In Misery and Relief

[shorestar]

I almost don't want to start with Celosia, since I'll look like such a softie... But I'll admit, Celosia was in my top five apps. I was very disappointed not to see her make it into the competition. 

I thought you did an excellent job of mimicking Jacques style and liked the questions that were raised as to whether Celosia was necessarily completely sane. We've seen characters become reckless with grief in Redwall before, but usually it's grief paired with rage, and rage was very noticeably absent here. I did take off a smidgeon for prose that grew somewhat awkard in places. Here's one place that gave me pause:

"No, no. I don't hate her. I wish I knew why she killed them -" Celosia stopped, eyes glazing as her thoughts left the conversation. The Abbot remained silent; a comforting presence.

I'll get to everyone else's stuff later, I promise... but I'm a bit busy this afternoon. =)

[Opal]

WARNING: These reviews are not for the faint of heart. :P


Celosia: The idea just didn't seem terribly original to me. A maid that wants to be a warrior to (possibly) seek vengeance on her dead family? It was well written, but so were the nine. We did have to turn away a lot of good apps and the scores were really close on many of them.

Coralclaw: It was the accent that did it for me, I'm afraid. I think if Coralclaw had gotten in I would have begged you to tone it down a bit, because otherwise it would become rather tedious to read. And that, coupled with the stuttering character, was a bit too much for me.

Lykke: I think what brought Lykke down overall was the time period issue. Card games and such, it just felt like it belonged in the VI rather than the Redwall universe. Also, there were some SPAG issues, such as quotations being written, "Like this." He said. Rather than the correct way, which would be, "Like this," he said. I think if the setting and SPAG were different, I would've given her a much higher score, but as it was it was a bit too much to ignore.

Alethia: Again, time period issues. Vermin schools and dunce caps? It just really didn't feel Redwally enough to me. Also, I was very confused by the ending. I was under the impression that she enjoyed being punished by her teacher, which seemed kind of inappropriate. But it makes sense now that you've explained what was really happening. Sadly, I just couldn't get that explanation by simply reading the app. The SPAG was much better on this one though.

Croup: Croup was pretty high up in the ranking, but he fell just short for several reasons. I like that you branched out and made him a toad, but what I didn't like was that he was lightning fast. I've seen my fair share of toads, but I've never seen one move "impossibly" fast. Also, I was a bit confused by what even happened at the end, and the ending felt sort of rushed. It started out very nicely, though, and I liked Croup's thoughts.

Addison: I just found the premise a little hard to believe. He seems to think he's a hedgehog, and yet he seems old enough to be able to tell that he looks just like a fox. Also, I think mainly it was just a matter of writing style preference.

Eilat: The modern sizes threw more than one of us for a loop, to be sure. Also, I don't know, but it sounds like Madam Tallow sort of...switches characters. One minute she's the seamstress, and then she's the customer. I think it went just a little heavy-handed on the characterization too. Show, don't tell, and all that. But otherwise, I liked it.

Elin: Well, sorry to say, but you're right. The biggest reason was that nobody had any clue what was even going on here. The only reason I knew was because I asked you on AIM. :P But yeah, that, and I think some people did not prefer that style of writing. And there was so much action that it masked almost all of the characterization.

Promise: It was two things. Of course, the name was one of them, but also the fact that Michael completely upstaged her as the more interesting character. I was worried she'd play off him too much and that her character sort of depended on him.

Hazenval: Er, do you want me to review this one? You didn't paste it up so I'm not sure.

[Jarrtail]

Here's my app. I quite liked it, but I'd like your opinions:

Greenfang stabbed toward the right, ducking as he did so. Straightening up, the aging weasel slashed downward, chopping off an arm, and, for good measure, executed a nice sideways sweep with his scimitar, neatly decapitating his opponent.

?Oh, very nice, I?m sure that Cluny th? Scourge is gonna pass by right now an? make yew a bloody captain.?

Greenfang didn?t bother turning his head toward the condescending voice, instead choosing to ignore it as he gathered up the remains of what had up until five seconds ago been two ale kegs, a bucket, and a broom. Or, in other words, his practice dummy. Greenfang?s sword hadn?t tasted blood in over seven seasons.

Wrapping his scarred arms around the lot, the weasel staggered back into the old tavern that served as his home. Unfortunately, he shared the housing with a sarcastic ale brewer by the name of Slimetail, the beast who had insulted him, and whom he pointedly shoved out of his way on the way inside. The large rat just laughed, making Greenfang all the more infuriated.

I don?t deserve this, he thought as he dumped what had formerly been his practice dummy in the firewood heap, I?m a decorated combat veteran. I served in the Northland Defense and Containment, for Vulpuz?s sake! And now I?m stuck in a dingy tavern serving ale that can eat holes through wood to beasts that are too drunk to care.

As he limped his way back behind the counter, the weasel reflexively rubbed the wolf tooth that he wore on a string around his neck. Prior to serving as a necklace, the fang had enjoyed an annoyingly long period of time embedded in his shoulder. One might think that Greenfang kept it for good luck, but he?d lived too long to buy into such things. He wore it as a reminder to always watch for enemies leaping down from above him.

He had almost limped his way into the back room when he felt a light tap on his shoulder. Bugger, he thought as he turned around to face Ralth, one of the disreputable tavern?s few regular customers.

?So, what?ll it be tonight?? he asked cautiously. She had a habit of asking for things that weren?t available, nonexistent, completely unethical, or all of the above.

?I?ll ?ave th? nettle beer, wid a roasht woodpigeon, an? make it shnappy!? The female ferret?s rancid breath washed over Greenfang?s nose as she talked, making him cringe.

Greenfang almost told her that they didn?t have woodpigeon (the tavern did, in fact serve food, but calling it that was certainly a stretch), but then caught himself. She wouldn?t notice as long as he brought the alcohol.

Grabbing a mug that looked clean, inasmuch as it didn?t have anything growing in it, the weasel used his free paw to open a trapdoor and climbed down the ladder into the tavern?s basement/brewery/larder.

After he had filled up the glass from one of the many barrels marked ?Beer?, he was making his way up the ladder when his right arm, the one holding the cup, seized up and went limp, causing the mug to fall to the floor, shattering it.

Greenfang swore an oath, and regretted chopping up the broom earlier. Ah, well, he thought as he swept the mess under a shelf, that?s the reward I get for spending thirty-three of my forty-seven seasons alive on the battlefield: a bad leg and a worse arm. I just need one more chance to fight, so I can die as a soldier fighting a war, not as a barkeep serving undrinkable beer in a moldy tavern. Just one last chance?  

[neopraxus]

I haven't ever done much in the way of reviews, but I'm going to take whack at it.  I'm really not that great of writer even, so I give my apologies if I say something stupid or untrue in these ?reviews?.  Also beware of some possible SPAG in here, as I'm writing it in a hurry.  If you find something serious point it out to me and I'll fix it.

Celosia: 2 1/2 Stars (out of 5)

I would agree with you she is a rather stereotypical character for Redwall books, though actually I rather like the more Redwallian feel to Celosia.  Sometimes I think the most original thing you can do is to make a character that feels like it belongs in the books.  Because really, how many clinically insane characters can we read about in these contests* before it stops being fresh and original?  Unfortunately I also think Celosia seems a bit too good, too pure. Or at least she appears so, she could have had some kind of underlying motive in getting out of Redwall, whether it be revenge or something else entirely.  I would've liked to hear more of her internal thoughts so I would've known whether she really was a living saint on par with Mother Teresa, or maybe wasn't quite as perfect as she seemed.  All and all I liked her, though I might mention I'm a bit a of creepy fan of yours on the VI, and will sometimes lurk about the web-site reading random posts of yours, whether they're old or new.  

*I don't mean to diss people who write about insane characters.  I'm just saying that sometimes it seems like Mossflower Woods has a unrealistic ratio of Crazies VS Not-Crazies.

Coralclaw: 4 Stars

I'm going to agree with Kenner here, a nicely written character.  I really enjoyed reading it.  Though if you had some SPAG problems when it was submitted it might explain it's absence from the Top Nine.  Through the application I get a pretty well rounded idea of what sort of girl Coralclaw is.  She's rough around the edges, as tough as nails, enjoys torturing her future mate, but is ready to give up the rat (or ferret) race, for the easier life of nobility.  My only problem was the difficulty I had with reading Coralclaw's speech, that's probably just me being dense, but you might of made it a little easier to read with out ruining her rough character.


Alethia: 3 Stars

Another very enjoyable application, it's entertainingly written, and does a good job of putting the reader in the stoat-maids position.  At first one thinks that she is just a impulsive liar, but at the end you realize that perhaps she isn't a liar.  But then what is she? That's the problem, I have a lot of questions at the end, but not much else.  This makes me want to hear more about her, which was probably kind of the idea.  But there's fine line between a cliff-hanger, and just a confusing ending.  Is she crazy? Is she being visited by her Father's ghost?  Is she in fact so dedicated to her lies that they become the truth to her? Is her father visiting her every night, and her sister is in fact her mother?  Or does she have stuffed plushy that claims to be her father, but actually is a robot from the future named Mimzy?  But despite the confusing ending, it is a excellent read.  I enjoyed it and I imagine it survived for quite awhile in the elimination gauntlet.  
And as an afterthought I have to wonder how a vermin school exists anyway?  I understand most applications aren't exactly true to the books, but in my experience with the Redwall Universe vermin don't normally settle down in one place to make families.  When they do settle down they usually do so when they capture or make some kind of fortress.  And even then, a very militaristic life style continues, and the horde hierarchy remains mostly untouched from the wandering days.  I just have a hard time imaging the average vermin parents caring enough about their childrens' education as to warrant an actual school for vermin.  I could see perhaps a tutor for rich and powerful vermin children but I got the feeling that this was basically a one room school house serving the low to middle class vermin children.  I have to wonder how this came to be, sorry about the rambling.  


Lykke: 3 Stars

Oh so Lykke actually means luck, not like, interesting.  Having her species in there probably would've helped, it's bummer when something like that happens.  Of course when I read it the first time I didn't even notice it missing, possibly thanks to the captivating story.  I Lykke it very much :).  The writing keeps you moving through the whole thing, seamlessly recalling the past and remaining in the present throughout it all.  At the end I had not only found out about the background of the situation, but had to ran through a little chase scene as well.  Something I noticed though was some possibly conflicting characteristics in Lykke.  First of all we find out she's a party girl, she likes to dance and go to social events, hanging out with dashing males.  This all well and good, but then we find out she's a card guru too?  She's good at numbers and knows her way around a deck of cards.  Now this combination isn't all that unlikely, but it would have been nice to find out how she learned these skills.  Does her father run a casino maybe?  Did she grow up around a deck of cards? And why? It would've been nice to know a bit more about things like that.  Plus I stumbled upon a bit of SPAG on the seventh paragraph

And then he invited her to watch a card game, to be his partner at it.  And because she know how to count the numbers, watch the cards, he toasted her as his Lady Luck.

It's minor I know, but I thought I'd point it out.


Croup: 2 Stars

It's exciting to see a frog application, as often as they appear in the books it seems like they're mostly ignored in fan-fics and contests such as these.  So anyway, I thought that in some spots the writing could have used some smoothing out, it seemed to me to be just a bit harder to read then some of the others.  Plus I found some slight conflicts in the dialogue, at the beginning one gets the impression that Croup is hiding something from the attacker when he says.

?You will never get anything out of me,? he croaked. ?Even to the day when I catch my last fly, nothing will I tell.?

At least that's the impression I got.  Then almost instantly after that, he doesn't have anything to hide, he just got caught looking at somebody wrong.

?It?s not often that I see another beast, you must understand(...) I am a hermit, by choice I live on my own. Separated from the world, I can survive in peace.?

That strikes me as a bit of change in direction, though you could say that it was just the erratic nature of Croup's vision to blame.  Finally what do we find out about Mr. Croup?  He is a hermit-frog, fairly peace-loving now, but in the past he had done things that he regrets.  Some very bad things judging from the violence of his vision.  He is a bit of intellectual perhaps, smarter then the average frog.  But as for his personality I know very little I'm afraid.  Maybe my reading comprehension is just that bad, I  don't know if he's compassionate, or real jerk.  I don't know how he would react to finding a wounded helpless beast in the forest.  Would he take their possessions? Or would he take them in and heal them?  But despite a few problems I just want you to know that I did enjoy reading it, some well crafted twists gave the application life, and the ending makes you hungry for more.


Addison Keskin: 4 Stars

Another very nice application, though I missed the identity hint.  Probably because I haven't read much of your work, but oh well.  I really liked this application, It was fun to read and the character is quite likeable.  Of course what little fox cub isn't likeable? :)  I'm not really sure if the application suffered because of this but there seemed to be quite a lot of dialogue, maybe a bit much.  But then I can't say I noticed a lack of internal thought in Addison, in fact it was quite the opposite.  When you first had him speak I noticed that he spoke pretty well, and I was thinking maybe you should've made him talk a bit less grown up-ish.  Then immediately you showed ?Mother? to be a bit of a stickler when it comes to how little Addison spoke.  You did a good job with the personalities, I guess I have a bit of trouble finding things I dislike about the application, a few spots may have used some refining.  Though like you said Addison may have simply been a weak character, and maybe if you had done something a bit more flashy it may have gone better.  Despite this I still find myself liking Addison quite a bit.

Eilat: 3 Stars

An interesting little story here, a dressmaker apprentice (like Reena in TED, except Eilat doesn't end up killing her boss with scissors and falling in love with a dentist. :/ ) makes a dress to small for the customer.  A bit of an awkward situation.  Anyway, like you mentioned, the amount of information you were able to fit in a application this size is impressive.  Though it isn't the most exciting application it keeps your attention well enough, and it's well written.  As far as Eilat's character, she seems rather immature, but takes her work very seriously.  Other then that I don't know a lot about her, besides her being a dressmaker apprentice of course.  There's a little double negative in the otter's dialogue,

?I didn' know there was no beast back here.?

I don't know if this is intentional or not but it kind of threw me when I first saw it.  It's probably just the uneducated otter's poor language though.  My one other complaint is that the application doesn't have a lot of flash, I mean now that she has this dress she was supposed to redo, but refuses to, what is she going to do?  It seems like a bit of a flat ending to me, I would've like to hear about the dressmaker's reaction to Eilat's defiance, the punishment she endured, or something along those lines.  Overall though the application is good, just missing a few points in my opinion.


And that's my opinion on all of the above, hopefully it's helpful.  Unfortunately I've ran out of time, so that's all I can do for now.  I imagine the actual judges' reviews are a bit more sought after then some dude who hasn't said a word on this board of as yet but that's that.  On that notes I'd like to say hi, it's been fun watching all of you people post franticly the last few days as I lurked in the background.  And now for your tearing apart pleasure I present to you my two applications.

Gregory was my main project, but even on him I was in a huge rush as I began the actual writing process Monday afternoon.  I imagine if I were to review him myself I would probably tear him apart for being to flat, but I feel I got some good practice out of it.

The fragrance of incense mixed with the musky scent of nervous uncertainty, Gregory had come to love that smell.  The room was small and plain, crowded with arching tendrils of smoke originating from a dozen incense burners scattered across floor and table alike.  The scarce light from a single candle was swallowed up in the hazy environment, much like the pretty young mouse-maid was swallowing up every word that Gregory spoke.

?I see a protective spirit around you.  A parent??  

From behind drooping feminine-like eyelashes the hedgehog watched his client for the slightest change in emotion.  Her soft looking ears drooped slightly, was it disappointment? Confusion? Or both?  

?No, it's not a parent.  I sense much love, but the love is passionate.  A lover's love.?

Now the correct expression crossed her features, excitement, love, with a strong dose of sadness.  Gregory had pretended to communicate with the dead since before he had left his mother for the sea, and he had seen the expression countless times.  Everybeast seemed to think that their love was special, unique in some way that only they and their deceased loved one could understand.  But obviously it wasn't, everyone felt it to some degree, and everyone would have it taken away from them at some point.  Thinking that one's own love was somehow special, and worthy of attention was not only egotistical, but was plain wrong.  This opinion hadn't been made out of bitterness, Gregory was a thinker, and as a wanderer he had been able to think a lot.  It was all logical.  But despite his self-proclaimed ?thinker? title, the medium couldn't think of a logical reason for what he did next.

?He wants to give you a message, he misses you, he wants you to-?  Gregory paused, twitching his greying whiskers and counting to five before continuing with apparent hesitation, ?he wants you to join him, to join him in death so that you may be together for all eternity.?  He blinked once, ?I'm sorry, he won't communicate with me any further, it seems he wishes only to speak to you.  I can tell from his aura that he loves you very much.?

That was enough, Gregory kept his face masked with sorrow, and the mouse-maid left in silence, leaving a small sack of sea shells and trinkets on the table as payment.  The moment she was gone all emotion drained from his face, The hedgehog moved his bulky form around the little room and collected his possessions.  He wouldn't be welcome here if the mouse followed the fake advice of her dead sweetheart.  Extinguishing the incense burners he felt a twinge of regret over the message.  He had only been with this mouse tribe for a couple days, and after a difficult winter the demand for a medium like him was high.  Gregory could've milked them for months, instead he would be hungry and cold by tomorrow night.  He hadn't even said those words out of bitterness of the maid's love, or out of hate for her young innocence.  He had simply said them because he could. The medium had sensed her trust in him to be so strong that anything he said would be taken as truth.  He had said it on a whim, and might have just as easily told her she was a mole.  As he finished packing his possessions into a huge haversack and headed out of the little mud hut he tried briefly to make himself regret the message for the sake of the mouse-maid, he couldn't.  He was well out of the village when he heard the cries of alarm, Gregory idly wondered how she had done it.

Grarrrg was my fun little two hour, last minute project, I decided to submit him because I didn't really see a good reason not too.  I had fun writing about him, and I hoped that some judge might enjoy reading about him before they threw it into the trash bin.

Grarrrg wasn't stupid, the part of his brain in charge of thinking had just been annexed by the hitting things with other things part.  It had used the excuse of popular demand.  After all nobody wanted a freakishly massive monitor lizard who used his head, one that hit things with other things was bound to be more popular.  Especially if he partook in violent sports.

Grarrrg heard a bell ring, he had heard this bell very often of late, his captain had told him he was suppose to hit things with other things when he heard this bell.  This particular time there was a sort of weasely looking thing, it ran at him.  He swung his club at it like a babe would paw at a butterfly.  The weasely thing was quick, it missed his club, and then stuck a little sword in his leg.  Grarrrg didn't like this thing, it danced around him like a little bird around a bigger bird.  Or an extremely skilled pine marten assassin around a monitor lizard suffering from an extreme case of giantism and a low self esteem.

?Knock 'is block off Grarrj!?

Grarrrg didn't like it when beasts said his name wrong.  ?Graghuck? his native tongue was a complex and delicate language.  It just so happened that Grarrj was a bad word, Grarrrg knew this, even monitor children knew this.  Most of them didn't know the exact details of the word, but they usually used it so liberally that nearly half the time it was in actually in context.

Ponderously Grarrrg walked towards the edge of the ring the surrounded him and the weasely pine marten.  The insulting voice had come from this direction, Grarrrg wasn't picky, so he picked up a random fox.  The pine marten's thoughts around this point were something like The coward is running away! I win, wow!  And here I thought I was going to die, maybe now that cute lass in the Ladies Fighting Circuit will notice me.  Wow, you're terrible James, you can't even remember her name, is it Serghia? No that's the other one.  Whoa that fox is flying really fas-  His thoughts were temporarily cut off until he woke up in the infirmary.

After shot putting the fox into James, Grarrrg had picked up his former opponent by the tail to claim the ?Champion Fighter of the Known World? title.  The ?Known? being added six seasons ago after an incident with a hare from the far east.  During this tremendous moment Grarrrg's thoughts went something like; This weasely thing's tail is fluffy and soft, I want to keep it.  His captain wouldn't let him keep it, though he mysteriously produced one a few days later for Grarrrg victory party.  

It's odd how winning the biggest fight of one's life effectively end one's fighting career.  There was no beast crazy enough left alive to fight Grarrrg.  As such the next few seasons he spent mostly on the ship.  The captain let him board sea otter ships occasionally.  But that wasn't enough to keep him in shape, too much grog and too little hitting was a bad combination.    His former glory forgotten he faded into nothingness, sitting in a cage, slowly fighting a losing battle against obesity, alcoholism, and still a low self esteem.  Until one day when Bobby the deckswab decided to check just what the captain kept in the unused brig cell.  Nobody ever found Bobby back, and everyone generally avoids that area of the ship.  This made Grarrrg sad and lonely.

[Dirgecallers]

Tara, I lost my app for Baker....can you critique it for me?

By the way, the Croup app was done in the 11th hour, so it WAS rushed. It might have been better with more polish, though. I might try a toad app in future contests though.  It was interesting to say the least.

[Stonewall]

Takes on other characters:

Celosia: I actually liked Celosia. She had the makings of a good protaganist. Not to mention the allusion to a stoat killing her family at the end could have very well been Revel, which worked perfectly in my mind. The only thing I think working against here was the the "Her family was killed by vermin" thing, which might have seemed cliche to some. But hey, everyone needs motivation, am I right? So yeah, you actually had my backing.

Coralclaw:

Funnily enough, this app started out being written for Quincy Sorrel.

Aha. That explains a lot. I felt that the scene was split between the two characters, and the author couldn't decide which character they wanted to back until the very end. Also, perhaps a bit prematurely, I saw... how do I say this... small signs of future god-moding. She keeps one upping poor Quincy, doesn't lose a beat, is street-wise but can make it in high society, has a quick wit, etc. And the thing that really got to me was the mentioning of her being an assassin, almost as an afterthought, in case she gets in trouble later in the story and has to have a reason why she can fight too.

Of course, if I had known the author was the writer of my favorite character in RV4, I wouldn't have worried so much.  ;)

Croup: Actually, this is another one of my favorites that didn't make the grade. I liked the decision to do a toad, and that the first we see of him, he's taking a beating, so we know he's not going to be a Mary Sue. He talks his way out of a fight, and I liked your decision not to show who it was that was beating him; it adds to the suspense, and then we don't know what his opinion are of either vermin or woodlanders. So yeah, I really liked him.

And I have to say, Dirge, you certainly have improved. This really was a nice piece of work.  :)

More later.

[Norf]

"*hic*  :norf:

"'lo dere good fellownscruffs. Oi got 'ere some charmin' likkle appys but don't roightly know why dey didn' get in dere...peraps i shoin't 'ave 'ad dat dere sherry afore settin' dem about dere. *hic* Anyhooz...'ere be der*hic*"

Mmm...if I let Norf do this, you might be here a while. Anyway, part of my is thankful I didn't get in because I Ought To Be Busy With Other Stuff...but I still like the character I came up with so I would luff some input on them. I'm sorta hopeless when it comes to doing good character applications.

First there is Hearth. Hearth is a hedgehog blacksmith with a mysterious past and a violent reaction to thieves. And he is coming down with a cold. I once had a hedgehog character with an olive cloak in my first Redwall fanfiction, but he wasn't ask grim and odd as this.

The rain fell on the hedgehog, dripping off his spikes, down his olive cloak. The white tips of his quills gleamed against the green the waterlogged noontide of ethereal light. The hedgehog sniffed, a sign of a settling cold. He coughed, only confirming the illness. He looked up and down the muddy path tapping his footpaw.
He hummed vaguely. His paws extended before him, he closed his eyes, he visualized: he saw the hammer, the anvil, the sparks, the glowing red of tempered steel fresh from being delivered from flame, waiting to be formed into what it dreamed. The hedgehog would feel the metal's ambitions, and he let it shrive to its full potential under his hammer and sweat. Beyond the glow of red, he saw a sparkle from the corner of his eye, metal of another form, of less humble ambitions than that of iron and steel. The gold mocked him...
The hedgehog frowned.
?Hearth??
The hedgehog wiped a paw across his runny snout. The images melted away with the still falling rain, back to the dull ache of the illness ingrained at the base of his skull. Hearth forced a smile for the sake of the soggy squirrel before him, ?Oh. Clove, how goes??
?You could have stayed in the village, you know. Plenty of space and fires,? the squirrel stated, squeezing excess water from his tail.
?Didn't want to impose. Nobeast wants a crusty hedgepig babbling about old days and metal working.?  Hearth fiddled with his tool belt, the head of a hammer, his grip worn into its handle.
?Hearth, I think the little ones would otter pile you for stories if it weren't for your spikes.?
The hedgehog shrugged, averting his gaze to keep Clove from seeing twitching eyes. ?Ah, they don't know better...still, perhaps, I'll swing by before I head out, leave a few gifts...? he pulled open a side of his cloak. Clove whistled. Inside the cloak, leaves hung, shining of colors violet, ruby, gold, and silver. ?Ah, just a matter of cutting out a right shape, whacking a piece of metal, and heating the copper so colors are unleashed within the flame,? Hearth explained, ?All in the day's work of a meandering metalsmith.?
?Leave me agog ever since I've been a pup, Hearth,? the squirrel said, ?I mean, the things you can do with metal, the flowers and birds. I still have the little tin squirrel you made for me, lance and all. We missed you during your tenure at Southward?? He stopped. The squirrel fiddled with the cords of his coat, as if trying to twiddle away the topic.
Hearth kept the smile pasted, though rubbed his temples, trying fruitlessly to relieve the growing pain in his head. He needed some elder tea soon. Southward being mentioned didn?t help. Wouldn?t help either to tell Clove that. The squirrel only knew of the whispers that surrounded his dismissal and his long absence afterward. Dark rumors no beast would dare tell Hearth.
Rumbling thunder rolled overhead. ?What happened last night?? Clove asked
?What had to be done.?
?I'm sorry. We never expected that...?
?No fear. I've been up against much worse. Nothing to fret about. See, in fact I'll accompany you back to the village.?
?But...um...?
Hearth looked to where the squirrel pointed, to the body of a rat, half-collapsed on the road, a puddle near its head a deep red color. Without response, the hedgehog moved to the body and heaved the rat off the road into the bushes. Rubbing his paws on his cloak, he returned to the squirrel.
?That better?? he asked.
Clove blinked. ?Yes. May I ask what he stole??
?No.?
They walked back to the village in silence.
Hearth hoped for some tea.

And then there was Phelan...a character I made at the last second but I liked a lot better than Hearth. I'm betting it was the fact this involved "fetch" that it didn't make it in...or that my SPAG was deplorable again. The name meant "little wolf," something I would have (or might, if I decide to play with this character later) had fun with in a hopeless mythos basis. You know...like with Bear...that went over well, didn't it?  ;)

And oddly enough, this also took details from the first Redwall fanfic I ever did...except that one involved a mouse and a thrown candied chestnut.

Phelan loosened himself. Arms, legs, footpaws, neck, ears, tail; the fox twitched his whiskers for good measure. Hopped in place thrice, then huffed a few times through his nostrils. His gray fur shimmered in the afternoon forest light as he went through his routine. All he wore was a simple vest, ragged and brown; perhaps it had been red at some point.

Finally he hunkered down, down, onto all four paws. He knew most of his species didn?t do that sort of thing anymore - going onto all four paws naturally. Phelan found it to be quite a useful talent.

Phelan pulled a string of twine that lay on the ground. A snap. A stick flew from the underbrush, upward into a high long arc, forth through the leaves, almost out of sight.

Almost.

Phelan kept his eyes on the stick and leapt into a run; four paws galloping across the ground, swerving round bush and trunk, over dirt and sticks and leaves - a gray blur through the shadows. He loved the thrill of the chase; the wind ruffling his ears, the moments his paws didn?t even touch the ground. The shades of greens and browns melding past his vision. Only the stick remained in focus. He took a side step, he made hold upon a low-lying branch - using the momentum he leapt, turning within midair. His jaws snapped down onto the stick.

He landed on two paws this time, seamlessly. One of the fox?s black-tipped ears twitched, swiveling towards the sound of creaking bowstring. Phelan turned. A red squirrel stood close, arrow notched and ready to let fly at the fox?s still fast-beating heart. Phelan breathed hard, he huffed. It took a while for him to catch his breath now/these days/at the moment/normally.

As he caught his breath, the squirrel spoke. ?What brings you to Mossflower? What is your business? And what manner of species are you??

Phelan took the stick out of his mouth, licking his chops of the woody flavor. He was ready to begin. He straightened his posture and his vest as he addressed the squirrel. ?Sir. I am but a traveling vagabond, finding my true nature wherever my footpaws bring me. Hence, that covers my location and business. As for my species - I am a fox, of course. Just of a more intriguing fur color.?

The squirrel raised a brow. The arrow wavered. Phelan focused on the wooden tip.

?What were you doing? And what do you mean by ?true nature???

Phelan showed the stick. ?Playing a rousing game I like to call ?fetch.? Consists of a stick being catapulted through the air and me catching it, with my mouth. Grand exercise. Helps my mouth-eye coordination. As for the ?true nature? bit ? that takes a little explaining.? Phelan took a step towards the squirrel. Then another. Then another. The arrow still didn?t release. Phelan stared at the squirrel. The grip on the arrow shifted.

A greenhorn young squirrel, inexperienced, wanders the forest for adventure, unaccompanied. No scents on the wind; indeed nary a breeze, so he could do this quite easily. Phelan swung the stick. The arrow flew. The bow dropped. And the next moment, Phelan had a paw gripped around the gurgling squirrel?s neck. He brought his face up close, breath rustling the squirrel?s whiskers. ?Ah, you asked about nature. What is natural? To be using bows and arrows? To be inquiring fruitless nothings? To threaten a creature, who by all rights should be a ? predator.? Phelan showed his teeth in saying the word. The squirrel?s eyes bulged.

?True nature. A fox?s true nature is fairly simple when it comes in terms of squirrel. Allow me to demonstrate.?

And he cracked the squirrel?s neck with his jaws. Like a stick.

Thanks in advance for the notes of comment or advice. Any last words Norf?

"Dont snuff squirreliz."  :norf:

[shorestar]

Coralclaw review

Before I say anything else, I do want to say that this passage made me chuckle each time I read through your app.

He cut her off. ?Occupation??

?Oh?well?killin? fings fer money.?

As Tara mentioned, the stutter and the accent likely made the difficulty of reading your app too high for many judges to give you full marks. I myself did not count off for this - I found your dialogue overall very natural - but I can say that it was likely a tactical error in this situation, especially with how heavy you let it get in lines like this:

?Oh, g?won an? skip t?a vow?l fere, luv,? the ferretess snickered.

I will also say that while I did rate your character moderately well, I did so with the feeling that I was taking a risk. In this app, Coralclaw behaves exactly as she likes, gauges Quincy perfectly, and gets exactly what she wants. That's a very very dangerous thing to do in a situation like this, because characters without meaningful flaws aren't very interesting.

Note I say without meaningful flaws - Coralclaw is obviously greedy, brash, and somewhat reckless, but those flaws did not impede her here in the slightest.

[shorestar]

Alethia Review

Let me start off by posting what I first posted about Alethia in the judges' forum.

I don't like being left in doubt whether her character is crazy or not. If she does have a father, she's just a truthful girl in a bad situation. If she doesn't, she's either having dreams of him she's confusing with reality, or she's lying to everyone, even herself.

Truth is central to the application. The character's name comes from the Greek word for truth. As is, the application is interesting and would make a great start to a short story or a book, but does a poor job of introducing the character.  We're really only told about one facet of the character's emotional/mental landscape, and we're left in doubt exactly what we've been told about that facet.

Interesting set-up. Maybe a tad unbelievable considering that this is a vermin town and the other characters believe Alethia has no real connections or importance. It would be more reasonable to have her starving on the streets. Still, not without potential.

I saw that you said in this thread that you were trying to communicate that she lies about everything. There were two reasons that portrayal failed for me. First, you said that her mad grin was supposed to show that she was lying. To me, it was just another signal that she might be mentally unbalanced. The teacher said things that Alethia said were not true earlier... The grin seemed to me to be kind of threatening, i.e. "You're the one who's lying, why don't you demonstrate your own fate for these beasts."

Also we see this at the end:

Ali had felt the rod many times.  But she couldn?t lie.  She must tell the truth, no matter what.  

This is what Alethia herself thinks. So Alethia thinks she's telling the truth. So, then, do we assume she is insane? Or do we assume that her father really is alive, but people think he's not for some reason? Or do we assume she's having Martin the Warrior-esque visions of the dead? The one thing I wouldn't have assumed is what you seem to be saying that we should assume, i.e. that she knows what she is doing and is a pathological liar.

I had to rate Alethia rather low because I just couldn't tell you a single thing about her character that I was sure about.




Lykke Review

Here's what I initially posted regarding Lykke in the judge's forum

(The app is) alright. I feel like I get almost as good of a picture of Talon as I do of Lykke (which I cannot help but pronounce in my mind as "lick," which does NOT help matters, I assure you).

So what do we know about Lykke? She's young, naive, easily flattered and easily overwhelmed by her emotions. Intelligent, as evidenced by her card counting, but not wise, as evidenced by her initial pursuit of Talon and her decision to flee in such impractical escape attire. She could be an interesting character. It's difficult to say for certain from this application, however.

There are some awkward sentence constructions and a few poor punctuation choices, but overall the SPAG is good.

Some specific criticisms.

?Lykke!?  There was the shout again.  How she hated that name.  Luck? that?s what it was supposed to mean.  Luck for Talon.  Luck for Talon and his never ending card games.

Typically you do not want to have one character's speech in the same paragraph as another character's thoughts. It would have been perfectly fine to make the word Lykke its own paragraph, as you did earlier.

"Eco" should be "echo."

I'd also watch your choices regarding commas and where sentences begin and end. There were a couple places that probably needed commas, such as when Talon says ?That?s enough pretty girl.?  I presume he's not saying that there's been enough of the pretty girl. I think he meant to address Lykke, as in "That?s enough, pretty girl.?

Be careful though, many people overuse commas. You don't want to fall into that trap either.

Lykke watched it?s arc though the air with

No. She watched its arc. "It's" is a contraction of "it is." "Its" is the third person neutral possessive comparable to "his" or "hers."

?You?re mad.?  She screamed.  He slapped her.

Hm... did she scream that he was mad, or did she say that he was mad and then scream? If it's the first, the punctuation is incorrect. If it's the second, that's a bit abrupt and inexplicable to me.

[Jarrtail]

Hm. Could someone review Greenfang for me? I'd really like to know where I could improve.

[Stonewall]

Addison: Given that you billed seventh in my top nine... yeah, I really liked this character, and don't have a whole lot to a ctually critique. I especially liked the child-like writing, such as making mention of his father going to the dark forest, without explicitly saying "He died." It was subtle and lovely. In fact, if I can quote my judging review...

.... I. Love. This. Kid.

Writing from the child point of view is perfect. Interpretations of things going on, such as his father dying and the sweeping of the house, are subtle, and cunningly let's the reader in on what the character himself does not realize. That's called good writing, folks. Addison's a kid, so his contributions are going to be subtle, but we can watch him grow.

Eilat: Fell just short of my original top nine. I liked the idea that the dress gives her power; she's like a super hero! What happens when she loses it? And can she keep up the facade? I liked the idea very much. Unfortunately, the main thing going against this one was that a lot of time was spent on the events leading up to her trying on the dress. IE, a lot of flash back, and not a lot of here and now. That is, she doesn't actually do a whole lot in the application. The character was nice, but the writing was too passive.


Elin: .... Yeah, I don't know how to word this without some barbs attached. I really had no idea what was going on at all. At first, I thought you were having the islands actually talking to one another. And why there was an all powerful squirrel. And what was going on. And just... what was going on?

Alright, all ribbing aside. To understand this app, one had to be in on the story line leading up to the events.  Or at least what the circumstances were to this mass rule. Naturally, you couldn't do that in a 600 word app, and given my previously voiced opinions on flash backs, it wouldn't have been good to do so anyway. So what I would have suggested is to neglect the council altogether and focus solely on Elin. Her chase scene with the rat at the end was used to establish some character of Elin (she's loyal, a veteran, etc), but it was less then half the app, and some of the references, again, didn't make sense unless one knew what the larger picture looked like.

If it's any consolation, I didn't mind Elin's character. We could always use a tough squirrel willing to knock a few heads.

The Promise of Rain: The thing that got me was that your attention is split between Promise and Michael. That is, neither one is the focus of the scene. You try to split attention between them, but this is at the expense of building up Rain and making her character the driving factor. The splitting of the app into three scenes also messed with the tempo; I know there's only so much  you can do when Rain is the only one doing the talking, but I think the moment you used to describe the timeline Michael carved might have been better used if you had her interacting with other beasts and showing more of her personality.

Hazenval: My first impression of this was the age old trap of occupation=personality. He's a thief, and he's sneaky... but we don't know a whole lot else about him. That is, he doesn't have much of a personality, or at least, it doesn't show. Don't get me wrong, I'm not asking for quirks or gimmicks (two things which actually bug me more than entice me), but I felt, had there been more interaction and less exposition, Hazenval would have fared better. I got the impression the heist was the focal point, and Hazenval merely a means to that end.


Greenfang: I liked the direction this one took, as well as the potential for growth. I love "old cop" characters, looking for one more fight, in a world where no one cares and no one appreciates what they've done. So rest assured, it certainly wasn't the character that was the problem.

What deked you points was the lengthy descriptions of the bar, as opposed to elaborating on Greenfang some more. He's going to be in the story; the bar isn't, and you didn't need to establish it as much as you did. It would have been better if you had shown Greenfang talking to the patrons, such as the rude regular you mention, and show how the locals don't like him. That would have gone a lot farther then setting. Of course, this only applies to when you're writing a short 600 word application. In a full length story, do nuts with the description and atmosphere.

[Dozystoat]

Yay, Celosia reviews! *bubbles* Many thanks. ^^ 'm gonna try to read through some of these, but I don't think I'll have anything interesting to say about them. A few I might end up skimming...

...though I might mention I'm a bit a of creepy fan of yours on the VI, and will sometimes lurk about the web-site reading random posts of yours, whether they're old or new.  

Oo-kay, Dark, that's a little creepy there, matey. XD I'm honoured.

Not to mention the allusion to a stoat killing her family at the end could have very well been Revel, which worked perfectly in my mind.

Stoat? I changed it to a rat before sending it in, I was sure. Any references to mustelids are too ... wossword. Incriminating. "Oh, there's mention of a weasel, it must be Dozy, the obsessed nutter." XD Heh.

But 'gates, yes. Man, if Celosia was in there with Revel? ... 'gates. If Celosia's family had been killed and eaten? *gibbers* That would be ... wonderful. o.o

[shorestar]

Regarding Baker

To be honest, I don't think any of us judges quite knew what to make of him. He had an interesting first few paragraphs, but then the dibbun turned out to be a midget and I don't think any of us really followed events after that. The others can feel free to jump in and correct me if I'm wrong.


Now, Croup on the other hand...

got quite high marks indeed from one judge and fair-to-middling-ratings from the rest of us. I thought it had potential. It really seemed like you didn't know how to end the scenario you started in your app, however. You had some nice tension building and then went for an ending that I'd call more or less parallel to the "Oh, it was all a dream!" ending.  Your phrasing was a bit awkward in some places as well and you had some SPAG issues, but I would have been more willing to forgive you these if you'd kept my interest a bit better after you'd caught it.

Some more specific critiques:

Half to himself, and half to the empty void he croaked.

?I forgive you.?

Would probably be more correct as:

Half to himself, half to the empty void, he croaked, "I forgive you."

Which yes, that's a lot of commas. You might have been better off rephrasing entirely, but the way it is now is technically incorrect.

The flow in some places is not particularly good. Here's one place I noticed:

He was roughly pushed onto his back, and he could see the bully. However he could not sit up because of the paw on his chest.

Oh, quick note:

proscribe - to forbid or condemn. prescribe - to order or command

One letter makes a big difference. =)


You said you didn't take a lot of time with these apps. With Baker, I'm not sure what you were trying to accomplish so I can't say how far off you were. With Croup, I think with a bit more thought, care, and some more rigorous editing, you would have had a shot.

[Cairn Destop]

Do the applications need to be posted for comments from the other judges?

Hazenval: My first impression of this was the age old trap of occupation=personality. He's a thief, and he's sneaky... but we don't know a whole lot else about him. That is, he doesn't have much of a personality, or at least, it doesn't show. Don't get me wrong, I'm not asking for quirks or gimmicks (two things which actually bug me more than entice me), but I felt, had there been more interaction and less exposition, Hazenval would have fared better. I got the impression the heist was the focal point, and Hazenval merely a means to that end.

I did think I missed the alcoholic abuse, though it is hinted at in one line, but I can see where you mean there is more surface than substance.  I do admit that I thought the idea of a fox impersonnating a hare as novel enough that it might have caught the judge's imagination.  Think I spent more time purging adverbs and keeping things active when I should have put more in the character.  Appreciate the comments.

I also think it may have hurt saying yes about difficulties being online.  For example, this is my first time online today due to my job.  On hindsight, it might have been a disservice had I made it into the competition.

[shorestar]

Review: Addison

I actually really liked Addison. He was definitely in my top five. I got a very strong visual picture of the inn, which I found impressive given that all the description was worked in fairly naturally into your account of Addison's thoughts and actions. 

There were a number of characters I would have liked to see written that didn't get in, but of all those I won't get to see in this contest, I certainly regret not being able to see Addison the most.

I'm afraid I don't have major critiques to make here. ^_~