Reviews

[Airan]

Because boring, straight to the point titles are effective.

Figured someone should make a review thread to critique the already selected judges' picks as well as the audience choices applications, so I went ahead and made one.  From what I can tell, the judges have done well selecting us a good assortment of diverse characters in their picks, and I'm already curious as to how they'll all interact together. (Love them <3) Full critiques on them later.  For now I'm going to worry more on the audience choices, for obvious reasons.  Feel free to comment or add your own reviews if you want to, I didn't add "Airan's" to the title for a reason, so add if you want to.

This is just an announcement currently though, and I'll actually stop procrastinating and read and review the audience choices tomorrow, when I'm not tired/hungry/drawing/playing video games/etc. We've been given a generous time for the voting period, so I'm going to take my time myself, to at least keep the week hopefully eventful, as the boards aren't talkative for some reason.  Stay tuned and good luck to you all.  :)

[Jarrtail]

All right, let?s try this again, after I apply a hot soldering iron to the parts of my computer responsible for deleting my first post?

Audience Choice!

Yves: I really do like the writing style in this one. It reflects Yves? swaggering, above-the-rules attitude very well. On the flipside, the couple of emotional scenes in the app do not flow very well at all. Instead of showing us how Yves feels, the author resorted to simply telling us, and it just doesn?t work. Telling instead of showing is a problem throughout this app, and it is a bit jarring in some places. And I?m not too wild about the character either. Despite what Yves thinks, the jolly, in the open thief character is by no means original, and it?s been done better before. We really don?t get much of a sense of who Yves is, what his motivations are (Okay, he wants to get the door open. Why? is really more what I?m interested in. Is it for the intellectual thrill? Or is there something in there that he wants?). There is a bit of characterization, but it basically boils down to Yves thinking that he?s better than everyone else. Personally, I prefer more complex personalities, and maybe if Yves were to get in it would turn out that he had one. But I don?t see it now.
Verdict: If I was allowed one more vote, Yves would probably be it. I really do like the writing, barring a couple of stylistic quibbles, but the character could use some tweaking.

Simon: Arg. Right at the first sentence this one annoys me. Just from that we know exactly what?s going to happen to the weasel, and it really kills the suspense for the rest of the app. Which is a pity, because it?s actually written quite well, albeit with some humor that is not really appropriate for the subject matter (Cannibalism isn?t inherently funny, any way you slice it. :P ). But the character...arg arg arg. There have been a few cannibals in ROC contests, and at least the ones I have read have all been interesting, complex characters (See: Revel, Brooketail. Brooke?s especially relevant here because the characters are kind of similar, only Brooke has, you know, complex emotions) . Not so much with this guy. And the whole ?Artist Killer? thing is terribly overdone. I mean, we even have another one here in the Judge's Choice. I think that the author is trying to write Simon as an obsessive psychopath, but possibly due to the humor it just reads almost like a parody.
Verdict: Nice writing style. Bad character. I think that this author would clean up in a contest if he chose a better character.

Rexim:
Ah, I like this one. Unlike the last two, Rexim appears to have more than a one-note personality. He?s kind of obsessive about his work, which would normally lead to a very boring, workaholic type character, but he?s also convivial with his friends, appreciates wine, and obviously has a Past. Speaking of which: if the author doesn?t come up with a darn good reason why Rexim looks like he went through a meat grinder, I will rescind every nice thing I said about him. Because nothing?s worse than a pointless, emo past. Just don?t do it. As for the writing, it?s nothing impressive stylistically, but it gets the point across well. Eliminate a couple of extraneous words here and there and you?re golden. One thing that I did like very much was the description of Rexim?s room at the beginning. It tells a lot about who he is and what he does without being too in-your-face about it. And speaking of which: I can foresee there being some problems if two architects make it into the contest, but personally I think it would be a good opportunity to set up a dynamic between Rexim and Tobias. Those two would make excellent rivals.
Verdict: This one has my vote, as long as the author can clean up the writing a bit and make sure that Rexim?s past is not something cliched or stupid.

Dosin: Nice one here too. The character is interesting, and the author shows us his relationship with his mother very well. I already want to see how Dosin handles life away from home, and this story could go in a number of good directions. The writing is great, and gets Dosin?s emotions across to the audience very well. Really nice use of body language to show what the character is thinking. If, as is implied, Dosin is in a *ahem* relationship with some other male, then the author does a fine job of telling us without being overt or making Dosin confirm to any sort of stereotypes.
Verdict: Definitely my vote. This one could make it far.

Clutus: Interesting character. Kind of like a cross between Reese and Prof. Falliss. I like how Clutus feels so superior to the mice, especially the way it is described. It brings back good memories of Matthias meeting the first canon owl, what was his name? Anyway, I also like how the author decided to make Clutus? wings clipped, which shows that despite being wise, he is not infallible if he was foolish enough to get into a situation where someone did that to him. One the other hand...this arbiter character archetype really doesn?t do it for me. He seems really like a static character without a whole lot of room to grow, and that?s a bad thing in contests. Also, the dialogue feels kind of stilted, and I find the decision of Clutus to send the mouse to his death to be kind of out of left field. Although you could take it as a sign of how superior Clutus feels. Still, I find his decision-making process unfathomable.
Verdict: I?m on the fence about this one. Let?s see how the other apps look, then I may revisit Clutus.

And on that note, I am going to take a break and come back to this later. I?ve been typing for a good hour or so now, and I don?t want to push my luck, computer-wise.

[Airan]

Jarrtail's way better at this crap than I am. But anyways, I skipped out yesterday, so I'll make up for it today.  Away we go:

Yves:
Yves was a fun application in the sense of how well the writing was, it's pace matches the character's and the application flows well because of it.  Yves himself isn't too bad of a character, he's fun and entertaining, but as Jarrtail said, his motivation seems... not all there.  Is he trying to break into the door just because he's not supposed to or because there's something he wants in it?  Why is he so keen on disobeying rules? There's a few too many examples.  I'm also going to agree with Jarrtail on the fact that you were very tell not show during your application.  It's not a bad application, I do like the character, and that's usually how I vote, character rather than writing style, so I may come back to this one later. 

Simon

"Even on 50% off days, we don't serve humans in our dishes."

Simon's name and the concept made me think of this line from Simon Brezhnev from the anime Durarara. (If you're into anime, it's pretty sweet, look it up.)  Anyways, onto a review.  Simon is a mixed case for me.  The first time I read it I was kinda like, "alright, a culinary artist who cooks other beasts Sweeney Todd style, not too bad."  The second was more like this, "you know, it's not too bad, but it could have been a lot better."  I actually just did a quick word count check on it, and it hit 533 words which could have let you add a bit more to it, or add more flavorful dialogue or something. 

But the character...arg arg arg. There have been a few cannibals in ROC contests, and at least the ones I have read have all been interesting, complex characters

I will add to this a bit.  Personally, I don't feel as though Simon is complex enough as well, he doesn't seem to have anything that intrigues me to him such as how I currently feel about Tobias.  Also, carrying on with Jarrtail's quote, I'm still wondering if Simon IS a cannibal.  Does he eat it himself, or does he only cook it for others?   Still, I'm not too keen on his character and I just think that there could have been more to it to make it better. 

(The rest will be added later)

[Jarrtail]

Audience Choice Reviews Part Deux!

Tan Pha: Before I get into this app, I want to know what?s up with the name. Is she just an inexplicably Asian monikered character in the pseudo-European world of Redwall, or is there something more complicated going on here? Is suppose if she?s teaching martial arts, that would explain the Asian part, but if she?s an immigrant from pseudo-Asia then why doesn?t she speak perfect English? The app doesn?t really offer us any clues as to this mystery. And while we?re on the subject of things not fitting in, where exactly does this fit in with the actual story? It seems like the author just threw together a random scene without doing any research into the plot of the story first. I mean, the way I?m interpreting this is it?s some kind of training camp for females who have been abused by their husbands, with a possible militant overtone if I understand the line ?When we issue our demands? correctly. Please tell me how this makes sense within the context of the story. And the character?.I think that what the author?s trying to tell us about her is that she?s very kind and wants to help other females, which they actually do pretty well. And that?s it. We learn more about this Raive NPC than the actual character that the app is about. With all the description going on it would be nice if something was spared for Tan?s internal thought processes, but what we have is all specifically related to Raive. No clue as to Tan?s motivations -well, no, not quite, but there?s way to many parts where I have to ask ?Why??.
Verdict: I don?t really get what?s going on here, and it seems way too separated from the story. We barely learn anything about Tan, compared to the personal life of a random NPC. Had this app been about Raive, it might have passed muster. But for Tan it just falls flat.

Alan Blacktip: One word, Alan. SPAG. SPAG SPAG SPAG. Mostly G. There are all kinds of grammar errors in here, from missing commas to excess periods to random double spaces. But as for the character and the writing...they?re actually pretty good. The style?s nice, lots of showing instead of telling, and it conveys emotions well. I especially liked the execution scene. That?s easy to mess up, but Alan pulled it off adequately for the word limit. The character is interesting, and we have a pretty good idea of his motivations and characterizations. The dialogue is where this shows up most distinctly, and the author seems to have a good handle on writing dialogue, which is often a stumbling block. I?m interested to see if this execution of Kurt is something that would be forgotten about when he enters the story or whether it would dog Alan for the duration. Given that he seems to be the type to remember the past, I would say yes. Speaking of which, the brother thing is a bit out there at the end, but it does fit well with the character.
Verdict: My final vote is either this guy or Clutus, and I?m leaning towards this guy because he looks like a character that could grow and develop really well in the story.

Murda Taevas: Present tense. Ow ow ow. Seriously? And the rest of this app isn?t good enough to make up for it. An incredible amount of telling instead of showing, and the character just makes no sense. First we see him helping out his family at work, then he breaks out crying for no obvious reason, and the father comes out with some thing about stories that is so out of place with the rest of the app that I did a double-take to make sure I had read it correctly. As I understand it after multiple readings, Murda was enslaved by Kotir, told stories, and thus made everyone happy. And now he has to tell some family legends, whatever those are. Which weren?t mentioned before and we only have a couple words of shoehorned-in dialogue to know that they?re important. Nevermind that the stories weren?t mentioned until the end of the app though they?re apparently quite significant. And most of the app is spent explaining what?s happening instead of showing it, so we only get two tiny scenes to tell us about Murda?s personality. And his character seems to contradict itself totally, from a competent assistant to a crying child. The only consistency is his somewhat fanatic dependence on his father. Which isn?t even described well enough to be touching, just barely pitiful.
Verdict: No. This one is just? not good. I can?t really find many redeeming features. The app is almost entirely telling instead of showing, and the characterization is all over the place. The bizarre use of present tense is the final nail in the coffin for Murda.

Actually, regarding Murda, I have to be fair: the character might be actually pretty interesting if the author would clean up their act a little. But the writing needs some pretty extreme improvement before that happens.

Aaaand that?s it for the Audience Choice apps. I hope you all enjoy reading these, because it?s the first time I?ve managed to get around to reviewing the complete cast and I quite enjoyed writing them. If time permits I?ll get around to reviewing the Judge?s Picks too.

[Opal]

And while we?re on the subject of things not fitting in, where exactly does this fit in with the actual story? It seems like the author just threw together a random scene without doing any research into the plot of the story first.

To be fair, I did say that apps did not have to take place around the prologue. I trust Tan's author will work her story into the main plot somehow, same as anyone else. Sorry for butting in; just wanted to remind everyone of that. :)

Also wanted to point out that I love that you guys are doing reviews this way, with one thread instead of half a dozen. It's so much less clutter!

[Jarrtail]

I trust Tan's author will work her story into the main plot somehow, same as anyone else.

You're right about that, but my problem wasn't so much that the scene was disconnected from the story as much as the scene didn't fit in with the tone of the story at all. Take Simon, for example. His kitchen isn't specified to be anywhere near the events of the story, but one can still imagine him being integrated into the setting very easily, probably as a cook in Kotir or somesuch. Tan Pha...not so much. While she could conceivably work her way into the story, the whole plot that she's set up wouldn't make much sense in the setting, or would result in a large sub-plot that might distract from the main plotline.

[Airan]

Rexim:

First off, I like the name, it's actually one of my favorite names in the contest though it comes short of just one (Rallentando <3) Second off, I like the application.  It's simple, and very well-done.  The writing is also very good in my opinion and the character himself isn't too bad either.  He seems like a fairly normal, optimistic kinda guy who might have a lot of interesting things happen to him if he makes it into the contest.  Tobias and Rexim would make a fun combo.  Third, there seems to be a bit more to him than what's in the application.  I'm curious as to where he's from, judging by his accent, and I'm also curious as to where his injuries came from.  I'm expecting a bit from this guy, but I haven't decided whether or not he has my vote yet.  Probably yes, but I do need to give the other apps another read through.  So far so good though, and you'll probably get a vote from me.

(I'm gonna finish the rest of the audience choices tomorrow.  Time's gotten the better of me this weekend, but I'll have some time tomorrow.  I'll get the judges' picks on sunday)

[Airan]

Getting off my butt and out of various video games and back into the reviews:

Dosin:
I liked Dosin.  He's another simple guy like Rexim without a gimmick or anything and yet delivers a pretty solid application.  I'm curious about his relationship with this certain individual and I want to know more about him.  I'm wondering what will happen to him in the future, so yeah, vote from me probably. 

(I'll do the rest in the morning, honest)

[Airan]

Clutus:
I don't like Clutus.  I mean, I really don't.  But it's a good kind of not liking, as in, I like to not like him.  The character himself is kind of an a-hole which every contest tends to have and always pulls off pretty good characters.  Personally, while these characters usually turn out somewhat the same, they never stop being amusing to me and I think Clutus would do well in the contest.  I'm also very tempted to vote for him, simply for the reason that Forwing apparently dropped out and I wouldn't mind an owl in the contest, but if I do vote for him, it wont be for that reason.  So yeah, I liked Clutus' application, and I'm wondering if he makes it, what will happen to him?  As Jarrtail said, there's not much room for growth, so if you make it in, prove us both wrong.  For now you've got my vote.

Tan Pha
Tan Pha was one of the applications that when the name was put up, I was really excited about it as she sounded very interesting to me.  After reading through it a few times, I was still left more confused than anything.  For one, I think the application was very rushed, as if I remember right, it was one of the first 6 put up.  Second, the character herself doesn't interest me, as all she is is a helpful, nice little female and from what I can tell nothing more.  She really just doesn't have anything that makes her stand out to me.  The only real thing that interested me was "when we issue our demands" and while that is good, the character herself is lacking in my eyes.  As Jarrtail said, we really needed to see how she felt over Raive and make the app more about Tan, and less about the NPC.  I feel Tan could grow well in the contest, but her application could use some work.

Alan Blacktip
First off, gonna go ahead and agree with Jarrtail on the fact that you need to proofread a bit more.  Your sentences are very fragmented and the grammar of your sentences could use this quick and easy correction:

?If you?re not Ria, go away.?  He yelled.   Looking back toward the bed containing the one patient in the infirmary he winked. ?Special treat for you Konner.?  He said, pouring a glass of ale from a pitcher he?d smuggled upstairs.  ?From the master?s own stash.?  He set it at the sleeping beasts elbow.

A lot of your dialogue is like this.  It's easily corrected however.  If it says someone speaks (he said, she said) , say when you wrote "he yelled" it should be a comma before the quotations with a lowercase h in he, instead of a period.  However, his last line of dialogue in this paragraph was correctly done, with a period instead of a comma when it doesn't say he speaks.  Hopefully you understand what I said.

Anyways, onto the application.  The first time I read it, I read it really fast for some reason, and had no idea what was going on because of how many characters were being added and the setting being changed, etc.  I read it again, far slower this time, and understood it way better that time luckily.  From what I can tell, I really like Alan.  He's got a nice character, an already semi-established backstory (his brother's in a coma possibly?) and he's got tons of room for growth.  Alan is an example of a very good character put into a cluttered application, but I'm more of a sucker for good characters than writing styles or whatever.  Alan, you've probably got my vote.  Just work on your grammar a bit and be sure to start adding some descriptions to things.  Do that, and you'll go pretty far probably.

Murda Taevas

Ugh, present tense.  I've never really liked present tense, it forces the writer to tell instead of show and makes whatever novel or book being written far less interesting.  The character himself is kind of odd to me.  I really just didn't understand what he was about.  Is he meant to be scared of his father for some reason?  Or perhaps, he's meant to follow his father's footsteps and become an architect as well and telling stories would be a distraction from that? I just didn't really understand what you were trying to write here. With that and the present tense writing, I'm gonna have to say no.

---

From my reviews, I'm going to probably vote for Alan Blacktip, Dosin, and either Clutus or Rexim.  Good luck to you all.

Alright, I'm done. I'll review the judge's choices if I get a chance to later today.