This is my thread. (Reviews, yo.)

[carelesswhisper]

Rexim

...somehow, I forgot it was winter.  I could almost swear that in someone else's post, they described a summery meadow.  I probably just assumed this, though, and didn't read carefully.  This is not your error, by the by, just something that kind of jolted me and made me realize that, hey, it's winter.  

Mossflower in winter was as beautiful as a distant female and as treacherous as a near one ...

This is beautiful.  

The dialogue is so much better than in your last post.  It feels natural, it has some really nice humor, and I'm not getting a forced feeling at all.  Well done!  I also feel that Rexim is a lot more likable here.  

The fox pulled out of his reverie and looked around. He noticed that the ground level vegetation was thickening and the ground was becoming reluctant to give up his boots.

Just a nitpick for clarity - how cold is it?  When the ground hasn't frozen, the snow tends to be very sticky and shallow; usually no more than a few inches (unless it's just snowed and hasn't had time to melt down yet.)  If there's heaps of more dry, powdery snow sitting around, then the ground would be frozen through and the muddy parts should be solid to walk on.  If it's early winter, what you wrote makes sense!  I'm just having difficulty with getting a grasp on when things are taking place.  

I liked this post.  You moved things along, and everything was very improved.  

[Rexim]

I'm very glad that you liked my post, and I'm especially happy that you think I improved on the dialogue. I hope that I can keep impressing you with my future posts!

Regarding your question about the winter: Tara clarified waaaay back before the contest started that it was early winter or late fall. Here's the link to the relevant thread: http://redventure.swifthost.net/forums/index.php?topic=421.msg6811#msg6811

Thank you for your review!

[carelesswhisper]

Alan

?Rabbit, if you get that notebook out one more time I?ll make you eat it!? Alan glared at the girl who timidly tucked her notebook away in her pouch.  

Very small nitpick, but using "female" instead of "girl" tends to be preferred when writing Redwallian things.  Of course, you can be a rebel!  But it does flow a little smoother when everyone else is writing the other way.  I noticed you do it with "child" instead of a more animal term as well.  

I like Mirdros.  I think he should show up more.  

Ending is great.  Suspense!  

[carelesswhisper]

Regarding your question about the winter: Tara clarified waaaay back before the contest started that it was early winter or late fall. Here's the link to the relevant thread: http://redventure.swifthost.net/forums/index.php?topic=421.msg6811#msg6811

Okay.  Everything makes sense then, and once more, I have not paid enough attention.  :P  Carry on!

[carelesswhisper]

Ahhh!  I'm so scared I won't have time to read everything before tonight ;_;  I shall do my level best, though!

Chokk

At first, I was unsure of the necessity of the flashback, but at the end, it was great - adding a new subplot is always good!  I do wish it hadn't been so long, though.  I feel like you could have cut out some of the pursuing and such and cut to the chase a bit faster, but that's just me. 

I like how Chokk not only blames Alan for Twinepin's betrayal, but also for his own choices and actions in killing Twinepin.  While the blame is misplaced for his own actions, it's a nice touch, because I think most people really would react like that. 

"Alan, what the 'gates are you doing?!" Tobias ran towards the pair.

Small nitpick; I realize that "'gates" is about the only curse word you can use, but it feels awkward here - I feel like "In the name of 'gates" would have been better.  The way it is, it's just so obviously a replacement for THE OTHER WORD. 

Overall, very nice movement in this post, and I feel like you've done a fantastic job making Chokk an even more important member of the cast. 

[carelesswhisper]

Clutus

The first paragraph has me shivering and covered in goose bumps.   :D

...I just realized that I read all of Clutus's dialogue in Stewie's voice (from Family Guy.)  This... this is actually pretty sweet.  

Sorry I don't have much else to say; I loved this post.  I love that everyone is doing such a great job at keeping things suspenseful and interesting, and I hope this trend continues.  

[carelesswhisper]

Tobias

I like how levelheaded Toby is.  It's a nice change from Alan and Chokk tearing at each other's throats.  

TO EVERYONE:  Don't think I haven't noticed this crepitating conspiracy.  I'M ON TO Y'ALL.  

The mink wondered why they needed to be in a place where you had to swim through ice-water to enter only to experience half an hour of battling hypothermia and five minutes of planning, and then exit in the same miserable method. They were being cautious, he supposed. He hoped they didn?t have to be cautious for much longer.

Part of me wonders the same thing.  I hope this isn't mean, but I feel like some of the planning for this week has been a little clumsy - some of the things the cast ended up doing just seem a bit aimless.  It doesn't deter me from reading, but I'm hoping things come together a little bit more smoothly in future weeks.  

I feel like your main hook right now is that Toby is extremely likable and easy to identify with.  I really enjoy the change of perspective that I get from all of your posts.  I also especially like this for some reason:  

The architect got off the bench, stretched out on the floor, and closed his eyes. He could stay here, in this hut, and fall asleep if he wanted. It was warm, isolated. He relished the feeling. Toby wasn?t sure whether he liked today or not. On one paw, the exploration of the woods and the encounter with the water rats touched a deep happiness founded in his continual yearning to become anything he hadn?t been for the last several seasons. But on the other paw, there was the inability for anybeast to work together. He couldn?t understand it. What they were doing is like building a building. You have directions, you follow them, and the building gets done. Granted, their instructions were a little unclear, but that didn?t mean everyone could go for each others? throats?

It was a nice bit of introspection, and for some reason, the line "Toby wasn't sure whether he liked today or not." really hit home for me - it's exactly the sort of thing I find myself doing when I have some time alone in the evenings.  Mulling over the day and wondering if it was all worthwhile or not.  

[Rousseau]

TO EVERYONE:  Don't think I haven't noticed this crepitating conspiracy.  I'M ON TO Y'ALL.

HE'S ON TO US!! HE MUST BE SILENCED!! :P

[carelesswhisper]

Chokk

:( I did not see this coming. 

I think you did a great job of making the death and the events leading to it make sense for Chokk as a character.  I know sometimes it's really hard to figure out how to orchestrate a death, but this worked well.  His emotional turmoil is perfect. 

The only thing I can think of that might have counted against you in this week is that your writing still needs a little polish SPAG-wise.  I think you had a good character concept, and you were doing very well at taking a leading role. 

I think my favorite part was the last line.  It was just the perfect touch.  Well done, Chokk, and I hope to read your writing again.

[carelesswhisper]

Rousseau

?Took him long enough,? Alan said, tainting the duo?s silence with the unwanted smudge that was his voice.

:D

I feel like I sometimes go too gooey over your descriptions, but honestly.  They are so spot on for an artist.  

AHHH THE END.  

All I can say.

All I can say is you had better not kill Mirdros *sob*

EDIT:  Also, and I feel really bad about this, but I realized that my reviews for you are usually like two lines long, and I PROMISE I will try harder to find things to say next time.

[Rousseau]

Haha! No worries.  I'm just still glad that we have you and Nallmian reviewing this, whether 2 lines or 200, it's all good.  As for Mirdros, nah, we won't kill him just yet, Rouss isn't that heartless to just kill a kid, but we do have plans for him and so get ready for some fun.  That's all I'll say for now.  But, again, thank you for reviewing and being so quick about it :)

[Chokk]

Thank yahs for reading poor Chokky's death post   :'( I had a great time writing him and I'm glad you enjoyed reading. Yep, SPAG has always been hard for me...  ;)

[carelesswhisper]

Phew.  I was all worked up there for a moment.  I'm normally not a sucker for child characters, but I am excited for this one. 

Not at all, Chokk!  I really was surprised to find out that you were voted out this week; I thought Chokk's leader status would carry you quite a bit farther.  SPAG problems are probably the easiest to fix, imo, so I think you've got a pretty promising future in front of you, writing wise.  ;)

[carelesswhisper]

Yey, new posts!  Just in time for me to have less time to read them.  :D  (Also, I am totally badass.  I just got two picky kids to eat maccaroni from scratch ((AND LIKE IT)) when they've never had it any way but out of a box.  PHEAR MEH.)

Rexim

I'm usually a fan of starting a chapter/post/story with dialogue, because it tends to start things off with a bit of a bang, but in this case, I really would have liked a little bit of narrative - someone actually glancing around to see who all was there together or something.  It's obvious what's going on, but it still feels a bit disjointed. 

I know I promised I wouldn't ever comment on SPAG again, but I believe "in-proportionate" should be "disproportionate".  I'm letting you off because Rexim is Forrin and maybe he thinks in incorrect English.  :P

A ferret?s head appeared over the battlements. ?Where have you lot been? I thought you were dead.?

?Not quite. But eef you do not opeen the gates we might be soon. There may be a bunch of angry rats followeeng behind us??

:o I just realized, what if the ending is a trick, and the only reason that everyone died is because the 8 have ALWAYS gone back in time and angered the water rats and that's the only reason they attacked in the first place!!!!!

?The wolves are relatively intelligent beasts.  I have no doubt I can appeal to their logic, and at least convince them to spare most-?

?Clutus, shut up. Toby, what do you think??

SO AWESOME.

My one overall comment is that whenever you're writing the group of main characters together, you leave Rexim's head.  I almost forget whose post I'm reading, because there's no way to tell who I should be paying the most attention to.  It's never a problem when he's alone, so I don't think it should be hard for you to fix in future posts. 

[carelesswhisper]

Alan

The title alone has earned my love and adoration.  I just reread that book recently, too!

I feel like Alan is becoming a little one dimensional.  Yes, it's funny that he's always whiney and wants his way and is a meanie to everyone else, but it's not great that he is always predictable.  I'd like to see him do or say something unexpected.  I'm also kind of getting the vibe that even though he's outwardly a jerk, I have no clue what's actually happening in his head.  You're very good at conveying his emotions through his actions, but I think you could afford to be a little less subtle and actually give us a peek into his thoughts now and again.  

Through Alan?s mind flashed the image of two glowing red eyes, and his own words returned to him.

?I?ve been a captain for three seasons now, and I?ve seen what our esteemed masters are capable of.  Would you have had me put him up for trial, and turned him over to the mercies of our great overseer under Lord Tirian?  I spared him weeks of solitude alone in a cold cell, followed by Vulpuz knows the intensity of the torment that Yvo can dish out.  And you dare to question my authority concerning the promotion of a very promising young beast instead of putting forth your disgusting and self proclaiming carcass.?

I'm not sure if the dialogue is supposed to be a flashback, or if he's actually saying it again?  

He pulled open the loose edges and stared hard at the greeting that started the flow of words.

My dearest Alan,

The mink crumpled the paper up in his paw and put his head down on the desk.

Blast them all.

This is probably my favorite bit you have written thus far.  

I love the ending.  Ah, the irresponsibility.