I'm Reading in the Right Direction Now!

[tdcpresents]

As a preface, yes I started reading day 1 from the top and thought it was the most confusing, non-linear, avant-garde Redwall story ever conceived. Of course, the story was only avant-garde at the time because I was an idiot. Then I started from the bottom up and WOW things make so much more sense now!

Anyway! I had no idea that another RedVenture was starting up - shows how far out of the loop I am these days. When Kobb filled me in on the synopsis I knew this was something I had to get in on. Of course it was too late to submit a character (not that I'd have time these days anyway), but I could do the next best thing! By jove, I could actually READ the story!

Unfortunately I came in a bit too late to save two of my favorite characters - especially Luka, whose background I was most interested in learning more of. Hey Luka's-Writer, mayhaps you can fill us in on that someday? Feels like such a lost opportunity.

I'm very, very happy to see this RedVenture story moving along at such a steady clip - though it does feel like events are moving forward a bit too quickly for their own good at the expense of much character development - especially in Day 2. Ironically, the character who I felt had the most character development and background reveal - Chokk - was voted off the island and met his horrible fate. After Luka and Chokk bit the dust, I knew more than ever that I needed to join the forums to do my part in keeping my second and third-favorite characters (Toby and Alan) from meeting their ends prematurely.

With Luka and Chokk now departed from this literary realm, it makes retro-reviewing their chapters feel a bit odd, so I'll focus on the surviving crew for the time being:

Rallentando: Or, as I call her, that one hare with the name I can't get out of my head! It was even worse when the assonance "Rallentando, ritardando" came about. It's a good thing you have such a memorable name, because right now I'm not necessarily getting a strong vibe from the character. I'm not adverse to the character, per se, there just hasn't been anything there yet to really grab. It really feels like she needs to come into her own, and soon. Surely there's more she can offer the group at this point?

Rexim: I think I love this character, I really do - then I realize it's only because he has a silly accent, drinks a lot, and wears a puffy hat ;D There's a lot of good stuff here, some great potential in the character, and it's great seeing him interact with Alan and the others. The whole aside with his "secret tunnel" felt more than a bit superfluous (I'm still not sure what the purpose of that whole bit was, aside from giving Luka a good way to get himself killed), but Day 2 felt a lot better for him - the confrontation with Alan was promising, though I was hoping that with death so certain in captivity he might have opened up a bit more as a character. I'm hoping that Day 3 presents more of his background - after all, he's got a lot of scars, which should equate to a lot of stories to tell.

Clutus: Back in RedVenture 3, we had Himmel, and in RedVenture 6, we seem to have Clutus :) Not that it's a bad thing of course, but I keep getting the most fantastic blasts of deja vu reading Clutus' pompous, almost delusional (and always quite excellent!) dialog. The developments in Day 2, with the Water Rat leader revealing a few new bits about Clutus' "true" past, were a welcome addition to the canon - and I'm really looking forward to more revelations. Honestly not so much to figure out what they are myself, but to see how the remaining contestants at the time react to them in-character. The usual path for these kinds of characters tends to involve a shoe dropping at some point or another when the group turns on them - I just hope that Clutus can evolve to a point where when that does happen, there's enough character evolution there to bring him back from the brink. I'm also working really hard to get over my Himmel-hallucinations, but right now it's hard for me to look at Clutus and not see that psychotic sparrow!

Rousseau: You started as my least-favorite, but don't worry - it's only because I didn't think a female, one-eyed pi-rat would be able to surpass the usual tired cliches. Of course, Rousseau is a valuable lesson in why I need to have more faith in the RedVenture contestants, as Rousseau has managed to become quite a promising character in a very short period of time. I like the sense of inadequacy that she hints at time and again, those pangs of fear that her crew doesn't actually respect her, that they might leave her body behind enemy lines if given the opportunity, etc - little tidbits like that really help make her seem real, with real emotional tics, and that I very much enjoy. The side-characterization, mostly related to her painting and drawing abilities, seems unnecessary to me, but that's only because I think she's a strong enough character without the whole art plot to help make her feel more important.

Alan: Oh, Alan, you crazy coot - you started off as a pretty cool fellow, didn't you? Palling around with Rexim and Toby, getting drunk off your gourd, making challenging decisions befitting the captain of Kotir's guard - it really felt like Alan would be my favorite character of the lot. Then near the middle of Day 1 he gets into that kerfuffle with Toby and turns into psycho Ed Norton from Fight Club almost instantaneously (channeling that scene where he pummels Jared Leto). From there, he's turned almost exclusively into that gruff, Oscar-the-Grouch-style captain who hates everything and everyone. While I find it endearing to a point, there's really not much likable in Alan anymore. He's the muscle and the authority figure right now, and he only feels important because he can hold his own in battle and move (mostly) freely about Kotir, getting the group into audiences with the leadership. The revelation that he was the one behind Chokk's misery was a great reveal, but it didn't feel like Alan did anything with it - that was all Chokk, and Alan just rolled with it. I also appreciated the slight conciliatory gesture Alan had with Toby, inviting him along in the Water Rat village (particularly his "If you hadn't been an architect, you'd have made a great soldier" line) - I do think the story is more fun when Alan is playing off of the characters rather than berating them all, and I also hope that Day 3 brings some more character development/relationship development/background/anything to the table.

Toby: When I went through the characters that had been selected for RV6, Toby was the one character who I felt like I might've tried to create myself. It's a fun background, for sure - the architect who finishes Kotir, has his father's shadow blotting out a great deal around him, etc etc. Toby has done his best thus far when he's playing off other characters, particularly Alan and Rexim, but I think there's so much more the character can offer. I keep expecting Alan to try and mold him into a protege or some-such, though if anything like that is incoming it probably wouldn't be for a while, as Alan just decided fairly recently that killing Toby is pretty uncool :) Another aspect of the character that I've found promising is that he's the "smart one" - the architectural genius who may one day surpass his father in stature, but still needs to prove himself. Having such an intelligent 'vermin' character is very exciting to me, though he hasn't quite had the opportunity to show it yet. I was impressed that he somehow MacGyver'd a fire on those Water Rat ships without being spotted, however!

And some overall comments for the lot of you! Your characters right now feel very, very guarded. Rousseau, you're doing a pretty good job of letting those background elements and character development moments slip through, but aside from you, I feel like I'm generally trailing a group of reactionary archetypes that aren't really doing any evolving as characters.

All that said, aside from some odd logical inconsistencies (what on earth is salami made out of in the Redwall world? What was up with that tunnel in Kotir and why isn't anyone worried anymore about it being swarming with crazy rats? Whatever happened to Chokk's family? How does one accidentally murder a Water Rat in the middle of a village with enemies all around them and with so much at stake? Why did the group hide in Chokk's dam for two minutes to evade their pursuers only to exit almost immediately thereafter? Etc etc) - yes, despite all that hooey, I'm very much enjoying this story - it's definitely my favorite RV since participating in 3, and many props also to Tara for her awesome establishing tale and, of course, for getting RV6 up and running.

Keep up the good work, folks!

[Alan]

I'd like to apologize for the quickness of everything...  as Vulpuz said, we only have one week to get everything done in.  So... each day is very rushed.  It has to be...  I sorta wish it wasn't...  but I'm afraid we're stuck in a time vortex and this is the only way to get out.  Hopefully we can redeem ourselves though.  :)

[Nallmian 2.0]

Hey, are you the TDCpresents that wrote The String Snapped, After the Rain and Like Shattered Glass?  Because if you are, I just wanted to say that I really enjoyed all three of those stories.  Hardin and Quinlan both rank among my favorite characters in the ROC.

[tdcpresents]

I'd like to apologize for the quickness of everything...  as Vulpuz said, we only have one week to get everything done in.  So... each day is very rushed.  It has to be...  I sorta wish it wasn't...  but I'm afraid we're stuck in a time vortex and this is the only way to get out.  Hopefully we can redeem ourselves though.  :)

Understandable! Time vortexes are unpleasant things, and the days are only so long! Still, even if events must transpire quickly, I'd still love to see more time given to the characters themselves - some more inner monologuing, some more flashbacks, etc. Also, as some other reviewers have noted, the planning of events feels a bit haphazard currently - the scene with Chokk's dam standing out rather prominently.

Honestly, I was hoping the group would remain hiding in that dam for the night, and use the opportunity of being trapped in close quarters to further their relationships and character development a little bit. Alas, no such luck! Perhaps more opportunities will arise in the future. I'm not too worried about it though - you guys are still only on Day 3  ;D

Hey, are you the TDCpresents that wrote The String Snapped, After the Rain and Like Shattered Glass?  Because if you are, I just wanted to say that I really enjoyed all three of those stories.  Hardin and Quinlan both rank among my favorite characters in the ROC.

I am indeed! Thank you so much for the kind words! :) Quinlan and Hardin live on outside the ROC, actually! Kobb and I have been working on a non-Redwall comic that includes them for a while now - some info and art here: http://fourkingdoms.blogspot.com/!

[Nallmian 2.0]

The last section of a 45 page paper on al-Qaeda stands between me and your webcomic.  Which is a shame, because it certainly looks interesting.  The same paper also stands between me and more reviews, but I am almost done and should be back soon.

[Luka]

It's okay, thank you for your kind words though, means a lot : ). Well, if you'd like, I actually plan on doing two things with Luka. I really enjoyed the finished product and became really fond of the character, really fast. He was always an "idea" for a character in my book series and I felt the best way to test out how good he really was would be to actually do something with him. After all, floating around in my short-attention-spanned mind is not enjoyable; easy to be lost and forgotten.

One, I did plan on explaining his history, or what I had planned, to those who asked. Secondly, I plan on modifying his history a bit?but keeping the same personality and such?and actually bringing him into my novel series. So if you want, I can note you some of that information : )

[tdcpresents]

One, I did plan on explaining his history, or what I had planned, to those who asked. Secondly, I plan on modifying his history a bit?but keeping the same personality and such?and actually bringing him into my novel series. So if you want, I can note you some of that information : )

I would love that! Thank you! ;D

[Rexim]

What was up with that tunnel in Kotir and why isn't anyone worried anymore about it being swarming with crazy rats?

The tunnel out of Kotir here is the same one which makes a surprise appearance in Mossflower. Personally, I was always intrigued by that tunnel, and I wanted to come up with an origin story for it. As for the rats, the problem is that they have not actually told anyone in authority that there were rats in the tunnel - Rousseau catches herself in 'Points of Authority.'  The main cast are away from Kotir right now, so they've been a bit too busy to worry about the possibility of a rat invasion, what with having more pressing rat-related problems at the moment. Rest assured, we do have some plans for the tunnel going forward.

Regarding your comments on Rexim: Yes, he does need quite a bit more character depth. It's a problem that I hope to address very soon. Part of it stems from the fact that RL problems prevented me from posting twice in Week 1, and I had a big character development post planned. So it goes, I suppose. But yes, the character issue will be rectified as soon as possible.

I would also like to add that you are one of my all-time idols in the online writing field, and I am very happy that you are reading this story. So I hope I don't come across as argumentative or anything here...

[Opal]

Hey there! It's been a while! It's great to have you here reading and reviewing!

And yeah, sorry about the order of the posts. As much as I like SMF, I've always been a tad annoyed that you can't change the order of posts in some forums, like you could with Invisionfree. Anyway, 's good to see you around these parts again! I'm glad you're enjoying the story so far.

[Chokk]

Hi! Just wondering... if you have the time I would very much appreciate a retro review of my character. If not I understand  ;)

[tdcpresents]

Rexim: All good stuff - glad that there's a plan there for it! None of that came across as argumentative at all, of course - if you've got a path for Rexim that you're working into the story, I can't wait to read it! As Alan mentioned, the story is rather forced to move at a steady clip - but I hope you're still able to squeeze in the right amount of development along with all the action going on.

Hey there! It's been a while! It's great to have you here reading and reviewing!

And yeah, sorry about the order of the posts. As much as I like SMF, I've always been a tad annoyed that you can't change the order of posts in some forums, like you could with Invisionfree. Anyway, 's good to see you around these parts again! I'm glad you're enjoying the story so far.

It was a bit confusing for a little bit and Kobb probably thought I was losing my mind, but when I finally figured out everything was backward, the story got 100% better! :D  And I'm happy to be here reviewing! It's a great story with great contestants - can't ask for much more than that!

Hi! Just wondering... if you have the time I would very much appreciate a retro review of my character. If not I understand  ;)

Sure thing, Chokk! I really did like your character, though there were some strange foibles in the timeline that confused me a bit as I read. Of course, I could have overlooked some of the salient details, but I had a few unanswered questions. The big one there was "What happened to Chokk's family?" - I would imagine they'd been killed somehow? If that's written in the story I clearly missed it - though it seemed the only explanation for why he'd march straight into enemy territory without a care in the world in his death post.

Another question I had was simply the timing of his actions around the... I guess I'll call it the "time flux"  ;D As-written it was a bit confusing - it seemed like he'd been betrayed by the hedgehog character, he left for Kotir to rescue his family, and right as his revolt started somebody betrayed him and he was killed (maybe by Alan?), and I guess the event that destroyed Kotir did it the same evening? Felt like a pretty bad night X) Things got a bit more confusing after everyone went back a week and Chokk was in Kotir as a prisoner. Can you clarify the timeline a little bit?

As a character, though, I very much enjoyed reading Chokk. He reminded me a lot of Felldoh from Martin the Warrior, actually. He had that same sort of "From calm to crazy" demeanor that Felldoh had, though I think Chokk was actually a bit more fleshed out as a character than Felldoh was in the book. The motivation to free his family seemed a strong one, even if it wasn't entirely clear if they were still prisoners or had been killed or what. His ability to silence a room with his tail was quite a funny scene, and his "woodlander on the edge" persona really felt interesting. Unfortunately, most of the great background material that was revealed for Chokk happened late in Day 2, it felt - between Alan's reveal as the one who orchestrated the attack on his community to Chokk throttling the woodlander who gave him up, I was almost entirely sure that Chokk would've made it to Day 3 with those scenes alone. Sadly the audience didn't seem to agree with me, and I didn't have an account made up in time to vote  :angry:

I would've also liked to eventually see more flashbacks to his pre-Kotir life, or see what kinds of benefits said life could've given the group (such as rallying woodlanders together or something to help - which, in the case of saving Kotir, would have been a marvelous achievement of character!)

Alas, it's not to be, and that's awfully sad. I was depressed to see that the first two days brought about the deaths of two of my more-liked characters - with any luck, further disappointment may yet be avoided. Though honestly, with this group of characters, I'm sure I'll be finding it harder and harder to pick who gets the chopping block.

[Rousseau]

First off, thank you for being yet another reviewer to surface during this contest. The more the merrier.  I'm glad that you're on board with us.

The side-characterization, mostly related to her painting and drawing abilities, seems unnecessary to me, but that's only because I think she's a strong enough character without the whole art plot to help make her feel more important.

To be honest, I included her artistic talents as a way of differentiating her from the average, cliche pirate as most vermin (something you might be able to tell from how no one but the Kotir beasts and Clutus care about her art) on her ship have not a care in the world for her talents.  On a pirate nation like Terramort, art isn't really something you'd be congratulated for and so I added it to add to her eccentricities and show how she isn't nearly as qualified for her job as the cliche, ruthless, murdering and pillaging pirate. It gives her crew a reason to be confused as to why she's in charge and ask why they should follow the pirate who simply wants to paint. But I actually have a lot planned for it as well, so bear with me :)

Rousseau, you're doing a pretty good job of letting those background elements and character development moments slip through, but aside from you,

Currently, I'm experimenting with Rousseau a bit and I'm trying to make her a more slow character than I'm used to, and instead of simply blowing all the development and background info at once, I want to slowly build to it until I get to the exact right moment so I can get it just how I want and make her be an even stronger character at the end than she is now.  This will happen very soon.

one-eyed pi-rat

Thank you for giving me a clever member title as I never noticed this pun. 

Anyways, thank you again for reviewing and I'm glad you like Rousseau as a character.  :)

[Chokk]

Thanks so much for your review! I will say that I'm quite new at the survivor type RP thing so it took me that many posts to get into the groove. Alas as soon as I was getting it I got chopped. Tis ok of course... hopefully I'll have another chance in a different story in the future.

[tdcpresents]

Well, this marks the first week that I've been able to vote in - I was hoping everybody would get a nice post in, but I was super-disappointed to see that Rallentando wasn't able to make it in this week. I remember in RV3 when Theo didn't make it in for a week and that spelling doom for his character, despite the fact I'd wanted to see more of him - unfortunately I fear history may be repeating itself here (most befitting of this storyline, oddly enough  :-\)

So, what of the posts that officially comprise this week's canon? I've got one word for you guys!

...


..

Actually, I've got several! Let's start with...

Rousseau: Can I just say, apropos of nothing, your name has a lot of vowels and I have trouble writing it sometimes? ;D Okay, so - as I mentioned last week, I'm really warming to the character, and I think she's very strong. I enjoy the light power struggle that Alan and Rousseau have in their chapters - on the surface typical of what you'd expect in a Redwall story, but because you two have so much time to build on it, the relationship feels a lot stronger for it, and seeing Rousseau's reactions to these confrontations really seems to help flesh her out as a character.

You handled the initial post of the Gloomer camp escape very well - I had very little trouble following the action and the other characters seemed rendered to spec, so good job there! Your second post (and I do love getting a double-dose in a single week!) was even better I think. While the first post was a lot of action and helped set up the rest of the chapter, the second chapter was a wonderful look at Rousseau as a character - particularly seeing her handle her crew in Kotir, will her position on to the first mate, and dealing with Mirdros. Excellent stuff - Rousseau is doing very well, I'd say, and should be in a very strong position to get through this week alive and well.

Rexim: A fairly short chapter - not bad, per se, and I did get a chuckle out of the visual of him doing a fist pump when he discovered his cohort's journal, though that setup did seem a bit convenient. I was hoping more would come of the revelation aside from sleep, to be honest. I enjoyed the exchange between the group and the wall-guard before they re-enter Kotir, though considering this was your only post this week I was really hoping for more in general.

There were a lot of small bits I enjoyed, such as learning that his father is to blame for his ear (or lack thereof), and the fates of his former colleagues, but I can't help but think more could've happened there. I like Rexim's character, I really do, but his presence this week was very small - almost too small. Hopefully he makes a comeback next week.

Alan: As I mentioned before, you and Toby were the characters I wanted to keep in the game the longest, because early on I felt there was a lot of potential for both characters and that they would keep the contest interesting. While Alan had a very good presence this week amongst all the action, I actually came away disappointed. The beginning of your (cleverly-named :D) post had some promise to it. Curmudgeons handling children tend to yield fun scenes, and in general it worked, though unlike Oscar the Grouch, the Grinch, or even Carl from Up, Alan did not soften. Not even a little, making him seem all the more heartless.

The back-and-forth with Radish is also growing a little thin. Actually, his back-and-forths with most characters feel rather one-note at this point, especially Rallentando. There really doesn't feel like any reason why he wouldn't know her name by this point, and if he's intentionally making it seem like he doesn't remember who she is, it's not coming across as sarcastic - more just intentionally mean-spirited.

Not to pile things on here, but the scene with Kurt was probably my biggest "WTFNOO!" moment of the week. You set that up beautifully the first time around - he executes Kurt and actually gets A SECOND CHANCE to right his wrongs! When he spared Kurt in the repeat of that event, it really felt like the beginning of a potentially character-altering course. Will he stick it to his superiors and prove he's a great Captain by finding the true culprits? No, apparently! We're treated to a gut-wrenching and incredibly sad scene of Alan succumbing to his superiors' wishes yet again and this time carrying out the deed he regretted before, and in doing so, the entire Kurt subplot felt like it wrapped up in the most unsatisfying of packages.

Personally, I was so disappointed by that scene that I had to stop reading the chapter for the rest of the day and return to it later. I was hoping against hope that Alan would spin that scene around on his superiors ("While you were beating up the suspect, I was out there investigating, and guess what? We've got leads!") Lies, stalling, anything really to save the guy - when Kurt died, it felt like one of Alan's strongest potential subplots just fizzled completely. And it was even worse when after it, he goes back to being the gruff captain, hating anything and everything once more. Also, did feeding Mirdros alcohol and interrogating him actually yield any nuggets of information? We basically cut from Blacktip preparing to interrogate him to the later chapter of Mirdros being sick because of it.

I really, really want to see Alan come back from this - I feel like he needs to open up pretty hardcorely, and do it soon, because right now he feels incredibly one-note. C'mon man, you can do it! :)

Clutus: Last week I mentioned that I Clutus felt very similar to Himmel Tanzer's character from RedVenture 3. Funny enough, a good deal of this week's post channeled more of the Rufelle Lindera character from the same contest :) The silly bit with the doorknob actually mirrored a similar scene late in RV3 (the line actually being: ?I can?t open those silly nobbies with my talons! Doors are mean to birds.?) - I guess that's just a perennial gag for bird characters!

Anyway, moving on, there wasn't a whole heck of a lot of Clutus development this time around, but it was a fun and lighthearted piece all the same. The ending, setting up the scene with the water rats and their leader getting crushed by Rallentando's ill-advised leaning (another major WTF moment from this week  ^-^) actually felt a bit rushed. It might've paced a bit better had the moment of Caractacus' death been held for another writer later in the week, since now the scene repeats itself again from Toby's point of view in the next post. All told, I'm not really seeing as much of the Clutus character development as I'd normally like - though this was mostly a fun little slice of life post that is quite alright in moderation. I'm hopeful that next week brings about some more revelations about Clutus' past, though I now wonder how that'd work since the one person who seemed to know most about him is lying crushed right now!

Tobias So the flashback at the beginning here was a dream? It would've probably been more appropriate at the actual moment of burnination in the previous day, but it was a nice little scene all the same, seeing how Toby handled the ship fire. The fact that he made his very first kill aboard the vessel was an interesting development, though it barely seemed to phase him, both during and after the event. Perhaps that's just who he is, but it felt like he'd have more guilt about it afterward, especially given the "He wish he'd thought" line you tossed in there.

The scene with Adrian was a nice touch - I was wondering when he might divulge his mission/meeting with Vulpuz, and her reaction seemed appropriate - I'm just waiting for Toby to get the others to corroborate his story :)

The replay and extension of the water-rat/Caractacus death scene was interesting, seeing it from a different angle, but it still didn't feel like it divulged much new information about the event. The water rat leader is accidentally killed, the water rats retreat, manage to kill a Kotir guard or two, but that's about it. It would've been nice to get more interaction between Toby and Alan, but again the relationship continues to be "Toby impresses Alan somehow, Alan bosses Toby around". I'm more worried for Alan than Toby at this point, but I was definitely hoping that the two would build more of a mutual respect at this point.

EverybodyThis week wasn't bad, but I don't think you guys hit the same heights you reached in week 2. It didn't feel like there was a whole heck of a lot of character development, and some of the scenes throughout the week (Kurt's death, Rallentando accidentally killing Caractacus) had me scratching my head. All told, important things happened this week, but not a lot of it really felt weighty enough. Rousseau was my favorite read this week - just the right combination of action and strong character development had me feeling like I left this week knowing more about the character and the events surrounding her. With the other characters this week, there was a lot of action, some things happened for sure that will no doubt have a major effect on the rest of the contest, but I still don't feel like I know these characters any more than I did a week ago.

Also, Rallentando's absence this week was pretty noticeable. Her accidental murder of Caractacus feels like the most significant thing the character has done as of yet, and it didn't even reveal anything about the character, other than that she's clumsy and picks bad places to lean  :-\

To repeat last week's critique, all the characters still feel a bit guarded, like they're afraid to open up their innermost anxieties and doubts to the audience. The characters are showing a good bit of angst, but Rousseau was really the only character who produced anything truly positive from it this week. For next week, I'm really hoping that the characters open up a little bit - there are things in them all that I really love, but the action really feels like it needs to be tempered with character development to go from "I want to love this character" to "I love this character".

My vote's been cast - good luck on next week, writers! :)

[Alan]

May I say something?  While I do understand you want Alan to develop as a character and stop being so one dimensional, I'd also like to say we don't have a lot of time.  Most contests take place over a period of weeks and months, giving the characters lots of time to interact, form friendships, change, repent, grow evil, whatever.  This contest takes place over a period of seven days.  I want you to think about how much a person would REALLY change in just a few days.

Like with Mirdros; Alan doesn't like children.  (at least I don't think he does....) Why would getting saddled with a whiny brat soften him?  If anything...  I love children.  But if I have to babysit brats for a day... I don't feel particularly 'kind' towards them. 

I really do appreciate your reviews, and I'm really grateful for them.  But I'd just like to remind you that not a lot of time is passing, and while it would be great for them to get closer, and change, and become lovable, certain characters simply need more time to warm up than others.