This is my thread. (Reviews, yo.)

[carelesswhisper]

Chokk!

I can't help feeling you're going a little exclamation point happy.  Occasional emphasis is good, but I think you could safely tone down on those.

?Never thought I?d see the day when I?d side myself with a flesh eater.? The beaver whistled between his teeth as the woodlanders slipped inside the fortress.

I had to giggle, because the whistling made me think of Gopher. 

?Yes sir, Mr. Wulgar! Ready as they?ll ever be. I some are willing to fight with you, but others are too afraid.  ..."

I think you accidentally a word?  I don't mean to nitpick, but I'm noticing a few minor errors throughout, and a little extra editing would clear it all up. 

The last line is great, but I would have liked it even more if you didn't use the exclamation point.  I really liked this post, though; I enjoyed how you moved the story along in your very first post, as opposed to just moving Chokk into place.  Actually, I think all of the contestants so far are doing pretty awesome at moving the plot along, despite having to introduce your character into the story at the same time.  Cupcakes for all of you. 

[carelesswhisper]

Luka!

You're missing punctuation here and there; mainly periods and commas.  It's not a huge issue, but I find myself focusing more on proofreading than the actual story.  

Dull eyes glanced up from his stomach, locking on his open closet door.

I feel like you could have worded this a little more carefully and avoided making it sound like his stomach has eyes.  

...I can't tell if the post is confusing or if I'm just super tired.  I'm going to finish reading and reviewing, but I'll come back and read it again in a couple hours and see if I can follow better.  In my haze, however, I'm really confused as to why he wants to fight with Alan. - ramblings of a crazy tired whisperer

That's my main beef, I think.  It was hard to follow, I got confused often, and I felt like there wasn't enough explanation.  Again, I will reread it in a couple hours and post again if need be, and I apologize if I'm completely wrong about everything.

[carelesswhisper]

Luka, Take Two

I am so sorry ;_; it's making so much more sense this time.  I'm not allowed to review when I'm sleepy anymore.  

I would have liked a little more detail on the attack.  I mean, there was plenty of buildup, so it wasn't hard to extrapolate, but until near the end, I wasn't sure if it was carried out by the slaves or some other group.  I really would have liked to read the moment when everything began; I almost felt like you were recapping something that took place in someone else's post, simply because of the lack of detail and the focus on Luka's personal feelings/perceptions.  

I'm enjoying your style this time around, though.  I think you could stand to be a little less subtle and include more narrative, rather than focusing so exclusively on Luka's thoughts.  

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Tara!

I hope you don't mind I'm reviewing. 

I really liked that you built up to the discovery that they were outside Dark Forest without being too overt; I realized it before we actually got to the reveal, but it was very nicely done.  I also love your word choices. 

The only real critique I have is this: 

Luka remained numb. With half open eyes, the fox examined his claws. "A lowly cook...Everyone keeps saying that," he murmured, resting his cheek on his paw.

It was jarring to jump to Luka's point of view all of a sudden. 

Otherwise, I really enjoyed this.  Definitely not the twist I was expecting! 

[carelesswhisper]

Rousseau

I got excited when I saw that the next post was by you. 

I really like how you personify nature.  The sunlight peeking curiously into her room, for instance. 

I'm kind of curious to know if Rousseau lets others' opinions influence her own.  She believes everyone hates her - does she hate herself? 

Not a lot else to say.  I liked the exchange with Clutus and I'm falling in love with Rousseau as a character. 

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Tobias

He awoke with a surprised grunt. Toby took the chair opposite to him. Rexim took a few seconds in adjusting his eyes, and when they passed over Toby, they narrowed. ?What are you doeeng here??

This was a little confusing.  The context helped, but it might have worked better to just say "Rexim awoke with a surprised grunt", rather than using "He" and making it unclear which one was waking up.

I liked this post.  I like that Toby seems depressed - I'm really interested to see where that leads.  This in particular intrigued me: 

He brushed her arm off and stopped. ?Yes, I?m fine, I?m still waking up.? He wished he never did.

You've successfully gotten me invested in Toby's future, and I want him to go far. 

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Rallentando

I kinda like that Ralle is the only one so far who doesn't immediately jump to the conclusion that the whole dying thing was a dream. 

From that point on, Rallentando was able to listen before acting. Breakfast preparations went along swimmingly, though after all this time neither of them could make oatmeal that wasn't all sticky and gooey.

Super minor nitpick, but oatmeal is supposed to be sticky and gooey! 

Otherwise, this post was ace.  Ralle is adorable, your writing is fun and interesting, and I love how you keep having her make the mistake of showing how much she knows.

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Alan

You're missing commas occasionally; it doesn't seem as well edited as your first post.  I feel like you're more into the story and at ease, though, and that's great. 

I'm pleased to see everyone together and (on the surface) willing to work together.  I'm interested to see if anyone decides to betray the others!  Alan seems to be pretty hated, so it'll be cool to see if he gains respect or simply sinks lower in the others' opinions. 

I think if you just keep doing what you're doing, you'll continue to improve. 

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Chokk

I enjoyed the writing, but I was really disappointed that the majority of your post was recap.  I'm not fond of recap, and while you didn't do a bad job of it (not including every single line of dialogue from everyone else was a great choice) I didn't feel like you added anything really relevant by covering those particular events over again.  I think you could have more successfully had a paragraph or two at the beginning that summarize Chokk's confusion and dismay at the turn of events.  

I also felt a little bit like the main point of the post was to upstage Alan (I'm not saying this was your intent, but to me it came across like that.)  While this in itself is not bad (it's a pretty well-known fact that writing a plot-driving character who can keep a leadership position is your best bet for survival) I felt like it was a little too obvious to be graceful.  Still, kudos on directing the action.  I think if you had focused on continuing the story instead of reliving part of it, your post would have been stronger, and it wouldn't have felt so much like an attempt to redo Alan's post but with Chokk ultimately taking charge.  

I like how I definitely feel Chokk as a beaver.  He's not just some character who could be made into some other species without a problem.  This is essential to writing any species, but especially, I think, when writing a rarer one, like you're dealing with.  Well done on that.

[carelesswhisper]

Clutus

Still a few editing slip ups.  Not a big deal, though, and I won't mention it again; just know that spending a few extra minutes to proofread your post is never a bad idea.  I find myself mentally editing a lot when I should be focusing on the story and character.

In other words, time was like a ball of wibbly, wobbly, timey, wimey clay, and that clay was being molded by Vulpez himself.

:D awesome.  Very Pratchettesque.  

?Those lights are drains.  Every drain and sewer in the castle leads to this place, and that was my idea.  Don't believe what Forst tells you.?

Would have appreciated a dialogue tag with this line.  I'm assuming it's Rexim, and you ended up with words that don't require re-spelling to accommodate his accent.  

I don't know if you or Rexim wrote Rexim's dialogue for this post, but his accent is extremely inconsistent.  

I liked this post.  You moved things along and the scene where he ate the water rat thinking it was Rousseau was cool.  My only real qualms are that I wish Luka had been a little more present, and I still think you could have turned up the narcissism a little more.  

[Clutus]

Thanks for all the critiques and advice.  SPAG has always been a trouble spot of mine.  I thought a year of college english had helped me, but obviously I need to work on it a little harder.

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In other words, time was like a ball of wibbly, wobbly, timey, wimey clay, and that clay was being molded by Vulpez himself.

awesome.  Very Pratchettesque.

Actually, it was a Doctor Who reference, but I'm glad you liked it anyway.

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?Those lights are drains.  Every drain and sewer in the castle leads to this place, and that was my idea.  Don't believe what Forst tells you.?

Would have appreciated a dialogue tag with this line.  I'm assuming it's Rexim, and you ended up with words that don't require re-spelling to accommodate his accent. 

I don't know if you or Rexim wrote Rexim's dialogue for this post, but his accent is extremely inconsistent.

That was entirely my fault.  Never have been much good with accents, which is why I've always avoided writing accented characters.  Unfortunately, I no longer have that luxury.  I'll be sure to give accents special attention from now on.

I'll work Clutus's narcissism a little more too.  Thanks for your input, and as I said before, thank you so much for all the reviews.  It really helps.     ;D

[carelesswhisper]

And I've probably seen that Dr. Who episode, too.  *shame*  Oh, and: the narcissism.  If you feel like you have it where you want it, then stick with that!  I personally would turn it up, but he's not my character, and I don't know what's best for him, so stick to your guns if need be.   ;) 

I'm having a blast reading the story, and I already feel like all the characters are my favorites. 

[Rallentando]

Of course! Everyone's seen Blink!

Oatmeal IS supposed to be sticky and gooey... the sticky and gooey I had in mind is more like dried and chewy. :P I like it milky. 

Thank you for the reviews!

[carelesswhisper]

Chokk

Random observation: you sound young.  This makes me happy.  Survivor contests lately have been overrun with veterans, and it's awesome to see writing styles I don't instantly recognize. 

The words echoed around the room and into Chokk?s mind. He felt himself coming apart from the inside out. This was all crazy! How could he have died and returned to life a week before? It just did not make sense. On top of this he was in company with vermin! Siding with them! Asking them for help to save their own rotten fortress! His head nearly split as these thoughts coursed through his mind.

This.  I love this.  I feel like there's been a mild lack of turmoil over the fact that vermin and woodlanders are being forced to work together - it's there, I just would like it better emphasized, as you've done here.  Thank you.

Not much else to say, except that I feel like this  post definitely redeemed your last one. 

[carelesswhisper]

Rousseau

I liked how you handled the fight scene by focusing on Rousseau's train of thought rather than every single thrust, parry, and blow. 

I don't really have a whole lot to say, other than the ending was good.