Like Dating a Cheeseburger.

[Venril]

Venril?s chest was aflutter and his heart was pounding.  He was going to do it.  He was finally going to show that brute Verand what came of trying to push around a captain of Baron Proklyan?s horde.  Of course, he couldn?t just tell everyone after he killed Verand, given the ferret?s popularity with the horde, but before he died Verand was going to know exactly who killed him.  And Liza will too?she doesn?t take me seriously now, but she?ll see?

The marteness in question suddenly reached out and tapped his shoulder. 
?Venril?  Are you sure you really want to do this?"

?What?   Uh, yes, of course I want to kill Verand!  Go get Verand.  I?ll be right up here.?  Venril was currently crouching on a high ledge, just out of site.  Around him, he had a stone spear from the Srechrrl attack and several large, heavy rocks.  From his ledge, Venril had a perfect view of the flat area where Liza would stand with Verand, close to the edge of a sharp dropoff.

Eliza sighed.  ?Venril.  If this doesn?t work?"  She tried to hide it, but Venril could sense the the fear in her eyes and her voice.

Thanks for the vote of confidence, Liza.  ?Just go get Verand!  Everything is under control.?  Venril said, trying to sound more confident than he felt.  It was a pretty well conceived plan, but he couldn?t help but feel nervous.  Verand was neither a fool nor a weakling, and there was little room for error or bad luck.  Especially with Liza watching.

Liza began to walk back towards the main Fritterik settlement.  The site they had chosen for the ambush was in a side tunnel far away from the rest of the settlement.  Once she was out of sight, Venril sat back on his haunches, awaiting her return.  It took much longer than Venril had expected, and he was beginning to wonder if something was wrong when he heard pawsteps coming in his direction. 

?Knew you?d see the error of your ways eventually.?  Venril?s fist tightened as Verand?s voice became audible.

?What can I say, Verand??  Liza?s voice was a purr unlike anything Venril had heard from her before.  ?Surely you must know that a lady can only be coy for so long, before she must yield to the advances of a worthy male."

?I?m not sure we really need to go any farther than this, Liza.?

?What's the matter, Verand, afraid of the dark? I should think a rugged male like you would exult in the thrill of the chase. ? 

Earlier, Venril and Liza had set up two sticks to mark the target zone where Verand was supposed to be.  Venril watched Liza walk past the sticks, and then saw Verand move into the target zone.  Venril rose up and lifted the heavy rock over his head.  Verand paused in place, and started to turn in his direction, but was unable to react before a large, sharp rock plummeted down from a height equivalent to two Venrils and a Bellona standing on top of one another and struck him in the head.   

There was a small spray of blood and the ferret went down like a sack of bricks.
Venril was just about to congratulate himself when Verand, to his astonishment, began to rise up.  The rock had stunned Verand and bloodied him up, but hadn?t killed him.  Venril picked up another large rock and threw it at the still-rising ferret. 

The rock struck Verand in the back, knocking him back down.  Verand shoved the
rock off himself and struggled to rise again.  This time, Venril threw the spear, which struck the ferret dead in the back.  Verand gave a terrible yell of pain.  Venril began to climb down the ledge.  However, Verand began to recover faster than Venril had expected, and was starting to try to struggle up again.  Liza was much closer to the ferret than he was, but instead of moving to attack the ferret, who was still on his paws and knees, she just stood there in shock, spots of Verand's blood splattered on her fur.

"Hey, Liza!  Don't just stand there, help me!"

Verand looked up at Liza, his eyes wide, and tried to reach out to grab her.  Liza responded  with a kick to the face.

?Grrk?Liza!  What are you??  The ferret?s words were drowned out as she kicked him again, and then again.

?That?s for shoving your ugly face in mine every change you get!?  Kick.  ?That?s for kidnapping me out of the tavern and making me a slave!?  Kick  ?And that?s for making me have to spend all this time in this stupid cavern with Revel and the hedgehog and all the others!? Kick.

Verand suddenly managed to grab her footpaw and yank it to the side, catching her off balance and causing her to stagger to the side attempting to keep her footing.  The ferret struggled to his feet and began to try to retreat back to the Fritterik settlement.  Suddenly, Venril, who had managed to climb down while Liza was kicking Verand, slammed into him, knife in paw, and plunged the blade into Verand?s chest once, then twice.  The ferret?s eyes widened.

?Venril??

?That?s Captain Venril, you mutinous prat!?  Venril spat out before grabbing another rock off the cave floor and hitting Verand in the face with it. 
It took a few hits before Verand stopped moving.

?So.  That?s the end of that.?  Liza was the first one to speak.  The marteness looked shaken, her face ashen.  She looked like she might even feel a little sick.

?Yes.  No more Verand.?

?Well, thank you for helping me with that problem, Venril.  What do we do now??

"I'll drop him down that shaft."

"Good...I..I think I need to get some air."  Liza walked rather shakily back towards the cave, wiping the blood spots off her fur with a small piece of fabric.

Venril began dragging the still ferret over to the tunnel.  He dumped Verand down the tunnel shaft.  As the ferret vanished into the darkness, Venril began to chuckle, and then to laugh aloud.  He had done it!  No more Verand!  This wasn?t some halfwit woodlander who had gotten unlucky.  This was a dangerous, athletic, experienced hordebeast who he had duped and ambushed. 

The stoat felt a sort of euphoria come over him.  A part of him wondered whether he was laughing loudly enough for Liza to hear him, but he pushed the thoughts away.  Several minutes later he still couldn?t stop laughing.  Even when a noise that sounded almost like a groan of pain emanated from the tunnel he had dumped Verand down, he didn?t care.  Venril took out a rag and cleaned up some of the blood, then dumped that down where he had dumped Verand.  Another little sigh or breeze emanated up, but Venril still didn?t care.  He was still struggling not to laugh as he walked back up the tunnel?

And saw Liza with Damask, leaning forward and listening intently as the robin rattled off some sonnet he had composed.  Venril couldn?t make out the words, but he didn?t care to, anyway.  All he noticed was the fact that Liza was interested, engaged even, paying rapt attention to Damask?s prattling.  And when he was finished, she clapped in delight. 

When Damask had come to Venril in the night to threaten him and lay claim to Liza?s affections, Venril had dismissed it as a delusion or a joke.  Yet now? as absurd as it sounded, it seemed almost as though Damask might not have been completely delusional.  Liza clearly was receptive to the poetry.  In fact, she was showing much more interest in Damask than she ever had in Venril.  Even after
Venril had carried out his promise to get rid of Verand, her gratitude had been limited to a smile, nothing like the applause and thanks she was now lavishing on Damask. 

Venril?s jaw tightened.  A BIRD?!?  She?s less interested in me than she is in a bird?  Venril could have accepted it if Liza had chosen another mustelid over him.  It would not have been the first time.  However, being turned down in favor of a feathery little lunatic like Damask?  What could she possibly see in him?  It?s like courting a pasty!  I?m second place to a snack!?

Venril stalked off without even approaching the pair.  I get her dress back, I stick my neck out to try to get Verand to leave her alone, when that doesn?t work I help her kill Verand and get rid of him permanently.  And after all that, she prefers the affections of A BIRD who hasn?t done anything but make up some ridiculous poetry?  What the ?Gates do jills actually want??

The only thing Venril could think of that would make him feel better was if Rath was available for another training session.  Maybe the ferret knew how to shoot birds out of the air with a bow.