A Wild Treedog Appears! (MOIII)

[Chak Ku'rill]

Ladies, you're both pretty.

YARRRR HARHAR HARRRR! Yer killin' me, squirrely!

[Sycamore]

Eheeheehee. Delighted to meet the new cast, Chak and Crue. I always love seeing characters on board. It's actually one of my favorite parts of these.

I did some searching and I found the teaser!! I figure that would be as good place as any to start.

Piracy is officially dead, slain along with the legendary King of all Pirates: Captain Blade by the paws of the Badgerlord Atlas Stormstripe, and the Rogue Crew.

CAPTAIN BLADE!!! I hope he's a wildcat!!

[Tooley Bostay]

Ahoy there, mate! I ain't got no puns (forgot all the good ones...), but I'm awful 'appy t' see another reader! I'd love t' see yer thoughts as well, as it's a gran' adventure everyone is writin'! An' yer a treedog, ain't ye? Do y' live in trees? If so, I surpose yer perspec'ntive would be mighty dif'rent! Like a watcher in th' crow's nest! ...err, cept ye ain't no crow.

Any'ow, lookin' forward t' yer treedog look at th' story!

[Vera Silvertooth]

Ah, very nice! Always good to see another reader, especially one who is a previous victor. I do look forward to your perspective of our adventures!

[Fern Greenwood]

Oh lawks-a-mercy. Hello there Syc! I was hoping you'd pop up at some point; seems we've got quite a crew of veterans hanging in the wings, but I'm THRILLED at the new talent on display in the contest!

[Sycamore]

Hi folks!!!

Tooley! That's a story and a half, haha. I'll just ask you if you're familiar with the legend of the Greenstone Leaf.

Hihi, Vera! I like your animated avatar. It is super cute!!!

I just want to let you know you're both in my top three now.

HI FERN!!! How long has it beeeeen? So glad to see you too! Ahh!!!

I read the prologues!!! I see now why Airan is sporting the scarred badger man as his avatar. It's Stormstripe! I like the idea that he's like a puppy, really cute and sweet but prone to massive fits of rage that can leave you dead if you're not careful. Unfortunately, he is not like a puppy at all so I'll have to get over that.

From what I've gathered, Stormstripe is a crusader, out to destroy all vermin and using that whole "ends justify means" business. I like these types of characters because they've got super blaring vices. I find it interesting that we haven't been given much sympathy towards the vermin yet. Jacques was always very black and white when it came to his species but I know the ROC (and the Survivor community especially) likes to grey things out a bit.

Even so, following Leadbone in the first prologue, you get a sense of nervousness and apprehension about what's going to happen. You don't have much sympathy towards him because you know he was a jerk and he's going to get his just desserts. Same thing with the other folk in the tavern. No one is there because they work an 8-5 job and are a contributing member to society.

Even Swiftpaw doesn't care about the supposed genocide that Stormstripe is hinting at. He's just worried about sending innocent beasts to their deaths. Who wouldn't?

So that was the first thing I noticed. There's still a species divide in Mossflower, goodbeasts vs. vermin, classic Jacquesian formula, "if it ain't broke don't fix it". I'm interested to see what the cast is, now. I understand at this point the cast makes up the crew Stormstripe sends off to their deaths, and from the few who have posted in this thread, I see we have a weasel and a fox on our paws. What is Swiftpaw doing employing vermin, hmm?

Hmm...

In any case, if I understand correctly, Swiftpaw is good and noble, Stormstripe is a nutter, Bart is fat, Leadbone is dead, and there's a nameless leveret that I trust will persist throughout the rest of the story.

Yes? Good.

I'm about to tackle the Thirty. I'll probably just focus on the contestants for now, though I'll at least skim the rest because I know we like to reference apps in our stories.

Who's first on the agenda? The Prisoner on Board?? Well, I guess that might explain one vermin in our ranks.

[Vera Silvertooth]

Hihi, Vera! I like your animated avatar. It is super cute!!!

Avatar is complements of the amazing Vizon. I could only dream of such skill!

[Chak Ku'rill]

Might 'elp ye ta know thar be two ships sailin' ta claim Blade's legendary 'oard. One be Stormstripe's vessel named the Zephyr an' the other be a small leftover pirate galley called the Silver Maiden. Only vermin on Stormstripe's vessel be a stowaway.

[Plink]

An' that's me! Plink the... Something! Yarr!

It's awful nice ta see a new reader/returning vet on the scene. I'm excited ta read yer impressions, matey!

[Sycamore]

Two ships, eh? I'm gonna have to look back at the application rules, then. I did not know that. Thank you, sah!

Vizon has the best art, haha. I know she's been following along for a while now, but it's awesome to see her work again!

And hello, Plink! What ... are you? Some sort of mouse? Rat? Vole? I'll figure it out, don't tell me! Edit: Oh, wait, I just found out I can't read. You must be a rat, heehee.

Aiight, if anyone is still interested on top thirty stuff, I got some notes on the Prisoner on Board.

TOOLEY!

"Really should tell th' Cap'n 'bout this..." he mumbled to himself, frowning up at the troublesome leak.

This is like, the best opening dialogue in the world, hahaha.

Especially that one time he had kitchen duty and a knife somehow wound up in First Mate Ginson's  soup.

Oh my god, I can see Ginson now. I hope he's a wildcat.



I like Tooley! He is super cute! The prose was nice and straightforward, easy to follow, though I did have a bit of confusion when Daggle came down to announce Ginson's death. I wasn't sure if this was something that happened while Tooley was in the brig and he was being let free because innocence, or if this was the reason he was thrown in there in the first place and they just didn't bother telling him until now. Seems like the latter.

Tooley obviously doesn't have any idea what's going on, which means the murderer could be anyone. Who, though?



Only thing I'll tell you is to watch your tenses. Your first line is present, but the rest of the piece is past.



Nisky!

Nisky is absolutely adorable. I love elderly characters and Nisky's grandmotherly charm is just so endearing. I understand this isn't a scene in which she is a prisoner, but it's real easy to get that inference and figure out why she would be placed in this category. I haven't read anyone else's reviews, but I'm curious to see what other people thought of her. Usually characters applied that don't fit their category to the T are frowned upon. It'd be interesting to see what her reception was, because by all rights, her writing and characterization is amazing.



Brother Bogdan!

?Of course I believe in ghosts. Souls. Immaterial minds. Haecceities. Obviously, they?re typically contained in our bodies, but sometimes they hang around a bit after our bodies are gone ... this is not really a surprising thing after you encounter it a few dozen times, Sergeant. Everyone sensible believes in ghosts. What we don?t believe in are ghost ships.?

Ahahahaha!!! Considering this was the basis for Nyika, this tickles me to no end.

But before Brother Bogdan could finish the blasphemous sentence, the door burst open. An axe blade swiftly removed the head of the unsuspecting hare, and a sword blade found itself lodged at the mouse?s throat.

Well, that was unexpected.

I was actually really excited to see Brother Bogdan as a second applicant in which he's not a prisoner in the app stage. Just like Nisky, there's enough inference to understand that if he refuses Stormstripe's offer, he will be taken by force, which essentially makes him a prisoner anyway. I kind of wish he kept that angle, because the ending just came out of nowhere.

I think it would have been more effective if he had planted some seeds throughout the rest of the piece. If Brother Bogdan was nervous or jittery for some reason, then we'd have a sense that not everything is all right with him. He could have thrown some hints in the dialogue between Bogdan and the hare (who actually doesn't have a name and that's sad. Without a name I can't relate to him as well, which would be fine if I'm not supposed to relate to him, but I didn't get that sense here. The hare's not intimidating, he's sympathetic and honest. He's a good guy and I'm supposed to like him.) ... sorry about that tangent.

He could have thrown some hints in the dialogue between Bogdan and the hare, when the hare is looking around at all the books and expensive things, just the drop of a line like "How were you able to collect so many books again?" and Bogdan can just wave it off and say "Oh, umm, I got a grant, from a respectable goodbeast." Just something to prepare me.

I'm looking back on it, and you actually had a prime opportunity to do something like this. When the hare's looking at the expensive tapestries, Bogdan could easily have slid in and said "Oh, do you like what you see? It took me a lot of effort to get those tapestries." It's perfectly in his character because he's smug and self-righteous.

In any case, I know this is too late but it's food for thought. Rule of thumb, from what I've found out, is don't surprise me. Give me hints, lead me around, make me think and doubt what's on the surface. Then you can throw me for a loop because now you can say "Oh, did you get all that? Now check this ace up my sleeve!" Then I'd be all like





...

I'm already putting way too much time into this, haha. I don't even know if some of these applicants are still here, but I think anyone can use these critiques even as late as we are. I'll do the Cook next. Vera, I expect to see you there.

[Fildering Dillwithers]

I say! An' a smashin' good 'ello t'you, sirrah! Otter, is it? Nautical cove type, is it? Jolly! Can't have too much o' a good thing m'blinkin' mater always said, donchaknow!
Hmm, now where've I set eyes on y'bally fizzog b'fore. . .hmm. . .I just know I've seen y'. . .somewhere. . .

No matter! Welcome back from y'dashed old hiatus, sah, an' jolly well good t'have y' on board f' this nautical tale, wot wot!

[Tooley Bostay]

Greenstone Leaf...? *Googles* Oh. Outcast of Redwall. We don't have a good relationship, that book and I.

Thanks so much for the review! Your thoughts are a joy to read, mate, and you seem to have a thing for wildcats. =P I actually got multiple comments on the timeline thing being confusing, so I admit I goofed there. Alas! I did check back on it, and I do believe the first line is past tense. Present tense would be "The brig is especially cold this night," aye? Unless it's the "this" which trips it up.

Would love to see the rest of your thoughts, so you've got the Tooley vote on your side! (It's worth about as much as German mark circa early 20th century.)

also there may or may not be a wildcat application somewhere but ssshhh

[Sycamore]

WHAT??

Outcast is one of my absolute favorites!!! What do you mean you don't have a good relationship with it??

I met Brian Jacques when he released it. He came to the states for a tour and visited my suburban town in Connecticut. That book holds a near and dear place in my heart, and it transcends past the story. I was 11 years old.

I love that book. Sunflash the Mace is my favorite badger lord in the entire series, and Skarlath ? oh man, Skarlath. I cried when he died. He was the inspiration for an old kestrel I apped in one of the Redventures, 2 or 3, I think it was. I don't actually remember his name. I wonder if he's still online somewhere. I'll see if I can find him.

Sycamore was a character I played in ROC: Survivor 3, raised by squirrels who named him after Firjak's stone, which was meant to unite the races of squirrels and otters. He had a fear of water because he almost drowned as a kit. So he was basically an otter-squirrel, haha, hence the treedog aspect. He became my ROC persona because I did well in the contest. Man, that was back in 2004. I'm so old!!!

Sad to say, if we can't come to terms on Outcast I'll have to knock you out of my top three. That's okay. It gives room for Plink or Fildering.

It was "this" that tripped up the tenses. I would have used "that", personally, but no matter. It was literally the only error I saw in the whole piece. I can't wait to see Tooley once I crack the story proper. He seems adorable, hee. Congrats on making it in!

And Fildering! Hello!! I understand you're dead!! Thanks for spoilers!! I hope you had fun! These contests hold some of my favorite memories, and I really hope you enjoyed yourself. Don't worry about being knocked out. Think of the good times, and keep with the group. Noonahootin, Poko, Istvan and I still frequent the MOI chat and a better group of friends I could not pick. We all went through a lot together.

Haven't had a chance to read the cooks yet, I'm afraid. Got wrapped up in a few things tonight. I'll try to tackle them tomorrow. Pretty sure I will be reading the whole 30, against my better judgment. It's 4am where I am now. I don't know why I'm up.

[Tooley Bostay]

K-knocked outta th' top 3? ...did I ever tell ye 'ow much I love Outcast o' Redwall?

:P Nah, I can certainly see why the book would be special to you, then. That's really neat that you got to meet him! For me, I was super pumped to read the story since I found the concept really interesting. While I liked Sunflash and Skarlath, Veil was a total and complete letdown for me. And don't even get me started on Bryony. Beh. 'Twas a disappointing book for the reasons I wanted to read it, at the very least.

And hooray! Cooks! Just be sure you don't exhaust yourself on the top 30. Ye ain't even t' th' story, mate!

[Sycamore]

...did I ever tell ye 'ow much I love Outcast o' Redwall?

NO YOU DID NOT.

Nah, I understand what you mean. That was what I felt was the series' biggest shortcoming, Jacques's inability to explore a side of creatures that weren't simply black and white. Heck, even the goodbeasts could be really bad sometimes, but the only good vermin I can remember was Blaggut from The Bellmaker.

In any case, I have a few notes on the Cooks. Not as many as I got for the Prisoner, so I apologize for that.



ORWIN

I would have loved for this to be the first prologue written from a different perspective. It would have been super fun to see. As it stands, I got a little lost trying to settle myself in an unfamiliar location.



WILLOW

An otter! A vermin otter! Props for letting the prose describe him as it went on, though I'm not sure if it would be better to start me off with a clear picture from the get go. Hmm...

Each time someone says a new line of dialogue, give them their own paragraph. It helps me figure out who's saying what.



VERA

Vera! There you are! You're a sassy one, heehee. I think we found out who put that knife in Ginson's soup. Vera's smart, resourceful, and not above murdering a fort filled with beasts for stolen trinkets. I'm excited to see her in the contest. She seems like a super fun one for interactions.