This is my thread. (Reviews, yo.)

[carelesswhisper]

Alan

I'm kind of noticing a pattern; I don't remember if your middle post had this, but your first and third start with an opinion of Alan's.  While I do think it's cool to get his observations on life, and it's generally humorous to read, I think you might benefit from varying it up now and then. 

I'm loving that he basically throws a tantrum and stomps off in a huff. 

and ohhhhhh.  Reliving the events of the app was genius. 

I really liked what you did in this post.  The plot didn't move immensely, though the new clues at the end were great; but there was some pretty cool character development going on that I really enjoyed. 

[carelesswhisper]

Tara

:( Luka.  It's always hard to be the first one out, and for whatever reason you weren't able to do your own death post, I'm sorry.  I hope you try for the next one. 

To Tara: I felt like you did a good job of getting into the character and finishing things in a way that made sense for Luka. 

[carelesswhisper]

Last thoughts on Day One: 

Rousseau: keep making pretty descriptions that make me happy.  Also, try to find some ways to be more present and involved in the plot; you're one of my favorites, and I want you to go as far as you can.  Your writing and character can take you a long ways, but if you don't make yourself crucial to the story, there's a chance that it won't be enough.

Alan: go all out.  Hold nothing back!  I feel like comic relief might not be your true calling; I'm not saying go all heavy and serious, but don't be afraid to keep trying drama and character development instead.  It really worked well for you in your third post, and while you don't want to do that every time, it immensely helped my opinion of Alan as a character. 

Tobias: if he is indeed depressed, I would love more hints at that.  I really like the style of your writing, though, and the vibe I get from your posts.

Clutus: LOVE YOURSELF.  Also, I think it'd be totally cool if Clutus found some way to betray the others.  It just strikes me as something he'd do.  I obviously don't know what direction everyone plans to take the story in, but I definitely want Clutus to take an active role in things. 

Rallentando: keep being adorable and I might have to draw you.  Also, pretty much what I said to Rousseau.  Your character and writing are going to take you a long way, but make sure you're important to the story as well.

Luka: I hope it's not offensive to give you some last thoughts.  I felt like you did have promise, and I'm sorry to see you go.  Next time you're in one of these, I'd suggest being a little more clear and including more details in your narrative.  I think you had some really cool character ideas, though, and I hope to see you write again!

Chokk: keep being a leader, but find another way to make Chokk crucial to the story - whether it's character development, intriguing subplots, comic relief - anything you can think of that will work for Chokk and the story.  You could definitely pump up the antagonism toward Alan more.  Or perhaps one can blackmail the other and they make a grudging truce! 

Rexim: I don't know if you were really busy during the writing period or had real life get in the way, but at least two posts a week is standard.  I don't want to see you go just because you didn't write enough!  Two small posts are better than one big one, in my book, and the more often you post, the more present you will be in the story.  I'd like if you found some ways to make Rexim more crucial; the secret tunnel is cool, but now that everyone knows about it and how to get to it, it's less "yours" and more of a general story thing.  Rexim needs to hold some kind of power over the situation.  I also think you could probably do well amping up the humor a little, if you feel comfortable doing so. 

NOW HURRY UP YOU GUYS AND GIVE ME MORE TO READ, GAW

[Opal]

Aww reviews for me? Awesome! I just hope I did Luka's character justice. And on the POV thing, I sort of let the contestants write their bits of dialogue and reactions to things, and I tried to keep it fairly omniscient. Guess I goofed there. Oh well! Glad you liked the twist. Ever since my husband came up with the idea last summer we've just been DYING to tell people what it was. :D

[Rexim]

My lack of post was because of a RL emergency preventing me from getting on the computer for the entirety of Thanksgiving week. I'm terribly sorry about that, and I'll make sure if doesn't happen again.

[Tobias]

Thank you thank you for the reviews! I'm glad you want to see more of Tobias, and I'll try to show a little more of his thoughts in future posts. As to my first post, I did not give it a final read-through, so thanks for catching those errors so I don't do that again.

[carelesswhisper]

Rexim:  Completely understandable, and I don't hold it against you at all.  Just being able to post more often might completely clear up all the suggestions I had for you. 

Tobias:  The SPAG is honestly not a big deal.  Unless something absolutely horrendous comes up in someone's post, I don't plan to mention it again.  I am very excited to see what you (and all the other writers!) bring in Day Two.

[Rousseau]

2nd post comments:  Thank you again for reviewing and being so fast about it.  Again, I'm happy that people are reading this, and you've been making me excited to check the board everyday.  Anyways, I'm glad you like my descriptions of things as I'm personally trying to write Rousseau like an actual artist would, making her give overly flowery descriptions and personifying nature for example, and I'm also happy that you were excited to read my post :P As for this-

I'm kind of curious to know if Rousseau lets others' opinions influence her own.  She believes everyone hates her - does she hate herself? 

I won't go into details about this, but I'm glad you came off with this feeling, as it was something I was hoping to achieve.  She does somewhat let others opinions affect her, but half the time, because she already believes these opinions are fact. 

3rd: Yeah, I ended up taking this post to finish up the tunnel exploration sideplot mostly because Rexim and Luka were unable to post, but yeah, I'm not too good at writing flashy action scenes, and so I focus more on what a character is thinking during the fight, as I like that more in books than drawn out "and then he swung" "he blocked the blow" montages. 

And the final thoughts:  Thank you for your compliments, and I'll be sure to try to get myself involved in the plot more.  I do want to stick around for as long as possible, and again, I'm glad you like me :)

Thank you again for these reviews.

[Chokk]

Thanks very much for your reviews  ;D

As far as redoing Alan's post that's because I'm new at this and it took me a while to figure out that when someone includes you in their post you don't actually have to write a whole post to mirror theirs. I do not want to try to upstage anyone. Just want to make that clear  :)

The quote error with what Ralle was saying was because I copied and pasted what she wanted me to write her character saying and a cut it wrong  :D silly me.

Anyway, Thanks again for your reviews.

[Luka]

Luka!

You're missing punctuation here and there; mainly periods and commas.  It's not a huge issue, but I find myself focusing more on proofreading than the actual story.  

Dull eyes glanced up from his stomach, locking on his open closet door.

I feel like you could have worded this a little more carefully and avoided making it sound like his stomach has eyes.  

...I can't tell if the post is confusing or if I'm just super tired.  I'm going to finish reading and reviewing, but I'll come back and read it again in a couple hours and see if I can follow better.  In my haze, however, I'm really confused as to why he wants to fight with Alan. - ramblings of a crazy tired whisperer

That's my main beef, I think.  It was hard to follow, I got confused often, and I felt like there wasn't enough explanation.  Again, I will reread it in a couple hours and post again if need be, and I apologize if I'm completely wrong about everything.

Trust me ? if anything ? this review was the most accurate, rather than your second. You weren't the only one confused and I'm sure you weren't the only one that spent more time proofreading than anything. I should have spent more time on the post, but I had questions that were unanswered and had no idea where to expand without causing issues, so I tried to remain vague just in case. Definitely my fault though so no need to apologize in your second review! Thanks for your words though, they are appreciated.

Luka: I hope it's not offensive to give you some last thoughts.  I felt like you did have promise, and I'm sorry to see you go.  Next time you're in one of these, I'd suggest being a little more clear and including more details in your narrative.  I think you had some really cool character ideas, though, and I hope to see you write again!

I agree one hundred percent and thanks again for the comment on the character ideas. Thank you so much for the review by the way! You've done a great job with everyone's reviews and I agree with your points to a 't'. Don't stop doing what you're doing.

Aww reviews for me? Awesome! I just hope I did Luka's character justice. And on the POV thing, I sort of let the contestants write their bits of dialogue and reactions to things, and I tried to keep it fairly omniscient. Guess I goofed there. Oh well! Glad you liked the twist. Ever since my husband came up with the idea last summer we've just been DYING to tell people what it was.

You portrayed Luka perfectly. Honestly, even before I knew he was going to die, I felt that when/if he would die, that there would be a ton of chess references. Heck, I even knew "Checkmate" was going to be the title. As such, when you made the references, the title, and had him go out that way, my heart lifted. Tara, thank you so very much for subbing the way you did. It's absolutely flawless?to me at least?and I'm really happy you were able to do it for me.


To the contestants:

I want to go more in depth here, but as usual, time is not on my side. Keep up the great work guys. I'm enjoying reading everyone's work and wish you all the best of luck in the competition. You're all fantastic writers, worthy of writing books one day. I look forward to seeing how you all progress. Now that things are finally settling down, I've begun to work on a present for all of you for the holidays that I hope you all will enjoy!

-Luka

P.S

I promise it hasn't been spit on.

[carelesswhisper]

XD Well, to be honest, I had just taken a couple benadryl before that first review, and I really honestly did understand most of the things much better the second time around.  I could hardly READ the first time. 

Also, I'm starting to feel all special or some stuff.  STOP COMPLIMENTING ME GUYS, IT'S GOING TO MY HEAD.

[Chokk]

Did we forget to mention that we love your reviews and think you're great  ;D

[carelesswhisper]

Oh, you. 

And also, I missed your earlier post, Chokk - thanks for the clarification.  I hope you didn't feel like I was accusing you with the "upstage" comment; I understand now why you did what you did, and I definitely didn't get the same vibe from your last post.  It was just a little twinge I got when I read that middle one. 

[carelesswhisper]

Rallentando

"...First thought: Crepitating: what does this mean? Involves creeping, or pancakes? Unsure. Note to ask Pop-pop next visit. Until then, mustn't speak the word aloud. Could be naughty."

I nearly died.  That was utterly awesome.

Both of them didn't say a word about what happened in the pantry.

I don't know if this is technically wrong, but I think it's smoother to say "Neither of them said a word". 

You're excellent at character interactions.  I don't know if you guys are collaborating on the dialogue or if belongs to the writer in question, but either way, it's working very well. 

I really think it's adorable how things just kind of happen around Ralle and she doesn't take part, but at the same time, it worries me.  If it doesn't make sense for her to have an active role in the main plot, maybe a good subplot?  One of the others could trick her into being their spy or something?  I don't know.  I loved the post, but I'm having difficulty seeing Ralle break out of her current role.  Then again, you could prove me wrong, and just rock it for all its worth! 

[carelesswhisper]

Rousseau

I must have misspelled your name about five times before I got it right.  I blame the blinking LED lights all around me. 

I love that Rousseau feels so guilty about Luka's death; I also love how this is shown pretty subtly through dialogue rather than a mental monologue. 

I'm really happy to see Rousseau taking more of a lead role while still retaining her insecurities.  I especially like that she seems to be set on proving others' opinions of her wrong, and has this blustering exterior, but at the same time, she doubts herself. 

I felt like the motion of the plot in the first half was a little forced... it could have just been that Rousseau didn't really get why they were taking certain actions (requesting an audience with Tirian and Kovari) and the way it was conveyed made me feel a little like you weren't sure why they were doing those things.  This is like, the tiniest little nitpick with it, though, and I wouldn't worry about it - it could honestly just be that I'm a bit distracted while reading. 

The ending was great.  I really like how you balance introspection and action.