The Castle of Stonewall's Reviews

[Stonewall]

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. It seems that there's a story here, and it needs reviews. And since that's what I do, why not pull up a chair and let the Professor weigh in.

Okey dokey, top nine. I suppose you're wondering, "Since there was no top thirty, I don't know what the audience thinks of me." Well, allow me to give you a judge's perspective on the matter. And now that I know who's all in this party, I can visualize how the character's roles will play out a tad better.

Bellona Littlebrush: The War Veteran.

I'll confess that, when I  first read your application,  I was more concerned with the fact that a lot of time is spent on Sailpaw's story and exposition of the situation, rather than on Bellona herself. Also, with the absurdity of Sailpaw's accent and Brandon's gung-ho, I felt you actually upstaged the quiet, stoic Bellona. Water under the bridge now; you got in, so I won't nit pick over the organization of the application anymore and switch right to the character.

There's a few subtleties here that take one or two reads through before I caught onto them. We knew she was a warrior and a veteran, and that's fine; but it wasn't until recently that I realized: a kid dies right in front of her, and she isn't phazed at all. To which the question arises: does she even care any more, or is she just running on auto-pilot through her job? How much is still left in her head? War weariness, I believe, is the word I'm looking for. Still, we don't know much else about her personality or beliefs, so it would be a good idea to establish that right off the bat.

Revel: The Every-(wo)man

What I love about Revel is she's different than most other, for lack of a better term, bad guys in Survivor contests. Ironically, this uniqueness comes from her being more common, more relatable to the average reader. In the application, we see her kill a family and eat them; handled differently, Revel would have been pithy, slick, in complete control, witty, etc. There seems to be a general fear for people to write characters that  can't be in complete control of every situation ever. But when confronted with her crimes from the rat, rather than, say, posion him and get away with it, she balks and runs. She knows she's been caught, and her first inclination is to not be punished. I like how she's dirty and unkempt, she has an accent, she's plump; she's got flaws, and I don't know how she's going to get along. And it's that lack of knowledge that makes her journey so interesting.

The one thing that I truly loved, though, is that she's obviously a murderer with few morals, but there isn't a "Oooh, I'm so eeee-vil," vibe. That is, she does what she does for very practical reasons. She kills the kid because he found her out; she eats the bodies because she's hungry. What I'm trying to say is, these details aren't thrown in just to make her seem like a villain, but because it adds to her character; she's practicable, and doesn't dwell on the murders for very long. Makes you wonder how she was raised.

Suellyn: The Tragic Wife

What works with Suellyn, in my eye, is that she's got problems, but can't just go and fix them with a flick of her wrist. That is, rather than saying "I'm a gonna fight myself some vermin, and go an' get my hubbie back," she feels helpless to act. My biggest problem with a lot of modern fiction is that people think you can't have a strong female character unless she acts like Xena and is in control of everything ever, and  can't be stopped. I disagree entirely; why Suellyn is a strong character is because she can't fix her problems, but keeps going on any way. Her form of grieving is to not eat, which is actually very common when people lose someone; she broods over her problems, and kind of feels sorry for erself, rather than heroically going out to save the day. What I'm saying is, Suellyn is real. And as she is real, I feel I appreciate her just that much more.

[Stonewall]

Eliza Lacrimosa: The Belle

Oh, Eliza. You sent such scares through my spine throughout the first half of this. Let's just say that describing how beautiful she is and how jealous others are generally sends my Sue-dar a-beeping. Of course, that only adds to the shock value of the bait-and-switch you pull at the end. I'll admit that when I was judging, I was not a fan of this splitting of the scene, but now, upon further reads, I can live with it. Also, there's a lot of description of the ball, which may have seemed superfluous; of course, it also adds to describing the high-society that Eliza was part of, and how far she fell. Well, water under the bridge now. Let's get to the character.

You've created one heck of a problem for your character, which gives her drive. The line "she would rather die" is a nice touch, because whereas Suellyn is coping with her crisis, Eliza simply does not know how. And I'm actually very curious as to how she's going to get by. Is she still going to try and blend in with society? Is she going to run away? Will she maintain her haughty attitude? I don't know, and by not knowing, I am therefore intrigued. These complexities create an incredible amount of possibilities, and I adore characters with layers. The suspense is well kept, and I expect good things with our marten's character development.

Deadtail: The Opportunist

I like the abundance of character who, while could be considered "common" in that they don't have super-special awesome power, still have enough personality and character to them that I will stay interested. Such is the case with Deadtail; he has the ability and the competence to climb any mountain of success he puts his mind to, and yet, after topping the summit, he leaves. Self preservation? Or a fear of success? I also appreciate that, being older, he has to rely more and more on his brains, and it's getting harder to keep the beat. How long will he last?

Something stood out to me, though, and while my criticisms of application-structure may no longer be of the utmost importance, I feel I should say something. Deadtail is very passive in this. He watches as others do things, and while we get his thoughts on how things are going on, we don't get to see him do much. He sits on the sidelines, and although it seems in his character to plot, it might be a good idea to have him become more active. Plotting is all fine and well, but it only goes so far.

That's all. Sorry if it sounded condemning before the fact, as that really isn't my intention at all. You'll do fine.

Venril: The Ex-clerk

I will shamelessly say that Venril was near the top-billing in my choice for the nine. Because what we have here is another complicated character. He has a job that he didn't particularly want, but he feels like he wants to prove himself to these vermin; but he's so much of a weed that it's not going to be easy. He's going to be pushed around, but is he going to stay the course and overcome them? Fish-out-of-water characters are always good, because it's hard to call exactly how things are going to go for them. Heck, the horde-beasts might very well dump him in the river. I also enjoyed the self-depreciation that you wrote with, such as describing the commanding voice Venril uses as "high and squeaky." What I'm really interested in is when Venril gets tired of being pushed around and decides to start pushing back.

Just be sure not to under-write these complexities, and avoid getting pegged as the "comic relief" character. Because it's really, really, really, hard to shake that moniker once it gets stuck to you.


(Seriously, did I have to shoot Reese in the face, or what?  :twitch:)

[Suellyn]

Thank you Mr. Stonewall Sir.
*crumples up the paper with plans for the dream from Martin which leads Su to suddenly become the best archer ever in Mossflower using her own quills as arrowheads and rescuing not only her husband but the rest of the contestants as well from certain doom*
I'll stick to keepin' it real.

[Stonewall]

Damask the Minstrel: Tonight's Entertainment

Another example of my complaints within the application process no longer having much bearing. There was too much description of the bar and not enough of Damask's thoughts and personality. Like I told Greenfang's author: Damask is coming along for the story, the bar is not. Of course, now that you're in anyway, the description of setting and surroundings in beneficial, so I can't harp over that now. So now it's a case of, good scene setting and description of surroundings.

What we see of Damask tells us a fair amount of his personality: he's fast talking, entertaining, enthusiastic. I like how, within the confines of this dismil tavern, his dialogue almost lights the page (screen?) and affects the tempo of the setting marvelously. His character is portrayed through what he says and what he does, rather than us having to be told about it. But I'm a little torn about his motivations: granted, hinting at a letter at the end gives the application a feeling of suspense, but in doing so, you hold your cards a little too close to your chest. It comes in at the end almost as an afterthought, and I'm not certain what is driving Damask to keep doing what he's doing. Just let us, the readers, get a bit further into his mind, just so we can get a sense of what makes him tick.

Rath the Whirlwind: The People's Champion

Just like Eliza, the bait and switch of this piece only adds to it's effectiveness. It opens with a fight scene, and Rath dominating, and you think "Sue." And then those thoughts, just as Rath, stops, and the direction changes slowly but radically. Just like Revel, he balks, both during the fight, and when his boss takes a piece out of him. What we have here is a guy who has spent his life doing one thing, only to wake up one morning and realize he doesn't want to do it anymore. To  which the inevitable question arises: what can he possibly do now? I look forward to him trying to work things out.

And the layers! He doesn't want  to fight, but he still has a mean streak, hinted at towards the end. Can he overcome his own impulses? And he's a champ! He's good at fighting! What else can he do? These are all good questions, by the way, as it creates interest in the character. There's nothing the character can do but develop.

I look forward to you and Bellona fighting, by the way.

Keane: The Momma's Boy

"Made it, Ma! Top of the world!"

First and foremost, this is how you write angst, and make it good. Because Keane has actual problems, not just a "no one understands me, boody-hoody-hoo." It gives him depth, it gives him drive, and it gives him angles. He doesn't seem to enjoy his job, but he does it anyway; he loves his mom, and despises her at the same time; he does a lot of under the table deals, but isn't "evil." He's actually a well assembled character that doesn't have to rely on the gimmick of his being a drug dealer.

The only concern I have is that a lot of his motivation comes from a very central point: his mother, his business. Without them, I don't really know how he fares. I would suggest branching out as quickly as possible, and giving him a few other things to work with, just so that he can become integral to any plot that might come along, rather than just selling his drugs.

[Bellona Littlebrush]

Many thanks, Stonewall, sir. I hope I can enlighten you as to Bell's inner-workings in the weeks to come. Can tell you with certainty that some beliefs are going to be established in the first post.

[Venril]

Thank you very much for the review, Stonewall.  I'll try very hard not to disappoint!

[Rath the Whirlwind]

Thanks much, Stonewall.

[Eliza Lacrimosa]

*curtsy*

The review is very much appreciated, Master Stonewall. Hopefully Eliza will meet your expectations.  :)

[Stonewall]

Damask spread his wings wide, trying to put on the winningest smile in his arsenal,

Birds can't smile!

That's about as nit-picky as I get, so rest easy.

All righty, first post! Continuing directly from your application, we know see that Damask is indeed a spy. Thanks for clearing that up right away, as it makes me understand his motivations better. Not certain where his loyalties lay, but that adds for future intrigue. So good on that.

I like the build-up of suspense and action in the first half of the post. Damask's incarceration and inability to escape is well portrayed; your formerly frivolous descriptions from the app now come in handy, as you describe the claustrophobic nature of the room, and how there really is no getting out right now. Keeping the focus within Damask's head and only allowing us to see what he sees helps that sense of panic as well.

Something that stands out to me, however, is that while we stay, for the most part, within Damask's POV for this chapter, we don't get a whole lot of emotion from him. He narrates, and he gives a point of view, but he doesn't feel anything. His thoughts serve to further the plot, but not necessarily the character. This is more prominent in the latter half of the post.

Children! Damask almost tripped over his feet as his beak whirled around to face a small hedgehog who was busy trying to remove an arrow that was doing its best to blend in with her quills. They're using children in this war?

There's no signs of shock, disgust, approval, sadness, etc. Just a whirl of the head as it gets mentioned in passing.

And with that, he realized that the first camp's massacre -- as far as everybeast here was concerned -- was entirely his fault.

And does that make him angry? Upset? Guilty? Afraid?

You do a better job of establishing his feeling when he meets the Captain, and his knees tremble. Maybe just throw in some emotion establishers here and there, and I'll have a better idea as to what our robin feels like.

[Damask the Minstrel]

See, now, this is why I love reviewers. Thank you much!

[Stonewall]

Brave Tin Soldier

Oh, Bellona. Just like when I read your application, I had to go through this one a few times to catch on the subtleties. She seems distant, but it's within character for her to do so. She's with all these young whipper snappers, and she can't afford to get emotionally attached to them. She keeps acting as a sort of authority figure, without the rank. What I really like, however, is that she knows that things suck, and aren't going to go well, and that Sailpaw's an idiot, but not only is she not able to do anything about it, she has to suck it in and go along with every bad plan.

I'm going to start comparing Bellona to General Longstreet.

Still, there's a small danger with Bellona's character, in that so far, her emotions and thoughts are directly corelated to other characters, be it Sailpaw or Damask or other NPCs. She reacts to them, and she thinks about what they say, but she doesn't, say, command the scene. It's like her character can only exist when someone else is around to react to. And if she gets split up and is on her own for a while, I don't know enough about her own personality to know how she'd act.  I understand that Bellona, being the soldier she is, has control over her emotions. But she can't be fighting 24/7, and sooner or later she's going to have to sit down and establish some inner workings of her mind, and show the audience how she sees the world. And what her favorite color is.

[Bellona Littlebrush]

I rather hope my campaigns end more favorably in the long run than General Longstreet's, sir.:P In any case, as Damask said, thank you for the wonderful review. I will try to get inside Bell's head more with my next post. And...my favorite color is- *gets gagged by the Spoiler Police*

[Stonewall]

The Shaping of a Helpless Joy

So very torn...

You see, I really like the descriptions you use of nature. The imagery is fantastic, and your use of phrases like:

All around, the trees cracked and howled dirges of fiddle-song as branches scraped one another and tortured wood bent against the grain.

and

Digging away at the loam further, her claws began to encounter harder dirt and rocks. She scratched and tore at the earth ceaselessly, shifting it away from beneath the giant roots.

gives a distinct image of forests and woods that is pleasurable to read. But it's almost... too much, in some cases. That is, you explain more about the scenery than you do about Revel. Now, don't get me wrong, I love how you write scenery. But I'm always more interested in character than I am in the background, if you know what I mean. And in a strange paradox, Revel seems to be the background, and the forest is the dynamic force actually doing things. We get more description of the storm and the forest, in some cases, than we do of Revel. Of course, this is my personal opinion, and I know that some other people prefer descriptions, but whatever.

Now, with that said, the lack of delving into Revel's head somehow adds to the simpleness that attracted me to her in the first place. Her main concern is to get away from the storm, so she digs a hole. She's hungry, so she grabs some eggs. She's thristy, so she drinks from a puddle. All is done to add to her, shall I say, natural behaviours. And this is interspersed with some insight into her views, such as rueing the fact that she had only snacked on the vole before, how much trouble she was going to be in with Bruscus, and the such. I hope you plan to develop her in the future, of course, but for now, starting off the story, this is pleasent. I do hope to see edges and angles in the future, but for now, this works.

And I like the set up for her future interaction with Sue.

[Magical Fish]

So from now on I'm going to be the voice from the moat of Castle Stonewall. There's really no sense in having my own review thread when I generally agree with Stonewall anyway. If I happen to disagree, it'll be here. Also, the image of the two of us typing on separate laptops in the same room was a little too ridiculous.

Now, I just want to say that Revel's post has been my favorite so far. I just smiled the entire time while reading it. I actually felt that the extensive description added a great deal to Revel's character, in that since she's constantly on the look-out for a place to settle down it only makes sense that she would notice everything that goes on around her. Revel's cavorting had me thinking about how utterly adorable she was...and then came the rather abrupt and ominous ending. Suddenly I was forced to remember that Revel is a killer. That's such a great contrast, and I hope it lasts.

[Stonewall]

Desertion

Hurm... Well, at first glance, it seems that the problem of Deadtail's passiveness continues; but really, if you look closely, he takes part in the battle, gets promoted, and then deserts. So you can't make the accusation that nothing happens. And it furthers the idea that Deadtail is afraid of success, leaving just as his glory is at its highest. While this is a different angle for a character, there's something I'm concerned about: if he's afraid of success, then he has nothing to accomplish, and if he has nothing to accomplish, then he has nothing to do for the rest of the story. Of course, I'm only going off of one post here, so there's a pretty good chance I'm missing out on some of your plans. I certainly hope you give Deadtail some more motivations in the future, as I really want to see him match wits with Bellona later on.

As far as writing wise... hurm. Fundamentally, I have no problem, as events are narrated clearly, I know what's going on, and details are shown without being overly explicit. But theres a sort of detachment about it that turns Deadtail into a narrator rather than  contributer. That is, you tell of the events from an omnipotent POV and add Deadtail's thoughts in every now and again. There's nothing wrong with that, but in a contest where character depth and output is so necessary to there survival, I think it would be beneficial to keep the POV strictly to what Deadtail sees and thinks. That way, we, the audience, can intereact with him more and go along for the ride with him, rather than watching him do things from a distance. Make us all jump aboard the Deadtail Express and be subjected to his world and what he sees.