Blood, Gore, Cuteness

[Zevka]

Hey there, jacks and jills! I know I've been a ghost lately, but there's no way I'd miss reviewing a new Redwall Survivor contest (huge thanks to everybeast involved in getting this running!). For those who don't know me, I played Zevka in Mossflower Odyssey I, Zash in Mossflower Odyssey II, Venril in Redventure 4 and Nallmian in Midnight Mossflower I. I love these contests, and I'm really looking forward to reading this one.

A few things to know about my reviewing style:
- I love bright, fun, colorful worlds with just a streak of darkness to them. A flash of the seamy underside of the world or a character who snaps when pushed too far is fine -- and goodness knows, no contest would be complete without cute furry animals killing each other violently -- but I want to know that there are things and beasts in this universe that a worth fighting and struggling over. I'm a big comic book nerd, and one of the things I look for in comics is a sense of fun and a sense of wonder.

- My giant pet peeve is Funny Animals (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/FunnyAnimal), by which I do not mean comic relief characters. Funny Animals, as used by tvtropes, refers to settings in which the characters are animals who for all intents and purposes could be human. They act, talk, think and live like humans, and unique species traits are played down. No, I want to see a good mix of human and animal traits that makes the characters unique. How do different species live and behave differently? What kinds of things do they have to make or buy? How does it affect their thought processes? By the same token, I don't like it when the societies in these kinds of worlds are just alt universe versions of (fill in human country/culture here). Make something original!

-I love worldbuilding and dialogue. Get these two things right, and you've mostly got me. I am, however, a terrible SPAG checker, and will probably never ding you for SPAG.

-Above all, make me want to know what happens next! If you can get this right, there's only just so much I can or will complain about anything else.

I'll be starting the Top 30 tonight, hopefully. Which brings me to one other thing: I'm having a bit of a family crisis right now, and periodically find myself swamped and exhausted. Because of this, I am going to take longer to review things than I or (probably) the cast wants. I may take a couple of days to respond to things, and I can't guarantee having every post reviewed before voting, though I will try. I don't sit down to write reviews unless I have the time and energy to do it right. I do promise, however, that I will do all in my power to get to each post eventually.

And without further ado, let's get this started!

[Airan]

A wild Nallmian appeared! Good to see you, man! I really look forward to reading your thoughts.

[Fern Greenwood]

Whoa, hi Nallmian! ^_^

[Zevka]

So, huge apologies to everybeast for missing out on Top 30 reviews. I've been absolutely swamped lately, and it's really done a number on my life. Anyways, though, if you really want one of my reviews of your character, PM me or just ask in the thread and I'll do one.

Anchors Aweigh:
This starts with a wonderfully domestic bit of characterization that sets up Mr. Rosequill with a beast as everything to live for, but also one who ultimately has more to lose than to gain from this whole excursion. Oh sure, lots of gold would help his family, but it seems to me that the Rosequills could still be happy without it, even if it meant a bit more time apart. From this, we see that there's currently only one goal that should really matter to Robert: surviving. He's a punchclock hero who really just wants to make a living and make it back to his family, and you can keep the ideological crusades to yourself around him. Maribel is a ridiculously cute little scamp, and in a very short period we actually gt fairly good characterization on both her and Violet. They both clearly love each other and Robert very much, but I sense that Violet is a great deal unhappier about Robert's absences than we fully see here.

The little conversation with Fildering is a fair-to-middling introduction for the hare -- it would have been nice to have seen more of his personality in his first appearance, but I understand that sometimes these things are not feasible. Atlas, on the other paw, is chilling. He wants what he wants, when he wants it, and "it's not possible" is an unacceptable answer, even if it's true. Also, I think "I don't care about your family...I was just making sure you do." may be one of the scarier lines to every appear in a Survivor contest. The way that Atlas' own subordinates seem to dread him so much speaks volumes about the type of beast he is -- the colonel standing as far away from him as he can, Crue's shock and alarm at encountering him. But kudos to Robert for standing up to the badger! You got in an unexpected bit of depth here -- Robert seems so mild-mannered that you don't expect him to be so unflappable in the face of somebeast so scary.

Crue, by the way, gets a much better first appearance than Fildering does -- we see her mix of devotion to duty and neuroticism on full display, but also that she may be a bit out of her element here. I'm saving most of my thoughts on her for next time, though. It's also interesting to see theft be such a problem on a woodlander ship run by the Long Patrol. I wonder how the strain of many seasons of aggressive operations under a less-than-sane commander has strained the Long Patrol. Sure, Atlas is obviously a talented military leader in most respects to have inflicted such damage to his enemies and pursued them so vigorously, but if he's threatening families and even his own colonel wants to avoid him, I imagine there's at least a few cases of him really going overboard.

Bottom Line: Good atmospherics and great job establishing Robert, and to a lesser extent Crue. Atlas comes off as an NPC with lots of potential uses.

For the Future: Once things really get moving, Robert needs to develop a strong, clear motive(s) for his actions other than just surviving. Generally speaking, the characters who have the most influence on the story have more driving (or pulling) them than just making it back to home and family. Have him assume responsibility for more vulnerable crew members, or make some close friends, or decide that something is going on that he just cannot bear to sit still for. Robert's family-centric motivation is realistic (who wouldn't think in terms like that), but there need to be things for which Robert is willing to take risks, mess with other beasts and be an active agent in the story. Obviously this isn't an issue yet, but it might be time to start at least thinking about how to set it up.

[Robert Rosequill]

Glad to see you're able to start reveiws, Zevka :) I've been looking forward to your review, and thanks for a very insightful one.

And as said in Matra's reviews, I'm working on some kind of motivations for him.

[Zevka]

Crue: Bane to Balm
This was one of the best posts this week in terms of showing off the full breadth and depth of the character's personality; we get to see everything that makes Crue Crue, from her dedication to her idealism to her slightly neurotic feel. We can see that Crue is a friendly enough healer, but that at her core she's all business, and she knows exactly what she's doing. However, a cynic she is clearly not. Her reaction to the thefts goes well past annoyance or anger at lost property. Crue feels betrayed by the fact that she was hoping for a ship full of honest, comradely beasts who would live up to the high standards she believes in, and the fact that she hasn't makes her feel deeply disappointed. I get the impression from this post that Crue is a somewhat lonely creature with few close friends. She's amiable enough, but there's something formal and standoffish about how she deals with beasts; she holds them at arm's length. Crue is also the second beast in a row to get whalloped over the head with the fact that Atlas is what the American Psychological Association's diagnostic manuals refer to as ?Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs,? and I can already see that Atlas is almost certainly going to be the Big Bad (or one of them) of this story.

There's not too much to say about Crue's reaction to the stolen poison: it was pretty much what one would expect for that kind of situation. However, here's a thing to think about: when somebeast ends up hemlocked to death, is anybeast going to believe the fact that Crue was not in on the poisoning? We know that Crue is a scientifically-minded beast doing real research, but a suspicious-minded beast might ask the question ?Why exactly did you decide that you had to experiment with hemlock on this particular trip? How do we know that it was really stolen without your knowledge?? In short, Crue seems like an obvious suspect to anybody who isn't an audience member.

Overall, the word that comes to mind to describe Crue after this post is ?introvert.? This isn't just a word that describes whether you talk a lot or not, it refers to whether someone generally gets energy from or puts energy into social interactions. Crue's introspective personality and her comfort spending late nights all alone with her sciencey stuff are really the main indicators here.

Bottom Line: I feel like I know Crue pretty well after this post, and the plot has been nicely moved along. The one weakness here is the weak use of other characters, although this is a less serious problem early on. Robert's appearances are more to keep everything coherent than to shed much new light on the character, and Fildering might as well have been an NPC for all of his importance here.

For the Future: Have Crue come out of her shell a bit, and give other character(s) some meaningful screen time. Maybe have Crue have some sort of traumatic incident that leaves her needing some reassurance. Or have her drink a bit. Or give her a mystery to solve with somebeast else. The possibilities are vast.


Vasily: We Are Going to Have a Most Wonderful Party
This post was a bit of a mixed bag for me. On the one paw, you did fantastic work with Ciera, Vera and Chak. In one post, I feel like I have a very good handle on the Silver Maiden as both a group and as an environment. We get a great look at Ciera's grim, world-weary pragmatism and gravitas, Vera's mixture of whimsy, creativity and cold-bloodedness, and Chak's surly taciturnity. Vera, especially, was handled superbly, and I feel like I have a much better feel for her than I got from her app: her love of cooking seems to be entirely sincere, as does her talent, but she's wholly unperturbed by using Vasily as a poison sponge. On a more understated level, you also did a great job with setting atmosphere and the physical environment, which is often much harder than most people would think.

Vasily himself is, unfortunately, a bit less interesting to me than his environment. We see that he's a scoundrel, but a rather ineffectual one ? albeit, that last part may be a product of circumstance. He's a pathological liar, but he doesn't sound like a particularly convincing or charismatic one: can't get his story straight, uses obvious tricks like the ?heads I win, tails you lose? schtick, etc. His other problem is that he seems too conspicuous in his sleaziness: everything about him screams ?chronic backstabbing disorder.? Also, I am not fond of the constant telegraphing of Vasily's lies. I'd like something a little bit more subtle. Let him carry on a lie without being so obvious and inconsistent about it. On the other paw, you have gone and built in a clear motive and a clear story arc other than just ?survive,? and you seem to have a good sense of the need to ration out information on the story arc over time, never giving too much or too little at once.

Bottom Line: A great introductory post for the ship and the crew, but Vasily so far is not especially vivid or memorable. Still, I do understand that fact that you might have needed to do this in the service of the wider plot arc, and will tend to be fairly lenient for the first round.

For the Future: Focus on Vasily's personal story, and stop telling us every time Vasily tells a fib. Keep doing what you're doing with his character interactions: you have that part down pat.


Chak: Chak the Cruel:
Chak is probably one of the most chillingly evil characters I can remember reading in one of these contests. The way he Stockholmizes the slaves is horrifying, and clearly the work of a master manipulator. It's also a reminder of the legitimately dark side of this world: a lot of us, and I will fully count myself among them, like to play down the slavery part of the ROC universe. Why? Well, for starters, it's almost too dark, too depressing. For another thing, the vermin of the ROC tend to be both nicer and more genre savvy than the canonical vermin; Zevka the character was raised on tales of slave revolts, and decided that the risk was just plain not worth it. And in the wrong paws, it can go wrong plenty of ways. Here, however, it is handled perfectly.

So, what do we know about Chak here? We know he is cruel, but in a clever, practical, manipulative way. We know that the rest of the crew acknowledges his skill, but that he doesn't really fit in with them because of his species. We know something of his background, but not how he got from Point A (scraping barnacles off of hulls) to Point C (being a slavedriver), and there's surely more story there. Seems like plenty of material for a long character arc.

This is a superbly written post overall, filled with lots of compelling (and smelly) sensory information, and creates a memorable villain. The one potential weakness I can see here: Chak is SO evil that it does limit what you can do with him in some ways: he does not seem the type to make close relationships, or to be accepted into them by others. Writing such a distinctly villainous characters opens some doors but closes others.

Also, one of the most interesting NPCs so far? Minstrel, definitely. There's two interpretations I can see of his character. First one is that he's a bootlicker who wants to just survive a little better than other slaves. The second, more interesting one, is that he is actually a master manipulator who has managed to play Chak just a little bit. Now, I'm assuming that most of the slaves are not going to make it very far into this story, given the fact that most recent stories have involved very high casualty counts among NPCs, but please don't just shwack Minstrel if you can possibly help it. He seems like a very versatile NPC.

Bottom Line: Great post, no real complaints. Chak is a memorable creature for sure.

For the Future: Chak seems highly susceptible to becoming isolated, especially later in the story. Let's face it: nobeast inside the story is ever going to love Chak, and he needs some way of making himself indispensable that is not purely a product of his slavedriving. Other beasts are not going to hang out with Chak for fun or because they really, really want him to live. Plan for that, and find another way forward.



Gordon: Scully Smells a Rat
Scully feels a bit like a Young Adult novel protagonist ? and I mean that in a good way. He's sympathetic, he's relatively clever, but he's also somewhat out of his depth, and you did a great job conveying his sheer vulnerability: this is a young, not-very-trained hare on a ship full of seasoned warriors who wants to kill something much, much bigger and nastier than himself. There's several very clever moments here, including the scent collection, which seems like a very versatile plot device: don't let the bottles get smashed up too early! Scully is at this point fully aware that his original plot was woefully oversimplified, and that he just plain didn't understand the difficulties involved. Rather than dwelling on this, however, he improvises and tries to find another way to his goal. I didn't love Gordon/Scully's app, but my opinion of the character has sharply risen here. This post present a versatile, adaptable protagonist full of promise and potential plot threads. What happens when he meets real vermin and finds that this particular bunch are mostly pretty disagreeable? What about if he's forced to sacrifice others in the name of his plan to kill Atlas? There's so much you can do with this character!

The one part of this post that I am not crazy about is the conversation with Fildering and Redshirt One and Redshirt Two ? I mean Barak and Berek. Seriously, I would be shocked if these two make it into Week 3 without at least one of them dying horribly. Anyways, this was kind of a boring conversation, to be honest, and I feel like you could have taken the whole thing out and not had it leave much of an absence. Especially since Fildering did basically nothing here. However, everything else worked really well, especially Plink's introduction at the end, which is adorable for both characters. The Atlas conversation also works well.

Bottom Line: Gordon ends this post feeling like A Main Character of the story, and I can see many roads ahead from him. I genuinely enjoyed this post a great deal.

For the Future: The sky's the limit here.

[Zevka]

Plink: Crow's Nest
Plink is a great foil for Gordon: all bombast and cynicism compared to Gordon's mix of practicality and idealism. She has clearly taken the ship and made its environment her own, and her ability to survive tells us a lot about her abilities. This post did feel a tad slow-paced at times, but nothing too serious. It also gave me a better idea of the physical environment of the ship, and further fleshed out the relationship between Plink and Gordon ? in contrast to Gordon's vaguely warm and fuzzy feelings about her, she'd just as soon stick a knife between Gordon/Scully's ribs as look at him! All around, this post is a great companion to everything Gordon just wrote, providing lots of new perspective on his actions. There's also some good worldbuilding here: Atlas favors his hares, even though he is more than willing to make use of other species. I suspect that the hares, because of their heritage (no pun intended) have probably supped more deeply of the Atlas Kool-Aid than a lot of other woodlanders affiliated with Atlas. While I'm sure there are a few zealots of every species, I'll also bet that a lot of the non-hares are like Robert: they may believe in what they're doing, but at the end of the day, it's a paycheck. Or whatever they use instead of checks. Come to think of it, what do beasts use to pay for things in this world? I know MOI and MOII saw more use of currency or precious metals, but this setting has a very different, more traditionalist feel to it. I'd love to see more about the inner workings of the world here.

Although I enjoyed this post, I actually find myself not having that much to say about it. I realize this is not Plink's fault: her character category puts very significant limitations on what she can do and who she can interact with. The fact remains, however, that she feels like she is more important for her role in other beasts' story arcs. She has an interesting enough personality, and we get plenty of inner dialogue, but in truth, Plink has not made as much of an impression on me as several of the other characters. That said, I am not going to grade too harshly this time around, because of the fact that the Stowaway category, by its very nature, implies that the character will spend some time avoiding social interaction on a wide basis.

Bottom Line: A solid post, but I wasn't floored. This is one that I hope to go back to another day and go over again ? I recognize that this was not one of my more insightful or helpful reviews thus far, and I want to give you more than I have.

For the Future: The relationship with Scully is important, but you need to quickly and effectively build up relationships with other Zephyr characters as soon as you can. Robert seems likely to turn into a guardian/mentor type figure to both Scully and Plink, and maybe to Fildering as well.


Ciera: Yo Ho, Haul Together
So, let me say this up front: I LOVE Ciera so far. She seems like an insightful, contemplative guile anti-heroine with tons of potential for the guiding the plot. This post gave me a wealth of information about the setting ? a look at Blade's charisma, a deeper sense of the decay in the corsair community, the realization of just how smart and determined Ciera is going to have to be to lead a crew that is desperate, frustrated, demoralized and generally held together by spit and toothpicks, the clever intrigue with the murder attempt, etc. However, this post also showed off some of Ciera's potential weaknesses, namely the fact that she has a serious risk of becoming isolated because of the fact that she is an authority figure. In short, her strength and weaknesses as a character are largely a product of one another.

Authority characters are hard. The problem with them is that there's a sense that a ?leader? character is supposed to maintain a certain amount of distance and objectivity from the beasts under his or her command. In a setting like this, where a knife in the ribs can upend the hierarchy at any moment, this is even more of an issue. Ciera, as we see, has dealt with one murder attempt already, and expects to see more. Now, if this were a real life situation, there would be a certain logic in her not really getting to close to anybeast; however, in a contest, holding everybeast at arm's length does NOT pay off well.

Here's the bottom line: Ciera needs a buddy. Not a ?trusted subordinate,? but an actual friend, or as close as one gets to that when one is a corsair captain. She needs somebeast she can trust and share some of these really interesting, deep thoughts of her with, and who is willing and able to give her bad news and tell her things she doesn't want to hear or talk about. If Ciera is just an authority figure and nobody's friend or confidant or anything else, we are never going to get to see her entire personality, and it will severely limit your options as the story moves on. Ciera needs to be a flesh and blood ferret jill with feelings and relationships, not just the captain.

Now, that said, there's a lot to like about this post. The writing does a great job of setting the scene, explaining what is going on and fleshing out the corsair crew and its vessel. I agree with whoever said the Zephyr feels a little more crisply defined right now, but this post goes a good way in the right direction. Most of all, you did a fantastic job showing us what is inside Ciera's head. Compared to Vasily and Chak, I feel that I have a much more complete understanding of who Ciera is, how she looks at the world, and what she thinks and feels ? I would compare your writing style most to Crue's post, which was also very centered on one introverted, thoughtful character. Actually, come to think of it, I see Crue and Ciera as having a lot in common: both very cerebral, somewhat introverted characters who are able to have a commanding presence when they want, but are loners at heart. I will also say that Ciera has gravitas ? lots of it. She feels like she absolutely deserves to be captain. The perspective on Tooley is interesting also ? you should have put more of the other characters in this post than you did, but what you did put in was very solid.

Bottom Line: Love the character, but the post was too introspective. Both Ciera's strengths and weaknesses were on full display here.

For the Future: Like I said, Ciera needs to make some friends, and fast. We know who Ciera is ? let's see her with others.



Side Note: I wanted to separate this from Ciera's review, because it is an overall comment on the story: I wholeheartedly agree with the observations that way more seems to go on on the Zephyr than on the Silver Maiden. This is not the fault of any single writer, or even to the credit of any single writer on the Zephyr ? the story clearly establishes that the Silver Maiden is a vessel in somewhat of a state of chaos, with recent casualties and leadership changes, a crew partially composed of conscripted POWs, and other problems, while Atlas runs a much tighter ship. Furthermore, the plot is in a very early stage of development. This is not a major problem yet, but I would definitely like to see more action on the Silver Maiden

[Airan]

Hey, Nallmian, I'm loving reading your thoughts. Just popping in here to answer a quick question:

Come to think of it, what do beasts use to pay for things in this world? I know MOI and MOII saw more use of currency or precious metals, but this setting has a very different, more traditionalist feel to it. I'd love to see more about the inner workings of the world here.

They simply use gold. Atlas explains it in the second prologue:

"That is the port of Hearth and that..." he said, pointing to another faint cluster of them many leagues away that the hare could just barely make out, "is Merchant's Rest. Both of them, as well as many others along the coast, were built by beasts who were promised gold in return, which they received. And with that gold, who knows what they did? Perhaps they used it to get food from a baker, or to buy the finest cloths from a seamstress? The point is, colonel: gold is power. With gold, you can make a beast do anything, give you anything. Blade knew this. And what if there was a vermin like Blade, a smart vermin, who found this treasure? They could form an army. Have beasts follow them without question. Rebuild their empire.

[Captain Ciera Ancora]

Hi Nallmian!

Really appreciate the review. I will say that there is a lot of character interaction planned for upcoming posts. The nature of week one and Ciera's position make it difficult for that interaction to take place until some circumstances change, but there's definitely a lot of that in the pipeline, even if it won't be immediately appearing in the first week. (It'll be worth the wait, I promise!)

[Plink]

Thanks so much for taking the time to write these up, Zevka! I hadn't really thought about the post being such a companion piece - but I suppose that's a pretty natural effect of focusing the entire post on the development of a single character relationship. I was aiming for a small character arc, but the whole thing does kind of read like a drawn-out reaction to Scully. Bit of a bummer for me, but like you mentioned, it's difficult to shake that isolation in the stowaway role.

And yes, if you do think of something else to add about my post(s), I'd certainly love to hear it. I appreciate the insight you've already given, though. :)

[Zevka]

Tooley: Closer to the Edge:
So, Tooley starts us out with a bit of kit-like playfulness before gradually pulling us into a darker, sadder story than what I originally expected. Tooley, despite his physical proximity to events, is very much on the outside looking in, and this presents a good opportunity for exposition and worldbuilding. However, we also get a really good look at Tooley himself. He's a friendly, guileless, idiosyncratic creature, and the strongest impression of him that I get is one of loneliness ? even more so than with Crue. That said, one gets the impression that Tooley doesn't actually feel that unhappy ? it is only we, the audience who gets the full blast of that. Tooley's state seems almost like a sadder, more muted version of the sort-of-almost-but-not-quite-ADHD that most mustelid characters seem to be carrying around ? he can't focus much on anything, and ?loses? things easily, but it also is a defense mechanism that helps him protect himself against the unhappy backstory hinted at by things like his question about what a beast should do if their family does not need them.

Daggle provides a good bit of exposition here, but much of what he tells us is what we already know. Anybeast who's gotten this far knows that the corsair world is reeling, that everybeast on the Silver Maiden is stressed and scared, etc. The interesting part here is Tooley's reactions ? he clearly doesn't really get what's happening, or what he can do about it, and seem like he's just along for the ride. His interaction with Vasily is similar, in that it mostly recaps information we already know but puts a Tooley spin on it. And the bit at the end with the hat is a nice touch.

Bottom Line: Definitely one of the more memorable characters in a cast full of them.

For the Future: The one pitfall I can see for Tooley is if he winds up becoming too passive and just gets swept along with the current of the story. Because part of his intrinsic nature is to be confused and unsure, it's going to take good writing and better planning ahead to make sure that it's clear that Tooley has some agency in this story. Additionally, so far other characters seem to all have the same basic relationship with Tooley ? a mixture of pity, protectiveness and willingness to exploit him. This makes sense, but these basic themes need to develop in different ways over the course of the story, because otherwise it is going to make Tooley's character interactions blander than they should be ? although I think they'll never be TOO bland, since Tooley himself is so colorful.



Fildering: Shapes in the Fog
I came away from this post with VERY mixed feelings about Fildering. One the one paw, the writing in the post is clear, vivid and strikes the right balance between detail and conciseness. I know exactly what is happening, what it looks and sounds and smells and feels like, and why I should care. I also get a clear sense of Fildering himself. While I do like the overall development of his character within this post, I also think that Fildering missed a chance for a more subtle, gradual, complex character arc by jumping ahead too fast in his first post. Simply put, Fildering's opinion of Atlas and this whole enterprise has flipflopped too fast, to the point that it makes him seem too close to Scully/Gordon by the end of the post. What might have been better is if Fildering had started out not being so totally oblivious to Atlas (he seems to be the only beast on board who has no idea that there are problems there!), but still believing in the mission ? maybe he's come across pirate-raided villages or seen freed galley slaves, and as a result, he believes extirpating piracy is worth putting up with Atlas' excesses. At least in the abstract. Then he sees Atlas about to kill Plink, and suddenly he feels more doubt. He still can't banish the memory of scores of half-dead woodlanders with chain marks on their wrists, or seeing orphaned otters or whatnot, but now he's starting to realize that maybe he let himself pretend Atlas was less crazy than he really is. In other words, something more gradual. Right now, as I've said, you end this post feeling too similar to Scully...but nobeast is going to be a better Scully than Scully himself. The good news is, there's lots of other ways to go. Scully is defined by his clarity ? he decides what he wants, and then plans to get it. Maybe Fildering should be defined by his doubt ? he thought he knew what he wanted, but feels more and more confused as he realizes how little the outside world resembles the one in his head ? he can't make himself believe what Scully does, or side with the corsairs who've caused so much heartbreak and destruction, but grows to see Atlas as the wrong beast for the job of stopping them.

The execution scene, other than my gripes about Fildering's overall arc, is very well handled. Everybeast watching seems appalled, but they are too scared (With great cause!) of Atlas to do anything ? and it makes them all feel a little ashamed of themselves. Everybeast so far has done a great job of building up Atlas as one of the nastier villains of the series. He's not that complex ? everybeast knows what he wants, and why he wants it ? but he's just so powerful that stopping him will be very hard.

Bottom Line: Great post, but I'm feeling very ambivalent about Fildering as a character at this point. He's not bad, and there's lots of room to go, but as of right now, I'm not feeling his story arc. I think you tried to do too much here.

For the Future: Already said all of it.

Vera: For Whom the Bell Tolls
So, this post serves largely to flesh out and develop things we already know about Vera: her devotion to the art of cooking, her intelligence, and her ruthlessness. Vera wants primarily to cook and to survive, although the bit about the family heirloom suggests some other motives too. The writing here is clear eyed and expressive, and I can picture everything in my head perfectly. This is one of your big strengths: everything is really crisp and vivid, with nary a wasted word. Food is a huge part of this world, and I am glad to see shipboard cuisine get past skilly and duff and seaweed grog. The ability to improvise meals will be hugely useful if, as later posts suggest, the cast winds up somewhere not inboard a ship. I also like Vera's ability to recognize how absurd parts if her environment and situation are: one gets the impression that if she had had a few days notice of the rat, she would have escaped some other way!

Also, Vera is just fun, in a cast that tilts towards darker, more serious characters. She's cheerful and witty and entertaining to watch. Don't lose that: it's important to keep a suitable balance between light and dark within the cast. I do not think Vera would necessarily benefit from too much trauma.

On the other paw, Vera needs motives other than just living til the end. Right now, she is in it purely to survive, but that limits her role, and she needs higher stakes than that. We need Vera to care about or hate somebeast, or to have other things driving her. Also, her past is a cipher, but an interesting one: let us see more of it.

Bottom Line: A very solid first post. You held my attention well, and moved the story along swiftly.

For the Future: Your weakness is the same as Ciera and Chak and Crue's: Vera is, at the end of the day, a loner. This is fine in real life, but a giant problem in contests. I'll give you the same suggestion I gave Ciera: give Vera a buddy. Also, Vera seems a candidate to at some point interact well with Scully and Plink: she's not over-invested in the whole Waverunners vs. corsairs thing, and so would probably not let it get in the way of surviving more immediate dangers. She has the same punch clock quality as Robert: she really just wants to survive, but she needs other things to want. Pure survivalism does not make for as interesting a role in the story.

Fildering: Impact
Now this is more like it, insofar as Fildering's character arc. This evens out what had initially seemed like a too-fast bit of character development. Fildering still thinks Atlas is crazy, but he has not abandoned either loyalty to comrade nor the jolly old blood 'in' vinegar of a fighting hare, and we see both of these things on display here. Fildering really wants to be away from Atlas, and he clearly feels guilt over almost getting Plink killed. His efforts to get elsewhere bring him into contact with a saboteur, presumably Chak, and also let's him spend some time with Dwinno and Drandy. And this brings is to a problem: so far, Fildering's important interactions are mostly with NPCs. Oh, sure, he DOES things to other characters, but that's not the same as interaction. His relationships with Atlas, the NPC sailors and Waverunners soldiers matter more and are better done than any time spent with Sculy or Robert or Crue. Also, although this is not your fault, I cannot help but notice that Fildering doesn't do much in other people's posts. His role in Scully's and Robert's posts could honestly have been performed by just about anybeast. You do action very well, but you need to flesh out Fildering's relationships.

That's not to say this is a bad post. Everything good I said about the previous Fildering post is still true. Furthermore, Fildering is shaping up to be a dynamic and complex character, with great versatility and promise. Just make sure you keep him tied into the characters vice the NPCs.

Bottom Line: A good action post that helps establish Fildering's character arc.

For the Future: focus on relationships and dialogue.

[Fildering Dillwithers]

A jolly-flippin' big thanks for the reviews, Zevka! I also thought he should have more involvement and relationships with other characters; in short, the reviews on him have influenced me to do as much as I can on my side to give him interaction with other contestants. Whether or not he will feature in others' posts more often is, o' course, up to them, wot, but I'll try more on my end of the bargain. He did interact with Tooley there at the end for awhile, but it wasn't real relationship interaction, as you said. Well, from Fildering's point of view, a duel might be...but I don't think Tooley Bostay shares his sentiments.
But anyway, again, thanks a lot for writing these!

[Tooley Bostay]

Oof, and I forgot to thank you for the wonderful review, Zevka! I so appreciate hearing people's perspectives on what I write, and what they take from it. I've heard from numerous reviewers that Tooley does run the major risk of being passive and submissive to the other characters, and it's something I'm definitely keeping in mind every week. Hearing it again here just helps to remind me to keep my chapters forward-facing and strong.

Thank you once again for the review. Pleasure hearing your thoughts!

[Zevka]

So, middle of Week 2, and I still haven't review anything. Sorry, IRL has been whuppin' my tail. I'm going to start off at the beginning of Week 2 here, but if you want my opinion on Week 1, just drop a comment in the thread and I'll do my best to oblige.

Tooley: Mea Culpa:
Poor widdle woozle! Tooley's sorrow and frustration makes you want to give him a hug. Oh sure, the reader knows it's not really his fault: a much larger vessel smashed into his and the Silver Maiden was fighting a losing battle with the Waverunners. There is no way this was ever going to end well for the Maiden's crew, no matter what Tooley did, but try convincing Tooley of that. This was a nice, workmanlike post that moved the plot along nicely, uniting Tooley, Crue and Daggle, who I'm sure will have a long, safe, and fulfilling life alongside his dear friend Tooley. Still, Daggle is useful as a foil for Tooley ? he's a more typical corsair, and shows us just how poorly Tooley fits in, even though Daggle appears to feel at least some affection/protectiveness towards him. Come to think of it, one wonders how Tooley got into and survived in a corsair crew. One doesn't get the impression he's a total neophyte, but he doesn't seem to really have the abilities needed to not either die in battle or get picked off by a more predatory vermin. Clearly, something happened at some point that cemented his position with the crew of the Silver Maiden.

The sensory imagery here ? Tooley's visceral crying, the dead ferret jill with the snake tatoo, the flotsam and jetsam (nautical folks: is there a difference between these two things?), and the ocean itself are all very well handled. It does make me notice something, though: the problem of overheating/dehydration. These are furry animals doing heavy physical labor in a part of the ocean that is far enough south for Vera to find a papaya in a few posts. Most mammals are actually less efficient at handling overheating than humans, because human have sweat glands. Dehydration is going to be a constant, serious menace, and they need to solve it, at least temporarily, very soon. Like, right NOW. If these creatures do not find at least a temporary supply of fresh water, it is going to be a very, very serious problem. But that's for everybeast, not Tooley. Back to Tooley.

Daggle's fractured leg serves as a good icebreaker with Crue, although the squiddle does not seem like the sort of beast to necessarily care that much anyways about things like species and then  Waverunnr/Corsair thing: she's just a professional healer, and doesn't care about much more than that. Tooley does seem to be able to connect with her fairly well, through his off-key singing and general lovability factor, although more needs to happen to solidify and characterize this relationship: right now, I don't see anything to stop Crue from re-distancing from Tooley if, say, something tragic and totally unforeseen were to happen to Daggle, thereby removing her patient from the equation. Which brings me to an opportunity I see here. Right now, Tooley's needs all flow in the same direction: he needs stuff from other beasts. He needs Ciera's patience, Daggle's companionship, Crue's boat and healing skills, etc. Tooley needs to be able to provide things to other beasts. Maybe have him be able to lend a paw to Crue, thereby moving their relationship past the point of just healer and patient's bystanding friend.

Bottom Line: A solid job: The plot moves forward nicely.

For the Future: Covered it mostly, both here and elsewhere: Make sure Tooley doesn't just get swept along by the plot. He needs to have agency. Here.




[B/Ciera: Never Shall We Die:[/B]
And BOOM! Ciera grabs the plot, tackles it to the floor, and twists its arm behind its back! I really liked this one, and it seems like you've taken the advice about Ciera the Loner to heart: you've kept everything I like about Ciera while setting her up for much better interactions now and later. The first part of the post, in the rowboat, shows us Ciera still preferring to some extent the company of her own thoughts, but trying to reach out more. However, her later realization that she realy, really does not want Vera to die, her attempts to interact semi-civilly with with Fildering and Robert, and the last saving-throw at the end all serve to bring her out of her shell, and in a good way.

We get all kinds of interesting insights out of this post. Ciera was clearly more than just another one of Blade's captains. Even in your last two Week 1 posts, I got the impression there was some kind of personal bond here, but this makes it much clearer: Ciera was a major part of Blade's designs from at least early enough for things like the coin experiment. She clearly once believed in his ideas, and just as clearly, is starting to realize that Blade, for all his cleverness, was probably never really going to get what he wanted. The thing with the coin does seem a bit contrived, and it does make a certain amount of sense for the corsairs to fail it: after all, how can you trust that these two strangers will actually give you the second coin? That said, it does kind of make sense as a test of sorts.

Ciera's interactions with Fildering are good enough: they clearly don't like or trust one another, but Ciera is already starting to internalize the fact that they are in a very dangerous ?hang together or hang separately? situation that could easily end with everybeast dead. All of Ciera's logic in this post makes perfect sense: she is one very calculating mustelid. My big disappointment here was the relative lack of attention on Scully. She notes his curiosity as being unusual, but you missed an opportunity here for the two of them to interact in some way. I don't expect a long conversation here, but the silence between them cries out to be filled: what does Scully, the idealist who by all appearances likes vermin (or at least the idea of vermin) better than woodlanders and hates Atlas, think about all of this? How is he going to react to Ciera? Actually, I see Ciera and Scully as being very similar. Both are very calculating and very clever, and yet both of them have spent significant parts of their lives carried away by Big Ideas that have fared poorly upon contact with reality. Blade's achievements ultimately proved wholly insubstantial: Blade is dead, his captains keep dying horribly, as evidenced by the long list of names in your last post, and everything he touched is falling apart rapidly. Scully, meanwhile, seems to know little about vermin that did not come from a book, and may be in for some very rude awakenings ? and yet, at the same time, pretty much everything he believed about Atlas proved to be completely true and accurate. Atlas really a homicidal maniac driven by rage and fanaticism rather than justice. These two need to spend time together. A lot. I really, really want to see them interact.

Ciera and Vera is clearly a moment of uncomfortable vulnerability for Ciera, who is not used to the idea of valuing her crewbeasts on such a personal level. However, the vixen's own actions, both here and later, show that the Power of Friendship has yet to thaw her heart ? which can and should be a fairly gradual process. Ciera and Robert, meanwhile, seem like they can learn to get along and at least sort-of respect one another: they're both pragmatists and leader-types, and Robert in particular has never come off as somebeast who cares much about fighting piracy ? not to mention they've both got kits to go back home to.

But the best part of this is the very last scene. Ciera can see she's totally out of options and room to maneuver, so she does a totally unexpected thing: she just surrenders and gambles on non-Atlas woodlanders not wanting to just kill her and Vera straight out. And then, when Vera's stiff-necked obsession with the amulet almost gets them both shanked, she loses her temper, vents what is surely years and years of grievances with all of pirate-kind, and realizes that she said something really boneheaded: ?Hey everybeast, I knew Captain Blade!? But rather than stumble and trip on her own words, she picks this up and runs with it: and in doing so, she manages to get back some control over the situation. Who better to keep around on a treasure hunt than the treasure hider's BFF? The woodlanders, at least if they want the treasure, can't just shank her, or her crew now. This is a perfect moment of characterization for Ciera, in a post that's full of very good ones. It also establishes you as one of the people helping to drive the plot and make things happen.

Bottom Line: Really enjoyed this post. I know Ciera much better now, and you've planted the seeds for all kinds of interesting situations. I'm really excited to see what happens next here ? you've built suspense very effectively! Great job, this one really makes me happy.

For the Future: Don't stop! Keep up fleshing out things with Vera and Robert, and for the love of Vulpuz and Emperor Chatterley (HIS SPLENDIFEROUSNESS!), get some face to face time in with Scully! I can't emphasize this last point enough!



Chak: Get in Line
I am going to do both of your posts at once, since Retribution was pretty one-note. First off, you do a  great job establishing Minstrel as one of the best NPCs I've seen in a long time. He doesn't immediately jump Chak with the Dirk, and he even rebuffs Robert ? I can barely imagine the strength it would take for somebeast kept a slave for years to not leap madly for the first hope of freedom. Robert clearly thinks he has major Stockholm Syndrome, but there are little hints that this might not be the case ? specifically, the fact that he knows and marks the real name of each lost slave rather than the names Chak assigned, his apparently heartfelt song of grief, etc. The other slave reads like a Redshirt (will be shocked if he does not die horribly within a week or so), but Minstrel is really shaping up to be fascinating.

Chak himself, on the other paw, is harder to get a fix on. He is clearly upset by the deaths of the slaves in more ways than simple anger at the material/fiscal loss involved, despite his brutal treatment of them in life. If I had to armchair psychologist him, I would guess that he views the slaves as an extension or supplement to himself, such that harm inflicted on them is a direct and very personal affront to him; their loss also represents a loss of the niche he's managed to carve out for himself. I do find it interesting that he's just so unafraid of Robert, whom we have seen to be a quiet badtail. Chak is not only not intimidated, he comes off as somewhat blithe to the danger he is potentially in. It almost feels like too much blitheness, honestly ? Chak is not a stupid beast, but he appears wholly unaware of the peril posed to him by other woodlanders. To be honest, Minstrel almost upstages Chak himself in this post. Still, the overall product is very good: this is another clear, well-written, plot-advancing post.

Bottom Line: Great job on Minstrel, he's awesome to read, and the post overall was quite good.

For the Future: I worry that Chak may have limited options going forward. Sure, Robert decided to shrug his shoulders at Chak's position in the crew (?My job is to get home to my family, not risk my life making a point about slavery being bad?), but I can foresee others being less forgiving, and at the very least, Chak could easily become a bit too much of a pariah. I'm not sure what advice to give her, save that you need to be careful that Chak does not wind up on the outside of the story looking in.

[Captain Ciera Ancora]

Thankee kindly for the review, Zevka! Don't worry, Scully and Ciera will certainly wind up interacting later on, and it'll hopefully be everything you dreamed of.

Just to kind of clear up the coin thing since you're not the only reviewer to mention it, that was inspired by an actual psychological experiment that was run a few decades back. Children were given a marshmallow, and told that if they managed to resist eating it for a certain length of time, they'd get a second one. They found that children who failed the test grew up to be significantly more selfish, impulsive, and reckless in all aspects of life.

It's also not meant to be an isolated memory, either. There's a reason why I included it there, and you'll see soon enough.