Teenycontest 2 CLOSED

[multiplemint]

Teeny-Contest 2
Start:
0000 US Eastern, Wednesday 4th March 2020
End:
2359 US Eastern, Sunday 8th March 2020



TOPIC

Northern Lights
historic fantasy || characterisation
A character sees Aurora Borealis for the first time. They don't have any frame of reference for it. What is their reaction, and what do they believe the Aurora to be?

Word Limit:
Up to 1000 - but shorter entries get an edge.



JUDGING

Judges:
multiplemint/Tibs

As opposed to the last one, where I was looking for concrete, sense-based descriptions, this time I want wonder. Or fear. Or faith. Or distrust. Does the character think these are, literally, the Hellgates in the sky? Is she simply besotted by the beauty of it? Is it a distraction to a sailor, or the inspiration for her next painting. Get me in her head.

Cobb

I'm looking for some vivid descriptions, as well as the emotional impact the aurora has on the character. Remember, this character has no frame of reference for it, and has never heard of it before. What do they think it is? What can they compare it to? Don't forget to include how it makes them feel, and what they're going to do about it.

Abrahem

The judges' paragraphs on what they are looking for will be posted ASAP. Figured I'd get the main post up first.



HOW TO APPLY

You don't need to pre-register or anything - Teenycontests are meant to be quick, easy, fun and optional.

Step 1: Write your entry.

Step 2: DM it to ALL THREE judges (all three judges names above are actually hyperlinks that link through to the Send A DM To This Person screen). You can send it as full text in a DM or an access link to a Google Document, your choice.

Step 3: Wait!

This Teenycontest is closed! We've got two entries to share with y'all, so the judging should be up soon.

[Twyla]

Sorry I forgot to mark mine as the teeny contest. It just says Ash. Oops! ;D

[Cobb]

Less than twenty four hours to get your entries in! It's been quiet this week!

[Rascal]

Lol XD

At least 10 of our writers are probably swamped with the contest :3

I'll see if I can dish something out later tonight ._.

[multiplemint]

You're right, it is a great way to suss out who's in the 10 and who's not...

[Cobb]

Only a few hours left and there haven't been many entries!

[multiplemint]

Actual entries and whatnot will be posted after the contest ends (which will be soon). In the meantime, I thought I'd use this as a chance to do further fleshing out of the Bisé/Floris story, with this entry being a bit of a prequel, from back when they both were teenage apprentice deckhands.

Written in ~80 minutes and not really edited, so sorry in advance:



[spoiler]"'S hours before sunup, Bee."‌ Floris's voice came out thick and groggy, as if it were slower to wake than her heavy plodding limbs. "What is it?"

"Just come on. You have to see it to believe it."

Almost two seasons they'd been bunkmates, and the fledgling's infectious energy still veered wildly between an endearing quirk and an outright menace to sleep and focus.  The mouse yawned again, biting back a cough as the night air sent barbs into back of her throat. Even here, below decks the near-frozen sea around them seemed a living thing, a giant parasite leeching the warmth from the timbers and any beast within them. They were further north than they'd ever been, according to the inexplicably chipper bird that waddled along beside her, driven off-course by threatening winds.

Her eyes were arrow-slits, barely open, shooting a glare a the bird. "'s late. No. 'S early. What. Is it."

"Come on,"‌ Bisé replied in a singsong, dipping her head down to peer at eye-level with her mouse companion, "we're almost to the deck, then you can see for yourself."

It was only one more turn and they reached the stairs to above-deck. Despite being barely an adult herself, Floris' knees complained in sympathy with the wooden stairs. She gave the hatch a shove and–

Shielded her eyes?

A brightness exploded above her, a riot of colors, as if a painter tossed his palette into the air and then set it ablaze. She gasped, so distracted that the frigid, charged air did nothing to shake her from her wonder.

Paw over aimless paw led her to the ship's rail, and a gentle wing kept her from pitching headfirst over it.

"Hell's teeth, Bee..."

They moved! The colors shifted, always seeming to dance away just as they came in focus. First a bright green, fresh and delicate as the spring sprouts of her childhood garden. That soon shifted to a blue. But not wine-dark as the abyss they gently bobbed on. No, this was bright as the green before it. Like a cloudless summer sky. And then, there! Sharp pinks and reds burst in, looking for all the world like beets and peaches burst upon the sky together, juices splashed above, blotting out the very stars.

"Still think it's not worth it, Flo?"

With a flap, Bisé launched herself into the colors, an inky shape darting across them. Floris's eyes were drawn to the movement, watching as her friend seem to dance between the harpoons of light that pierced the heavens. The blues and greens and red reflected off her feathers' sheen, making colors burst across her. The night sky of her plumage made garish like the real one behind her. She swooped higher, playing with the otherworldly lights; her laugh echoed about them, bounced back from the very sea and filling the night air. Floris found herself mesmerized.

"It's. I've never seen anything..."

"What d'you think it is?" Bisé called down from above. "Can't seem to touch it. Seems just as far away from up here, really."

Floris didn't reply at first, then sank to the deck with a turn, leaning her back against the railing. Bisé alighted before her.

"I don't know. Some kind of magic mayhaps?‌ Ghosts. The dark forest itself," she replied, quickly adding: "Did you... come straight to get me when you spotted this?"

"Of course!" Bisé reached out and gave her a pat on the shoulder. "I've never seen anything like this, so I thought you should, too. Think it's like wisps?‌ We had wisps down south and they'd show up sometimes and you knew not to follow them. Well, it wasn't much of a problem for me, as I could just fly up an– oomph!"

Floris darted forward, pulling the bird into a tight hug. Tiny tears-turned-sleet bit at the corners of her eyes. "Thank you," she whispered under her breath.

"Uh... Flo?"

"Thank you, Bee." Floris was silent for a beat before continuing. "It's been a hard season, and sometimes you don't know how to stop running your beak, and you make me crazy, and I miss home, and the captain has gotten nastier every time we get delayed, and I just..." she trailed of, burying herself in the newly-dark plumage of the bird. "Thank you. For this. I've never really had a... a friend."

For once, Bisé stayed quiet. She wrapped a wing about Floris, keeping the mouse close to the still-fluffed down of her chest, and let her work through a season's worth of frustrations in great, heaving, near-silent sobs.

The pair stayed like that for a short while.

"Hey, Bee?"

"Hmm?"

"Let's head back to our cabin."

"Sure thing, Flo."

"Hey, Bee?"

"Hmm?"

"Thanks. Again. Really."[/spoiler]

[multiplemint]

Entry #1 -- Masika:

"Daddy! Daddy! Come quick!"

Grissom rushed out of his den, sword drawn. "What, sweetheart?! What's wrong?!"

"Look daddy!" the kit said, pointing to the sky.

The snow fox looked to where his daughter pointed, and was amazed to see two beautiful ribbon of light dancing in the sky, constantly changing colors. "Whoa..."

"It's pretty..."

"Yeah..."

"What is it, daddy?"

"...I...I don't know... I've never seen anything like it before..."

"Really?!" the kit gasped. "...Maybe there's other worlds in there!"

Grissom chuckled. "Other worlds? I don't think so, sweetie."

"Maybe it's Dark Forest!"

The snow fox looked to his kit in surprise. "Dark Forest?"

"Yeah. You said when beasts die, they go up into the sky! 'Member?"

I did tell her that... Grissom remembered. "Ya know Brynn, I think you might be right. I think it might be the spirits of fallen warriors, putting on a show fer us."

"Do you think Mommy is up there?"

Grissom went quiet. Runan had died two seasons ago, having caught some bad disease that the family knew no cure for. She'd been sick for a long time, but the harsh winter mixed with her illness had been too much for her.

"Daddy?"

"Yeah...yeah, I think she's up there. And she's saying hello to us right now."

Brynn's eyes widened, and the two proceeded to watch the lights in quiet awe.

Comments:


Tibs: I liked that you included two vastly different possible perspectives to the event, but I would've loved to have seen that pushed further. A kit seeing something that amazing for the first time and an adult seeing it will experience it differently. Also, they're arctic foxes and he's written as an adult: has he really never seen one before? It might be worth exploring both how he feels now and remembering how he felt back when he first saw it. Also, pay attention to implied tone. A kid seeing something exciting and a kid seeing something terrifying sound very different; I read the first line as the former. He would have no reason to rush to the rescue if his kid is just amazed at something. Maybe have him wearily slump his way outside, since the average 5-6 year-old gets excited about everything (and, as any other parents in here can attest, it can get tiring).

"...Maybe there's other worlds in there!" -- someone's read some Phillip Pullman!

I like that you made it personal for them, and can definitely see it being a touchstone for their remembrance and honor of their mother going forward.

Most of all, I just want more! I realize brevity is the soul of both wit and these contests, but don't feel like you need to rush to an ending. Take some time to examine these characters and setting that you've crafted for us.

Cobb: Wow! Way to go for the heartstrings, there. I'm a sucker for that sort of thing, so I liked the direction you were taking this scene. That said, I wish there was more to it! I know the point of these is to practice writing succinctly, but I feel that there would have been an even bigger emotional impact if we had had a bit more story.

This is one of my weaknesses, so a bit of the pot calling the kettle black situation, but you could have used a bit more sentence variation. Fortunately, the way to improve on that is by practice, which you are already doing! Also, finding someone who is good at that to help you and suggest edits can be a big help.

Overall, you ticked all the boxes I was looking for in the contest, I just wish there had been more of everything. More description, more emotional heartstring tugging, more story. I want to know these beasts and their world more - and that's what every author should be striving for!

Abrahem: (comments sent via PM)



Entry #2 -- Twyla:

The battle was over. The soldiers, mainly weasels, were gathered around the fire, keeping warm and telling stories, while stew and merriment were plentiful. Ash, however, had taken up watch as the night fell upon the land, and the wind blew even colder upon the North.

"Hey Newby!"

It was the other guard.

"You weasel! What's your name?"

This question shocked her. The sun was setting fast now.

"I'm Ash. Who's asking?"

"Just me, Lance."

"Oh, I saw you. You were that boy who hit the bull's eye"

"Yeah. I have something to show you. Just wait!"

The moon came up as a small sliver of light. It was soon drowned out as the sky burst into color. There were blues and greens of all shades, and it was by far the most beautiful thing Ash had ever seen.

"What is it?" She said.

"There are many stories. I think it's a river of light, made to guide the lost souls of the fallen, bringing them to their place in the universe. Sometimes I wonder if I have brought someone to the river myself."

A silence settled between the two weasels, and the sounds of the world flooded in as both reflected on the battle. The river of light seemed to cast that effect on the world, a calm silence. The noise soon ceased as the camp slumbered, and the fires burned low.

"I like that idea. Maybe the river can guide our souls, Lance."

"One can hope."

"Then let's do just that."

And the two sat, and thought, and hoped. Maybe it was the start of something new. Maybe it would grow. Maybe it was peace.

Comments:

Tibs: There are a few lines that stood out to me as feeling almost too modern? "Hey Newby" (which I assume is an alternate spelling of 'newbie'), specifically.

I enjoyed the pace of this entry most of all. It felt like a post-battle moment of respite. It took the time to describe it in some detail, and a lot of the dialogue was short and clipped, like people who want to enjoy the quiet they've earned. The final line especially resonated with me: "And the two sat, and thought, and hoped. Maybe it was the start of something new. Maybe it would grow. Maybe it was peace." It has a great cadence to it. The choice of short sentences and repetition makes us slow down as readers.

Like I commented on the entry above, mostly I'd like a little more to them. They're strangers, sure, so I don't expect a connection or backstory, but put us in one or both of their heads. You describe Lance as a 'boy' (also, watch out for using human-coded language -- 'lad' might be better here), so I assume he's young. How does the fact that he just killed people, maybe for the first time, affect his mental state. Does it bring solace to think this might be giving rest to comrades and maybe the beasts they killed? Do they imagine themselves ending up there, as well. (Yes, you tell us that for both, but show us. Give us more details!)

Final note: "bulls-eye" is usually only used to describe target practice. I'd assume she meant more... he landed a good shot during the battle.

Cobb: I loved your descriptions in this! I think my favorite was, "The moon came up as a small sliver of light." Your choice of setting was very important to this prompt, and I think you chose wisely. It's likely that anybeast living in the Arctic Circle would have seen the aurora their whole lives, so choosing somebeast that is there for the first time worked very well.

It's clear from your sentence structures that you have a wonderful imagination and a pretty good grasp on language flow. Just be careful that you don't let your sentences get away from you. Some of that can be fixed by a better attention to grammar mistakes. This sentence, in particular, stood out to me: The soldiers, mainly weasels, were gathered around the fire, keeping warm and telling stories, while stew and merriment were plentiful. Also, make sure to read your finished draft one last time. You had one paragraph that contradicted itself. Reading out loud can change how you see your own writing.

Overall, this was a great entry. I felt immersed in Ash and Lance's world. Keep a lookout for grammar mistakes, and get someone else to look over it. A computer spelling and grammar check will catch a lot, but it won't catch everything. Keep up the good work!

Abrahem: (comments sent via PM)

[multiplemint]

My forgetfulness knows no bounds! Waycaster sent me his entry through the discord and I promptly forgot about it! So, here it is!



Entry #3: Waycaster

"I told you that the North was a place of wonders." Matoya smirked as Thordan gazed up into the skies.

The otter was amazed  -  it did not take long for Thordan to realise that himself. It seemed that the sky was torn apart by a light of sorts. A light, yes. That would be the best way to put it. But no normal light it was! Blue and green danced together in the skies, resulting in a turquoise glow that shook the world below. Fraying like a leaf in the gale, the lights moved, slowly yet elegantly, as if the heavens were split by some gateway.

"I never said that coming here was -" Thordan said softly, before he realised that the ratmaid was talking about something else. "And yes, I suppose you are correct. Place of wonder, totally not a waste of time, et cetera et et cetera."

"Come on!" the Thaumaturge smirked. "You have to appreciate the beauty of nature once or twice! Reach for Conjuration and take a look."

With a flash Thordan's astrolabe appeared, cards fluttering around it in a circle. He could not access Conjuration without it. Ignoring the weapon-of-sorts, Thordan seized the Blessing from within, delving deep into it, hoping to find something.

He failed and turned to his mentor. "Nothing there. Would that be a Thaumaturgy thing?"

"No." Matoya shook her head. "This phenomenon is totally natural."

"Oh?" Thordan was shaken. Perhaps the ratmaid knew. After all, she was not from this world. "How does it work?"

"No idea." Matoya shrugged. "Never paid much attention in class. Something about electric charges, I guess."

"Ele-what?"

Matoya winked at Thordan. "I'm not exactly in the mood to explain scientific stuff to you. Maybe after all the weird magic stuff has been taught, and if I do not get driven mad by it."

"And perhaps more?" It took two seconds and a sideways glance from Matoya for Thordan to know that he had overstepped. Blast this mind of mine!

But the ratmaid was not offended at all, or so it seemed. "You're just like Tancred."

"Who?"

"An old friend of mine. Fun guy. Hopelessly lovesick. Loves to say the word 'useless' a lot."

"Did he teach you anything, Matoya?" Thordan asked.

"Not really. He led me on missions and bought me candied chestnuts."

"He doesn't seem useless to me." Thordan smiled. "That's what he would say, right?"

"Yeah." Matoya grinned until she looked up. "Hey! The lights are gone! Blast!"

Thordan suppressed a laugh. "That doesn't make our journey here useless, huh?"

Matoya sighed. "Yep. You really are like him."

Comments:

Cobb: First off, I loved your descriptions of the aurora. You had the most creative comparisons of the bunch. I liked the concept of having one of your characters be from a more advanced world; it allowed for some explanations and terminology that wouldn't normally be seen in the Redwall-verse.

This was a polished and well put-together entry into the contest. Only one SPAG error really jumped out at me; so good job on that front. However, I was left confused about some parts. I appreciate that you were dropping us into the middle of a story, but I really did feel like I was missing parts of it. If we're going to jump into the middle of a scene, the rest of it should be revealed somehow. This part in particular raised some questions for me: before he realised that the ratmaid was talking about something else. What else was she talking about?

Overall, a really great scene. You had interesting characters, good pacing, and unique descriptions. Well done!

Tibs: So, after doing a little research, it appears that these two are from another story of yours, which. Awesome! Glad to see you're bringing them into these contests. However, it comes with a big caveat: you've been writing these characters for a while and know their story and personalities intimately. We don't have that. Like Cobb pointed out, the opening was confusing, because they were referencing situations that we have no reference to. Remember to approach a stand-alone like this as a complete outsider who knows nothing about the world or characters. And, you never know, approaching it with a fresh perspective might also do a good job at finding things that need editing anyway.

That being said, I really enjoyed both the description of the aurora itself and the reaction it drew out of Thordan. There's an old Arthur C. Clarke saying that, to paraphrase, says: any sufficiently advanced technology might as well be magic. Well, here, you get both. Actual magic, and then a shock when he discovers it's a natural occurrence. I'm always extremely intrigued by the intersection of magic and technology and how they both might play off of each other and influence the other. I hope if you dip into this world again you'll keep that in mind. It's very interesting!

My favorite phrase(s) from it was definitely " Fraying like a leaf in the gale, the lights moved". What a great image of how the aurora's ribbons meld and pull apart.