Bearclaws! NROM!

[Opal]

(And some reviews, too.)

Once the story starts, I will probably do rather short reviews if I do any at all. Or possibly some sort of weekly awards. Who knows.

For the most part I will be c/p-ing my reviews from the judges' board, because I am too lazy to rewrite everything. If you submitted a last-minute app, you probably got a shorter review. Sorry, but that's how I roll. Plus, I was on a bit of a deadline to get through all the apps. I promise I read them all, multiple times, but I just didn't have time to write long reviews about them. If I'm feeling generous, I might expand some of the shorter reviews. Or maybe if I'm given enough cookies.

Actually, in re-reading all of my reviews, they're all kind of short. Sorryyyyyy. I hope they're still helpful or something. Consider me the Anti-Matra.

Okay, I have to start...with...the Cabin Boys...because reasons...that will become apparent...hopefully...ellipses...


Gordon Hagglethrump, a.k.a. Scully Craws

A three-cornered hat with ear holes, small-sized, for a leveret. A toy lead cutlass in a cloth scabbard. A set of three hollow wooden tubes, carved to look like a telescope.

Two puppets: one, a badger dressed in magnificent armor; the other, a hare. The standard Long Patrol uniform had been stripped off the puppet, and instead, it wore a pirate?s outfit, a ring through each of its long ears, and a bandana embroidered with a skull and crossbones.

More toys and scraps of worn parchment and wood - hand-scribbled maps, doodles - were tossed out of the oak trunk and onto the floor of the large bedroom. Gordon dug deeper.

Wow. Two whole paragraphs before there's a complete sentence. Not off to a great start.

This is certainly an unusual app. I'm not sure why Brother Sage has chosen a young teenager to be the assassin, but it's interesting. I do always like when writers take the risk of writing younger characters.

(I TOLD YOU THESE WERE SHORT. I WARNED YOU.)



Thaddeus Churchmouse

Character's species: Rat (thinks he's a mouse)

Maaaybe next time trust that your audience is smart enough to figure this out by reading the app. It kind of spoiled the...not surprise, I guess, but more the shock value of it? Which is a pity.

It's really a shame that Gordon AND Thaddeus can't get in. Their interactions would be hilarious. It's also really, really bizarre that we basically got two of the same type of character in the same category. Thaddeus is definitely more outright cray-cray, though. Also, his motivations really aren't clear. Why does he hate vermin so much? Most actual woodlanders don't even.

Really don't like the POV jump at the end. That's Writing 101: don't randomly jump into other characters' heads! Especially when the application is supposed to be about Thaddeus, not Swiftpaw.



Efith Delwigger

Every gentlebeast their age who'd heard of the Lady had sought to win her heart ? every male, that was ? but she had refused them all. She'd met practically every person in Bluetree by this point...

?You will each seek a maiden and kiss her, but you must return to me with a story to tell..."

Okay, pretty sure she's not interested in dudes. It's like she's hinting, "Go kiss some girl who will actually appreciate your kisses and leave me alone."

Also, what is this "person" the author speaks of...?

What a bizarre application. On the one hand, yey rabbits! On the other, not sure why a rabbit is interested in a mouse (and I literally thought she was a hare after several reads, and only picked up on the mouse thing after another judge pointed it out to me, which made it make even less sense to me; maybe next time more than one reference to her species would be a bit, er, clearer to the reader), or why the Lady would ever choose him, since uuuuusually the goal of noble marriage is to produce heirs. Even though the Lady CLEARLY has no interest in procreating at all. Ahemhem.

Mali Winsford would not be shipping out as cabin boy on the Waverunner's new expedition if he had anything to say about it.

Golly, that's a weird sentence. If WHO had anything to say about it? Because it sounds like you mean Mali. So Mali is hellbent on not being the cabin boy? Wha? I know what you meant, but it's just a bit sloppy is all. Tighten it up and work on clarity and I'm sure you'll do fine.

This is just kind of a weird app. But sometimes I guess you need a dose of weird in these things, haha.

Speaking of weird, this app (and the fact that my husband is King Arthur in a production of Spamalot right now) inspired me to, er, rewrite some lyrics to a certain...special...song....

Lady Crown, you might as well just fess up,
Really you're a different kind of girl.
Put aside that ring paw,
Cease that protesting maw,
It's high time for you to give this a whirl.

Her...name...is...Lady Crown,
She's looked all over town,
A mate she hasn't found
To say, "I do."
("I do!")
So don't you start to frown,
It's time to get on down
And find out who's really you!
Her name is Lady Crown,
She wears a pretty gown,
Her fur is white, not brown, and it's cleeeean!
No one would ever know
That this here gorgeous doe
Isn't into what she seems!

She's the mouse who'd really like a mousewife,
Or I guess some other species too...

Okay. I need to stop.

I just thought it was funny that none of the males in that town seem to be taking the hint. And if there is no hint, then color me ever so surprised. AND YOU ALL SAID THIS CONTEST NEEDED MORE SONGS. I blame everyone but myself for this, obviously.


Most likely choice:
I really don't know at this point. Now that I've had more time to digest the apps, I probably won't be voting strictly along my original scores. Each cabin boy would bring a very different element into the story: the jaded teenager, the Cuckoo Crazy Pops?, and the lusty adventure-seeker.

(I just had to start with the cabin boys because that song was BEGGING me to let it out after days and days of humming it.)

[Opal]

Soldiers!

Hisobe of the Narcu Clan

I find this to be an overall intriguing app. While I did kind of roll my eyes at the whole "I can be anything I need to be ever and I'm really good at every job! Teehee!" bit, I find him suitably creepy and smug but not quite unbearably so.

I do worry he doesn't have any flaws, so I can't give full marks for characterization. The competent writing is his salvation here, methinks. Okay, except for this:

"Your reputation as a banker will suffice.  I have a document declaring you the royal tax auditor, responsible for making sure our kingdom receives its due.  It comes with an officer's commission and the rank of captain, which should give you access to those in command."

"The document is a forgery, of that I'm certain."

Erm, no doy it's a fake? In what scenario would it be a real document if his entire trade hinges on him becoming something that he's not? I don't get it.


Morti Dulshed

I like the character (well, not like so much as feel kind of sorry for), but I don't really get the setup. It raises far more questions than it answers. And the Long Patrol (or whatever law enforcement agency it is that catches him) must be loaded if they have the time and beast-power to set up an elaborate sting operation to catch one particular lowlife drunken criminal. Is Morti secretly some evil mastermind that they've been trying to catch for ages? Is the Long Patrol basically the Night's Watch now? Also, is it really considered theft if it appears to the thief that someone stupidly left behind a bag of gold in an otherwise abandoned shop? Whatever happened to finder's keepers??

Suspension of disbelief aside, Morti is a mess, and I like it. He's going to be super out of his element and have to sober up fast. Or maybe not. Either way, wouldn't mind seeing him get in.


Fildering Dillwithers

Okay.

Every time I get angry from now on and don't want to curse, I'm yelling, "FILDERING DILLWITHERS!" or "SON OF A DILLWITHER!"

Holy descriptors, Batman! Okay, sometimes I feel I need to write a book called, "So You Want to Write a Redwallian Hare." I once wrote a hare that took second place, and his accent was toned down. This is proof that hares don't need to have incredibly over-the-top annoying accents to stand out. Sadly, that seems to be the default setting for most people writing hares: an exaggerated version of the ones in the books. Also, the SPAG here is no bueno, which, as I've already said, is a real bugbear of mine. It was a last minute app, so I am not totally surprised it did not get the TLC it needed before it was sent off. On an unrelated note, Lady Galbraith is a bit of a birch.

"How to get there, you ask? That is but a simple thing. Your heart will show you the way."

Gwurrrrl, that is cold. Kicking out a bunch of teenagers and not even telling them the way? It's like she wants them to get lost and starve to death.


....I kind of wish this app were about her instead. She would be an AMAZING villain.



Most likely choice:
Initially I liked Hisobe best, but now I am leaning more towards Morti. Hisobe's writing is stronger, but I feel Morti has more room to grow as a character. If Hisobe makes it, it would give me great pleasure if you would do something to knock him off his high horse and get him out of his comfort zone. There's nothing wrong with confidence, but smugness gets old to me. Fildering...I'm sorry, I just feel like I really didn't get a sense of who you are except "that hare that started a food fight and got kicked out (and probably intentionally sent to his death) that one time." Props on giving me a new demi-curse, though. I will treasure it forever, you magnificent son of a Dillwither, you.

[Opal]

Navigators!


Dusker Tetch

"If I didn't know better," he said, standing to loom over the table, "I'd think yeh were a dirty cheater, mate."

In a rush, Dusker leapt to his feet. His chair clattered back, too loud in the quiet tavern. "Oh, don't be shy now! Cut right to it! You think I'd cheat you, huh!" He spat on the floor. "You think I'm a cheat?"

Uh, yeah, he does, because he literally just called you a cheater. So I see we have a blind character and a deaf one.

his crisp new coat

Eww. I don't want my clothing to be crispy.

I'm sorry, but I just don't get how he's a navigator. He's going to desperately get on a ship and just...be made Navigator...because? He's in the wrong category. He should've been a stowaway, or the cabin boy, or even the prisoner. The writing is great, really it is, but I would have appreciated a bit more insight into his profession and why the author specifically chose to submit him to this category. I just really hope the reason isn't "because it was near empty at the time."


Robert Rosequill

?Storm?s brew on Fridays...

STORMS. Unless we're talking about a beer called Storm's Brew. Mmm.

And is that a real superstition, I wonder? I've never heard of it. Huh.

?Welp, I?d say that?s enough o? remenissin? for one night...

Reminiscin'. Spell checkers are your friend!

It's not a bad app. It's just not one that I'm particularly crazy about. I do like Robert's energy throughout; he could be a nice, calming presence in a story that will likely be filled with chaos. I like and (sort of) identify with his lament about getting older and not getting the younger generation. He's probably one of the most realistic characters in the whole top thirty; you could actually meet someone like this in real life (if you haven't already).


Rail Crimsarre

I don't know what to do. I like this app, but I don't like that he's a dingo. I really, really don't see why he has to be one. I really don't know what an Australian dingo would be doing in this part of the world at this period in time. It could have been any other species (woodlander, anyway) and the app would not have been affected at all. In fact, I would have PREFERRED an indifferent/neutral woodlander. It would have been more interesting to me. You do not have to choose an exotic species to stand out. It almost always comes across as cheap and gimmicky to me, which is a shame, because in every other aspect, I love Rail. I really do. If he gets in, I want a dang good reason as to why and how they made it up this far north (and why he like, exists at all). Also, if he gets in and no one ever says to someone that's misplaced their food, "Maybe the dingo ate it!" THEN I AM SUING THIS WHOLE CONTEST. AGAIN.


Most likely choice:
This is a hard category for me because all three apps have major flaws that I'm not quite sure I'm willing to overlook. Dusker was miscategorized, Robert's SPAG needs work, and Rail is a species that doesn't make sense and they didn't need to be in the first place. I think maybe Robert, even though he's not my favorite character. He's the most believable. But I could definitely change my mind on this one.

[Vizon]

I'm sorry, but I just don't get how he's a navigator. He's going to desperately get on a ship and just...be made Navigator...because? He's in the wrong category. He should've been a stowaway, or the cabin boy, or even the prisoner. The writing is great, really it is, but I would have appreciated a bit more insight into his profession and why the author specifically chose to submit him to this category.

Dusker is not my top pick in this category, and I happen to agree that Robert is the best choice. That said I do think you did the writer a disfavor by making this claim when he/she stated pretty clearly in the app that Dusker is a "star reader." I mean it appears that he's a bit more of an astrlogist in the mystical "predict-your-future" sense than a "plot out directions" sense, but still, his being a navigator is not entirely out of left field. That's why I put stars behind him in the icon I made.

[Opal]

Ah, I didn't think of "star reader" in that way, but that would make sense. I thought it was more astrology-related, too, since he's into the swindling business.

[Opal]

Damnit, Jim, I'm a HEALER, not a...oh, well, I guess I'm a Doctor, technically.


Merriwether Cheston

When yer drownin' down low, crushed beneath the ship bow

Bzzt. Those two words do not rhyme. You can't string a ship and fire an arrow with it. Still, it's nice to see a song included.

I so, so would have preferred for the entire setting of the app to be Merriwether telling the shrew about the storm (yes, even though that would be telling instead of showing... *le sigh*). The ending was by far the best part of the app. The shrew's line at the end was particularly dark.

Even though this app has a number of glaring faults, I still can't help but like this guy. He's funny, plucky, and a bit tragic, and with some work, I think his writing could really improve. Also, voles don't get nearly enough representation these days.


Crue Sarish

Oh hey, I mistyped her name and it came out Cure. Wonder if it's a coincidence. XP

Anyway, I mostly have nitpicky stuff to say about Crue, because overall I liked her app. I also do really like her name. It's very Redwall-y. I like her bookish and reclusive nature, and her not really liking other beasts so much. The writing, for the most part, is great. It's mostly stuff like references to "fingers" that I didn't like. Also, the ending seemed a bit melodramatic for her. All in all, though, a solid app. It didn't blow me away, but it was very good.


Feorag Grabber

This app has got a few glimmers of brilliance here and there. I like that Feorag knows the weaknesses of goodbeasts and takes advantage of his own kind. Is he related to Desmond? Because he's kind of a jerk. In short, I think I like his character a lot, but I'm not so fond of the writing. It's far too much telling going on. Also, the SPAG could use some work.

Feorag exited the hedgehog's home and closed the door to muffle the sounds and smells of retching. It was going to be a beautiful morning, he could tell by the rays of color from the almost-rising sun. A sailor's good omen.

This is my favorite part. Everyone's being horribly sick and he's just like, "Ooh, pretty morning." XD


Most likely choice:
I like all three, really, and what they would bring to the contest: Merriweather, the plucky comic relief; Crue, the solitary book-snob that kind of secretly hates everyone a bit (which I looooove); and Feorag, with the tried and true scammer who looks down upon his own kind (and would be interesting to see interact with either Gordon or Thaddeus). I think I'm leaning towards Crue right now, simply because her writing was the strongest of the three. Really wouldn't mind to see any of them in, though!

[Opal]

Stowaways!


Ghost

Wow, this is actually the second app I've read with a character named Ghost. The last was in, erm...RV4, I think. Contests have been going for a while...

He had become half-crazed when HE finally came, hardly caring whether he lived or died. Ghost had all but lost himself, snapping and hissing to keep his tormenters at a distance, throwing himself at the iron bars of his cage, raging gibberish. Only HE had seen Ghost?s true potential. And only HE had the kind of influence and power to convince Ghost?s callous-hearted masters to sell him. Once released into HIS custody, Ghost had finally been allowed to vanish. In fact, he had been encouraged to do so. It was all Ghost had ever wanted, and his gratitude transformed into the deepest loyalty.

Okay, unintentional innuendos aside, use italics! Capitals look a bit amateur. Also, who is HE? Why should we care who HE is? Isn't this app supposed to be about Ghost?

I guess his species is...if you reeeeeeaaally stretch the imagination, possible to have made it so far north, but it just seems gimmicky to me. As if the author saw a nature show and was like, "That looks cool and weird. I have to write that!" It's like they're trying to create this air of mystery, but it all just kind of fell a bit flat for me. Too much talk about a mysterious HE and not a lot else. Okay, so Ghost wants revenge because (I guess?) Atlas killed HE.  Also, there is so, so much telling here. They picked the wrong scene to show, methinks. This app isn't bad, but it's also just not one that I find particularly interesting. Ghost's author held their cards a little too close to their chest. I didn't get enough information to identify with him or become intrigued.

And all this talk of HE reminds me of a quote that I, sadly, could not find a video for:

"I think you'll find Bob just the man for this job, Blackadder. He has a splendid sense of humour."
"He, sir? He? He?"
"You see, you're laughing already!"

Anyway.


Ciera 2: Electric Boogaloo

This app is almost stellar, but it falls juuuust short for me. The writing just gets a bit too melodramatic at times, which doesn't do the character justice at all. I liked Ciera's horrible and not at all noble reasoning for taking the fall, but, well, I just don't like her as much as Ciera OG (whom I reviewed first in judging, though not here). I know I shouldn't be comparing her to Other Ciera, but I can't help it. The two Cieras thing would be so confusing. Maybe she could go by Cici? I dunno. Something has to happen. Anyway, I wouldn't mind seeing her in, really. Her writing is quite good and I'm sure the name thing could be resolved.


Plink

In all honesty, I didn't notice the character's age until after I skimmed it for the first time. Then it made both more and, somehow, less sense to me. I think it was the whole bit about pretending to be married that made me think she was an older, runty rat.

her small rattish ears.

A rat with rattish ears? What are the odds??

Still, props to the author for taking the risk. Younger characters are hard to write. Been there, done that, took pictures, wrote postcards. It's rough keeping a young 'un relevant to the story with all the violence and such going on around them, so I always appreciate when someone is willing to take the risk.


Most likely choice:
While Ghost would provide a lot of tension with the rest of the cast, being an angry outcast and all, and Ciera would produce great writing, I think I might have to go with Plink. Her writing wasn't the strongest, but I'm just interested to see how she fits in with the rest of the cast. I'm still a bit on the fence on this one, though.

[Opal]

O Captains My Captains!


Skiz

I saw little bits and hints of characterization here and there, with Skiz's decision to betray the captain (okay, in re-reading this, I think I meant to type something other than "captain," but I honestly don't know what now; I think I meant betraying pirate code?), but otherwise, I didn't get much else but way too much dialogue and awkward dialogue tags.

frowned the rat.

How does one frown a sentence, exactly?

He gave a whoop, rushing to the side of the boat, and gave an exhilarated grin.

Skiz: the Marten that Keeps on Giving.

I dunno. I feel pretty meh about this application, mainly because there was so much going on, I didn't really get a chance to know who Skiz is. The writing is decent, though, so there's definitely potential there, as long as they cut down on weird dialogue tags and show more characterization.


Ciera Ancora

She pitied the young fool.

Okay, if she gets in, Vizon HAS to draw her as Mr. T.

Wow, I was really impressed by this app. Ciera is a villain, certainly, because she tortured a child, but her motivations are realistic. I found myself wanting to learn more about her. There were no glaring SPAG errors that I noticed, and the writing is great. I really hope she gets in. Seriously, this was my absolute favorite app of all the apps. To anyone attempting to write a believable baddie, please take note of this. This is the right way to do it, kiddies. I am more than a bit envious, to be honest, because I've never been that great at writing evil vermin characters.

I seriously, seriously can't say enough how much I love this app.


Valencia, a.k.a. Voodoo Mama Joojoo

Smoke curled up from the brazier, winding its way past the dangling bones and charms that crowded the air, until it struck the pockmarked wood of the ceiling and burst, suffusing the cabin with the smell of burnt sage.

Smoke doesn't strike things. It doesn't really burst either. Maybe if the cabin was full of smoke and she opened a window, it would burst out, but otherwise...weird imagery. Took me a moment to get past it.

Okay, if that isn't a Jamaican accent, then I have no idea what they were trying for. So...how? How did they get all the way over here? Or, I guess, why? Does she have to have that accent in particular? Can't she be into the spirit world without, like, being from the other side of the world?

I see she copied the map and hid a copy on her person, because...reasons, I'm assuming?

I really don't get any sense of characterization out of this. Who is Valencia? She doesn't trust her crew with the original map and she has an outrrrrageous accentuh and is all voodoo-y. That's about it. Writing is decent, but not gripping. I'd rather see Skiz or Ciera (but hopefully Ciera!).


Obvious Most likely choice:
Um, I just kind of feel sorry for Skiz and Valencia. Any other category and they'd have a fighting chance to get my vote. Unfortunately, they're up against Ciera, and...

Yeah, Ciera. Ciera. A thousand times Ciera. <3

[Opal]

Quartermasters!


Pasha Shapalashi

Iiiinteresting. If I'm not mistaken, at the end she is going to lay her eggs, and she was looking for a place to bury them for incubation. Hmm. I kind of rolled my eyes at the "all mammals are weaker than me" bit. I'm not sure if it was just her ego talking, or if they really believe they're stronger than everyone else. I do like that she hates speaking their language, though.

I think the writing is good, but I'm still not sure what to make of the character. I think I would have to see more of them to really get a good picture, which kind of defeats the purpose of the application process. Still, I think with their writing ability, they could do well enough.


Morra Sharptongue

This application started out nicely. The first two paragraphs, while a bit more filler than setup, were amusing. That's why I was a little surprised to then see such an annoyingly written accent from this author. You don't have to write everything out phonetically. Trust that the audience will pick up the hints and make the connections in their own minds. Otherwise, it's distracting.

Then, there was a pointless break in the middle of the application. If Mr. Kril was due to be sent in, why skip ahead in such a jarring way? It's so, so easy to add a clause like, "A short time later..." or something to that effect.

The ending was anticlimactic; Morra's reaction to the impending mutiny is entirely too passive, which bores me. If she doesn't care about anything going on around here, I don't see her actively getting involved in the story much. Six or seven weeks of watching her sitting around reacting to the story and sending other beasts to do her dirty work would be painful to read. Also, the author takes more care describing Toothache and Mr. Kril than Morra. No idea what she looks like at all. Could really have done without the "hideously obese" remark, too. Since the author didn't make it clear that it is Morra who thinks fatness is "hideous," I have to wonder if it's a prejudice held by the author as well. And obviously, being one of those "hideous" fat people, it doesn't sit well with me. At all.


Vasily Izhets

He's amusing. Very amusing. I'll give him that. I'm not sure about his longevity in the contest, though. He didn't get "hired" in a very believable way, and I just...I dunno. Why is he desperate to get on this ship? There's just not a lot of characterization there, other than "pathological liar." But the writing is good. I think he could have some very entertaining posts, so I honestly wouldn't mind seeing him get in for that reason alone. Just wish I knew a bit more about him.


Most likely choice:
Pasha would be fun to watch interacting with the others (and I wonder what she'd get up to with Ghost), Morra would be a sort of puppet master, and Vasily would be impossible to trust or pin down. All three would bring very different things to the table. Right now, for sheer strength of writing and characterization, it has most likely got to be Pasha for me. Vasily would have scored higher if he'd given us a little more insight into his past and motivations. Morra would have if she weren't so reactionary to everything, and if she would just tone down the phonetic spellings of her accent a bit.

[Opal]

Slavemasters!


Chak Ku'rill

I'm intrigued to know just what made this sea otter become a slaver on a pirate ship. I suspect insanity is a factor, as Chak seems to be obsessed with his work, and the drumbeat, and becomes (more) violent when he feels out of his element. This story could use a good dose of crazy. I really don't have much else to say other than that. The writing is mostly quite good (but a point off for the random POV switch to the mouse in the middle of it), and Chak makes sense where he is. It's not as though someone just took a woodlander and made him hang out with pirates because he's EDGY and stuff. There's obviously a real reason as to why he's there. I really would like to see this guy get in. One of my favorite apps of the bunch.


Scrant

The place always had grand visions of itself.  First it called itself a city.  Anyone hear of a city one could explore in an hour?  Then it called itself a port.  One rickety dock that could hold two vessels didn't make a port.  And last, but most laughable, some fool named it Bright Star.  Night breezes kept the place under perpetual clouds and drizzle.  Not enough to call it rain, but enough to keep one's fur wet.

So...am I to gather that it's called Bright Star City Port? City Port Bright Star? Port of Bright Star City? Not a clue. Wanna help me out there, author? No? Okay.

The ermine slipped into his booth while he watched the girl return to the bar.  He excused his inattention to age.  At least he kept his composure and didn't let his uninvited guest know that he startled him.

This paragraph is a confusing mess. At first I thought they got their own character's species wrong, or changed it in a rewrite but forgot to change all of the references to it. All they had to do was say, "AN ermine." "THE ermine" makes it sound as though they are referring to a character that was previously established. It's especially confusing when the next sentence doesn't clearly mark Scrant as the subject either. It could be the ermine excusing his inattention as much as it could be Scrant.

"Just what can you do for my captain," the ermine asked.

You know, there's a much easier way to indicate that someone is asking something. There's an app symbol for that!

Clarity issues aside, I'm just not digging Scrant. This app is short, but somehow feels to go on for too long at the same time. If I'm correct, Scrant is an old rat who is still like totally really good at everything he does. I guess he could just be all talk, but since this is the scene the author has chosen to show (or, rather, tell) us and they have given no other indication otherwise, I'm led to believe that Scrant really is that perfect. It's a shame, because badtail old guys can be awesome. Scrant just seems more like a cranky, annoying know-it-all than anything else. It's cool that they brought up whaling, but otherwise, meh. It's like they tried to give him actual flaws, like being older and weaker than the others, but they were too afraid to actually go there (a phrase which here means, "have an interesting and well-rounded character"), so they compensated by making him good at everything else. Even Mary-Sues can have flaws (**coughBellafreakingSwancough**), and we all know how I feel about Mary-Sues.

I apologize for the harshness of this review. It's just frustrating to me because Scrant could have been so cool. If you get in, you'd better weerrrrk, dahling.


Mari

There was quite a lot of pounding going on in the cramped slavemaster?s cabin.

I'm sorry, but...this makes my mind go to bad places. I'm so, so sorry. XD

Holy adverbs, Batman! Mari could be good if she tones it down a bit. The biggest problem I have, though, is, how did she get to be the slavedriver in the first place, if she's totally useless? I wish some explanation had been given. I really hope the author has one.

?I can?t fix dead,? Mari stated to the world in general.

Eh? To the entire world? What an odd phrase to use.

The ending was kind of funny, though. I personally think bagpipes would be waaay more torturous, but a badly played accordion could be awful as well.


Most likely choice:
Scrant really does nothing for me as a character, and it makes me sad, because he should. Mari would be a silly, incompetent addition to the cast, which could be interesting. Ultimately, though, it's the ever-so-cray Chak who takes the cake for me. Not likely to change my mind about this one.

[Eliza Lacrimosa]

Beggin yer pardon, Tara, but I think the reason Mari got made a slavedriver was for mouthing off to the captain. If the captain is suitably evil it stands to reason they'd punish Mari by making her do a job she sucks at, so that she can be repeatedly called a failure and punished over and over again.

Just my thoughts, but I'm crazy, so...

[Opal]

Cooks.

No exclamation mark, because, full disclosure, I was very disappointed with them all. I said before that the cooks were getting no love, and even with three apps in, I still say they essentially got no love. I appreciate that people wanted to make sure the category was full, but I just wish we could have had more to choose from. Whoever gets in is really going to need to up their game, and fast.

These reviews are the most brutal of all, so I'm warning you now to skip over these reviews if you either loved the cooks or don't like my bluntness.




















































Everybody gone? All righty, let's go!


Orwin

(He could take the little sloop he'd hidden outside and head for open water, seeing as moving at least seemed to give him a slightly higher chance of survival)

Thank you, Plot Convenience Fairy! It's just what I've always wanted!

Yeah, no, a lowly cook could totally escape an insane badger and heavily-armed, well-trained hares. I totally buy that.

The SPAG is a mess; you don't capitalize "the" in the middle of a sentence, and "wavevermin"? Awk.

just as a calloused paw swiped at his tunic.

If he's running away and it only touched fabric, how in holy heckles can he tell what the paw looks/feels like?

So much no. Someone clearly saw I'd been lamenting about there being no cooks and cobbled this little number together in all of ten minutes, max.


Wilson Willow

Okay, I want him to get in just so he can be swept overboard to his death and have everyone scream, "WILSOOOOOOOON!" after him.

Too bad that would be pretty much the only reason.

His bravery failing him the plump otter backed himself against the railing as the fox leaned forward to growl at him.

Slowly the beasts dispersed, leaving Willow alone.

Wha...? So the fox closes in, growls, and then is just like, "Welp, nighty-night then!"?

This app's only saving grace is that it's slightly better than Orwin.


Vera Silvertooth

So Vera gets a job as a cook at a fort just so she can steal one piece of jewelry and then burn the place down, killing everyone inside? Because of an amulet.

An amulet.

Seems like not only crazy overkill, but also an awful lot of work.

But I guess when you're a Mary-Sue, it's a piece of cake. Or bread, or whatever.


P.S. Could tell the amulet was baked into the bread as soon as they mentioned the bread. **yaaaaawn**


Most likely choice:
This category makes me so sad, because cooks have so much potential and it's frustrating that only three people even went for it. Anyone can write a captain or a warrior decently; it takes more skill to keep a cook relevant to the story, and I'm annoyed that only three people were brave enough to try. So really, I owe you three an apology. I did not like your apps, at all, but you at least were willing to go for an unpopular and more challenging category. Did you rise to the occasion? No. But you should at least be commended for going the unconventional route.

Orwin, dear, it's a big no from me, I'm afraid. There was just no characterization whatsoever. It was all action, and it wasn't even believable action. I have no idea who Orwin is.

Wilson, an otter that is afraid of water has been done before in past contests, and much better. I feel it's the only real gimmick you've got going for you, but at least you showed a bit of characterization.

Vera, you would've worked for me if you'd owned the overkill. As it is, it just doesn't seem like you put much thought into how much work it would've been for her to do all that for one piece of jewelry. If Vera were completely batpoo crazy, or was like, a pyromaniac as well as a kleptomaniac, it might have worked better. As it was, her actions just didn't make sense to me. Your writing was probably the best of the three, though.

I may abstain from voting in this category all together, because I honestly don't feel strongly enough about any of the three to cast a vote.

[Opal]

Beggin yer pardon, Tara, but I think the reason Mari got made a slavedriver was for mouthing off to the captain. If the captain is suitably evil it stands to reason they'd punish Mari by making her do a job she sucks at, so that she can be repeatedly called a failure and punished over and over again.

Just my thoughts, but I'm crazy, so...

Well, if that was their intention, they could have made it a bit more obvious. That would make sense, though. Still very much on the Chak Train.



Finally, we have the Prisoners!


Tooley Bostay

A name that was, I'm guessing, derived from the author making random sounds until they finally settled on what we see before us. (Sorry, I was on a weird name kick at the time. Y'all gave some crazy ones on the last day.)

He's good, but...I really don't get what's happening. Read the ending several times and still don't get it. Someone's dead, and they're letting Tooley out? Who the heck is Ginson? Why do we care?

(This is a short review, and I keep trying to think of ways to expand on it here, but I'm coming up short. Sorry. Not that I would mind if he got in; I just don't feel like...much of a connection to him as a character or anything.)


Nisky Banchibar

GONNA BREAK THINGS. THESE NAAAMES.

Other than that, I kind of love her. Older characters are pretty rare, and the writing is good, and I told you I was doing short reviews now.

To expand a bit, since Nisky is awesome: Scrant's author needs to read and study this. This is how older characters should be written. You do not have to overcompensate with skill to "even them out," so to speak. They can still be endearing and brave and wonderful and just, I love Nisky. Please title one of your posts "Nisky Business" if you get in, for meeee. Pleaseplease?

Oh, and, sooo nitpicky of me, but it's very obvious you're not a Brit, because scones are NOT cut into triangles in England. They're round. Again, tiny and insignificant (AND I STILL LOVE YOU), but I just had to mention it.

I just wish you could've been in the Cook category somehow. You would've swept the board, easily.


Brother Bogdan, a.k.a. Doctor HMouse, Metaphysician

It's certainly an interesting concept, but then it's like, oh yeah, this is the prisoner category. Better shoe-horn that in before I run out of space!

(Again, last minute app, short review. I did like Bogdan, though. Metaphysics is certainly an unusual and original choice of profession!)


Most likely choice: Overall I liked all the prisoners, or at least believe they are strong enough writers to really hold their own in the contest. Tooley really wasn't as memorable as the other two, and he lacked sufficient characterization. I LOVE me some Nisky, because she's old and she's plucky and she's just like, awesomeness, but I'm torn between her and Brother Bogdan, because metaphysics! I feel that his character might not be as dynamic as Nisky, so I'm leaning toward her, but I don't know. It could go either way, I think.

[Vizon]

He's good, but...I really don't get what's happening. Read the ending several times and still don't get it. Someone's dead, and they're letting Tooley out? Who the heck is Ginson? Why do we care?

Since I just finished this category I'm going through the board now to read everyone else's reviews on the prisoners (I try to not read other reviews of apps I haven't read yet). Having just read Tooley, I can clarify this for you. You have to kind of go back to his recollections of previous times he got in trouble. One of those times was when he was on kitchen duty and (intentionally or accidentally) dropped a knife in first mate Ginson's soup. Apparently they took it as a very poor assassination attempt, and so now that the first mate's been poisoned to death, Tooley is top on the suspects list. It is kind of a lame conclusion that a knife in a soup bowl would be considered an assassination attempt, but it probably did annoy Ginson plenty if Tooley was thrown in the brig for it. Which meant there was some bad blood between the two at the least.

I just wish you could've been in the Cook category somehow. You would've swept the board, easily.

Maybe she still can be the cook. I can imagine if something happens to the cook early on (likely) and the crew sees Nisky has cooking powers, she might just find herself a way out of the brig. Though they might have someone watching her carefully to make sure she doesn't poison everyone. I think that would be a pretty logical way for the story to go if she makes it in, cause she won't be much fun (or probably last very long) if she stays in the brig. Anyway she's old enough that I don't think the pirates would be much afraid of her if they did let her out. Maybe she'd convince them after complaining about how AWFUL the prison food was, that she could definitely do a better job. I can imagine her describing to her captors all the delicious delicacies she's capable of creating and them absolutely drooling...

[JewelThief]

Personally, after going with Brother Bogdan in the Prisoner category, I decided not to go for Crue Sarrish.

She's a solitary book snob, yes. Like Bogdan, and I'd personally prefer a lot more variety in the cast.

And having read Mossflower Odyssey II and having to deal with Mila for so long... I feel as if I've alas, had my fill of solitary, bookish squirrels.

Her writing is definitely the strongest thing going for her, however. Character-wise though, I just can't understand why so many have her as their top choice for Healer.
Crue, besides her delightfully awkward name, just doesn't feel like she'd fit into such a swashbuckling tale of scum and seafarers.