That’s a rock, err, animal fact! Reviews with Tibs

[multiplemint]

Or, rather, an animal fact!

(Apologies in advance if these are a bit of a mess, because most of them were done late at night while I was distracted by podcasts and disco music. As usual, these are all opinions, yada yada. Also most of the animal facts were dug up with more than just Baby's First Wikipedia Visit, but if my research is bad, I'll take my lumps, just yell at me about it.)

Marunae:

Lucky! Winner by default! Still, this is one of the strongest apps in the contest, in my opinion. As the discord chat bantered about, the language barrier could've been a little clearer.

"They saved their tree, and built a shelter on the opposite riverbank, and she showed him how to fight with stave and sword, and he showed her the fireflies he had trained to fly about and look like the night sky and cluster wherever he was so that she would know where to find him."

I would've chopped this sentence up a smidge.

Overall, a really good, solid, cute app. I do have a process question: if the tree was almost washed away before, why is it not really washed away, now, 16 seasons later, if the flooding is only getting worse?

Fun animal fact! Fireflies love moist climates, so in a fun way, the troubles of the north only make them happier. Go Heron! Colonize the world with your bug friend!

Emmathea:

Possibly the best fight scene I've seen written in an app... at the expense of a lot of characterization. It does a great job of immersing me, which I've harped about before being something I look for, but it keeps Emma at arms' length. Even if she doesn't absorb something from the beast she kills, like the app implies, it's pretty clear the type of prey you seek as your first kill shows your personality. Are you after glory? Power? A test of wits? So, in a roundabout way, we see that her "gaining" determination was just who she is all along.

But "determined" isn't really much of a character to work off of? She's got a little bit of self-deprecation in the beginning, but we're not given much more. Put her in a social situation, if you get in, so that we can see more personality - or how little she fits in with society as a whole.

Fun animal fact! If I have to guess at the animals mentioned here, I'd say... great-horns = moose (yikes), sharp-maws = polar or grizzly bears (yikes), short-horned deer = probably a mule deer (not too yikes, honestly), the behemoth she fights = a wood bison (holy yikes). Even young bison outweigh moose by a bit, so hopefully your clan is hungry!

Bahto:

Bahto balances things more than Emma did. We get some lore through the ritual. We get some action. We're shown the relationships between the packmembers. (It's a little, uhhh, unusual for folks living in harsh conditions to engage in bloodsport for fun when times are rough, but we'll just sweep that under the big rug marked "lore" because old rituals die hard.)

So, let me digress for a moment to discuss the pack, with the help of:
A mid-review fun wildlife fact! So, the idea of an "alpha male grr tough guy" is probably not actually a thing in wild wolves. It happens in dogs, and was observed in wolves in a captive group. And, later, we found out that it only happened that way because they were captive. In the wild, they take on much more of a caretaker role.

Which is why I really, really wish you hadn't used that term, because I feel Bahto does a great job of showing us what a good alpha is supposed to be. An old wolf alpha can keep the pack in line and showing respect basically until they're unfit to hunt (goes for male and female) and often through being caring. So him being in worse shape, but still respected, is a good way to show this. It's touching! It's thoughtful! I just wish you hadn't brought up "alpha = strong" earlier, because I feel it undercuts that (doubly so in a tight-knight sentient group like that, where a strongarm leader will usually get removed). Seriously, google "Wolf 21M". You'll thank me. He's great.

My only other issue is in the framing method of his beliefs. I get that it sets a certain tone, but I'm just personally not a fan of "bonk, here I will narrate you directly a thing". Trust your audience more! We'll pick up on it!

(Oh, by the way, you're guilty of this, too, a little, Emma. You couched it in the Grandmother-lore-flashbacks, but that second one especially was "bonk, see, now she's determined like the bison", and we didn't need it, in my opinion.)

Overall, though, I feel like Bahto and Emma are two similar takes and it comes down to which one gripped you better: the interpersonal relationship of the pack and Bahto's views on it or the struggle against nature (and action writing skill) of Emma.

Wilder:

A quick note to all beast masters: I feel you had an... interesting conundrum. There was a lot of talk on here and in the discord about what species were sentient and not and which were viable for the contest and not. While I normally enjoy apps that push the boundaries of their categories, I also think you need to thread the needle on what your abilities can do within that boundary.

On to Wilder. This app is all humor. Clearly you've grasped that a sad sack can be funny, but I wish it was a little clearer. Wilder seems to be a trainee beastmaster who's just normally terrible at his job, and trying to use his alliance (?) with the gator to win them all over. But, unlike in the other apps, you don't make it clear if Kwetzl is actually sentient or not. Is he just actually conversing with Wilder and it's a scam? Are Wilder (and by extension the other beastmasters) the only ones able to talk to him? "The skunk incident" is mentioned... are skunks now no longer sentient, too, or did Wilder just make some dude mad and got sprayed? I know it's peppered in for humor (and listing how hapless he is does get that across), but I worry it undercuts the world you're trying to build.

As others have mentioned, the accent work is a little rough. It comes across like a cartoon ogre more than a thick bayou accent (which him being kind of slow to the ruse doesn't help). I'm also a little curious how a swamp-dweller made its way up to a desert estuary? But eh, I suppose if he is sentient, he's just got a little wanderlust (or looking for new worshippers, maybe?).

Overall, it's an app that leans on the humor and ineptitude of the character and mostly works.

Fun animal fact ti~ime (a two-fer!): Cactus mice are crazy nocturnal, even sometimes being less active during full moons because of their brightness. Despite some readers' worries about taking Kwetzal with him, American alligators can even survive in water that's started to freeze over. Not for super long, mind - they're still cold blooded - but they have a lot more resistance than even their similarly-related crocodiles. While he won't be super-useful away from the water, Quetzal could still tag along for a while.

Shoklok:

Clearly my initial review is, uhhhh, a little exploded. So, I'll address a worry I had even before and after the reveal of his motivations:

Giving every race its own native language makes for a big wrinkle in the south's history. If folks can't communicate with each other, how will they form a revolt together? I sure doubt the Gilas were going to teach them a common language (after all, that makes revolt more likely). On the off-chance that you're allowed to stick around and do get in, I'd like to see you examine that wrinkle. The category said: "From warthogs to scorpions, the Beast Masters harness the power of nature for peace and war". Were some beast masters able to communicate with 'non-sentient' beasts and some more linguists? Were they the interpreters for the rebellion? Were they teaching everyone in secret (similar to what the US slaves did) in order to facilitate it better? I know these contests are usually mostly forward-looking, but I'd love some insight peppered throughout.

(Also, I still am a little iffy about scarring kids to mark them as part of your group, but religions throughout time have done similar, so it's not that far out in left field.)

Fun animal fact time! Alligator snappers can live up to 200, so Shoklok's comparatively a teenager or twenty-something. He gets positioned as a kind of wise, older teacher compared to the Twigs, but I wonder if he's a sort of radical of other turtles. And, much like I told Waycaster when he was writing Elsine in the bootcamp: I find the age discrepancies fascinating. What is memorable or interesting to something that lives many times longer than the rest of the beasts around them?

Fernando:

There's a lot I like in this app, the clear world building, the clear motivation, but I'm going to come right out with my biggest beef: it feels real weird to me to see "I'm a Class 3" in an app. I can't explain it better than that, it just feels off. It takes me out of the scene a little. Is bureaucracy a part of most big societies? Yes. Does it still feel weirdly out of place that a common term like "class" is used? To me, also yes.

That being said, I appreciate the clarity. We get that he's from podunkville and wants to spread his wings, as it were. We get a good sense of scale of the captured city. However, I feel that we're only given one facet of Nando. Now, it's possible that he's a driven, single-minded beast: he wants his ambition fed and that's all that's on his mind. That's also valid. But I find myself wanting more.

I don't mind the smattering of Spanish. I think it does a good job of showing off that this is a multicultural society: folks speak mostly a common tongue, but there are some regional spillovers.

I'm a little "eeeeeh" about adding "burros" to that list of animals, because I'm pretty sure they're not native to the new world.

I do feel you captured what I was imagining as the beast master category: an organized guild of folks that can control animals for labor and war. It nestles nicely in the boundaries as laid out.

Very Not-fun Animal Fact! So, I adore CGPGrey's video on "Why there was no Americapox", and I felt that this contest could explore the main wrinkle there: the Americas didn't have any large cities that also had a ton of different livestock breeds in them (because they didn't have livestock except llamas and guinea pigs and I guess bees if you're counting them?). But here, we do! The beastmasters can control wild pigs and insects and bison and goats and sheep. So where am I going with this? Armadillos can carry leprosy! Will we have plagues in the South which will be carried to war with them? Think about it, authors! Plagues usually originate in animals and then jump to humans in our world. In a place with a lot of different species congregating, will they also decide the war (much like they did in many, many wars throughout time?)

Timbones:

All right, Timbones. I think your app hits just about every note. A cute, sympathetic character. A heart-warming (and breaking) scene where his parental figures are sending him off to a new land and dooming themselves. He's got a good work ethic, he's obedient. He comes across a little young to me: this reads like a preteen or early teenager not, for all intents and purposes, an adult.

But I have a little issue with the writing itself. Not the few mistakes that are in there, those happen to the best of us. It's about trusting your audience. Clarity is important, but I really want you to try avoiding restating something the dialogue or action already tells us.

For example:

But the young ground squirrel looked apprehensive. "I don't know if I'm... if I'm ready for this yet..."

His dialogue already tells us he's apprehensive, we don't need narration to reiterate that.

"She stopped for a moment, realizing how fiery she could still be even in olden age. Timbones was looking at the floor, apparently ashamed by his own thoughtlessness."

-- here, we jump to Aunt's perspective (please try to stick to 3rd limited from your character's POV in apps, I do not care a bit what she's thinking, only him). It's not a hard rule that you have to stick to 3rd limited for an app, but any time spent outside your character's head is time we're not getting to know them better. On the rare occasion it's needed or better (lookin' at you, Kew), but in general try to let us follow the app character.

I'm harping on this a little, because I feel that with a little more work, you'd have given the other apps a lot of trouble. It's a great concept and a great scene, it just needed some polish, and that comes with practice! So keep at it.

Fun animal fact time! Antelope squirrels share ranges with some other, more aggressive ground squirrels, but they thrive because they're adaptable! In more northern climates, they hibernate through the worst of the winter, while in southern ones, they're active year-round. And, since they get most of their hydration through their diet, they don't really need water to thrive. Who knows, Tiny Tim, your Aunt might be waiting for you after the war, after all! (although it'll break my heart if he comes back too grizzled from the war - war is heck and he's a sweet kid)

[multiplemint]

Scorpio, Lord of Rain, Bringer of Floods!

You, my dude, are 100% Saturday Morning Cartoon villain. You hopped out of Captain Planet or Power Rangers or GI Joe. You've got the posturing, the traps, the speech...

Basically, this is you.



But, well...



Part of my problem with writing a bit is, well, you're writing a bit. So much of this feels like it was written by Joss Whedon on a bender, by which I mean it's all quippy one-liners and comebacks.

"Nowhere left to run," called the Ringbearer

"Says the sitting duck."

"So I guided you... to Death."

And, of course:

I have the high ground."

Now, this can be fun. The app's meant to be humorous, and it definitely leans into that. But, going forward, I want to see you handle more natural dialogue, because the thing about Saturday Morning Cartoon villains is that they mostly overstay their welcome. They work as occasional hindrances to the heroes. The "monster of the week", as it were. Your Lex Luthors and Demonas and Xanatoses and Magnetos? They have staying power. And, despite being an interpreter and presumably smart, Scorpio talks like the throwaway villains. Show me more Megatron and less Starscream.

But the one speech. The one that sticks out the most, is the water cycle explanation. We don't have a solid date for Warpath, so I won't go into the "is it late enough for a full explanation to be viable and known" - after all, that's the whole point of interpreters. However, it completely fell flat for me. In a scene with rising tension, it killed it for me. If it had been framed as him stalling for time, and a little more rushed, looking for a way to monologue just long enough to keep the Ring in harm's way (and less pedantic, then, to fit the mood), I could see it working. As it was, it didn't.

All that being said, it is an overall funny app. It had high-highs, and I would be perfectly fine with it getting in.

And, now, for the Fun Animal Fact! Gila monsters are venomous! I really hope it's something you explore in the story. Yes, he's vowed not to fight (and be careful you don't end up too passive if you get in), but sometimes you just gotta give someone a good nibble when you're in a pinch, and that's gonna be a lot worse from him than most anyone else, except maybe Saoirse.

Bonus Fun Physics Fact! Scorpio should try out for the Arizona Diamondbacks, because sling stones can travel upwards of 100mph. Heck of a thing to catch bare-clawed! (Rule of cool says it's kosher, so no worries about nitpicking there from me.)

Ixchel:

So, the elephant in the room is the tense problems with this app... but I want to focus on how that could work in your favor if you get in.

See, you wrote a good deal of this in a future tense. Now, imagine if someone who acts like a seer spoke, or narrated, as if things were about to happen (yes, it's kind of against Vin's rules about it being third-person past, but bear with me), I'm going to rewrite the opening paragraph to illustrate, but please don't take this as me "correcting" it. I just want to illustrate my point:

Ixchel would wake up and stretch her paws as the first beams of sunlight creaked through her cave. Standing up to full height, she'd reach for her staff, carved as it was with strange markings and smile as they slightly reminded her of home.  Somebeast would be at her door, she could tell easily by their scent and her whiskers twitched. Stepping out into the light, she would raise a paw to shield against the light of the sun to see them more clearly.

So. Again, this kind of totally breaks the app rules as Vin set them forth. But. But, I think it would be a fun way to show us "she foresees all of this happening, her normal routine being interrupted by an expected visitor".

As for the concept, I do love the idea of someone playing both sides, because invariably it means they get painted into a corner by their double-dealing, and it seems like she gives both sides just enough to be happy with her info. Can't have all your clients killing each other. The little ceremony is interesting, though I'd like a little more time in her head. Since she knows exactly what both sides are doing, I'd have spent a little less time describing the "omens" and a little more on her thinking about how these rubes are totally buying the act.

There are a lot of individual lines that I think land really well, and I think you have a good sense for timing. "The rabbit stared back at the omens for what seemed like an eternity, before he seemed to accept it and stood up." and "The sun rose, and the sun set. " come to mind. It seems a little thing, but I appreciate an author that illustrates pauses, almost like a well-directed or edited film. You give the reader a moment to breathe along with the characters.

Fun Animal Fact~! You actually have one of the best categories for an ocelot, because they're both extremely solitary and patient creatures. Other than child-rearing, they basically spend no time with others, and are patient hunters. So the idea that the "prey" comes to you, who lives a hermetic life, fits wonderfully.

Bonus Plant Fact kinda? Prickly pear pads do make good poultices (similar to aloe vera), but not so much the fruit. It's a little detail, but I'm a bit of a plant nerd too, so it stuck out for me. Lean into the herbalism if you get in, if you like. There's a lot in the desert that still gets used, even now, in traditional medicine.

Gilhert:

Ah, the ol' Iago. The ol' Scar. Love me a sneaky villain-type.

Now, I should preface that that's conjecture. But he certainly came across as the cat that ate the canary... but in this case the canary is a cushy gig as a Farmer's Almanac and not so much "ate" as "shanked his dad". But I digress.

I appreciate that you pay attention to dialogue. Plenty of bits have no dialogue tags and yet we don't get lost. Gilhert's dialogue comes across as smooth and sly, though I do have a hard time nailing an internal voice for him. You specify at one spot that he drawls, but his explanation comes across as fast-talking ("perfectly suitable" plants that "also need patience" to grow, eh?). I feel like the two things work against each other. Similarly, the visuals come across more as Arabian or Moroccan. A wife serving him in gauzy fabric, patterned cushions to sit on, the drapery over the ceiling... it's not so out of place as to be a major issue, but I'm getting far more of the Saharan Desert than the Sonoran, and it made me pause and go "huh?".

The scene-setting is good, but I also have a small quibble with it, and it sounds kind of insane, but... you have a ton of adjectives any time you're scene setting. With a few exceptions it's adjective-noun. Just in the first two short paragraph, it's: "sun-washed stones, desiccated wood beams, shallow scrublands, sandy plains, dilapidated dwelling, small shadow, cloudless days, lonesome speck, shimmering heat, hardened sands, wretched shelter" And this doesn't feel rhythmic, if you know what I mean? It's not giving us the rhythm of, say, a sonnet. And I feel that varying it a little would be great. You paint a good picture of his house, but I want the description to be as lush -- and it would be especially effective if the description of the world around it was sparse by comparison. (Also, if the scrubland around the dwelling was surrounded by smooth sand, then that is what is doing the hugging more than the scrubland itself, but that's a nitpick.)

Also, also: 'dawned' =/= 'donned', but I'm sure you saw that after it posted and kicked yourself. Homophones are evil like that.

Also, also, also: "We may not be a sowing pair, yet..." (Now that is a sentence with a second meaning.)

That being said, these are mostly quibbles. I feel like this is a good, complete app. Clear characterization. Vivid imagery. Good dialogue.

Oh man, where to start on Fun Animal Facts about foxes... we've seen about a million of them in these contests... How about the fact that they can retract their claws like cats can? So you can get that lovely, menacing, "extends his claws to encourage the doubters to shut up" bit. Or maybe that one of their most common sound is a fantastic word: gekkering. Oh, and assuming Gilhert can be a beast of action when needed, he'll be very at home in the forest with the rest of us. Grey foxes in our world are excellent climbers, because in addition to those claws, they have a wrist that can rotate more than most animals.

Well... gotta say, the interpreters are continuing the trend of "oh no, who am I gonna vote for" levels of quality.