanted to see the strongest character (physically) taken out first to make the story more interesting, or just...maybe the vote was too hard that everyone chose at random and enough people just happened to choose you. I really don't know! And you still won Best Overall Post in the secondary awards, which makes this outcome even more confusing! Huh. Your humor will be sorely missed.

Quote"Hey, hey, hey, rainy face! Hey, proud warrior. Let the sun come out, you big bad hordebeast. You know, kitten, we all have permission to make mistakes. It's called learnin'."

I STILL DON'T KNOW HOW TO FEEL ABOUT THE HOT SHOTS!: PART DEUX REFERENCE THOUGH. TBH. :P

This post was fairly long, but it didn't really feel like it. It was good read. You did a great job of wrapping up Risk's character, and I felt like it built up a lot of tension and sadness all throughout, even with all the humor mixed in. It was a fitting end, a fighter going down fighting. I guess that's all I really have to say! Great job.


Interlude: Hope Still Flies - Tara

Worst. Post. Ever.

I'm totally voting for--oh.

Awww, poor Nyika ... It's not good when she's in a position of danger and weakness all the time, but then when she shows her inner power and strength, now she's a twink? Twink is a pretty harsh accusation for something that's not that bad - the knowledge of two fairly renown figures. I've been thinking about this lately.

Nyika could have made educated guesses based on prior knowledge and observation, and they reacted to them all the same. She's been shown as being clever, good at observing and reading others. Another theory is that she can see and hear the ghosts that surround Goragula and Risk. But does that make her twinkish? No, I don't think so. She knows, but she can't do anything about it, not even come outright and accuse Goragula to the others. Even if her power of foresight is real, the only ones close to believing her are Istvan, Zevka, and possibly Noonahootin. She could have also just potentially put herself in a lot of danger.  Nyika walks a thin tightrope between power and helplessnes.

And she blurted it out because she was angry and lashed out and wasn't thinking.

QuoteIt was too late now; the wildcat's temper had run away from her, taking control of her tongue and leaving her mind to watch in horrified awe at the destructive wake that followed.

At any rate, I'm sure it will be explained. The way I saw it, the addition in Goragula's post was not a last minute thing or a coverup, but further proof that this was meant to happen and we'll be hearing more on it later.

Sorry, that was kind of a rant there, but it's just because I love Nyika! And I loved her post. It showed that she's NOT the pushover kitten that everybody was treating her as.

That's not what I meant. It all just seemed so...convenient. For her to know their identities. If they had all been talking about someone snooping around, why is this only surfacing now? Unless I've just missed it, until now there hasn't been any mention of someone eavesdropping on everyone. Even Goragula, in his post, was wondering the same thing. I guess it was meant to make Risk's departure easier? But I dunno. I just think there could have been far more...organic ways for his name to come out.

I don't think she's a PUSHOVER, per se, but she just seems to constantly be a Damsel in Distress. I LIKE the moments when she's a mopey teenager feeling sorry for herself, because that's what a lot of teenagers do. I think she can still do that without purposely putting her into situations that require the others to react with chivalry or pity. Teenagers can overreact a lot. You can still have plenty of theatrics without making the other characters fuss and fawn over her (to be fair, though, there wasn't much fawning going on when she was in "Seer" Mode, but then, she wasn't being saved at the time). Nyika is cute, and (correct me if I'm wrong) I think the author knows that and is making that one of their main selling points of the character. Cute is nice. I like cute. I have no problems with cute. You have adequately established the cute, Nyika! Cute alone probably won't win you a contest, though. 'S all I'm saying. :)

Quote from: TNT on July 22, 2013, 09:09:40 PM
Frozen Flame - Nyika
Also...I found her sudden moment of all-knowingness at the end to be a bit twinkish. The "she was just sneaking around" bit in Goragula's post, while it was nice of him to try and cover that, didn't really make sense to me. It felt a lot like an afterthought, even if it wasn't meant to be. These creatures are all traveling together, clearly suspicious of each other...I just don't see them blurting out these huuuuuuge secrets that their lives are kind of dependent upon.

I know Risk and Balmafula have already responded to this, but I just thought I'd add my two cents here. I just want to defend Nyika!

I didn't put in the thing about Nyika sneaking around as an afterthought - it was something we discussed beforehand, and she asked me to cover it in my post as that it would make the most sense in the story for it to come there. If it came across as last minute and sort of rushed, that that's probably the fault of my writing. I wanted it to be a sort of throwaway comment from Gashrock, because as a character she never seems to get too riled up about anything, but I see in retrospect how it looks like a sort of hasty explanation on my behalf.

Risk already said in 'Hots on For Nowhere' that Gashrock and the rest of the troupe knew who he was, so it's very easy that Nyika could have heard one of them talking about it. As for Goragula, well, obviously he'd never mention who he was to anybody on the trip - but Nyika's a medium. She knows a lot of people who have lost loved ones. And Goragula's responsible for a lot of lost loved ones. The connection is pretty easy to make!

QuoteThe Righteous and the Wicked - Goragula

"She?d know he would tear out her tongue with his own claws if he had to."
Err...claws? I'm fine with referring to his front legs as paws or hands, doesn't matter to me, but...toads def cannot haz clawz. ;)

I'm going to go ahead and defend myself on this one, because after there'd already been one discussion about the whole paws/hands thing (which I thought was nitpicky already, but whatever) I wanted to make sure the next time I did it, I got it right.

Yes, I am aware that toads don't literally have claws. I meant claws to mean his fingers. I'd already said that I was going to use paws from now on to be more Redwally, so 'fingers' would be incongruous with that. I suppose I could have said 'digits' - but ... "He'd tear out her tongue with his own digits?" It sounds awful! That word is so horribly neutral. Not befitting at all for all the gory goodness of tearing out tongues.

"He'd tear out her tongue with his own paws," is just disgustingly cutesy.

I used claws because of the sound and image of it. Claws imply something savage, ugly, and designed for killing. I wanted to emphasize how brutal the act actually is, and I would have used the exact same wording if I were talking about a human character. I guess I could have found another way to phrase it that didn't mention it at all - but really, do I have to spend the entire competition worrying about the wording of the rather inconsequential details of amphibian anatomy? Seriously, does anybody actually care? It's a story about talking animals. Realism has already taken a rather hefty blow.

Gah ... I'm sorry, that sounded so ranty. I really do appreciate that you're reading and especially that you're reviewing! I just don't want to look like I haven't taken on board what people have already said to me, so I wanted to explain it.

I will just say this: Having run six (and a half, technically) contests, written in seven, judged apps in about ten, read and reviewed a good bunch...Yeah, I would say I know a little bit about collaborative writing. Let's just say that this was not a good thing to wake up to this morning. Threw my whole day off kilter. No, I do not think you are idiots, either.

The fact is that I can't deal with this kind of response to reviews that I feel I have sugar-coated a LOT to spare feelings. If what you want are all positive comments, and no critiques, I can't give you that. It would be irresponsible to me as a writer. So, if anyone would still like reviews, PM me. I apparently can't review without hitting a nerve and giving off the impression that I'm better than everyone else, so I just won't bother. It'll be easier for us all.

Nooo! Don't stop believing reviewing! We really appreciate you, really we do.

What's the point of reviewing without discussion? Different people have different opinions, and we just want to talk about how we feel. That doesn't mean we're shunning or rejecting you, we just want to discuss different view points. You shouldn't have to feel afraid of saying what you think - but neither should we. It is nothing against you personally. You're awesome! We need reviewers, especially now when the forum has turned eerily quiet. Without reviews we have no idea what anybody's thinking.

Should you give us honest reviews with critiques? Yes. Will we necessarily agree with everything in it? No. Does that make it any less legit? No, it's something we need to hear and discuss in the open. Does it mean we don't respect you? Of course not.

I bring up my points and objections in everyone's review threads. It's because I really enjoy the discussion. I'm passionate about these characters and I want to talk about it. I don't want to shut you down or make you feel bad, and I'm sure nobody else does either.

There's discussion, which is how things were going, which was awesome, and I like that too. And then there's getting jumped on every time I say something not glowingly positive about one character in particular, and feeling like I missed the boat and they're supposed to be my favorite evar too. Case in point: got jumped on last time I reviewed Nyika, and the only even remotely "negative" thing I said was that her post was a little on the fluffy side. Even though I then said that she couldn't help it, given when her post was taking place. I dunno, I just think, y'know, life is starting to imitate art a little too much, if you catch my drift. Nyika's a big girl (or boy, I suppose?). Let her defend herself. Or just take my reviews with a grain of salt and move on, because obviously my opinion is not The Opinion of the Contest. Seeing as how I thought Risk was definitely safe last week, and he wasn't. I'm only one voice. I only have one vote. I don't mind discussing differences of opinion as they arise, but I won't tolerate having words put in my mouth. Nor will I tolerate having to rebut every single review I make to several people, because honestly? I just don't have that kind of time. Or energy. I don't HAVE to review. There is no obligation. I review simply because I want to. I can start or stop any time I like.

I know it's not just Nyika that's brought on a lengthy discussion. She just tends to have the most devoted followers. Which is fine! But I just don't like being made to feel like I've like. Done something wrong by not being 100% in love with her posts. Especially since up until this last post, I rather liked Nyika (and no, I don't hate her). But I was still getting the vibe that I didn't like her ENOUGH. I haven't even read the other posts yet. I don't even know who I'm going to vote for. I just didn't think my one little review was worth the fuss, especially since I was basically asked to please continue. And I'm sorry for putting Nyika on the spot so much right now. It's not your fault.

I will also say this: The problem with these contests as opposed to books is that with books, if you're iffy on a plot point or two, you can wait until you've read the entire book before passing judgment. With these contests, you can't really do that unless you never want to vote. We only get little bits of the story at a time, and we can't read ahead. That's why I feel like you almost need to be a little bit heavy-handed with foreshadowing, so the audience knows for sure that you're going somewhere with something, and to hopefully keep them from voting for you because they want to know more. :P

Anyway, I will keep on reviewing. I'm trying to stay as positive and upbeat as possible, honest! And there are quite a few things I haven't brought up because they're just too nitpicky, I promise. You guys are all really great. Your writing is just. It's all good. Even when I say a post is not my favorite, or I don't like it as much, it doesn't at all mean that it's not written well. But I have to find someone to vote for, as hard as it is. XD

:gashrock: : I ain't much of a beast for talkin' with re-vyu-wers, on account of that one time, with the...well Dewhurst'd remember that night a bit better than me, I reckon. So I just wanted to thank you for stickin' with us, even if I ain't sayin' much, I really am app-reeshitive of yer efforts.

Same goes for the rest of you who are followin' along. Even if yer keepin' yer claps shut, yer at-tenshin's much valued, and I reckon I'm speakin' for the rest of us as well. So thanks again for yer efforts, now and in perpe--perpy--preppy--the future.

Thanks, Gashrock. I hope my reviews can be at least somewhat helpful at times. Mmkay, I'm finally home and semi-coherent, so...have some mini reviews/thoughts on the characters I didn't review yet before next week starts. If you want me to expand, just say so. I just kind of fell behind, and I'm busy this weekend as well, so. Yeah!


Vanessa - You're definitely the dark horse of this competition. You neither steal the show nor fade into the background. Your posts are solidly and consistently good. They don't blow me away, but they're very good. Basically, I think you'll go far.

Noonahootin - Just when I was starting to think we'd seen all we were really going to see of Noonahootin, you surprised me! I just really liked what you did in terms with character relationships this week. I'm looking forward to what else you have in store.

Poko - I think this was definitely your best post so far. I finally got my Istvan/Poko "thievery" scene, and it was very well written and creepy. I do actually agree with carelesswhisper that Poko acts a lot younger than her age, and she put into words a lot of what I was feeling but couldn't really articulate, but writing young characters is hard. And some people out there never do seem to mature much past the age of seven, sadly. :P

Zevka - Like Nooners, I was fairly certain we'd seen all of Zevka that we were going to, and I was pleasantly surprised that she DIDN'T go into Debating Smugly Mode for once. Please please please, more posts like this. I loved the way she and Noonahootin made up. It was very awkward and cute. I like seeing new sides of Zevka.

Gashrock - Oh Gashy, you are one of my favorites, but as good as you are, it's hard to ignore the fact that your last two posts didn't really do much to advance the plot, like others have said. Now, don't get me wrong, "The Snow Queen" was brilliant, and one post here and there that doesn't progress the plot much isn't all bad, because hey, a story's got to have a bit of flavor, doesn't it? But two in a row, I dunno...I know Gashrock's not really the type to be a leader, but just...if you survive the tie-breaker, I want to see her more actively involved. Pretty much what everyone else has said already.

Istvan - I wasn't sure about Istvan at first. I loved his app, but his start in the contest was a wee bit shaky, in my opinion. However, I feel like he's finally picking up momentum, and I like that he's taking a much more active role in the story now, with leading the party into the tunnel and such. I felt like before he was in charge, but much more concerned about doing his own thing with his religion than doing much leading. I feel like you're finally finding a good balance of religious kookiness and being integral to the story.

So...August has been a really busy month for me. On top of that, my job has been unnecessarily stressful of late; sadly, a coworker I've worked with for the last three years even quit, due to the same reasons I have wanted to for several months now...but can't, obviously, because bills, student loans, etc. But it's not all bad! My second job is going very well, for what it is. Selling handmade Sculpey ornaments at a coffee shop on the coast, and I just can't seem to keep the things fully stocked for more than two seconds! Which means a lot of evenings and days off have been spent a-Sculpeying of late. Not super lucrative work, but infinitely more fun and rewarding. :)

ANYWAY. I found a bit of available time and there are some posts up to review. I'm gonna just stick to doing brief thoughts for now, though.

Poko - Your post (and it's been so long since it and the rest were put up I had to go peruse it again to refresh my memory) had great pacing. It felt tense. I still don't agree that people-sized yarn would stop a people-sized bird, unless the harfang is meant to be as small as she is to people...meaning she wouldn't be of a threatening size at all. I don't know, that probably didn't make sense at all, but it makes sense in my head. I guess it depends on how you view relative size in the Redwall world; I imagine beasts and birds as being roughly people-sized, the variances in their species' sizes not as great as they are in our world. Anyway, I'm rambling, and it's not the main point of my review at all and I'm not gonna argue with anyone about it, so blah. It was a unique idea, regardless of its feasibility, and for that I applaud you. Finally, are tone and word choice far more effective in conveying excitement and urgency than a ton of unnecessary punctuation marks??? Yes. :P

Gashrock - As mad as I want to be at the audience for voting you out, I can't really fault them for it. Even the first post this week didn't have much more than dialogue. It was well-written though, so well-written. Your death post had more action, though, so I know you're capable of it. Maybe you just never get good enough opportunities or something. I dunno! Really sad, though. Going to miss your opening lines like crazy. :(

Vanessa - Again, another solid post that didn't floor me, but didn't disappoint me either. Maybe you're just being safe? I don't know. Your posts are good, but somehow not super memorable for me. Not sure why that is. Sorry I can't be more helpful. XP

Nyika - This post started very well, but has raised a host of questions for me. However, I won't bring them up here, because I really don't want to argue again, and there's a good chance I won't find the answers satisfactory anyway. I will say that this post is an improvement on last week's, though. And I hope these questions will be answered in the weeks to come, depending on how the audience votes, of course. Per the author's request, I shall do a more in-depth review via PM.

Zevka - I feel like Zevka's finally starting to develop from something more than a smart-mouthed, has-to-have-the-last-word-in-every-argument-ever marten, which is exactly what I wanted. She broke down and had her best friend turn against her. I liked her vulnerability in this. Like I said to Poko, though, y u use excessive punctuation?!? ;_;

Noonahootin - I'm puzzled as to why a father would condone the killing of a young child, which I guess makes more sense as to why I was surprised to hear he was a father in the first place. Noonahootin's character just feels rather inconsistent at times, but the writing is good. This post felt very slow, though. It spent a whole lot of time dealing with his wing, which just seemed...squicky, for squickiness's sake. It didn't really do it for me, but there's something noble and good about Noonahootin that makes me not want to give up on him so quickly.

Istvan - The plot thickens! Great pacing here. Um. Um. I dunno what else to sayyyy. I like Istvan a lot. I like that he's developing relationships with the others now, and his religion isn't as much of a focal point. I feel sad though, like Goragula is being set up for a perfect death, since he's yet to appear.

Goragula - Can we expect a post from you by the end of voting? I'm going to be really sad if ANOTHER of my favorites goes. I really don't want to vote for you even if you don't post, though. The group needs an antagonist, and I can't imagine you not in the storyyyyyy. ;_;

Oh, and I almost forgot:

Quote"To the left," the ghostly voice told her.

Goragula, you monster! You killed Beyonce!!!

Also, I know they're not technically official story posts or anything (though I really do enjoy the reviews they've been getting! ^^), I'm sorry my interlude is so dinky this week. It was about half of what I wanted to write, but, y'know, life. I shall definitely cover more next week.

So, I'm assuming it's safe to assume that we won't be seeing a post from Graggy this week? Normally that would mean automatic death vote from me, but...I can't do it. I just can't. I can't vote for someone when I've essentially had nothing bad to say about any of their posts. Their body of work overall is strong enough to save them from my wrath, and please please please let it be enough to save them from the rest of the audience! I'm seriously, you guys. Don't kill Graggy. Pleeeease! Or I'll throw my mean cat at your face. :P

OH! ALSO. Are any eliminated contestants going to start any reveal/guessing threads?? I wanna know who you aaaaarrrrre!

Well er. I were gonna wait for Cookie to go first, see, on account of he's been de-seased a bit more. Only he ain't started no thread. Don't want to rush nobeast, so I'll see how things go.

Oh! Right. I didn't reply to this yet. XD

Well, I guessed Risk like ages ago anyway. Like I think before I read the actual app, like just in the basic info. And, okay, I've probably correctly guessed like half of you anyway, but I have no idea who Gashy was. Reveal thread! Reveal thread! Whoop whoop whoop! Risk's had long enough to do his anyway, and I promise I can participate in more than one at once! Pretty please! :P

A'ight. You guys deserve some proper reviews from me this week.

Valley of Shadow - Nyika

Dun dun duuun, Goragula disappears into the earth! Suspense! Danger! And...oh, no, he's okay, and Nyika saves him.

Quote"He has too much honor in him,"

Quote"No, you will not," Nyika said, a little more forcibly than she liked. She softened her tone. "Stay here, with Poko. It is all I ask of you."

I don't understand why Nyika's way of speaking has suddenly gotten super formal. It seems like it's changed a lot from her app. I think I liked her better when she was more petulant and pouty and...teenagery? It's just hard for me to picture a teenager talking like that. Even one that sees dead beasts. I know she's smart and she's been through a lot, but. I dunno. It doesn't quite do it for me.

Also, she's supposed to be really smart, but she doesn't immediately see all the obvious signs that the stoats are dead? It was really sad that the one stoat was pregnant, though. And I like that she does something nice for Poko and kind of patches up their rocky relationship. And what would an abandoned temple be without a nonsensical riddle or two??


Invisible Things are the Only Realities - Noonahootin

QuoteScuffling awkwardly around in his splinted talon, the cracked and uneven flooring of the room caused him to trip and bump into the wall.

That's very passive. Or did the floor come to life and make him trip? ;)

I love that you finally explained why he has such a ridiculous name. That was cute. And the plot thickens with the discovery of the nest! But this is the first in a line of decidedly Nyika-centric posts this week. Nyika is everywhere this week. I have to commend Nyika for playing the game well, at least, even if her posts haven't been my favorite. Working your character into being the focus of a lot of posts is the way to go far in a contest like this, because it makes you integral, and, before too long, if you play your cards just right, indispensable to the plot.

As for this post, arghleblargh, I WANT to love Noonahootin so much. He is such an interesting and endearing character, but for whatever reason, your writing has failed to really pull me in thus far. I don't particularly know why, or what the solution is, either, which is even more frustrating to me. I feel like while I'm being told I should feel all sorts of feels for Noonahootin, I'm not inspired to actually feel them organically. If that makes any sense at all. ;_;


Ugly Hell, Gape Not! - "Goragula"

I don't have toooo much to say about this post, only that I'm sad Goragula couldn't continue on. He was one of my favorites, and I think he easily could've won the whole thing. He was truly evil, and that is becoming such a rarity in these contests! It's also a rare thing when a contestant dies because every other character is out for their blood. It's also a rare thing when I barely have any critiques for a contestant's posts, to the point that even their lack of a post doesn't make me want to vote for them. Such a shame. :\


Jeepers Peepers - Poko

Thank you for dealing with her toe. That has been bothering me ever since Gashrock stitched it. I knew there was no way that was going to heal properly. It was a little thing (literally), but I'm glad you didn't have it magically heal itself.

And we have a new NPC! Takis...Tak...iss? Takos? Tacos? Mmm, tacos. It's a stumbly name, sure, but I like the character as he's been shaped throughout the week. He's definitely not flat and boring.

Quote?Ah wouldnae sae we dae. Nae any who Ah?d troost tae ken wot tae dae.?

I'm going to go out on a limb and guess you did not read Vanessa's lines out loud to yourself when writing them. It's okay, accents are hard. ^^

QuoteTakis leaned over and studied Poko?s toe. Unlike the stoats in their white wintery coats, Poko?s fur was thick and black. Takis wondered if such colors as green or red would be visible, but as he parted the fur carefully he saw the ferret?s skin was actually pink beneath.

Oopsie, another random POV switch.

QuoteThe two young weasel-types

So like...mustelids?

In general, though, I like the direction Poko is going. She's really starting to show serious depth as a character. Keep up the good work! :)


Discoveries - Zevka

More Nyika screen time, being crazy and weird, as is becoming the norm. XD

Also, surprise, Nyika has a connection with another contestant, as she maybe is maybe isn't but obviously is Mekad's sister. Nyika, gwurl, you did this thang right.

Unfortunately, I wasn't fond of the direction Zevka took this week. She became strangely sappy and sentimental and just...not at all like her formal self. I was happy when you toned down her snark and argumentative nature, but I feel like you've almost gone too far in the other direction. You had a good balance going before!

QuoteDammit, Nessa! Either one of us could die out here at any moment! There isn't any time for this! The marteness had wanted to scream at the otter. I'm sorry about Gypsumfur, I'm sorry about what I said about culling the moles, I'm sorry about all of it! Will you please just be my friend again?

Quote"Because you're my friend, Nyika, and I'm worried about you."

Quote"Poko, please don't ever change. The world has more than enough beasts like me in it. It could use more like you."

"What do you mean?" Poko asked.

"What I mean is that I've spent a lot of my life trying to be some kind of big power player -- either the adviser to a major warlord, or a rich puller of strings. And if that meant a life full of plotting and violence, then so be it." The marteness looked pensive for a bit. "But being out here, where any of us could die at any moment, is making me realize that maybe that's not what I really want out of life after all. I'm sick of beasts trying to kill me -- I don't intend to get out of this mess only to have some future rival stick a knife between my ribs over the fact that he wants to be on top of the hill, and I'm in the way."

The marteness pulled a wry face. "Oh, don't worry, I'm not looking to run off and become a farmer anytime soon. If there's one thing I've learned about this world, it's that you can never take it for granted that nobeast is going to try to kill you, or take what belongs to you and yours, and if you aren't strong enough to stop them, then you have to just suffer through it. But...I think there's something to be said for caring more about being happy than being the strongest or the most powerful.

So, she's sentimental and emotional one moment, and at the end of the post, she's back to her smirky, snarky self. I liked her way of solving the riddle, as it's proooobably what I would've done in that situation. But I just still feel like I don't really know who Zevka is. I know plenty about her, certainly, but I just don't quite get where she's coming from, what motivates her to act the way she does from one situation to the next. It's kind of the same problem I have with Noonahootin, really. I feel like I'm being told how I should feel about Zevka, but I'm not really feeling it organically. I dunno! But snarky female mustelids always go far, so you're probably safe regardless. XP


Israphael - Istvan

I was pretty surprised that Istvan had zero reverence for the temple, actually.

Hey look, Nyika's in this post in a big way, too! And she's being craaaaazy! And she's Risk's family but she's putting the mark he put on beasts that Risk killed and. Wot? Okay. Sure. So, how 'bout them riddle solvings, then? I'm glad you guys didn't drag out the riddles too much, but they were a fun way to pass the week.

I feel bad because I never have a ton to say about your posts. It's not that I don't enjoy them--I do!--I just plain never have much to say. There's not much that happens that particularly stands out to me. If there's a certain aspect you want me to go over, just ask!


Valkyrie - Vanessa

Quotethe Yew Guard slipped from shadow to shadow like an invisible breeze.

QuoteCarefully, Nessa spat on her paws and scaled the rock nimbly, settling herself into a little hollow at the top. She almost sniggered at the ermine carrying on below her, completely unaware of her presence.

QuoteBefore they could draw arms, before they could even shout, the ottermaid was among them like a vengeful whirlwind

QuoteThey took one look at the snarling face, clenching paws, and blood-suffused eyes of the dreadful apparition before them and fled as one beast.

QuoteBut Nessa was unstoppable,

QuoteRight besides her, a geyser sprung to life- she was gone before the boiling water could even fall. She didn?t even notice when her paws slapped across a sinkhole, so quickly the oozing mud did not even have time to stick.

Am I correct in assuming that you went way overboard with these stock unbeatable warrior phrases to heavily contrast the end of the post, where Vanessa loses her paw and thinks she's lost the ability to fight? (There's always hooks, though. Just sayin'. :P) Because if not, hoh boy did it feel a bit over the top, to me at least. I guess your posts have felt pretty canon so far, though, and dear Mr. Jacques (may he rest in peace) did love him some unstoppable warriors. So I guess in that regard, it's consistent with canon. I still felt like it was a little much.

QuoteThe ermine went like the wind, their white fur blending in maddeningly with the snow all around.

How does fur blend maddeningly? Was it angrily as white as the snow? Was it matching the exact shade with a vengeance?

...Or did you mean to say that their fur was blending with the snow, and that that fact (perfectly benign and emotionless on its own) caused Vanessa to be angry? ;)

Yeah, if Nessa is losing body parts for Zevka...well.

**SHIP SHIP SHIP SHIP SHIP**

But seriously, I don't know if I'd give my hand for someone I'd only known for like. A few weeks? Correct me if I'm wrong there. It seemed a little excessive and not in character. Vanessa, to me, is someone who MEANS well but in the end tends to live a bit selfishly. Well, no, a LOT selfishly. I mean, I LIKE that this is going to make her turn a major corner in terms of how she defines herself and her sense of self worth (like seriously, that is risky and AWESOME and I applaud you for taking the risk), but I think it might have just made more sense to have her lose it in combat or something. I dunno! This whole post felt a little...off. Plus, there were a lot of sloppy SPAG errors. It just didn't feel like as much care went into this post as your previous ones, which I have really enjoyed.

Quote?I command the water of the earth, as the ones of old used  Come forth!?

QuoteIt was Poko but Nessa had only a glimpse of the young ferret?s wide-open and anguished eyes before the little thief curled herself back into a tight ball.

QuoteThe others did not wake: Noonahootin?s ear tufts quivered briefly and Zev?s large tail twitched as did Nyika?s ears but the weight of the day?s nerve-wracking trek lay heavily on everybeast?s slumber.

Oh, and some thoughts on the overall week, too. That might be nice. Overall, I liked it! I thought it was paced well, and since I know soooooooooome of the big secrets to come, I really enjoyed the riddles and the temple. It really adds to Carrigul's nastiness. I thought just about everyone had some major development this week. Even if I don't always say it, I really am enjoying the story. Voting has consistently been a tough decision every single week. There's never been a week where I've finished reading and immediately said, "Welp, so-and-so is gonna feel my wrath this week." :P

Anyhoo, just couldn't have asked for a better bunch of writers to represent the comeback of survivor contests. Is what I'm really trying to say here. ^^

Yeah, I suck at reviewing. It is true. Plus now, I'm slightly more involved with plotting so it's a little weird. But I guess if even Rara is reviewing now, that is not a valid excuse! Hahah. So have this place-card review in lieu of, y'know, actual ones. Which I will get around to at some point.

Can I Really Be the Hero? - Nyika

I CAN BE YOUR HERO, BABY!
I CAN KISS AWAY THE PAIN!
I WILL STAND BY YOU FOREVER!
YOU CAN TAKE MY BREATH AWAY!

(I'm sorry. I CAN'T NOT SING THAT OBNOXIOUSLY IN MY HEAD WHENEVER I READ THE TITLE. I'M SO SORRYYYY.)

Ooh, what song is this? I had something else in mind when I picked the title.

Just a horrifyingly awful one from my high school days, long, long ago. XD (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=koJlIGDImiU)

Right now I will say as a general, overall review--and please bear in mind that this is coming from someone much closer to the story than the rest of the audience--that Carrigul is kind of...not really what I was imagining. Tikora is pretty vicious, but I guess I'm just a little miffed that this savage council of leaders I had envisioned are actually a bunch of snooty, religious aristocrats who eat such froofy, not savage dishes as smoked salmon.

Also, there's the sheer scale of the architecture, and I believe there was a mention of ruins or older buildings in there somewhere, when my first prologue, right near the beginning, says:

QuoteHowever, several seasons ago, as if from nowhere, a mysterious settlement sprang up on the northern side of the mountains.

They've built a whopping great city...and found the time to knock down some of it and rebuild it...not to mention churn out a metric buttload of weaponry...in several seasons?

I dunno, maybe I'm just a little tired of the aristocratic vermin types. One of these days I want a throwback to the books, where the baddies are rough, don't bathe much, and are just. Real bad folks to be around. Don't get me wrong: LOVE the religious angle. It's awesome. It's new. It's believable. Not liking the High Church, Pope Tikora I attitude as much though.

Real, actual reviews and one last interlude coming soon, honest.

Tara!! Aside from mysterious Carrigul sproutings and religious monarchies aside, have you been enjoying the conflict and direction and character growth, at least?

There are ruins in Carrigul, but it's possible that these ruins were already there and Carrigul was built on top of them, rather than construction beasts finding the time to knock buildings down and rebuild them. The ermine settlement was on top of the mountains; I don't think it's too far-fetched for another settlement to settle below.

I have. I think this is still one of the most cohesively plotted and entertaining stories the survivor contest scene has seen in a long time. I am enjoying the story, even if I've been kind of quiet lately. Still no idea who I'm going to vote for. It might honestly come down to picking at random if I can't make my mind up soon. XD

In light of the secondary awards, I'd like to dole out a few special "awards" of my own. But first, let me say what an honor it was to be able to (sort of) write alongside the contestants. The interludes did not cover everything I had wanted, due to switching jobs and just being generally busy. But I'm still glad I had a chance to write them. When the cast was first chosen, I was thinking, oh man, this cast is amazing, I don't need to write with them, I'll just detract from whatever awesomeness they come up with. But when they told me they'd prefer for me to write interludes covering a little more of the political side of things so they could focus on more of the character interactions, I, of course, obliged. Again, I just wish I could've been less busy and covered more, but they picked up my slack wonderfully. Though we didn't always see plot ideas eye to eye, they're easily one of the easiest bunch of people to work with. And they have had a bunch of wonderful ideas!

TL;DR: I like you guys. :)


And now, the awards. First....


The Torry Steggims Award

This award goes to Nyika, and it is simply because she played the game brilliantly. Torry Steggims of QBIII was notorious for making himself indispensable to the plot to the point that it would essentially destroy the story were he to be killed. Nyika, while she did not go as far as making herself the "chosen one" or what have you, was frequently not just mentioned in, but arguably the focal point of other contestants' posts. While I didn't always care for the direction in which she took her character, I can't fault her for her keen ability to intertwine her character so strongly into the plot that killing her probably would have left a gaping hole in it. While I don't believe she was necessarily the strongest writer in the contest, she most definitely played her cards the best. And for that reason, I believe she deserves the win.

(Now if it turns out Nyika was written by Falar, too, that will be amusing.)


The 180 Award

This award goes to Poko. I was really not fond of Poko to begin with, because I thought she was essentially a bratty Mary-Sue who'd probably be the first casualty (though, for the record, I'm pretty sure I never actually death voted her even once). However, as the weeks went by and Poko, to my surprise, kept not dying, she really grew on me. Also, Poko was easily the most improved of the entire contest. I always appreciated her desire for feedback, and the way her writing improved by leaps and bounds, which showed her applying said feedback. Poko evolved from a brat into something I'd never expected: the young, selfless hero who dies tragically. I was so disappointed that she didn't make the top three. So in short, this award is mostly me being glad that I wasn't the one choosing the entirety of the top nine, because I would have deprived the story of Poko, and that would have been sad indeed. Job well done on changing my mind about you, little sprite. Job well done.


The Most Potential Award

This award goes to Risk. Never, ever, ever would've guessed he'd be the first to die in a million years. Still have not even an inkling of a clue as to why. The audience giveth Poko, but taketh away Risk, I guess. **sigh** Risk may not have been my personal favorite character, but I feel like he had so much potential, and the story missed out on a lot of humor because of his early departure. Risk was easily the most humorous character, and his posts were some of the most entertaining to read. I guess now we'll never know how many more oiled substances would have come into contact with that hypothetical vixen's thighs...


The Definitely Not the Diet Coke of Evil Award

Goragula. One of the best truly evil characters the contest scene has seen in a good while. I never had anything bad to say about any of your posts, ever, which is pretty miraculous due to my nitpicky nature. Whatever circumstance kept you from posting in your last week, I kind of want to hurt it. Because you were amazing, and I think the story actually lacked a strong villainy presence after you left. With Carrigul still off in the distance, it was nice to have a foreboding presence right there in the thick of things, not just being talked about.


The Mr. Consistent Award

This goes to Istvan, because while being most improved or having posts that I don't nitpick are both impressive feats, there is also something to be said of consistency. I never felt like Istvan changed a lot throughout the course of the story, but there was something comforting in that. No matter what happened in the week, I was always guaranteed a solid post from our resident cultist otter. Obviously the rest of the audience appreciated your consistency as well, as you glided into the end zone with nary an audience member trying to tackle you. Also, I suck at analogies.


The Feathery Ball of Cute Award

Noonahootin. Well, obviously, as he's the only one with feathers. But anyway, besides that one really gory post with the wing surgery, Noonahootin's posts always had little cute, touching moments thrown in that made me smile, like Nooners with Poko/Nyika, or with his grandbabies. In such a tragic story, it's nice to have moments like that. Nooners was really a big ol' softie at heart. And his name still makes me chuckle. :P


The Witty Witty Princess Award

Sorry, Gashrock, I suck at naming awards, but you get this one, because, as I've said, you had some of the best opening lines of posts I've ever read. "The Snow Queen" is still amongst my favorite posts of the contest, and while your bare-bones style may not have suited itself to this particular type of writing environment, which, as I recall, was your ultimate downfall, I would love to read a book about Gashrock.


The Snarkvana Award

So, okay, hear me out, Zevka. It's a weird award name, but what I loved most about Zevka was that she was able to balance her snark, which in the beginning could be overpowering and kind of annoying. I didn't appreciate that she was able to verbally best everyone in the beginning, and that that seemed to be her biggest character trait. I loved that you were able to tone down the snark and to bring out other characteristics in her, such as her motherly side and her somewhat geeky tendencies. You achieved ultimate snark balance, or snarkvana. Congrats on making it to the end!


The BOOM! Goes the Canon Award

Vanessa gets this one, for easily having the most canonical feeling posts of the contest. Sometimes we get so caught up in finding our own styles and being different and edgy that we kind of start to forget the source material for this world. Vanessa had pretty much everything a Redwall heroine would have: a tragic past, a desire to fight (sometimes unrealistic numbers of enemies) for justice, and a fierce loyalty to her friends. But all the while, it never felt like something forced or cookie-cutter. Vanessa was a strong character with interesting flaws, and her posts were always reminiscent of something Redwallian.