Chokk's Talk

[Chokk Wulgar]

I will be reviewing this time around! Never done this before but it should prove valuable for me and hopefully interesting for others. First up for reviews will be the Yew Guards category!

Grainger  (5)

Right off, I was a little confused on what was going down. As I kept reading, I began to understand where they were and what was going on. But, it took me a while. It took me long enough that I almost lost interest in this character. Crafting this much action is difficult, I understand that. Given that you've picked a scene with lots of characters, and lots of information begin passed around, you handled it well enough. I would have rather seen this character in a scene where I could get a better feel for him. There wasn't time to get a lot of depth for the character into this. I did get that most beasts respect him and that he is a sergeant.

Honestly, I think for a scene fro a book this would have been really great, but as for show casing a character, it feel short. I really liked Ayers though.

Istvan (4)

Interesting. That's my first thought on this one. This is an interesting character, though I'm not sure I would enjoy reading about him interacting with other characters. I don't know, his odd sacrificing of blood and that sort of thing turned me off of this one. Not that I have a problem with religion or anything like that, this just didn't fit very well into the Redwall type universe for me.

I was thinking when he went to stop the bickering beasts that his character would be displayed. Maybe he would be really rough with them, or possibly show some other side of his personality. I guess I just wasn't thinking ritual blood sacrifice.

I will say I loved the first line of this application. It got me interested right away in what sort of beast would think that way. Adding the tattoos was a good call, I liked the overall look of Istvan. I just feel this character is sort of boxed in as far as design.

Ben Slider (3)

Oh wow! This was heart wrenching. You know how to write a stricken situation for sure. I found it rather well put together and a really good read. All this to say, I really liked this app.

I am interested to see how a diseased creature would fit into the competition. I would really like to see how that would play out. I'm sure he would be able to risk himself more than other creatures, which could prove very entertaining to read.

You've really done well in developing this guy, I get a really good feel for him right away. I can sense his heart and what he cares about most, along with what breaks his heart. A very well written character!

Maxine Honeydouble (1)

Emotion. You do really well with emotion here. I especially liked from where she drops the kettle into the fire onward. Very convincing stuff in there. You did well integrating a couple other characters but keeping the focus on your main one.

I would like to read more of Maxine. At first I couldn't quite tell what sort of beast she was going to be. I really got a liking for her when she began speaking with Fellows at the fire. That part of the application won me over.

Your writing is descriptive and a treat to read. Very good work. Really enjoyable. I would very much enjoy this character in the competition.

Captain Noonahootin (2)

This app started out really strong. I really like this owl. Just the sort of attitude an owl should have. This is also the only application that made me laugh in this section. "You're head's on backwards." Now that's funny! Good work on that indeed!

You do a good job of writing action in the second half of the application. However, I would have liked to see more character development and less description of flight. Not that the description was bad, just that the application is to give me the best feel of a character I can. I would have liked to read more WingChut Noonahootian interaction as far as speaking just to get more feel for Noonahootian's character.

I really like Noonahootin, name and all. I would love to see him in the competition!

Next up... Merchant apps!

[Chokk Wulgar]

The Merchant Category! It was really hard for me to choose the numbers on this round. Some very good applications here! A pleasure to read!

Nyika (2)

This was a pleasure to read. The scene was very well put together. I got a good sense for both characters right away. You do a great job blending description into character building. Some really good stuff here. I also enjoyed how you switched from a scene with two characters to focusing on your main character. Good job with that!

One thing I was a little confused on was Nyika talking at the end. Was she talking to herself? The ghost of the vixen's mate? Whoever she was talking to, you used it well to get more development time for Nyika's personality.

This character is well rounded and solid for what she is. I would not mind seeing her in the competition.

Alder Flint (5)

What an interesting way to weave in Redwall. It was interesting to read of the place by your character's interpretation. Not often you read of beasts feeling like Redwall is a stuffy place. Not often the abbot confronts and is confronted in such a manner. Yes, a very good read. I really liked that.

You also have woven a really nice story with your character. The one problem I see is how are you going to integrate this character into the larger story of the competition? I'm supposing Alder will leave his son behind at Redwall perhaps? That could take things in an interesting direction.

The beginning of your application was a little choppy. I had a hard time settling in. But, once I did I really enjoyed the read. Good job creating an interesting back story, I wonder what will happen to Alder in the future?

Terrence Wellspiller (1)

I really enjoyed this application. At first I was thinking, hmmm, the app says his name is Terrence and he's going by Blake? But then I realized that was Terrence's father! Good job putting this application together. It could have been a hard story to keep together but you did it rather well. I love the tension between the son and father. I also love that it is no secret to the community. The perfect reason for Terrence to leave.

I would love to see Terrence in the competition. I want to read more about him, and see how his character develops. His talent for grooming is a creative idea. The poor little guy. I want to see Terrence succeed in life!

Pollux (4)

Not what I was expecting, and that's good! I did get some feel for Pollux during this, but I would have liked more. This first paragraph was too wordy for me, I got a little lost in the details. But things evened out after that.

You are very good at writing dialogue. I feel like I could actually hear the two of them talking. One thing that bothered me a lot was the use of people and man. I guess I'm just a stickler for tradition but I much prefer reading "beasts" when it comes to anything Redwall. That might be just me though, and I didn't count it against you as far as my scoring.

I liked this. Not the best I've read but still a good solid application and a good solid character to build on.

Zevka Blackbriar (3)

The dynamic duo, with a past in business together. I liked this set up. I felt like I was right there on the log next to them listening. This application also made me laugh. You did a great job blending in lessons we have learned from reading Redwall. Lesson #1: You do not try to conquer Redwall. You always end up dead when you try that. Haha... very good with that.

The application itself was a little choppy and it took me the first two paragraphs to really get settled in to what was going on. I understood that they had been working alongside the cat's uncle for a while. It just took me a littler bit to really get the picture.

I do like how you have developed Zevka though, I wouldn't mind seeing her get into the contest. She's got the making of something great to read!

[Chokk Wulgar]

I'm having so much fun with these I think I'll just keep going... the Dewhurst Players! I'm surprised at the lack on entries into this section.

Vist (1)

Bring out the box of tissues for your favorite daytime soap opera here! This application was over the top in the drama department! That said, I enjoyed reading it very much. Interaction between two characters mostly but you did a good job focusing on you main ferret.

I didn't realize he was not already in the Dewhurst Players until the last paragraph. Interesting that you've turned him into a run away with quite the past.

This character leaves lots of room for future development. I could see that happening well in the competition. I've never been a fan of clowns, but adding that fact into the equation makes me like Vist even more. I would be happy to see this guy in the competition.

Risk (4)

So the two young foxes in the beginning remind me of the Weasely twins. Just throwing that out there.

His voice rumbled like oiled pebbles between a vixen's thighs.

Wait what?! This was a very odd way of describing a voice... yep, that's an odd image right there.

So the more I read in this application the more confused I become. Who is who and what in the world is happening? I'm sorry I just got really confused. I liked the fox twins and Risk, and then another character Hoc is added. Who is Hoc?

What brought me back was the end of the application. I got a real sense of who Risk was right at the very end. I loved the last few lines. I would have liked to have the application start with that last bit and continue on from there.  Risk has potential, I just think if this writer gets into the contest they will need to develop Risk more quickly to get me to like him.

Poko (3)

I like the name so much!

I ain?t done nuthin? ya crazy jerkface!

I just don't see "jerkface" being used in the Redwall world.

Well this was fun to read. I really liked the story that was drawn up. I see it as part of a chapter in a book. That's all good but, I just didn't get much of a feel at all for Poko. I think I know more about the badger than I do about the character the app is supposed to focus on.

I do like that she is a daughter of two reformers in the show. That could be fun to work with. This was a good application writing wise, I just didn't get to know Poko enough.

Shortstack (2)

Ew! Wow, that was something else! I never saw it coming. Well, maybe something along those lines but, this app finished with a bang.

I have to say at the beginning I was thinking this app was supposed to be about Francisco. It focused so much on the fiery performer that I was almost surprised "shortstack" was not just a nick name for Francisco. I really got a feel for Shortstack in the second half of the app. His visit to the otter was very well written. I liked the verbal exchange and of course the ending.

These potential here for sure. I could get to like this "shortstack" fellow. I would love to read more of him in the competition.

[Chokk Wulgar]

AAAAaaaand... the judge's picks! So, there was one ok app, one pretty darn good one, and one that all almost made me stand up and applaud.

Also, I'm giving these numbers just for fun!

Vanessa Fern (2)

I like this otter maid, I really do. She makes me smile, she seems like a character straight out of Redwall. Good job here. I love how you handled the action scenes and you paint such a nice picture. Your dialogue sounds very nice, I love her accent (especially how foxpen reads it!).

Nothing bad to say about this. A good, solid app and a character I look forward to reading about. She will add spark and vinegar to things I'm sure.

Gashrock (3)

This app was easy to read and well enough put together. I wasn't completely drawn into this though, and I don't feel like a really know Gashrock very well. She doesn't seem to have a lot of bite, she just seems kind of flat to me.

I'm looking forward to seeing this character develop as she begins the contest.

Goragula (1)

OH MY GOODNESS! Goragula is my favorite of these BY FAR! So well written and a character I could really get into. I understand his attitude and motivations so well from this. Good job using this scene to display your character, it was a perfect pick! Loved this app very much!!