Shorestar's Suggestions for Dodging Death

[shorestar]

Still, saying that I'm jumpy and that my style should reflect musicality is a valid point to make, so I do appreciate it. However, I will say that I can't write like Revel and Eliza. Their narration is character-unique, and I feel that a slightly more generic narrator fits best for my abilities and Damask's character *shrugs*.

Glad you found something I said helpful - that's my goal. :)

I think it is very possible to let your writing and character work in better concert without making a drastic shift in style, so that sounds like a good choice to me. I look forward to reading your future posts.

Keane - I will try to get to that on my lunch break, then.

[shorestar]

Alright, let's see if I can be a bit clearer. Let's start here:

The ferret nodded without turning his head. "Aye."  He took a drought from his mug and turned reluctantly to the cat.  ?And you??  It was clear he only asked because he thought it was expected of him.

You tell us "It was clear." Why was it clear? We don't know. You just wanted the reader to know that Rath didn't seem terribly interested in his question, so you told us he wasn't.

Let's consider a different way you could have written this:

The ferret nodded absently, his focus on a garrulous rat across the room. "Aye."

When Keane didn't immediately respond, the ferret's eyes flickered back in his direction. Seeing the cat was still watching him, the ferret's scarred nose twitched with slight distaste.   ?And you??  he asked.

Gimme a break on my prose please, as this is being written swiftly on my lunch. I'm simply trying to illustrate a method. Hopefully you do get a clearer sense of the scene?

Let's go back to the example I called out in my initial post.

First off, since it follows this:

if it weren't for her gown, crafted of lavender silk, and her walking stick, elegantly carved of fine wood, Keane wouldn't have pegged her as one of the upper class. 

this

The female, hunched over her walking stick but with an air that gave the impression of her back being perfectly straight, huffed.

seems a bit out of place. You're simultaneously implying that her demeanor is both unsuitable to someone from the upper class and that it is.

Again, you're telling the reader they have an impression that her back is perfectly straight. Now, in a sense, this is a step closer to showing, since what you actually want them to know from this is that the beast gave off an air of propriety in spite of being a hunched old prune. But at the same time, it's very awkward because you're saying "If you were there, this is how you would perceive the situation. I'm not telling you why, so you can't really visualize it, but this is how you would feel."

You can dodge this if you give Keane the perspective, perhaps by writing something like this:

The female huffed. Keane couldn't shake the feeling that she was looking down her nose at him, even though, hunched over her walking stick, her eartips rose no higher than his chin.

Or you can give the reader something they can more easily see, like this:

The female may have been hunched over her walking stick, but she shook one pointed finger at Keane in a way that made her spine seem ramrod straight. She huffed.

Hopefully you can see what I'm getting at? Let me know if not. You definitely do a good job of "showing" sometimes, but I feel you "tell" too frequently.