The Silly Beast

[Zevka]

Name: Malukh
Species: Ferret
Age: 27
Gender: Male
Category: The Silly Beast

?I am the one true king!?
 
Malukh planted his footpaws, one wooden and one flesh, into the dusty road as he delivered this proclamation, scrawny chest outthrust and patchwork cloak fluttering in the breeze. His audience, a stoat and a rat leaning idly against the door they were apparently guarding, didn?t seem particularly impressed.
 
?Oh yeah?? asked the stoat, ?King of what??
 
?Ptuh!? The ferret turned his head and spat, then reaffixed his gaze on the questioner. ?Kingship is tied to no vulgar notions of territory. It is a virtue that marks one from birth, granting them the authority to rule and inspire the masses. I am king, born and prophesied, and I demand that you open this gate and allow me to reveal myself to the masses!?
 
?You? do know where you are, right? This isn?t a castle, it?s a fighting ring. No kings in there, just the audience and the gladiators.? The rat seemed more uncomfortable with Malukh?s stare than his companion, presumably because his mind was more susceptible to the ferret?s overwhelming aura of regal authority.
 
?Exactly, you simpleton! The audience! A crowd eager for pageantry and spectacle, they are in the perfect position to recognize my regal virtues. This Fates-forsaken crater shall be the nucleus of my kingdom, the springboard from which I will launch a grand campaign to bring all lands under my banner, and only then shall the world know the true peace borne of authority!?
 
By the end of this speech Malukh was inches away from the rat?s nose and gripping the front of the beast?s jerkin with his paws. The guard seemed to have been so overawed by the majesty dripping from every syllable of the ferret?s words that he had tried to back away, but found himself trapped against the door as grand orator continued his advance.
 
?So you want to fight in the Crater, huh??
 
Malukh?s head whirled around and he fixed his eyes on the stoat, releasing his grip on the rat and allowing the unfortunate beast to scurry away. ?At last, someone understands! Tell me, good warrior, how does one go about entering the honorable field of combat??
 
The stoat seemed to almost choke for a second, slamming a paw over his mouth and doubling over, but regained his composure quickly. ?Aha, sorry. Just a few questions I?d like to ask first. What do you do for a living??
 
?I travel across the land to gather support for the eventual ascension of my kingdom, searching for vassals pure of heart and strong of arm.?
 
?Right? Got any family??
 
?Regretfully my good father passed away many seasons ago, and I know not the fate of his siblings.?
 
?Any friends around here??
 
The ferret gestured broadly with his paw back towards the road that led out of the bustling town that surrounded the crater, into the harsh wastes of the Northlands. ?I am unknown in these lands, for now at least. I have traveled many leagues hence, for I heard that beasts can win renown and acclaim through feats of valor; it seems an appropriate place to reveal myself to the world. For in this rock, in this far-flung corner of the world, you will see the beginning of a legend that will be told for a thousand years! The genesis of a kingdom that will last forever! And I, who stand before you, shall be its ruler! So the fates have decreed, and so it shall be!? His high-pitched, reedy voice gradually rose in volume through this speech, charged with the absolute surety of power. In his eyes marched hundreds of armored beasts carrying his standard; between every syllable boots stomped, banners snapped in the wind, and the cry ?For the King!? rose to a cacophony from a thousand throats.
 
But the moment ended, and all that was left was Malukh. A grin slowly spread across the stoat?s face. Malukh tilted his head in confusion, but replied with a smile of his own. Then the guard clapped a heavy paw on the ferret?s shoulder and began to push him inside.
 
?While I do appreciate the help,? he said, trying as gracefully as possible to extricate himself from the beast?s grip, ?you should know how impetuous you?re being by laying your paws on me. I?m perfectly capable of finding my way around without- hey, what are those manacles for? Unhand me! Unhand me, I say! Don?t you understand who I am?!?
 
Then the heavy, iron-studded door slammed shut behind them.


------------

Name: Kali
Species: Fox Bat
Gender: Female
Age: 23
Category: The Silly Beast
                     
?You want to  what??
                     
?You have a job opening yes??
                               
?Well, yeah but??
                               
?Then look no further! The AMAAAAAAAAZING Kali is at your service!? The innkeeper can only scratch his head at the beast as she bows grandiosely before him. Even with those long ears the fox-bat hardly meets the innkeeper?s snout in height. ?You were still looking to fill that job, yes??
                               
?But?? The fox cringes slightly as the bat stares up at him, eyes wide as she hops about with excitement. ?You see Miss Kali??
                               
?The AMAAAAAAAAZING Kali.?
                               
?Right, Kali, this is a tavern.? The bat still stares up at him, unblinking, ?A  vermin  tavern and you are?? The fox struggles for words as Kali still looks up at him with expectant hopeful eyes.
                               
?Fffffiiiiine,? The fox sighs, fairly sure he is signing the beast?s death warrant. He shutters as the bat squeals in joy before launching herself to wrap her arms around him, ?Oh thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou! I promise I won?t let you down! You can count on-? Taking two steps Kali trips over the stairs into the tavern and her new career as a bard.
                               
?I?m ok!? comes a muffled cry as the fox just slaps his forehead. This won?t end in flames at all.

Once on stage, the bard takes a moment to calm her nerves with a deep breath, immediately gagging on fresh smell of unwashed vermin. ?That, that is? musky. Very, uh, pleasant smell that.? She pauses to get a feel for her audience. A dozen beady eyes peer back at her from the darkness curiously, except for those who are already passed out on the floor, or the ferret spread out over the table with a knife in his back.
                               
Amid all this Kali catches the fox at the bar chewing at his own claws. She gives him a thumb up sign and a wink before turning back to the vermin. ?Tell me mates, are you ready to be ENTERTAINED?!? Out comes the three-stringed lute, spinning in her paws before catching it. Tapping her foot she begins to strum the instrument with her wing tip. The beat is surprisingly lively for a lute. Quick and fluid.
                               
Even drunk or on their way to being so, all in the bar raise their heads. A few begin to tap their paws with the beat as Kali plays away. Her eyes are closed when her hips begin to move, swaying from side to side. The bat?s head begins to bob back and forth as she dances in place.
 
As one the beasts in the tavern begin to shuffle in their seats. For Kali though, she is already gone. The song has taken her to parts unknown and the others are just along for the ride.
                               
The inn keeper relaxes, daring to believe that the he made a good decision. He had his doubts, at first, but the little bat is really pulling it off.
                               
And then come the lyrics.
                               
To this day the fox cannot remember the words of the song, only the high-pitched screeching that suddenly echoes through his skull. The slight wail that Kali puts into her words seems to just drown out all logical thought.
                               
The vermin react?poorly. First comes the grumbling, then the hissing, and then they start reaching for things to throw.
                               
Lost to the music Kali continues to sing undisturbed, ?I leeeeft my heaaaart in de sea! So do come back to meEEEEEeeeEEEeeEE-GRK!? The song ends as the tavern keeper clamps his paw down on her muzzle, swooping the bat up in his free arm. ?Oh hey! Music is done. Time to go.? He laughs nervously as he gets Kali quickly to the door because the things vermin throw are much sharper than rotten fruit.
                               
?B-but, I?m not done!? Kali cries. ?Wait! I can tell jokes too! Why did the ferret cross the road! Come on! Ask me why the ferret crossed the road! Anyone!? she wails in desperation.

?To get away from you.? The innkeeper growls.

?You know, that is actually rather goo-? Being given the boot out the door Kali lands face first in the mud. Slowly, the bat stands. ?It?s,? She sniffles. ?It?s ok.? Wiping tears from her eyes Kali manages to smile as she says, ?Don?t fret. You got to play in front of an audience. That?s all that matters.? Taking a staggered breath Kali crosses one tavern name off a scrap of paper before moving on to the next one on the list.