Laws of Laurence

[Laurence Copeland]

Welcome to Laws of Laurence! ...The thread where I give my opinion on things!

Now that the Top 30 has been released, I'll be giving a brief compilation of my impressions on each of the apps. While these reviews will trend more on the positive side of things, I will also go into aspects of the app or character that I didn't like. Please keep in mind that at the end of the day, these reviews I'll be doing are purely my opinion, and mine alone. If there's something about your app that doesn't float my boat, that's okay! Maybe someone gets jazzed by it.

What I will be writing about for each app are:
-Small things I noticed or liked from the character's app. The little details that give your app (or character) that extra spice. Ya know, the little things!
-Try to glean on what sort of story direction the character might be headed in- should they make it into the contest.
-The beginning and the end. Does the beginning hook me in? Does the ending make me want to read more?
-Etc.

Something I will not be doing in this thread is saying what my favorite app was for each category. I will only present my view/take on each character, and what I liked or picked up from them.

Just a forewarning: this is my first time critically analyzing and reviewing someone's writing. Please be gentle.

THE GUARDIANS

Priideep

General Thoughts:
* The app almost reads like a resume of Priideep- she gives some tidbits of information to us about her past experiences and drops a couple wisdom bombs on us. It comes across organically, and never felt forced.
* I wonder how she would be able to communicate with the rest of the cast, if she can't speak the same language. That might be an interesting conflict for the character, but definitely something that would need to be addressed and remedied before too long in the contest proper if Priideep makes it in.

The Little Things:
* Priideep showcases how she is a good Guardian by handing down some of that 'Guardian wisdom' to the other froggy boi. Ducks are more dangerous to their sanctuary than snakes, Less talk, more watch, etc. I also enjoyed the nameless fox character intruding on the scene. He's a good contrast to the rest of the characters- speaking without brackets and vocalizing with his throat, like other disgusting mammalian beasts. And his appearance gives Priideep another chance to show her abilities, explaining to Sedgwik that foxes are not the kind of creature to be worrying over.
* Also, Priideep has a cool wrist slingshot-sorta weapon. That was really neat.

Beginning & Ending
Perched high up in an ash, blending easily into the green leaves, a pair of frogs spoke casually in their clicking, creaky tongue.

I wasn't hooked into the scene until after the sentence, when the first bracket came along. Not saying what came before wasn't interesting, it's just that the brackets stood out to me so clearly- you don't normally see that in an app.

["Not even one,"] she croaked softly.

We learn that not just some of the tadpoles died- all of them did. That's depressing. The ending leaves me thinking... what happens now? Where does Priideep go from here? What will happen to her tribe as a whole? They will definitely have to relocate.

Character Direction
The dour ending makes me think that perhaps Priideep will be interested in maybe redeeming herself in the eyes of the surviving tribe members, perhaps? She didn't notice the goop until it was too late, and it resulted in the death of all the young tadpoles.
Maybe Priideep ends up involved in the contest while searching far and wide for a place to relocate her tribe, and she bumps into Mekai.

Shahin

General Thoughts:
*The first line of dialogue was a bit confusing to me on the first read-through. I was thinking, 'what word is he talking about?' and only after reading a second time did I figure out he was referring to the word 'graverobber'. What helped me catch on was the italicization of the word in Etienne's response.
*I liked this line, it stood out to me: "There are laws now, Shah. If you break them hard enough... you die."

The Little Things:
*The intentional description repetitions in the app.
*Shahin hefting around his knowledge of the deceased he is pilfering from.

Beginning & Ending:
The crypt was made of travertine tunnels, floor and tombs and lintels all laden with dust. The long dried and crumbled flowers in every nook belied the dried and crumbled status of their occupants; time had long since removed anything that made a scent.

Wow, what a vivid and descriptive opening. I could picture the place in my head as I was reading it. Good job, Shahin's author!

And Shahin couldn't help but grin.

This ending gives me pause. This same exact line appears earlier in the scene, when Etienne asks him, 'why do it all then?'. Shahin says he'll change his colors and stop graverobbing. Earlier in the scene Etienne was saying how Shahin has been graverobbing continuously his entire life. Like an adrenaline junkie, he'll keep chasing that high. Not only that, but you could even make the argument that if Shahin is capable of graverobbing, maybe he's even capable of even more foul deeds. Like actually killing another creature for their loot. Lovely foreshadowing on the author's part.

Character Direction:
Shahin is a young creature being pulled in two different directions by two different loves. His love for Etienne, who reciprocates these feelings- and his love of collecting. Well, graverobbing, to be specific. At the end of the day, he'll have to choose between them. Interested to see

Sheercrest

General Thoughts:
*The scene structure was great. At first we think Sheer wants to eat the mouse, then it turns out she is looking out for him. Then we learn she ate his parents... Then they fly off together, Sheercrest swearing to make things right with Bray- no matter what.
*I enjoy the concept of a Guardian trying to make amends with their Guardee. It makes for an interesting and complicated relationship.
*Why does Sheercrest feel that she has to mend things with Bray? While I do admittedly like the dynamic between them, I don't understand why Sheercrest feels compelled to make amends with Bray specifically. Surely she's eaten plenty of other living creature's families before, right?
*The emotional punch of realization that Sheercrest was the one who ate his family really got me.

The Little Things:
*The descriptions and alliterations were overall very good for the app. Like 'devouring her, as his parents had been devoured' and 'His hatred of her would linger, like the stench of carrion on the wind'.
*I like the vine method Sheercrest uses to get Bray on her back. Cool stuff.

Beginning and Ending
Sheercrest tore across the lower sky, her silver wings grazing the snow-capped treetops. Although the merlin did not much care for winter, she appreciated the effect it had on the surrounding terrain; it made finding her quarry that much easier.

I liked the opening. Descriptive enough but not too descriptive to slow down the pacing.

And whatever the cost, she would pay it.

Yeah, she's definitely gonna die.

Character Direction:
I can totally see Sheercrest sacrificing herself to save Bray's life. I can also see the two of them becoming the closest of friends, after a series of trials and tribulations. In no particular order.

[Laurence Copeland]

THE SCHEMERS

Elsabeth Van Riften

General Thoughts:
*The character reminds me a little bit of Kima. Both of them are fixated on coinage, perhaps a bit too much.
*Her failed attempt to bribe her superior officer got a chuckle out of me. It was a bold move.
*The app's descriptions are short and simple, but detailed when it needs to be.
*A vision of her mother's face passed through her mind and she winced as though struck, or reliving the memory of having been. This line makes me ponder whether or not Elsabeth was beaten as a youngster. Yikes.

The Little Things:
*Elsabeth being self-aware and knowing her limits. Her strengths as a 'schemer' shine through in this moment, since most mercenary types would have just bum-rushed the Major.
*To follow up on the last point, Elsabeth shows she can think on her feet when she admits her crimes and tries persuading the rat into biting.

Beginning & Ending:

Elsabeth's quill darted across the page, the wildcat chewing on its end as she carefully constructed an elaborate fantasy of numbers:

Her quill is darting across the page while she's simultaneously chewing on the end? I have this funny visual stuck in my head of the character gripping the quill with her teeth and writing like that! She's quite the talented scribe!

In all seriousness, the opening line is fine. It introduces the character and their forging skills.

And, she grimly reflected, if she failed it might as well not be.

Character Direction:
Elsabeth is a character driven by prestige and money. She wants to restore her family honor and get really stinkin' rich. If she made it into the contest, I could see some conflict brewing between her and the rest of the cast- like leaving the rest of them behind when a battle goes sideways.

Lucan

General Thoughts:
*I love the idea of a principled trickster! Instead of simply killing his enemies, he spooks them into submission. Very cool indeed.
*The way Lucan talks to himself when he's alone makes me think he's a bit lonely or misunderstood. I'd wager he's the kind of kid who pretends the characters in the book he's reading are his friends. Who knows, maybe I'm way off-base with that claim

The Little Things:
*The details provided of Lucan's contraption to scare away the vermin. Gives us an idea on how clever he is.'
*Lucan talking out loud to himself. Adorable.

Beginning & Ending:

"Doom and death to all vermin!" The voice boomed, shattering the sleep of the three rats.

I like the choice of using dialogue to open the scene. When done right, it can lure in the audience and make them immediately interested. But what really seals the deal is reading the description of the three rats jolting awake at the noise. Made me curious to know what they were going to say or do in response.

With that little speech to the trees, he hoisted the haversack over his shoulder, adjusted the straps so it hung comfortably, then strolled off into the woods to find a safe place to spend the rest of the night.

Honestly I wasn't big on this line as the app's ending. The preceding line of dialogue- Lucan's declaration to the trees that he'll end up just as famous as Martin and co. one day would've been a cooler closer.

Character Direction:
He's infatuated with legends Martin, Matthias and Mattimeo, and desires to one day be included in that shortlist of fabled heroes. I could see Lucan listening to Mekai's pleas to help save her village and signing up in an instant -it's what Martin would do, right? Help those in need?- not fully realizing the weight or consequences of his decision.

Merrill

General Thoughts:
*The short scene at the beginning was unnecessary. If you had cut it, and started with Killian's expedition on the cliffside, the app would have flowed much better. Everything that was established in the first scene could have been as easily established in the second scene.
*The idea of the powders is cool, but how powerful are they? Apparently they can conjure up hallucinations or visions. What are the rules or limitations?
*I wonder what's keeping Merrill from leaving the cliffside town/area. Nobody seems to appreciate her being there. She'll definitely have to leave, if she made it into the contest.

The Little Things:
*Killian not biting the bait laid out by Merrill.
*The use of italics to present the ominous, all-powerful voice.

Beginning & Ending:

"Miner Merrill?" The squirrel clerk dropped his crate of apples. "Don't torch my store!"

Arson, you say? Consider me hooked.

"Then have your way." Merrill clutched the memento with one paw, smiled, and pulled Killian to safety with the other. "I know what's mine."

The lines preceding this ending confused me. She spares the otter because she recalls... a friend of hers?

Character Direction:
Merrill is in search of redemption in the eyes of the mining townsfolk. She wants to prove that her kind did not intend to burn down the town. She seems to be yearning for some kind of recognition or acceptance by the local community, and will do anything to foster that.