Storyteller's Vigil

[Tooley Bostay]

Business for a Busy Beast

...whaaat was that beginning? Suddenly, there's an escape plan? That's Sly's a part of? What the heck? Where did this come from? I kept waiting for it to be a joke, or for the rat to be shown to be a total nutcase who Sly is just manipulating.

Your Blasio is consistently amazing. I failed to make mention of how great his dialogue was in your last post, and it continues to be wonderful here.

I?m just too small for you to notice me.?

?Ah yes, you certainly are,? Blasio grinned.

Glorious.

There's... not really a lot to say about this post. The dialogue is still good, but everything that happens is exactly what I thought would happen (save for that out-of-nowhere opening). Sly bets on the fight, because of course he does. The bit with him digging dirt on the competition is nice, I suppose, but it's just a dollop of dressing on a huge salad. I know nothing more about Sly than I did in his first place, and beyond a few minor things, he's also not doing anything more than in his first post.

I know this is short. Sorry, there just isn't anything more I can say. I think we need to get some more meat on Sly in these next rounds, and soon. His gab shtick is already wearing thin on me.

[Tooley Bostay]

Don't Lose Your Head

Shorter review here since this one went up after the deadline. Get these up early, mates! (This will not apply to Thrayjen, who I can tell had his post done and was just waiting.)

So this is better than his first post. I wasn't annoyed by Kentigern, and his bit with Minerva was nice. Doesn't really compel me to see where his story goes, but at least dude's not a jerk anymore. I can see the author tried hard to deal with some of the issues I raised (Minerva asking why he ditched his family, him working more with Thrayjen, etc). Some are executed better than others, but it's definitely a start and provides a more interesting path for Kentigern to pursue.

...the heck? He just trips and gets beat up at the end? I have to presume this is mended in Thrayjen's followup. I won't ding you too hard for this, as I imagine you plotted closely with Thrayjen, Kentigern, but it was a rather lackluster end to the post.

[Tooley Bostay]

Chest Out

Why doesn't Ripfang just kill Thrayjen? Heck, he even pummels Thray with "the butt end of his sickles" and has enough time to drive a knee into the rat. I suppose he could be "toying with his prey" in a way, as that fits the motif of the arena, but perhaps a clue that that is what Rip is doing would have helped.

and vaulted up, using the handle to raise himself above and over Ripfang.

On the one hand, I like this show of acrobatics. Fits the visual vibe I wanted out of the arena fights. On the other hand, with all the times in Thray's first post that we were reminded "he's a big rat," how can he manage this with such ease?

Was very confused in this fight following Kentigern's post. I kept waiting for a moment when Thrayjen saw how vulnerable and in danger Kentigern was, but it's nothing more than a super brief aside. Further confusion was added when he runs over and grabs his net, but... the net is tangled up in Kentigern's feet. A: how'd he get the net so easily? B: if he got the net, why didn't he help Kentigern who's getting pummeled right next to him.

Glad the extremely odd bit of Kentigern getting mad is addressed. I was befuddled at first, given how during all the prior posts he demanded Thrayjen stay back. It works, though, as Kentigern is of the disposition to be a wild hypocrite like that. Moreover, we get that moment where Thrayjen stands up for himself, which was necessary.

That leads me to probably the most notable aspect of this post: Thrayjen is thoroughly thrown off his balance. Look at everything he does. He nearly kills a beast after insisting he won't fight. He snaps at Kentigern despite bearing so much the day before. He gets smashed drunk despite knowing Nan wouldn't like to see him like this. This is good. It promises that Thrayjen will have some trials to face in the future. I would still like to get a vibe for what story the author is actually going to be telling with Thrayjen, though. While I enjoy his interactions, they feel a little bit lost. Like they're detached from a bigger picture. This is a case where I think Thrayjen could take a bit of inspiration from Silas. We all know what Silas' overarching story is: revenge. I don't know what Thrayjen's is. There's a bit with him mentioning how it's not the first time he's been in chains. I think that could be a good place to delve deeper into, and find out how that history informs and guides his actions here in the now.

Overall, a good showing from Thrayjen. Mends some of the concerns I had with his first post, though I will want to see why I should cheer or root for Thrayjen beyond just his personality. What's he fighting (literally or figuratively) for? Why should I care? Etc.

[Kentigern MacRaff]

Hey Tooley, quick note to clear things up: the net isn't actually tangled up at Kentigern's feet? Raggabrash actually tossed it away from their fist fight in my post.

[Tooley Bostay]

Ahh. That's what happens when I read too fast. Thanks for clearing that up, Kentigern. I appreciate the correction.

[Tooley Bostay]

Still Standing

This is a dang fine show of some well-written combat. A little long, perhaps, but what's there all works very well, from Minerva's study of her opponent, to her tricks, to the moment with the fishhook. It's engaging, we get to see Minerva in all her cunning, and there's enough going on that the fight never gets boring. Very, very well done.

I wonder if that bit at the end is to imply she building a resistance/immunity to the darts.

Short review since this one went up late, but a good showing from you, Minerva.

[Tooley Bostay]

Death Follows Close Behind

So Komi's escape attempt failed. I'm a little mixed on this post. There's nothing wrong with it, it's just that it takes 2k words to tell us one thing: her plan failed. "But Tooley, what about Minerva's post! That was only one thing--her fighting!" Yes, but look at what it did for Minerva's character. She's taken on the mantle of the Monster of Mossflower Woods, the crowd loves her, and she's step further along on her character arc. With Komi, on the other hand, while the action of her failed escape happens, it doesn't advance her character arc any further.

There is hope, given that she's tied up to a woodlander, but word of caution to Komi's writer: mix things up. I've already seen Komi hate and snarl at and ignore and be a jerk to woodlanders. I'm not saying you suddenly make her warm up to Minerva, but don't just play the same record over and over. I'm rather interested to see how/if they work together in their predicament.

A decent post. Does what it sets out to do, but little more. I'm hoping to see more depth from Komi next round.

[Tooley Bostay]

ROUND ONE RECAP

Ladies an' gents, we've reached the end of Round One! A big round of applause to our bloody showbeasts for truckin' through an' getting all these posts out there. We had some laughs, some shocks, some gasps, some disappointments, but more than anything, I think we all had a ton of fun, both as readers and writers. Every single one of you should be proud for stickin' with it, gettin' your posts done, and holding them out to be read and excoriated reviewed by the readership. This woozle is proud o' yew all.

To celebrate, I figured I'd list a few awards for the Top 10. Some will be good, some will be bad. Will the categories remain the same every round? Who kno~ows? So without further adieu, let's get started with:

FAVORITE POST
Some very good ones to choose from. Adeen's were all incredibly sharply written, Komi's first post was unexpected and a great part of the intro to the contest, and Kali's posts legitimately made me laugh a ton. But ultimately, I have to give this one to Kentrith. The turnaround on his part was such a shocker, and really can't be emphasized enough. Not only that, his post is full of some pretty dang good qualities. Is it perfect? No. There are some ungainly qualities that hamper it here and there (the random, center-justified flashback with the otter. Aldridge's weirdness. Etc.), but overall, a very good showing worth honoring.

I hope everyone takes a page from Kentrith's book. Every lackluster post can be followed up with a great one if you challenge yourself and leap right in.

FAVORITE NPC
Blasio is a hoot, Blue had some interesting interactions with Thrayjen and Aldridge, and Baxter suddenly intrigues me with Kali's second post implying a softness to him (har. Softness in floofy). Gonna give this one to Hargorn, though. He's a complete and utter debased scumbag, and Adeen deserves huge props for executing his character so well. I'm worried whenever this guy is on screen. He feels like a legitimate force to be reckoned with, just simply because he's that evil. Very interested to see what this guy does throughout the story, and if/when he'll get his comeuppance.

BIGGEST LETDOWN
This one is easy. Aldridge and Komi's relationship. It's been nothing but vague platitudes, and I have yet to grasp why either of them even care about one another. Sure, they have history... what is that history? No clue. I want to start seeing some more of that history. Whether this is as rough as hard insert flashbacks (don't do this, please), or little details like one knowing the other hates/loves a particular food or song or something, I don't care. Just something, because I love these two stoats on their own.

THE SAFE PILE
Our final section. I'm about to cast my vote, but before that, I am going to list my current top five. These beasts are safe from this woozle's vote, at least, and represent who I look forward to reading the most as the story continues on. This is in no particular order, so check your ego, number one. =P

1. Kali
2. Adeen
3. Aldridge
4. Kentrith
5. Minerva

And with that, we're straight into the final hours of the vote for the contestants! If I can just say one thing to all who vote: provide reasons. There is nothing worse than getting a vote from someone, and not having a clue what you did wrong. Is it just a taste thing? Did they see some massive flaw with the post? Do they hate the character, and if so, why?

Even if it's just a few sentences, take the time to say why you're voting, so that the author has a chance to mend the mistake in the following round.

Best of luck, mates. =)

[Silas Hetherton]

"Safe" is a relative term.  :evil:

[foxpen]

Wooooow Tooley! Damn, man, you Cray Cray, rocking these reviews like a machine! Inspires me to do another reading or two...

[Vizon]

Indeed! It's a lot to get through in the time alotted. Truthfully, I haven't even read through them all myself. So kudos.

[Kali]

Oh, I totally let that number one spot go to my head.

Thank you for the reviews Tooly! You powered through those reviews like a champ! Thank you for the reviews on all our characters!

[Tooley Bostay]

"Safe" is a relative term.  :evil:

No one is safe. Everyone gets voted off, round one. Nire wins. Flawless victory.

Thanks for the appreciation, mates! And you're most welcome, Kali. It was my pleasure, and I'm very much excited to see where you all take the story. Hope you guys are having fun writing and plotting behind the scenes!

[Tooley Bostay]

ROUND TWO. HERE WE GO. WOO.

Born and Raised

The intro is a perfect example of Adeen's character as a whole. It's full of color, it's vivid, the characters are fun to read, but there are still questions and oddities that come up that trip me as I read her posts. Why are we suddenly following two rats? Who is the white mouse? Eventually, all these oddities are resolved and answered, but in the moment of that first read they prompt confusion that staggers my read of an otherwise wonderful bit of writing.

The sharp writing that has characterized Adeen continues here, and we get to see yet further sides of the vole. The scene with Fable was particularly well done, as we get to really see her motherly qualities come out. Particularly of interest is how she doesn't comfort Fable with hugs or words, but with art. With distraction. While a sweet gesture, it's also a very "distant" method of comfort, which fits Adeen's character to a T. I agree with Crue about Kentrith's appearance taking too long, given his last post ended with him pretty much right on Adeen's heels, but I'm willing to forgive the oddity for what the scene tells of us Adeen.

On the note of the oddities, though, there are several that crop up that just had me going "...wut?" Some of it is simply in the description, which leads me to pause and be confused. See:

the mouse picked up an embalming jar and smashed it upside Adeen's head, the vole thought of GUOSIM cutters breaching the foam of The Great Sea.

...wut? What prompts this thought? Sure, she's just been socked and her head is going on the fritz from the impact, sure, but what's the audience supposed to take from this? Why is a vole thinking of GUOSIM? The Great Sea? Huh???

Other bits are more problematic, where the oddities end up casting confusion on the plot and character. Like the bit at the end of the scene with Fable.

ThreeForCanen

Two. Fourteen. More.

...wut? Her somehow seeing the Three for Canen words is already a little bit confusing, but I can buy it, given Adeen's general weirdness when she spazzes out. But the following bit? What the heck does two or fourteen mean??? Like, was she going to kill Fable? How is she even getting that from the message--I'm sure it doesn't mean "kill just any three," and again, what on earth is two and fourteen? Adeen has moments of craziness, but at times like this, I can't even follow what's going on with her mind, and thus end up detached from the moment.

On the note of the sharp writing, though, Adeen continues to impress. No other author has quite the full grasp of showcasing the culture of the Crater. We see its debauchery without it being schlocky (yonder ferret bed creakers), we see its impact and influence on beasts such as Muda and the white mouse, and all of it with a very capable voice that - as I mentioned before - doesn't waste the audience's time. Take the description of the underbelly:

The Crater's lowest tier, behind and beneath the arena itself, served as a nexus for the ugly beasts in Nire's employ. Scorpion handlers more feral than their charges, butchers of the fallen, and false priests delivering last rites to still-alive losers. All packed into the unnamed strip of shadow and stone in The Crater's underbelly.

Do we need to bother with describing how long the underbelly is? How far apart the walls are? How many beasts exactly there are? No, because those are unnecessary details when it comes to painting a picture. With just this, I instantly have a picture of what the place looks like, what sort of beasts are there, and what they're doing. It's great stuff, and serves as a contrast to the sometimes-wonky description.

Also, a small point, but I like how Kentrith's handling of ne'er-do-wells is the same every time. He grips Adeen's collar, and he grips the ferrets' collars. A small touch that shows consistency of character.

And, as another aside, Marik sounds a bit off. Maybe he's more eloquent than my first impression suggested, but reading this line: "Interrupting would've done this troublemaker a kindness." just strikes me as a bit much. Doesn't sound like a fifteen year-old who's spent a large majority of his life caring for children in seclusion. In fact, sounds more like Adeen than anything. Be careful of the voices of the characters you write. Many of them do sound somewhat similar - dry, stoic, serious - which I think fits a great many of them (Adeen, Aldridge, the white mouse, Kentrith, etc.), but be sure to mix things up a bit.

Hurrah! More Aldridge! Always fun to see him and Adeen interact, though I wonder what he's doing in the underbelly of the Crater, given his whole stint with Kali made it clear he hates the place. His whole aside about redemption - especially as viewing the Crater in utilitarian value ("The Crater could be useful.") - is wayyy out of left field, though. That's not a slam against Adeen's author, but it better be explained in Aldridge's post, if this is the quest and direction he's set his character on.

Overall, a solid post. I don't feel like it necessarily gripped me, but part of that is because it mostly served to introduce some new concepts. I'm not sure if the twist of the dagger/message being meant for someone else is worthwhile, but it grants immediate conflict that Adeen must face. In some ways, I feel this is an extension of the previous post, where Adeen learns some new things, has a direction, and sets off. Word of caution to her author: begin having things happen, and don't get so caught up in introducing more and more new concepts. As one of my favorite writing axioms goes: build deep, not wide.

[Tooley Bostay]

Tug of War

Watch out for unnecessary bits of your description that clog up the pace. Take this part, for example:

[...]before pressing herself up to her elbows on the cold stone floor so she could get a better look at her new surroundings.

As she feared, she was in a cell somewhere[...]

The "so she...surroundings" part is completely unnecessary. She pushes herself up, and then in the immediate following paragraph, she talks about her surroundings, so that particular bit just wastes time telling the audience what she's going to do right before she does it. It's a similar problem here:

Built out of the floor beside it was a stone water trough and the otterwife licked her dry lips, realizing she hadn't had anything to drink since long before her battle with Hammerpaw.

I understand the thought process at work here. You want to make sure the audience is clear on what the character is doing and why, but don't be afraid to be a bit looser with your writing. She licks her lips, this is following the fight with Hammerpaw and right after she wakes up. Trust the reader to make that connection on their own, because all these inserts just take the reader out from the moment and remind us we're reading a story.

I like the introduction of the Sigils. It's a small little touch to the world that makes sense, feels grounded, but is also a cool little treat to see unfold--finding out what everyone's Sigils are, what it says about them, how it ties into the whole merchandise aspect of the Crater being a show, etc. Love it.

The dialogue as well is fairly sharp and on point. Nire in particular is written very well, with a ton of little mannerisms that help to accentuate his flair and character (though I wonder why a beast needs to lick their claw to turn a page. Doesn't quite work like a finger, though the motion serves well to convey a bit of character and pizzazz.) Really enjoyed his back-and-forth with Minerva.

A few moments made me quirk up my eyebrow. Let's look at one.

And with that trick of yours against Hammerpaw, let's just say you made a lot of beasts lose a lot of money,

Eh? It's the Culling. It's not about killing Hammerpaw, or even fighting. He was just "processing" the newbies. What doofus would be betting on that at all? *keeps reading* oh

Blasio Timberfell, one of my associates, has called for your death. He was hit particularly hard by the results of that match,

...what a doofus. There's not even any money to be made on betting on that. Perhaps I missed something, but this didn't strike me at all like the match between Kent/Thrayjen and the other two. It's just a process, not a gamble. It's not really a major critique, but one of those "...eh?" moments.

Oh ho, but I love Nire's little plan with tying Minerva to Komi. A wonderful bit of conflict! Like I've said in regards to Adeen's post, this is how you do cast interaction. Minerva is challenged by the conflict and will have to learn to trust Komi, but Komi's character is enriched as well. She simply can't afford the melancholy melodrama anymore, and has to start taking this seriously. More than that, it's not at all contrived. Nire's reasoning makes perfect sense, and apart from this being a compelling character conflict, it's also dang compelling for the audience as well. How are they going to fight when chained together? Will they manage to trust one another? What if one of them does die? These questions get me pumped for what lies in the future. An excellent moment, Minerva.

The conversation with Fable, while tender, seems a bit odd. Why on earth doesn't Minerva ask about Adeen? Like... at all? It was a huge moment in Adeen's post, and moreover, a bit moment for Fable. Some random volemaid comes up and starts comforting her and stitching a flower and asking about her mother? She didn't think to mention that to her mother? The only bit in the slightest that mentions it is:

A quick look at her paw revealed that Fable had finished their stitching of the lily. The otterwife had given her daughter her reminder, and now she had one of her own.

...eh? Minerva didn't give anything. Adeen did for her. It's a wasted moment that kills the momentum set forth in Adeen's post. A shame.

Overall, a good look into Minerva's character. We don't really learn anything new about her, nor does she do anything particularly gripping, but I give huge props for that wonderful setup with Komi. It really is a stroke of genius, and I am very interested to see where she goes from here.

Word of warning, though? I'm dinging points for how long this took to get out. It was nearly a week between rounds, and this took three-and-a-half days to follow Adeen's post. This isn't the first time things have been held up, Minerva. You need to step it up and get the cogs turning faster. Being blunt because this is a contest, and these things matter. I recommend drafting your Round 3 post now so that you can have it out bright and early next time, especially because you seem to be building up to a mighty fine followup post.