I don't know much but I got feelings

[Sparrowhawk]

No, no, that wasn't an insult!

oh! oh good. Good to know you're at least somewhat grateful for the massive amount of time I put into making these beautiful masterworks for you. ;')

I like this interlude mostly for clearing stuff up a little about Damask's motivation in rescuing Deadtail. Don't know if I needed the exposition about Martin's Shadow's purpose, I felt I'd figured out as much about them being a group of ragged rebels or whatnot. I'm not THAT stupid you guys! :( well sometimes I am, but you know. Anyway at least now the path is clear for the two groups to collide, yes? hurray, on with the show!

Also it would be weird if they collide/interact while still on the water. I mean, I don't know, just because everyone thought this would be desert-themed...

[Sparrowhawk]

Bawdy tavern dirges floated up through the planks from the Mess

Not sure I've ever seen the word "bawdy" used to describe a dirge before, much less "tavern". First time for everything I guess! ;P

And yay, you've gone and moved the plot along! To shore, at least. Congratulations, I guess you can have points for that, incidental or not.

Interesting that Keane has taken such an interest in Rath in particular as a prospective customer. Why not Eliza or Revel or any other random crewbeast? Maybe he's not the mass-producing (or mass-distributing, I guess) sort, but anyway.

Keane would have said 'Pleased to meet you' in other circumstances, but just now, he felt terribly honest.

Noice.

All this was just enough for Venril to not feel like a total failure, but it really didn?t make up for the fact that his hordebeasts had pretty much just rushed into the settlement in a disorganized mob because he had taken too long to figure out whether he wanted them to ring out into a perimeter and close in or else cluster into a wedge formation for a more directed assault and they had just run out of patience.

WHOA THERE.

Seems like lots of telling going on in both Venril and Suellyn's posts - I understand we're trying to catch up to the "present" timeline, so to speak, but hm. (NOTE: I SAID THIS BEFORE IT WAS POPULAR. AND I DID NOT MAKE A BIG FUSS, GIVE ME CANDY)

"With stoat"? I really like that.

Also like the dialogue between Bellona, Damask, Sailpaw and Deadtail in the boat - it feels realistically snappy, as befitting a bunch of beasts who've been stuck in the same cramped vessel.

Deadtail seems awfully... thinky, for someone so set on surviving. I guess that's how he survives, but you'd think he'd have to revert to basic instinct at some point in the thick of a battle. Huh. In any case, the little italicized flashback thing near the end was strangely placed, and I didn't quite understand the paragraph near the end: waste his time where? I feel like the disdainful, almost superior sentiment doesn't really fit my vision of the character, but maybe I just don't have a handle on him yet.

Kind of wish he'd spent more time in the cave (mysterious paintings, ooooooh!), but it's all right.

FINAL EDIT: Rath is the new adorable! ... Revel was the old one, I guess. Oh fine they can both adorable, in their separate ways. He's like a little kid: "Can I help with dinner mom? PLEEEEEEZ"

[Sparrowhawk]

OKAY OKAY Venril, might as well come clean. I voted for you the first week, sorry. :S Not due to any specific wrongdoing on your part - really, for no other reason besides the fact that I happened to care about the other characters more than you. The Pok?mon reference just might save you this time, though. ;P

Giving a frustrated sigh, the stoat got out from under the blanket, and put everything back into his rucksack after getting dressed.

Sometimes, your sentences feel like they could be rearranged, trimmed, or tweaked just slightly to be more readable. Like this one, it would look infinitely smoother and prettier (to me) if you'd said he dressed himself and then repacked his rucksack, or something to that effect. Also I like it better when the verb is written directly ("sighed" instead of "gave a sigh", "snarled" instead of "gave a snarl"). Maybe these aren't exactly a vote-worthy shortcomings, but nonetheless...

And man, I still dunno about the time passage, or even the general "action" bits of this post. I understand, again, that you have to cover some ground to catch up, but the description of the earthquake in particular sounds almost clinical.

In other news, I kind of really like the re-appearance of Venril's latent envy of Verand. It would be totally awesome if he pulled a Cheesethief or something similar. No idea what you have planned, but I'd run with that relationship if I were you.

The rumbling spread spiderweb fissures began to appear in the ceiling of the gave.

Okay, I won't pick on you for this one. ;)

[Sparrowhawk]

Bumping this thread because I don't know where else to say:

Who the sands do you think you are, Littlebrush? Sir Rolin Waneroar?

YESSSSS.

[Bellona Littlebrush]

*grin* Glad you liked that, sir.