Ashy's Reviews...

[Eliza Lacrimosa]

Ooh, Mister Captain! I do so love a man in uniform...

I shall definitely take your advice to heart.  :P

Oh, and she totally would have used Debonair Dashing as a battering ram, but the cowardly custard ran away before she could get a proper hold. Shameful worm, that lad... 

[Captain Ashpaw]

Apparently I'm in "close reading" mode today.  So, warning.  Pickiness ahead.

Damask

Much better with the bits where Damask's thoughts break up the narration!  This one:

A free association began in the robin's mind: caught, noose, hanging, hog-tied, spit, open fire."

...is still a little strained, but I understand why you felt the need to include the 'free association' bit.  This may seem like I'm going back on what I just said, but I'm not sure you needed it.  Because here, unlike in the application, you've established a consistent interplay between Damask's thoughts and the narration.  

Hellgates! Damask cursed to himself, as he tried to feint to that side. He still absorbed the blow.

If you actually meant "feint" here, it's quite unclear how.  But I think you actually meant something akin to "dodge."  
---

Bellona

You and Damask ought to get the Captain's accent straight.  I'm not, like, demanding a style guide, but you two weren't even close to one another.

A typo or two, nothing fatal or too bizarre, though I do wonder about "leftenant".  I guess I'll find out.   :)

The dormouse quirked an eyebrow as she knelt and focused on untying the awning. ?I think you?ve helped us enough, sir Robin.? She saw him wince out of the corner of her eye. All right, he knew he had done something stupid, then. She could be kind. ?You can?t fight and you can?t carry much. You?re better for surveillance. Now move out of my way.?

This made me happy, possibly because I spent most of my summer writing Ashpaw, who thinks like this.  Really, the entire latter half of this post was giving off Ashpaw vibes to me.  

It had paid to keep the fire almost non-existent if only for the added value of throwing Nashald?s lackies off their tails.

You have a subtle POV problem here.  It's attached to a paragraph following the vermin dialogue, but then refers to them in a detached way--the sudden return to Bell's head is a little odd (so a separate paragraph might have done the trick).  As we are in her head, I'm not sure Bell is the sort of creature who thinks in commerce metaphors ("paid," "value").  

The dormouse could feel her ire simmering just below the surface as she addressed her incredibly stupid friend with cold formality. ?That wasn?t the best move, sir. Those scouts?ll be missed, sir. Wouldn?t it?ve made more sense to let them pass, sir? Because now we need to run, sir. And we?ll have to make it to the Broad Stream and on before they?ll let up, sir. That is the territory Nashald?s claiming now, sir. Should I-?

I haven't cp'ed your italics, but the repeated emphasis on "sir" reads to me like her address isn't cold at all, but controlled and very angry.  Either way, that entire first sentence is unnecessary, because we can tell it all from the dialogue and situation.  

---  

Revel

An important part of trying to write a heavily descriptive style is that the language needs to have a certain melody to it.  I like what you're trying for, and I think you should stick to it, but descriptive passages like the one at the beginning here are possibly the MOST important to read aloud.

After the scene break, the writing is much better, though I... well, I just agree with Ada Veen's thoughts on your style, so go and read hers again.  

:P

You captured the style you were going for enough that I enjoyed it, though it can be improved... and I definitely look forward to it doing so.  


EDITed: I'm actually literate, I swear...  :-\

[Damask the Minstrel]

*nods* I'll smooth out the internal dialogue soon enough, don't you worry.

As for the second, I was trying to convey the idea of a 'fake dodge' (much like a football player's 'juke' move) -- something to throw off the aim of the kick. But this nevertheless means I must be more precise with my writing.

Thanks!

[Bellona Littlebrush]

Sorry, Captain. Sailpaw's shifting accent is entirely my fault. I've been working on making it less...ridiculous from my app and it was only after Damask's post that I settled on what I wanted. It should be consistent from Brave Tin Soldier on.

Leftenant is the British pronunciation of 'lieutenant', so far as I am aware. If I have made an egregious mistake here, kind British colleagues of the board, please let me know.

I will work on the POV issues you pointed out. I do have a tendency toward not breaking up my paragraphs enough. I'll keep a better eye on it and thank you very much for reviewing, sir!

[Captain Ashpaw]

Deadtail

Your prose here is clean like an empty plate.

Things happened, and they were nicely depicted, and the prose never threw me off or really... bothered me at all.  It's nice.  To use a slightly more positive simile, it's like you've made a very nice, flaky pie crust*.  And you haven't put anything in it yet.

Deadtail's clever, and grizzled, but he's not... arresting.  And that's just you being true to the character, I understand.  But to make a gratuitous QBV reference--Keero was the first death.  I'd try for something a little more challenging with your writing style, if I were you, because Deadtail is never going to be super-compelling and sympathetic unless you make big changes.  So, your mission: Paint the pencil-sketched world from your app and post.    




*Mix 1 c. very cold cubed butter into 2.5 c. AP flour (and 1 tsp. salt) by hand until you get a consistency like rough corn meal, with small chunks of butter remaining.  Slowly mix in ice water (~4 tbls) until the dough barely holds together.  Divide in two--one part is the bottom crust, one part is the top.  The filling from dinner tonight was a thin layer of chocolate ganache, topped with chocolate-laced meringue.

[Captain Ashpaw]

Suellyn

Aaaand we have a winner.  

Beautifully characterized all around, though the interaction with the stoat seems a little odd, despite the grace with which you've managed to... I guess, excuse it.  

Uh, I do have one little comment at the end, because this is something I harp on.  Less is often better.  

Digging a grave was another thing Su had never done before, but she wanted to give her in-laws a proper burial. Seemed only fitting after all they'd done for her.

This goes a bit far into her head, and to state some things you'd already established in the post.  It'd have been a more dramatic line, perhaps, if you'd cut it off at the first comma.  Just a suggestion for a sort of thing you might consider keeping a lookout for, though 'tis largely a matter of taste.

Exceptional writing, definitely keep it up!   :)  

[Suellyn]

wow. Thank you so much. *sigh* I feel like I've been holding my breath for three days while I've been working on it. I will do my best to continue to meet your approval, Captain.

[Captain Ashpaw]

Keane

It's very easy to see the hand of Plot behind this one.  You need Keane to skip town, so here's a scene.  You need to address his relationship with his mother.  Scene.  And you need to meet up with another contestant.  Scene. 

This isn't necessarily a bad thing--at the beginning of the contest it's quite useful--but it's probably not what you want to be doing in the long term.  On the other hand, there's a lot to be gained by writing a stripped-down, competent style and advancing the plot a lot.  I would know.   :) 

The trick is to keep things character-driven, and even in such a plot-tastic post, you've still paid attention to fleshing out Keane a little bit more.  Good job.  The writing's pretty smooth, too!


Venril

Some criticism of the writing itself seems to be in line here; you're overdosing on modifiers a little bit.  Cut down on the adverbs and the constant "adjective noun" bits, and you'll be easier to read.  There's also this, which in defiance of all reason is only one sentence:

Conversation in the tavern stopped as a ferret hordebeast, the same one who had identified Venril as a clerk and expressed his own desire for a promotion back when Venril had first met his company, jumped up on a table and belted out a shout that carried well over even the songs and arguments of the drinkers.

Tone it down a notch; I had to read over that one three times to parse it properly. 

You've done a good job of taking my earlier advice, I should note, by not going all super-whimsical on us.  Additionally, I like the decision to add a little bit of color to Proklyan as an NPC... even if he ends up unimportant, it's worthwhile to see a bit more of how Venril ended up in his current position. 

So, new advice!  Change up how you're trying to describe.  Not everything has to be an "adjective noun," and not everyone needs to "verb adverbially".  Spending full sentences on description is just fine, if it fits. 

And a final note (emphasis mine):

Vermin of every species, as well as even a few woodlanders, lounged about drinking and carousing, singing bawdy songs and shouting across the room at each other  and the rather fetching, if slightly unkempt, female vermin who were serving drinks.   

Really?  *eyebrow raise*  I don't know what y'all are doing, but just wanted to highlight this, because it is some Canon Departure. 


Eliza

Oooh, pretty. 

Only one real issue with this post: I wouldn't, if I were you, have chosen that flashback.  While I get the importance of establishing Eliza's current emotional state, to me it just seems like you're swatting a fly with a sledgehammer.  Especially since she just kinda bounces back and regains a lot of self-control shortly afterward.

I'd save the terrifying flashbacks for a real breakdown, and focus even more on her "one foot in front of the other" ability to force herself to move onwards.  That sort of mentality is a familiar one, and you're writing it well. 

That said, very pretty, and definitely the most stylized of the contestants (except maaaaaybe Damask, at times).  Looking forward to more!

[Keane]

...you know, I kept trying to figure out why it bothered me so much that the post was laid out like it was, but I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong.  Thanks for pointing that out!  It's definitely something I shall be working on.

[Eliza Lacrimosa]

*curtsy*

Thank you very much, Captain, sir! I will definitely abstain from sledgehammery in the future.

[Venril]

I realize woodlanders in a vermin tavern would not be strictly constructable as canon, but then again there are a great many things found in many contests that are not strictly canon, including the idea of a tavern in the first place.   I figure that a tavern is not going to turn down business just on the basis of species, and any woodlander gutsy enough to go into a vermin tavern is probably either competent enough to handle their own safety or foolhardy enough not to care.

As for the excessive verbiage, I'll make a note of that.  I'm doing a little better about not posting really long posts than I've done in some past contests, but I'll agree that that is still a major area of concern for me.

[Dirgecallers]

On the subject of woodlanders....(from Eliza's post)

A dark-furred rat scuttled up to the ferret, grinning crookedly. ?That?s the last of ?em, Verand.?

?Good. How many did we get??

?I?d estimate a good half-score of hearty crewbeasts, plus the runty hedgehog.?

Wow...I somehow have a hard time believing that Vermin would actually trust a woodlander to be a fully functional crewbeast. *And not just a galley slave*

[Damask the Minstrel]

Well, look at the paragraph above what you quoted, Dirge:

"The ferret she?d dismissed earlier watched impassively as a pair of searats in green tunics staggered past, supporting between them a decidedly soused wildcat. The feline giggled insanely as the odd trio squeezed through the door."

So, what they said makes sense. We got a dozen crewbeasts (vermin) and the hedgehog. Not a dozen woodies and the hedgehog.

[Cairn Destop]

I'll have to agree with the reference to the hedgehog.  Considering the tension between vermin and woodlanders, the two talking should have put the hedgehog into the slave oar beast rather than the crew.  I'm also curious why any sensible press gang would take a pregnant female.  As a productive crew member or even as an oar slave, her value has got to be so low she's sucking sewer water.

Then again, how else do we get our cast of characters together?    ;D

[Sparrowhawk]

Wow...I somehow have a hard time believing that Vermin would actually trust a woodlander to be a fully functional crewbeast. *And not just a galley slave*

Well, that's what I kind of figured she'd end up being. I figure they might throw her in the kitchens, that is, along with perhaps Revel. There's not much else you can do with an expecting mother and a skinny hedgehog, which kinda makes you wonder why they'd bring them along in the first place but I guess we can excuse it by assuming they were all pretty drunk. this is all speculation, anyway, so I guess we'll see...