Treedog Night

[Sycamore]

You have no idea how excited I've been to use that title.

Hello! I'm Sycamore! Most of you already know who I am, and for those of you that don't, will! I'm getting a late start on the contest reviews but I'd still like to throw my hat into the ring.  A little bit about my review style...

I'm mostly subjective. I don't think I'm skilled or smart enough to really delve deep into the greater nuances of a post, so I apologize if I really miss the mark sometimes.  But, if I ever do, I absolutely encourage conversation and differing viewpoints. Conversations are where we really get into the grit of a character and some of the conversations I've had in previous contests were an absolute delight.  You'll find that I am easy to sway, so if it looks like I don't like something that you think I should, you should absolutely tell me why.

I've seen some disclaimers of "if you don't want me to review your post then I won't" but I don't really like that, because how else do we grow as writers? I do understand the nature of these things and emotions can run high, especially when it looks like a post or scene just didn't deliver like you hoped it would. Heck, I've erupted a few times myself reading along with these things. Don't ask me what happened when Ashira kicked the bucket in RV5. I still see red to this day.

Anyway, because I'm mostly speaking about my feelings on a post more than anything else, these reviews can vary a lot in length. For the Top Thirty, however, I'll try to spend a little bit more time on what I like about a character, the prose, etc. Time permitting, of course.

That being said, I've seen some folk start from the top and others start from the bottom. I'm gonna do something a wee bit different and spiral out from the center. So that means the Hunter goes first.

[Sycamore]

Aiight let's get this party started.

HUNTERS

There once was an adder named Ashtad,
Received meals of the local scallywags.
"You lazy old bum!
I shall bite my thumb!"
#NotAllAdders he started to hashtag.

[spoiler]Ashtad! Super stoked to see an adder! We've oft seen lizards in these things before but never I think have we seen an adder. I'm actually really excited to see this because most unique species people tend to try and write either aren't native to England or were ever features in the books. Adder is, of course, different, because who doesn't love Asmodeous? It downright makes me giddy.

Anyway, a couple things that caught me on first read through:

"hibernacula"
^Don't you ever make me google a word.

Ashtag is the rancor, and the dormouse is Luke.

Ashtag is really nice! I would like to see him enter the contest and be all "Well, that month is over, time to eat one of you folk." T'would be a good death if you ask me.

He's even nice about not wanting to eat the dormouse. All "Nothing personal," as if he's really saying, "Dude, I'd totally eat you if I could, I'm just, you know, not in the mood."

"Martin's ghost!" Teehee!

"A nest of cotton-stuffed silk took up half of the space while a lantern hung from a peg nearby"
^Question: How does snek light lantern? I bet it's extremely difficult. Is the lantern lit? It's not specified, but the previous line does mention "dim lighting" so it might be safe to assume it is not lit. But then I see "highlighting several shelves carved neatly into the sides of the burrow." So it must be. Gotta say Ashtad has some crazy skill to light something without hands.

"Think of it more as... providing a service." Ashtad hissed. "Your village seeks justice. I seek a meal. Quid. Pro. Quo."
^I like this. It reads like "Let me explain myself in a calm manner. HISSSSS!!! Now then, allow me to continue."

This might be my favorite part: He swallowed, licking his dry lips. "So you're lazy." Like, dude what? What are you doing??!

Honestly, I'm really digging this second half of the app. The dormouse's courage in the face of sure death is admirable, and I really like how Ashtad tries to keep control in the situation. Leering over the dormouse, tasting the air to confirm that yes the dormouse is afraid so Ashtad still has some control at least. But when the dormouse doesn't behave as expected and continues to run off his mouth, Ashtad knocks him to the ground. It's a total power move. "I'm big and you're small. You should be afraid of me. Don't break my precious world view."

And then in the end, Ashtad is all "Okay, sure. I'll play your game."

Ashtad sounds like a neat character, one who likes to have control, considers himself an intellectual, but isn't so closeminded that he has the capacity to consider other opinions and differing viewpoints. But, in the end, Ashtad is still the judge and jury. "Prove it," he says. "You want justice? I'll be the judge of that."[/spoiler]

There once was an eagle named Kew-Kew
Who was totes an eagle, I assure you
So this mouse comes along
Who's all "Something is wrong..."
Pretty sure Kew-Kew's head had a boo-boo.

[spoiler]Kew-Kew is super fun, I'm not going to lie. Honestly, I had kinda skimmed this over at first glance because there was buzz in the discord about him and I really did think he was an eagle. Imagine my surprise! Huehuehue. Nah, but seriously, this guy is super fun. His speech patterns, his mannerisms. They're all ... vaguely familiar. As if I recognize this writing from years past...

Hmm...

Anyway, this was definitely a ride. Like Ashtad, I'll go over some things that caught my interest.

"countenance"
^Don't you ever make me google a word.

The creature snorted and crouched down on all fours. "I is only sniffing."
^God he's so CUTE.

Hihihihi!
^

"Mouse is in eagle-territory."
^

Margaret cleared her throat hopefully.
^Did she hopefully clear her throat or did she clear her throat with hope?

"It is also easy preything."

"Aaaaaaaah!"
^I just want to say how much I love this.

"S-so I'm the bait!?"
^

"And if I is not eagle... what is I?" He waited all of three seconds, his eyes wide in wonder, as if seeking the answer
^Cue existential crisis.

Okay, I gotta say, I love Kew-Kew. He is absolutely the cutest thing to me right now. He's got that dibbun-like quality about him, the usual off-kilter vermin madness that Jacques loves so much, and he's just ... fun. He may not have as many subtleties as Ashtad or Old One have, at least none presented in the app, but we do learn a little about him. His mum was killed by an eagle and obviously something tragic happened that twisted his mind into thinking now he's an eagle. And that could be really fun to see play out over the course of the adventure, when Kew-Kew has these short moments of clarity that start to piece together this really complex creature.

The idea of learning who Kew-Kew is at the same time he does is really cute to me, and I've no doubt the writer would give us the journey of a lifetime.[/spoiler]

There once was an old one named Old One,
Who arrived from the north as a Cold One.
He sings a small song
For the ones who are not long.
His story? Not something he's told one.

[spoiler]He's deaf! I figured it out!

There is some really good prose going on here, dang. Some beautiful turns of phrases, like "the icy winds had merely gnawed at his body like a teething pup". This whole passage here:

Blood flowed freely from the Fallen One's throat now. As it hacked and spat it reached out and grabbed at Old One's legs, eyes wide and pleading. Its mouth moved desperately, shaping a silent stream of unheard words. Old One stared intently at its mouth, but could not reshape the words it tried to form. After a moment, he decided that this task was futile. Instead, he crouched by its side, ignoring the dull throb in his legs, and minded the life as it slowly faded from the Fallen One's eyes.
^Oh god, goosebumps. This is not how I imagined a peaceful way to die.

not even the Great Horned Ones, with their towering legs and endless gait.
^Frickin' MOOSES

The hum echoed through his chest and flowed through his bones, washing away the familiar ache.
^Ugh, that is so visceral. I love it perfectly.

He did not know if the song worked for these new creatures as it did for the old, if their life would catch the tune and spread through the vast and endless skies.
^I love how he has a sort of religion that only works on his mooses. Like, why wouldn't it work on any other creature? But then, why would it? It seems clear that mooses were the lone food that Old One fed on, so there's that special relationship Old One associates with mooses and mooses alone. That being said, I did find it a little strange he didn't know what a rat was. Pretty sure rodents are pretty far up north but I don't actually know, and it works because this is a stranger in a strange land.

The style of writing here is absolutely beautiful. Without sound or noise the writer has one less sense to show things, and they do so in the most magnificent way. The rat's death is absolutely haunting. That line: "Its mouth moved desperately, shaping a silent stream of unheard words." Like, what was he trying to say? He could be saying absolutely anything. It makes me so uncomfortable not knowing and Old One is just like "Meh."

Yet despite being unable to relate to Old One's attitude and personality—he's a hunter, first and formost. He kills because he has to. He can't afford to have (show?) emotions towards the creatures he kills—he is still compassionate. He hums a song for the rat, the same song he sang for the mooses. Someone quoted this before but I'll quote it again: He liked to imagine his song carrying life to the very end of the world.

It's very sweet for a creature as cold as Old One to express compassion for something he does not understand.

This was beautifully written, and it really held me in my seat. Everything about this is wonderful to read, it's just ... gah it's so pretty. Beautiful work, Old One.[/spoiler]

[Vizon]

Syc, you are a great example of how to review in a way that builds up. Do we need sharp, negative critique at a time like this? Well, I suppose that's one way to decide who you think deserves to continue, but this is just so much funner! I love so many of these apps also, and I think it is much better to say what we appreciate and enjoy and try to figure out which we love the most to decide who to send on to the top ten. Who is our favorite of the favorites rather than the least awful. Certainly it breeds a spirit of camaraderie and encouragement. I tend towards criticism myself, so I just wanted to say thank you for being the kind of person who makes people walk away with a smile. :)

[Sycamore]

Aww, thanks, Poko! That's super sweet of you to say! I'm having a blast writing these, and yeah, I'm not interested in scaling or anything like that. I'm just excited to see all this talent and I want to express that the best way I can: By being overly enthusiastic about everything, haha.

Moving onwards!

Guardians

I'm really sorry guys. But time is getting shorter and shorter so I'm going ax the limericks for now. I'm just aiming to get through these apps. Here's hoping I make it.

Priideep

[spoiler]Priideep! I really like this name. I find it super interesting you chose to write the frog conversation as a different language. I wonder how that might tie into the story, if you want us to assume that she can't speak common tongue or just introduce a language for her to speak for ... reasons.

Regardless, it's kinda cool and I like the idea that there might be some communication issues that crop up.

On the app:

Priideep cocked the spring-loaded wrist-shot on her forearm as a dragonfly buzzed in, hovering close to the water's surface. Her other assistant, Briijeet leaped from the foliage below, gulping down the threat with a sloppy crunch of wings.
^I like this a lot. Priideep's all "Watch out, little buddy. Don't get too close or I'll shoot you down" while Briijeet is all "I'MA EATCHU UP!!"

Also, sorry, but big missed opportunity not to name Sedgwik into the Xriixeex naming convention you set up with Priideep and Briijeet. Could have been, like, Sriigeek, which I freaking love. Correct this if you get in; this I decree.

tympanic
^Don't you ever make me google a word.

She put a hand into the water and noticed for the first time the strange sheen rippling across its surface. She looked then to the mouth of the small stream that fed the nursery and was horrified to see a dark stain spreading slowly outward, filling the small sanctuary with deadly tendrils of smothering silt.
^#### Exxon spilling oil again!!

Also: She looked down at the useless weapons in her hands.
^This is a really powerful line. The whole beginning portion of the app is all like "Yo, Priideep, what's the FIERCEST CREATURE YOU'VE EVER FACED??" and she's all "Oh yeah, totes a snake, boys. Or maybe it was the ducks. Could have been the water spiders, or maybe it was the school of fish that wandered in one day. That plague of insects we had that one season, or the stupid otters that were looking for a private pool to play in." All these physical threats where it's established that Priideep relies on her weapons before anything else. Even with the dragonfly she automatically goes to her wrist-shot before Briijeet just yeets the dragonfly into his belly. Weapons are very important to her, and now she has to face a threat where they are useless. And by extension, she is useless.

I also just love this ... call and answer from the beginning to end. "Keeper Priideep, what is the fiercest beast you have had to face as a protector?" Oh, girl, you ain't faced nothing yet.

Priideep spoke to it with soothing trills and encouraging chirps,
^This is cute I like this.

["Not even one,"] she croaked softly.
^Wait, what? Isn't there, like, a thousand more you can check on? Why stop at one? Priideep: "It's over boys! We lost one. The rest are already dead."

All in all this was very sad. I love how you kind of knock Priideep down a peg by introducing a threat she can't fight. The first part of the app was all boosting her up, how she's this great guardian and nothing can stop her. Even if she remains humble about it, the feeling is definitely there. But then you're all like, "Nah, let me serve you a real slice of humble pie. There. All your tads are dead."

It's a great way to explain herself into the story. Aside from Sedgwik, Briijeet and probably all the others in her tribe, it sounds like a perfect opportunity for Priideep to rediscover herself, going on one of those journeys folk often do. She'll be super fun as the nurturing mother of the group, and I'm excited to see her be all maternal about things.[/spoiler]

Shahin

[spoiler]Shahin! He's a hare! Jolly good, wot wot?

travertine
^Don't you ever make me google a word.

The long dried and crumbled flowers in every nook belied the dried and crumbled status of their occupants;
^Super like this line, omg.

"Such a dirty word." Shahin scrunched up his nose. "This is just... archival work."

"Shut it, graverobber."
^Hrghh, I think it might have been better reversed? Like Eti calls him a graverobber first and then he says "such a dirty word". It kind of sets up the scene a wee bit better because we establish what he's really doing before he's all "no, no, you misunderstand." Or I dunno, maybe graverobber isn't the word and she said something even worse.

"Potato, topaypo.
^lol, wut?

I'll tell you what I really love; this line right here:

"Potato, topaypo.

No, wait, not that one.

"Because it remembers!" he said. "August Clade is long dead but his buckler remembers what it is, to defend a life at any cost."
^This is so guardian!! Ahh!!! I love it. It makes me really sad that he ends up dropping it and doesn't get to bring it along on his adventure. I realize at the end of the app his guardianness is more focused on Eti rather than, like, a general will to protect others or protect the past or something like that. Or maybe that's just the way things turned out in the end and you still have that kind of focus for him. Regardless, I loved this line so much. It's a really nice sentiment and I hope you keep this kind of direction for him. Write your character the way I want him! Do it for me!!

Shahin dragged her round three distinct turns that should have sent them right back into Amira's path but somehow didn't.
^Great way to show that Shahin knows his way around town. He's obviously been down here before, but for what and why remains a mystery. Also, brings a little heavier weight to this line here: "It doesn't, Shah. This was cute when we were young! But now here you are, robbing a grave - you've stolen from the dead! Please, just stop!"

I wonder if Shahin and Eti used to explore these catacombs in the past, telling tales and putting emphasis on the things they could find down here, what they meant to them, and how the magic behind them could change their fate. I know that's what I like to do with my significant other, wander musky graves together in the dead of night.

I wonder if you're going to be taking Eti on you with this adventure or if Shahin is taking Mekai's job because he said he'd get one too. Would work for a REALLY SAD DEATH if he can't return to her. Ruins her life, and then croaks. I guess that's one incentive to keep you alive. -winks-[/spoiler]

Sheercrest

[spoiler]Sheercrest! Krakaw! It's a merlin! I heckin' love merlins. Reminds me of Skarlath, my favorite birb in the whole series. And he was a kestrel! That's basically like the same thing!

Although the merlin did not much care for winter, she appreciated the effect it had on the surrounding terrain
^I also think it really pretty!!!

it made finding her quarry that much easier.
^Oh. That too, I guess.

Sheercrest moved closer, placing herself between Bray and the wind.
^I like this. This is cute.

When next she spoke, it was almost a whisper, "It's dangerous out here. You could have been killed."
^"It's dangerous to go alone. Take this." Sheercrest gave him a vine.

Also I really like the whisper there. It gives this feeling of like, secrecy, like they're supposed to be hiding from something, or maybe it's because Sheercrest isn't quite sure of herself and afraid of how Bray would react to her words, which, as we learn, isn't positive. I want to know, like a little bit more though. Like, why is she whispering here? If there's a threat, have her do a quick glance around. If she's more worried about his reaction, make her voice tentative, struggle a bit. I just need a little bit more information here to really tell me what's going on. I mean, I guess in the end she's not worried about being hunted because she would rather walk behind him than fly him to safety, but at this stage in the post, just a small extra action might have been nice.

Sheercrest hadn't been able to explain what had happened, and the guilt had only grown since then; devouring her, as his parents had been devoured.
^Ooh! A mystery!

"There's a small town nearby. If you can curtail your foolishness, we should be there by nightfall. Unless you'd rather freeze."
^Really like the change in attitude here! I know you eluded to it with the whole "There was no more time for gentleness" but, like, it's super neat seeing it in action. When Sheercrest don't want to take no crap, Sheercrest don't take no crap.

He couldn't understand what she was trying to do...
^Neither do we, actually, haha.

I'm not quite sure the reason behind the tethering? I mean, I initially thought Sheercrest was gonna fly with him attached to her, but instead she's just walking behind? It's almost like ... well, I think it's more metaphorical here. Sheercrest has ties to Bray, and when Bray severs that tie ("This time, don't bite through it") Sheercrest is there to tie them back together. So the action of tethering them together may not make much sense (after all, Sheercrest is quicker than Bray and if he ends up running again she can just catch up to him) but you're definitely going for a metaphorical interpretation here.

There's a lot of mystery behind this character. I'm super intrigued to see what happened between her and Bray, and why she feels so compelled to keep him safe. Obviously she didn't kill his family but she knows what did, and apparently it's so horrific that she can't even bring herself to tell him the truth.

There's a lot of subtleties going on in this app that are really neat to seek out and discover. I wish I had the time to really go deep and puzzle out what you're trying to accomplish but my time is short and I must move on.

I like Sheercrest a lot. She's very sweet, but knows when to lay down the law when she has to. And you know what you're doing, teasing out a mystery and playing some cards but not showing us your hand. It's cool.

I hope, in the end, though, Bray gets eaten.[/spoiler]

[Vizon]

I hope, in the end, though, Bray gets eaten.

LOL Sycamore!  XD

[Sycamore]

What's a pirate's favourite letter?

"R!"

YE'D THINK IT BE R, BUT IT BE THE C!!!

Seafarers

Bise

[spoiler]Bise! She's a rook! Stonewall had a rook, if I recall correctly. I forgot his name, though.

Anyway ...

patinated
^Don't you ever make me google a word.

"Welcome back, Blackbird!"
Blackbird singing the dead of niiiight.
Take these broken wings and learn to fly.
All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arrive.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Man4Xw8Xypo

I don't know why, but Splitshank is like, the greatest name to me.

"Aye, winning you off yer old boss earned me my cuhmishin'"
^lol, cuhmishin, thats cute.

"Bird. Back from the southern straight already?
^You know, it's actually kinda nice for vermin and folk to be calling creatures by their species for once instead of some racial slur, like riverdog or hedgepig or ... treemouse? I'm sure there was one for squirrel. Instead, it's just a straight flat "bird" before anything else. Also like that they refuse to call her by her name.

And a new fishing village has sprung up just off... this peninsula."
^I loooove the pause. It puts action without explicitly writing a line to indicate action. Also saves in word count so that was mighty smaht of you. How 'bout dem apples?

his narrowed eyes focused on the maps that scattered his cabin like so many leaves from a summer squall.
^Ugh, what a great turn of phrase. I love it perfectly.

Still, here she could enjoy the sun's rays before any other beast. She could catch a glimpse of -- and land on -- shore before anyone else. She could watch the morning fog burn away with the last of the twilight's stars.
^Oh my god I looove this. This is so cute. The rule of three is so effective here. It really brings out her character, showing us how she deals with her slavery, how she gets through the day, the things she looks towards for that little bit of enjoyment that can be so elusive.

This app ended so strong. I love Bise, she's adorable. She's the kind of character that just wants to get through the day, who just wants to keep to herself and find enjoyment in the little things that she can. And that last line, baawww. I'm so sad for her. I just want to like, set her freeee.

Bise would be super fun in the group, the kind of character that is just done with everything, keeps her head down and stays out of sight, but still has that sassy streak to her: "That Floris sold me for. She and I are gonna have a long talk when I get out of --". She's just so done with you all. Now leave her alone.[/spoiler]

Dawl

[spoiler]It's Dawl! He's an OTTER!!! I love otters. I did not write him.

The sight of it, and of the thin haze of smoke rising from the chimney, eased a worry that had nagged him since dawn.
^Was ... was someone going to steal it? Also I don't think a thin haze of smoke rising from the chimney is a good sign?? It's the equivalent of leaving your oven on in medieval times. But no, I kid. I know he's expecting his kid sister up there. I just thought it funny to think Dawl would be all "Oh thank goodness, the fireplace is still on."

She might technically be fourteen now, but she looked no more than twelve.
^Tilly:

She watched him with her usual blend of skepticism and annoyance.
^lol she is a teenager

Dawl gritted his teeth and pointedly pulled the ladder up behind him, dumping it in a heap at the gunwale.
^I love that he "dumps it in a heap." Says a lot about his mindset.

headfur
^That's actually not something you see very often in this community. I'm guessing Dawl's author might be a relative newcomer, and not me.

But killing... Dawl had never. He wasn't sure he could.
^Aww, what a nice guy.

"Until we find Mum and Dad, who yeh are doesn't matter."
^There's a lot of significance behind this line, I'm sure. I just don't quite know what it is. Why wouldn't it matter who she is? Isn't that, like, really important to people? Or maybe Dawl just doesn't care, and Tilly's gonna be Tilly cause he wants her to be Tilly. He obviously misses who his sister used to be before their parents disappeared, otherwise he wouldn't be going to such lengths to keep a reign on her and reel her in.

Which tells me Dawl is very much the controlling type. Sure, he'll take jobs he doesn't want or worry about what his sister thinks of him, but it's for her own good, so she better start appreciating things. You want hotroot? Then stay in line and don't make me pay the harbourmaster to keep an eye on you when I'm away. Your name is Tilly because I'm telling you your name is Tilly.

I really like this subtle control issue going on here. It's actually unhealthy, and I imagine the start of the story is Tilly goes missing and Dawl's out to find her. Cue ragtag band of misfits led by Mekai and we have the perfect induction into the party.

Not that I've planned this out, mind.

Because Dawl isn't me.

>.> ... <.< ... >.>[/spoiler]

Novak

[spoiler]Novak! A pine marten! Probably related to Zevka, I'm sure. I'm convinced all pine martens are related to Zevka.

sealion
^God it's been so long since I saw sealion I legitimately pronounced it in my head as "SEAL-ee-on". In my defense, it is supposed to be sea lion with a space.

The fat of ferals
^Daaang I like that lots.

"Are we wooing the lions?"

Yes. Yes we are. Actually, I really liked the previous line, too. "Pardon, cap'n, but it stinks of poets!"

The nameless ship - now my ship, Novak remembered - sped along the coast, and most of the sealion colony swam after for an easy meal.
^

Pictures of fish etched upon the sand Novak's once-closed eyes missed. A pile of glittering seastones stacked as a game beside the pup.
^This is really nice!!! I love the realization hitting him all at once and the way you do it is just so cute. That's a show rather than tell.

Here's something I think is nice: "Ask questions and you're in for grim work."

"The grim truth came as questions flooded the marten's heart and mind."

"Novak stormed past in search of answers."

You do extremely well at character growth here. From Novak's unquestioning nature to suddenly, yeah I'm going to question everything is super cool to see in the span of 600 words. And it gives a lot of motivation for us to follow along with the character too. Does Novak get his answers? Now that he's beginning to question everything how is that affecting him?

You leave us in this space of "what happens to him?" and now we're the ones who have questions. I want to know more about this nameless ship and why it's nameless. I want to know if he's abandoned the profession and become full on SJW hashtag #SealLivesMatter. Like, what happens to him? How does his worldview change? Does he have a greater respect for life now? How might this affect his relationship with his cast mates if the subject of prejudice and persecution come on board?

Novak makes for a great political candidate of the group, leading the Redwall Social Revolution we've all so desperately needed.[/spoiler]

[Sycamore]

Schemers!

Elsabeth

[spoiler]Elsabeth! You better be a fan of Frozen cause we're all gonna be calling you Elsa. Or Beth. Short for Macbeth.

Elsabeth's quill darted across the page, the wildcat chewing on its end as she carefully constructed an elaborate fantasy of numbers:
^I love how she's writing with a quill and that she's chewing on the end, because that's the FEATHER PART AND SHE IS A CAT. :3c :3c :3c

"How many times do I have to remind you, it's Lady van Riften you- oh, hello, Major."
^

"but I'm well aware of your family's situation"
^Mm, what situation that be?

The Major laid his palms flat on her desk
^Missed opportunity to use "paw pads" here, because who doesn't love beans?

she squeezed her fists together until her claws pierced her paw pads
^Aww, there they are!

She was, by her own admission, an intellectual rather than a fighter.
^Arrgh, you totally could have cut this line. It's unnecessary and does a lot of needless explaining when you've already established everything you're trying to hammer home here. She's an intellectual because she's rigging the books, and she's not a fighter because "but a quick comparison between the rat's well-trained physique and her own flabby stomach put that idea to rest." Which is a BEAUTIFUL line, btw. That gave me everything I needed right there. And like, look how much stronger it could have been:

Unable to meet his gaze, Elsabeth's eyes flickered to where she kept her knife, but a quick comparison between the rat's well-trained physique and her own flabby stomach put that idea to rest. Time to bargain.

Mm so juicy like wet cat food.

Did he think her nothing more than a money-grubbing commoner?
^Well, yeah, when you're like, immediately offering him a cut and skimping out on the cook. Silly kitty.

Aww, Elsabeth is cute. I like the underlying family angle going on here. Shows a lot of her motivation. It's clear family means a lot to her; the whole reason she's pulling pennies and Office Spacing it is because "I'm well aware of your family's situation". And she's very high class. She wants to be called Lady before Lieutenant (which makes me think this is a relatively new position for her), she hates the idea that the Major would think her a "money-grubbing commoner," and, like, she actually does get mad at him before remembering her place.

Did he have any idea-

"Lieutenant."

She gulped.

Whoops.

Oh yeah, I guess the major also calls her a "noble milksop" but I figured it out before he did.

Maybe if you're really good at it you can embezzle enough to get a new hat...
^I like how the major likes to take cheap shots at her. If he knows her family situation then this tells me that Elsabeth is trying to keep the lavish elegant lifestyle her family is so used to, rather than, like, staving off poverty, which would be the much more sympathetic route. Instead, Major is all "Oh yeah, maybe you can buy a nice hat for yourself ... in ten seasons or so!" Cue villainous laughter.

Every one loves a good prissy kitty cat and Elsabeth fits that role perfectly. And while she's still sassy and snappy, she does know her place and she'll cower when somebeast is more intimidating. Should make for some great character reactions, absolutely.[/spoiler]

Lucan

[spoiler]Lucan is so traditional!! Ahh! I love it to death. My traditional beast was Aloysius, a Gatekeeper bat who used to hearken to stories of Redwall past. I'm practically giddy to see a character like this. They're getting fewer and farther between, what with all the grey scale woodlanders and vermin. Do we even use the terms woodlander and vermin anymore? I don't know... Anyway!

"Doom and death to all vermin!"
^Yaaaas

The voice boomed, shattering the sleep of the three rats.
^Wow what a jerk.

Blinking dancing lights from their eyes,
^This is a nitpick, but maybe "Blinking the dancing lights"? Blinking dancing lights is making it seem like they suddenly stumbled into a rave.

A blood chilling laugh came from all around them. It raised a glowing sword.
^The laugh raised the sword? Or the ghostly figure?

"Now you die!" the voice boomed.

The fire flared again.

This whole scene reeks of

A mouse, dressed a green Redwaller's habit, climbed down from the tree.
^EEEEEEE

"Mother Veristy would have a fit to see her bed sheets now, eh, my friend?"
^Aww, cute. He talks to inanimate objects.

As a Dibbun "helping" in Redwall's kitchens, Lucan had thrown a pawful of flour at his friend, right next to the open oven door. Who knew that fire and flour reacted so?
^How dare you science in my Redwall.

"You see, Father Abbot," he said to the night. "I am perfectly suited to be the Abbey Warrior. Just you wait. My friend and I," he patted the haversack where his fake ghost resided, "are going to prove you, and everybeast else, wrong. Someday, the name of Lucan the Warrior will join the names of Martin, Matthias, and Mattimeo!"
^What is this?? Motive? A goal??!



Lucan's writer knows how to cater to my whims. Any sense of nostalgia is an instant win in my book, and Lucan is all about hearkening to those days of bright-eyed wonder. What a fantastic little journey you've set up for yourself. I can't wait to see Lucan fail.[/spoiler]



[spoiler]Merrill! I love hedgepigs so much. SO MUCH. I just love calling them hedgepigs. I had two of them, and whenever I would call them my hedgepigs people would be all, lol wut? Anyway, I got something for you:



"Calm your chompers, acorn noggin. I'm here for pitons and rope."
^Bwah I love this so so much.

-
^This means a scene change.

Merrill's corpse sprawled at the center, frozen beside a bag of gold.
^lol, wut?

"Her mate's 'gifts' burned most of our homes."
^lol, wut?

B-believe as you will, but her gold is yours to take.
^It's a STUTTER!!! That means something is fishy!

Killian's brow furrowed.
^Oh ho ho, this guy knows what's up.

Merrill's limbs sprung alive, collapsed about his leg, and threw him ankle first onto the ground.
^Oh thank god, I thought she was dead.

The "spirits" were doused as they wrestled across the summit. Hidden braziers heaped with combustive powders, to flint an ill-colored spark from afar, rested in the drifts.
^But ... but who did the voices?

you fishwhiskers
^lol fishwhiskers

She recalled the lady's balm of mint,
^Have you ever seen a hedgehog anoint? They do it when they encounter new smells. It's super weird.

God these Youtube videos are so huge. I wish I could small them down.

Anyway, that's what I see when Merrill and elegant hedgelady get together.

So she's a hedgepig seer! This looks fun. I'm really curious about what Merrill and her huspig did to exile them from the town. Something with fire, no doubt. Torched the village to the ground? Must have been a dry season methinks. She's here to atone for her past and crimes, and I found it neat that she actually faked her own death to do it, like it wasn't enough to just get the gold, she had to make them think she was dead doing it. I wonder if that meant she was going to try to return to town under a different guise or if it was just for sentimental purposes. "Yes, she burned our village to the ground, but she sacrificed her life in atonement. What a dynamite gal."

I'm really interested to see what kind of magics you cook up in this, and I'm really curious who the spirit voice was. I don't think it was Merrill cause she was all d-e-d dead. Was it her mate? It's never really answered, and I kind of wish it had been. Just a little loose end to tie up would have been nice.

One thing is for certain, this is a tough cookie. Can take on an otter all by herself. Hedgepigs are pretty robust it seems. Merrill is definitely going to be a fun one![/spoiler]

[Sycamore]

Marksbeasts

Flauros

[spoiler]Flauros is a shrew, and I've already misspelled your name twice now. You're going to be a fun one I can tell. I haven't read anything yet, but you better be part of GUOSIM or I'm going to be mighty upset.

It was buried deep in the wooden stake above, fishtailing violently.
^Great imagery there. Fishtailing violently is so great.

Tearing past the designated target, it clanged against the side of a nearby town shop- an herbalist's apothecary.
^I hope that's the same apothecary Nyika used to KILL EVERYONE IN CARRIGUL.

Also I think it funny that this guy couldn't hit the broadside of a barn, and does.

Pursuing his predetermined path,
^You start early with the fate stuff, I like that lots.

"It's Fate telling us that Curley is not supposed to die."
^His friends Larry and Moe got away, I see.

Cuffey
^lol Cuffey. I like that he refuses to use his name.

"The less we fight against our Fate, the better off we'll be."
^Hmmm, which one is this, the diviner or seer? One of those roles accepts fate, the other tries to change it.

Flauros, the expert marksbeast- you could hit the wing of a butterfly in the midst of a storm!


ol' what's-his-name is not supposed to die today.
^Aww, he stopped trying

Guided by the divine will of Fate, the dagger found its target.
^It's a twist!!

So is Flauros (yaaas got it right the first time) a Diviner or a Seer? I really love how you take Airan's established world and start to use it for your own purposes. Flauros acts like a Diviner, but for the right coin, he'll absolutely take on the role of a Seer. But even then, he still remains Diviner: "Guided by the divine will of Fate, the dagger found its target." So he must have seen the bet as fate that he would be offered it, and Coffey's death remains as fate would have it.

Or he could just be taking us all for a ride and he doesn't give one lick one wa or the other.[/spoiler]

Siler

[spoiler]Content Warning.
^lol wut?

I know Airan has said once before that he's not going to hold us back and for us not to be afraid of getting graphic and stuff. Which is why he had the Suneater rip someone's head off in the app. Still, the fact that Airan is prefacing this with a Content Warning is a very bold move.

Can't wait to read it.

He worked best in the darkness.
^He is the night.

He hated scribbling in the dark, but for coin, Siler would do almost anything.
^Including taking notes in the dark, lol.

Falfred was a familiar trove.
^Falfred ... Alfred ... He is Batmouse, isn't he?

Siler moved out from the bricked alley and raised his crossbow mouse-arang.
^There, I fixed it for you.

Falfred stuck the waterlogged cap on his head, and Siler removed it with a quiet bolt from his bow. Falfred turned at the sound of the bolt striking the wall of the adjacent building and felt around the top of his head for his hat.
^Nice. I like this sequence here.

Falfred Peabody ... Alfred Pennyworth. I'm on to you...

"Siler, my ol'...mess...mate...*hic*!"
^I really love the asterisks, here. Really adds to the effect of the hiccough.

Siler's gloved paws.
^Gloved paws... I bet that's important.

"She gave me all she had—and a little more."
-narrows eyes-

He fired in a quick pull, and Falfred died.
^I frickin' LOVE how quick this is. Nothing fancy, no drawn out death scene. Just ... and Falfred died. Beautifully haunting at how quickly death can take us. Oof, Bihto-bumps (that's goosebumps, mind. Shut up I'm funny.)

"Where do you think you're going?" he asked, closing the door and following. "I'm not tired."
^Oh, so he's a jerk.

Geeez, Siler don't play around. We're definitely not supposed to like this guy, which is cool! Story needs a good villain anyway. I can see Siler as the dark quiet type, keeping to himself, sharpening his knives as he watches the rest of the group interact with each other. He goes for coin, so let's hope Mekai has that in spades. Siler ain't gonna help nobeast without the proper price.

Anyway, Siler is definitely the grittiest app I've come across so far, and I like it. I'd really like to see how he works with his companions. I see him as being great on raising the rating bar in this. MOV, Rated R. That's the wholesome Redwall I want to see.

One thing I do want to address because I've seen this in a few other reviews: I don't think that's supposed to be Falfred's wife at the end of the piece. It seems pretty clear that this is supposed to be some sort of brothel at the least (I don't know why, but the crimson door seems like a pretty big indicator to me). Also, the scantily clad creature who answers the door is surprised and shocked to see Falfred dead at her doorstep. Falfred's wife literally paid someone to kill him, so the reaction doesn't quite connect. Anyway, just wanted to say that.[/spoiler]

Unga

[spoiler]Unga Underbite is another SHREW. Flauros disappointed me by not being a part of GUOSIM, so you better be, or I'm going to quit this contest right here and now.

"Ya cut me, Snagwort Slickpaw. Right down to the quick."
^Oh god I'm already uncomfort.

I just love that she's being robbed by a guy named Slickpaw.

Tail over teakettle is my new favorite phrase.

The smell of blood swallowed up the foul alley air.
^That sounds like a lot of blood for a prick.

Maybe, if she'd been more attentive to the state of her stoat, she could have prevented this, kept him on the – well, not the straight and narrow, but the slightly less crooked and malevolent.
^Aww, she's sad for him! She's not mad, just disappointed.

"Force o' habit, Snaggy. Go on with your robbery, then."
^I love this so much ahahaha.

Unga just sat back on her heels and scratched at her bloody snout with her jutting lower teeth.
^So that's why they call her Underbite.

atlatl
^Don't you ever make me google a word.

The idjit didn't even think to take her real weapons
^I like how her narration is accented.

"Nothin' like this'd ever happen in the tribe. City beasts got no kinda manners."
^heckin' YAAASSS. AHHHH!!!! Okay, okay, I'm good. Looks like I'm sticking around.

I frickin' love Unga. She's so cute. Oh my god. I love her personality, how she's trying to talk to Snaggy instead of reprimand him, I like how she legitimately cares about him, and I like that she lets him go. She's such a sweet, sweet character. She reminds me of me, a lot, actually. Slow to anger, lets beasts take advantage of them, and in the end, doesn't do anything about it. I love how the climax of the piece is this right here: But she didn't. She let him go.

Sometimes it's just as powerful to keep a character from changing as it is to give them growth, and I just love how you do that here. Yeah, Unga lets him go, but she'll stew about it:

Maybe later, when she'd had another ale or two in the roaring loneliness of the tavern, she'd find it in her to get mad about this betrayal. Couple hours, couple days – maybe she'd hunt down Ole Snaggy and teach him the consequences of doing a fair beast dirty.
^But you know she won't, it's just a fantasy for her, to give a beast their comeuppance, to fight back and not let everyone treat her as a rug.

This piece hit very close to home for me.

[/spoiler]

[Cobb]

Markbeasts

I think I love you for this. *psssst: It should be "Marksbeasts" though.*

[Sycamore]

Markbeasts

I think I love you for this. *psssst: It should be "Marksbeasts" though.*

Ahh, yes. That'd be a tiepo, haha. Thanks!

[Sycamore]

Brigands

Antonia St. Myra

[spoiler]Antonia! There's already been a lot of buzz about this character, mostly that she fits better in any other category than Brigand.

Scapular
^Don't you ever make me google a word.

I wonder where she got the falchion.

"Get your hide out here sir, you've some explaining to do!"


paw on hilt and snarl on maw
^Nice.

when she refused to honour it.
^Someone's Bri'ish or pretending to be.

your team have fled
^Genuine question: is it has or have here? I want to say has but I could be wrong.

"Good, excellent! Fight for it!"
^Aww, she's encouraging him. That's sweet.

He suppressed a grunt of pain, switched sabre to his uninjured arm.


He brought in a blow, but was neatly deflected. "Who!" Again. "In all Hellgates!" Again. "Are you?!"
^Super cool sequence here! I likes it.

Antonia is a strong female character who don't need no man. I'll admit there were some things I didn't quite pick up on the first read through, but that's a good thing, because as I read it again and again I got to pick up on the more subtle nuances you were attempting to get across. Or I could just be a bad reader that's probably more accurate.

So I'm trying to piece this together, working out her Brigandi-ness. I can see where she might fall in all other categories:

The tip of her falchion dipped for a moment, swooped round, jounced his sabre aside.
^She's a duelist

She drove her off-paw into his gut, bared her teeth as he went down.
^She's a berserker

"I think that your only heir, having just escaped a terrible fire only to find out her father has been killed on the road by brigands, will make very certain that I do not."
^She's a schemer.

"I've no quarrel with you lot."
^She's a seafarer, cause pirates say "I've no quarrel with ye!" a lot

"But you! Lord Briar Haversham! Get your hide out here sir, you've some explaining to do!"
^She's a hunter! Hunted him down and all.

"My name is Antonia St. Myra, and I had the honour of being sentenced to the nunnery at Blackridge, where I met a ferret jill called Philippa Haversham."
^She's a guardian!

She stepped into his defence and dug the tip of her falchion into his shoulder.
^Definitely a marksbeast.

And she pierced his throat.
^That makes her an assassin.

"What is this?" "Why are you here?" "How do you even know about Pippa?"
^Who know! Cause she's a wildcard!

Nah but seriously, I think my favorite part of this app is the fact that the nunnery is still burning, so this is obviously a recent escape, which means this company Antonia refers to: "My company waits behind the tree line to the north," is probably a bunch of ragtag sisters acting like brigands. And that tickles me so very very much.[/spoiler]

Kiri the WARBEAK SPARRA

[spoiler]Kiri's a sparrow! KILLEE MOUSEWORM! MIGHTY SPARRA KINGDOM KILLEE KILLEE KILLEE!!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d1URdv1uKBk

Frickin' Warbeak. I love her. Therefore I love Kiri.

The sharp bite of bitter tea invaded Kiri's nostrils, causing her to give a little sneeze.
^I LOVE this. This is so real life ahahaha.

Ruddy feathers soaked up the mixture greedily, masking bright colors to muted tones.
^Is she bathing in the tea?

"Shaddup, or I'll wear yours!"
^"Shaddup, stoatworm, or I KILLEE!!!"
There, I fixed it for you.

"Rabbit dung an' mud?"
^Haha, gross.

Hard to surprise a beast when yore gawpin' into the bushes like yore snipe huntin',
^They're hard to catch, those snipes.

But waiting was always the hardest part.
^The waiting is the hardest part
Every day you see one more card
You take it on faith, you take it to the heart
The waiting is the hardest part

So Kiri is a Tom Petty fan. I approve.

"Long as you don't cause a fuss, this'll be over before teatime."
CUTE, because tea started the whole thing in the first place!

I like Kiri! She's cute and fun. I like how this sparrow is the leader of this band of vermin, including stoats and a rat, and even more than they are obviously bigger than her: At the edge of the woods stood a pair of stoats, four times her size and built like a pair of yew trees: Barnard and Greentail, the muscle of her little band.

Kiri's the brains of the outfit, which makes her a SCHEMER. No, I kid. It's still super cute to see this tiny little bird boss a bunch of vermin around. I can't wait to see how she interacts with other folk in the contest, who won't necessarily take her seriously because she's so small. She's going to have to find something to give her a leg up on the others, definitely outsmart and outwit them, but that can only go so far. Still, sparrows are small and quick. She'll be a super fun one for certain.[/spoiler]

Smooths like silk

[spoiler]Smooths! Smooths is a weasel. A smooth talker, I'm sure, or maybe his fur is so smooth because he eats well and has a healthy coat. Whatever the case, Smooths is smooth like butter.

"Fell," grunted Muli. "Liddle spi—"
^Liddle spider? What's he trying to say, here? I must know.

A hacking cough interrupted his words, and he curled up into a ball.
^Aww, that's really sad.

Muli winced, lips pulled back tightly in a skullish grin.
^Skullish grin, oooh.

"Toldja dem shrews was a bad mark."
^Ahh, it's the plot! So Smooths and Muli targeted dem shrews but the shrews got the better of dem. Makes sense. Can trust them shrews farther than you can throw them. Also I like that this is the only brigand where things turn out not so well. Definitely a different take on things. I wonder how many others went the same way.

"Aw, c'mon, mucker," he whined. "Can't ya git yerself up now? Ain't got much left." Muli, stirring slightly, mumbled incoherently and waved a paw in front of his face. "Naw?" Smooths asked again, prodding the prostrate ferret with a toe.
^I really like how he's complaining here, almost like, not willing to believe his friend is practically dead, as if he can just pick himself up and keep going. It makes the whole thing REALLY SAD.

Smooths frowned, and then nodded. "Aye, aye. I'll carry ye a bit longer."
^STOP MAKING ME SAD.

"ain't an 'air less'n funny, innit?
lolwut?

"See anythin' up there? Any lights? Think we might be gettin' close now."
^I really like how he's still talking to him. Still in denial.

Muli seemed to whisper something in his ear, a muted exhalation, and the ferret's body went slack. Smooths stopped and cocked his head, listening intently for another whisper.
^:(((

Bawww. You're not allowed to make me this sad. It was really mean of you.

I really like the ending there: "In the distance the wind rustled through the trees and the faint gurgle of a stream rolled through the quiet night." That bit of separation from the immediate scene into something off in the distance is a very nice break. I like Smooths a lot. I like his character and I like how he handles (pawdles?) the death of his friend. I'm super curious to know more, though, like what he and Muli tried to do with the shrews. I mean, brigand them, sure, but like, how? What was their method and how did it go sour? How did Smooths get off so easily when Muli was cut down?

Smooths seems like a super sweet bloke despite being a brigand. I'd love to see the rest of his characterization.[/spoiler]

[Sycamore]

My love for you is like a truck, Berserker!

Chitterfang the Wrigglekin!

[spoiler]CHitterfang the Wrigglekin!
Species: Bat (common noctule)
^lol there are no bat species in Redwall. They are just bats.

She better have an echo or I'm gonna be mighty upset, upset.

"You believe in the Wrigglekin!?" The vixen's necklaces jangled as she chortled. "Quick now, scream into the river and summon Martin too!"
^Oh my god is this going to be like a Candyman type thing??!

A streak of red-gold fur flew from the treeline and crashed into the ground as though it'd forgotten its wings.
^What a magnificent entrance.

"The little blessings are eating your veggibles?"
^I ALSO SAY VEGGIBLES WHEN I ORDER FROM CHIPOTLE.

Chitterfang's long ears scanned, picking up the vixen and a dozen armed bandits only a fence line away.
^Yaaas, use dat echolocation.

"I am, I am"
^Yaaay it's an echo!

"Run! RunrunrunBrennanRUN!"
^HEE

She did not swallow, and let the 'little blessings' squirm along her tongue and teeth.
^Haha, gross.

And the vixen's war cry became the trilling crickets as Chitterfang held him close.
^Oh no, who is him?

Roll, sting, weave.

Roll, sting, weave.
^Yay more echos!

An elderly vole bled free into the river.
^Oh noooo.

and glowmoths lighting his wings.
He sounds like a dream.

Ahh! I like Chitterfang LOTS. I'm automatically partial to bats anyway, but Chitterfang is super cute and that is also a thing that I like. I love that she keeps a journal! I had a character like that who used to write in a journal to remember the past. It's super fun!!

You could do for a little more echoes if you ask me, but who's counting, really? I am. I am counting. And there were three echoes. Maybe four, if you consider "There are so many, too many!" which is a stretch to say the least.

Anyway, I want to ship her with Aloysius, so I will. You can't stop me.[/spoiler]

Elias the Heatherpaw

[spoiler]Elias Heatherpaw is a hare and I like the idea that that makes him close to badgerlords who do the whole Bloodwrath thing. Bloodwrath is typically a badger thing but berserker seems like the prime category for it and even moreso Elias if he had grown up in Salamandastron and been around that kind of thing. Would make it pretty natural for him. Anywho, I'm starting to ramble and I forget the point I was trying to make.

A formless presence issued forth like breath from the dark forest.
^Ooh, cause the forest breathes and is aliiive. I likes this I approves of this message.

Be with me.
^This sounds like a memoryyy.

Elias pressed the locket to his mud-smeared lips and pictured the penciled image within.
^Nailed it.

He recalled every stroke of his paw, every wayward glance that stole him from its creation, every teasing breath that escaped her.
^Aww, that's cute. He loves herrr.

The wood lay before him, buzzing with insects.
^I like this sharp snap back to reality.

"Your concern is noted, Leftenant."
^So interesting, because I googled this. Leftenant is like an archaic pronunciation of lieutenant, chiefly British. I thought he was mocking her for a bit but looks like he's just an old fashioned bloke.

This was why they came, even against the badgerlord's orders: some things could not be let go.
^Yaaaas he is part of the Long Patrol.

their movement hushed upon the fresh-fallen leaves
^Aren't fallen leaves, like, the worst thing to keep you quiet?

A scream cut him off.
^Whoops.

His paws found the fox's neck and he squeezed.
^I like how he goes for the stranglehold.

The forest hummed with a thousand voices, the mosquito-whine of the insects coalescing into a song of blood.
^I'm really digging this insect theme you got going on here.

He reached for the nearest instrument and found the fox's cudgel.
^Definitely like the use of instrument here.

I am with you now, love.
Ooh, what a strong ending! I like how his berserkerness is represented in song and dance, with his instruments being the weapons he uses and stuff. It's really neat and I like how you employ it. I'd love to see what more you can do with it.[/spoiler]

Ilka the Hellcat

[spoiler]A wildcat! Is it IIKA or LLKA? The world will never know.

Every time the red haze faded away, Ilka's first and most desperate desire was to clean the mess out of her fur.
^BLOODWRATH

Experience had taught her, however, that clients handed over their post-job payment more enthusiastically to a grisly monster than to a tidily-groomed wildcat.
^Hahahaha nice.

and always wore the brown robe of whatever sect had spawned him.
^I like this.

the burlap sack of heads she had just dumped on the ground before him
^Eek.

"If you value professional integrity, you'll complete the task that you agreed to."
^I mean, he has a point.

She was impatient enough to leave this backwater that she wouldn't even need the Rage to do it.
^Excuse me, it's called Bloodwrath.

"Is that why he had me kill a family of weasels, Monk? The greater good?"
^I'm curious about this guy now. Why would he want to kill a family of weasels, and how does he know Brother Wulter to sent him as contact? I wonder if he's an abbot, cleansing the world of vermin for the greater good. Yet then he employs a wildcat. Hmm, interesting... Sounds like a story!

almost as if he meant to pray to the great Nothing Ilka knew to be out there.


"We are none of us unsullied," he said, "nor truly past redemption."
^That's a cute sentiment.

Keep that sack of gold for yourself or distribute it to the poor or whatever fool thing you wish.
^Aww, so she's a Robin Hood Berserker.

"Perhaps I am a lost soul craving redemption,"
^I love a good redemption story.

"Or perhaps I am an arrow seeking a heart, with no care at all whether its owner is good or evil."
^That's also a good angle to take.

Ooooh! I like the idea that going out to help Mekai is Iika's redemption story. It's really cute and I am a big fan. I think it's pretty clear that she wants to be good, she wants redemption, but she still has that kind of nature in her of a killer and she knows it. She can't control herself, but obviously Brother Wulter impressed her enough that he can be the new guiding force behind her. Her previous employer did not impress by order the death of a family of weasels, but that simple line of "We are none of us unsullied, nor truly past redemption," was exactly what Llka needed to hear.

This is super cute and I like it.[/spoiler]

[Sycamore]

Assassin

Brother Hawthorn

[spoiler]Brother Hawthorn is a MOUSE who is a BROTHER. That means he's an ABBEYBEAST from REDWALL. Should be a pretty good bloke, methinks. Definitely not a killer.

-looks at the category-

O-oh.

"Mm." The mouse adjusted his spectacles, eyes disappearing once more behind them. "No, it isn't."
^Mm, this guy's been around the block it seems.

Hawthorn regarded the oozing red pulp that once was the hedgehog's shoulder.
^ Ahhh, gross.

"Thought you Abbeyfolk didn't ask questions."
^Nailed it.

And then, "Bursoot."
Bursoot ... fur suit ... lol furries.

"Ashgrove can a little... unwelcoming to newcomers."
^Mmm, Ashgrove, not Redwall. Does this mean another abbey? Ashgrove Abbey, perchance? Also sounds like a jerky place to live, and small enough that Brother Hawthorn knows who lives there and who doesn't.

Hawthorn produced a candied chestnut. "For being such a good patient."
^I love this so much hahaha. It's like getting a lollipop for good behaviour.

"Feel like a dibbun again..."
^Yaaay you used dibbun!

His heel-heavy stance suggested recent enlistment. The spotless uniform underneath the shawl confirmed it.
^I like how observational Hawthorn is.

His eyes quickly centered on the blood-red seal: a cracked skull of indeterminate species in the iris of a giant eye. An old ache quivered in his breast.
^A mystery!

I'll have to make you my not-quite-famous, but still very-well-regarded leek and onion soup.
^Brother Hawthorn in the kitchen:


Hawthorn counted, then bent down and ripped his scalpel free. It clattered on his debris plate before he picked up the nearest rag.
^Did he just stab him in the neck?? What just happened? Did someone order this guy's death? Was this in the letter? I'm so confuuused. Who wanted Bursoot dead? Cause he had a brawl in a tavern? So many questions.

So from what I gather, Brother Hawthorn is a healer, but assassinates in pretty brutal ways. I'm surprised you didn't have Bursoot poisoned or anything, that you just went straight for the "scalpel in neck death". Definitely didn't go for the usual healer/assassin route.

I'm left with a lot of wondering about this. Like, what's going on here? What are the driving forces behind Brother Hawthorn and Ashgrove? And what about that letter with the crazy seal? I like to think every week when someone has to die Brother Hawthorn receives a letter from a random squirrel and then he just ... frickin' stabs them in the neck.[/spoiler]

Robin Merriweather

[spoiler]Robin Merriweather is a fox. A fox named Robin. Robin Hood, perhaps??! No. Robin Merriweather is female and Robin Hood is male. Oh! That means she's a VIXEN. Vixens are classic assassins. Just ask Chickenhound.

"How could this happen! He can't be dead! He can't!" Robin collapsed against the sink, sobbing into her paws.
^Oh no, what happened??

A moment passed before Robin regained her composure. She tilted her head while examining her reflection in the mirror. "Dead! How could this happen!" She began to quietly wail but stopped.
^She's acting!! Guys, I figured it out.

"That dress is stunning," Olaf said quietly. "Did you know blue was my favorite color?"
^I bet he also likes warm hugs. I'm so so sorry for that.

the fox droned on about mundane things like warrior ancestry, the history of the castle, and how vermin of old wrestled it from woodlander paws.
^Like Kotir!

"It was bought with blood and violence. But tonight..." Olaf then stepped closer, crossing his arm with Robin's and bringing her drink to his lips...

...and his drink to hers.
^Oh snap, he knows what's up!

"It's really just... unhygienic, don't you think?"
^lol, such a lame attempt

"It is a gesture of our love. And everyone is staring."
^Yeah, Robin, y r u being so rood?

He held the goblet even closer, if possible.
^I don't know, is it?

She only needed one quick thrust to his kidneys, then dive out the nearest window.
^A logical sequence of events.

Terrified screams filled the room as the mouse collapsed from a fatal case of being stabbed in the face.
^lol nice.

"Well," Robin groaned silently, "There goes Plan B..."
^Yeah, I'm actually curious about that. Why would she not let the mouse stab the guy she wants to kill? Why stab the mouse in the face instead? Was this some sort of knee jerk reaction? I'm guessing it has to be because it gave her, like the perfect "get out of jail free" card. ALso, would have been neat to have her join in the stabbing and been discreet about it. Would have been super cool for Olaf to know she was also stabbing him, but everyone thinks only the mouse was involved.

So Robin is a Social Justice Warrior. Like Novak! I'd like to see the two of them together and be all Twitter during the contest. There are definitely enough birds to make it happen.[/spoiler]

Siobhan

[spoiler]Siobhan! How do you pronounce your name? It sounds super fun and I bet it's cute to boot. She's another vixen which means she's an assassin! All vixens are assassins, even the ones not in the assassin category. This I decree.

Siobhan started as her door flew open.
^What did she start? Haha I kid I know what you mean.

The vixen had seen her friend beaten before, but never like this.
^-sad face-

Arwydd
^I'm digging your names a lot. They all look super cute and fun to pronounce.

"He near enough did today."
^Siobhan is really calm about this it seems.

"But what can you do?"

"It's better if you don't ask, Arwydd. Stay here. Sleep."
^It's a mystery!

~~~~~
^That means a scene change.

The vixen silently slid the dagger from inside its sheath in her boot.
^I know this is just me, but I always have trouble imagining beasts with shoes and stuff. But maybe I just like foot paws a lot. Anyway, nothing bad about it. You do you. I'm just always reminded of this, probably:



She could feel the notches she had made in it: 9 in total. Cedric. Grimfang. Thisa. Gribill. Aspen. Straithis. Jame. Dimtail. Zheka.
^Ooh! First off, I love them names. Secondly, don't think I don't see that numeric 9 there. After listening to Foxpen and Nara rant and rave about the 6 in Bise's app, I feel obligated to bring this to your attention. Feel bad.

The world grew sharper: each sound was magnified, the smells more pungent, her vision sharpened.
^Yaaas.

Siobhan slithered out of the shadows
^Lovely alliteration!

She pulled the dagger out as he slumped to the ground. She felt the warm, sticky gush of his life leaving him, coating her paw. Siobhan wiped the dagger on his cloak and resheathed it.
^Not even a struggle. I love it.

"Come. It's time I told you what I do."
^What you do??! This isn't like, a ten time thing?

"I think you're probably right, Wydd," Siobhan grinned wickedly, "and we can't just leave them like that."
^Oooh!!!

THE MANTIS. Like a praying mantis! Siobhan is a nun, I've figured it out. She just has a side business of killing folk. Nah, I kid. I think it neat. Very nice build up of things, and I very much enjoyed the three part story. Beginning, middle, and ending. Very traditional and I loves it perfectly. You might have a bigger challenge than others integrating yourself into the story; I wonder why Siobhan would join Mekai's little ragtag group when she already has a purpose behind her, but I don't think this should be any problem for you. Also, while some might wonder what you might do with Arwydd if you make it in, I also don't think this a problem at all I mean, at the very least you can always just kill her.

I'm a big fan of Siobhan. Solid writing and a solid character. I'd love to see what you make of her.[/spoiler]

[Sycamore]

Duelists

Elliot Montoya

[spoiler]Elliot had my first limerick so I'd be remiss not to include it.

There once was a duelist named Elliot,
Whose title drew all of the zealots.
But the fox was too cool,
And he took them to school.
"I'm too old for this s---," so he tells it.

Elliot is a fox. He is not a vixen, therefore he is not an assassin. Which means he is a duelist instead. Also looks to be pretty old by age standards! A forty year old duelist! That's usually after people's primes, aye?

Elliot shrugged as if to say, "As you wish."


Rather than taking the long sword at his side Elliot chose the rapier, then a stance was taken to mirror his opponent.


A younger opponent.
^At forty that'd be most, I'd wager.

He sighed, acknowledging the beast's skill with a nod of his head.
^What a good sport.

Tauntingly the hare saluted Elliot with his rapier before attacking again.
^I don't like the word "tauntingly" here. Give him an obnoxious grin instead. Produces the same effect and it reads a lot better. Adverbs are your enemy.

Elliot just tipped his hat and saluted with his sword.
^See? We know it's a taunt, you don't need to tell us.

Sparks flew as steel viciously clashed against steel with blows aimed only to kill.


Momentum carried the cottontail past the spinning fox and exposed his back to the edge of Elliot's Grim Reminder.
^Nice. I like the use of cottontail a lot. Also curious how his sword got the name Grim Reminder.

Elliot's blade tasted only metal however, clashing against the sword of the hare's companion. Rather than attack, Elliot rolled to one side, narrowly avoiding the attack of the third hare as he too joined the battle.
^Well that's not fair.

Throwing Grim Reminder to his left paw,


"Our blades talked, but mine found the conversation to be rather dull."
^Heckin' one liners.

With a flick of his wrists, the swords were sheathed.
^Did he sheath the swords for them?

"Next time you come for my title, bring more friends. The gravedigger needs the business."
^But he didn't ... he didn't kill them.

The crowd parted for the fox, and it wasn't until he was out of sight did he finally lean against a market stall, fur bristled and muscles sore.


"You're too old, too fat, and far too lucky for your own good, Elliot." He continued to the nearest tavern with as much dignity his shaky paws could muster.
^Cue Lethal Weapon gif.

Ahh, an aging duelist! How cute. I don't care what you say I'm all Princess Bride about this. So the hares are after his title but they cheat in front of a live audience? Seems cheaty to me. Sounds like instead of winning his title they just wanted to kill him instead, and that's no bueno. Still, this was a fun scene with all the action! I think it would be great for Elliot to be all Danny Glover in this thing, hee.[/spoiler]

Fiyero in Boots

[spoiler]Fiyero is a fun name! He's PUSS IN BOOTS omg. Is that really what you were going for? Because it's amazing. I support this 100%.

"Flash! Slash! CRASH!
The song of the blade!
What I sing is true,
I cut him right in two!
O yes, the Beast!
The Bracken Beast of Summer's Glade!"
^A song a song! Cute! I likes it!

Higglesnout's Tavern is the best name for a tavern and I like that it's possessive which means Higglesnout is an actual name of somebeast.

laughing and clinking together their tankards full of amber broth.
^You mean ... beer? Huehuehue.

Grinning ear to ear, the cat collected the earnings.
^I like to think that he grunted while he bent over to do so.

Fiyero beamed, jangling the gold in his hands.
^They're supposed to be paws!!

"I believe this many coins can buy another round?"
^Aww, what a Robin Hood.

It was a spectacular skirmish, a fantastic fight!
^Love the alliteration here. What a bard.

"Oh, it is a song I shall sing until I can't sing anymore! Which, I must say," Fiyero winked to the rat. "Is an impossibility."
^He's going to live FOREVER.

the rat whispered.
^Kinda didn't expect a whisper here in a tavern of hootin' and hollerin'

"I'm known as the Dancing Flash for a reason!" The cat suddenly burst into blurry movement, prancing and weaving his footpaws between the full plates and glasses all across the table in expert fashion, clapping as he went.


A pine martin rose from a table in the back.
^I'm not going to bring this to your attention because it seems everyone else has, but there. I've brought it to your attention.

Fiyero replied, trying to salvage his smile.
^Oooh, tension.

"'You see, two seasons ago I was at a tavern named Mooneye's, and there was a cat callin' himself Soren the Silver, singin' the same words you were singin'. So if you're sayin' that cat wasn't you, then either Soren's lyin' about slaying this 'Bracken Beast'...or you are."
^So if I got this right, there's another cat named Soren who really killed the Bracken Beast and sang a song about it, and Fiyero is a ... copy cat?

all camaraderie was thrown out the door
^Missed opportunity to use the best word in the English language: defenestrated.

He wouldn't be singing again anytime soon.
^Aww, he's gonna die.

Flash!

Slash!

CRASH!
^Just like the start of the app! How cute!!

I like Fiyero! He's fun! I like the idea that the martin kills him in the end and if you get in you'll be writing Soren instead. That'd be the best twist I'd ever see.[/spoiler]

Bihto the Jerk Goose

[spoiler]On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: SIX GOOSE A-GEESIN'.

The town of Hafnaross
^God these town and tavern names are amazing.

The aurora shone green and purple above the buildings, illuminating the ever-dark sky.
^First time I've seen use of the aurora.


Bihto blew into town,
^lol cause he's a goose. Also I love that he waddles.

His mother soon despaired of taming her son's wild impulses, and he had left home as soon as his wings could carry him over the mountains.
^This bird don't fly south for the winter.

Stale beer and the sharp tang of blood assaulted his nostrils. The goose breathed deep.
^I love this ahhhhh.

"Just flew in.
^And boy are my wings tired.

"Name's Zruse."
^What a name.

He found himself across from a snowy wildcat named Elyenora Smoothclaws.
^Sounds like a mash-up between Elsabeth and Smooths. HMMM.

She was clearly a crowd favorite, and entered the ring hissing and snarling. She was favored to win seven to one.
^THE HELLCAT.

The old badger referee stepped into the center of the ring
^Lol cause badgers are striped. You had a lot of fun with this I imagine.

"You beaked me!" she shrieked.
^Bahaha!

Elyenora spat angrily, her movements sloppy with emotion.
^Aww, she's so upset.

"Tonight's winner... Snowridge!"
^Wait, I thought his name was Bihto? How do they know him a Snowridge?

Bihto is SO MUCH FUN. I love him. I love that he's a boxer duelist or MMA fighter or something. He just doesn't use a sword and I think that's super neat. The bird's got attitude, takes cheap shots, and even caters to the crowd.

Which makes sense, because all geese are jerks.[/spoiler]

[Sycamore]

Wildcards

Rynn Rann Runn

[spoiler]Rynn the Berserker! Let's see why you didn't make the initial cut.

"Where are you off to?"

"Adventure."


"Rynn, that's the only direction left to go."
^Oh Rynn, you silly goose.

"There's nothing but bloody cliffs on all sides of us."
^Love the use of the British "bloody" here.

"You can't stay in one place for longer than a season before you're off wandering somewhere else."
^And where might that be, Zali? Could it be ... south?

Rynn rolled her eyes before jamming a loaf of bread and cheese in her satchel, not bothering to wrap it first in paper.
^I like the sense of urgency here, or maybe she's just annoyed and forgets.

Rynn wanted to slug him.


"You know very well why I want to get out of this village."
^Do we, though?

"I don't, actually!"
^Ah, thank you, Zali.

"It's a mystery!"


The world had become a crimson shade.
^Frickin' BLOODWRATH.

Curse her for trying to do something nice, helping a beast she did not know because of the panic in their voice, their desperate cry for help, and that maybe for once Rynn could do something useful.
^Aww, that's cute.

Storming through the simple dwelling, Rynn tore it apart, upending tables, pulling down cabinets and breaking dishware, until it looked like nothing less than a tornado had hit.
^Kinda like that Rynn takes this raw energy and destroys things with it. We've all felt that way at some point. We just, you know, are mature about it.

I'm really digging that Rynn's berserkerness lies in her rage issues and inability to control her emotions. Berserkers were super strong, so I can see why she got cut, but aside from Ilka, none of the berserkers really remember what happens when they berserk. Rynn's a notable exception in that case. Also Ilka, probably, but we didn't see her berserk. Still, I like the pacing of this. Rynn would be a great character to make enemies in the first week and then die.

Regardless, she'd make for a wonderful sith.[/spoiler]

Seamus McShamey-Shame

[spoiler]Seamus Blackquill. Seafarer. Gotta admit I have a special place in my heart for this guy considering I did his reading, but let me break it down a little.

"You can't just wait around. Every bird must leave the nest someday, dear!" said his mother at the porch of their beach-side villa.

"I know just what to do with you!" said Admiral Cilla, a good friend of the family.

"I have no idea what to do with you," said General Willowtail, a good friend of the Admiral's.

"Welcome ta Hellgates," said Captain Brightjoy, someone's friend, somewhere.
^I loved that whole exchange as an opening. Just knocks him down peg by peg.

shanty-singing otters


The gruel gurgled and the haze hissed. The Imp.
^This is my favorite line because I read it.

this was the Messenger of Torment, come to haunt his soul on this floating purgatory vessel.
^I like the metaphor here.

He threw another shell, striking his other temple.
^God, what a jerk.

"S'pronounced: Shame-us," he gurgled.
^So, thank you for that. I definitely would have read the app as See-mus otherwise, haha. Saved me from a lot of embarrassment.

and how well-versed in expletives the crew was.
^lol they are sailors.

That's what he needed: literature to cleanse his mind of all this otter blatherskite.


"Oh, that's a shame."
^Is it a shamey-shame?

"Books of... magic?" Seamus winced, shrugged, then committed to it. "Magic enough to let fatty old me fly to the heavens, even with a dozen beasts on my back."
^This is def one of my favorite lines haha.

"See? All without leaving the nest, mother dearest."
^THE CROW'S NEST HE MEANS. It's not a metaphor he's being literal.

I said it before, I have sentimental value towards Seamus because I read him. He sounds like a lazy jerk bag who'd rather trick everyone into doing everything for him than doing it himself. I love those types of characters. It makes good character relationships. There's been some talk of how to incorporate Seamus into the contest and what you'd do with him, but I trust ya. Should be a good show.[/spoiler]

Zandir Blackbriar

[spoiler]Zandir Firesage! Probably from Zelda. Took ol' Darunia's post after the series got rebooted with Breath of the Wild.

"Is that 'im?"
"Aye, the Grand Sentinel 'imself, back from sabertick... tickler..."
"Sabbatical, numbskull."
"Wi' that saber o' his, it makes more sense."
"You wouldn't know sense if'n it hit ye between the eyes!"
^Not gonna lie, I had a lot of trouble deciphering what was going on here, who was speaking, etc. Took me a couple read throughs but I think I finally got it. I'm not sure whose issue it is, if it's mine or yours. Probably mine. I'm a little dense when I read. -mutters about Shahin's buckler-

The quivering figure at the stoat's footpaws lit the fire in Zandir's chest.
^Cause he's the firesage!!

His next foe took a single strike to the heart, and Zandir was past.
^Nice, though should it be "passed?" I'm not sure. This writing is out of my league.

They took no notice of the red spattered on his rich brown fur, swarming him in welcome and gratitude.


she scolded him, her cracked voice still holding whipcord strength.
^Frickin' yes I love that.

ablutions
^Don't you ever make me google a word.

dipping a claw in the horrid mixture.
^Ooh, he finds it horrid, nice.

What are the Rooted Ones?

"Grandmother," Zandir protested, but subsided when the offending claw poked his brow. He mentally traced the fan-shape she painted with the mixture.
^-narrows eyes-

"It leaves us open to those hunting the treasure."
^People ask about what the treasure is, but I know.


and the enemies continue to descend on us."


"I am suffocating!" Zandir burst out.
^I like that he finally snaps.

"If I do not remove this Burden, soon there will be no beast left."
^Ooh, a plot!

Let's look at our terms:

Sentinel
Burden
Rooted Ones
Chosen

Sentinel is Zandir obviously. Burden is the treasure, whatever that is. Chosen is ... I think it's the beasts Zandir protects? The ones doing the celebrating. Rooted Ones I have no idea, but I suspect they are rooted somewhere and the Chosen are the ones that wander around with the burden or maybe the Chosen are the ones that replenish the Burden and the Rooted Ones are the ones that Zandir saves instead. There's a lot of mystery here!



One thing I can say for certain, Zandir is a pine marten, has his own religion and tattoos. He is obviously the love child between Zevka and Istvan. And if you disagree I will fight you to the death.[/spoiler]