Reviews Schmeviews

[Opal]

I plan on keeping my head down and doing my best not to find out the identities of the contestants for as long as I possibly can (which will be a fun challenge, with all my shiny admin powers), so I can review and whatnot. I'll share basically what I wrote in the judges' board (though not the scores, for obvious reasons). I'm not trying to sway anyone's opinions here, so if you'd rather not care to have a judge's opinion on these apps, feel free to ignore this thread until the story starts. XP

And some reviews are shorter than others, some due to the time crunch, others due to...not having much to say? But if you want me to expand on anything, let me know.

First off, the judges' picks!


Gashrock

I like her. The writing is solid, I love the verminy name (which, I'll admit, I was not expecting to be the name of a female), and she feels like a vermin. I like that she's short and I like that she's the stickler of the group. She takes her job far too seriously, which is kind of amusing to me. This could lead to some interesting encounters in the contest.

My biggest critique is that the accent seems a little hit and miss to me. I think they're trying to tone it down (which, ohmygoodness, I love them for that), but it almost doesn't make sense when I say her lines aloud. I think they could benefit from reading their dialogue aloud.


Goragula

It's a tooooooad! That would be a first. I'm not sure why Goragula would be going over the mountain pass himself, being old, and like...the Toadfather. LOL. Seems like it'd have to be something really important, because he's powerful enough to send any number of beasts in his place. Hmm. It's not really...the most original idea ever...but he is super creepy and evil. I'm not entirely sold, but I wouldn't mind to see him get in.


Vanessa Fern

Aaaand we have a Scotch otter (...Scotter?) named NESSIE. Wow. I'm. Speechless. XD

The scene the first paragraph sets is adorable.

?Ye tripped me.?

It wasn?t a question so much as a statement.

Yeah, the phrasing and lack of a question mark kind of clued me in there. I guess...thanks, though?

Oooh, daddy issues! Hmm. I dunno. This was a fun app, if a little on the fluffy side. It smacked of something a bit more Redwall canon. Not too shabby.

[Opal]

Next up we have the Yew Guards!


Grainger

Spelled the same way as Percy Grainger, I was subconsciously expecting a bit more crazy/weird out of him. XD

Holy wow. So many NPCs I don't care about. Also, so many missing commas every time a new one is introduced. Should be "the mouse, So-and-so, did this." I probably wouldn't have noticed or cared all that much if a new or existing NPC hadn't popped up in every other sentence. Also, there's really not a whole lot of characterization, but I guess Grainger's just meant to be a simple guy, very serious about what he does, but still humble. Stick to that if you get in, Grainger. Drop the NPCs posthaste, because they just plain get in the way. And oh my goodness, the dialogue overload!


Istvan

Wow, what an utter creep. The religion isn't exactly canon, but I guess it's essentially Mother Earth he believes in. Yet he also believes in very Middle Eastern forms of punishment. The writing is very good, and because of that, I'm going to be very strict on the several obvious SPAG errors in this. Someone that good should've caught all of those.

How do tattoos work in the Redwall world, anyway? I've always wondered. I've always pictured them as some sort of permanent fur dye. I dunno.

One teensy nitpick: In my prologue, the merchants were more toward the rear of the group. But eh. That could just be me not being clear enough on that...or reading this wrong. XP


Ben Slider

Mmm, sliders...

Holy anachronisms, Batman! Doctors and epidemic icterus-es and..."syliva"...oh myyyy!

Hnnnnn. I have a little bit of a hard time believing that--Okay, and like, the anachronisms here are already suspending my disbelief high enough that it's in danger of disrupting flight patterns at PDX--that they'd let him be a guard. Or like, send him on a mission where he will need to SHARE FOOD AND WATER with others.

Part of me really wants to like this app, because a contagious illness? A beast nearly dead before the story even starts? It's original. I loved the moment of anger, thinking how he's so straight-laced and this shouldn't have happened to him. The concept was great, but the execution was all wrong. Healers don't know these things yet! He should have just kept the sickness to himself, known he was dying, and snuck into the Guard anyway. That would have been way more effective. Or he should have just applied as a merchant.

And the SPAG needs some work.


Maxine Honeydouble

I...thought bad thoughts when I saw her name. I won't repeat what I said in the judges' board, but BAD THOUGHTS. XP

Also, what is with the overuse of the word "proper"? I think we get that she doesn't live in Yew "proper." I don't know why that word bugs me so much, but it does. Just a personal nitpick, really. Nothing I'm taking points off for.

Also also, they misread the prologue. Yew is NOT sending their entire guard! Or even most of it. Or even half of it. Just a small contingent. This mission is NOT a full frontal assault. And a quartermaster is in charge of rations, uniforms, and, y'know, quarters. Why would they need her for this?

Also also also,

?I've done my share of fighting. Go jest of Carrigul elsewhere.?

Just who talks like this? Again, reading dialogue aloud can be helpful. This is almost as annoying as an overdone accent.

Now, this wasn't a bad app. It was actually well-written overall and the character is...well, not the most interesting character of all, but not too flat and boring either. I wish we'd seen more of her other than she's the Quartermaster who lives outside of Yew "proper" and she hates young beasts getting drafted and also she's kind of fat now lolz (which, hi, fattie speaking here, fatness =/= personality trait. Just make sure it stays that way and we'll continue to be friends, k?). Also, who is this Ricard, anyway? I don't even know. There were just too many little things that rubbed me the wrong way, and unfortunately they added up.

I don't know. If she gets in, she needs to tone it way down and make her dialogue fit better with everyone else's. Also, she needs to make sure she pays attention to the plot.


Captain Noona--Oh, for crap's sake. **facepalm**

His name is terrible. Just. Bad. Catpain Blackudder is a better name. HOWEVER. I kind of like the guy. He's funny. And cute. And. That's about it. Wouldn't mind seeing him in. YEY BIRD.

(Okay, and this was literally my last app to review, but I promise you, I DID read it. Twice. I was paying more attention to getting scores up at that point. I really did like this guy, even if I give him a hard time for his name. Which makes my mouth feel just. ODD. Every time I say it out loud. But he is kind of a silly guy, so I guess it fits. Still, though. Silly name to the max. XD)

[Opal]

Moving on, we have the Dewhurst Players! I'm so, so sad we didn't get more of these guys, and I'm pretty sure Pyracantha is sad tooooo, but I think we've got a good selection from the few we did get.


Vist

Oh my goodness, there is something terribly melodramatic about this app. That said, I kind of like it. But I like it on the assumption that the author meant it to be really over the top dramatic. If they get in and it becomes apparent that that wasn't their intention, I'll be so sad. It's lines like this:

Reng glowered as he applied a large smile onto his glowering features.

Which make me hopeful that this is intentionally meant to be sad but also actually pretty funny because LOL they're clowns. The first "glowered as he" is not necessary, btw, since you then go on to say that his features are "glowering." This was almost a brilliant sentence! Hopefully?

Also this:

Reng fell face down on stage, his blood mixing with pie filling.

Please God let this be intentionally funny. Otherwise, I'm a jerk for laughing. :P

The ending was abrupt, but somehow necessary. Mainly because I thought he was in the Dewhurst Players up until the last paragraph.

My scores for this one are based on the hope that this is supposed to be incredibly cheesy. Because if so, oh man. I will love this guy. If not, I am one sad panda. I kind of like his app more every time I read it. It's brilliant. Maybe. Hopefully. Argh!


Risk

Hmm. While the writing is good, this app got confusing at times. It's action heavy, and the random jump at the end just...Yeah. I think they were trying to cover way too much. I found it a little tough to follow, and Risk doesn't really stand out to me much as a character. He's a fighter, who I guess is just trying his paw at acting? This wasn't bad, and I'm sure they'd be competent enough of a writer should they get in, but as it was, it didn't quite work for me. Also:

His voice rumbled like oiled pebbles between a vixen's thighs.

Uhh. I'm trying to think of a situation in which a vixen would have oily pebbles between her legs, but nothing PG-13 or below is coming to mind. I just plain don't get the analogy or what it has to do with...anything. Was the author just trying to be edgy? If so, well, it obviously fell a little flat.


Poko

Chinpokomon is Super Toy #1!

Wait, wait, time out.

The accent.

It's terrible. I'm sorry. But if you get in, tone it the flonk down. Or your posts will be excruciating.

Secondly, the app is riddled with SPAG errors. One particularly awkward mistake:

The ferret?s nostrils flared, ?You callin? me a thief?

Please tell me I'm not the only one who immediately imagined her nostrils saying that. XP

Anyway, they are all over the place with their commas. They're either misplaced or just...missing entirely. Yikes. The writing has a few good moments here and there ("frisk the ferret fruitlessly" XP), but overall the app doesn't make a lot of sense. If they're making a run for it before they all get arrested (which like, wouldn't take too long, I'd imagine), why have Poko bother to get on stage at all? Wouldn't they just high-tail it out of there?

As far as character goes, I find Poko to be a bit irritating. She's got the annoying accent, plus she's a bit of a sassy bratty kid, plus she's a master of disguise (NOTE: have you smelled a ferret before? They reek. Their musk is NOT EASY to cover up). Mneh. Also, she inexplicably has a Japanese sounding name that makes me think of the Japanese term for...something...I won't share here. Awkwaaard.

Methinks this app was written in a rush.


Shortstack

Franciscooo...

I really want to like this guy more, anachronistic name and all ("shortstack" is an American term; these vermin are not American!). The writing is decent. The end though, just. WTF? It seems so disjointed. Isn't someone going to like. Notice that he's walking through town wearing a dripping tailscarf? Also, Shortstack is a runt; an otter's tail is huge in comparison (and not fluffy, by the way). I got such an odd mental image at the end there, this little stoat staggering under they weight of a big, muscular tail draped over his shoulders. I liked the first half. The second half was almost like a different app entirely. As an actor, I don't think he's going to be making enough money to be handing out loans for new boats and whatnot. But anyhoo. I loved the first half. Could have done without the second.

[Opal]

And finally, a whole mess o' merchants.


Nyika

I'm a little confused. I think Nyika is just pretending to be the widow's husband at the end, but at times she talks as herself, so maybe she's just crazy? I get that she's young, and she kind of sucks at fortune telling. Or does she actually hear the dead? In which case, why does she then pretend to suck at fortune telling? Nerves? Inexperience? I don't get it. She did get freaked out when a draft went through the room, so I'm thinking she at least believes in ghosts, even if she can't actually hear them. The writing's pretty solid, so if they get in I just hope they can clear things up for me. I don't really get what's happening after several reads.

(After reading it and thinking about it for a few days, I actually THINK I figured out the app. I think the breeze Nyika feels IS the vixen's mate coming into the tent, and she CAN see and/or hear spirits/ghosts, so she's set up as a fortune teller to make some money off of it, because woohoo money. Only she's now realizing that it doesn't work like that, that she can't call up spirits at will, so her business venture is not going to well. I ended up changing my mind about her somewhat, though it probably shouldn't take that much rereading and pondering to get what should have been a more straightforward concept.)


Alder Flint

Hmm, good writing, and I'm intrigued to know what led Alder to desert his family. Part of me groans at the NPC package deal aspect of this, but even with his son there, I still get a good sense of his character. As long as his son doesn't become the more interesting character, he'll do fine.


Terrence Wellspiller

...The author knows that that's basically kidnapping, right? It comes across that way, a bunch of beasts grabbing an underage teen and not even really asking him if he wants to go with them. That aside, this app is a little on the melodramatic side, and the character isn't the most interesting of the bunch. Also, the writing is a touch confusing at times. I think they still have a good base to build upon should they get in. There's definitely room for improvement, but all in all, not a bad app.


Pollux

First, the good. I love the writing. Love, love, love. It's beautiful. It creates such fantastic imagery. I feel like I'm right there with Pollux.

It was that deep period when the night was darkest; the path for him was lit by a spray of stars that illuminated his way in small crescents. He did not feel heavy, though the letter in his pocket did; he felt numb and useless. The forests around him were black in the night and they reminded him vividly of Mossflower, his childhood home. That forest had twisting, joyous paths which him and his brother had run through in youthful ecstasy. Those days were long gone.

<3

Pollux decided to answer with the truth, not that it mattered. "I dream of red." He confessed shortly. "Red everywhere; people I've murdered in the name of the Vulpuz." Shifting his gaze, he saw a clump of edelweiss, white, pure and unstained. "You?"

<3 PURDY WERDZ.

Now, the not so great. Simple SPAG errors, spaces missing, incorrect punctuation, EVERYWHERE. Also, the use of the term "boy" almost makes me forget I am reading about animals. Why not "kit" or "pup" or "cub" or whatever a little squirrel thang is called. This person can clearly write, but they still need to learn how to proofread.

Also, characterization: how is he a merchant? What does he sell? How does he even fit into this category at all? He's just a loner wandering around hating all the woodlander/vermin hate going on. Or is this some kind of abstract "OMG HES RLY SELLING PEACE U GUYZ" idea? I don't know. So, got to dock a bit for that. I know it's pretty typical for vermin to be "not really evil" these days, but I do like the way they've done it here. And who knows? Maybe the accident will get some fight back in him. I hope. Please. Or...you'll pretty much only have pretty words going for you, in my book.


Zevka Blackbriar

I like Zevka, for the most part. The one critique is that Mekad sometimes steals the spotlight a little? SPAG's a little wobbly in places. I like the writing otherwise. It was an entertaining scene. Also, Stekpo? That's. Quite a name y' got there. This author seems to be in love with the letter 'K'. XP



Well, that's all. Still not sure how I'll actually vote yet.

[Opal]

My tentative voting order (but this is likely to change somewhat, because we have an entire week to think about it):

Yew Guards:
1. Istvan
2. Maxine Honeydouble
3. Captain Noonawotsit
4. Grainger
5. Ben Slider

Dewhurst Players:
1. Vist
2. Risk
3. Shortstack
4. Poko

Merchants:
1. Alder Flint
2. Nyika
3. Zevka Blackbriar
4. Pollux
5. Terrence Wellspiller

[TNT]

Mmkay, just so no one is confused, I'm still Tara, and this is my account for reviewing contests. I will be using this account from now on (except for approving new members and such), because I can't see IP addresses or email addresses. So hoooopefully I can dodge finding out identities for as long as I can. :)

[TNT]

I changed my mind a little bit. Mostly on Maxine, who I felt I was way too harsh on originally. We need more badgers. Merchants, I think the top and the bottom picks are fairly fixed. The middle, however, is a tight race. You people need to stop having such convincing arguments. XP

[Kerrin Clearloch]

I'm curious what you thought was so bad about Poko's accent... granted there was the "jerkface" bit which didn't fit in Redwall terms but a few other writers used similar terms as well. Otherwise, I thought she spoke pretty much like vermin from Redwall- and a bit like the Gonfelins too which fitted with her persona.

The phrase you mentioned,

The ferret?s nostrils flared, ?You callin? me a thief?

didn't really jar me and I didn't pick up on the little grammar mistake there but even now that I see it, it doesn't seem so bad... I dunno I just really liked Poko overall (I'm voting for her above all the other performers) but I'm trying to see the not-so-good stuff in the application as well and since you put her last, I'd like to discuss her in a bit more detail.

[Rousseau]

I'm curious what you thought was so bad about Poko's accent... granted there was the "jerkface" bit which didn't fit in Redwall terms but a few other writers used similar terms as well. Otherwise, I thought she spoke pretty much like vermin from Redwall- and a bit like the Gonfelins too which fitted with her persona.

I pretty much agree with you here. I didn't think her accent was that bad. The only thing I found kind of distracting was the fact that she had an accent but her father didn't. I found that kind of strange.

[Kerrin Clearloch]

Teenagers pick up accents more from their friends than from their parents (at least according to my psychology course). It could be she was just raised in a real verminy environment.

[Rousseau]

Yeah, I figured it was something like that. It was kind of strange though the first time I read it. I'm used to parents and children sounding the same in stories. It's possible her dad might not have been raised very verminy which, again, could be interesting for her character as well.

[TNT]

I don't mind characters that have accents, but I prefer accents to be more implied than just flat written out. It's the overload of apostrophes and phonetic spellings that rubs me the wrong way. Also, it's not putting a lot of trust in me, the reader, to pick up on the accent. I don't like being spoon-fed.

?Owww! Whadja go an? do that fer? I ain?t done nuthin? ya crazy jerkface!?

"Owww! What'd ya go an' do that for? I ain't done nothin', ya crazy [ANYTHING OTHER THAN JERKFACE]." Accent still implied, but toned down. I mean, do you really need to change "nothin'" to "nuthin'"? There is no phonetic change that I can figure.

I hadn't even really noticed the mismatch in accents, but I'm not sure if that changes my opinion. It is a little weird that her father speaks so properly when she doesn't, but I guess she's at the rebellious teenager stage. Even the badger gets an accent change, briefly, when he says "ya" instead of "you." Again, this leads me to believe that the author did not spend a great deal of time on this. I would just hope, if she gets in, that she takes greater care on her story posts. Consistency is your friend! :)

Also.

The phrase you mentioned,

The ferret?s nostrils flared, ?You callin? me a thief?

didn't really jar me and I didn't pick up on the little grammar mistake there but even now that I see it, it doesn't seem so bad... I dunno I just really liked Poko overall (I'm voting for her above all the other performers) but I'm trying to see the not-so-good stuff in the application as well and since you put her last, I'd like to discuss her in a bit more detail.

It should have been a period. You don't flare a question out of your nose (at least...I've not known anyone who can physically do that). I'm a SPAGgy kind of gal, though. A few misses here and there don't bother me, but much more and it's hard for me to ignore. This whole app felt like it was written in a rush.

However, even if Poko had had perfect SPAG, I would still not rate her any higher. Well, no higher than third, perhaps. I take issue with the glaring errors in logic, mostly, because...

1. Why are they taking the time to keep putting on a show? The woodlanders know she's with the performers, clearly, because her father says they're going to have to leave. All it will take is for some Yew Guards to show up and, if not the daughter, arrest the father, who hasn't changed his "role." Plus, he already admitted to being her father.

2. Ferrets absolutely reek. I love 'em, but boy, they smell bad. And these are descented ones at a pet store that I'm talking about. I might have believed the musk thing working with just about any non-mustelid character, but when the guards do show up to arrest them, isn't it going to be a little suspicious if just one of their members practically bathed in perfume? Unless they're completely stupid (which, let's face it, that's how they're written in this app), they're going to figure it out.

Finally, the biggest issue I have with Poko is that she has no major flaws. Don't be fooled by the money bag mistake. I don't buy that that was a legitimate flaw, because, to me, it only served as a plot device to then show off how awesome and spectacular she is at disguise and no one is ever, ever going to catch her. Like ever, for serious, you guys. I get the distinct impression that Poko is going to succeed at everything she does in life, ever. I just happen to find that pretty boring in a character. I can picture her in the contest always getting the upper paw, always outwitting and outsmarting everyone, even beasts like, more than twice her age. She's 14. If ever there is an age to have flaws, that is it. Teenagers can often be very impulsive, and don't always think ahead. I know. I was that age once.

And yes, I can already hear the counter argument that she's impulsive because she took the plot device--I mean, money bag. And, yeah, that would be my response. Hey look, she's a pickpocket and she has all the dumb woodlanders fooled. Plot device is discovered, and now, hey look, she's an ultimate master of disguise that makes even squirrels have the hots for her, she's that attractive and sparkly and awesome.

So I guess, if she does get in (and from the reviews, it's looking likely), please, Poko's author, give her some flaws. Have her fail now and then. Have her not get along with her parents. Have her act more 14. Don't dumb down the characters around her, like the woodlanders in your application. I'm already pretty bored with her, so you're going to have to do something pretty big to change my mind about her.

Hope that clarifies some things. Really, it is Shortstack's first half of his app that redeems him enough to place higher. It started off really well. The entire second half only detracted from his character; I would so rather have just seen him like. Haul off and smack a Dibbun or something, preferably for no reason at all. Because he seems so kicked around, it was so jarring to suddenly have him threatening a full-sized otter. I kind of thought that's where he was going at first, when he said someone was going to have a bad night. I would much rather have seen him take out his rage on someone a bit more believable. Oh, and if it were a Dibbun, it would've made him such an utter jerkcreep, I would've loved to hate him forever. :wub:

As for my other rankings, I just love the heck out of Vist's melodrama, and even if it's not supposed to be intentionally humorous/cheesy, I've decided I'm going to live in my own little dream world and pretend that it is! The best written one in the category (besides Gashrock) is Risk by a long shot, weird oiled up vixens aside, but I didn't find him an especially interesting or complex character, so he's second to Vist, who, had Gashrock not blown me away with both her strong writing and characterization, would have won the category for me. I've just grown oddly fond of him. I dunno. I might start wearing a sparkly "Team Vist" t-shirt or something.

All in all, it's kind of an odd category to judge. For me, Gashrock was miles ahead of everyone, but after that, it gets a little tougher. Again, I kind of wish we'd had more to choose from.

[Rousseau]

Finally, the biggest issue I have with Poko is that she has no major flaws. Don't be fooled by the money bag mistake. I don't buy that that was a legitimate flaw, because, to me, it only served as a plot device to then show off how awesome and spectacular she is at disguise and no one is ever, ever going to catch her. Like ever, for serious, you guys. I get the distinct impression that Poko is going to succeed at everything she does in life, ever. I just happen to find that pretty boring in a character. I can picture her in the contest always getting the upper paw, always outwitting and outsmarting everyone, even beasts like, more than twice her age. She's 14. If ever there is an age to have flaws, that is it. Teenagers can often be very impulsive, and don't always think ahead. I know. I was that age once.

This is basically what I had a problem with as well. She can be super special awesome at thieving and whatnot, but I want to see what happens when she's not in total control over a situation. I want to see her actually get caught and have to figure out a way out of the situation without having to rely on her father. I want to see her independent, but I also want to see her fail, because she would develop a lot better if she does.

You summed it up very well Tara.

[Vizon]

2. Ferrets absolutely reek. I love 'em, but boy, they smell bad. And these are descented ones at a pet store that I'm talking about. I might have believed the musk thing working with just about any non-mustelid character, but when the guards do show up to arrest them, isn't it going to be a little suspicious if just one of their members practically bathed in perfume?

Ha ha - Oh I guess I thought when Poko sprayed the strong musk on herself that it was really musk - not perfume (which made me wonder if it was like...urine or something disgustingly glandular like what hunters spray on themselves to attract deer...

I'm uncertain that what has been written is all there is to the situation either. I doubt the father would just stand around and get caught. And if the angry badger can't find the perpetrators he might take issue with all the group. We just don't know what happens after. Or, for that matter, if this is even Yew. I don't think Yew has dungeons if everything's built out of wood...
And, as someone else mentioned - maybe this isn't the first time Poko has gotten caught. That could be seen as a flaw...except that most of Pyracantha's troupe ARE probably thieves and tricksters. They must have some strategy to deal with troubles their members might get into. I imagine them all as carnies, personally.

I think also that Poko would have been caught if the badger hadn't knocked her hat off - that she just took advantage of the fact that she knew the stolen goods were not on her at that moment. You know - luck not skill.

Oh well. I find it strange how opposite our opinions are, Tara. I feel the same about Risk as you do about Poko I guess, yet you like Risk and I like Poko. Go figure. Maybe I'm more sensitive about unnecessarily sensual descriptions and you're more sensitive about SPAG and we're both left with bad tastes in our mouths over very different issues.

[Balmafula]

To be fair, regarding Risk, it WAS just one sentence. I think people are harping on that a bit too much.