A Consummation Devoutly to be Wished

[Tobias]

He had been battling his eyelids for some amount of time. They wanted to open, but he kept them shut. Sleep was what he needed; he thought his body knew that. But fatigue left his eyelids, and he lost the battle. His head throbbed distantly, and it smelled unpleasant. He vaguely remembered throwing up before he went to sleep.

Toby sat up in his bed and felt light blind his right eye. So it was daytime, he thought, squinting.

He swung his legs out on the floor, stepped on something quite sharp, and recoiled with a yelp. He looked over; one of the bottles had broken into countless pieces, the other lay cracked but whole on the floor a few paces away. Toby didn?t think he was the violent type when drinking. Then again, last time he was drunk he did pick a fight with Alan.

The mink used his pillow to sweep away the larger shards and extricated himself from the tangle of sheets. He looked out the window. The landscape and their chances of survival judging by the activity of the water rats remained the same: bleak.

Toby stretched and tried to remember what he?d done the previous day. For a few moments, he couldn?t, but then the fight surfaced even through the blurriness.

?No.?

He tried blocking it, but too late.

--

Toby sat in his father?s study doing the only thing he was allowed to do in the study: work. As with most tasks Darius charged him to do, this one seemed pointless. He was drawing the blueprint for a wall. Sure, he needed to specify the thickness, height, and width, but other than that, it was a box. Toby maintained a recent suspicion that Darius was just giving him busywork.

Speak of the devil, Toby thought as he heard the door open. He looked up eagerly and was not disappointed; his father clutched two rolls of parchment.

?Two?? Toby asked.

Darius closed the door. ?Yes, two. One is for your eyes only, or so the nurse told me.?

He walked over to the table and handed Toby the roll. He turned it to the seal, which was whole. He inspected it more closely.

?I didn?t break it, if that?s what you?re looking for.?

But resealing was relatively simple. Toby carefully peeled the wax off the parchment and checked the underside. No cracks.

?You don?t trust your own father?? Darius gave him a hard look.

?I know how much you enjoy knowing everything that goes on around here,? Toby responded tersely.

?Do you think I would violate her request?? His tone was edging to the dangerous side.

Toby didn?t need to think on his answer. ?No.?

?Well then. Return to your work once you?ve read that. I will return when you should be finished.? Darius left the room.

Toby held the loosely rolled paper in his hands, debating whether he should read the thing or not. But he must; she wanted him to. He unrolled it. Her pawwriting was worse.

   My dearest Toby,

How are you? I miss you. I hope everything is well in the house, and that you are helping with the care of Victor and Mary. The nannies cannot do everything you know, they need their brother too!

I wrote this just for you because I am going to tell you some things with which your father would not be pleased, and I may get worse and I want you hear this from me.

I know you are frustrated with your studies. A part of me died inside every time you came to me frustrated and helpless after a rigorous day with your father. I could not do anything about it. I know how determined your father is for you to carry on his work. I suggested that Victor might be a better architect (he does have an affection for those building blocks!) but your father insisted that it could only be you.

It is unfair, I know. I hope you never thought I was in support of your father. I want you to be happy more than anything, Toby, and it is killing me (more than my ailment) knowing you are not.

This is what I want you to do: tolerate your work as much as you can, and pursue your true passions secretly. You have told me you want to join the guard? Talk to the soldiers. They are not the cleanest of beasts, both physically and mentally, but most of them are good and virtuous. You have my blessing, Toby.

And if your father catches you, know that he cannot punish you too harshly because he is your father and, despite what you may think, he loves you deeply. I hope I can see you soon. I love you.

                   ?Mother

Toby had noticed a few wet spots on the paper while reading where his mother had cried. He knew this because he had made similar marks.

--

Toby was sitting on his bed again, rubbing his head roughly.

?Stop. Remembering.?

But it was playing over and over in a speed only possible in his mind, sometimes snippets of the thing became abundantly clear while the rest faded, sometimes it ran through and he only focused on Darius? expressions. He had won.

Toby felt the hot pricking again and didn?t suppress it this time. That was her last request of him and he had failed her. It should have been easy the way she put it, but she was wrong about one thing: Darius did not love him deeply. If he did, he wouldn?t have locked him in the house for a season. If he did, he wouldn?t have condemned him to Kotir. If he did, he wouldn?t be so damn cruel.

He lay down, wanting to sleep again. But there was something more important than sleep. Toby got out of the bed again, wiped some persistent tears away and blew his nose on the bed sheet.

He left his bleak room and walked down the hall to the stairwell. He had an idea where Adrian was. She had been so good at avoiding him lately.

After checking the second floor, Toby found her in front of the library of all places.

?You get to guard the crazy queen?? he said while walking over.

She smiled. ?Yes, it?s actually nice. I?ve been learning a load of new, colorful words from her.?

Toby smiled. He hadn?t done that in a while. ?Can I talk to you privately? I don?t think you?ll miss anything, she sounds docile at the moment.?

Adrian looked over to the other guardsbeast, who nodded in approval. ??S long as I can take a break when you get back.?

?Fine,? she replied and turned back to Toby. ?Let?s go.?

The architect nodded and they walked back to the stairs.

?If I may ask, where are you taking me?? Adrian said a little playfully.

?You?ll see.? Toby was glad his room was not an option, because he thought of an even better spot.

As they were passing the lord?s quarters, Toby stopped. Before Adrian could say anything, he quickly pulled one of the ornate doors open and gestured her in.

She walked in and looked around instinctively. ?Aren?t there servants in here??

Toby shut the door. ?I assume they dismissed them once the siege began. Our lord and lady were quite reclusive.?

Adrian laughed in disbelief and picked up a modestly gilded plate from what looked like the wolve?s dining table. ?This probably costs a season of my wages. Could you imagine living like this??

Toby thought back to his home. ?It would be very nice?Adrian, I need to ask you something.?

She looked over from slipping a few pieces of silverware in her pocket. ?What is it??

?Did you?do anything when you were with Alan yesterday??

Adrian blinked at Toby and paused for a few seconds. ?Of course not.?

He didn?t like that hesitation. ?Well, Alan told me about it, and it sounded like??

?You don?t believe him, do you?? She looked slightly amused. ?Alan is one of the biggest liars I?ve ever met. We say that he only tells the truth when he?s sober.?

Toby almost hit himself in the forehead. He didn?t know why he let Alan get in his head; the alcohol must still be affecting his mind. ?And would it be foolish to ask if he tried anything??

She turned back to looting the table. ?I think you know the answer to that one.?

He did (it was yes), and for the first time that day he used his head correctly and wondered why he trusted Alan and not Adrian. Did he want her to be wrong?

?Have you been avoiding me??

?No.? She did not look at him and said it a little too quickly.

?From my experience with Alan, that sounded a lot like a lie.?

She finally turned back around, indignant. ?It is not!?

Toby wasn?t sure if he was happy or sad about figuring out that she was lying. ?Really? So you?re telling me that in the past few days I've been running around this place, it is mere chance I haven?t run into you at some point??

She bit her lip. ?Fine. I have. When you told me about your?mission, I thought it would be best if I didn?t distract you from it.?

He looked past Adrian to the tapestry behind her. ?Adrian, that was far from the best thing you could have done. That was the worst.?

?Why.?

It was the way she asked it like a statement, with a sort of dull curiosity but at the same time demanding, that pushed him over.

?Why? I don?t know if you?ve noticed, but I?m part of the reason why we?re probably going to die very soon. You know the eight beasts that were chosen? There are only four now, and I can?t help but think it would be the ultimate irony to have the architect who stayed here for the whole construction of Kotir and longed for its completion not because he was proud of it, but because he wanted to leave the wretched place to die right before it?s finished.

?And I?ve been trying to keep everybeast alive so I can live too, but all the while I?ve been thinking, ?Why am I trying so hard to save a place I've wished so many times to destroy?? And I?ve been asking myself that question more and more every day that passes until I?m wondering if I?ve known the answer all along. The strangest part is that if I give up, I won?t care because I wouldn?t mind dying right now. Hellgates, my head hurts.?

Toby looked down and rubbed his head again. He heard Adrian speak, hushed.

?Why haven?t you given up yet??

He looked up at her. ?You, mostly. And I want to return home to visit my brother and sister to make sure Darius isn?t ruining their lives as well. But you?ve kept me sane, so if you want to tell me you don?t love me and that I?ve been wasting my time, then I?m okay with that.?

The architect looked down again, dreading an answer. When Adrian spoke next, she was right in front of him. ?I don?t know why you think I would do that, Toby, because I never could.?

Toby looked up and saw that she was tearing up, so he kissed her. He felt horrible and happy for making her cry.

?I?m sorry,? he said.

It felt like a while before she responded. ?No, I?m sorry.? They separated. ?I never knew.?

Toby smiled tiredly. ?It?s my fault I?m so good at hiding it.? He looked out the window. ?We should get back downstairs to see what?s happening.?

?Are you joking?? Adrian stepped back and looked around the throne room again. ?This is probably the only time we have this room to ourselves, and you want to leave??

Toby glanced over to the bed over five times the size of his. It was a nice room, nicer than his home. And with plenty of valuables to sell to the nearby towns if they got out alive. ?I guess not.?

She beamed. ?Great. Do you have room in your pockets??