Heart of Steel

[Balmafula]

By Vanessa

?Nessa... is it true? You... you gave up your paw to save me??

The ottermaid slowly raised her eyes from the ground to meet those of the pine marten crouching in front of her. Her stump was hidden self-consciously in the folds of her uniform but she couldn?t hide the pain that continuously throbbed from the wound. Zevka had finally awakened from the effects of the gas but somehow, Nessa didn?t even feel glad to see her. She didn?t feel angry towards the marten either.  She just felt... nothing, like her thoughts, her very self, were swathed in a leaden blanket.

?Ah did, Zevka. There wasnae any choice. Either Ah settled with them or ye died.?

Zevka didn?t speak for a long moment. Then she leaned forward and threw both arms around Nessa, wrapping her in a long, warm hug. When Zevka finally pulled back, her eyes were full of tears.

?Thank you, Nessa.?

For a second, the ottermaid?s eyes softened and she smiled sadly at her friend.

?Dinnae dwell on et. Ah did et, an? that?s that. Ye went in tae get me oot even though ye knew ye could die, aye??

?Yes, but this! I... I can?t even imagine what that must have been like.?

?An? Ah wouldnae try tae.?

Without meaning to, Nessa?s voice snapped slightly in conjunction with a stab of agony from her stump. She waved her paw in apology and closed her eyes for a brief moment as she tried to control the pain. When she opened them again, Zevka was still seated beside her, her gaze low.

?Nessa... I?m sorry for what I said before... you know... with the molebabe.?

Nessa smiled again, a bit more warmly and her good arm came out to wrap around Zevka?s shoulder.

?Ah know, Zevka. Ah know.?

They stayed like that for a long moment until Nessa shook herself and rose up carefully, trying not to jolt her arm.

?Weel, Ah?m off fer some sleep, mate. Carrigul awaits, aye??

But the ottermaid?s voice still rang hollow.

That night the little expedition slept soundly in the small natural cave, happy in the knowledge that between them and their destination lay only three days traveling on a straight road. The pain, however, pursued Nessa into the realms of slumber, tormenting her throughout the night under a thousand nightmarish guises. In the biting cold, it gnawed at her mind like nothing she had ever experienced and she retreated more and more into herself, not even noticing as the happy, talkative and vibrant ottermaid of Yew slipped away little by little.

She answered mechanically now, exchanging pleasant banter only rarely with the little ferretmaid who often trotted alongside her. Yet at the same time, a new awareness had woken in Nessa. All day as they walked, her eyes roved the cliffs and rocks, her nose sniffed the scents on the icy air, and her ears pricked and turned to catch every small sound. The constant pain kept her awake. Her eyes had a grim look now, like chips of emerald.

The next night, after the meal, Nessa lay on her belly on a warm blanket, her chin propped on her good elbow as she gazed into the dark.

?How is your wound, Miss Fern??

The ottermaid glanced behind her at the sound of Noonahootin?s unusually gentle voice. She didn?t want pity.

?Guid. Dinnae worry aboot me, Captain.?

At her curt tone, the owl shuffled uncomfortably on his footclaws but did not pursue his enquiries. Nessa sighed and turned back to her gloomy meditations. One by one, her companions drifted off to sleep but if the ottermaid had hoped to escape notice, she was  disappointed. She felt the brush of a furry tail as Zevka settled in beside her. She tried to ignore the marten, rolling on her side as though she was sleeping.

?Nessa.?

Her friend?s voice held just a touch of accusation. Ach. Ah?m nae foolin? her.

?Aye? Wot is et??

She didn?t turn around.

?Nessa, look at me. You?re not okay. Everyone?s noticed.?

Nessa pushed herself up on her paws and turned to look Zevka straight in the eyes.

?Zevka, please, leave me alone.?

?No, I won?t leave you alone. Nessa, you?re not you anymore! Just talk to me; stop blocking us out!?

Suddenly, Nessa was on her paws, her eyes blazing, her voice a fierce whisper.

?Ye want tae know what et feels like Zevka? Ye want tae know what et?s like tae lose everything ye?ve lived for? Ah?m a fighter. Mah father was a soldier, mah mither was the most feared warriormaid north o? Mossflower. And noo... Ah cannae e?en be Guard, Zevka! Wot?s a Guard who cannae fight??

The ottermaid sank back down into a crouch, wrapping her stump even more closely in her cloak. She was crying again.

? Et?s just... damn, ye cannae know wot et feel like. Everyone knows yer intelligent, ye can do strategies, plots an? anythin?. This... this was the only thing Ah could do, Zevka. Ah dinnae have a life anymore.?

"Nessa, you're the bravest beast I know...you rescue beasts who've been kidnapped, you comfort kits who've just had their world ripped apart, you make us all laugh, feel like the weight of the world is just a bit lighter."

Zevka leaned in closer, her voice growing even more intense as she met Nessa?s gaze.

"None of that has changed. You're more than your paw, Nessa, and you've still got a lot to offer the world."

The marten took a deep breath and stood up.

?And, Nessa, there?s something I want to show you. Get up.?

?Wot the...??

?Get up!?

Nessa got up and scarcely was she on her footpaws when a fist connected quite solidly with her shoulder.

?Zevka, what are ye doing??

A series of jabs from the marten?s fists was her only answer and out of pure reflex, Nessa dodged most of them, ducking and weaving under the blows. She saw the marten winding up for a large roundhouse and suddenly, her body moved on its own. She stepped in, her left paw intercepting the punch and twisting Zevka?s momentum towards the ground. And then, she?d pinned the marten in a joint lock on the ground and Zevka was grinning like a loon.

?See? You can still fight, Nessa! Your paw may be gone, but the spirit?s still there! Why, I?ve read of plenty of beasts with only one paw who could fight better than anyone else!?

In a daze, the ottermaid stood up, allowing Zevka to rise. She felt better than she had since the loss of her paw, her body thrumming with energy and suddenly, both of Nessa?s arms were around Zevka in an fierce embrace that nearly bowled the marten over. Tears spilled out of Nessa?s eyes but they were tears of joy and the ottermaid was laughing through the sobs.

?Thank ye, Zevka. Oh, thank ye!?