Wow.

[Vlaine]

Evening all (in my time zone),

It sure has been a great start to this competition; all the characters and writing I've seen thus far have been very impressive - two of them in particular.

Since I first read Deadtail's post yesterday I've been trying to work out exactly what makes it work so well for me - particularly in the light of a couple of reviews that have pointed out that, although the writing is excellent, the character himself is rather grey. By survivor standards, this is absolutely true, but I don't think that this should be automatically counted as a weakness.

Deadtail reminds me very, very strongly of one of the most compelling characters in the Redwall series, who appear in The Long Patrol. Probably somebody can still remember his name - I know I can't - but this character is an ordinary soldier in the Rapscallion army who is promoted in rather similar circumstances. I really like this portrayal of an everybeast, perhaps scared out of his mind by battle, just trying to do his job without being too conspicuous, and then finding himself thrust into unfamiliar territory. By making Deadtail any stronger or brighter or whatever, he'd simply be a boss-battle waiting to happen. Please, please stay grey.

Suellyn's post seems quite masterfully constructed to me, powerful because of the juxtapositions it brings forward in two dimensions. Possibly there's a little too much 'foreboding' going on before the reveal, but the way we have Suellyn talking to her father-in-law followed almost immediately by the discovery of his body is shocking. And then, of course, there is the way that she handles it. I wasn't struck so much by her treatment of Revel as by her emotional reaction to the deaths. Suellyn spends the first half of her post crying; but her reaction to the bodies is jst eerily calm - she only begins to cry again when she considers the imaginary circumstances of her new friend. It's as if rather than triggering her emotions, the deaths simply snap them. And it's incredible.

[Suellyn]

Is that what I was trying to do? Oh yes - yes of course that's what I was trying to do, yeah.  ;D

Thank you very much for your comments.

[Sycamore]

I disagree completely.

Details at nine!

[Vlaine]

sudden burst of grungy sights, cacophonous sounds and pungent smells. 

Oh how could you, Venril?

I see that we now have a nice tight posse of vermin, plus a matching and a mixed pair and one loner. I suppose it's inevitable that there'll be a certain sameness to some groupings, but it seems a little bit dangerous.

[Venril]

Err, how could I what?  Did I accidentally make some sort of allusion without realizing it?

[Damask the Minstrel]

See? They're with me! No Oxford comma!

[Vlaine]

No no no no... I just felt that those adjectives made that particular bit of text really bloated. "Cacophonous" and "pungent" in particular are pretty redundant given that this is a "sudden burst".

Also Barack Obama killed the triple construction. Seriously, even his press conferences are full of them. It grates so much. Are you President Obama?

[Venril]

Also Barack Obama killed the triple construction. Seriously, even his press conferences are full of them. It grates so much. Are you President Obama?

NO!  *sniff*  Even on the internet, I always come second to him!  Nobody ever sees anything and thinks "Hey, that could be Joe Biden doing that cool thing!"  NOBODY!  It's like I don't even exist!  During the campaign the media at least paid attention to me when I made mistakes, but now I think I could just disappear and they'd never notice me!  *Sobs*

[Vlaine]

Joe! I'm so, so sorry!

Now, Eliza's post! I'm really quite taken aback by exactly how well everyone here is writing! And I keep using exclamation marks! That just shows how excited I am! This post takes quite a different tack from the application, which painted Eliza in a thoroughly unsympathetic light. It's probably because she hasn't done anything actually evil yet, but I find it pretty difficult now to think too uncharitably of her; the moment where the reader realises exactly who has been (in her mind) chatting Eliza up, and hence why it was happening is pretty devastating. If this were just Eliza thinking "waaaaaahhh I'm ugly!" then it might be easier to dismiss her as an angsty prat; the confirmation of her fall utterly reverses the reader's perception. I also found the portrayal of Suellyn to be particularly convincing - reframing her relationship with Revel as parental wish fulfillment. Well done!

[Cairn Destop]

I also found the portrayal of Suellyn to be particularly convincing - reframing her relationship with Revel as parental wish fulfillment. Well done!

My opinion is the exact opposite on this point.  Suellyn is with Revel, and if she is in this tavern has associated long enough with Revel that she would recognize her even if she were drunk.  (Unlikely.)  So when Eliza referred to the thin hedgehog and her concern, it was a big blooming mistake.  That blunder gets points docked.

[Eliza Lacrimosa]

Suellyn is with Revel, and if she is in this tavern has associated long enough with Revel that she would recognize her even if she were drunk.

I'm not entirely sure of what you meant here, I'm guessing, "If she is in this tavern she has associated long enough with Revel that she would recognize her even if she (Suellyn) were drunk."

Suellyn's not drunk, she's actually just arrived in the tavern, as evidenced by the fact that Revel was there ahead of her, and has only just begun to order when Eliza sits down. (I'm sorry if that wasn't explained thoroughly enough.)

Hopefully that makes a bit more sense.

EDIT: Almost forgot the most important bit. *ahem*

Thank you very much for the review, Vlaine! Hopefully I can inspire more (good) exclamation points in the future! :p

[Revel]

My opinion is the exact opposite on this point.  Suellyn is with Revel, and if she is in this tavern has associated long enough with Revel that she would recognize her even if she were drunk.  (Unlikely.)  So when Eliza referred to the thin hedgehog and her concern, it was a big blooming mistake.  That blunder gets points docked.

Could you explain please how it is a mistake? Neither Revel or Suellyn were drunk at the time. We've had some interactions behind the scenes that have been glossed over due to the need to allow everyone to post once, so Sue and Revel's relationship may not at first make sense, but it is not a mistake. We have to show our progress through references in other character's posts. Don't be too hasty to use red text just yet.

Oh... Eliza posted while I was writing this. Oh well. Thank you for reading too, Cairn.

:mspacman: ~ Rev

[Cairn Destop]

Eliza?s glass of ruby liquid had scarce been set before her when an overzealous ferret jumped atop his table and bellowing something about paying for everybeast?s drinks.

As the inebriated mob vied greedily for the barkeep?s attention, an emaciated hogwife detached from the crowd and made a beeline for the stoat.

?Oh, thank the Fates I found you!? gasped the hedgehog. ?I?ve been lookin' all over... Are you drinkin'??

The stoatess peered at her full cup. ?Not yet.? 

?But, but,? stammered the hogwife, ?You... you shouldn?t be drinkin' in your condition...?

With a huff, the stoat snatched up her grog and disappeared into the crowd. The nagging hog followed her, whining fearfully. 

As this is written, the hedgehog (Suellyn) is addressing Eliza.  Therein lies the mistake. 

My comment about being drunk is that Suellyn should have been addressing Revel.  Again, as the story is written, there is a period of time passage since Revel's post, otherwise they would still be at the tree home of the hedgehogs.  Suellyn shouldn't mistaken Eliza for Revel.  Yet as this post reads, that is exactly what happened.

[Rath the Whirlwind]

Just because you do not understand does not qualify it as a mistake.

[Cairn Destop]

Just because you do not understand does not qualify it as a mistake.

I stand by my definition of this as a mistake by Eliza until a subsequent post clarifies this passage.  Of course, since the contestants have the ability to edit their posts, that confusion written by Eliza may now be clarified and any subsequent commenter will be claiming I edited the contestant's post when I made this remark.