The Beast Who May or May Not Be Crazy

[Zevka]

Name: Azalea
Species: Whiptail Snake
Gender: Female
Age: 32
Category: The Beast Who May or May Not Be Crazy

Roe is met with darkness as he plunges into the cave. He finds himself wet with rain and short of breath after the long run here. Finding this cave is as much a boon as the storm outside to cover his tracks. Leaning against the wall the marten relaxes, slowly sliding down onto his rump. ?They will never find me here, they will never find me here?? he mutters as if repetition will make it come true.

?You know. . .? Roe?s becomes alert as something stirs in the shadows, ?It is cussstimary to knock before entering one?s home.?

Lightning strikes, the thunder drowning out even Roe?s shriek of terror as the room and the snake charging at him are both illuminated.

Wrapping tightly about his leg as Roe rises to flee, the creatures tail effortlessly lifts him off the ground before slamming him against the far wall like a bullwhip.

The wind knocked out of him Roe can only watch as the beast draws ever closer. Only the serpents unblinking eyes can be seen swaying back and forth as the beast closes the distance. ?N-no! Get back! Get-? Row sinks even further into the wall to get away from the beast, his words falling flat as the snake thrusts its tail towards his head?

...And tapping him lightly on the nose.

?Boop.?

Roe blinks slowly. Words fail him as the snake chuckles. ?So sorry. But the look on your face is pricesslesss. Now?? The snake uses her tail again to press against Roes chest, her forehead pushing against his own as she says, ?You were going to tell Azalea why you break into her home, yessSSss??

Roe lets out a small squeak, ?S-slavers. I?I was looking for a place to hide from slavers. I didn?t mean to trespass. P-please I...? The snake begins to coil around the marten, causing him to gasp.

?Why does the little marten thing sshiver and fret sso? Are you afraid?? The snake says in what might be an attempt to be soothing. The marten?s whine is all the snake needs to hear for answer. ?You have Azalea confused for barbarian adder, yesss? But Azalea isSSs no adder. Marten does not need to fear poisSSsons Azalea does not have.? Azalea waits until the marten seems to relax before adding happily. ?No, Azalea is Whiptail. Whiptailsss love martensss. You are sso sssoft and cuddly, Azalea just wants to ssqueeze you to peicessSSss??

Roe gasps as Azalea gives him the viper equivalent of a bear hug, forcing the breath from his lungs and filling his ears with the sound of his own cracking ribs. ?Stop! Wait!? He manages to say once the snake loosens her grip on him, if only for the moment. ?Please don?t kill me! We can?we can work something out!?

The snake silences Roe with a steady glare. ?Marten is not going to try and BARGAIN its way out thisss, are you?? A beat goes by until Azalea squeals in delight, ?Because Azalea loves it when beasssts try that! It can get ssso boring here. Oh! Oh! Oh oh oh! Riddlessss! Let?s try a riddle! Marten likes riddlesss, riiiiight??

?I do now!? The marten gulps, ?A-and you won?t kill me if I guess the riddle??

?Snakesss honor, I will not kill marten,? Azalea?s assures him, her grin as wide as a Cheshire Cat, ?But if you faaaaiiiil, I?m gonna snap your spine like a twig, M?kay?? Using her tail, she pats the marten on the head and begins her riddle. ?What livessss in the land of the looking glasss? There are feet, but no legss. There is a moon but no sstarsss. There is-?

?Double letters.? The marten says quickly.

?HA! You fool! The answer is-? Azalea pauses. Her eyes narrow as far as they can. ?You cheated.?

?I did not!?

?You sSSsoooooo cheated! CHEATEEEER! You?ve heard thisss riddle before!?

With a smug look the marten replies, ?Now, now, don?t try to wriggle your way out of this. A deal is a deal. You promised not to kill me if I got it right, and I won fair and square. Remember, snakes honor!?

Azalea?s growls, ?Fine. Have it your way.? However, instead of releasing the marten her coils only tighten around him.

?W-what are you doing? You promised to let me go!?

?You are missstaken marten, Azalea only agreed not to kill you, not eat you.? Roe?s eyes widen with horror. Before he can argue technicalities, Azalea begins to devour him?

?Alive.


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Character Name: Leota Nettlekin
Species: Squirrel
Age: 65
Gender: Female
Category: The Beast Who May or May Not Be Crazy

The pudgy wildcat with brass buttons and his assistant, a rat, sauntered down the dank, moldy underground halls of St. Alfie?s Home for Troubled Beasts. Screams echoed down the narrow passageway?s deteriorating brick walls. The proprietor, a toad, cracked his whip at the beasts behind the bars reaching out to touch the first company they had seen in months.

Some shrieked wildly and beat their heads. Others stared catatonically. A shrew repeated the word, ?fire?. An elderly mink dressed in a blue nightgown sucked her thumb and grasped a doll.

A young weasel pleaded with them. ?Take me! Please! You can kill me. Please, kill me!?

The wildcat snorted and rolled his eyes. ?I?m looking for a fighter . . . not a corpse.?

The rat echoed his master. ?Yeah! A fighter! ?Dis all ya got, Troggie? ?Cuz we ain?t buyin? it.?

The toad shrugged and motioned forward. They walked on. A lizard chewed his tail. A sparrow flew circles around a cramped cell. A mouse in a monk?s habit, shouted at them with wide-glowing eyes: ?Die, vermin! It is I, Martin the Warrior!?

The toad struck the mouse with his whip. The wildcat looked at the rat, rolled his eyes, and they turned around to leave. Then, a voice stopped them from the end of the hall.

?Yoo-hoo! Over here, dearies!?

An older, silver-tailed squirrel smiled. She put down her knitting and waved at them from her cell.
?Would you travelers care for some tea??

The toad pointed and nodded. The two approached the iron bars of the cell.

Her radiant smile glowed back at them, as she reached around the bars and effortlessly picked the lock with her knitting needle, swinging open the iron door for them. ?C?mon in, sweeties! I know you?ve come quite the way to see me. Don?t be shy. Let?s have a chat.?

They entered incredulously, as the toad motioned them in. The floor was carpeted with soft pelts. Hot coals sat glowing in the corner inside a stove made from broken bricks. A book sat open on a small table.

?Go on, sit down, sit down,? she smiled warmly. She pulled up seats for them, upholstered with handspun wildcat fur. The rat sat down -- and then quickly got up, startled, upon realizing the upholstery covered a sizable, polished badger skull.

?Oh, please don?t worry about Mrs. Malshazar,? the squirrel reassured him. ?She won?t mind. We were roommates for the longest time, we shared everything!? She laughed gaily. Her two guests took their seats as she set out two knitted doilies, followed by two bright white teacups. She poured a hot, dark liquid out of a kettle hand-painted with blue flowers.

The cat and the rat looked at one another.

The squirrel gently stirred a pink syrup into her own tea with a mouse femur. ?Now, I know what you?re here for, Lord Gildefang. You want a reliable, practical slave. And I want you to know, I?m simply delighted to join you. I will just need a few hours to pack up my things.?

She had many things to pack. Colorful sweaters in many sizes hung from the ceiling. Shelves, constructed from a mixture of mud and ribcages, covered one wall. Upon them sat plates and utensils and containers of herbs, as well as sculptures of nuts, trees, and a modest country house, all meticulously carved from bone. Knitted tapestries decorated the other walls, showing images of two older squirrels, six middle aged squirrels, twenty-four baby squirrels, and agrarian scenery.

?I believe Mr. Troggweb?s price for me is very reasonable, but I?m happy to demonstrate my housekeeping skills if you like . . .

The rat and the wildcat were staring at something else. Half a stoat sat in the corner. The blood was fresh.

?Oh, I?m so sorry! It must have been a long journey for you dears. Have you eaten??

?Ain?t hadda bite all day,? the rat grumbled in his master?s hearing.

The squirrel stood up. ?Oh, you poor dibbuns. Yes, of course. I can cook up Mr. Vleptzar for you if you like. He had the most delightful wild mushrooms growing in his cell to eat, so he?s quite tasty, not stringy like most of his kind.?

Revolted, the rat vomited onto the beaver pelt on the floor. The Wildcat handed a few silver coins to the toad before leaving.

?Deliver it tomorrow,? he growled.

?Look forward to getting to know each other better soon!? she yelled after them.



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Name: Kentigern MacRaff
Species: Highland Hare
Age: 26
Gender: Male
Category: Beast Who May Or May Not Be Crazy

The tarnished metal in Kentigern?s paws glimmered but faintly in the subdued flicker of candlelight. His eyes lingered on the medal for a moment before raising to look fondly at the young hare, legs dangling off the edge of the bed, perched before him. He offered her a small smile.

?See this medal?? he asked. ?This belonged tae yer gran. D?ye ken how she got it??

?Aye!? the young hare responded with a grin. ?She fought inna Black Siege of Sallymanderstone!?

Her enthusiasm solicited a fond chuckle from Kentigern. ?Aye, she sure did. She stood at the gates o? Salamandastron with th?auld badger laird and drove oot the haird o? Gardug the Beheader. Yore gran was a fearsome warrior? she slew dozens o? vermin that day, ?

He paused briefly, and placed a paw on her head. ?Ah haftae leave now.? He raised the medal with tender paws and pinned it to her dress. ?Here. Take this? yer a braw, bonny lass like yer gran, ?n she?d want ye tae have it.?

She looked at the medal, eyes wide, before frowning. ?But will ye nae come back home soon??

?Ach, ah cannae say fer sure, bairn,? he sighed. ?But when ah dae, ah?ll be comin? home wi? s?mah o? these, ah promise. Gae ta bed, now, lassie.? He gave her a final smile, before blowing out the candle and submerging the room in dark.

The door shut with a gentle sigh to echo Kentigern?s own melancholy exhalation. He paused for a moment to recollect himself.

?I don?t know just what you think you?re doing.? He looked up to meet a gaze simultaneously obdurate like the granite face of a mountain and piercing like twin daggers boring accusatorially into his skull. Behind the glare, his wife stood with her paws perched irately on her hips.

Kentigern greeted her with a disparaging smile. ?Bonnie, mah bonny lass. Ah dinnae think ye ken why yer so angry.?

At this statement, her glare only intensified. ?Oh, you?d best be believing I?m angry, Kentigern MacRaff, and I know full well why as well. And don?t expect find this door open when you come back.?

?Ach. Yer just?? he began.

?No,? she interrupted. ?What ?yer just? doing is leaving me and your dibbun to go on some wild crusade that nobody asked you to. What did these beasts do to you, anyway?? Her voice became tinged with a pleading note.

?Look, Bonnie,? said Kentigern. ?Ah ken ye were raised in Mossflower, and ah ken they see things different there. But ah also ken that ah?m of th?auldest highland warrior stock. Ah?ve got the blood o? justice running through mah veins.? He paused, eyes flaming like Hellgates. ?Ah cannae stand by while vermin are rewarded fair their evil. Y?ken the auld stories. Murder. Pillage. Burn. All the death and destruction in Mossflower, in the Northlands? it?s them.?

?Times have changed, Kenti. They aren?t like that anymore. When was the last time a horde even appeared? Seasons ago, before either of us were born.?

?That ain?t what yer ma woulda said. Ah ken she?d??

?My mother,? seethed Bonnie, ?was as crazy as you. Except she had an excuse.?

?Ain?t an excuse, lass. It?s th?braw sacrament o? th?North.?

She futilely shook her head in frustration. ?I?m sick,? she said, ?of your justification. Leave, if you want. If you come back, you?ll wish you died in that arena, I can guarantee you that.?

He nodded, and moved to grab his bag and claymore. As he brushed by his wife, he stopped to look at her one last time. ?They deserve this. Ah ken y?ken, tae.?

Her glare didn?t soften. ?Go.? As she uttered that single word, she resolutely turned her back to him.

Kentigern paused at the door. ?Tell Wee Bonnie tae be braw. Tell her that her pa?ll be home soon.? His plea was met with silence. ?Bonnie. Tell her.? Bonnie remained with her back to him. ?Please?? Again, he was overwhelmed by emptiness of the air. He bowed his head, and with a sigh he stepped out into the night and was swallowed by the dark.