Ashy's Reviews...

[Eliza Lacrimosa]

Many thanks for the review, Captain!

I'm glad that cocoa + break + Eliza is a happy combination.  :)

[Captain Ashpaw]

Keane

This flows beautifully, and you've fixed my issues with your first post.  Very graceful characterization, even if the writing isn't always the strongest in terms of description or word choice ("bawdy tavern dirges"?).  The thing is, though, it doesn't really matter to me.  You're very entertaining, more so than most of the others, and I definitely care what happens to Keane next. 

Suellyn

And this is a lesson in pacing, for all of you. 

While Sue here's going to take more than her share of the blame, due to her being the one to do it, you probably all deserve a bit of a scolding.  I can almost imagine someone behind the scenes going "well, crap, I guess we have to advance the plot to this point, we'll have Sue do it."  And so it was.  And it was awkward and bad.  I can offer any number of things you could have done (depict the shipwreck in great detail, then timeskip, for example). 

In general, I was not at all impressed with this one, either the rapid plot or the angst.  And I'm now confused.


Venril

I hope the "Dr. Strangelove" reference was intentional.   :D

Other than that, this is the same as Sue's: And now we're where?  In a fight with... whaaa? 

Yeah, no.

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OK, I'm taking a break.  I'll review the next couple in a minute, but I really hope either one of them or whoever's up next will put the pacing of the story back on the rails.  Otherwise I might be done.  It's that bad.

[Suellyn]

yup i feel the same way.

no offense to any of the other contestants ( i love you all) but the desert trek kind of felt like the short straw and I ended up with it and I was just trying to hurry and put out something so everybody else could get their posts up before the deadline. Now of course I can look back at it and see hundreds of things I'd like to change but that's just the way it goes.

[Damask the Minstrel]

Look, guys, working around the prologue is a hiccup, that's all. As you'll see in the last posts of this week, things have been moving along nicely. We didn't start off of the prologue, but plot is plot is plot. The prologue was the Masterplots, we gave the whole picture, or at least worked around it.

But things happened. Characters were introduced, interacted, and began to grow. Enjoy it, instead of focusing on chronology. Redwall wasn't chronological. Neither is Star Wars. Neither is Kill Bill or Pulp Fiction. Enjoy the writing -- your issue with pacing or jumping is valid, but it's a contained, one-time issue.

[Captain Ashpaw]

Damask:

Refer to the first post of this thread.  And don't compare yourselves to Quentin Tarantino; he knows how to handle complex chronology.

My favorite book is Catch-22, I do not object to well-done non-linear plot.

[Opal]

I think partly it was rushing to get everyone's posts up in time, and that may have led to a bit of a communication lag on how best to handle moving through the rest of the prologue, which is why it just kind of jumps awkwardly (I admit, I was also kind of confused by the jump between Suellyn and Venril's posts, but I thought maybe I was reading the rough drafts out of order or something so I didn't really stop to think about it XD).

But seriously, what's done is done. What's important is that they're all caught up now and next week will be 100% plot progression, so really, there's no worry of this happening again. No need to scarper or nothin'. :P

[Damask the Minstrel]

Look, I'm not saying you don't have a right to criticize, by all means you do. I just didn't want you leaving after one week. I don't want pandering -- or whatever you thought I was talking about -- I want to keep my audience. If that means better writing, so be it. I'll write better. But we can't get better until after we know the problem.

If we're making the same mistakes next week, then I'll worry. Kinks will always be had the first week.

(And Tarantino usually knows how to handle complex chronology. Reservior Dogs certainly showed a young writer with a good concept, trying to tackle something very complex.)

[Stonewall]

Damask:

Refer to the first post of this thread.  And don't compare yourselves to Quentin Tarantino; he knows how to handle complex chronology.

My favorite book is Catch-22, I do not object to well-done non-linear plot.

Sadly, he doesn't know how to make watchable movies.

Yeah, Quentin is right up there with Burton in my "Most Overated Directors" list.

On the subject of savage plot jumping; yeah, it was a little confusing, but it gets the story to where it needed to be in order to a) sync with the prologue, and b) get things set for next week. I got over it.

[Bellona Littlebrush]

My favorite book is Catch-22, I do not object to well-done non-linear plot.

Another Catch-22 fan, how nice. I had to read it twice before I understood who was doing what and when, but it was a good kind of confusing. And the characterization! Yossarian was great, but all of the secondary characters were just as vivid. I mean, even Lt. Mudd, who was dead for the entire story came to life for me. I'm still learning new things about the plot with each read because it's so complex and the different characters represent so many themes. Ahh... */fanmousing*

Right, thanks for reviewing, sir! I do hope you'll stick around. I'd like to think the story is a lot less jumpy from my post onward.

[Sycamore]

I got over it.

Way to be the only one.

Haha, nah I'm just kidding. You guys are all right.

[Jarrtail]

We'll make it somehow. First week's always a little rocky.  :P

[Captain Ashpaw]

Here's what I don't get:

Everyone was doing fine all week.  The plot was moving.  We were catching up to the prologue.  The story was well-paced and interesting.

And then people actively made things worse.

So we can say "oh well, they needed to catch up to the prologue, la la la," but that doesn't actually explain anything because they had been doing just fine.  I was really enjoying the story and found it very well-written until suddenly it wasn't.  If the story had been worse before this, I'd be complaining less.   :)
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Anyhow.  On to reviews of the next set of posts.

Bellona

"its tortuously slow descent toward the horizon"... I do not think that word means what you think it means.  Or maybe it's a typo for "torturously"?.

I didn't like the flashback at first, especially as it hit all of the cliche buttons (fond memory of a lost love, blargh)... but it served a good purpose in fixing the pacing of the post--you'd've needed to write the waterfall bit quite differently without the flashback there.  Maybe you should've anyway.  *shrug*

Anyway, the flashback and explicit scene breaks indicated a time jump, keeping the audience from being confused (are we listening, other writers?).  The clarity  was good, and you advanced the plot a great deal without wrecking anything, although for some reason the sudden battle comes off a bit funny to me.  I'll have to think about it. 

This post almost certainly prevents me from considering you for a vote this week.


Deadtail

Though I didn't much care for your first post, you've managed to bring me around.  This was excellent; actually getting into Deadtail's head in an interesting way that makes him more than a bland character archetype combined with planting the seeds for a greater plot.  Not a whole lot to comment on, actually.  Solid writing... all-around a very good post.  I'm starting to care about Deadtail--not in the sense of liking him, but I'm interested now.


Rath

The bit with Revel here was very creepy and awesome; I'm glad somebeast is falling for Keane's snare.  From a pure competitive standpoint, it's not the best decision, but it'll make for interesting storytelling.  Anyhow, you've taken on some challenging plot here--Rath getting high, a fight--and written some rather subtle prose (and listened to my advice, I note). 

Good job!

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I've decided on my vote, unless somebeast else messes up... hoping to see some more posts before the deadline, though!

[Bellona Littlebrush]

"its tortuously slow descent toward the horizon"... I do not think that word means what you think it means.  Or maybe it's a typo for "torturously"?.

Haven't you ever seen a sun twisting across the sky, Captain? You're right though, really. It's the one typo I caught after I posted and since I'm of the mind that we shouldn't be editing our posts once they're up unless it's something major, I had to leave it. I'll try to be more careful in the future. I am glad the post 'almost certainly' prevents  you from voting me off this week. I only hope future posts, if I have them, can improve that opinion to 'definitely'.