Oh! Oh! Oh! ...I mean, Ho! Ho! Ho!

[Opal]

One of the contestants told me to anonymously post this up for them. And of course, I was busy and kept forgetting. But I finally remembered! And so, without further ado, I give you (well, someone else does, technically) the RedVenture 5 Christmas Special!




===


Lady Tara Starblade pounded angrily on her desk. ?No, no, NO!?

?What?? said Revel.

Tara sighed. ?Look. This is supposed to be a nativity play, right? That means it?s a play about the nativity.?

Revel nodded.

?It?s supposed to take place in, like, the first century.?

Revel nodded again.

?So?? said Venril.

?So they didn?t have Minivans in the first century!?

Revel looked unimpressed. ?How?re we supposed to get t?Bethlehem, then??

?You?re supposed to ride on a donkey!?

?But we don?t have a donkey!? Venril whined.

?Yes you do,? said Tara. ?It?s right there.?

Tara pointed to a shuffling grey lump that looked like a gray blanket with an Eeyore mask taped on.

?Baah! I?m in the story!? said Birch.

?This is stupid!? said Deadtail, from off-stage.

Tara clutched her head in both hands.

?And donkeys don?t say ?Baaah!??

The Eeyore masked lifted up long enough for Birch to make a ?Pthbbbb!? sound with her tongue.

?Whatever!? said Tara. ?We don?t have time for this stuff, guys! It?s almost Christmas, and they?re expecting us to put on a show! Now, can we please get on with it??

?I still don?t see why we can?t have a Minivan,? Venril pouted.

?I already told you why! Now, Revel, get on the donkey!?

Revel did. The donkey collapsed into a sad puddle of grey fabric.

?Mush!? yelled Revel, whipping at the flattened donkey. It didn?t move.

Vernil stared. ?Umm... I think Birch might be dead.?

?It?s a Christmas miracle!? Eliza chirped from the wings.

?She?ll be fine,? Tara snapped. ?We?ll just skip the introduction and go straight to the inn scene. Suellyn, Baez, are you ready??

?Ready!? Suellyn called.

The curtain rose, revealing a cardboard cutout of an inn. Tara gawked, instantly regretting appointing Baez to be in charge of painting the sets. Due to his cycloptic lack of depth perception, Revel and Venril were now approaching the ?Belthehelem nIn,? which appeared to have been painted to resemble a coffee-stained zebra. Suellyn and Baez stood behind the desk, looking hospitable.

Venril knocked on the inn door. It fell over.

?Umm,? said Venril.

?Come on in!? Suellyn said warmly.

?Umm, my pregnant wife and I, we need a room for the night,? said Venril, scratching his head.

?Of course!? said Baez. ?We can set thee up in a wonderful suite, complete with a bed for thy infant.?

?For free, too!? Suellyn added.

?STOP!? howled Tara. ?That?s not what you?re supposed to say! You?re supposed to say...? Tara began leafing through a dog-eared script. ?Ah! Here we are. You say... ?Hey, you filthy kids! Gerrout of here, we don?t like your kind around these parts!?

?Oh, but we wouldn?t do that,? said Sue. ?We would make room for a pregnant lady.?

?No, you wouldn?t!? Tara thundered, pounding the desk. Hot chocolate spilled everywhere. ?Now make them sleep in the stable.?

?But,? the hogwife pleaded, tears beading in her eyes, ?Couldn?t they have our room, and we can sleep in the stable instead? She?s pregnant!?

?NO!?

?Err...? Baez stammered. ?Lo, thee... er, filthy... er, wastrels. Get thee out of here, we find thee abhorrent.?

?Please?? Venril whined. ?Couldn?t we stay somewhere??

Baez sighed, and attempted to dismissively wave a paw. ?Thee may, sleep in our stable, if thou so wishest.?

?Wishest? was not a word, but Tara couldn?t summon the wherewithal to argue the point. Revel and Venril were begrudgingly shown to the stable.

?Okay,? said Tara. ?Now, the shepherds come in. Rath, Keane, are you ready??

?Almost!? Keane hollered from the wings.

?Wait,? said Venril. ?They can?t come in! We haven?t had the baby yet!?

?Yes you have,? Tara said evenly. ?We just glossed over that bit, to keep the play PG.?

?But the manger?s empty!?

Tara clutched her head again. ?Just pretend there?s a baby, Venril!?

?But there isn?t one.?

?That?s why you?re pretending!? Tara exploded. ?Besides, I couldn?t find anyone willing to put on a diaper and get into the manger.?

?Ooh! Ooh! Me! I?ll do it!? Birch yelled, waving a paw.

?NO!? Tara yelled. ?You?re a donkey. You can?t be a baby, too!?

Birch pouted.

Revel raised a claw. ?I could lend you a baby, then there?d be one.?

?We?re not having your babies in here again, Revel! Last time they tried to eat one of the stagehands!?

?Poor Tishka,? said Venril, miserably.

?Never mind about Tiskha. Okay, shepherds! Come in!?

Rath and Keane tottered onstage, their eyes as wide as saucers.

?Duuuuuuuuuuuuuude,? said Keane. ?You, like, wouldn?t even believe what we just saw!?

?Snrk!? said Rath, and engaged in a staring contest with the back of his paw.

?Wait wait wait,? said Tara. ?Keane, what?s that powder on your paws? Have you guys been...?

?Yup!? Keane beamed. ?We were... whatchacall... method acting. We really wanted to see the angels.?

Tara slapped her empty hot chocolate cup off of the desk. ?Balm doesn?t make you see angels!?

?Nope! It makes you see angles, though!? the wildcat giggled. ?Lots of angles! Obtuse angles... right angles... left angles... li?l golden triangles...?

?Those were Doritos, Keane,? said Rath.

Keane giggled. ?They tasted like purple!?

?Do you have any hamburgers?? Rath asked politely.

?NO! Go stand over there by Revel and Venril!? Tara, who had been wondering all afternoon where her chips had gone, watched the pair totter over to center stage, when it occurred to her that something was missing from the backdrop. ?Where?s Damask? He was supposed to be on stage ten minutes ago!?

?He?s sulking in his dressing room,? Deadtail reported. ?He doesn?t like his part.?

?Tough toenails!? Tara snapped. ?We?ve all got to be a part of this, and he?s the only one who can fly!?

There was much heated discussion backstage, and only after Deadtail promised Damask that Eliza would kiss him in Act II (unbeknownst to Eliza, mind you) did the robin stump moodily onto the stage. The robin was covered with flour, and little whisps of it continually drifted up from his plumage.

?I still want to be a Wise Man,? the robin groused.

?You can?t be a Wise Man. We?ve already got three!?

Damask raised a chalky wing. ?But I still don?t see why we even need to have a Star of Bethlehem! I don?t even have lines anymore!?

Tara pinched the bridge of her nose, sighing deeply. Damask had originally been one of the script writers, but he?d tried to do the whole thing in couplets, and none of the cast could say the word ?Hark!? without giggling. Another bone of contention had come when Tara decided to edit out a twenty-four verse aria of the Star singing about how cold it was out in space.

?Damask... please? Just this one run-through??

?Fine,? the robin sulked, and flapped listlessly up to the top of the stable.

?Okay,? said Tara. ?Mary and Joseph are in the stable, cooing over baby Jesus.?

?Invisible baby Jesus,? Venril sulked, contriving to stroke thin air.

??e can do that,? Revel nodded. ?Turn invisible, b?cos he?s Jesus.?

Tara frowned. ?...Anyway, in come the Three Wise Men, bearing gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh.?

Onto the stage trotted Bellona and Eliza, wearing dented crowns. Somebeast had attempted to paint over the ?Burger King? logo, but the red letters still showed through.

?Wait!? bellowed Tara. ?There are supposed to be three of you! Where?s Deadtail??

?He deserted,? said Bellona.

Tara spluttered, even though this shouldn?t have been a surprise. Deadtail, a born deserter of tragic failures, had only shown up to rehearsal once, and even then he?d claimed to have left the frankincense in his car. ?What??

?I?ll be a third Wise Man!? howled Birch, but nobody noticed.

?Eliza was going to leave too,? Bellona piped up. ?But she didn?t trust us not to steal the gold she brought for props.?

The pine marten glared at her. ?Father lent it to me! And, anyway, so were you! But you wanted to stay and make sure nothing tragic happened to Damask when the pyrotechnics start.?

?Well, it?s too late now!? Venril cried, coming in from backstage. ?The Baron and Stonewall are guarding the doors, so nobody can get in or out!?

?Venril, you jerk!? said Tara. ?I can?t believe you tried to desert! You said you were just going to the bathroom!?

?We?re all doomed,? said Damask, staring morosely at the pyrotechnics display.

Eliza stared sadly at her footpaws. ?I guess that makes Deadtail the wisest Wise Man.?

Bellona nodded. ?He was also the only one who was actually a man.?

Eliza?s brow raised, and she started to say something incredibly insulting, but was interrupted by Tara. ?Whatever, we can still do this with only two Wise... err... women. The Bible?s not actually specific about how many there were, anyway. Go give the baby your gifts.?

The Wise Women obligingly placed their gifts in the manger. One of them began to instruct the invisible baby about how he?d better not lose that gold, or else her Father would become very, very upset, and have him hanged. The other one kicked her.

Then there was a single moment of beautiful silence. Then somebeast yelled: ?Oh no!?

It was Revel, staring into the trough. She gave Eliza an angry shove.

?What?s your problem?? the pine marten demanded.

?Look! You dropped your gold right on the baby! Now he?s squished!?

Venril pointed at Eliza in horror. ?You killed Jesus!?

?At least he?ll smell nice,? Bell put in, gesturing at the myrrh.

?I did not kill Jesus!? Eliza protested. ?There?s nothing in the manger! Umm... except gold. And a really leaky bottle of myrrh.? The pine marten sniffed. ?Wait! That?s not myrrh! That?s my perfume! Bell, you wretch!?

Bellona grinned.

?Do you have any idea how much time I spent looking for that??

?None,? Damask piped up. ?You made me and Venril look for it, while you sat in your dressing room and supervised.?

?Yes, well,? Eliza said. Her crown fell over her eyes. She pushed it back up, huffing, ?And what kind of stupid gifts are these to give a baby, anyway? It?s December, and we?re in a stable! You?d think he?d want a blanket, or something!?

?He could sleep under the gold, maybe,? Venril suggested.

?If it hadn?t squished him,? Revel added, solemnly.

?Okay,? Tara interrupted. ?You?ve given him the gifts, and you?re all happy and stoked that you?ve found the baby... Joseph! Stop staring amorously at the Wise Man!?

Eliza blushed.

?Alright, now, all we have to do is the closing song.?

?Song?? everybeast chorused.

?Hooray!? Damask added quietly.

Tara blew up. ?Yes, the song! We?ve always had a song! It?s how the nativity always ends! What?d you think they would do? Just kind of hang around, make awkward conversation, and the leave before Herod shows up??

?I wanna play Herod!? Birch yelled.

?Herod?s not in the play!? Tara snapped. ?He?s just kind of a vague threat that everybody acknowledges, and doesn?t do anything about.?

?Like global warming!? chirped Revel.

?No, Herod actually existed,? Damask pointed out.

?Shut up! All of you shut up! Just sing the stupid song, and let?s get out of here.?

And so, they sang. It was a marvellous song, about how wonderful the Christmas season is, when people are nice to one another, and they give presents. It talked about presents, and crackling fires, and food, and family time, and there were bits about Jesus in, too. It seems reasonable to conclude that at least one of the cast members was singing their own version of the lyrics, but, if so, nobody took notice. It was that kind of song. And the last notes were sung, and they trouped off the stage, and the lights went down.

That night, as Tara locked up, she smiled. Christmas, the real Christmas, was not like songs. The food was not always good, and people were not always nice, especially when they were Christmas shopping. But it was, in its own way, merry.

?Merry Christmas, Tara,? said The Baron.

?Merry Christmas,? said Tara. It was actually was.

And that was that.

Merry Christmas. 

[Jarrtail]

Ah, this is hilarious and touching at the same time. Poor Birch just wants to be in the story...

[Suellyn]

awww loveitloveitloveit

*Hugs Baez and breaks out into 'Sweet Lil' Jesus Boy'*

". . . our eyes was blind. We could not see. We didn't know who you was."

[Cricket Argyll]

Hah! This is great! My hat's off to whichever venturer wrote this. I especially like the global warming bit. XD Happy holidays one and all!

[Magical Fish]

This made my Christmas a little more magical! Thanks for the laughs and the warm fuzzy feeling at the end, whoever wrote it!