Airan's Analyses

[Airan]

Hello and welcome.

So, I'm going to open this by being pretty painfully blunt. I've been incredibly hesitant to open a review thread for this contest for a number of reasons. The first is my status as the site admin- I bear a powerful voice. The second is my status as a contestant- I don't want to be perceived as using that voice to benefit myself. So on and so forth. In any case, I have experience as a contest admin and as a judge, and so I believe that I can remain objective when analyzing the applications that were submitted, talking about their strengths, weaknesses, and what needs work. While there are arguments to be made about whether things can be truly 'objective' or not- and they do hold weight (I won't deny that all of what I'm about to type about these apps is solely my own opinion)- I do also believe that each of these applications hold flaws that are worth pointing out, and are things I want the writers to focus on in the future when developing these characters within the contest.

As I said a moment ago, I DID apply to Survivor: Warpath, so, I'm posting this with a level of trust in my community that they'll believe me when I say that these reviews are not intended to steer people's opinions, be contrarian to the popular belief, create discourse for the sake of discourse, or to put my own applications on a pedestal. I have no intention of criticizing others to make myself look good. I know the flaws my writing has, and plan to point them out for everyone to see and contemplate- and ask that everyone who reads these realize that my reviews will be in good faith, and will be with the intention of trying to help everyone to improve.

That has been my goal since I took Survivor from Tara. I want to create a community of writers who actively seeks to improve and challenge themselves- and so I ask that you understand this motive going in. If I have criticisms of your application, this does not mean I think negatively of you as a writer or person- lord knows I've written my fair share of stinkers in the past (Percival from MO4 comes to mind). I don't expect everyone to agree with my opinions here, but I do ask that you be willing to try and see the perspective I'm offering.

Here is some basic information for how this will go down-

-----I will begin every critique with a short sentence to two sentence-long summary of the content of the application, describing the basic concept of the character and what they're all about. Following this, I plan on looking at the applications in the same way that I would have if I had been a judge in the competition. This means using Vin's given rubric to analyze Character, World Development, and Writing (in which I will also personally be looking at Storytelling), to see what I believe works to show this concept, what doesn't, and what helps it to shine. I will not give a score.

-----I will not specify who my votes are or my preference in a given category- though depending on the analyses, some categories may be more obvious than others.

-----The length of a review does not correlate to my opinions on a character.

-----If a comment I make is highly subjective- as in, a criticism that is formed through the foundation of my own personal beliefs or wants- then I will highlight the comment in Orange. And before a joke can be made that the entire review thread should be colored in red, I'm going to say that these highlighted areas are going to be saved for 'Highly' subjective comments. The most personal of takes. Things like that. While some of them may hold some weight, know when reading them that these are values or opinions that are my own, a single reader, so whether you choose to address them in the future should be of your own choice. It's possible I may miss the point you're going for- it's also possible I may have a point.

-----If a comment I make is a nitpick- as in a criticism that is relatively miniscule and doesn't really affect the grand scheme of the app- then I will highlight the comment in Blue. Most of these criticisms are not things that will heavily affect my opinion on a writing- though it should be without saying that anything small, if there's enough of it, can accumulate into something big.

-----If a comment I make is tangential- as in a sort of off-hand observation or remark unrelated to the current point I'm trying to make- then I will highlight the comment in Green. Mostly I see myself using this if I'm addressing an argument before it's brought up to me, or want to talk my general observations about a given piece of writing.

----- Lastly, all of my reviews will be peer-edited by Vin to ensure that the rhetoric I use is not too harsh and is consistent with my goal of keeping this all in line with genuine criticism.


Anyways, that's the basic gist of my plans here. If I have anything to add later, I will come back and edit it in. For now, I'd like to get right into it- so expect my thoughts in the coming days.

[Airan]

I'm going to start here with Marunae, our sole knight. Marunae is by themself, and so with there being a writer that is guaranteed for the contest- I'd like to give them their feedback first. Let's get started.

Marunae

"A young knight to be has an unlikely encounter in the Green Forest with a fox from the south. Despite the hurdles of a language barrier, the pair become fast friends but must unfortunately separate when Marunae's liege leaves their winter home. Sixteen seasons later, Marunae reunites with her friend under unfortunate circumstances. War is looming, and Heron needs to run."


Reading this summary, it can be easy to see why Marunae is so likable. At her core, she is a very familiar character to the Redwall Fanfiction environment- that being the warrior who breaks down barriers between two factions, shows that they can be friends instead of enemies and that maybe, just maybe, coexistence is possible. There's some very fun and charming interactions between its characters and it leaves its reader with the lingering ideas of a possible romance too.

I think Marunae is relatively good, but there are a few choices within the narrative that lessen the overall impact of its hook for me as a reader.

The first for me is pretty simple- I think Marunae's application is trying to do too much for the 800 word limit. In 800 words the writer tries to establish: Marunae's Character. Her friend, Heron's character. The two's interactions, establishing their relationship, and the first primary conflict- the language barrier. Marunae's role within the world as a vassal for 'the great family.' Marunae having to leave Heron and not knowing quite how to say goodbye yet, and the resolve to learn Heron's language. Then there's a timeskip, which shows us a grown-up Marunae who now knows Heron's language. There's a new conflict, a war is coming and Marunae wants to save Heron.

Focus is given to some of these ideas- the most notable being the character interactions and Marunae's warning after the timeskip- but there are some aspects that I think don't get the focus they deserve within the story, making them feel underdeveloped and hurting my perception of Marunae and her conflict. This being primarily the great family.

The great family is not only the 'organization'- for lack of a better word- that Marunae is a part of, but they also serve as the antagonist for her conflict. They are the role she is attached to that pulls her away from Heron in the first act, and they are presumably (Though there's evidence where they just seem to be soldiers of a different faction) the forces that Marunae wants to warn Heron of in the second. As it stands, the only thing I really know about them within the writing is that they wouldn't approve of Marunae's friendship with Heron and that they vacation near the Green Forest in the autumn. Marunae's role within the family is mentioned, but not given detail-

For a full month, she kept the secret. She tore through her Vassaling every day, from sunrise drills to the afternoon's marches and ceremonial practices.

The immediate questions that spring to mind reading this are: "what are the rules of her Vassaling and how do they differ from real life history? Does the Whitelands handle their army in any specific way that's unique to them? This is a big one, but what are these ceremonial practices that Marunae has had to do? And while it doesn't relate to this specific quote- in relation to Marunae herself, what does she think about her role? Does she like the great family? Does she have friends within it? A teacher or drill instructor who trains her?

Not knowing the answers to questions like this makes Marunae's duty feel almost formless outside of a general blanket term of 'soldier' - and when Marunae's primary conflict is that she's turning away from her duty to help her friend: well you begin to see why the hook doesn't quite work for me. She's helping her friend- but I don't know what she's turning away from to do it or what she's fighting against.

Now- I'm in no way saying that I think the storytelling here is bad. I think Marunae's relationship with Heron is explored very well with an introduction to the two characters that I think is INCREDIBLY charming. While the use of a real-life foreign language might pull me out of some writing, here I think Esperanto is unique enough- at least to my plebian butt- to where it doesn't feel out of place or tarnish the 'fantasy.' It being a real-life language also sort of allows the reader to participate in Marunae's own quest. You can look up the words, decipher them and learn what Heron's saying, and bridge the language gap in the same way Marunae does. It's really quite effective in this sort of transcendent kind of way.

What I'm more saying is that I feel there's a key piece of context with Marunae's conflict that is missing. I know of her relationship with Heron, but not her relationship with her duty. I know of her desire to be friends/'friends' with Heron and help him, but I don't know the antagonist that opposes them. And it leads to questions like: "Who is Marunae without Heron?" Or "Does Marunae's duty even matter to her?"

Writing wise, Marunae is relatively fine with a few awkward, run-on sentences, but most mistakes past that are fairly unimpactful. Some people have mentioned a bit of confusion once the time skip happens. The lack of Esperanto means that it has to be inferred by the reader that she's actively speaking it in this scene- but it's being translated to English for the reader. It's quite clever and speaks of the strong storytelling. If there is one bit of confusion I found within the narrative it was this line of dialogue-

"I couldn't find anybeast who spoke your language, I'm so sorry, I don't even know why I came back, I just wanted to-"

I think this bit of dialogue is what leads to a lot of confusion surrounding this scene. Because it's Marunae who wonders earlier if anyone speaks Heron's language, and Heron doesn't say something similar- it can be accidentally misconstrued that Marunae is the one speaking here and not Heron. And if you read it thinking Marunae is the speaker, then everyone speaking English becomes confusing and conflicts with the statement. Basically, this is just a line that likely needed a dialogue tag so that the reader knew outright it was Heron speaking.

In summary, I want to clarify that I absolutely do not dislike Marunae or think she's bad or anything like that. I do think she has flaws. I think she is just missing something. She is characterized by her conflict- but there are elements of the conflict that don't feel fully developed or explored. I think narrowing the scope of the scene and focusing on just one of the two eras, would have allowed the writer to better solve some of the criticisms I have above. For instance, the timeskip could have been saved for the story itself- and perhaps the application could have shown Marunae leave with the great family, and possibly ask one of her trainers for a book on Esperanto. It would give the writer a chance to characterize the family, Marunae's opinions of it, and also show her desire to meet Heron again, and to be able to learn more about him. Moving forward, I'd like to see Marunae's duty expounded on more in her early chapters.

But she does have some pretty glaring problems that I think have been fairly overlooked. Personally, I believe that this was not the right scene for her character. It tries to show far too much, and nearly everything feels unexplored as a result. I think narrowing the scope, removing the timeskip, and possibly focusing solely on either Marunae as a child or as an adult, would have allowed the writer to construct a more tightly woven scene that lets the reader learn more about who Marunae is rather than what her conflict is. Moving forward, I would suggest that you keep some of these criticisms in mind, and try to focus on them in your early chapters. Her relationship to Heron is important, but Marunae's relationship with the world is more so. Show me what she believes. Show me her relationship with the rest of the knights and her cadre. Show me what she thinks about the Whitelands and Kastor. It will show me the opposite side of the coin, and ground her conflict.

Like I mentioned at the start of the review, Marunae's kindness makes her inherently likable, but answering these questions increases the odds of her being truly compelling- and be a hero the story truly needs.

[Airan]

I'll be going over Apps individually rather than entire categories at a time. This is just to keep the focus on individual characters, and to keep updates to this thread consistent.

Scorpio, Lord of Rain, Bringer of Floods

"A bloodthirsty member of the Ring is lured into a cavern by a vengeful interpreter whose vows do not allow for him to kill, but those vows did not account for the rain. As the storm brews, Scorpio laughs from high ground as a torrent sweeps his enemy away."


Scorpio is an application that knows what it is and what it wants to do, and it does that one thing very well. At his core, he is the comic book villain- the one who spends their nights scheming not just how to crush the hero, but his spirit as well. It isn't the victory that drives them, but the hero's defeat. And when he's not donning his mask, kidnapping the mayor's daughter, or planning world domination, he doubles as the catcher for the New York Yankees.

With a grunt, the hare let loose another projectile. Without missing a beat, Scorpio caught it.

Jokes aside, I do like Scorpio. He has a clear idea, an inspired scene, and what's written in the application develops it all pretty well. There are also a few concepts that add a bit more intrigue to him, that, in my mind, help elevate him from being not just a cartoon. Let's talk character first. As it's been well established, Scorpio is a villain and, as you'd expect, his personality fits the role.

He's egotistical-

You didn't even consider that a beast of my talents could leave a trail knowing it would be found!

He's arrogant-

"Did you really think that after so many moons on the run I would make a mistake so utterly juvenile?"

And he's absolutely hypocritical.

Don't you see? It was hubris. It always is! You were so convinced, so utterly blinded by your own glory hunting...

Personality alone doesn't sell me on a character, however. No, it needs something else, and thankfully Scorpio provides. See, while it's easy to read his hammy banter and write Scorpio off as JUST a cartoon villain, he does have just that little extra spice that pushes his concept from being simply 'fun' to being intriguing. That being his rules. Due to his vows as an interpreter, Scorpio cannot lie nor can he directly kill. The latter isn't that crazy, the app itself shows us that he's smart enough to orchestrate events and manipulate people to their deaths. But a villain who has to tell the truth? This isn't just a cartoon villain. This is the basis for a trickster god, and it's an immediately interesting concept to me because of the inherent challenges presented by the limitations. There would have to be a LOT of cleverness on the author's part in order to let Scorpio properly manipulate people with only the TRUTH, and it be believable and satisfying. It's mental manipulation that relies on feeding people just the correct amount of information, or giving them truth that feeds off their worst instincts. And if it's pulled off well, I see a lot of potential there for good storytelling and making Scorpio a memorable villain.

That being said, the question arises- what keeps Scorpio from breaking these vows? Is it just his pride? Is it a greater belief or superstition? This is one thing that I really think is missing from the concept, and I do think possibly shortening some of the dialogue would have given you the space to include an answer to this question.

Scorpio's contribution to worldbuilding are the rules stated above as well as a line of backstory that further explains the history of the Interpreters- namely that they're a creation of the Gilas, surprisingly.
--------- and I do wonder if when the hare mentions 'tearing it apart,' if that means that the Ring have essentially destroyed the Interpreters as a concept, and that Scorpio is the last one. With Scorpio describing himself as a vengeful spirit, this theory could hold water, pardon the pun. Alas- all of that is just me guessing.
It's light and is grounded within the rules and narrative established by Vin- and I really shouldn't have to say why Scorpio being a Gila is just an obviously intelligent choice for this reason.

That being said, I do believe that this scene could have incorporated a few changes in order to push the worldbuilding further- simple changes too. The first is that I think it's a missed opportunity to not have made this scene take place at an important location within the Steppes, a named one rather. Currently, they are just at some random ravine when they could have been at the Steppe's equivalent of the Grand Canyon, you know? The second, is that the Ring character could have been used to expound further on their history- as much of what he says isn't too much different than what's stated in Vin's notes. Though it's worth stating that the author may have not wanted to expound on Ring history too much when they weren't writing a Ring.

The writing here is all relatively solid and most of my complaints I have with it are in the nitpick territory- well outside of one thing. For a scene that is very reliant on the environment for its conflict to be resolved, the setting feels very inconsistent and confusing. First- Scorpio is perched presumably in the open air on a tall stone.

Precariously balanced atop the tall rock structures of a closed ravine, Scorpio reached towards the heavens from a clearing in the stone.

Then it starts getting described as a cavern- which immediately gives me the impression that they are in an enclosed environment- especially with the final line of having Scorpio's laughter echoing on the walls. That very much feels like a cave.

Lightning struck the desert and shook the cavern walls. The lizard's voice grew colder.

As the rain pattered down ceaselessly, the lizard filled the cavern with the echoes of his laughter.

So, how'd the rain get in?

I mean, I think it can be assumed that the characters are in the floor of a small canyon of sorts, Scorpio on top of a rock and the hare below him. There's no ceiling, and the water rushes in to fill it as the sand above can't absorb it quick enough. But just be careful with your word choices here. 'Cavern' makes me think it's enclosed so I'm left wondering how Scorpio's plan works. Perhaps 'crevace' would be a better word to use?

Outside of that my criticisms are mostly nitpicky stuff. For instance, making room for a short line of the hare's reaction to the water flooding in would have sold the 'hero's defeat' angle a bit more. And there's enough good things in the writing to not make me linger too much on smaller things like that. For instance, there's a pretty well-established theme of 'superiority' throughout, with the dialogue reflecting the idea, and Scorpio literally being perched on a stone above the hare- seriously the trickster god angle just feels all the more likely. And with the little backstory we get- Scorpio having the 'high ground' could reflect not just a mental superiority, but possibly even a moral one. They're both villains sure, but the Ring almost beams with pride at destroying the Gila's culture while Scorpio is mostly acting in self-defense. Who's the real bad guy here?

All in all, Scorpio is basically everything he wants to do with just a little bit extra to keep him intriguing in my head. He's still a relatively simple concept, and I would have liked to have seen a bit more angles to him, but as I said at the start- he knows who he is. Moving forward- if you were to make it into the contest- I would focus on trying to explore possible different angles of the character. I want to see his quieter moments, I want to see what he's like when he's alone, or when he's not actively being hunted. Focusing too much on the hamminess of his current character will make him stale very fast, and so his big villainous payoff moments should be properly built up to and earned. There's some interesting challenges that come with his ruleset, as well as him being a Gila in a setting where literally one of your 'allied' categories wants you dead. So, keep these in mind and think about how you might solve these challenges.

[Airan]

Ixchel

"A member of the Ring meets with an interpreter named Ixchel to learn the whereabouts of his Gila enemies. He brings an offering, and after she performs a strange ritual involving shadows and stones, Ixchel reveals their location to the hare. Days later, the Ring find their enemies and Ixchel receives a new offering on her door- this time from the Gilas."


Ixchel's application suffers from clarity issues, both in its writing and in the character, and a lack of details that hold it back. Character first-

Ixchel's character is basically what it says on the TIN. She's an interpreter and stays aloof and neutral to the world around her, basically helping anyone who comes to her- whether that be Ring or Gila. She's shown to be confident in her abilities, there's some bits about how her staff reminds her of home, how she feels pride at being correct in her prediction, and her need to make a poultice- but most of this isn't really expounded on or given detail. So as a result, Ixchel feels fairly flat in character. One primary cause of this is that the conflict does not belong to Ixchel, but the Ring- and so there are not many opportunities for Ixchel to make choices, or for the reader to learn what her goals are or what drives her. As a result, she becomes more of a plot device for a different character's story.

What a character 'wants' and 'why' are two of the most important questions that I feel should be answered with any character and not knowing the answers makes it incredibly difficult to become attached to them as a protagonist. For instance- the need to make a poultice is hard to attach to as a reader if I don't know what it's for. The same can be said for Ixchel's home.

Standing up to full height, she'd reach for her staff, carved as it was with strange markings, she smiled as they slightly reminded her of home.

The staff has 'strange' markings, but strange is so vague in meaning that it allows me to attach nearly any picture I create onto it- so the picture becomes muddied. These symbols remind her of home, but because I don't have a clear picture of the symbols, I don't have a clear idea of what Ixchel's home is like. A simple change such as- "Standing up to her full height, she'd reach for her staff, covered as it was with the markings of rolling waves. She smiled as they slightly reminded her of home." Now I have more detail, and I can picture where Ixchel's home might be. It's near an ocean of some sort.

Where the most amount of Ixchel's character comes through is in her ceremony. The stick to catch the light, the stone to guide the shadow, and the coins. It's all intriguing stuff, and something I'd say is definitely inspired. Still, I think it lacks a necessary context to properly let the reader attach to it and understand how it relates to Ixchel's character- versus say, another Interpreter.

For writing I'll try to be quick because I'm just voicing criticisms others have already said- Ixchel can be very confusing to read. Most of this is due to the strange use of 'future' tense- which almost makes it seem as if Ixchel has a narrator following her and describing her actions before she does them. This could be interesting with the right character or to invoke a particular mood or style, but I don't see the benefit here. Secondly, there are a lot of run on sentences, or sentences that contain too many subjects and too many predicates. Try not to overuse commas. Commas are a tool for separating specific ideas so that meaning is not lost- and here I find the comma usage to detract from the meaning. As an example-

It was clear to both what the intent was, as she started to hum a foreign tune, almost musical in melody, as she was going about her arrangements.

The way this sentence is laid out leaves me confused as to what the subject of the sentence is. Is it 'both' or is it 'she [Ixchel]?' The primary verb is 'started to hum.' So, knowing this, we can work out what's important in the sentence and reorganize it where it isn't being lost with too many ideas or details-

"As she started to hum a foreign tune, it became clear to both what the intent was."

Like I said at the start, I find Ixchel's primary problem to be a lack of clarity. I don't quite understand her goals or motives, and what I do understand makes me think she mostly works to fit the archetype of the Interpreter role rather than have her own distinct identity within it. Even if this were not the case though, the writing here is confusing enough to hamper my enjoyment as a reader. If you were to get into the contest, I would say that you should focus- well, ideally on both- but first on your writing and then your character. Read your sentences out loud. If you're having to take too many breaths when trying to read them, it means the sentence is too long. Try to recognize the subjects of your sentences, the verb, and the predicate. For Ixchel's character- expound on the details. I want to know where she's from. I want to know what she wants. I want her to have a conflict and a story to tell.

[Airan]

Gilhert Greysand

"Gilhert Greysand, an interpreter, receives a visitor from the village of Sandsline, who comes with concerns about their crops. They've followed Gilhert's instructions but the crops are not growing to their full potential, yet Gilhert waves the complaints away. His father was murdered for making mistakes, and he is not his father."


In the category characterized by neutrality, we get another villain. A funny coincidence especially seeing that Gilhert is almost the polar opposite of his competition.

While Scorpio was the supervillain, Gilhert is more down to earth- using two very deliberate contrasting tones to help disguise, but not hide, his true nature. He is the conman who preys on hopes. The deceiver. And also probably killed his father. Alternatively- or maybe even concurrently- he is the old, privileged boomer. The one set in their ways. A beast who literally lives within his own secluded world- who can't see the rest of it change around him. It's a lot to look at and it's all quite good for the most part, so let's get into it.

As I stated at the beginning, one of the primary strengths of Gilhert's application is in its two dueling tones- an idea I'd say is carried throughout the application and could be described as its primary theme. There is this welcoming ambiance (and if I were to describe an aesthetic that I imagined during my first reading, it would likely be something like Cottagecore) that encompasses everything surrounding Gilhert- from his homely wife serving everyone lunch, to the 'brightly colored' linens and ceramic dishes of fruit, to Gilhert's overall amicablness when Cyno arrives at their door. There's a reason why when I sketched Gilhert in the discord, it was him in a rocking chair, and not sitting on the floor as described in the app- because of this mood that I felt reading.

But that mood is not entirely the truth of the situation.

The bones of sun-washed stones and desiccated wood beams leaned amongst the shallow scrublands that hugged the sandy plains all around. The dilapidated dwelling appeared forgotten save for a column of smoke drifting from its innards,

found itself standing before the wretched shelter.

Gilhert's house is honestly not very nice- it's just the 'interior' that is. (Normally I might argue that it should be the other way around to better reflect Gilhert's character- that being a nice exterior and a darker interior- but much of the app's storytelling would have to be scrapped with that kind of change, so I'll say this argument doesn't hold water.) The brightly colored linens, the homely wife- while it's all very pleasing- it's all just a mask to hide the unpleasantness of his home- and well, him.

To be blunt, I think this juxtaposition has mad Reynard the Fox vibes, particularly a scene in some tellings where Reynard and his wife trick a messenger of the king into entering their cozy home- and well, they and their children eat him.

Gilhert is pretty well characterized throughout. As I mentioned before, he is the classic conman. He is very inviting and amicable to his guest- his dialogue alone is enough to reflect this but Gilhert also gives Cyno water too once he arrives at the home as another example and even offers him a pillow. He is shown as being very arrogant and dismissive. And his station in the world is made relatively clear throughout. Once Cyno questions him though are when his truer colors begin to show. Now, here's where we get into character interpretation, because, while these previous aspects of his personality are things that can simply be accepted, how you choose to interpret these flaws drastically affects your interpretation of Gilhert's character as a whole.

When Cyno complains that Gilhert's advice doesn't seem to be working, Gilhert first dismisses the claim to his wife and then gets defensive when Cyno doubles down. There are three ways that you can interpret this dialogue exchange. Option A is that Gilhert is the classic conman who very well understands his station compared to Cyno's, and knows that just saying 'well, next year it'll be better' will be enough to reassure the hopes of Cyno and let him maintain his own status. In this version he's a pretty clear morally bad character who doesn't actually care much about Cyno or his problems, so long as he can reassure him enough to continue being rewarded himself. Option B is that Gilhert is the 'privileged boomer.' He's listed as being older than most of the cast, and is so set in his ways and the things that he himself knows, that he can't see why they wouldn't work now. He's prideful and gets defensive when his methods are called into question. And as is described in the application- his home is almost literally in the middle of nowhere with no sightline of any village or anything like that. He quite literally cannot see the rest of the world and there's even a moment where he has to polish his spectacles as if to say that he can't see Cyno's point. And as 'gratitude' keeps him well fed, Gilhert sees nothing wrong with his methods and sees no reason to change or solve problems- because to him there isn't one. Option C- is just a mix of the two, but basically taking away the 'boomer' aspect of his character and instead attributing all of those metaphors in B to just him being a general sociopath. This option lines a bit more up with the morals of the 'probably killed his father' idea. In this version, Gilhert's world is the only thing that matters and he actively knows that he's selling snake oil. So long as people keep bringing him gifts, and they will, Gilhert can maintain a charade where he pretends to give people actual advice and reaps rewards while making excuses for his own failures or acting like he's not actually wrong, it's them who are wrong.

This brings me to one of the few criticisms I have of Gilhert's characterization- and that's this line:

"Your soil is perfectly suitable for the plants, Cyno. If you've followed my watering recommendations, well now, you'll see a bumper crop this year or the very next.

Gilhert never explicitly says what his water recommendations were. Cyno brings up that water is scarce- so it's possible that Gilhert is simply telling him to use more water than they have- but we don't actually know if this is true. By knowing what these recommendations were, I'd have a better glimpse into the full direction for the character. For instance, if he was a true conman- perhaps these water recommendations were all a bunch of nonsense- like, for instance, he suggested Cyno mix their water with some other substance and that would help the plants grow more. That might be a bit silly on paper, but the idea stands and it would further lift the mask of Gilhert's true intentions- though whether that's a good thing or not is entirely subjective. All in all though, this point doesn't actually bother me that much though, because the other ideas surrounding Gilhert's characterization are all fairly concrete and easy to understand. There's a few different ways to interpret his character, but most of them have enough intersection where I'm not necessarily having to reach for them, so I still 'understand' him and can find reasonable ideas for his want, need, and motives.

The last thing I'll say about Gilhert is something I admit is highly subjective and is not a 'criticism' of the character or anything I'm taking points off. Rather this is just intended as an observation. Gilhert is very well characterized but simultaneously he is incredibly small scale. He is at his core a classic con-man archteype and so he doesn't bear a very heavy weight on the world, and as a result, I don't find him to be very exciting. His advice is definitely affecting the villages around him- but in the larger scheme of a war story, Gilhert will definitely need something more to let him have good reach within the politics of it. We know he probably killed his father, but if he did, I want to know how very quickly, because knowing this lets me know just how dangerous Gilhert actually is on his own, and not just with his words. While the secluded home works well for the application, Gilhert should definitely be plucked from it very fast and thrust into a story where he can become a true powerhouse that affects the story. He totally can by the way, and I'm not suggesting he can't, but it needs to be said that Gilhert's villainy is rooted almost entirely in subtlety. And Gilhert I believe needs to shift away from subtlety as the story progresses so that he can have more stage presence and power within the narrative.

Worldbuilding is good for the most part. I've gone into detail already on how the setting reflects the character, but the rest of the world primarily focuses on the geography of a few different villages. It also further develops the changing climate of the South and how it's causing conflict. I like that Gilhert snacks on candied cicadas and, while it's definitely a small detail, it definitely feels inspired. In a similar vein, I think you could have possibly gone into what specifically Gilhert's wife serves the two for lunch, because outside of some kind of soup or stew of some kind, I don't know what it is. What kind of soup do they make in the South? It's a small detail, but it does a lot to make the world feel more real. Lastly, there's this line-

"Now then, Sandsline... That li'l village just east of Barrenborough? I recall it fondly."

While this goes into the geography, I think this line really shows a missed opportunity to develop Gilhert's characterization even more as well as give the reader a picture of Sandsline. Why does Gilhert recall it fondly? What about it is Gilhert fond of?

And finally, writing is solid throughout- I particularly like the way most of the dialogue is written- with my only criticisms really being nitpicks. The opening sentence is very much a collection of 'adjective noun, adjective noun, adjective noun' and could have used some variation. And I think the latter half of the application is absolutely filled with italics- with nearly every other line of dialogue from this point containing some kind of italicized word for emphasis when that emphasis could possibly have been obtained in other ways, or simply not needing it.

All that summarized- Gilhert is overall a solid application with the primary strength being the interplay between the tone of its setting and how it mirrors its character. He is a fairly low-key villain due to his conman nature, but he is very well characterized and it gives me as a reader a very clear understanding of just who he is- outside of a few possible different interpretations that admittedly have enough intersection to where they don't affect my perception. The technical writing is good throughout, and while I think there are a few missed opportunities with the worldbuilding, I think what's there is enough to work within the context of the application. Where I'd like to see Gilhert go is by him having him very quickly lose his mask, because I fear his subtle nature might make him fall into the background of the overall story, and I don't want that for someone so well characterized as a villain. He has almost the opposite problem as Scorpio- who needs to dial things down with slower moments- and instead needs to dial things up so that he can go from a good conman to an exciting one. I've no doubt he can.

[Airan]

Time has gotten the better of me and I had a bit of life troubles take me in that last week leading up to the final vote. Alas, I don't want to leave this thread with only four reviews- so I'm going to try and speedrun the rest of them fairly quickly. I've also done an edit of my Marunae review above, which I think helps to clarify my points on the application. It's shorter and more concise as well.

If you want a longer form critique of your character where I go much more in detail on them- once the anonymity rules have been lifted, you can PM me and I'll certainly be glad to chat with people about them.

Wilder Wapaw:

Wilder to me is a lot of good ideas but with rather poor execution. His character has everything it needs on paper: a want, need, and motivation- he is a rather pathetic oaf who always makes a mess of things and wants to impress the townspeople. But where Wilder particularly struggles is with showing these ideas rather than telling them directly to the reader.

"But that is exactly why I want to impress them!" Wilder huffed. "Look, you have always looked down upon those beneath you- asyoushouldOhHeavenlyBeing-  but I spend every moment of my life being looked down upon. And after so much time at the bottom, I'd like to be on top."

"An' ya need me for dis," Kwetzacoatel summarised, nodding to himself. "Coz yore noffin' alone."

Wilder also has a relatively strong concept- that being he's the chosen one to a giant alligator god, though it never states what he's chosen for. That being said, Kwetzacoatel tends to not really do much interesting within the narrative of the application, so the giant alligator god ends up becoming mostly just used as a soundboard for Wilder to talk to, which isn't that engaging or gripping.

I like the comedic voice the writer has- I especially like the way Wilder randomly injects hopeless praise towards Kwetza into his dialogue. It gives me this very clear cartoonish picture of the character where he just two frame goes from standing to being on his knees, back to standing again.

The worldbuilding is rather sparse, with the village Wilder is trying to impress not given too much character or description outside of the general townspeople's reaction to him.

Wilder to me feels like a general restructuring of the scene could have done the character and concept a lot of good. Perhaps instead of having Wilder already knowing Kwetza in the application, we could have instead read about the circumstances leading to their first meeting. Wilder makes a fool of himself in the town- allowing the writer to characterize both- stumbles away in shame and determination to do better, and then finds Kwetza in a swamp somewhere and realizes this is his IN. Still, despite his flaws, Wilder still has a pretty strong concept overall and decent writing throughout.

Shoklok:

I hold similar opinions of Shoklok as I do Marunae. Basically, there's a lot here and not really the room to fit all of it, and unfortunately, the parts that get lost in the trimming are parts that I think are vital for Shoklok's characterization.

That being said ,Shoklok is pretty dang interesting to me. He's a big gentle giant looking after the orphaned children of different warlords he's killed and teaching them a shared language. However, his flaws become pretty apparent once you realize just how much blank space there is in his characterization. Why is he killing these warlords? It's not directly said. Why is he teaching the children a shared language? It isn't said. Why does he scratch them on the cheek? It isn't said.

This is the first primary problem with Shoklok's application- his character lacks a defined motive, and while not knowing the motive of a character works for some antihero or deuteragonist types, Shoklok is not either of those. He's a POV character and thus, a protagonist. And without a motive, it's very easy for any reader to interpret his actions in whichever way they personally see it. My first read of Shoklok was one of confusion, my second I began to see Shoklok as a sort of 'preschool teacher trying to unify the clans.' Others had different interpretations.

Neither of these were right or wrong which was the primary problem. And similarly to Gilhert, Shoklok's application has a tonal inconsistency. Gilhert's is clearly deliberate and works to the strength of the character, but Shoklok's I'm unsure. The tonal issues in Shoklok's app constantly confuse the motive of the character. For instance-

Shoklok raked a single claw down Bae's cheek. He hissed as blood broke the surface of the cut.

'Raked' is an incredibly harsh verb. It feels vicious and monstrous for a character who tends to also act gentle.

All in all, I do like Shoklok, I do- and would love to read more- but I think a lot of the core parts of his concept are missing and makes me confused as to what his overall concept actually IS. And it's hard for me to buy something when my interpretation of the concept could be incorrect.

Fernando

Fernando is somewhat messy, but similarly to Scorpio and Gilhert- it's an application that knows what it's going for and what it is, and those parts of the application are all handled relatively well. Concept wise, he's probably the most straightforward of the Beastmasters- that being he uses a chant to control the mind of a bison. Character wise- he's an egotistical teenager with incredible ability who is held back by a system that doesn't allow growth once you've been placed in your caste. For some- Fernando's 'unlikability' might make the character not resonate, but flaws are flaws and people aren't perfect- and I think Fernando's flaws give him an interesting prospect when it comes to character growth. I could very easily see this character growing to become more humble and kind after his beliefs are challenged. I could very easily see this character become even more arrogant and vicious as his beliefs are validated.

The only real 'question' I have that's in regards to the storytelling or character, is mostly just being unsure about where the Class system will be now that Fernando has exposed its flaws. Will Fernando enter the story with the system still in place, still held by his chains? Or is he going to enter the story with the Classes basically abolished or changed to allow growth within them?

Most of my 'hotter takes' with Fernando are mostly in the Worldbuilding department. First hot take is: Fernando is probably in the top 3 for best worldbuilding of any app, in my opinion. Fernando further develops the idea of the Beast Master guild, gives it a hierarchy that is impossible to climb, shows us a village and locale, and then has Fernando challenge the hierarchy. It's a little wooden in its delivery- the naming conventions of 'Class 3 Beast Master' feels almost like a video game, so it's almost anachronistic to a certain degree, and I think some of the geography is very much rooted in the real world- but the ideas are there, they're clearly inspired, and that's what matters to me. It is a strong foundation to be built off of. Hot take two is: despite this, I don't really like the Spanish much. I said in Marunae's review that the use of Esperanto added to the 'fantasy' of the application- but I will fully admit that this because I'm unfamiliar with the language. Spanish is something I'm fairly familiar with, and so it actually removes the 'fantasy' of the application for me. It's possible with further development that it could start to work for me- but I suppose it completely depends on how it would be written in the future.

Timbones Oldburrow:

Timbones is vanilla ice cream. He's a tried and true formula that no one really dislikes and has remained popular for eons for very obvious reasons. This isn't me saying that Timbones 'is focus tested' or designed to be appealing. Rather, I'm saying that the archetype of character Timbones embodies IS appealing despite its simplicity. Timbones is the 'good kid', he's always helpful, always kind, and he acts as a bright spot in a harsh world, though not unaffected by it either (see: the missing arm). He takes care of creatures and wants to take care of his family too, but the world is getting harsher and as the South moves to war, it's time for his family to take care of him.

Like I said at the beginning, I like Timbones. Similarly to Fernando, I see his character as having a lot of room for potential growth. Will Timbones be the hero this war needs and heal the nations and end the war in a nonviolent heroic way? Or will Timbones' innocence be challenged by the war itself and lead him down a more cynical path? Despite my like for the character though, most of my criticisms come from how it is shown.

Timbones' application takes place from the perspective of his Aunty Olna and, while I'm normally an advocate for NPC perspectives in applications, Tim is not the kind of character who I think needs it, and suffers because of it. This framing makes it so a lot of Timbones' beastmaster abilities get 'told' to the reader through exposition in the dialogue, rather than shown to the reader.

"Sorry Aunty Olna - I was tending to the death-feigning beetles. Samson seems to have a lame leg."

"Oh does he now? Well that's too bad, it'll have to heal up if you hope to travel with him!

"Ready? Of course not! You never will be. You just gotta start! And I've seen you do great things with what you already know - you care for the beetles, summon snakes, heck you even rode a scorpion once!"

"Yes but its stinger had been removed... and the snakes were just garter snakes."

Both of these are things that when I read them- I wanted to directly see them happen and not be told that they happened. The first in particular. I genuinely think that it would have really improved the storytelling of the application to open in Timbones' perspective as he's tending to the beetles because it would have allowed the writer to 'show' him be a beastmaster- and would have also allowed them to show us how he does it with one arm- and has learned to live with his handicap. And with Samson having a lame leg, well- there are obvious parallels to draw. Afterwards, the application could proceed as normal with Timbones stepping outside to talk to his Aunty. It's a small change, but one that I think would have done wonders for the storytelling.