Storyteller's Vigil

[Tooley Bostay]

The Second Heartbeat

Many Bothans died to bring us this information. Sorry. Just had to.

So... this one needs work. By the end of it, I've a million questions of "why" and no answers. Why does Kentrith go to his brother? Why now, when he's been gone for five years? Why did he leave the Crater? Why is he going back? Why is his name the Crane? Why does he know who "Direbeast" is when he's been away from the Crater for five years and shouldn't recognize the name of a fighter, especially when it's only afterwards that he recognizes the badger?

Now, understand, some of these are good questions to pose to the audience. "Ooh, I wonder why X character is doing this?" is a worthy pool of intrigue to draw from, but only if we have some meat to sink our teeth into. As it stands, I have no clue what Kentrith is doing, why he's doing it, or why I should care. What's his quest? What story is trying to be told? Look at the other characters of the cast:
Adeen - a broken mother who must decide if she even deserves a second chance.
Komi - a warrior running from her past, though her past keeps haunting her at every turn, and she will eventually have to face it.
Aldridge - someone who has already found his peace and seeming "redemption" only to have old troubles return once more to rob him of these things he's fought desperately for.
Minerva - a mother who will do anything to protect her daughter, perhaps even becoming an actual "monster."

Here in Kentrith's post, I don't really see the grand story that this character is going to tell. He's a former fighter returning to the arena to...? To what? I harp on this because it's still only the first half of the round, and I believe you can show us the answers to many of these "why" questions in your second post. I also point this out to caution any of the other authors--make sure the audience always has a reason to root for your character. And no, getting by on sheer personality alone does not count. They must have a story to tell.

Let's lay off the critique a bit, because I do like some key scenes in this post. The bit with his brother? Really nice. Especially when he starts making a pack for Kentrith. And these two lines are just wonderful:

"Then at least you?ll have something to remember me by."
\
Bothan looked up with a small smile. ?Then you?ll have to come back and get more.?

With the first, I got the vibe that this was a jab. A loving jab from a stern brother, but still a bit of a jab. "It's taken you this long to appear, and now you're going to disappear again. But I care about you, so at least you'll remember me this time." There's so much history in that one single line, and MMM I love it! And then it's backed up by that second line. The bite and jab is gone, and now it's clear to everyone that yeah, Bothan really does care about Kentrith. It's just a genuine, sweet moment between these bros.
And I'm gonna go for a third, because even the very last line is great. He's done what he can in making a pack, but Bothan is probably out of his element, when it comes to understanding what Kentrith needs. So despite having full on initiative to take care of Kentrith, he has to ask what else his bro needs. The whole end bit is wonderful.

Forcing his paws not to shake, he flicked his right wrist. His folding scalpel slid to his paw, and with another snick, he opened it. He knelt by the prone, writhing creature and quickly slid the small blade into his neck.

This as well. Wonderful part. It's the first bit that keys us into Kentrith's past as a medic, but more than that, it's a fortifying detail to his character that informs us more of his personality. Moreover, his personality all those years in the arena. He hasn't abandoned all his medical knowledge, and in fact, uses it to end the suffering of the beasts he vanquishes in as humane (vermane?) a way as possible.
That, and I just think his little wrist switchblade scalpel thing is super cool.

So, good news is that the round isn't over yet. Bad news is that you've got a lot of ground to cover in your second post, Kentrith. We need to see him acting, doing something to drive the story - and more important - his story forward. You've got a particular advantage in this, as Kentrith is serving in a more official capacity, rather than just being a gladiator grunt. He's got a lot of freedom (I presume) to move around the Crater. Whatever he's there for, we need to begin to see this in your next post. Come out swinging. Make some plays. Shake up the plot. Make us cheer for Kentrith, because we know exactly what his struggle is (so be sure to key us in on what his struggle actually is).

[Crue Sarish]

Bad news is that you've got a lot of ground to cover in your second post, Kentrith.

I had the impression that there would be a vote at the end of this week. Could explain the longer posts instead of two shorter posts.

[Minerva]

I had the impression that there would be a vote at the end of this week. Could explain the longer posts instead of two shorter posts.

Nope. We just were a little behind because one of our writers had some life things going on. No biggie though, and it's been resolved now. We're all hard at work on our second posts for the round and they should be coming presently. Some are even up now!

[Crue Sarish]

Nope. We just were a little behind because one of our writers had some life things going on. No biggie though, and it's been resolved now. We're all hard at work on our second posts for the round and they should be coming presently. Some are even up now!

Gotcha. Thanks for the update. I know how hard it can be not only getting the story set up between ten people, but also working around real-life responsibilities.

[Tooley Bostay]

Not a whole lot of time before the vote, so I'm gonna try and rush through the rest.

Redwall Rhapsody

Kali's good enough, smart enough, and doggone it, people like her.

References aside, this was a really fun read, mostly due to the excellent characterization found in Kali, and the enjoyable dialogue that she banters about with others. Her bit with Inkpaw is great, her dialogue with Kentigern was enjoyable, and I particularly enjoyed the way the author handled Nire. An excellent showing of how he's a beast of entertainment, highly appreciative of the unusual and artistic, but still is very dangerous.

What shines best in Kali's work is the author's handle over writing beats. The scene transition midway through is a key example of this:

Nothing was going to stop her from reaching her destiny.

?WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU ARE NOT HIRING?!?

Boom, we're right in the moment, it fits the comedic tone of the character, and the author doesn't waste our time. There's a ton of that type of contrast in this post, where the author's set up one expectation, then breaks it soon after. Her fainting at the end of the second scene is another example of this, or her talking about how it's not about the money (but it is).
Probably the best moment is when she's showing Inkpaw the flier. Check it out:

?It?s a flier.? Kali explained, ?Of the arena.? She bounced the paper in her wing tips back and forth, waiting for the marten to share in her glee. ?They need a bard.?

Look at the pacing here. Everything serves a purpose, and it works excellently. The pause between the first two bits of dialogue? Establishes that sort of stop-and-go staccato that she's speaking with, where she thinks her painfully obvious statements should be enough to explain her joy. This leads into that moment of visual humor, which works because of the staccato tone established. And then - without the author bothering to waste words telling us how she feels or adverbs -  she drops the "act" and staccato tone and finally makes it clear why she's excited, transitioning us perfectly into the rest of the scene.
It's an excellent moment of character, it works because of the work of the author, and I had a genuine smile on my face afterwards.

Though, I don't care for the tricks used with the bold text. I've mentioned before how I don't like it when authors use all-caps, since it's a cheap way of telling the audience "oh look, they're shouting," rather than conveying that through the story, context, and character. The bold text here is very similar. I'm willing to excuse some of it, like: "I?m not DONE with you." since that at least fits the intensity of the moment. But then there's:

"knife aimed for her heart?"

Yeah, this just doesn't work. "Oh, look! This part is REALLY important! So I bolded it! Feel the emotion and oomph! Because it's bolded!" Let your writing and the scene impart meaning and punch to the audience, not your text styles.

Random aside: how does the title make sense? Redwall doesn't show up anywhere. It's an incredibly minor nitpick, but I do really enjoy when posts have titles that fit.

Overall? Kali is a super fun character. She doesn't necessarily have a ton of depth to her just yet, but that's fine. Kali is like some really, really good cotton-candy that's sure to put a smile on your face. Luckily for her author, there is hope of a character arc being set up, with her whole deal about authenticity of performing, being appreciated by the crowds, etc.
One warning to the author: do not rest on your laurels. Kali is super fun, but if that's all she ever is, she'll get voted off the moment her act becomes tiring (which it will). We'll need to see what her story actually is. What her quest will be. How she's more than just cotton candy at the fair. I have high hope that you can do it, though. A good first showing here.

[Tooley Bostay]

The Best-laid Plans

The writing here is very smooth. It doesn't waste my time, and I enjoyed the pace of it all--seeing Silas work the various jobs, learn about the Crater, and figure out the routine of the guards. I think I would have liked to have seen a bit more downtime with him. So much of the post is just description about what he's doing and why--some more dialogue would have rounded things out a bit. The bit with him talking to the poorer laborers is a wonderful example of this, and furthermore, it reminds us that Silas is just a farm rat from many miles away. Of course he relates to these beasts.
I'm not dinging any points for this, though. It makes sense that Silas keeps to himself in his sole focus. Just a word of caution for your future posts.

I work in landscaping, so you earned a smile from me with all the gardening bits later on. Though, if I read it right, three weeks just for fifty vines means those workers were heckuva slackin' off. Unless the "following weeks of trellis installation along the Crater walls" was also something they did, though I'm not clear if those weeks fell under the same "three weeks" that is mentioned at the start.

I very much enjoy seeing his story play out, though. Is it a traditional revenge story? Sure, but there's nothing wrong with that. Silas is a compelling character, you very much get a feel for what he's lost, and I want to see where his story leads.

A few oddities that broke me a bit from the character. Like when he finally hears tell where exactly Blasio is. This rat's first reaction - the same rat driven so far across the world only by pure revenge and hatred? He sighs. And wishes that Blasio was in an easier to locate place. I mean, sure, Silas isn't wrong, but I would think Silas would feel a rush of purpose, of determination, of finally knowing exactly where that blasted beast is.
Not sure exactly what his deal with shredding the tunic is, either. He wraps them around his body, but... why? I can make guesses, but I just didn't connect with what was going on. Related to this, the random aside about the letters at that time was also confusing. Thought at first that they were in that tunic, not in the outfit he was already wearing. A bit more clarity of what's going on with such details would have helped.

he could practically taste the thick, pungent oil that coated Blasio Timberfell?s shiny coat

Eh? How does Silas know what sort of oil coats Blasio's coat? He never met the beaver.

A good post, in the end. A few bits that stuck out, but nothing that harms Silas as a character. I think he'll eventually need something more than just his revenge shtick to get him far in the contest, but I have hope that Silas' author will figure something out. They've a capable handle over the craft, and their writing is easy and enjoyable to read.

[Tooley Bostay]

All We Have Left

Wee Bonnie and her mother were quite the headstrong pair,

Eh? I thought Bonnie was the mother?  *reads further* ...the Scottish hare has a wife and child named Bonnie? That's a bit much. And it ties into an overarching thing for me. I'm not a big fan of the Scottish accent when it's written out. It's unfair of me to ding it against the author, but ugh, I just hate seeing it written out. Gets on my nerves for reasons I can only take guesses at. I think a large part is that it lives and breathes tropes. "Look, my character has a 'Mac' prefix for their last name and says 'Ach' a lot. Hurrah, characterization!" I mention this at the top because it keys into a lot of the problems I have with Kentigern.

For one, there are a ton of hard inserts in this piece, and half of them don't need to be there at all. Why do I care about if Kentigern can hold his liquor against Dunwillie? And why do I care about how good a drinker Dunwillie is? Or Kentigern going off about how his fur is graying because he's raising a family. Or him reminiscing about the letter he sent to his daughter. Or him talking about his family's traditions. I don't care about any of these because in large part, I have - at that point in time - zero idea where Kent is, or what he's doing. Why is he talking to Dunwillie? Why does any of it matter? What's the context for any of this?
In relation to my nonplussed attitude with Scottish accents, this is kind of what I'm talking about. Two war buddies chat about random stuff that I have no direct relation or care about, and they do so with Scottish accents. So... it's characterization, I guess? Just talking about traditions, or the good times, or the auld ways doesn't mean anything to me, since I don't know what half of those are, and the ones I do I have no frame of reference to care about.

These are the guys that you find in bars, talking about the times in college where they used to be the kings of the sororities, and one of them you know has a bad family life and doesn't treat his wife as he should. None of us would care about about that guy, so why would we care about Kentigern?

Even when we finally get to the "why" of Kentigern talking to Dunwillie, it's still drowned under unnecessary and confusing details. Who the heck is Laird Abernathy? Or MacGillie? Or Alastair??? And immediately we drop the "Actually, that's why ah asked ye tae travel all this way." and go straight back to more sorority reminiscing about the Braw Wanderers and saying more Scottish phrases. Why do I care when Kentigern last saw Alastair?

The Nire scene is a huge improvement. We know why Kentigern is there, and the bit about Nire playing his vermin hatred against him is well done. As an aside, I think there was a missed opportunity there that would have tied into my comments above, and that's when Nire says he got damson wine from Redwall. Earlier, Kentigern notes how his family is close to Redwall, and so they'd be safe. Suddenly, he's just heard proof that even Nire has influence over Redwall. Boom, instant moment for him to begin to realize that maybe he's made a poor decision in ditching his family. And the audience would care because we know about Kentigern, we know about his family, and it keys into that family/duty conflict that Kentigern has going. That's what was missing from the above. It was all new information that the audience has zero understanding of, and only related to Kentigern, not Kentigern's story.

Aaand he's also a jerk to Thrayjen. Who I'm a big fan of. More of a taste comment, not a major criticism, but I do go back to my suggestion at the end of my app review for Kentigern: why should I empathize with him? Sure, he's on a quest to help an innocent child, but what he's doing versus how I feel about him as a person are two different things. Kentigern needs to learn some humility fast, because as of now - at least for me - I really don't enjoy his character.

None of this is a slam against you, Kentigern's author. Your writing is capable, you have a keen focus on establishing history with each of your characters, and I like that you've taken the challenge of writing an unconventional character type. For example, as much as I loved Thrayjen's app, it was also a very "safe" story. The beast running from a bad past and trying their best to be good to those who have helped them? We naturally gravitate to such stories. That doesn't mean that Thrayjen is a poor author - because he's not - but so too does my criticism of you not mean that you're not a good author either. There are just some choices in here in character direction that don't work well.

Work on your focus. Give us reasons to empathize with Kentigern the person. As of now, I don't really know why he's doing anything that he's doing. Why risk his life for some distant "relative" when he has a family he should be taking care of? And the "auld ways" is not an answer that I can empathize with. Why do those ways matter so much to him? Why do they drive him to run even from his family? Are they even the reason he's doing this at all, or is it just an excuse so he can run from his responsibilities of home life? Answer those questions, and Kentigern may just end up being a fascinating character.

[Tooley Bostay]

Chin Up

Thrayjennnnn! Yayyy! Don't disappoint me, bro. *starts reading*

Hmm... I'm not sure what to make of Thrayjen's reactions to everything. He's a very tender soul, obviously, but he takes everything in such stride. Is he seriously not that bothered by the loss (death? Maybe?) of the hedgehogs that took him in? Take a look after his encounter with Kentigern. There's a bit about his "indignant heat," but we never really get to see him angry. Now, here's the interesting thing: I don't think this is all too much of a problem. Why? Because it ties into the story being told. Check out Blue's reactions to him, how she gets frustrated that he's not willing to act out and fight. In a similar way, we the audience get frustrated at not seeing Thrayjen display some more vibrant emotions. It's that link that tells me the author is purposefully doing this, rather than just waffling about showing anemic reactions from Thrayjen.

In regards to Blue, I think she was a very good addition. Two reasons for that. One, there's a unifying element that exists between her and Thrayjen--their names. Blue isn't her real name, just as Hracken isn't his (and perhaps even Thrayjen as well?). I'm not sure exactly what the author's plan with this element is, but it connects the two characters together in a deeper way. Second off, her acting as both a friendly face for Thrayjen, but also being cold when the situation flips. I would have raised issue with her, had it not been for that ear-twisting moment. Just as we know there's more to Thrayjen then he's showing, I think it's clear there's more to Blue. And she may not be the friendly ferret that we think she is.

I wish Thrayjen's author had gone for the same approach that Minerva did. We don't get to see or experience any of his journey to the Crater. Most importantly - and regrettably - we don't get to see exactly how he reacts in regards to Nan and the children. Apparently he leads the slavers away, but what did that actually look like? What words did he choose to comfort the children, or did he not bother at all? How does he react in such a heat-of-the-moment time? It's a huge loss to not see this for ourselves, and is one of the reasons why his muted reactions in the post rubs me a bit the wrong way.

It's the first post, so I won't ding it too much, but I'm not clear on what Thrayjen's overall story is building up to be. Who was he, before he was taken in by Nan? We still don't know. What did he bury? Did the slavers come for him in particular? Is he related at all to Nire's operations? Why is he so focused on making amends with Kentigern, and avoiding any and all conflict? How exactly does he plan to survive, beyond just smiling and saying "it'll work out"?

I'm mixed on my opinions with this post. It strikes me a lot like Star Wars: Episode VII. Some great things, some odds things, and my overall opinion is going to be determined by how much of those odd things are justified by what the sequel does. Translation: like Kali and Aldridge, don't sit on your laurels. If you hold Thrayjen's secret and past over our heads for too long, then he will get voted off. Look for opportunities to show us more of Thrayjen. Put him in increasingly challenging situations where he's forced to bend or break. I think it works well for this first post, but look at breaking him away - at least in some key moments - from that static "go with the flow" attitude. I have hope that his first encounter in the arena will jar him in ways that will make for some delicious future conflict.

[Tooley Bostay]

The Stupid Situation I'm In

I'll make particular mention of the opening scene. Similar to the app, Sly's author is excellent at that sort of rambling gab, and it's genuinely humorous. Nothing to make me guffaw, but definitely brought a smile to my face. Heck, all throughout the post, there's a lot of good wordplay and back-and-forth. We clearly get a feel for Sly's character, which is necessary given how he doesn't have some massive backstory propelling him forward--in these early weeks, he'll live or die on personality alone.

Why does Geralt have a lisp? Sure sure, it's color to the character, but it wears out it'th welcome really fast, and there is zero reason to bother with it. It's the only defining feature to the fox - besides the aside about his spectacles - and a lisp does not a character make. "But Tooley, it's just a random NPC. Why harp on this like he's an important character?" Because the lisp draws our attention. By adding it, the author says "pay attention!" albeit with no payoff.

Why does this matter? Because Sly runs the risk of the same. "Look, he's gabby! Look, he's a drunk!" Okay, and what else? What's his story? He's going to be playing the betting game with that one coin, but only for the point of securing his next drink. Now, is this a bad thing? No, not exactly. It's a static, selfish character who will manipulate those around him for his own benefit. Problem is, he'll only ever be as important as his surroundings. Sly's story won't fascinate the readers, his meddling with the other cast members will. In this way, Sly's a force, not a character. This is also his first post, so it'd be unfair to presume that there will be nothing more to his character, but I'm noting this here so that the author understands that his character runs a great risk of ultimately being just an antagonistic presence for the other cast members.

An indentured servant in the Crater is allowed in the same bar that Blasio - a beast able to sit in literally one of the best seats of the house - is in? I suppose it's possible, but then why is Sly even able to procure drinks at all? As he says, he's not getting paid, so how did that arrangement even start in the first place? Surely the barkeep isn't as daft as to open a tab for anyone, and surely not collared beasts in the Crater.
It's also probable that Blasio lowered himself down to be in a lesser bar - he says he doesn't frequent it - but why's he down there anyway? If it's about business, surely he'd bring beasts up to meet him on his level, as befitting a jerkwad of his magnitude.

Enjoy your drink, Mr. Speaky.

Pointing this out because I love it. In a line, it perfectly encapsulates Blasio's arrogance and superiority-complex. An excellent example of the type of sharp wordplay I mentioned above. Good stuff.

Da heck? Why is Kentigern spilling the beans of his plan to this random vole?! ...and oh gosh, there he goes again, spouting off more sorority hijinks. Please tell me this isn't supposed to be a charming aspect to his character, or something?

Final point of consideration: as with my criticism of the app, don't just tell us about Sly and his flaws.

And let me tell you, I was never without a drink in paw, no matter how disastrous that was for my tabs. And my temper.?

I still don't know what Sly is like when he's drunk. After the mug he has in the post, he's as in control of his faculties as ever. In future posts, that line above? I want to see that. I want to see drunk Sly. I want to see what it does to his temper. The gab is humorous, but don't let it overshadow the character.

[Tooley Bostay]

Treading Paper

What a post. From the top, just going to give Adeen props for the excellent writing here. Now let's take a dive in and see what works about this.

First up, the cast interactions are spot-on. This is how you make your character interact and bond with the other cast members. Why? First, let's look at how some of the cast members have handled NPCs. Kali's moment with Inkpaw, Silas with Blasio, Thrayjen with Blue. All these NPCs feel "right" when you read about them. Like they're key aspects to showcase the main character. Makes sense, that's what NPCs are meant to do. But check out how Adeen handles not only NPCs (such as Hargorn) but the rest of the cast. They feel like they're meant to be a part of her story. These aren't throwaway cameos for the sake of winking at the audience.
Aldridge? Adeen's remembrance of his request of water, their discussion about her notoriety among the beasts, her realization that he acts just as she did when in prison--all of it informs us deeper of who Adeen is, but it also enriches Aldridge in the process. Same with Minerva and Kentrith. Minerva shows us softer side of Adeen while tying into her storyarc desire to stay "out of the storm," but it also shows us a softer side to Minerva. Kentrith? Shows how desperate she is to avoid probable horror at the paws of Hargorn, but also her knowledge of Hapley and some tidbits of her history (which is still unclear). And for Kentrith it shows how he has clout and weight among the proceedings of the arena, while also having that stern sort of care that befits his status as a former medic.
This is glorious stuff. Top 10, take notes. When you have cast interactions, have them bolster your character and their storyarc, but just as you made your NPCs feel natural and necessary to your characters story, so too do the same with your cast interactions.

I'm... split on the Hargorn thing. It's pretty clear just what kind of beast he is, and what he was planning on doing with Adeen. I'm not against stories dipping into darker territory - far from it, I think it's necessary at times - but when I see a writer do so, I want to see why they're doing it. So, I have to ask the question of if this serves the story, or is done merely for shock. It's pretty clear that this serves the story, namely because Hargorn is not a character who exists in a void. He's not some tormentor NPC who just exists to terrify Adeen. Instead, his presence is key in providing motivation for Adeen to seek out Kentrith, and move her story forward. The potential evil he represents isn't added for cheap shock or fear, it's a legimately terrible thing that could happen to Adeen, which prompts her to act. So I think ultimately it works here. Just exercise restraint as you pursue this thread. I'm not against bad things happening in stories, because hey, bad things happen in real life, but handle this with care, Adeen.
Also, as an aside, the whole moment kind of confused me with this line: "Never 'ad an eye yer lot." ...wut? Never had an eye your lot? Eye on your lot? I think there's a word missing. I'm still not sure what he's getting at here.

The writing as a whole is rather fantastic. The author doesn't waste our time with repetitive description, and instead focuses on painting clear pictures with just enough holes to let the reader's imagination fill the gaps. Like this part:

Cricken stepped clear around Adeen and vanished into the crowd. The murmurs rose into challenges, then preparations. Veterans cracked their knuckles and widened their stance. The fresh slaves huddled against one another whether they realized their cowardice or not.

Look how little time is spent on things that don't matter. Adeen looking this way or that, feeling this or that, etc. Nah, it's just "The crowd gets rowdy. Veterans are there, and the fresh blood too, and all have the same idea: they're afraid of her."

The bit with Sly was not only confusing, but I also didn't buy it. For the confusion:

?Nire wants them sorted and trained for some stunt.?

?And are the newest painted a special color?? Adeen smiled despite herself and snuck closer.

Needed a paragraph break for Adeen's reaction. I got stuck for several minutes wondering if she'd asked that question or not, then the bit with the "kiss of mischief licked his eased conscience" I was thinking she suddenly was all up on Sly??? It was just a messy paragraph to sort out.
For the not-buying-it: yeah no, as broken as Adeen is, and just avoiding that moment with Hargorn, she's not gonna be eyein' up some other vole and sayin' "what a fine piece o' fur." Part of this is less Adeen's reaction, and more the "kiss of mischief" line, which is not only just weird and confusing (what the heck does it it even mean? Kiss... of mischief... licking(?)... his eased conscience???), but also the romantic word choices guide us in what I feel is the wrong direction.

Finally, some props for that final bit. I was worried that we were going to ditch Adeen's whole "crazy volewife" thing and just go for a simple "I guess she's good now!" storyarc. Nope. Instead, the author wisely chooses to show that she's got some hard decisions to make. Adeen is going to face... wait for it... CONFLICT. Sweet, glorious conflict! Made all the sweeter from the genuine bonds she's formed with some of the cast. I'm genuinely interested to see where she goes from here.

Wonderful work, Adeen.

[Tooley Bostay]

Tectonic

Aldridge. Buddy. We need to have a talk about post length. This is way too long, and as with Minerva, you don't need a lot of the stuff here. Look at that first third of your post, where it details his journey to the Crater. What are important moments that happen that weren't seen/implied in other posts? To my opinion, it's his conclusions on why the beasts of Madder Barrow didn't revolt (which could have been slotted into his conversation with Nire without losing anything), the bit with the weird tree machanism (showcases some of Nix's personality, but nothing of notable merit for Aldridge), and Aera sneering in pleasure/Aldridge's pumping up the crowd (the former is worthwhile only if it is meant to show that, perhaps fearfully so, she may potentially take to the horrors of the Crater with actual eagerness. Unsure if that's the case. The latter? Unnecessary).
That is 2,700 words for nothing of particular note, and anything that is could have been moved to another scene. Cut it all. The post should have begun here: "In his youth, he had served under a very different master in a very different place." We know or can reliably guess what happened to Aldridge during his journey over, so there's no need for backlogging all that information.

On the flipside, this post does do a lot to alleviate my prior concerns. How? We finally get to see what makes Aldridge tic, and moreover, see just where this may end up leading him. It's once Nire pulls out Aera. Here's the thing, I was actually a bit iffy on this moment when I first read it. Part of me worried it was more of a "hey, it worked in my first post when I had him notice stuff. I'll have him do it again!" But there's more here than just another rehash of a cool character moment. Far from him simply noticing things, this is the first time we're keyed into the fact that when Aldridge "notices everything," something changes in him. He's actually overcome by it, and right afterwards, he has his fantasy of the litany of ways he could murder Nire. Now, he pulls back from this, but this gives us our first delicious hint to a larger story to Aldridge. He's not just a beast who's got keen vision. Nah, he's a beast that when you tick him off, he can go over then edge, and go FAR. This is excellent, because immediately we the audience are wondering "what if he does let loose sometime? What happens then? What will he lose, or gain?" Yet again, it's a great moment. A word of caution to the author, it is only a great moment because of the extra depth to it. Were it just another "Aldridge lists things he notices in keen detail," then it'd fall short. Be careful how and when you use this element of Aldridge again.

I've just recently gotten into archery, so seeing the bit about him destringing the bow was both familiar and fun. Obviously, at least in a rudimentary sense, you've done your homework.

Aldridge is a quiet soul, but we're beginning to see more to him. Both in his Nire-murder-fantasies, but also is showing more of why exactly he's such a quiet soul. Notably, this is expressed to us by his observance of some psuedo-religious rites (One set of teachings[...]crossed his legs, emptied his mind, and began to breathe), which also clues us in on how a vermin hordebeast like him might have softened up to end up finding a home amongst woodlanders. This is an interesting element to his backstory--don't drop it. Especially because we see him begin to break and begin to question things (Heard himself screaming and begging and praying - he had never prayed in his life.). Don't drop this. Aldridge did something to find a form of peace, and now that's being shattered. This is has the potential to be glorious conflict. How does he make amends with the new horrors he's faced? Will he break under the strain? Will he come to a place where his old habits no longer grant him the peace he once held? These, among many other unasked questions, are all good. Don't disappoint the audience by shrugging them off and saying "eh, he's just a bowyer. Woo."

Split on the moment with the abomination. On the one hand, I appreciate the attempt to showcase Aldrdge's mindset via the odd, broken structure. On the other hand, I feel it comes in way too fast. He just looks at the thing and BOOM we go into hyper broken prose. The stuttered sentence structure at the end works best, I think. "Felt himself [...] Heard himself [...] Watched himself" Aldridge is ripped from himself at this point, and this is reflected in the writing itself. That quiet, at peace soul? Nope. Gone-zo.

Following from this, and related to my initial review, I wish there was a bit more reaction from Aldridge. Dude just had his mind broken. One of the first lines following this?

Beasts were waking up all around him - ah. He hadn't been put back in solitary, then.

It's so casual, and robs us from truly feeling what Aldridge is feeling. Sure, we're told he shakes, but we're only told that. We don't see how it impacts his mind, his observations. And who the heck is "Not-The-Monster-Of-Mossflower"? I'm going to assume I'm just missing a reference, because at this point, I only know it's not Minerva? Why is he caring about her at all when dude just saw Squidbro 9000?

I really like the bit with the archery. You don't stress this in the post, so I'm not sure if it was planned or not, but it works because this is exactly what Nire would do. He's smart enough to not just blindly shove a beast into Horrorville. Nah, he does that with the knowledge that a beast will afterwards instantly be looking for comfort. Something to ground them. For Aldridge? It's archery, and boom, Nire's got this stoat in his paws. The door's been opened, and now Aldridge can't back out. It's a wonderful bit of manipulation.

A moment of disappointment with the bit about Nire throwing away the old bowyers. It's a great moment to have Aldridge not be shocked by the job proposal, but that Nire would just toss away beasts. Shows us where his heart is. Then Nire's all "hey death is the lesser of two evils" and Aldridge is all "K." Too late now, but I think it would have been cool for Aldridge to double down here and stand up. Have him say that he'll train the bowyers. He won't stand for Nire just tossing beasts away, and Nire just mentioned how the other master bowyers never taught any of his staff. Boom, suddenly Aldridge grasps a little bit of control, and Nire can in no way refuse a deal like that, eh? Especially now, before he's succumb (if that's at all your plan) to the workings of the Crater, Aldridge needs to push back where he can and establish himself. More importantly, be on the watch for moments like that. "Aldridge is shocked at beasts being killed! Oh, well, I guess he's okay with it now. ...??"

Throughout the post, in some cases I've already mentioned, there's a lack of clarity just what is going on with Aldridge. Things like how he isn't noticeably disoriented after the Doombeast encoutner (to us, the readers, which is the most important part). Or how he starts yucking it up with Nire and jesting slightly (though he does catch himself falling victim to this, look at the context. The very previous line before he jokes about how old he is? "Aldridge took a page from Ulrich's book and tried very hard to glare Nire to death." No way would he shift that fast. Nire must disarm him mentally before he can begin to fall under Nire's influence.). Or why he is teaching one of his enemies valuable combat maneuvers (yes, we see that it puts him at ease, but I'd like to see more of why he decides to do this. Does he use the move out of reflex, and then realizes he's perhaps made the bad decision, only to later feel at ease when he trains with her? Does he purposefully train her just to get the day's events out of his mind? Etc.)
I want to be more in the moment with Aldridge. Feel what he's feeling. Experience what's roaring through his mind. Understand the thoughts plaguing and comforting him.

The ferret asked him about life down South in the olden days as a little dig about his age, and he asked about life up North in the olden days as a little dig about hers.

Just kiss alrea--wait no. You're not Komi! *gasp* Treachery! Aldridge! How could you?! =P

Whew. That was a lot. I write this much because Aldridge is - in potential - one of my favorite characters in the cast. He's a fantastic character, but part of me worries that sometimes it's more on accident than on purpose. That's not a ding against your ability as an author, Aldridge, as you continue to show a deft handle over wordplay. Consider it a warning to be more clear with your direction. Your fellow authors will help you with this--ask them for help, and they'll give it.

I very much look forward to seeing where you take Aldridge from here.

--- --- ---

As an aside, the deadline is tonight, Top 10. I know it can be hard to meet these deadlines, but I also know how frustrating it is to have your post ready and you're forced to wait for one of your authors to finish posting theirs up. While I understand this, you all should also understand this is a contest. It'll be clear to the audience who is holding up the process, and while it may not influence my votes this round, know that I'm keeping my eye out for future rounds.

To be more clear, in proper Blunt Tooley fashion: get your posts out on time in the following weeks, or face the vote of the yonder Tooley beast. I would rather have a worse character who gets their posts done on time than an author who can't keep up with the pace.

[Tooley Bostay]

Virtue and Terror

My thoughts on Silas remain largely the same. The writing is very solid without any notable slip-ups, and his moment with Adeen was nicely executed. Shows they have a common goal and hatred of the yonder gentry. Everything here is good, just none of it really pops out and grabs hold of my attention.

Props, on the other hand, for the short post. A relief to read something sharp and to-the-point after Aldridge's huge post (sorry, bud).

Here's my issue with Silas. And Nire says it himself:

Vulpuz, it gets a little old. And no creativity. No pizazz. At least you could have tried something with a little more style.

He's spot on. I already said before there's nothing wrong with a traditional revenge story. This is true. However, it can't be the only thing to the character. Silas' revenge story is very straightforward, and while I do feel for the guy, it lacks "pizazz." What more is there to Silas beyond his hatred of Blasio? Hatred of the elites in general, I suppose, but it all runs along the same line. "Silas hates [X] and wants to kill/stop them." Yes, he now has the whole "I'm going to survive, no matter what" thing, but that's everyone's arc. Of course they want to survive. It's not that he lacks the motivation, because he has that down in spades, he just lacks spice. Style. Pizazz.

Silas is a very solid character, and I do enjoy reading him, but I also find myself forgetting that he's a presence in the story. When I think of the Top 10, I usually have to remind myself "oh yeah, Silas is in there too." Find a way to fix that. Make me remember Silas, and get me excited to read his next post, and the post after that. Find ways of introducing meaty conflict for the readers to sink their teeth into. Get us enthralled and cheering for this character, rather than looking at him the same way Nire does: "A competent assassin, with no reason to care further."

[Tooley Bostay]

Desperation and Inspiration

Not feeling the nightmare. It's every story nightmare I've ever read. "Blood, and beasts in the distance who you try to reach, but you can't move or speak. Look at how metaphorical this all is, and how convenient." The only interesting part? It ends with him being swallowed up, not her. That perks my interest.

So I like Komi. I like Aldridge. ...why don't I like it whenever they talk to each other? That's a rhetorical question, because I think I know why. Look at how melodramatic each of these characters become when they're around one another. Example:

?Komi! What happened?? Aldridge asked loudly, his voice edged on panic.

Red walls above. Red blood below. Screams. Cries. Arrows. Not enough going up. Far too many coming down.

?Komi! Please! What?s wrong?? Aldridge begged. ?Please tell me what happened!?

It's less about what happens then how it happens. Look at Aldridge. This isn't Aldridge. Not quiet soul, meditation-stoat Aldridge. Him begging, him constantly asking "please," how five of his seven sentences begin with him saying her name. Furthermore, none of the dialogue here communicates the history that these two share. Aldridge's lines could be said by any character to anyone else in trouble.

Furthermore, any time these two are on-screen together, the story immediately locks into a single tone, and never shifts from it--strained, melodramatic distance. It gets tiring quickly, because there is never any progress. When the scene begins to when it ends, Komi and Aldridge will do and say one thing over and over just in different ways. "Let me help." "No." "Please let me help." "But [vague hints to past events]." "But I want to help!" "[Angry response.]"

I really like these two characters, which makes their interactions so disappointing. My suggestion? Stop focusing on the melodrama, on the cliche strains of a past relationship. Focus instead upon their actions and reactions to one another. Instead of having Aldridge show up and start begging at her, what could he do that shows his concern and care, that befits his personality (with the water barrel, does he offer a cup that he has that Komi doesn't? Does he try and put a comforting arm on her shoulder?) And with Komi, instead of her maintaining one single note of bitterness and constantly be winking at the audience with vague notions of what happened in the past, how can she act and react to Aldridge? Something that shows their history, where their relationship stands, and fits her personality (making sure to shoulder him whenever he tries to approach her, or perhaps disabling him with a weak spot that she knows of, etc.).
And if they talk, have them actually talk to one another. Don't dip your quill into the easily-accessible ink pot of drama tropes. If Komi's not at a point to talk to him, then great, use that to inform their character conflict! What if she has to seek him out and talk to him about something? What's a normal conversation look like between them, both before and after they've made amends?

Right, let's move on. Because I really liked her interaction with Kentrith. Similar to what I praised in Adeen's post, this both enhances Komi as a character and enriches Kentrith. She now has a direction to pursue, and we get to see as well that Kentrith may be willing to risk himself to help beasts he doesn't even know much about. On my first read, for some reason I thought she was looking at the doorway leading into access tunnels when Kentrith grabbed at her. This would have made his "hint" at the end all the better, since it would have been the perfect blend of specificity (she wasn't looking at the scorpion pit at all, so why mention it?) and context (but she is looking at the door, so he's pushing her in the right direction). On a second look, seems like I was a bit wrong, and the hint comes a bit more out of the blue. Still works, though, since now as a reader I'm in the same position as Komi. Is the scorpion chamber a way out, or certain doom? And just like Komi, I want to find out, because this may just be here ticket home.

And this line?

?I?m not running anywhere.?

Hapley snorted a laugh, ?Aye, and tell me another.

This is fantastic. This is what's missing from Komi and Aldridge's dialogue. Cutting straight past the fluff. Kentrith doesn't need to say "why are you lying to me?" when he already knows she is. He's learned enough and smart enough to know when a beast lies, and reacts accordingly. In a way, he knows Komi enough to have his dialogue be this focused and insightful. It's great stuff, so big props for this whole interaction.

Also, the scorpions are cool. I wasn't sure exactly what "other creatures" Nire would have, and if they'd be weird or not, but dang the scorpions are a good addition. Perfect blend of monstrous and dangerous. Can't wait to see what part them play in the story, and furthermore, how Komi learns more about them.

An overall good post, dripping with a bit too much sap and melodrama for my tastes. Bring it back down to earth, Komi. You show a good handle over snappy, sharp conversation with Kentrith, I just think your mind is probably focused too far in the future with Aldridge. Show us interesting conversation with him in the here and now, rather than waiting for that inevitable moment that will bring the two closer/further apart later in the story.

[Tooley Bostay]

Haunted

So after that first post, Kentrith was in my bottom three. Definitely lined up on the chopping block for the upcoming rounds. A shame, since I loved his app quite a bit.

...which is why I am so happy with this post. This is how you recover from a bad post/week, gents and gentesses! Not only does this mend all the issues I raised with that first post, it also gets me actually excited once more to see where our dear medic fox is gonna go in the story, and what he'll do. Let's hop right in.

The bit with Hargorn may seem like empty conflict at first, but I think there's a ton of potential here. It shows that Kentrith isn't exactly trusted among the Crater staff. This, of course, matters once we get to the end of the post and realize what Kentrith's plan even is. So right from the very start, Kentrith's author offers us a vision of future conflict, rooted against the actions the character will be performing. Excellent.

The Aldridge bit is a little weird. Did Aldridge seriously not realize he swiped a spoon? And why he lashing out like this? Similar to my criticisms with Komi, it seems out of character given his soft disposition. And then his response afterwards with "pretend it's a knife." If he got angry enough to assault Crater staff in broad public, then surely he wouldn't be shrugging his shoulders and saying "WELP." On the flipside, I do like Kentrith's response. How he waves off the issue like it was expected. He's going to need to be careful with that tender heart he has for the slaves--not all of them are as good-natured as Aldridge, as I'm sure he knows.

I'm not crazy about flashback inserts in posts, but in this case, I'll make an exception. Chugging further down the "Kentrith is Awesome Again" train, we finally get to see a little about what happened to Kentrith after he first left the arena. FAR more importantly is the Abbot's question to Kentrith: "What dead flesh needs to be cut away?" First off, this is spot on with how I picture a wise, kindly Redwall Abbot to sound. Gently turning a beast's own worldview around so that they look at their life from a different perspective. Second off, we begin to see a theme being built around Kentrith's character. What drives him, what he fears, and better yet, the author also gives us the why to both of those answers.
The scene structure itself is also excellent. We're thrust into the moment with enough details so that we're not confused, but we don't fully understand what's going on until Kentrith names the mouse as "Father Abbot."

The Nix bit contrasts Hargorn well. It's good to see Kentrith be "comfortable" around another beast. Someone who understands him, and someone who he understands. I'm not crazy on Nix's character, since she's been a puddle of meh to my mind so far, but this is the first moment where I legitimately felt there was something more to her. Namely because she's actually having a solid interaction with a cast member.

And good golly, that Marik scene with the touchdown play. BOOM. Everything I criticized in the first post has been exploded and voided. We know exactly why Kentrith has returned, we know exactly why the fights still pain him despite his participation, we know exactly why this matters to him. Furthermore, we care, because Marik isn't just some pity-party stand in for the audience to "Awww." over. Why? Because Kentrith has a history with this child, but moreover, that history makes sense. Of course the medic would gravitate to a disabled beast. Kentrith was distant even with Bothan, so we needed to see him interact with someone he genuinely cares about. See him soft and vulnerable.

Biggest thing from that scene? I now know where Kentrith is going in the story. He's a game-changer and a play-maker. Don't let that slip from your fingertips, Kentrith. Make use of that, because you just made a heck of a save.

It's not all sunshine and rainbows. There are several sentences and moments that are ungainly in their structure. Like when Marik first notices Kentrith. Calls him Happy, stumps over and gives him a big hug. It's all very sweet, very tender. Then the next line he says? "I?m not in the ring, or amongst the other beasts who work here," Amongst? Eh? It's a huge verbal leap from our initial impression of him. He's obviously not a dolt, given how he instructs the children, but it's a step too far. Moments like that splatter across the post, but for this review, I'm not going to focus on them, because I think the author deserves far more praise.

Well done, Kentrith. You made it back to my top 5, and being frank, from that first post I worried you didn't have it in you. So good on you for provin' ol' Tooley wrong.

[Tooley Bostay]

Pretty much my final night to post up reviews, so gonna try and speedrun through these. Hoping to high heaven none of you wrote another 8k post.

Entry of the Gladiators

Gosh, you have such a handle over humorous tone. Your posts are hilarious, Kali. And once more, that excellent use of comedic contrast with the "By the stars, I did/didn't kill him!" It'd waste too much time to list all the moments, but suffice it to say, you very quickly put a smile onto my face, and it stayed there for some time. Very well done.

?Nooooooo. He?s still alive. I think.?

Yeahhh that sounds nothing like Nire.

Slowly Nire?s teeth grew longer,[...]and bit off her head?

I let out an audible "da heeccckkk?" And, in relation to my above point... I think this fixes it. That whole thing was a dream, so the fact that Nire sounds almost more like Kali is actually rather brilliant. Solid use of foreshadowing, though the execution was still a little odd on my first read.

allowing the wearer to show off as much of their midriff as these parts considered decent? enough.

I dunno, I just never think of Redwall characters as having to even worry about this stuff. It's not really a criticism, but this does stand out as a little weird to me. Same thing with a moment in your first post, where she was hanging upside down and worried about her outfit flipping up and being revealing? Just don't see a reason to even bother mentioning it.

Slowly and with restraint Kali held the broken lute above the waste basket. Covering her eyes with a wing, she summoned the courage to let the instrument drop.

Took her a week to do that, eh?

As I'm continuing to read this, I realize that I get a sort of early-age, Lucasarts adventure game vibe from all of Kali's posts. The "I followed you" bit almost sounds like it could be right out of Monkey Island or something. It's one of the reasons Kali's posts are so charming--that have that classical whimsy and humor to them. Not really tinged with the bitter sarcasm that reigns in today's comedy.

?Nooooooo.? Aldridge backed away, shaking his paws at the bat. ?No no no no. I am fairly certain that thing feeds on fear.?

Bleh, I take it back on the Nire thing above. Be careful with how you write other characters, Kali. None of the other cast would ever talk like this. This is strictly Kali-speak. The whole bit with them wandering around, while initially humorous, does run its course very quickly. I'm already wanting them to hurry up and actually do something. In fact, by the end of it, I'm wondering what the whole point of it was. They literally just waste time. So why waste mine as well? The only thing that comes of the moment is we get to see Aldridge is still spooked by Tentabro.

Tenderly he reached out to her shoulder, ?Kali?? he began.

Just kiss already.

Okay, so at the end of all this, I'm kind of left saying "this was fun. ...what was the point?" Sure, Kali's "The Silly Beast," but you already have such potential set up with her character. The push and pull between success and artistry being a notable one. Sure, things happen in this post (her singing "successfully" and making some progress with Baxter) but none of it really matters. At least at this moment. Look at how it ends. Her jaw drops. ...and? So what does she actually do? I'm sure you're planning on answering that next round, but you need to be careful you don't leave the actual meat of your posts out until your next post, since that's a fast way to getting voted off.