Ashy's Reviews...

[Sycamore]

I realize woodlanders in a vermin tavern would not be strictly constructable as canon, but then again there are a great many things found in many contests that are not strictly canon, including the idea of a tavern in the first place.   I figure that a tavern is not going to turn down business just on the basis of species, and any woodlander gutsy enough to go into a vermin tavern is probably either competent enough to handle their own safety or foolhardy enough not to care.

As for the excessive verbiage, I'll make a note of that.  I'm doing a little better about not posting really long posts than I've done in some past contests, but I'll agree that that is still a major area of concern for me.

I think this is the best explanation. This contest seems to me like a cross betwixt Redwall and VI, as in, it's a VI setting in the world of Redwall, or the world of VI in a Redwall setting. I don't know. We've got taverns and mansions on hills, and some sort of bourgeoisie class running around. Therefore, the role between goodbeasts and vermin has not yet been clarified, though we do know that they continue to war against each other, so big tensions still exist. The idea that there might be some woodlanders running amuck in a tavern is believable, especially with the idea that they are either brave or foolhardy enough.

As for Susie's role on the ship, if they're going to pick up an emaciated hedgehog, she wouldn't survive very long in the galleys, as she's almost on death's door already. Though, she does seem to have an abundance of energy for one that doesn't eat very much. As for a cook, I'm not sure about that either. It's pretty clear by her weight that she despises her own cooking, so I don't know why the vermin would take somebeast who obviously can't cook very well. Poor planning on the vermin's part, but then again, they are rather drunk.

[Damask the Minstrel]

On the other hand: a slave is a slave is a slave. The worst case is that they get a week's work out of her then toss her overboard.

[Sycamore]

Or would that be the best case?

Just kidding, Susie! I love you!

<3

[Eliza Lacrimosa]

Or, alternatively, hedgehog soup is always a pretty good alternative to traditional ship's stew, right?  :P

[Birch]

So long as you're not saving the quills for the galley!

[Captain Ashpaw]

Rath

And finally a post from our fighting ferret.

You seem to have a bit of an overfondness for stock phrases (not quite cliches, though some of them are) throughout this post.  It's particularly a shame because when you depart from them your style is very nice.  You've shown an ability to write with lots of sharp imagery without bogging anyone down (that, right there, is what I mean by a stock phrase) in piles of overwrought prose. 

I'm still quite a fan. 

---
Based on apps and the first round of posts, here's my first impression of a rough ranking of the contestants (in no particular order within groups):

Top three: Eliza, Suellyn, Rath
Middle three: Keane, Revel, Damask
Bottom three: Bellona, Deadtail, Venril

Obviously you are all still quite mobile, and I'm still far from picking definite favorites.
---

Damask

I don't think you've settled on a consistent internal voice for Damask yet.  At least, it seems that way to me. 

Good work on the Scottish (er, Northlands) accent for Sailpaw.  You're writing it well. 

"Sir! There are vermin moving up the beach toward us. I heartily suggest you join us down here!"

This doesn't read quite right for me.  Possibly the "heartily suggest" while in mortal peril is the problem. 

I actually laughed at your last line.  Good show, and once again somewhat improved!


Revel

Uh, momentary comment: Pregnant stoat + blackout drunk = bad combination.  Just something I thought about. 

Anyhow, I'm not sure exactly how much I like the... very feral sort of description you're using.  We're not so much in Revel's thoughts as in her senses and her instincts.  It's interesting, and I do "get" it, but I just haven't made up my mind about it yet. 

Nice post, though you really do need to get Revel interacting with other characters soon; she can't float around in a daze forever, yeah?

[Rath the Whirlwind]

Thanks much for the review.  I completely understand what you mean by "stock phrases" and I'll be looking out for them particularly for the next post.

[Sycamore]

I... don't, actually. Can I get some clear sort of definition complete with multiple examples?

[Damask the Minstrel]

Thankee! On Sailpaw's accent: I consulted heavily with Bells to make sure it was right and consistent, so don't give me all the credit.

And remember that Damask has two internal voices, now. Kind of like the devil/angel consciences of cartoons: instinct/self-serving and duty to others/self-sacrifice (with a bit of recklessness).

[Sycamore]

And remember that Damask has two internal voices, now. Kind of like the devil/angel consciences of cartoons: instinct/self-serving and duty to others/self-sacrifice (with a bit of recklessness).

Guhwha?

*rereads*

[Damask the Minstrel]

That... wasn't clear? That he had instinct v. 'the little voice'?

Well, that's a bugger. That was, perhaps, the single biggest thing I wanted to illustrate in the first week.

[Sycamore]

I most likely didn't catch it because I was half paying attention to other things. I would read a few lines, then get up for some reason, read a few more, make a salad, read while eating... I didn't give your post the attention it deserved, and I was planning on a revisit anyway.

It's not you! It's me.

[Revel]

Yeah.  ;) There's still some interaction scenes to come before the week's over.

We're not so much in Revel's thoughts as in her senses and her instincts.

I like reading reviews because they give me ideas for my character that I might not have had otherwise. Do let me know if you like this or not because now I wonder if maybe Revel's thoughts are her senses and instincts. Going by her dialogue so far it's not a far cry to say there's not much else going on in her head!  :P

Thank you for reviewing you adorable mustelid!

:mspacman: ~ Rev!

[Captain Ashpaw]

Collective Post Thingy

It was nice, but as I don't really know who I'm talking to when I think about it or attempt to review, I'm going to forego further comment.  It was good for the story, I think, but I'm not gonna be doling out a whole bunch of credit for the group post. 

Excellent development, although I have to admit it unsurprisingly reads like it was collectively written. 

Eliza

And you make me very happy.  Possibly I'm just in a good mood; school's on break and I've got a big mug of hot cocoa. 

I do think you're a little bit off on Revel's character; she's kinda talky here, and not in a way that seems entirely consistent with Rev's posts.  But I guess we'll see.  I'm definitely not that confident in my grasp of the character, yet. 

Eliza is wonderfully written, as before, and I enjoy that you didn't feel the need to have her angst about her scarring.  It would have been odd given all that's going on around her, I think. 

Also, I think I know who you are.  I suspected before and am now pretty sure.  :)

[Damask the Minstrel]

Woo! We wanted some nice, quiet character development. Also: dialog was each done by their own person, the descriptions were mostly done by each of us. Some editing overall, especially by Bells (yay her!).