In Misery and Relief

[shorestar]

Review: Eilat

This is (basically) what I originally posted in the judges's forum

I initially felt like I ought to like this application, and was confused that really didn't. Upon further consideration I hit upon the things that bothered me.

• The use of standardized sizes in the story, like 3 & 13, rather than measurements is a definite anachronism.
• What's more, even today people who sew custom clothing typically go off of measurements... that says that this was poorly researched to me
• At the beginning, Eilat seems almost shy, and hesitant. She is anxious while waiting to see if her dress will be liked. Then at the end she shows no compunctions about scaring a small child and no hesitation or embarrassment about being caught. It's too smooth for the character at the start. I feel almost like the author cannot decide who Eilat is.
• Improper punctuation, particularly around quotes

You also used the word "loose" when you meant "lose," in the phrase "won't loose a valuable customer."

I think your idea was interesting and I did like some aspects of the application. If you'd taken more time to get your character clear in your mind and worked harder at communicating her to us, you would have at least been in the running. I don't know if you would have gotten a spot... the competition was fairly fierce and Eilat probably needed something more than just being a spunky young seamstress to really stand out from the crowd. Some major character flaw... Perhaps if her shyness had been more pronounced or somesuch. You don't actually have to be crippled or cannibalistic to have a shot. ^_~

[shorestar]

Review: Elin Sarkozy

Well, I did warn you guys that the honesty would be brutal. All the same, steel yourself! This is what I originally posted to the judges' forum:

What is going on here?? The SPAG is quite poor indeed. Random commas really bother me, but trying to figure out who was saying what was like a puzzle. The way paragraphs and quotations were handled was awful.  And stuff like "the red hissed in her ear" makes no sense when no "red" was previously referenced. And she is trying to save the queen, but is yanking her around on some kind of pull chain and punching her in the sternum and dropping her down a shaft into some kind of pit?

Elin talks about how beasts will never die by "our" whim again as she kills someone... Someone shoots one of the other guards in the back...  I spent a long time trying to figure out if we were supposed to assume Elin was a traitor. I came to the conclusion that we were not, but it really did seem like it.

There's also the minor matter that setting this queen up as the ruler of the known world just miiiight interfere with another character's history or with the story itself.

>.< I did read through your app... oh, probably six or seven times trying to make sense of it. And maybe a brighter reader would have done so. I'd be happy to elaborate or discuss this further with you, either here or via PMs, but I was at a total loss.



Review: The Promise of Rain

Hope you've been brave enough to read on, as the news is MUCH better on this front. Here's what I posted:

Okay, I was predisposed against this application, because of the extremely odd name, especially when her friend has a perfectly normal name like Michael.

That being said, I was really won over. There are some minor SPAG issues (capitalization, spacing...) but I felt like I got a good picture of both Promise and her friend/childhood sweetheart. I didn't mind some time being taken to explain Michael as it seemed so relevant to Promise.

I was growing fond of our sweet but flighty young mouse when the last two paragraphs really threw me for a loop. They seemed totally unnecessary, threw in a bunch of unexplained backstory, and made me question my interpretation of Promise.

I still liked the app, overall, but I had to take off some points for that.

I think if you'd truncated this app before the final two paragraphs, you might have made it in. I don't think I was the only judge thrown by fact that the flighty, forthright, overtalkative young mouse was supposedly a diplomat/emissary. It just didn't seem to fit.

I am curious why you chose such a strange name. I couldn't see anything in your app that would have compelled you to choose it. If you'd truncated the app and kept her name simply to "Promise" I really think you'd be in the game right now. (Sorry, I know that must sting to hear! The good news is, you were pretty close even with these things).

You were at risk of spending too much time in this app on Michael... I think you dodged that bullet, but if you'd made major changes it would have been an element to be wary of.

[Captain Ashpaw]

Addison: I just found the premise a little hard to believe. He seems to think he's a hedgehog, and yet he seems old enough to be able to tell that he looks just like a fox. Also, I think mainly it was just a matter of writing style preference.

He's never seen another fox before.  That's what the ending was.   :)

Review: Addison

I actually really liked Addison. He was definitely in my top five. I got a very strong visual picture of the inn, which I found impressive given that all the description was worked in fairly naturally into your account of Addison's thoughts and actions.  

There were a number of characters I would have liked to see written that didn't get in, but of all those I won't get to see in this contest, I certainly regret not being able to see Addison the most.

I'm afraid I don't have major critiques to make here. ^_~

Thank you!  I think you'll see little Addison again, as there's a project going on that he'd be perfect for.  

[IPlanToBiteYou]

Shorey-O, I am a little surprised to hear that Promise did well - I did hope that having Michael as a heavy part of the app would add to her characterisation rather than provide another focal point, and I guess it kindaworked. Really, what I was originally aiming for was an app good enough to get past the AARGH NAME! thing. :P Unfortunately, I think weird names have now become a bit of a signature move for me, so if I ever do get one into a contest, eeeeveryone will know. ( ._.)

As for Elin, well, yes. I crushed about 4000 words of exposition and rowdy action into 600. :P She was awful.

Actually, you know what? I'mma rewrite that.

[Opal]

Posted at the request of the author:

Name: Megara "Meg" Devon
Species: Mouse
Gender: Female


?'Oy, you listnen'??

The sharp bark caused me to drop the stone I was holding. Freeing the tip of my paw from the imitation of mortar it had just performed, I stifled an oath and placed the burning appendage into my mouth. I sucked ? more out of habit than trusting the healing properties of saliva. Trying my best to keep my voice level, I muttered to my neighbor a short, ?Wot??

?Sister McKennis be havin' a visitor for ye',? he replied, then ambled off.

I wrestled my attention back to the task before me. Taking the paw from my mouth, I placed it on the top stone ? the cause of my injury ? and ran my pads along it. It was becoming hard to tell where stone ended and paw began. I couldn't help but smirk as I surveyed the length of wall. I savored the sweet ache that came with a job like this one. I'm finally getting that hardness I sought. Callouses.

I turned back to the farmhouse, leaving the remainder of the work for the morrow and headed for the longer path home, the path that ran west ? away from the orchard. I let my eyes wander to my left. To the moor. I was a scarce hundred yards from the base of the massive bowl of swamp that dominated the land for miles around. It menaced the farms that butted against it, working what they could from under its shadowy presence. A giant, overseeing the peons that dared to toil near its feet.

But it makes us hard. The tiniest rewards: tin, stone, wood, grain ? we must sweat for. We must fight its denizens and its natural weapons of flood and mudslide and fog. But we still fight.

Instead of dawdling in the fading light, I hurried to Sister McKennis's flat in town. One rare bit of useful advice my mother left me: never leave an old churchmum waiting. Especially when she has a sharp tongue and rheumatism to act as its whetstone.

I let my paw stay at the door jamb a moment, allowing myself a deep breath before the peace of my afternoon was shattered. The air was filled with the usual scents of her abode: comfrey, pepper, and ash soap. However another scent, one that brought old memories, stung my nostrils. I shook my head once, trying to dislodge the unsettling thoughts that accompanied that musk and entered the home. Though I had unconsciously squeezed my eyes shut as I entered, I could still feel the atmosphere like a push to the chest. This house was oppressive, stagnant, dark.

?Closing your eyes Meg? I'm not that hideous.? As insufferable as that line was, the beast that used it was so much more...

I opened my eyes to slitsand took in the garish sight before me: felt boots, silk cravat, bombastic kilt. With a groan I leaned back against the wall, running a paw along the top of my ears. I'm fidgeting? ?I could smell you from outside, Daniel. River barge and city slop isn't as alluring a bouquet as you might think.?

I brought my eyes up to meet his ? unnatural, feline eyes ?  and tried to exude distaste, ?You still plying the rivers, I assume??

?With no maid aside me, even the morning shine off the blue expanse seems dull.? He met my hostility with a smile that dripped with insincerity, ?Still playing farmer with the other little mice??

I closed my eyes again. This is why I came to the moor. Be hard. Strong. Resist that smile. I had to.

[shorestar]

Review: Hazenval

Here's what was posted in judges' forum:

Some extraneous spaces, some missing words, and some missing commas.  Would the scam work? Oh, I don't know. It did on these isolated souls in the desert, which doesn't seem too unreasonable to me. Disguising oneself as a member of another species is a time-honored Redwall tradition.

I loved the vivid descriptions of the environment, and the great characterization of Hazenval, his assumed persona, and the trusting city-dwellers.

Hazenval was probably in the top third of applications for me, but I believe 4 out of the other 5 judges gave him lower ratings than I did. While I didn't share their reasoning myself, their reasoning was sound.

I think that this app could have been improved if you'd focused on a narrower window of time. Perhaps if you'd simply started with Hazenval chatting with the guard at the gate, and spent more time on that interaction.  That would have had the added benefit of allowing the reader to be taken in by the disguise just as the guard at the gate was, and let you do a nice reveal at the end after dropping a few hints in the course of the application, i.e. internal thoughts not visible to the guard but out of place for the jovial hare Hazenval seemed to be.

I really loved your idea. I think he would have made a fantastic character in this competition, but the execution of your idea sadly did not live up to the idea itself this time around.  

[shorestar]

Review: Greenfang


Another character in my top 5 that didn't make it in. Isn't that sad? Three of the characters I rated highest didn't make it in to the competition.  Ah well.

Here's what I posted in the judges' forum:

Some minor SPAG errors, but other than that I really quite like this fellow. I'm impressed by the fact that he's older, and that the author didn't feel the need to break canon to do something original and unique. I also think his physical ailments might prove interesting to write around.

With all due respect to my fellow judges, I don't think that they were particularly fair to your application. There were a number of complaints that you spent too much time focusing on setting and not enough getting into Greenfang's head that I quite frankly did not understand.  My only guess at reason for the disparity in our analyses is that I took the description of Greenfang's actions as intended to provide subtle insights into his psyche, while they didn't give particular weight to the choices he made.

I also felt that Greenfang's physical ailments would be very interesting to write and read, and could prove an interesting trial for the character.

That said, there were some minor SPAG errors throughout that kept me from giving you a perfect score. Be very careful of any sentence that has more than one comma in it. There's usually a way these sentences can be re-written to make your prose punchier and less convoluted.

You could also probably have omitted a minor amount of description, but I really don't think you devoted too much time to that. I would work on tightening your prose a bit, overall.

[Dirgecallers]

Wow..Im kinda wierded out that Croup was actually considered. That teaches me a lesson never to write an app in 40 min then send it in... ::) Next time Ill be more dilligent with my apps.

Regarding Baker...my original intention was for him to act friendly towards the dibbun...disarm him by his natural charm. Then when the dibbun was completely relaxed, Baker would say something like "He's ready" and two ferrets would come out of nowhere and drag the mousebabe away. Baker would then say something like..."Ah new recruits." (I have no idea why I decided to change him into a psycho at the last minute...prolly because I finished the app at  the last minute.)

[Jarrtail]

Review: Greenfang


Another character in my top 5 that didn't make it in. Isn't that sad? Three of the characters I rated highest didn't make it in to the competition.  Ah well.

Here's what I posted in the judges' forum:

Some minor SPAG errors, but other than that I really quite like this fellow. I'm impressed by the fact that he's older, and that the author didn't feel the need to break canon to do something original and unique. I also think his physical ailments might prove interesting to write around.

With all due respect to my fellow judges, I don't think that they were particularly fair to your application. There were a number of complaints that you spent too much time focusing on setting and not enough getting into Greenfang's head that I quite frankly did not understand.  My only guess at reason for the disparity in our analyses is that I took the description of Greenfang's actions as intended to provide subtle insights into his psyche, while they didn't give particular weight to the choices he made.

I also felt that Greenfang's physical ailments would be very interesting to write and read, and could prove an interesting trial for the character.

That said, there were some minor SPAG errors throughout that kept me from giving you a perfect score. Be very careful of any sentence that has more than one comma in it. There's usually a way these sentences can be re-written to make your prose punchier and less convoluted.

You could also probably have omitted a minor amount of description, but I really don't think you devoted too much time to that. I would work on tightening your prose a bit, overall.

Thank you, it's nice to hear that Greenfang was in fact quite close to getting in. Makes me feel more proud of myself.  :D

[Opal]

Review: Greenfang


Another character in my top 5 that didn't make it in. Isn't that sad? Three of the characters I rated highest didn't make it in to the competition.  Ah well.

Here's what I posted in the judges' forum:

Some minor SPAG errors, but other than that I really quite like this fellow. I'm impressed by the fact that he's older, and that the author didn't feel the need to break canon to do something original and unique. I also think his physical ailments might prove interesting to write around.

With all due respect to my fellow judges, I don't think that they were particularly fair to your application. There were a number of complaints that you spent too much time focusing on setting and not enough getting into Greenfang's head that I quite frankly did not understand.  My only guess at reason for the disparity in our analyses is that I took the description of Greenfang's actions as intended to provide subtle insights into his psyche, while they didn't give particular weight to the choices he made.

I also felt that Greenfang's physical ailments would be very interesting to write and read, and could prove an interesting trial for the character.

That said, there were some minor SPAG errors throughout that kept me from giving you a perfect score. Be very careful of any sentence that has more than one comma in it. There's usually a way these sentences can be re-written to make your prose punchier and less convoluted.

You could also probably have omitted a minor amount of description, but I really don't think you devoted too much time to that. I would work on tightening your prose a bit, overall.

Actually, my biggest problem was the awkward phrasing in places, and the implied fact that he had killed a wolf when he was younger. At least, I took that to be why he was a decorated veteran. He was still fairly high up my list though. We just had so many vermin already, and ones that I felt were slightly better written.


Baker: I basically scored this one down because I had no idea what was going on. You spent so much time describing the strange mouse that I completely lost all interest in Baker, and I had no idea how the mouse died at the end. Since Baker didn't appear to even touch him, I figured he must have used his Sith powers to strangle him. :P


Hazenval: There was a lack of characterization, plus I kind of wondered how the woodlanders would be stupid enough to trust a "hare" in the company of vermin so often. Plus, wouldn't there have been search parties sent out for the original caravan drivers by now? I would've scored it higher if it had maybe only been the first or second time he'd pulled off the scam, or if you'd eliminated the first part of your app and replaced it with more interactions with the woodlanders (cramming multiple days into an app always makes it feel rushed), or if you'd made it very clear that the woodlanders had never actually seen a hare before, because fennecs and hares...really aren't all that similar looking, I don't think.


I'll try to get caught up with the rest later. x.x

[shorestar]

Reviews, Gregory and Grarrrg

I'm lumping these together because some similar issues.

SPAG troubles plagued both apps. Commas should not be used to join to separate and complete sentences.

There were also careless errors, like this one:

walked towards the edge of the ring the surrounded him

I also felt that the time-jump of several seasons at the end of Grarrrg's app weakened it substantially. You spent most of the app showing us a fairly interesting character, and then essentially said "But he's not like that anymore" at the end. -_-

I rather liked the ideas behind both apps, Gregory in particular. In spite of the SPAG issues, I believe Gregory did make it into my top 9.

My advice for next time would be to proceed in the same way, but give more thought to whether the overall structure of your pieces supports what you're attempting to accomplish, as well as to the technical strength of your application (i.e. spelling and grammar).

[shorestar]

Reviews: Hearth and Phelan

Posted in the judges' forum regarding Hearth:

It shows promise, but promise of what exactly I cannot say. I found this application to be somewhat disorganized with poor SPAG. I like the idea of a hedgehog blacksmith. Badger lords can't forge every weapon in Redwall, I'm fairly sure. I just wish I had a better idea of what exactly had gone wrong for the guy. Is it something that happened to him? Is he mentally unstable? Did he do something heinous? What was up with the random rat?

Mysterious is good, but you have to have an actual mystery for the reader to want to solve. "What happened in this character's past?" isn't really a mystery, more like a general question. You have to give the reader enough information to make them want more.

Also, YOU as the author should have a pretty good idea of what the secret behind the mystery is. This isn't to say you couldn't change it later based on something that happened in the plot or if you had a better idea, but the fact that you describe Hearth in your post in this thread as having a "mysterious past" sets up warning flags for me. It should be a mystery to the reader, not the writer. You can change your mind, but you should always have an idea.

Posted in the judges' forum regarding Phelan:

He had this fairly good bumbling old fool thing going on when he goes to snap the squirrel's neck. I don't know. It seemed rather out of place to me. I'd gotten to the point where I was going to forgive the author for "fetch" and the non-canon stuff, because I thought I'd seen where the app was going and I thought it was an interesting place. But it wasn't going there.

I'm not sure what to think of the character at all, and the writing was not strong technically.

-.- Hm, perhaps a bit harsh... but I must say I didn't know what your plan was here.

Overall, my feeling now is that neither of your characters was fully fleshed out in your own mind, which hampered your ability to communicate them to the reader. In addition, you probably wanted to take a bit more time making sure that your applications were strong technically.

A positive I would note would be the fact that the structure of your applications (i.e. timeframe, the way you attempted to convey information) was good.

[Cricket Argyll]

Thanks for the reviews, especially Tara, Shorey, and Stonewall. I didn't realize that I was twinking quite that much with Coral. As I said, I had written this for Quincy at first, so I knew what all of his reactions were going to be and why. Coral sort of inherited that knowledge without my meaning it to happen when it became her story. Will endeavor to improve for next time and maybe I'll use this pair of vermin for some other project. I do rather like them and their speech problems.

[Opal]

I'm glad you at least recognized that Coral was the stronger and more interesting character. Sometimes when I finished reading some of the other apps I kept wishing the author had chosen to submit the NPC in the app as the main character.

Plus, then we might've had TWO Quincys in the RSGC. Oh noes! :o

[Eliza Lacrimosa]

That almost happened during QBIV, actually. There were two Liams in the top 30, but neither of them made it to the top ten.

Kind of sad.