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COMING SOON TO A THREAD NEAR YOU

Since I haven't read anything forever, and I'm still bummed I never got an app together (I had the coolest idea) I have finally given my last sigh and decided that maybe I should read the cool stuff that other people write for once. 

Not that I'm not still bummed.  I mean, seriously, guys, he - she - IT - was awesome. 

So I guess consider this a placeholder.

Hi Carelesswhisper! We're so happy to see you! What was your app about? May I ask, or are you going to save him/her/it for another contest?

Poko - The Fall

I hate to say this, but I felt like the sole purpose of this chapter was "get rid of the parents".  I mean, I totally get that it's hard to operate a non-orphaned child character because it's impossible to be independent without physically or emotionally absent parents, but still.  I was interested to see how the family dynamic would develop within the story, given that it's challenging to keep NPCs involved.  Alas. 

The writing was pretty solid, I felt, though my attention wandered a little.  I think you could probably take it up a notch by engaging the reader a bit more, but it's hard for me to put my finger on what exactly I think could change to acheive that.  I will come back and reread when I have NOT just consumed the equivalent amount of caffeine to four cups of tea.

I am saving... it, but I suppose I could go so far as to say that it was a vermin in the acting troupe with an interesting relationship with the leader.  :P

The Fall - Review Part Two!

So I figured it out.  There is quite a bit of summarizing and telling (as opposed to "showing") here.  An example: 

QuotePoko remembered her mother?s hard words. Her father had defended her ? like always. Poko specialized in finding trouble, it seemed, and her father was always making excuses for her. Her mother was afraid of being thrown out in the streets again after all her hard work. Pyracantha appeared sympathetic enough, but nothing should be taken for granted. Her father made light of the matter in front of Poko, but she could tell he was concerned as well. Their livelihood depended on the vixen?s favor. They were lucky to be a part of the traveling show at all. Poko credited their fortune largely to her mother?s beautiful dancing ability. She herself had not inherited that enviable grace.

There is nothing wrong with this passage.  But there is so much  more you could do here; you could have flashed back to the argument between her father and mother, and I wouldn't have minded a little more elaboration on the whole being *back* on the streets bit (I should note that I haven't read the apps, so if I'm just being stupid and missing something that was already covered, apologies.)  I also understand that you're trying to stay in the perspective of a child, so excessive attention to detail isn't always very easy or beneficial to include, but anything you can do to make Poko more attention-grabbing would be a plus for me. 

Nyika - Death on the Snowfield

QuoteDispelling such unnerving thoughts, Nyika turned her attention to Zevka, leaning over her serene features and resting her paw against the pine marten's cheek. Beasts always were the most peaceful in sleep and death. Nyika almost considered them one and the same, the only difference being that death was a sleep in which one would never wake. She didn't want to disturb her. Zevka seemed so peaceful, but they needed to move. Something had happened, an avalanche, or something terrible. Already Nyika could hear the dead stirring, the moaning in her ears growing to an unnerving pitch. They had to leave, to survive.

Editing.  I think you could have cut this entire paragraph without negatively impacting the rest of the post.  You make some very obvious statements - "beasts always were the most peaceful in sleep and death" and "death was a sleep in which one would never wake" (and it should be "from which".)  Then we go back and forth - "she didn't want to disturb her.  Zevka seemed so peaceful, but they needed to move."  If you had cut either the first sentence or "Zevka seemed so peaceful" and put the other two statements together, there would be a much better flow there.  Many times in writing, less is more.  In my experience with these contests, you spend a lot of time polishing and editing down your app, using as few words as possible to get your point across.  When it comes to the actual contest, though, there is either no word limit or a much higher one, so it's easy to get a little sloppy and laid back on the trimming process.  I'm not saying that that's what happened here, but I think you could benefit from reading over your chapters and weighing the importance of every word, sentence, and paragraph. 

Quoteshe felt like she was going to sick up.

I would have gone with "throw up" or "be sick".

My real beef with Nyika is that - and I'm assuming that she's seen dead people since she was a kit - I think someone her age would have either gone crazy by now, or somewhat learned to emotionally cope.  But, I'm trying to keep in mind that a pretty big catastrophe has just occurred, and she probably hasn't dealt with anything on this scale before.  I just keep getting this vibe that her primary coping mechanism is to try to ignore it all, and that only works for so long. 

All that said, I'm intrigued by the concept and I'm interested to see where you take this.  You can do some really different stuff with her, and that in itself makes her worth keeping around for a while longer.  My main advice to you is to spend a little more time on editing down. 

Personally, I'm glad that Poko didn't include flashbacks in her post. I am not really a fan of flashbacks, though. I think in some cases it's just as bad as telling instead of showing. It's always felt like a device for explaining things as opposed to organic action in the here-and-now. In some cases, they work. For Zevka, I didn't mind so much, but I guess it's because it relates to Zevka and Nyika's relationship. That's kind of wasted when the other party in the flashback just ends up dying immediately. Still, I'd rather see what's happening now as opposed to earlier, even if it means explaining a little instead of showing.

To be honest, if anything I would have criticized that post for being really short. But... losing your parents is kind of a big deal so it's not like nothing happened. I know what you mean about the parents staying alive thing; that's what I said earlier. Buuut it's a moot point by now, and I still feel it was probably a smart decision in the long run. Along with that, the Campfire Colloquy and her second post won me over toward her (even if she is a little brat! So mean to poor Nyika.)

Also, in regards to Nyika's post, I've heard people use sick up before so it doesn't seem that weird to me.

Zevka - At the Mountains of Madness

I felt that all of the interruptions to tell us what tone of voice she was using while reading the letter were unnecessary.  I know that so much of the time, you have this perfect clear vision of how things play out in your head, and you want to communicate that exact picture, but there are times when letting the reader fill in the blanks works in your favor.  My first read through it was pretty confusing to sort through, but it was quite a bit better the second time through, so keep in mind that I'm a tad slow.  I just felt that the descriptions of her tone didn't do anything to further my understanding of why the letter was unusual.  You could have just as well left it all out and then once she was done reading, have her go over it again to explain what was off. 

I like Zevka a lot.  There's something about her character that draws me in, and I definitely want to see you go on.  The killing of the hare at the end of the post was genius.  I like the flow of your writing.

Quote from: Balmafula on July 08, 2013, 09:48:54 PM
Personally, I'm glad that Poko didn't include flashbacks in her post. I am not really a fan of flashbacks, though. I think in some cases it's just as bad as telling instead of showing. It's always felt like a device for explaining things as opposed to organic action in the here-and-now. In some cases, they work. For Zevka, I didn't mind so much, but I guess it's because it relates to Zevka and Nyika's relationship. That's kind of wasted when the other party in the flashback just ends up dying immediately. Still, I'd rather see what's happening now as opposed to earlier, even if it means explaining a little instead of showing.

I get that.  My feeling was that there was very little explaining at all, I suppose.  I would rather have seen an in-the-moment argument where the drama unfolds and their relationships are shown, even if it took up a little space, because it appears to be pretty important to Poko's character.  As it is, I felt like it got a small mention that didn't quite do it justice.  But, again, I've only read one app so far (Nyika) so I could just be going on about this when it's all been laid out already.

I also hate flashbacks.

Quote from: carelesswhisper on July 08, 2013, 12:44:29 PM
I hate to say this, but I felt like the sole purpose of this chapter was "get rid of the parents".  I mean, I totally get that it's hard to operate a non-orphaned child character because it's impossible to be independent without physically or emotionally absent parents, but still.  I was interested to see how the family dynamic would develop within the story, given that it's challenging to keep NPCs involved.  Alas.   

I wasn't sure I was allowed to bring along NPC characters, to tell you the truth, and pretty much everyone's feedback after the application confirmed that I shouldn't, even if it was allowed. It was important to me for Poko to have a loving family and a strong relationship with at least her father. Her dependence on them was not insignificant. Hence, if I had to do away with them, I wanted it to be a poignant moment. This is going to change her a lot. It also changes how she will interact with the others.

A majority of the beasts that were on this trek were killed, so I did not think it was such a stretch for both of Poko's parents to be killed. Even though they are dead, they played a large role in Poko's life, and others in the Dewhurst caravan knew her parents (Risk and Gashrock), so they are not going to be plowed under and forgotten so quickly. They were not so disposable as you may think.

Yes, the purpose of this post revolved around the loss of Poko's parents, but that's a pretty huge deal to my character, and I didn't want to move on so quickly. She herself is not going to be moving on so quickly, as chipper as she may appear at times.

As for showing the past in a flashback?well I try to avoid using flashbacks. I think they?re kind of a cheat.

I hope that as you read these next posts, you will be content with Poko's relationships (past and present).



And Balma, thank you for the encouraging words.

Pish and tush. Flashbacks can be great, as long as they're not overused and used appropriately.

Also, British people are really weird about the word "sick." I think maybe they just think "vomit" or "puke" isn't PROPER, so "sick" gets used in their place. Sick up is such a weird phrase, though. I don't care if it's correct. Silly Brits and their ultra politeness. Gotta love 'em. :P

Oh dear, I hope I didn't give you the wrong idea Poko.  I LOVE the dynamic you created between her and her parents - that's why I was so surprised and sad to see it changed within the first post of the first week.  I wanted to see it explored to its fullest, and I'm glad to hear that that won't be forgotten simply because they're dead. 

And personally, I love relevant, well written flash backs.  I just get tired of italics. 

Quote from: carelesswhisper on July 09, 2013, 10:23:38 AM
Oh dear, I hope I didn't give you the wrong idea Poko.  I LOVE the dynamic you created between her and her parents - that's why I was so surprised and sad to see it changed within the first post of the first week.  I wanted to see it explored to its fullest, and I'm glad to hear that that won't be forgotten simply because they're dead. 

And personally, I love relevant, well written flash backs.  I just get tired of italics.

Oh yes, I can relate in regards to Italics. And Tara, you're right that a flashback can be alright if it's written well and not over-used. I think they should be kind of a last resort though. Most of Poko's reflection on her parents will be her remembering them and talking about them more than italicized glimpses into a "Pensieve," so to speak (which, as a side note, was a brilliant way J.K. Rowling came up with to get out of using flashbacks).

Glad you liked the dynamic, Carelesswhisper.  I hope you have time to review everyone else as well!

Risk - Misty Mountain Hop

I see promise here.  One thing I kind of missed is a lack of tactile description - there are so many places where you talk about where he is hurt, or how his injury is being further stressed, or how blood is pouring out of him when he strains to move the boulder, but you don't say how any of that actually feels to him.  Just seemed odd to me.  I like the kind of quirky, rarely phased attitude that he has, but I think it can be easy to take that a little too far or use it in place of actual depth of character, so just be on the lookout there. 

I found it interesting when he freaked out over Poko, but I'm also having trouble figuring out how he decides to care about some things and not others.  I guess I'm just interested to see more and get to know him better.

Vanessa - Deal With It and Keep walking

You're walking a fine line with the accent.  I feel like I'm the accent nazi now, but nothing slows me down as much as dialogue that is phonetically spelled out.  At this point, I think you're still fine on that front, but do be careful not to take it too far.  And, and this is the nitpickiest of nitpicks, it bugs me that her accent is included in her thoughts, as most people who speak with an accent do not consider themselves as having one, so inside her head, I feel like it makes more sense for words to be spelled normally.  But I guess now that you've started, just keep it easily understandable.  My rule of thumb is that if I have to read words aloud to know what is being said, it's too much, but that's just personal opinion. 

On the bright side, you have me listening to "Tae The Weaver's Gin Ye Go" so... yay.  :D

I'm curious to find out what has given her such a casual attitude toward vermin.  Granted, it's clear that she has pre-existing relationships with most of the ones she's come across so far, but I'm already getting the sense that everyone except maybe Risk is pretty neutral so far.  And I feel like it's been a while since good old species rivalry was really utilized, so I'm hoping to see some of that down the road.  But, then again, maybe she's just very confident in her ability to look out for herself and isn't scared of any beast, vermin or otherwise. 

Sweet! I'm not the Accent Nazi anymore! I'm freeeee! :D


(I do kind of agree though. XP)

Thank you so much for reviewing, Carelesswhisper! It means a lot to know people are reading your post and taking the time to write on it. If I survive this round, I promise to expand on Nessa's view towards vermin/woodlanders and on her relationship with Zevka. As for the accent... all I will say is that I love accents and I loved Redwall mostly  because of the unique and varied accents which brought the books to life, so you can expect more of the same from me. Hopefully, I'll manage to write it so it doesn't impede reading clarity for anyone. 

Quote from: carelesswhisper on July 08, 2013, 09:11:42 PM
Nyika - Death on the Snowfield

QuoteDispelling such unnerving thoughts, Nyika turned her attention to Zevka, leaning over her serene features and resting her paw against the pine marten's cheek. Beasts always were the most peaceful in sleep and death. Nyika almost considered them one and the same, the only difference being that death was a sleep in which one would never wake. She didn't want to disturb her. Zevka seemed so peaceful, but they needed to move. Something had happened, an avalanche, or something terrible. Already Nyika could hear the dead stirring, the moaning in her ears growing to an unnerving pitch. They had to leave, to survive.

Editing.  I think you could have cut this entire paragraph without negatively impacting the rest of the post.  You make some very obvious statements - "beasts always were the most peaceful in sleep and death" and "death was a sleep in which one would never wake" (and it should be "from which".)  Then we go back and forth - "she didn't want to disturb her.  Zevka seemed so peaceful, but they needed to move."  If you had cut either the first sentence or "Zevka seemed so peaceful" and put the other two statements together, there would be a much better flow there.  Many times in writing, less is more.  In my experience with these contests, you spend a lot of time polishing and editing down your app, using as few words as possible to get your point across.  When it comes to the actual contest, though, there is either no word limit or a much higher one, so it's easy to get a little sloppy and laid back on the trimming process.  I'm not saying that that's what happened here, but I think you could benefit from reading over your chapters and weighing the importance of every word, sentence, and paragraph. 

Hee, Stonewall had the same feedback for me on the same passage.

I'm a terrible editor, and combine that with being naturally long-winded can make for some rambling passages. I can see how and why it wasn't as effective as I hoped. Some rewording of lines would have helped, but I don't think I would have cut the whole thing. I tried to paint a vivid picture of growing tension mixed with the relief of being alive amidst a sudden catastrophe, and I think that passage is important for that. Still, cutting some sentences and rewording others would have produced a better effect, I won't deny that.

QuoteMy real beef with Nyika is that - and I'm assuming that she's seen dead people since she was a kit - I think someone her age would have either gone crazy by now, or somewhat learned to emotionally cope.  But, I'm trying to keep in mind that a pretty big catastrophe has just occurred, and she probably hasn't dealt with anything on this scale before.  I just keep getting this vibe that her primary coping mechanism is to try to ignore it all, and that only works for so long. 

I tried to address that, actually, through this line here: "Never had she seen so much death in one place at one time."

The vibe you got was correct, but only for this post and that's because she simply doesn't know what to do with them all. In my application and in Zevka's flashback she interacts directly with her spirits, so while she can handle her haunts for the most part, this was just too much for her.

QuoteAll that said, I'm intrigued by the concept and I'm interested to see where you take this.  You can do some really different stuff with her, and that in itself makes her worth keeping around for a while longer.  My main advice to you is to spend a little more time on editing down.

Thank you! I will definitely take this advice to heart. It's hard when there's a looming deadline and other writers waiting on you to produce, so it's easy to keep things in from the first draft that need to be tidied or removed completely. You tend to gloss over them or even learn to ignore your gut when something doesn't sit right with you. It's not like the application process where you can mull over something for upwards of a month. You've got a few days, tops, and even with nine other pairs of eyes looking it over for you things will get missed. I'm not complaining or making excuses, just trying to put things into perspective.

Still, I thank you very much for your constructive criticism! Pending future posts from me, I hope to keep them more poised, polished, and gleaming with charm!

It's all a matter of opinion, as I said.  It's been close to 8 years since I wrote anything that was even remotely canon, so sometimes I tend to think of it as a landscape more than a universe.  I can certainly understand where you're coming from, though, I enjoyed writing accents early on in my Redwall exploration. 

Gashrock - Golden Fools

QuoteIf Gashrock had wanted her entire world to jostle up and down on occasion until beasts felt sick to their stomachs, she'd have gone to sea and become a proper sailor.

Seeing some extra words you could cut - "on occasion" doesn't add anything, and to me makes this feel more stilted.  Personally I wouldn't have used "proper" before sailor either, but it does add a little personality to the thought. 

It was slightly confusing to refer to the other characters by their last names.  Admittedly, most of this confusion is due to the fact that I can't stay focused for more than a few minutes at a time, so by the time you were referring to "Blackbriar", I didn't remember if there had been a new character introduced or if I was missing something important, and it wasn't until I got to "Fern" that I realized.  If no one else has said anything, then I think it's safe to assume that this one is my fault. 

Gashrock is definitely growing on me.  It took me a bit, but I'm invested and interested to see how well you do at keeping her involved in the story. 

Nyika:  I certainly know what you mean about the time constraints.  I've written in several of these contests myself, and I can only think of one post that I was as happy with as I was with my applications.  One thing that helped me a lot was to do "prewriting" in my head, so that by the time I got the first draft down, it was more of a second draft already.  It gets both easier and harder as the weeks progress, as there are fewer characters to interact with, but less time in between posts (since there are fewer writers.)  I will try to keep in mind the stress and deadlines that all of you are under, and one of my goals as a reviewer is to comment on the same issue no more than twice (by that point, I assume that the writer in question knows what to work on, and my repeating it won't make that any easier.) 

Goragula - Respect Is Earned, Not Given

QuoteThe hare guard?s uniform was covered in blood, but it would serve its purpose.

They found him a few minute?s walk from where they?d buried Poko?s parents.

Threw me pretty bad.  That first sentence just seems so out of the blue and disconnected from everything else, and I thought Goragula WAS the hare 'til it was stated that he was looking at it. 

QuoteThe hare?s cloak and jacket would be made from a decent quality wool, and that was enough to merit the effort of stripping him.

Ooh, ooh, ooh!  We gots sheeps?  :D  Seriously, though, I've always thought it would make sense to use them in one way or another.  They would be excellent for pulling carts, outside of the whole wool thing, though the size difference would be pretty extreme, even for the smallest breed. 

I'd like to see a tad more action in your chapters (haven't read your other(s) for week one, so scratch that if this has already been seen to) but you surprised me.  I didn't think I would enjoy reading a toad character, and within the first half, you had already gotten me around to your side.  I do feel that you've handicapped yourself to an extent by writing a cold blooded character, but it just makes me more interested to see how you handle it. 

One question:  does he walk on four legs or two?

Quote from: carelesswhisper on July 10, 2013, 04:56:42 PM
Ooh, ooh, ooh!  We gots sheeps?  :D  Seriously, though, I've always thought it would make sense to use them in one way or another.  They would be excellent for pulling carts, outside of the whole wool thing, though the size difference would be pretty extreme, even for the smallest breed. 

Wool can be sheered from many different creatures - not just sheep and goats! Angoras for example: (http://listverse.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/angora-rabbit06.jpg)

Seems a more likely source.
And from the gobs of fur I pulled from my long-haired cat today, I wouldn't be surprised if that could be spun as well.

I never thought of it before, but I kind of like the idea of sheep as beasts of burden XD

Quote from: Vizon on July 10, 2013, 07:40:08 PM

Quote from: carelesswhisper on July 10, 2013, 04:56:42 PM
Ooh, ooh, ooh!  We gots sheeps?  :D  Seriously, though, I've always thought it would make sense to use them in one way or another.  They would be excellent for pulling carts, outside of the whole wool thing, though the size difference would be pretty extreme, even for the smallest breed. 

Wool can be sheered from many different creatures - not just sheep and goats! Angoras for example

So they pack the wool all the way from eastern Europe? Sounds expensive. :P

Quote from: TNT on July 10, 2013, 07:55:54 PM
So they pack the wool all the way from eastern Europe? Sounds expensive. :P

Remember how far silk used to have to come! I'll bet cotton is probably the most frequently used material. Or whatever fibrous plants grow around Europe.

I'm pretty sure this is one of those things Brian Jacques was hoping we would just not think too much about. Along with leather, milk, and cheese. And those horses and pigs from Redwall.

Yeah, but, it's silk. Silk is...silky. Wool is...scratchy. Unless they breed Angora rabbits specifically for wool (before the 18th century, mind) and shipped a bunch of them up to Mossflower like sheep, even though they're sentient beasts with rights and might not WANT to be shipped up, and oh my goodness that gets wrong so fast. We really aren't supposed to think about it. XP

Angora rabbits shed their wool, though.  So they could easily collect it, and sell it themselves.  But that seems kinda weird.  Like hair shirts.  (Used to have an angora and my mum had a couple, they are a PAIN to brush every week.  And their wool is harder to spin than sheep's wool.  But soooo soft and warm.)

Is it actually soft, or is it soft in the way that lying liars say that wool is soft? Can't stand the itchy, scratchy stuff meself. XP

It's probably the softest, cuddliest fiber out there.  I've always hated wool as well (apparently I'm mildly allergic on top of the scratchiness) but angora is amazing.  Also expensive.  :P 

Apologies for the lull, I was freaked out my husband might be dead.  He is not.  And then I was busy.  BUT NOW I RETURN.  So without further ado...

Istvan - Pepper Steak

I am a little skeptical as to how someone as clearly unconventional and by normal standards, insane, has managed to not only secure a position in the guard, but maintain it and advance it in - particularly as he clearly hasn't hidden his nature from his peers.  There's only so much two-faced-ness that can go on before superiors figure out what's up. 

That's really my only comment.  I like your premise, but his position within the story just feels too implausible to me for me to suspend my belief.  If you can get me past it, great; as it is, it completely overwhelms everything else I see in Istvan.

Why do you think he's insane?

I don't mean to sound rude, just curious. I don't see it, so I'm interested in seeing what other people think.

Noonahootin - The Art of Flying in the Snow

I hate that this is my first comment to you, but... recap, already? 

QuoteHe had discovered Istvan conversing with a ferret, the otter?s paws bloodied from slitting the throats of those he had found dead. Forcing himself not to react at all towards the strange religion, Noonahootin had figured that at least Istvan had been doing something he felt productive, even if it was...disturbing to someone who wasn't a fellow practitioner of the doctrine. The otter was strange in his beliefs, sure enough, but had never come across as truly dangerous and so the Captain, as the highest ranking officer left, had given Istvan something even more productive to do in being a leader. In doing so, Noonahootin had chosen to trust Istvan with the lives of the survivors. He deeply hoped that the corporal would not let him down.

I get religious tolerance, and all, but... what?  I just can't figure how Istvan's behavior is accepted.  Even if he hasn't actually hurt anyone in the story proper, it's pretty clear that everyone knows what he believes.  When I was part of a weird religion, the most I could ever do was get employers to give me one day of the weekend off!  Especially when all of this is compared to: 

Quote... the one other male left was a ferret who had been skinning a rat. As resourceful as the ferret appeared, his behaviour was not entirely trustworthy.

It seems to me that skinning a dead beast for the use of its fur makes a lot more sense than slitting a bunch of dead beasts' throats for The Mother.  But since Risk is a ferret, I suppose I can let that one slide. 

I do appreciate the misogynism.  I'm not sure I can explain why, but I do.   

For all the time you spend inside his head at the beginning, I actually felt that I would have appreciated a little more introversion.  There is very little focus on the self in his thoughts; he is almost always entirely focused on others.  I don't have a good sense of how Noon (can I?  please?) really feels about most of what's happening, merely what he *thinks* of it.  And that's probably me being a touchy feely female and silly and gushy, but whatever.  I think a lot of emotion, probably because I've spent so much time wishing I didn't have it.  It's something that's better appreciated when it's explored and exploited. 

It's actually hard for me to picture him in a leader role, but it's early yet.  I think it's a tad hard to *begin* a story with a catastrophe, because you are unable to display your character in their natural day-to-day role; everything is different because of what has happened.  It's harder for me to get a grip on how any of the characters behave on a regular basis because the primary example I have is out of the ordinary. 

Quote from: Balmafula on July 13, 2013, 03:29:48 PM
Why do you think he's insane?

I don't mean to sound rude, just curious. I don't see it, so I'm interested in seeing what other people think.

Well, when I think harder about it, it may be personal bias.  My perspective on religion in real life colors my perspective here; the things that Istvan does (slitting throats of those already dead) seem pointless and crazy.  He also, from what I understood, seems pretty bent on killing everyone he can as the opportunity presents itself.  I find it hard to believe that this is the first he's acted on these impulses. 

Istvan's religion is so radical, and his entire character is so immersed in it, that to me it is comparable to a cult.  I find that in itself intriguing.  However, having unfortunately had experience with a cult, it is virtually impossible to function in the "real" world while still staying true to your beliefs.  Either you are unable to participate in activities that are the social norm, or you are forced to behave in a way that clearly sets you apart - i.e., spilling blood willy nilly. 

As I said, I'm open to Istvan's author changing my mind on him, but as it is, I find his character inconsistent with his role in the story.

See, the thing is that as I see it, Istvan would not go around slitting throats on an average day. Even in his app, he didn't actually kill anybody.  As for his actions in his first post, like you said, it's not much different than Risk cutting up beasts for skins or Zevka killing that hare. I guess more like the latter. But while Zevka does it for more logical reasons, Istvan's intent is more esoteric, and he's even intent on "saving" the creatures who are already dead, which is what makes it less palatable.

As for being allowed in the guard, he addresses it in one of his posts - I forget which - that the Yew Guard does not condone the execution of criminals so normally he doesn't do it. He follows their rules. He is capable of controlling himself. And, in his newest post and Nyika's post, you can see that he feels guilt for what he's done. The tragedy brings out the extreme qualities of all of the characters, and so they wouldn't probably act quite the same in normal circumstances, in civilization.

But he is definitely creepy, and I can understand being weirded out... especially with those circumstances.

Quote from: Balmafula on July 13, 2013, 04:14:17 PM
See, the thing is that as I see it, Istvan would not go around slitting throats on an average day. Even in his app, he didn't actually kill anybody.

It's not explicitly stated that he killed anyone in the app, but for blood to spray out of a wound and make that much of a mess, there's very little chance that the fox actually survived, particularly without the necessary medical know-how to fix that kind of injury.  Regardless of whether he intends to kill, he has a fixation on spilling blood, for reasons that the average beast cannot comprehend.  His only real reason for being on this journey is so that he is more likely to die during the winter - again, something that every other beast considers crazy. 

I know it may not sound genuine, but I really do love the character.  I find him fascinating.  But I need to be convinced of how he fits into his profession.  And, hopefully, as you say, reading the rest of the posts in the week will do that for me.

Nyika - A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes

I have to say, Nyika is a good portrayal of a teenager.  It's not my favorite age range to read, but it will be interesting to see how she matures over the course of the story.

It bothers me that Nyika is so animalistic when no one else is, but only because it can come across as a little weird.  Licking Zevka's tail... animal!animals generally don't like their tails messed with, at least not in my experience, so using it as a primal behavior kinda thing just seemed odd to me.  And then chasing after feathers, I like that you portrayed it as something in her nature rather than something evil, but I still felt like it was treated very casually for something that is unusual in the society that has been created.  It's just a nitpick, though. 

Not going to review the group post, but I have to say that I didn't see why it was needed.  Seemed like a lot of interactions that could have shone just as well in individual posts, considering that nothing major happened.  Not to say there weren't some good, interesting interactions; just that I would rather have not read them all lumped together in one long post. 

I am one of those hypocritical people who doesn't like word limits on posts but still really likes short posts.  So feel free to fwap me when it's needed.

Noonahootin - For The Birds

Good improvement on your first post, and I felt there was much better flow and ease of storytelling.  I'm kind of curious as to why you are further injuring him, as there generally isn't a good reason to handicap your character this early in, and it could come back on you.  I realize that it's necessary to show how hostile the local beasts are against them, but I hope his injuries don't hold him back significantly. 

Risk - Hots On For Nowhere

Please don't take this the wrong way, but I don't think I have much of anything to say.  I think I like Risk.  Sometimes I'm not sure.  There's a certain level of distance - as a reader, I feel like you're keeping me at arms length.  And that's entirely unhelpful, I'm sure. 

Hi carelesswhisper! I hope everything is okay on your side! You've been rather quiet. I hope you are still reading and reviewing! *hopehopehope*

I will be back sometime this week.  When I started reviewing, I was home all day every day with my stepchildren but now they've gone home and I'm back at work, so I usually spend my free time cleaning up after the enormous mess their rooms are or falling asleep while trying to be productive.  :P  Just have to get back into the swing of things and then I'll be back to my usual reviewing. 

And we're back!  I shall attempt to cram as many posts as possible between post office, shopping, and laundry today.  :D 

Zevka - Pascal's Wager

I appreciate how down to earth Zevka is in comparison to... everyone else. 

QuoteIstvan had made his way back towards the four females, and took the opportunity to inject himself into the conversation.

To me, the wording just comes off weird.  I would have used "interject".  And yes, it's just personal opinion, but when I see "inject", I literally think about syringes and needles and tiny otters being pushed through them.  HOWEVER, I do like the implication that his presence is painful and unwanted. 

Gosh, it's really hard for me to read Istvan's bits.  Not because they're badly written, just because they're extremely accurate for what I assume he's trying to portray.  I'm hoping beyond hope that there's some kind of dramatic point where his world falls apart and he realizes he was deceived and led to harm countless beasts along the way. 

So, I like how Zevka looks out for everyone else, but I'm interested to see more of herself come to the forefront.  There are hints and bits and pieces here and there, but the majority of the time, she is consumed with caring for others.  And outside of the bit with Istvan, it doesn't seem to overwhelm her much. 

Gashrock - The Snow Queen

This seemed... really really filler.  Like, I  thought it was good to see how Gashrock will read what she wants to hear into whatever is said, and will try to mindread just to please other beasts, but after an entire post planning a play and wondering how on earth you would make it relevant to the main plot and not just an amusing tidbit that could estrange Gashrock from the story, you end it with her realizing that it is not, in fact, desired.  And then give minimal reaction to that realization. 

I thought it was well written, and I certainly found the humor to be good, but it didn't serve much purpose aside from that. 

Poko - If A Tree falls In The Forest

I think Poko would be a little more enjoyable to dislike if you were less inside her head with the narration.  As it is, even though it's clear that you can see her perspective is unrealistic and skewed, just poking a little fun at it would help immensely.  She's so bratty sometimes that when the narration is bratty as well, it just gets to be too much. 

She also reads as younger than 14 to me, but I'm a horrible judge of average maturity for any given age group.  I see her as being 7 or 8, though.  It seems as though her somewhat dysfunctional upbringing has stunted her emotionally in various ways, and she is completely incapable of empathy (something that is generally starting to kick in by then.) 

Goragula - Up Jumped The Devil

I feel like the placement of this post and Goragula's disappearance could have been handled better.  As it was, to me, he was there, and then he wasn't.  And now he's back!  And now we have recap.  Was there any reason you weren't able to give his perspective on these events when they first happened, or did you all plan to do it this way?  It just seemed like no one even noticed that he was gone, much, outside of the initial realization, so now that he has reappeared, there was a slight, "Oh, yeah, him" vibe. 

All of that aside, I love that his brief disappearance was productive and actually moved the plot along!  There are so many more elements to be explored now, and you did it all very elegantly. 

I continue to be impressed by you.  You have a character that I would not automatically assume to be in a position of control, due to both species and personality, but you have a way of running things without being the beast in charge. 

Istvan - That Which Does Not Live Can Never Die

QuoteMoles. He had been played for a fool by moles. The landslide had not been a judgment of the Mother, but the action of a greedy bunch of tunnel-grubbers. Rather than restoring the balance of life, it had just made everything worse. The beasts in the convoy?s sacrifice was necessary, of course, but the moles had offset all the good of it. A landslide born of the Mother would have been a condemnation of the sins of the beasts in the convoy, but the revelation of its true cause cast that in to doubt. If this was not the will of the Mother, how could he be sure that their deaths were right? Had they really been undeserving? If death was truly so capricious, how could he really know that their death and his life represented the guiding paw of the All-Mother?

I'm a little baffled that he doesn't automatically assume that his goddess is capable of utilizing beasts other than himself to carry out her bidding, though I see he comes around to this later on.  Just seemed a tad odd to me that his faith would be shaken by something that I wouldn't think to be so earthshattering (haha?)

I'm also REALLY interested to find out what on earth kept him from learning how to swim.

Vanessa - Fire And Ice*

Vanessa is growing on me.  If anything, I felt that this post could have been longer; there were some good moments for character building, but it might have been nice to see the story pushed a tad more.  I liked the "bonding" moment with Istvan, and her reactions seem very age appropriate. 



*Just a word of warning, I feel it is my duty to say that those things do NOT feel as good as they might sound, and in fact are more likely to lead to shrieks of pain and cries of "GET IT OFF" than, well, anything else.

Quote from: carelesswhisper on July 25, 2013, 02:37:48 PM
She also reads as younger than 14 to me, but I'm a horrible judge of average maturity for any given age group.  I see her as being 7 or 8, though.  It seems as though her somewhat dysfunctional upbringing has stunted her emotionally in various ways, and she is completely incapable of empathy (something that is generally starting to kick in by then.)

So you're saying you think Poko acts like a first grader? Really? I don't think a 7 or 8-year-old would even be able to follow all of what Zevka says to her about fighting techniques let alone think so deeply about an older teenager being a manipulative evil genius.
The seven-year-olds I know are still playing with toys, Candyland, and hardly ever have real conversations with adults. 14-year olds, on the other hand, are thinking for themselves, yes, and starting to empathize. But if you're convinced someone's a bully or a jerk in the 7th grade, you might not be so quick to empathize with them, or treat them nicely.

I definitely try for "sassy" with Poko, and yeah, she's used to being an only child and getting away with stuff, but she's also trying to learn how to handle herself by herself without any friends or family to back her up. One of my main goals with my post "If a Tree Falls in the Forest" was to show WHY Poko seems to loathe Nyika. Hence her perspective. If you thought someone was using the recent death of someone really close to you to bolster a fraudulent "performance," you might not be so nice to them either.

Does that mean she's a brat?

In my 3rd post Poko does talk through what she's dealing with here. In doing so, she actually does start to empathize somewhat with Nyika, if only because Zevka makes a point to do so despite Nyika's behavior. Poko sees the nobility in this...martyr-like concern for even a cruel beast's well-being.

I have a seven year old, so let me explain:

Poko thinks only in terms of herself.  When others do things she doesn't like, they do it SPECIFICALLY to spite her. 

Quote"Okay," Zevka started off, "just to clarify – talking about it is really not the best way to learn to fight, but I don't see that there' s any other option at the moment and I'd like you to at least learn a few survival techniques. That said, the first rule of self-defense is: It's better to escape than to fight if you don't have to."

Poko frowned up at the marteness, "What? But that's what a coward would do!"

Zevka arched a brow, "It's what a survivor would do. If either of you are in a situation where somebeast is hunting you, it would serve you best to escape rather than try to take them on. Neither of you are very strong, and you probably wouldn't stand much of a chance against a beast that knows how to use a sword, even if you do learn how to hold it properly. There's no substitute for experience."

"But that's exactly why I asked you to teach me to fight!" Poko objected.

Much like a small child, Poko isn't able to grasp/understand Zevka's point here and instead keeps returning to what *she* wants - teach me to fight.  She is not arguing to gain a better understanding of why Zevka is saying crazy things, but is trying to get her way.

Quote"Okay let's try it!" Poko shuffled through the snow to Nyika and seized hold of her wrist, grinning as she sunk her sharp claws into the cat's skin. Nyika yelped and tried to pull away.

I can see a seven year old doing this without question.  A fourteen year old would probably be slightly more aware of the risks and consequences involved.  Yeah, the whole point is for them to learn, but as Poko learns shortly, she herself doesn't like being charged without warning - but she expects Nyika to accept the behavior without question.

Quote
Nyika tried again to come forward and jerk her arm from the ferret when Poko relaxed her grip. The cat ended up bopping herself in the nose with her own paw and falling into the snow. Poko laughed loudly at the absurdity of it all, pointing at the distressed and snow-covered feline.

"Poko..." Zevka scolded tiredly.

"What – I didn't do anything! She hit herself!" The ferret shrugged innocently, then yelped in surprise as the wildcat plowed into her with a wicked hiss, piercing Poko's hide with her long, curved claws. The ferretmaid shrieked and sunk her teeth into one of the many bald patches along Nyika's arm in an instinctive attempt to free the hooks from her skin.

Abruptly, a paw seized her by the scruff and shook her until she let go.

"What isthe matter with you?" The pine marten released the ferret, who also ended up falling in the snow, though more out of surprise than momentum. "Don't you know how dangerous a bite can be? Bites are more apt to become infected than any other type of injury! There's a reason why all combat sports ban biting – "

"But she started it!" Poko could hardly believe Zevka could be so one-sided. It was as though Nyika's attack had not even happened – as if Poko had nipped her out of sheer spite.

"No – YOU started it!" Nyika's back arched as she stood by Zevka's side, claiming the pine marten's protection.

It was such a blatant lie that Poko could not help but lunge at her antagonist.

Seven year olds also have a startling tendency to deny all blame.  "I hit him because HE YELLED AT ME!  HE WAS BEING MEAN!!!"  And then can't understand when they are also punished.  As far as they are concerned, their motives, wants, and feelings trump any and all desires of anyone else.  In fact, many of them can't comprehend that other people actually feel anything (i.e, lack of empathy.) 

As far as I'm concerned, Poko doesn't think of Nyika as an evil genius; merely as someone who takes all of the attention away from herself.

Nyika - Frozen Flame

All I can say is that it's about time everyone stopped going by false names. 

I'd appreciate a little actual interaction with the ghosts.  Not to the point where it eclipses her real life encounters, mind, but enough that I can see how much it impacts her world outside of setting her apart from the others.  Also, I want to know more about all of the scratches.  And I feel like it's been mentioned, but she doesn't eat meat, right?

Oh, and the last line was GENIUS. 

I see. Well, I won't beleaguer the point further. I know everyone reads and imagines voices and events differently, depending on their own experiences. However...

QuoteSeven year olds also have a startling tendency to deny all blame.

I would say this is something that is certainly not isolated to that age bracket! That is generally something most human beings struggle with. Even teenagers (Excuses, excuses!).

I will certainly keep in mind the maturity of my character from now on and not make her too overly childish (though I do think her being one of the smallest members of the group affects her behavior somewhat also).

Quote from: Poko on July 25, 2013, 06:14:26 PM

QuoteSeven year olds also have a startling tendency to deny all blame.

I would say this is something that is certainly not isolated to that age bracket! That is generally something most human beings struggle with. Even teenagers (Excuses, excuses!).

Agreed - but it seemed that Poko firmly believed this, as opposed to just claiming innocence to avoid trouble. 

I really didn't mean it as a negative thing, and I can certainly see how being an only child with somewhat dysfunctional parents would lead to her being a little less mature.  I have no doubt that she will continue to grow up quite a bit as the story progresses.

Goragula - The Righteous And The Wicked

Love the interaction with Istvan.  It's still insane how much I would have related with Istvan at one point (except not, because we would be on completely different pages) but as far as I'm concerned, that just means his author did their research. 

I also commend you for setting up connections early on.  This helps immeasurably in keeping your place in a contest. 

Risk - In My Time Of Dying

I did not see you going this early.  I'm truly surprised.  It's like Sootpaws all over again...

There were many great moments throughout.  The exchange with Nyika hit several good notes, humor, sadness, tying up loose ends.  It makes me sad that Risk and Gashy won't be hanging out anymore - their conversations were some of the most seasoned and amusing. 

Anyway.  It seems like there's always a gem of a writer that goes out too early, and I'm sorry it was you this time around. 

Tara - Interlude

Well, you already know how I feel about you.  :P

It raised a few questions for me, which I thought was great.  Are there more survivors outside the main group?  Why don't the moles want them going *back* when they seem to want them gone so badly?  Does Pyracantha survive? 

Quote from: carelesswhisper on July 25, 2013, 05:56:58 PM
Nyika - Frozen Flame

All I can say is that it's about time everyone stopped going by false names. 

I'd appreciate a little actual interaction with the ghosts.  Not to the point where it eclipses her real life encounters, mind, but enough that I can see how much it impacts her world outside of setting her apart from the others.  Also, I want to know more about all of the scratches.  And I feel like it's been mentioned, but she doesn't eat meat, right?

Oh, and the last line was GENIUS.

I was pretty pleased with myself on that last line, haha. *grooms* =^.^=

I think you'll be very happy with my upcoming post when it comes to ghosts. As for the eating meat bit, she likes fish and critters "that don't talk back when you eat them," kekeke.

I'm so happy you're continuing to read and review! Thank you!

Vanessa - Ho! Ho! To the Bottle I Go!

Quote?I shee dead beashts.?

I've been waiting for this.

QuoteScat, the look on Zevka?s face said rather clearly.

Yeeaaaah, so, I've seen this a couple times now, so I'm assuming it's catching on.  Which is fine, I mean, I can see why it makes a decent substitute.  It just, ah, makes me think a little too far. 

Overall, this post was both entertaining and gave us a little glimpse into everyone involved.  I have a better grasp on why Noonahootin would choose Istvan to be in charge (though I'm still more on Nessa's page there, I have to admit - I'm having some doubts about Noonahootin's judgement in general) and it was very nice to see Zevka, Nyika, and Nessa let their guards down for a bit. 

You have a tendency to go for more subtle plot movement (character development and "smaller", yet still significant events, such as tossing all the food supplies) but you've managed to hold your place so far.  I do tend to forget that Vanessa exists outside of your posts, though. 

Noonahootin - Blue On Blue

Props for the title. 

I'm on the fence with you.  At first I felt like Noonahootin was simply too passive and conflicted to be a driving part of the story, but now I'm feeling like perhaps it's just his age and the difficult situation at hand getting to him.  But there again; he's old.  It seems to me that he should be more set in his ways than torn apart by conflicting opinions and ideas.  To me, he comes across as inexperienced, but I'm trying to keep in mind that all of his years of work haven't necessarily prepared him for this exact situation with these specific beasts. 

I think part of it may be that you spend a good part of your posts in thought, so sometimes it seems as though there is a disproportionate amount of action.  And Noonahootin struggles with himself so much that it can seem as though he is uncertain of what to do, or that he can't make up his mind. 

I am interested to see what happens with the white owl, so I'm happy you kept that part of the plot going. 

Poko - The Mentor

QuoteA trickle of musical notes carried through the crisp winter air as a fine crystalline dust blew in sparkling swirls around the young ferretmaid, Poko.

Beautiful imagery. 

Quote
Zevka winced at Poko's words. "I've been trying to look out for you...but I guess I haven't been doing real well at that, have I?"

Poko toed a circle in the snow. "Yeah, well... I guess it's been hard with Nyika getting in the way all the time."

This is such a step up from your last post.  I love that she is trying to hint and guilt Zevka and handling the situation with subtlety, feeling things out before she starts making outright accusations.   

Overall, I enjoyed this post.  *I* was able to empathise with Poko for once - up to this point, she has been so intent on pushing everyone away to deal with her own grief, and I feel like as a reader, I've also been unable to get close to her.  It's very refreshing to see that wall come down a bit, and I'm rooting for her much more now. 

Zevka - Let's Get Down To Business (to Defeat... The Moles!)

These four are banding together nicely.  I'm really liking the vibe between Zevka and Nessa, and I think that may be primarily because Nessa doesn't need a mother figure the way Nyika and Poko seem to. 

I know that in the Redwall series, moles are portrayed as being herbivores, but IRL, they are carnivorous and live primarily off insects and worms.  It would actually be kinda cool if these moles are more primal, IMO - make it that much harder to cut off their food supply. 

Speaking of the moles, and this goes for everyone, I'm really hoping to see some more tidbits in week three.  I realize you're still setting up the story somewhat, but I'm ready for some action. 

Gashrock - Gin and Tonic

I'm a little worried that Gashrock tries so hard to keep to herself and has no real interest in forming connections with the group, and also that you didn't move the plot along much.  I'm honestly not sure what Gashrock's agenda is.  I'm still a fan of the character, but I think you could benefit from getting a little more involved in the central plotline.  And I know that it's hard to do when there's so many characters, and you don't always get handed an appealing chunk of story to cover, but try to come up with whatever you can to make your character a necessary part of the plot.

Istvan - Painting Wings in Shades of Red

Oh dear.  Your title did not make me think what you probably intended.

I am very pleased to see things moving along here.  I'm a tad worried for Gashrock, especially, because the combination of her lack of involvement with the others and being in a dangerous spot could possibly have bad consequences for her being that the week is at an end, but I also trust that there are plans in motion and that, should she make it, good things will come of it in week 3. 

I want to see some aspect or behavior of Istvan that is not entirely smothered with religion.  I realize that may not be possible.  The mention of the relationship with his mother was a good start, though. 

Poko - Winging It

QuoteThey had left her. They had left her all alone with the curmudgeony old owl. Now he was trying to order her around as if she were some kind of mini masked soldier.

Yes!  This is what I meant by poking fun at her teen angstyness.  The repetition of "they had left her" makes it *just* dramatic enough that it's funny, but not so over the top that I'm rolling my eyes. 

QuoteShe had been in the middle of re-tying her foot wrapping which had become rather loose.

Nitpick, but "rather" is almost always an empty, unnecessary word.  Kind of like "ly" adverbs; I'm guilty of overusing them myself, but I have seen time and time again that when I trim them out, statements are stronger and my writing overall is tighter. 

Quote"Oh scat!" Poko quailed, "Whadowedo???"

One question mark is sufficient.  More is not better when it comes to punctuation.  :P  There were a couple other instances where you did similar things, so I figured it was worth a mention.  Also - and I'm sorry, I don't know why I'm so caught on punctuation right now - there should be a period after "quailed", not a comma.  One does not quail dialogue. 

I liked this post.  I liked how Poko was able to team up with Noonahootin.  The ending had some nice warm fuzzies while staying true to character, as well.

Gashrock - Notes From Underground

I want to preface by saying that, due to the tie that was announced, I don't know if you're still in or not, and I'm a bit hesitant to comment on some things for that reason.  Don't want to rub salt into the hypothetical wound. 

As usual, Gashrock is entertaining.  I think you are one of the best, if not the best, at making your character personable.  Sure, she's prickly, but if I had to choose a character to hang out with, it would probably be her.  I just feel like I know her from the first sentence to the last. 

Where you struggle is moving the plot.  You have a history, now, of long, humorous exchanges, but when it comes to moving the story, you could use some work.  The reveal of the needle at the end was good, but it would have helped to take it a little further.  Get them unchained.  Move them to a new spot.  Uncover a new development.  Overhear some moles.  Whatever you can. 

I really hope you're not leaving just yet (but I also really hope that Nyika isn't either...) so for now, I'll just leave things at that. 

Vanessa - Hittin' on all Sixes

So many aspects of this felt forced to me.  You moved the plot along well, which I applaud, but the way in which it was done (to me) read so much as "Hm, I need the caves to collapse.  How can I twist the dialogue to make Nessa do something that would normally be a random careless act but in this instance will completely change the course of action?" 

And Nessa took on a much stronger role, here - again, yay! - but it was done in a way that actually seemed to alienate her a bit.  She used Istvan without his say so - forcing his hand in a situation that could have led to his death - without a second thought.  I guess I can finally see why Noonahootin would choose Istvan over her to lead everyone in his absence.  Which is good, I mean, it helps to be able to believe in everyone's motives; but this post just felt like such a reality check to me. 

It also really bugged me that in doing so many careless risky things, Vanessa ultimately wins.  She takes on hundreds of moles and gets away with a few not-life threatening-injuries (provided voting goes your way.)  She uses the others like pawns, only willing to rely on herself, even if it means risking her own life, and really (in my eyes) didn't ingratiate herself any more with any of the other characters except perhaps Zevka.  And she and Zevka were already pretty close anyway. 

I'm sorry if this all comes across as overly negative or harsh.  I'm in kind of a bad place right now and I will probably take a short break from reviewing after I'm done with this week.  That doesn't excuse me if I'm unable to give you notes that are actually helpful to you, though. 

There were some really good things in this post.  You got things moving, and you kept them that way.  You set things up beautifully for Nyika's post, which is something I quite appreciate - it makes for a much smoother transition between chapters.  You solidified a lot of Vanessa's character and personality for me, and even if it wasn't exactly what I was expecting, I at least know who she is, where she stands, and can think about what I might like to see from her in the future.  (Other than a romance with Zevka.  'Cause, I mean.)

Nyika - Nyikromancer in a Daydream

Whatever happened to the good old fashioned "use a song lyric for your post title"?  :P  Not that I have an issue with puns, but I feel like things can get overly cutesy when everyone is trying to make some kind of witty commentary on the story or punning like there's no tomorrow. 

So - YAY on incorporating ghosts (though I just want to say that I would love to see them in less meaningful ways, i.e., chattering on about things that have nothing to do with the story proper BUT not in a way that takes up space and feels like filler.  There is a fine line.  Walk it!)  Also yay on getting her together with Goragula. 

Quote"Burr hurr, 'ee's backen!"

"Gurrt 'eavens!"

" 'E wurr deaden! Hoi seens it wit' moi ownen oiyes!"

'kay, I haven't read a Redwall book in over a decade, but I don't remember adding "en" to the end of every few words as being a legit aspect of molespeak...  not that you did that exactly, this just didn't seem genuine to me. 

I love that Risk is back, even if only as a ghost. 

I can totally see taking the infant is in character for Nyika, but part of me is just like NOOOOOO NO MORE BABIES EVER.  Please tread carefully! 

Gashrock - Details in the Fabric

QuoteIt felt good to be armed and, if not exactly dangerous, several times more formidable than she had been just waiting for Blackbriar to cut her free. No?Zevka. While she'd hardly befriended the pine marten, somewhere in their captivity they'd progressed to a mutually first name basis.

Thank goodness.

So, I actually read the post several days ago, and for some reason, I couldn't understand why recovering the message was soooo frickin' important.  I'm glad I waited to review you.  I will say that it does seem a little forced - I think most people would be a lot more intent on getting out with their life than trying to decipher a mystery like this - but I can also accept that Gashrock is quite eccentric and doesn't seem very fazed by the thought of losing her life, as long as her story goes on. 

QuoteShe wasn't sure if she understood him. She wasn't sure if she could. And yet, everything did fit together, in his mind. Truths were truths. They didn't pass out of style. All he really needed was a way to organize his ideas, pass them down.

I love this.  I love how insightful she is.  And the next line just kills it - you have a fantastic grasp of how to work humor. 

I hate that you weren't able to take a more active role until it was too late.  This post, for me, embodied every reason that I would have wanted Gashrock to stay in the story.  Granted, that's always my goal with a death post - make them hate themselves for what they have done! - but it still just sucks a bit. 

My only comment is that, I know your style is a bit bareboned, and I appreciate that, but something *slightly* more conclusive to tie things up at the end would have been nice, IMO.  Just one line.  Heh, just using "fin" would have even been cool.  But regardless, I am truly sorry to see you go. 

Quote from: carelesswhisper on August 18, 2013, 05:42:54 PM
(Other than a romance with Zevka.  'Cause, I mean.)

Right? This is so deserving to be shipped. :P

Zevka - Bombing Smurfs

QuoteHer voice was a whisper. ?You know who also wants her mati? The ferret kit that your miserable little tribe just orphaned. Lots of other beasts died in your avalanche, too. That's a lot of kits and mates and friends who want a lot of beasts they can't have any more. So no, you can't have your ma. You're never going to have your ma again, because your ma killed a lot of beasts we care about, and so we probably gutted her like a fish.?

Well... dang.  Those are some sentiments I would never have seen coming from Zevka.  It works, though - it adds depth, even if it isn't completely rational. 

QuoteThe mole flew through the air, and crashed straight into the owl. The harfang whirled around, its wicked beak lashing out. Blood sprayed across the snow, and Gypsumfur screamed. The harfang backpedaled, and then stared at the writhing mole for several moments, as though utterly stunned at witnessing the results of her actions. Poko seized the moment to put some distance between herself and the owl, while Zevka ran for her sword. Before she could retrieve it, however, the owl picked up the mole and took off, flying away as quickly as her wings would carry her.

;D ;D ;D ;D

Again, unexpected, but I'm pleased.  Though I do have to ask, was that planned from the beginning? 

Quote"Nessa, please! I can't do this with you, too!" The marten's voice broke just a bit as she said this.

Right?  Right?!

Well, now that I'm less convinced that Gypsumfur is dead, I'm a little disappointed (because I was seriously cackling aloud... ahem.)  But I still like that he's not part of the group for the moment. 

You continue to impress me.  Zevka is solid as a character and of the remaining beasts, I feel like I know her the best - without your having to do immense amounts of back story or flashbacks. 

Noonahootin - Rattling Bones

Overwhelmingly, when I read your posts, I feel like you are crippling Noonahootin - literally and figuratively.  His physical wounds (which you have not been hesitant to increase and worsen from the start) make hands (wings?) on action difficult, and his emotions hinder with his ability to take charge and be a proactive leader.  I honestly forget that Noonahootin has the highest rank, because he just never seems to be leading.  I think he is also the most isolated of the group.  He is so intent on protecting everyone (even though I can't recall an instance where he actually saved anyone and wasn't actually rescued himself by another member of the group) that he is unable to open up and be vulnerable by connecting with the others. 

The surgery was... intense.  I'm just too lazy to really research and see how realistic it is, but I have taken care of many, many animals that had badly infected wounds.  The only time that we would have a vet cut away tissue would be if there was so much dead tissue that it wouldn't slough off naturally fast enough... and dead tissue doesn't have live nerves, so unless you nick the good stuff, you don't feel it much.  (And they usually would, to be fair, as they had to sort of scrape it off once they got down to the last layer.)  Normally, though, we would stick with draining the pus and then smothering it in either a salve or a cream and if it were something that would come in contact with the ground/still raw and open, bandage it.  Also, I've never experienced seeing like, a specific little chunk that is infected.  BUT, I am not a doctor, and as I said, I didn't do any real fact checking here.  It just seemed like... a lot... and though there was clearly some good bonding going on, and it took care of that whole "you refuse to be vulnerable!" thing I was going on about in the first part of this review, overall, I just felt like the gore was unnecessarily excessive at times. 

But I should also note that I have an overactive imagination when it comes to physical descriptions of pain and harm. 

You did some good things.  You really surprised me with Noonahootin's willingness to *let* the others help him for once, as opposed to not being able to stop them and then grudgingly thanking them.  I think he is adorable with Poko.  The dialogue when they cauterize the wound had me giggling.  It's easy to say that this post was too fillery, but I think the character development that happened completely compensated for that, and I see Noonahootin in a slightly different light. 

Istvan - Glass Eye

I have to admit, I've read the story bit three times now, and I'm just not quite getting whatever hidden meaning Zevka is.  Unless it's a literal story and Istvan worships his physical mother.  I don't know.  I feel stupid trying to figure it out. 

Istvan is so walled off, even to himself.  He is always "in character" - aside from the fact that I've seen that he does in fact have mercy, I don't feel that I know him any better than I did last week.  I just want a chink into his exterior. 

I very much like where you've left things and how you set things up for the next week.  You are consistently good at moving the plot in a believable way and you keep Istvan involved; I would just like to feel a little more invested in him. 

Ah... I'm relieved I'm not the only one who thought that Noonahootin's post was excessively gorey. I understand it was necessary to show everybody working together, but it was really unpleasant and hard to get through... In most movies they would have cut to black after Istvan and Zevka were approaching. Which is great for me because I can't stand that stuff. I dunno... maybe I'm just a powder-puff and everybody else is fine with it, but did it really have to be that long and gratuitous?

Quote from: carelesswhisper on August 18, 2013, 05:58:20 PM
Nyika - Nyikromancer in a Daydream

You didn't like my pun!! =T_T= It's from Ace of Base, Dancer in a Daydream (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZWmC3XXOdeE). Actually, all my post titles have been song titles thus far. This just happens to be the first that's punny. But, I have to ask, how could I have said no?

It's funny you mention wanting to see ghosts in less meaningful ways. That's always been an idea for Nyika I wanted to pursue, but I have felt their current location has little demand for wandering haunts prattling on about nonsense. Perhaps when we reach Carrigul or a more developed locale I'll be able to explore this.

I do apologize for the molespeech. We're all a bit nervous when it comes to their manner of talking. I hope it didn't soil the rest of the post for you!!

Thank you so much for the feedback! It is much appreciated!

Not actual reviews, but a few thoughts on everyone so far:

Nyika - For me, the sacrifice scene was pivotal and took the character to a whole new level of depth.  The bit where she knits the hat is charming and a nice time out from all the intensity, while still maintaining a darker twist when she realizes that they're dead.  I'm very interested to see what Nyika does next.  It was long, but I accidentally fixed that for myself by reading the second half one day and the first half the next.  :D

Noonahootin - kind of the same notes as usual.  I wish I could say something different.  You have so much potential, I feel, writing an old character, and yet... hm, this may just be my difficulty understanding.  For me, as I have aged, my perspective has grown immensely.  Noon, to me, has the perspective of someone much, much younger, but is stuck in that mindset the way a much older person could be.  I don't know, I just... don't see him realistically getting away with being purposely naive about things, and I think most people would be more disturbed than sad about the things that Nyika says to him.  You're not bad, the character isn't bad, the writing is good - I just can't seem to get attached. 

Goragula - Alas, I have yet to see a writer survive a week without posting.  For me, this illustrated your limitations and lack of involvement toward the end, and while I am very sad to see you go, I feel that you may have had an easier time of it if you had given yourself a little more freedom (species, moral alignment - truly evil characters tend to not get along with others well...)  You had some awesome moments in the past, though, and those are what I will remember you by.

More small thoughts.  Because I have been remiss.  Case in point: I don't even know how behind I am, I am about to try to cram so I can vote, and my current assignment includes sitting outside and smoking a cheap cigar while waiting for noon to arrive so I can leave for my psychiatrist.  And I am not going back inside until the entire thing has been smoked!  (Fun note: it makes my tea taste like coffee.)

So rather than go back to last week (I think that's where I left off?) I shall pick up with the current.  Soon to be past.  Something.

Poko:  Okay, here is a nit that isn't with you.  All of you guys.  I know you have lives.  I know your lives are every bit as busy or more than mine.  And I know that writing is probably (rightfully) your last priority, just as reviewing is one of the lower ones of mine.  But my god, it is ten times harder to read everything, have coherent thoughts, and vote upon them, when the majority of the posts go up the day voting starts.  And the reason I am thinking of this now is that the first paragraph of Poko's post, which I have reread upwards of 10 times over the last week, has always led me to the same panic: "what's happening?" It had literally been so long since the last post of the week previous that I had completely forgotten what was happening, where the cast was headed, or why on earth they would be wearing gas masks.

BUT NOW I KNOW (and now I know and now I know and now I know that you can hear meeee~)

I'm really happy that we're getting close to Carrigul and out of this dreamlike in between area. 

As others have commented, it's really sweet to see Poko becoming more mature and thinking of the world less in terms of her own part of it.  Takis has served as an excellent plot device for this.  I also love seeing her and Nyika pair off at last.  I feel like these two could do some great things together down the road. 

QuoteSuddenly she realized she had been holding the pipe for a very long time, and passed if off to Nyika with a muttered apology. She was not used to sharing.

This made me giggle unashamedly, if only for how real it is.

All in all, Poko really comes into her own here.  Keep at it.

Vanessa:  Shortness is not a problem for me.  This just read as... rushed.  I think it's completely normal for Nessa to be all over the place as far as mood, and to have conflicting feelings toward Zevka, but without the proper in between thought transitions, it's a little confusing. 

I still maintain that y'all are going to face your passionate love and run away to the south and adopt a shrew babe or something.

Noonahootin:  I have sinned dear father...

QuoteLife barely stirred that night, if it weren't for the round-faced ottermaid and her pine marten companion wrestling about. Their noises, soft yet full of life

bahahaha

I'm glad that the feather's out of the bag.  It wasn't doing anything as Noon's secret, and I'm really, REALLY hoping that now that everything's out in the open, you will take a more driving role in the plot and become a necessary device.

Also, personal opinion - I think where you could probably start to work on Noon and his place in the story is in in reactions to things.  Thus far, any time something bad happens, he immediately spirals downward and blames himself, feels terrible, but does nothing.  One of these times, someone needs to call him on it and get him back in motion. 

Istvan:  I read that first sentence and though, Boy, he and Desmo would've gotten along swell.  Then I actually stopped and *thought* about that and realized that poor Desmo wouldn't be alive too long around Istvan.  Alas. 

Why are all the girls so into Istvan?!  He's not that kind of messed up where you're like, "Oh, with years of patience and love, I could fix him!" but he's also not that irresistably dark kind of, "I don't care what horrible things he does to me, I will love every minute of pain and anguish because it's for him..."

I just don't get it, people.  Maybe it's just my aversion to facial tattoos.

As per usual, you get the plot moving quickly and you keep it that way 'til the end.  My previous vague interest in Carrigul quickly turned to, "What on earth is going on here and how on earth will they stop it?"

The last line was also especially important.  It seems like something small, but in the scheme of Istvan's character development, a realization like that is *huge*.  In the beginning of the story, he wouldn't even have considered putting someone's life in front of his beliefs.

Istvan is honestly so sweet, though. Look at how kind he is toward Nyika. He is especially kind to her in her post this week. And he goes out of his way to constantly save the others' lives. He looks intimidating on the outside, but he really doesn't fit either of those stereotypes, like you said. Besides being involved in some not-so-pleasant work, he is really a good guy.

Quote from: Balmafula on September 26, 2013, 12:01:57 PM
Istvan is really a good guy.

and don't forget he is also a pompous jerk!

Poko's met enough jerks in her life though, she can look past that and see the "good guy" there. Mostly I think they've just been through so much together, it's like they're family, and yeah, your brother might be a jerk, but you try to see past that and look for the best cause - hey - he's family.

Nyika:  *cracks knuckles*  This may be the post that kills me, but I have a little over an hour left, so we'll see.  :P

QuoteThe vixen frowned, cocking her head as she considered the wildcat before her. "Were you not scared?" She sounded disappointed.

Awesome.

QuoteShe would have had family?a family that cared for her?but Ruark, in his own personal machinations, had crushed all her hopes and dreams. She could not simply leave him unpunished.

"Cut him," Risk said, and Ruark's haunts joined him.

"The Cutter's Mark!"

"Give him the Cutter's Mark!"

This, to me, was a subtly great way of reinforcing the uncertainty as to whether Nyika's "power" is real or not.  The fact that Risk seems to be able to read her thoughts - i.e., is literally inside her head - and yet it's all played so casually, you can almost miss it.  I very much appreciate the continued questioning there.  Sure, Risk knows her well, and he could have just picked up on her body language and interjected with where he assumed she was going, but to me, I feel like it's just a little *too* all-knowing of him to immediately go there. 

The ending was actually really sweet.  I'm still kind of iffy on the whole religion thing - it's hard for me to accept that it could be genuine when it resembles mental illness so closely - but it's really cool to see her and Istvan bonding on an equal level, while teaching the other what they can.  And having him tattoo her for some reason is just adorable to me.  While their relationship has been building for the last few weeks, it's growing in ways I wouldn't have expected.  I look forward to seeing what happens next.

Egads, it has spread!  :P

Here's the thing, to me, Istvan is batpoo crazy.  I say this as someone who is still in contact with a lot of people who are part of an extreme religion (though they tend to stop at starving themselves for a day or two rather than blood letting.)  It's really, REALLY hard for me to read his actions and not interpret them as crazy, because the rest of my brain is screaming CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY at me.  :P

Sure, he loves Nyika and cares about her, but he also wants her to live within a little box of what is okay - no smoking, no drinking, no anything that to him, is a sin.  And while these may seem like minor things to give up, you also have to take into account that they are literally a SIN to him - to the point where atonement has to be made in the form of blood.  That, to me, is extreme. 

So, while I think he probably is the cuddliest most swoon-worthy beast this side of Mossflower, I also find it hard to come to grips with the idea that they can just look past all of that and be fine with it. 

After a lovely chat with my favorite cab driver (for real!) a pointless five minute consultation to say, "Keep it up, and we'll do this again in two months!" a refreshing chai latte and gluten free protein bar later, I return... for Zevka!

So, the camp mom ploy worked well early on.  Very well.  But I'm starting to really want to see Zevka branch out of that now.  Her instinctual need to protect the younger characters isn't actually creating any tension (they ignore her or otherwise sneak behind her back) nor is it actually keeping them any safer.  At some point, I feel like Zevka will be forced to realize that she has enough on her plate dealing with HER issues.  Which, right now, I think are getting pushed to the side because she's so busy looking after everyone else. 

See, in the beginning, that role was a really good one to play.  It got you involved with every other character in more than a passing way.  But now that the story has progressed, we've reached a point where I really want to see more of Zevka herself - not Zevka The Mom. 

I don't have a whole lot else to say, it was really hard for me to stay focused on the second half of the post.  I don't think that was your fault, I just have no attention span.  I'm a tad worried that everyone is so scattered, as there are a couple "weaker" ones that I think won't do as well solo, but, we'll see.

I will try to review proper later today.  I just wanted to say that I seem to be the only one who didn't notice an abundance of eye references in Nyika's most recent post, and also that if it's THAT obvious, I feel that it's something the other contestants should have caught.

and now, thanks to all that, I am overwhelmed by memories of "What color is your yes?!"  Good times. 

Nyika - Can I Really Be the Hero?

Yes, yes you can.  The title may be a question, but for me, this post very firmly instates Nyika into her new role.  Everything relies on her, revolves around her.  I am also happy to see her becoming more confident in herself. 

So many mood swings in this post.  I have to admit that Zevka just seemed inconsistent, but since we're seeing her from the outside, I can't make any judgements. 

QuoteIn an instant Nyika had retracted her claws, placing her paw in her lap and averting her gaze sidelong at the table, studying the grain and trying not to think of how silly and foolish she was acting. Here she was playing games with Noonahootin and Zevka was sick with worry, not only about Nessa, but Mekad as well?Zevka's best friend, and quite possibly her own brother. How could she have forgotten? How could she be so callous?

Either 1. Nyika is emotionally sensitive to a fault and taps into what everyone around her is feeling, or 2., it really is just a moodswing - and pretty classic, in my opinion.  I'd like to give a little background; usually when I mention or talk about moodswings or mood problems in real life, the first question I am asked is, "Is that when you're happy and you're having a good time and then suddenly you're not?"  Well, it can be.  It can mean that your mood flips like a switch without any provocation or reason.  It can also mean that you are overly sensitive to internal or external "triggers" that cause an exaggerated change in mood.  Both can be symptoms of bipolar I or II.  In this case, the external event of Zevka throwing a fit causes an overcompensation in Nyika.  In her head, she is now responsible for all of Zevka's hurt.  I will grant that this is a tense situation, and it's not as if Zevka was pissy over a minor problem.  I'm also aware that my own personal experiences bias me toward seeing symptoms of mental illness in Nyika (and any other of the cast that displays them, really.)  I feel like this particular situation easily goes either way, but when I first read it, it immediately reminded me of the type of mood swings typical of bipolar and even unipolar depression.

QuoteNyika played with the tankard's handle. Alcohol was a sin, and to poison the body would be blasphemous against the All-Mother. As much as she wanted to, if she truly wished to be Istvan's Mistress of Spirits, she had to start taking her role seriously. "No," she said. "I think not." She sighed. Maybe just a sip.

I love that Istvan has such an overwhelming effect on her.  Mostly because it's to an extreme and I feel like she is trying to become what he wants rather than let him appreciate her for what she was.  Unhealthy relationships are the best.  :D

I felt like Poko had no real reason to care about Ruark or the deaths of all the tavern goers other than to spark the conversation.  It just felt forced and weird.  Or maybe just petty, like despite everything, Poko just irrationally hates Nyika and will take the opposing stance no matter what. 

The thought I leave with is still that Nyika has become central and indispensable to the plot, and at this point, that's a necessity.  I'm also suddenly a lot more excited to see where the story goes.

Poko - Chink in the Dragon's Scales

Some cool things happened here; it was nice to see a little less snark and a little more introspection from Poko.  I also appreciated the history that was explained.  I was *slightly* put off by the formality of the prisoner's dialogue, but since he's old, I can overlook it. 

Honestly, at this point, my only question is, why is Poko here?  What is she doing?  What does she want?  How is being there helping her get it?  I feel like you're working on an elaborate side plot that isn't as relevant as it needs to be, and while I admire your effort and the thought you've clearly put into this, I'm also kind of worried.  Poko has made a good supporting character up 'til now, and with the events of last week and the introduction of Takis, it seemed that you were working to become more central to the plot.  However, now that they have arrived and it's become clear that the overthrow of Tikora and the halt of the war will be the primary storyline, I feel like you're drowning and reaching for anything that can keep Poko even remotely involved. 

I honestly didn't expect the story to turn over so quickly and so late in the game.  Playing it slow and steady was working pretty darn well for you up until this point.  But I really feel like unless you can find a way to make Poko utterly indispensable, well, there's no reason for her to be there.  Unlike Zevka and Noon, she has no prior connections in Carrigul, and unlike Istvan and Nyika, she is completely uninvolved in the religion and therefore unable to involve herself in that aspect.  She has really become a pawn at this point. 

I'm not sure what to tell you.  You have made so much progress in character development and I truly am interested in the side plot Poko runs; the problem is that it is just that, side plot.  I can say, though, that if you manage to get Poko better entwined in things, you've for sure proven that you have the writing skills, creativity, and character development to keep her going.  Fingers crossed that you do.

Oh my GOD.  Istvan.  You take one step in the right direction and two steps back.  Biting an actual chunk of flesh out of your paw?  Well, props for bravery, I guess.  I would have gone for scratching, myself.  I felt that this was progress though:

QuoteHe had no way of knowing if his plea had been heeded, nor if his sacrifice had been efficacious, but nevertheless he felt the peace of the Mother wash over him, uplifting his mind and soul. Let the heretics do to him what they wished. He had nothing left to fear now.

I am (I suspect obviously) not religious, but that right here highlights the very reason I feel that religion can be a useful tool for some people.  It's not about what it stands for, it's about how it makes you feel. 

Quote
"I only speak the truth. ..."

For I am a magical sitar~

Quote"Ahaha... of course you are. Amazing." She wiped her eyes. "I didn't think there was anybeast out there who actually took it seriously. The vixen who I heard about it from had been asking beasts to give all their possessions to her so that they could 'live a holy life free of material concerns.' But I saw potential in what she preached, especially after she told me about the teachings on blood and sacrifice. And now, after years of work... here I am. High Priestess of the biggest vermin city in Mossflower, with hundreds of beasts who will do my bidding utterly without question. Tell me, otter, have you ever managed to achieve anything so great in your own ministry?"

This here is someone who understands cults. 

This post, for me, was a necessary stepping stone in the plot, but outside of the soon to be child of Tikora, I didn't feel like I learned much of anything new.  It was already clear that a questionable religion had been taken to even more messed up heights, and there wasn't any doubt of Tikora's corruption before now.  The only difference is that now we see it close up. 

I am, however, hopeful that this is a part one of sorts to whatever you have planned for Istvan this week.  As ever, I am glad to see Istvan questioning himself and his beliefs, and I appreciate how realistic his reactions are.  It takes a lot of hell and a lot of time to truly cast an entire belief system aside, so it's cool to me to see that even when he doubts the most, he clings to what he can. 

Carelesswhisper!! In the interim of voting and all of us fretting over our deaths, meow is the perfect time to help get our minds off troubling consequences by voicing your thoughts over the rest of the week! I won't ask for full fledged reviews, but do you have any thoughts over how the rest of the week progressed?

I suppooooose.  But I demand cupcakes and wine. 

The Chennault Error

So the main thing that stood out to me the first time I read this is that it feels really out of character for Noonahootin not to be concerned about Poko's absence.  So much that I felt like it was merely a forced move for the sake of the plot.   

Maybe Noon is just falling apart in his old age.  Maybe he is a shadow of what he used to be.  But every step of this post - I just found myself facepalming over and over.  He virtually plucks himself and hops into the oven. 

The chicks were adorable and not at all cloying and I thought the introduction of Cleite was a genuinely interesting move, though again, I felt like alarms should have been going off in Noon's head. 

QuoteHe could not decide if it had been a good idea to send Zevka with Nyika or not; surely she would have wanted a word with her wayward employer, and yet the owl did not know if he could trust Zevka to not lose her temper and spoil their ruse.

At this point, it seems fairly obvious that the only ruse in play is that of the enemy.  Not to mention, wouldn't Beechton recognize her whether she lost her temper or not? 

I don't know if you were just given a really hard bit of plot to cover or what.  I felt like every action in this post was forced and needed, rather than natural and what really made sense for the character.  You did, however, get things where they needed to go - not always easy to do. 

Crutches and Buttons

So, I only have a few thoughts on this one (and only partially because I'm trying to hurry...): 

I thought that Beechton died far, far too soon (I wasn't even properly scared of him yet - he had barely become a villain in my eyes) and Poko gave up her turncoat role way sooner than benefited her.  Seriously, I think that if everyone had prolonged that alone, it would have given Poko much better footing this week.  I was really disappointed to see both of those elements fall apart as quickly as they came together. 

I thought you could have played up the button thing a lot more.  As it was, it just fell a little flat and didn't seem to add to the character. 

I'm impressed by Zevka's ability to bounce back from anything, but I also think you could definitely dig a little more into the angst and worry she has to be feeling still.  She may have won this encounter, but things are definitely not okay.  Nessa's gone, she hasn't yet found Mekad and doesn't know what state he's in, Nyika is in danger every minute - the list goes on and on.  I would be freaking out if I were her, but, I am not. 

You've carved out a nice leading role in the story.  All I can say is try not to get too comfortable.

The Heir of Delphi

Finally one of the characters recognizes that they've been fooled.  And unlike Poko, Nyika snatches up the chance to make use of it and doesn't throw it away immediately. 

QuoteNyika felt herself moving, her limbs acting of their own accord as she climbed atop the table, both paws coming up to grip Noonahootin's beak and holding him fast. Their foreheads touched, their eyes locking; his pupils had dilated, shifting back and forth in fear and anger and panic. She held his gaze for what seemed an eternity, her own never wavering, until his breath calmed and his feathers smoothed.

"Don't worry," she murmured. "All is not lost. I can do this." How, she did not know. She still had a few tricks up her sleeve. She could still use the All-Mother against Tikora, maybe convince her to let them go once Nyika told the weasel of her haunts. Frighten her into servitude. Fear was a compelling beast, and one Nyika was all too familiar with.

I love that even when she's scared to death, she's still compelling enough that she can convince Noon to have faith in her.  It's... the best liars are the ones that convince others that they are bad at lying.  When they do lie, you never suspect.  Nyika has been so apparently innocent this entire time that the others accept what she says without question.  And, of course, at this point, Noon has no choice but to trust her. 

QuoteGood, good.

Quick aside, but every time I see or hear that nowadays, I just imagine the giant insect in Family Guy and break out tittering...  Totally imagined Nyika chilling on a couch and tapping her claws together.

QuoteIt was when Nyika found herself on the floor that she figured she had crossed a line. Tikora's fists fell relentlessly on the hapless wildcat, kicking and scratching while the weasel screamed curses and obscenities until her throat was sore and she was too tired to go on. Nyika took it all, her blood mixing with that of Istvan's as she waited until the rain of blows would stop. At one point it seemed it never would.

I just wanted to point this out because I really appreciated how you didn't narrate up to Nyika finding herself on the floor.  It's the way it would feel if it were happening; you don't focus on every micro second up to that point, just, suddenly, the breath's been knocked out of your lungs and you're on your back, wheezing and fighting and adrenaline rushing through you. 

There were a few more things that I wanted to note, in the spirit of contrasting the possibility of supernatural vs. mentally ill, but as I said, I'm in a bit of a hurry.  I'll try to revisit later.

Prolonged grey weather has triggered the usual mood swings, but for once, they're up instead of down!  The plan is to channel my brief wit into reviews that make you laugh, cry, and just about everything in between.  I will probably fail. 

But this is better than coming up with music videos for songs that I only know ten words of the chorus. 

Once More Into The Fray

Quote?Well, how about a story, father?? Cleite's restrained tone lashed at Noonahootin harder than any whip, the old grey owl knowing full well Cleite hadn't physically struck him only because his children were right there.

I can't explain.  But I will mangle my keyboard trying.  That one line of dialogue changed Noon's entire character for me, and I hate it because it's too late, but I also love that it finally came together in a way that made sense to me.  Here's what I see:  Noon lives in a fantasy.  Constantly.  It is fed and encouraged by real life, and I wouldn't go so far as to say he is delusional; but his head is so much in the past that he is unable to truly live in the present.  And it seems he's been this way for quite some time.  He is built upon regrets, victories, memories of love and loss.  He is what he has always been - he is old.  And it finally all added up for me in a way I can appreciate, and I am kicking myself for not being able to see it sooner.  Seeing that line - having someone who has known Noon for years and years try to jerk him to reality like that - it was the baseline I needed to understand how he really fits into his role. 

This is further accentuated when Noon demands proper stance from Istvan.  Pretending - holding onto that last shred of belief that things can ever be the same again - is all that keeps him together. 

And it seems fitting that Noon got to go out in the blaze of glory that I have always wanted for him. 

This was your best yet.  And the ending was so peaceful and right.

The Mourning After

QuoteShe practically flew ? flew to the fallen bird she hoped against hope but knew ? she knew deep down inside ? was Noonahootin.

I think you may have accidentally a couple words?

It was sweet to see Poko truly react to a death.  As I may have established, my memory is the-word-we-can't-say, but it seems like up to now, her grief has been shown as numbness.  Which is totally normal, I mean, but it's good to see a change. 

This was very fillery though.  And other than getting that immediate reaction in, I wasn't very clear on the point of the post, other than having another Poko post.  I feel like you dropped the ball a tad this week as far as the plot went. 

Still.  Serious character growth.  It is sad yet wonderful when Poko suffers so.  :P

Number 10

QuoteZevka produced several small ribs and bones

I would have used ribs OR bones, not both.  Redundant.

The placement of this and the two preceding posts feels really weird to me.  Noon is taken, time moves, and then Poko grieves, moving things further.  Suddenly we are thrown back to just after Noon leaves.  I just don't know that I really needed to see the other perspective here.  At the very least, I think it could have been covered more briefly...

QuoteSomebeast had tied a bright blue ribbon around the scabbard. Attached to it was a note that read "Nepsy, will you be my mayt?"

I might be tittering breathlessly.

Honestly, I felt like you probably could have milked Mekad's captivity for another week.  If it weren't for the fact that Nyika is prisoner, Zevka would pretty much have no reason to stick with the story.  I think it's noble and all that this tiny group of beasts wants to stop a war machine that has obviously been in the works for years, but... none of them set out with that goal in mind.  It's a lot to take on.  Really. 

But that could just be the fact that I haven't been regularly reading posts for the last few weeks and I'm out of touch with things.

Glass Heart

QuoteThe otter noticed Mekad shrinking back from him, and made a mental note to educate the cat on the proper teachings of the All-Mother. The last thing he needed was another beast to sow distrust against him, as Zevka had so long ago.

Hah.  I remember that feeling. 

I have a really weird note, and I'm hesitant to say anything about this, but - Istvan has cut a couple of other beasts at this point, and it is portrayed as being easy because he's used to doing it to himself.  I realize that Istvan self injures for religious purposes, but generally SIers judge how deep they have gone by the sensation.  (Generally.)  When you injure someone other than yourself, you don't have that immediate sensation feed to stop you from doing too much (or too little, I suppose) harm.  I also feel that, given the descriptions of how much blood is flowing, Istvan is a little sloppy when he injures others. 

As with Nyika, I love how there are two possible perspectives to Istvan; either his religion is "real" and blood letting truly allows forgiveness, or he mistakes the endorphin rush from self injuring as a pardon.  Either possibility is so elaborate and intriguing. 

Major "d'aww!!!" at the reunion with Nyika.  Seriously, those two should be together...

Thank-you, careless. Your interpretation and understanding of my character's last has proven spot on. I'm so glad you enjoyed the ending. It was very important that Noonahootin find peace.

I truly appreciate your comments and enthusiasm throughout the contest. : )

Nyika

Despite keeping up with Pyracantha and co. througout the story via the interludes, I have to admit that were I one of the main players, I would let them die.  I know, I know - they all have a past relationship with her that makes her more than just a tour guide, but the way things have played out in the story, it just seems like no contest - Tikora is way more valuable to them than Pyra's life. 

...and I should note that I typed all of that before I reached the part where Nyika comes to the same conclusion. 

I can't begin to say how relieved I am that the c-section didn't involve copious descriptions of gore. 

Everything happened very fast here.  Maybe it's because of the hiatus, maybe it's just me, but it all just seemed to unravel very quickly.  I was surprised that Tikora was killed, a little surprised by Aster's reaction to the truth, surprised by Zander's true colors, and mostly just surprised that I can actually see the story ending within a few posts.  There was so much buildup, and I just expected a little more intensity of climax. 

Quote from: carelesswhisper on November 19, 2013, 05:37:27 PM
Despite keeping up with Pyracantha and co. througout the story via the interludes, I have to admit that were I one of the main players, I would let them die.  I know, I know - they all have a past relationship with her that makes her more than just a tour guide, but the way things have played out in the story, it just seems like no contest - Tikora is way more valuable to them than Pyra's life.

In Nyika's defense, that one's on me. I said which character(s) it'd be okay to kill, and, without being too specific, the vague kind of death I wished they could have. I didn't force them one way or the other, and in the end the ending they've chosen has affected who lives and dies. I would just like to say that I love the level of involvement the contestants have let me have in the story. The interludes weren't even originally going to happen at all, but the contestants asked if I'd cover some of the political stuff, so they could concentrate more on character interactions. It's been a fairly unique story in that regard. I only wished I had covered more of their adventures in the mountains. I had a lot of other stuff planned that had to get cut because I couldn't get my rear in gear. :P

In the interim, and as a way to avoid rearranging rooms or packing for a family visit next week, I would like to indulge in nostalgia and take a look back at the characters' growth overall. 

Everything has changed so much.  My least favorite in the beginning became my number one.  Going in the order that they come to mind. 

Zevka - Of everyone, I think you played the most expected course.  I believe it worked because it is so true to character; Zevka was pretty well defined to begin with, and rather than completely change her personality, you chose to continually add depth to what was there.  Most notable moment: tossing the baby mole.  I didn't see that coming from Zevka, after getting to know her as the mothering, worrier type, and the tantrums it caused were pretty sweet too. 

The ending I am hoping for:  Zevka plays her part in overthrowing The Evil, settles down with Mekad, and together they start a little tavern of their own.  Obviously they adopt Poko and drive her nuts by giving her curfews and treating her like, well, a child.

Istvan - At no point have I known what to expect from you.  I feel both happy and disappointed with how things have played out thus far; I feel like you yourself are guarded about how much you care to reveal, and the result has been an extremely slow moving, albeit realistic, character arc.  Repeatedly, I find myself floored by how well you have played the cult mindset, but I also find myself frustrated by Istvan's refusal to see it for what (I believe) it is.  Again, realistic - just not what I wished for.  My ongoing pet peeve with you has been the unrealistic blood flow depicted in descriptions of injuries, self inflicted or otherwise.  :P  I seen some things, man, and done some stuff.  Also I have participated in a good few butcherings, so I have a good idea of what... extreme bloodflow would be like. 

The ending I hope for (but know is unlikely):  Istvan has an extreme revelation and is finally able to experience reality.  At this point, I don't know what would be a powerful enough catalyst to accomplish this, but regardless.  He and Nyika make a quiet home in the wilderness, a place where wayfarers and travelers pass through to rest and heal before they go on their way.  Living and dead, of course.  Istvan does all he can to aid Nyika in her struggle to balance the dual worlds she experiences, but finally one morning, when the weasel babe is about ten seasons, he wakes up to find the wildcat dangling from the rafters.  She has drowned the child in order to, as she puts it in her final script, "Spare her from what I have seen."  Istvan returns to self injuring and also takes up drinking.  He dies a few seasons later. 

Noonahootin - I wish I had known then what I knew now.  I felt so frustrated by his actions and his internal monologues.  If I hadn't been stupid, I would have been able to see it for what it was and not get all hung up about it.  That's really all I can say. 

The ending I would have wanted: is what you went with.  I couldn't imagine a more perfect exit for Noon.  Granted, it would have been sweet to see him get to enjoy being a grandfather for a good bit longer, in which case I could see him authoring one or two textbooks on battle tactics and his personal memoir. 

Poko - I've been hot and cold with her.  At a couple points early on, she ranked amongst my least favorites, but I think you definitely took the prize for most improved.  At this point, I'm impressed with Poko.  I felt that the writing took a slight dip in the 6th week, but there is something very endearing about her.  Poko is the heroine that every young person wants to see - someone they can relate to, even through all the fantastic adventures and trials she faces. 

The ending I hope for:  Poko is adopted by Zevka and Mekad, but unable to deal with domesticity and normal childish pursuits after everything she has seen, she constantly rebels.  She and Takis find each other once more and rekindle their awkward flirting of yore, which eventually results in their eloping together.  They have twins and stun the world with their sheer cuteness.  Together they start their own troupe of performers and travel the map. 

Risk - Still completely "WTF??!!" that you went so early.  Risk was one of my very favorites from the start, and I have very much appreciated his continued presence as a ghost.  I can only imagine what interactions between Tikora and him would have been like - take that back, they would have been AWESOME.  AWESOME I TELL YOU

The ending I would have wanted: What you chose worked, and very well.  I have to be honest, it almost reminded me of Marriote a bit, though with far more purpose and general way-better-ness.  I was just so upset to see him die at all that it made it hard to enjoy.  I WOULD have liked to see him get to the end and do stuff and see things and be awesome and get a few more scars, but since I can't have that, I think he should just stir up as much mayhem as possible in the afterlife. 

Goragula - My goodness, you had so much promise.  I think the species choice may have been your undoing, but darn it, Gor was just plain awesome and dripping with creepy evil.  The best part is that you could have done anything you wanted - convert him to the light, or have him team up with the established villains.  It's hard to play a baddie amongst relatively "good" guys, but you did it well. 

The ending I would have liked: Goragula turns out to be behind all of the horror and intrigue that goes on, with Tikora herself subservient to him.  Ultimately, I think he would die if he didn't genuinely switch sides, but it would have been so satisfying to have him deliver the most slimey, sinister smile as the other players realize what's happened. 

Gashrock - You made me think of a less-educated Jenni Green, and it was sublime.  You definitely won the most distinct character, hands down, and effortlessly.  If you had been able to incorporate just a tad more plot into your posts, you would have been in my top three.  Gashrock 4eva <3

What I would have wanted: Well, obviously, to live.  Gashrock finally publishes her book and becomes bitter and jaded when it is not a success.  She drinks herself to a (timely?) grave, and only then is her work  hailed for the genius it always was. 

Vanessa - You started very strong, and I think you just got a bit lost.  Vanessa had a good story and I would have liked to see her continue on her journey of self discovery.  I felt like you were very much in the middle the whole time; never among the bottom players, but never quite reaching your potential.  Vanessa was, for me, the quintessential heroine and that in itself can be quite satisfying.  I do hope to see you write again. 

The ending I would have wanted: Vanessa finally admits her love for Zevka but is rejected.  Brokenhearted, she drinks heavily and takes up work as a paid assassin.  One of her clients falls in love with her and continues hiring her just to have an excuse to talk to her, but finally she runs out of beasts she wants dead and is forced to profess her love aloud.  They are madly happy and Vanessa drinks less and charges more for killing beasts. 

Nyika - Last but never least.  I have to be honest, for the first two weeks, I hated her.  I wanted her dead, yo.  I attempted to keep an open mind, but at the core of it all, I was convinced she was nothing but a dramatic, angsty teen with a twinkish superpower.  I'm not sure when exactly it changed.  But Nyika steadily rose through the ranks and is now in my top three.  The way you have played her this entire time is so delightfully ambiguous, and I have very much enjoyed pondering what exactly her deal is - unusual power, or mentally ill.  You've explored some themes very near to my heart, and as a reviewer, I have appreciated your interest in the audience opinions. 

What I hope for:  Nyika finally ends her life, expecting to live in one world for once and for all.  Upon her final breath, she opens her eyes, expecting to see her fellow fallen; there is no one.  She wanders the world of the living, unseen, unheard, forced to watch as those she left behind suffer, grow old, and pass on.  Her head was once full of voices; she will never hear another beast again.