Storyteller's Vigil

[Tooley Bostay]

Beasts Who Like to Cut People for Their Own Good

:stoat: --- Jasper Hooklaw --- [song]

I really enjoyed reading this. The pacing is fantastic, and this was just a fun scene to read. We're slapped right into the action, and so much of the action informs us of Jasper's character. There are a lot of good choices here on the part of the author. Like, take Balgar for example. I think a lot of author's would be tempted to just say "it was Balgar. Black ooze betrayed a gut wound..." They'd jump straight to the "he's injured and there's nothing to be done," but instead, the author plants us firmly in Jasper's mind. He sees a close acquaintance, runs over to help, but then his experience and knowledge as a medic takes over, and he realizes there's nothing to be done. That extra step means a lot, and it really helps to better engage the reader in the scene.
Excellent word choices too. "Arrows peppered the mud around them," "slicing just behind the beast?s lower jaw to sever vein and artery," etc. Love the bookends of this piece, also, with the arrows and Jasper hating them. It's a touch of color that's well applied to the character.

Matra's the one to usually call this out, but the passive language dotting the piece does hamper the engagement of the reader with the scene. "He had felt the pulse of a major artery," (when exactly? Better to just put it when he feels it, and give us that instant reaction of Jasper realizing "oh shoot, this needs to come out NOW"). "They had walked barely four steps when an arrow thudded..." (distances us from the moment. Could be better to just describe them walking away, then the lurch of the rat as an arrow thuds into his back.)
A minor thing, but the "war cry" from the otter feels out of place. I seem to remember war cries in Redwall - especially by goodbeasts - only ever being phrases. "Eulalia!" "Blood 'n Vinegar!" Etc. Betrays perhaps a lack of familiarity with the source material, but that's so minor that I'm not dinging any points off.

If you get in, Jasper's author, then keep up the good work. Jasper obviously has the capabilities of forming bonds with beasts around him (great for cast interaction), is also a capable warrior, and isn't a stranger to the violence of it all. I think his struggle will be coming to a point of being willing to fight for something even in the face of overwhelming odds. That otter who wants to kill his patient? No big deal, really. But an escape attempt/revolt in a heavily guarded garrison? That might require a lot more faith in overwhelming odds. Which is good. That breeds conflict for the character.

What I think will happen? Jasper does well in the arena, and given his disposition, even begins to work his way up the "chain of command" that's present. He wants to leave, but he'll struggle with whether or not he should do the right thing, when it'd be a heckuva lot easier to just rest on his laurels and reap the rewards of fighting in the arena (though that'd likely burn his medic's conscience, resorting to a life of murder). Depends on what direction the author wants to go, but whatever Jasper does will have huge impact on his fellow cast members--he strikes me as a shaker of the plot, not an observer.

:fox: --- Kentrith Hapley --- [song]

As others have already mentioned, really risky move adding Nire in, and putting Kentrith that deep into the canon-workings of the plot. I think it paid off well, though. Probably more than any other app, I've been thinking a lot about how interesting Kentrith's story might be, and just how much he could bring to the table, being a beast that knows closely how the arena works. He's ripe for all sorts of interesting cast relations (could be a mentor type, could be a rebel plotting escape, could act as a bridge between the cast and the larger story to be discovered, etc), and also would be an excellent source of worldbuiling.
I'd be remiss to not mention how much I enjoyed the writing. There is a truckload of details dotting every paragraph. From the "arterial spray" in the beginning, to the "inferior suture material," to the nice contrast of this sentence: "froze with the blade of his knife submerged in boiling water." I have a very clear picture of all the details present in the scene, and it really draws me right into the action.

Despite my praise of the writing, there is some oddities that prevent me from really getting sucked in. In the first paragraph, after describing the hare he's working on, there's this sentence: "The black-tipped ears twitched in irritation." The black-tipped ears? Whose? I'm positive it's Kentrith's, but it's an odd choice that stutters the pace of reading. Likewise, I'm not a fan of describing people's motivations or morality via adverbs. See: "The lynx leered evilly." The words are evil enough. We really don't need this breadcrumb to make sure the audience gets that, yes, Nire is not a nice dude. I love the details work of the app, just maybe with another round of polish to clean up these odd bits.
Also, and honestly more important, I think this app does more to build up Nire/the arena than it does Kentrith. Everything I said about how he'd be really interesting to see in the story? It's all true, but none of it is really based on Kentrith as a person. I'm interested because he's a veteran and he's been in the arena for a while, not because his personality is compelling or his own story is necessarily interesting. There's the bit about his youth/mother, but I'm not entirely sure what to take from it besides "he misses better days." I understand what the author was getting at, and I appreciate them showing that there's more to Kentrith than just his gruff exterior, but that bit of backstory could have been handled more smoothly.

If you get in, Kentrith's author, then understand that right from the start, you will be a valuable character. Of all the apps, Kentrith knows most about Nire and the workings of the Crater. That alone would likely keep you until Round 3 or so. Do not coast off of that. Because it will get old, and you will get voted off. Build Kentrith's own, personal story. Let us root for him and be interested in his story. You seem to have an idea for Kentrith's backstory and why he's in the arena in the first place. Good. Make use of that. These contests punish the lazy, so be sure every week to keep building an engaging story around Kentrith's character, and you'll be fine.

What I think will happen? Kentrith is an amazing source of worldbuilding for the cast and readers, and is also a dang compelling character. ...for the first few weeks. But, MO:III Ciera-syndrome strikes, and his own personal story in the moment just falters under the weight of more compelling castmates. His death post is dang awesome, though, and serves as a catalyst for the surviving few.
i love you ciera don't hate me

:poko: --- Maeve --- [song]

There's a lot grounding this app. Right from the start, that compress with the fungus and millipedes just sent my skin shivering, and though I'm not sure if that's a proper medieval healing technique, I'm going to believe the author's knows their business. Point being, it's real, and raw, and makes more "Redwall" sense to me than, say, Kentrith's surgical prowess.
The dialogue between the sisters as well was fun to read. It's sharp, snappy, to the point, and you clearly get a sense that these two know each other. In particular I liked the "Quiet" bit. Good transition there into the latter half of the app.

Others have mentioned it, and it's true. I don't believe for a second the feats performed in this app. Maeve getting struck by multiple arrows, carrying her sister, and outrunning hares? Sorry, no way, no how. Problem is that I really love the scene idea of a healer having to guide unprofessional paws to heal them, and I wonder how much stronger the app would have been had it focused primarily on that, but as it stands, suspension of disbelief lies on the floor in shattered pieces.
There are also some odd word choices throughout the app. "The linen ribbons about Maeve's wrists quivered" - linen ribbons? Eh? "She's gone for good and you're. You're." - The period is weird. Is this supposed to be Rilla trailing off? "then their sprint became more a gallop." - by the dictionary definition, a gallop is actually the fastest pace of a quadruped. And etc.

If you get in, Maeve's author, then you'll have to figure out what makes her character and quest compelling from a week-to-week basis. If all she has to strive for is finding her mother/sister outside of the Crater, and the Crater is basically nothing more than a forced pitstop on the way over, then I worry she won't last long. I love the balance thing, though. I didn't notice the silver/sable duality until I saw Vizon's avatar, and I love your use of theme throughout the app. Look to that to inform meaningful interactions with the rest of the cast.

What I think will happen? Maeve, as part of her character arc, will have a hard time forming bonds with the cast. It's a risky play, but pays off, as her personal quest can now be related to the quests of those around her. Her balance shtick is engaging, but the story ends up taking a turn that dwarfs her more narrow goals, and she struggles to catch up.

:weasel: --- Tooley's Verdict

Maeve is good, but I just find myself so much more interested in Jasper and Kentrith. And between those two, I'll be honest that I have no idea who I prefer. I like Jasper's character better, and his app was such fun to read, but Kentrith promises such potential in regards to developing the world. Every time I think I prefer one, I think of a reason to shift back to the other.
I think my choice will ultimately be decided by who I'm voting for in all the other categories. If I feel Jasper fills more of a void, I'll pick him. If Kentrith, then him.

[Tooley Bostay]

Love Means Never Having to Say You're Sorry

:weasel: --- Ander --- [song]

This first half of this app really shines, with some lovely character-focused scenework. The starting line, the Dummy/Dimmy bit, and I love him clinking his goblet against his reflection. Ander's an easy personality to get a grip on, but we get such a clear picture of him right off that bat, which works well for this type of character. Get the brass tacks of the personality down quick to move on to more important scenes that use that personality to tell a story.
And this line: "The poker-faced rat captain extended a paw and Ander shook it for all he was worth." This is glorious. It's a perfect example of bringing back to mind that which was foreshadowed (the poisoned daggertip) without being obvious or flippant. Of course Ander is shaking it for all he's worth--he's wanting to make sure that dagger is making contact! The line later on about the poison working does counteract this excellent bit, but I'll let that slide. Others have already commented on it.

The last fourth of the app is very rushed. He jumps up, declares victory, then he's running, then he's begging for mercy, then he's getting captured. These all basically happen within a sentence of one another. It's not so much what happens, but how it happens. By having Ander run, you're implying a journey, which takes time. But that is all of one sentence, and then he trips and we're immediately jumping into dialogue. A bit of whiplash, running from one moment to the next. Probably better to just have one of the pirates step forward and grab him/punch him to the ground. Keeps things in the same "stage" where the scene is taking place.
Some odd bits throughout the story that made it hard for me to track what exactly was going on. Take this line once he steps out: "and were proving easy targets for the pirates, whom already thought they had won." With "proving easy targets," it makes it sound like they're being killed, especially with the followup of the pirates thinking they won. Or this part: "He glanced up at his adversary while he freed his sword.[...]Ander panted; surprised at the exertion it took to finally wrench his rapier free." I thought he'd already freed his sword, so the whole bit of the vermin laughing at him was a bit odd, and odder still when suddenly he was still pulling it free.

If you get in, Ander's author, then realize you're up against a mighty big challenge. There's nothing to empathize with Ander about, at least as shown in this app. He's a cheat, a narcissist, a coward, and he cares about no one else. Now, we don't need to like Ander, but we absolutely must empathize with him. We need to understand where he's coming from, even if it means he's not that great of a guy. Give us that picture of Ander, so that we can root for this jerkwad as much as he roots for himself.

What I think will happen? Reality check in aisle nine. Ander is smacked hard with a dose of truth when he has no one to order around, and certainly no one is threatened by him. He becomes some beast's toady, and we see him slightly humbled and beaten down, but he slowly festers resentment, until one night he shivs his "master" and decides he won't take it anymore. How far he gets from there? No idea.

:fox: --- Blu --- [song]

Let's start at the end, because that moment was dang awesome. Give this lady a guitar riff and some 80's movie pyrotechnic explosions to boot. I loved how the garden tools tied into the end--Blu has limited resources, so she has to use what's around her to make it work. In this case, the choice of garden tool accentuates the moment--it's rough, not really meant for that purpose, but it will turn deadly if you finally step too far. A perfect reflection of Blu's own character. Also appreciated were the little animal touches throughout the app. Her snarling reflexively, or her "barking" a warning. The actions themselves are nothing special, but kudos to the author for choosing to take the path less traveled and bring a touch more spice to their character.
The app is firmly devoted to tone, and throughout the entire piece we get a clear sense of what Blu is feeling. I appreciate the little moments that break away from it, though. Like the description of how each of the kids are handling the journey, and what they do. It's nothing simple as "Moira's shoulders sagged and her pace lessened." Nah, she starts sucking on the ear of her doll. It's such a small little detail, but it helps give life to the moment.

But I do think there is too much of a focus on sympathy in this app. She's in the stocks. She's beaten and bruised. Her landlady is kicking her out. Her belongings are tossed out. She's on the road. Robbers show up. This isn't the first time they've robbed from her. Etc. Yes, it is sad to read, but that's because the situation itself is so easy to feel sad about. And every single detail of the app - from the scenes chosen, to the NPCs used - is only to accentuate this one single facet of Blu's character: that we're supposed to feel sad for her.
But I don't want to just feel sad for her. I want to know why these things are happening, and what she's going to do about it. Unfortunately, we don't see her make a meaningful choice (as far as developing her character) until the very end. "But, Tooley, what about when she decides to leave the village behind? That's a big choice." It's a big moment, but not a big choice, because what else could she possibly do? It's simply the flow of water at that point--of course it will flow downstream. And even with that final scene, while it is sharply executed, I'm still not impressed by the choice. What mother wouldn't fight for her kids? Furthermore, before that great moment, the scene mostly further points out just how passive Blu's character is. She's been robbed before, let it happen, and even at the end lets them rummage through her things until they go for her kids. Her kids are ultimately her only defining feature, because without them, I don't feel like I know a whole lot about Blu. As an example, if her children weren't a factor, what would she do in the Crater? From the app, I expect she'd just stand by and take it.

If you get in, Blu's author, then I want to learn more about her. You're a capable author with a strong grasp of tone, but I really want to learn more about Blu. I want to see what she'll actually do in difficult situations, and what defines her outside of her children. Her children obviously meanthe world to her, but her children aren't the app--Blu is. I have some hope, though! It's implied that she did try and steal to pay off her rent, so she is at least capable of wild actions, so I want to see more of that. A lost, angry mother having to figure things out one step at a time.

What I think will happen? Blu's key motivation of her children is compelling in the beginning, but it's clear that she needs something more to grip onto. Whatever the thrust of the plot is, she ends up weaving her way into it, though a little bit roughly, yet this gives her a driving purpose to lead her further into the story. Whether this compels the audience depends on how well she executes these new character arcs.

:otter: --- Minerva --- [song]

I appreciate the balance present in this app. The scene with the weasel is chilling, but it's all in service of Minerva as a character--exactly what I wanted out of something like Black Jasmine. From the start, with how close she puts herself to the weasel by picking up the chair, to wiping his snout, to her story and threat--every bit of discomfort and unease informs us just what Minerva is like, and what she's capable of. Which is a lot. The second half of this app shines in particular. We get so much just from her cleaning the blood off that fishhook--both in knowing just what type of brutality occurred off-screen, but then also what the hook itself means to her. That she is a beast of nostalgia, at least in some regard.
The bit with Fable is also really nice, and serves as an excellent bit of promise that there's more to Minerva. Does she go overboard in her protection of Fable? 'Course, but we get all the nuggets and hints of why, from her scarred paws at the very beginning of the app, to her caressing the fishhook and muttering to herself about scary dreams. It's clear to us that those nightmares she's talking about to Fable have indeed come true before, and whatever happened has led her to this point of violence and uncompromising defense.

There were some bits that confused me, with the whole deal with the husband being the most notable one. He's an oaf, then she's regarding his gift fondly, then there's a "question" he asked her (marriage proposal?), and we don't even know if he's dead or not? I have guesses to answer all of these, but that's all they are--guesses. And, as a small aside, I didn't get that the weasel had fallen over until Minerva goes to pick it up, so the author needs to keep an eye out for those details that prevent the audience from picturing the scene clearly.
One of the twists of the app - that she kills him anyway - was expected. it was clear from her wording what was going to happen, and while them being strung up as warning to future trespassers was nice, I wanted to note that some moments were a bit more on-the-nose than the excellent tonal work in play throughout the app.

If you get in, Minerva's author, then I want some answers to what exactly has brought Minerva to this point. I have no question of her capability to fight in the ring, but I want to know the why, lest she just becomes a vengeful, bloodthirsty beast. From the bits we see in the app, I'm confident there is a lot more to Minerva, just don't neglect to show those details and take us for a ride. You play your cards right, and I can see you getting far.

What I think will happen? Minerva haaaates the vermin she's forced to fight against (and alongside). But she hates Nire even more, as no doubt Fable is somehow caught up in all this. Some of those walls come down, and we'll get to see her learn a think or two about what vermin are actually like. But some of those walls will also be further fortified, as her knowledge of the evils of beasts is reaffirmed--by vermin, as well as woodlanders.

:weasel: --- Tooley's Verdict

Minerva all the way on this one. Ander is nice, but I don't find myself interested in his story. While Blu's writing is solid and the character is heartrending, the heavy focus on pitying her lost me. Minerva strikes just the right balance of someone who seems to be genuinely motivated by love, but also is a significant and dangerous threat. She'll be a force to be reckoned with in the arena, and there's enough in the app to give me hope that she has a lot of room to grow. Very much want to see where her story goes.

[Tooley Bostay]

Don't have a whole lot of time before Sunday, so gonna try and get the rest out fast as I can.

Made in Mossflower^tm

:stoat: --- Aldridge Moor --- [song]

This was beautiful. It has such a homespun feel to it, which ties so wonderfully into the theme of Aldridge's character. There's a sense of "belonging" and peace that runs through the whole thing. Seriously, literally every single paragraph has some tender detail or touch of color that just wraps us into the world--wind of the birds, memory of him cutting his paw, the phrase defining Aera, habits from times gone by, yew for the young one to better use, bluebells, etc. Nowhere in this app is anything as simple as "the sky was blue. There were clouds." The author describes the world and characters with such vibrant care, and it's not simply for poetic merit either, since so many of the details are also character-fortifying. There's just so much color and detail and life to this app and GUHHH I LOVE IT.
As for Aldridge himself, I like how he's a character who already has what he wants. Seems almost like a bad thing, since he seemingly doesn't have a quest to pursue, right? Except we all know that one way or another, this is all going to pot, and he's about to lose everything. I am fascinated to see exactly he'll react to it all. I don't necessarily think that he has some dark past, like Thrayjen, but he strikes me more as a beast who's fighting for the bigger picture. For larger concepts than just "survive." Then again, I wonder how his desire to be "needed" or "belong" will play out in the arena. Could be that he's tempted to "belong" to the wrong sorts of people.

Tons have mentioned the first person/present-tense perspective, and I'll just repeat it super fast here. I'm not docking any points at all for it, since no tense was dictated for the apps, but it is something to note.
The initial conversation between Aldridge and Aera really threw me off.

Shall I bring her tomorrow? Oh! Smoked fish and pea soup and bread, by the way!?

I sniff at the air. ?And Brack?s got to the pepper again? Any time tomorrow, I?m not going out for more wood for a few days yet.?

She chuckles. ?He?s only allowed to do that to his own bowl now, don?t worry.?

Bit off a little bit more than should have been chewed, as the flow of him responding to two different points, and then Aera responding to his first comment just doesn't flow at all. It's probably the one major flaw to this app, and that's something that would easily be picked up on by peer review, should you make it into the contest itself.

If you get in, Aldridge's author, then realize that while I absolutely adore your writing - and you should be extremely proud of this piece - you need to give Aldridge a compelling quest/journey/arc once he's actually in the Crater. You have an excellent handle over NPCs and using them to bolster your character. That's great, but don't do that in the contest itself. At least, not exclusively. Have Aldridge make meaningful bonds and moments of strife with his fellow castmates. Play off of one another, and you'll do just fine.

What I think will happen? Aldridge gets in, and takes the horrors of the Crater surprisingly well. What he doesn't take well, however, is seeing some of the people he loves get slaughtered. Standing by isn't an option, so he dives headfirst into this new, horrible world he's found himself into, in hopes of saving the few friends he still has. He struggles with losing himself in the darkness of the Crater, however, and will need the help of some new friends to keep his head above the metaphorical water.

:mole: --- Strathcomb Piccadilly --- [song]

Strathcomb is not a hare?! Call me astonished and slap a dunce cap on me 'ead! I bet you had a laugh seeing all of us be so sure that Strath was a hare. Well played.

Another really, really good bit of writing. From the start, huge props on the glorious mole accent. This struck the perfect balance of dialect and readability, but more than that, you got the heart and feel of mole culture down. The sort of "simple beasts who take joy in their work, so long as they're treated fair 'n square, burr aye." The conversation between Strath and his fellow moles in the beginning is an excellent representation of this. It's simple, tinged with good-hearted humor, and perfectly shows us just what sort of beasts Strathcomb is.
I also like how we see exactly how much of a leader Strathcomb is. He has every reason to just shrug his shoulders and move on, but he is a ~beast o' th' common folk~ and he'll stick by them through thick'n'thin'n'deeper'n'ever. Why does this matter? Because it tells us exactly what kind of beast he'll be in the Crater. The really interesting part comes when one asks how he'll act around vermin, or if he'll be even willing to kill other beasts in the arena. Maybe Nire has something planned for when that happens, since surely holier-than-thou woodlanders is common.
Finally, props on the setting of the scene itself. While a mine for moles isn't necessarily surprising, it works wonderfully to show Strath in his natural habitat, and I enjoyed the touches of creativity with the railings and Urthrow's office overlooking all the moles.

A little too much on Strath's side of the ring. He's taller than any of the moles. He's an inventor. He's a smith. He's humble (takes criticism of his product without skipping a beat). He's a leader to the moles, and respected by every other beast. There's... not a whole lot that Strathcomb isn't. I'm not saying he should have some dark secret, but surely he's not good at something. One might say he'll probably have poor eyesight in the sun, which is true, but I'd like to see more character/personality-based flaws.
The scene itself doesn't quite feel... natural, either. Strath just so happens to be showing off his new invention when the overseer comes in and everything follows. It's not at all egregious, but on my following reads, I could more pick up on the "author's hand" showing in how the scene was constructed.

If you get in, Strathcomb's author, then give us some faults in Strath's character. He's a bit too "perfect" right now, so I want to see what he struggles with. The arena, luckily, is the perfect place for this! I'm realy interested in how he'd act around vermin, so make good use of the opportunities for cast relations with your castmates. Don't just have Strath form connections with the "easy" choices. Dig deep, get Strath out of his comfort zone, and see where it goes.

What I think will happen? Strath is a natural leader, and despite the horrors and vermin around him, he realizes that they need to make an escape. A Great Escape. Problem for this diggin' mole? Nire broke his digging claws when he came in, so he needs to rely on other beasts to watch for guards, steal tools, and dig their way to freedom. It's a race against the clock, and Strath isn't sure how much longer he can withstand the strain upon his morals with the bloody battles in the arena.

:weasel: --- Tooley's Verdict

These are both exceptionally good apps. A joy to read them both, truly, but I have to go with Aldridge. The writing is such a joy to read, and his character just appeals to me more than Strathcomb. That is no slight upon Strath, though, as I fully expect the vote to be tight between these two. Whoever doesn't get in, you did fantastic job. If either of you are new, I truly hope you'll stick around, because I would love to see more of your writing.

[Tooley Bostay]

Not gonna be able to get these reviews all done before the vote, but I know how much it stinks to be left out from a review spread, so rest assured, dear readers, that I will get to the last three categories over the next week.

In the meanwhile, though, I have some promises to keep as far as reviews go, so I'm gonna finish those before I get to the rest of these. Stay tuned, folks!

[Tooley Bostay]

THE WEASEL STILL LIVES

I will be reviewing the story, but I promised to finish my app reviews, so we're gonna do that first. Pirate's Honor an' all.

Beasts Who Shoulda Taken That Left Turn at Albuquerque

:nyika: --- Jarl --- [song]

A wildcat! Hooray!

This was a fun read, with a ton of character in it. I genuinely laughed at several parts. The poor souls getting run over in retreat, Jarl casting off the blame on someone on the tavern, and then the whole warrior spirit to flee thing. While the setting is a bit old-hat (tavern), the color of Jarl and the writing used to express him is very enjoyable to read. Also, I don't know entirely if it was intended, but this line made me chuckle:

a classier type of vermin. More fur clothing, less decretive skulls.

Fur clothing in a world of animals probably indicates more barbarism, though perhaps a little less than skull-wearing.
Also some good wordplay. I love the bit when the wolverine enters the room. "...until Jarl realizes that he is not staring out into the night but at one massive beast" is an excellent bit of writing. You instantly feel the imposing nature of this wolverine without having to rely on adjectives and adverbs out the wazoo. Very nice.

There's a lot of messiness when it comes to the SPAG in this app. Incorrect dialogue tags, improper paragraph spacing, misspells, swapping between past and present tense, etc. I can see that efforts were made to perform the correct rules of writing (commas at the end of dialogue, paragraph spacing, etc.), but sometimes they just weren't quite right. Peer review would help with a lot of this, so that you can hear concrete reasons why some things aren't right.
It's been mentioned by others, but the tattoos/fat joke part did confuse me. From the way it's written, it sounds like his comment is an exasperated mutter, like "oh, sure, I guess we'll do even more of these jokes," rather than a "oh, we can go back to those, since I'd rather not talk about my tattoos."

You didn't get in, Jarl's author, but if you did, I think he could have had a really fun story to tell. There's intrigue with his tattoos and the banishment, and also you see that he seems to have a desire to be a warrior. While a messy place to learn, his survival and growth in the arena would have been a lot of fun, especially since Jarl is a genuinely fun character to read. Try to tighten up those SPAG mistakes in the future, and maybe look at setting your apps in some more varied and interesting locations, but your character work is on point.

What I think would have happened? Jarl is the darling dark horse of the story. Really rough start, but he survives Round One, and a combination of intriguing backstory and classic underdog story ends up earning him a loyal fanbase. Turns out, he has a rather interesting history, and his journey to become a warrior not only in body, but in spirit, is a very compelling one.

:weasel: --- Komi Banton--- [song]

First thing's first, I love the song. The vermin viewpoint and spin on Redwall - typically a beacon of hope - is wonderful, but it's not just a throwaway shtick, because it ties directly into Komi's character and her history. And this leads me right into another point, which is how much I appreciate the full sight we get of Komi. The scene feels "lived in," like the pieces are all actually there and are playing out naturally, rather than being strung together because "well, it's a story. They need to happen like that." Much of this is because of the details you carefully add, from big to small. Her singing, her going to get a bowl, the crowd being so thick because of a nearby horde, this fact kicking her out from her arranged room, her coat still thick enough to keep her warm, etc. These are absolutely wonderful, and made the piece such a joy to read.
Also, props for the fight scene. It's snappy, it's forceful, it's cool. Fight scenes are very difficult to write, as by nature, reading is a slower and more thoughtful act, while action scenes are very visual and visceral. Here, though, no such problem exists. You straddle the line between being leaving enough details to the imagination, and choosing strong words and visuals to express what's happening. Check out this one:

...in time to duck forward under the next sword stroke. The second rat gasped as she opened him from hip to neck, then shoved him back.

No time is wasted telling us "and she stabbed him. With a knife. Using her paw." Nah, we get the important action of her ducking forward under his sword strike, which is an action of momentum, and then we cut straight to her slicing him up. Works wonderfully.

Some speedbumps dot the piece. See:

The weasel spoke to the rats with him. ?Ever tell you...

First off, point dinged for lack of comma. Second off, it really could just be simplified to "The weasel turned to his companions." You don't really need to say he's speaking to them when you immediately follow it with dialogue, just make it clear that the dialogue is directed towards them.
A minor niggle, but I also don't think you need the line directly following the song, about her seeing the walls and it having it right. We already know she has disdain for the song, and we understand later in the app that she participated in a fight against Redwall, so better to hold onto that detail rather than just drop it so quickly.

You got in, Komi's author. Hooray! Number one: don't ditch those songs. Komi works because there is more to her character than just a single aspect (just a minstrel, just a former captain, just a runaway, etc.). Keep those facets of her character alive, have them inform her interactions with the other cast. And finally, you're going to need to give her some sort of goal to strive for. She's clearly not a coward, and whatever her reason for ditching Redwall, it was a wise one. Her story doesn't have to tie to that directly, but my point is that Komi is not a reactive character. She's sharp-eyed and can see how future events are shaping up, and makes a decision based on those. I want to see how that plays out in the Crater. How does she act there, and what drives her beyond "survive"?

Tooley's Brutally Honest Expectation: Komi's awesome, has a lot of solid cast interaction, but despite efforts being made, her involvement in the story is a little bit weak. She's a bright spot moving across a canvas, rather than being a permanent brushstroke in the painting itself. She might make it to the Top 3. Depends on how she plays her cards. Biggest recommendation? Never settle for being reactive. Drive the story forward, Komi.

:fox: --- Diamond--- [song]

Laughed many times in this app. The bit about Globby falling down is a wonderful moment of dry humor, the "choked on his rapier" and following lines, etc. Some fell more flat than others, but when the humor connected, it connected in earnest. Well done.
Loved the thematic ties as well. The very first lines tell us about the whole "expectations" thing, and throughout the whole app, this is reinforced. In obvious ways, like Diamond not being what the audience expects, but also in smaller ways, like how Diamond expects Valentine to say no. Furthermore, look at how those first lines are written. It's not the stiff, stodgy voice of a narrator saying "Expectations are a funny thing. Yadda yadda stuff stuff." Naw, it's tied into the setting and the character. How it's a rule of performance. It's an excellent way to get across larger-scale, thematic arcs without being patronizing about it. Related to the theme, props for the unconventional character and choice.

Took me a bit to figure out what was going on. When I first started reading it, I checked twice to see if Valentine was supposed to be the main character. Checked the name, kept reading... then I checked the species, and kept reading. Diamond didn't have to be front and center, but it would have been good to just set us in her POV early on. "Diamond watched from beside the stage wagon as Globby was carted away." Summat like that.
I do think the end is a bit drawn out. A whole 130 words are spent after Diamond's "reveal," and nothing more is really communicated about her character. She does her routine, does it a bit more, audience continues to react, and then she ends it. It lacks a punch to really stick in the reader's mind.
My biggest point, which is related to the two, is that I wasn't entirely sold on her character. She has three lines in the app, and each of them just sort of fit the situation without showing us much about her (beyond that she's hesitant and hopeful). Attention should have been shifted away from Valentine and the lengthy ending to give Diamond more of a chance to express her character through actions, reactions, and dialogue.

You didn't get in, Diamond's author, but if you did, I definitely think there was a lot here to explore. Her desire for a crowd's approval fits perfectly into a coliseum, especially with her dream centered around physical prowess. I wasn't taken by her character, but I love the ideas present, and congratulate you on thinking so far out of the box. A very fun, well-executed app, just missing some character-focused spark.

What I think would have happened? Diamond would swing in either one of two directions, and she'd swing hard. Either she'd be horrified by the arena, and realize that she needs to be a leader and icon for the slaves around her, or she'd develop a connection with the audience, and give them exactly what they want. Either would have been very compelling stories.

:weasel: --- Tooley's Verdict

I voted for Komi. Diamond was very creative, and Jarl was fun, but I just was so drawn to Komi's writing and character. You can say it just fit my tastes more, but I just really loved the app, and am very excited to see her in the story itself.


Speaking of which, I've not yet read any posts on the story. Saving that for when I begin my reviews. I'm going to try and get these all done by tomorrow, but don't hold your breath.

[Tooley Bostay]

WHOA TWO IN A ROW???

Beasts Who Maybe Need to Get a Doctor's Opinion. In a Straight Jacket

:snek: --- Azalea --- [song]

Others have mentioned this, but having Roe as your POV character was a brilliant decision. Why? Because as he learns about Azalea, so do we. When he's uncertain if she'll let him go, we too share the exact same feeling. By connecting us to him, we get a very sharp experience of who Azalea is. Likewise, it was smart to kill off Roe, lest people end up saying "hey, I like Roe more than Azalea!" Roe is a tool to be used for the benefit of Azalea, not to the point of overshadowing her. (Post app-phase note, keep that in mind, Top 10. Your NPC's should never overtake your character.)
Azalea herself is fun. The boop was an odd choice, but jarring enough to fit the scene, and it keys us immediately into her playful nature. I also like the touches you added to her speech. "Azalea is Whiptail," or how she refers to him as just "marten." It adds an exotic, "other" flair to her that accentuates the fact that not everything is quite on the level with this beast.
Brief props as well for the choice of scene. This ties into my earlier comment about Roe, but the location itself was an excellent one. It's different, engaging, there's a clear reason why Roe would be there, and it makes perfect sense why Azalea is there. Me likey.

I never quite got a handle on what Azalea's speech pattern was. She has a harsh sibilance for some "S's, but not others. I can understand why writing out "ssss" every single time there's a S would be ridiculous, and annoying to read, but the dialect lacks unity. And why are some other parts of words stretched out, like "faaaaiiiil"? Is that just to indicate her stretching the word out, or is it a dialect thing?
More importantly, Azalea's dialogue whiplashes between two different tones. One the one hand, you have a more reserved approach with some semi-broken English, then suddenly she goes into an almost valley girl speech. Consider these two lines:

?Why does the little marten thing sshiver and fret sso? Are you afraid??
and
?But if you faaaaiiiil, I?m gonna snap your spine like a twig, M?kay?"

Look at how the dialogue is structured. In the first, it's this removed, almost theatrical pattern. It's not "Why are you shivering like that?" Then we jump to saying "gonna" and "M'kay." There's nothing wrong with Azalea talking in either way, but the two don't mesh well, especially without an explanation or reason for the change.

You didn't get in, Azalea's author, but if you did, I definitely would have liked to have seen a clearer voice for Azalea. The pieces are all there for something really fun and interesting, but they just don't connect here in the app. She would have been a really cool force to be reckoned with in the arena, though, and her interactions with the cast as well would have been very fun to read.

What I think would have happened? It's a question of if Nire considers her more beastly than "beast." I could see him throwing her into the pens with the boars, and being a rather odd creature, she may even find a way to make use of that "intelligence" they seem to have, that other beasts can't quite understand. Perhaps she inspires them to revolt against their captors, and becomes Slither Queen of the Tusk-Hooves?

:squirrel: --- Leota Nettlekin --- [song]

Really enjoyed the colorful descriptions in this one. Nothing is simple in this piece. The wildcat has brass buttons, the hallway has deteriorating brick walls, all the crazy beasts they pass are varied and vivid, all the various bone furniture, etc. And it's just the right amount of unsettling without being schlocky. "But Tooley, why are you okay with this cannibal and not Black Jasmine?" Well, for one, it's not about the role a beast fills, but how it's described. Look at how Leota's author handles the horrific throughout the post. Pelt carpets, skull chair, ribcage bookshelves, etc. It's a slow build. Something isn't right, then we see more and more what type of beast Leota is. The tone and setting is firmly established, so when the most gruesome bit of the whole thing comes - "Half a stoat sat in the corner. The blood was fresh." - it succeeds in delivering its punch in a very simple, subdued way.
Leota's character as well was just the right blend of mysterious and intriguing. I want to know how she accomplished everything in that room - killing a badger, finding victims when placed in a a cell (were they all just funneled to her?), manufacturing the various instruments she has (what's the tea?), etc. An enjoyable read, for sure.

On the flipside, I wish I knew a little bit more about what Leota wants. Jumping back to Jasmine, what worked about that character is understanding the struggle and arc she was going to go through--of having to resist succumbing to the "monster." With Leota, I know that she's a (somehow) very capable, dangerous old squirrel who's a hardened survivor. She's got a family that she cares about, but I'm not sure what all of this really means for her. Maybe an aside comment from her about how her family tossed her in here, or she mentions to the rat that he looks just like some pirate she knew a long time ago, etc. Something to give us more than a vague idea of her history, or what she wants, or what her story will be about.
A few bits drew me out from fully believing the scene. See this line of dialogue:

?Oh, I?m so sorry! It must have been a long journey for you dears. Have you eaten??

?Ain?t hadda bite all day,? the rat grumbled in his master?s hearing.

This is following every bit of horror described in the room, and yet the rat honestly answers? I'm sure his appetite would long be gone, especially after already being revolted by the badger skull. He does react later, when she offers to cook up the stoat, but I think the moment could have been restructured. Like having the stoat be brought out only after the rat mentions his hunger.

You didn't get in, Leota's author, but if you did, I definitely would have wanted to see what story exactly you were aiming to tell with Leota. She's got a clear personality and certainly is interesting, but would have needed a worthwhile quest to survive long in the competition.

What I think would have happened? Leota ends up becoming a very strange "mother" to the cast. Some beasts take to this well, since support is needed in the Crater, but conflict would soon arise once they learn about her... quirks. Maybe her real family all died, and so she takes up the cast as a sort of replacement, not willing to have things end up with her in a retirement home, all alone once again.

:hare: --- Kentigern MacRaff --- [song]

Huge props on tackling a Highland accent. I know a lot of people say mole is hard, but I honestly think Highland is harder. It's much, much easier to end up sounding stupid, and for the most part, it works excellently here. I also enjoy how it provides a contrast between Kentigern and his wife. Without being specifically brought up, you can feel the divide that lays between those two.
And with that in mind, I like the conflict of duty vs. family as a storyarc. Kentigern isn't exactly a relatable beast, what with him ditching his family for a fool's errand, but the conflict is very intriguing. I'm curious to see what will happen once he's confronted with the Crater and sees for himself how both woodlanders and vermin are being treated.

Some of the description gets a little bit unwieldy. See:

...gaze simultaneously obdurate like the granite face of a mountain and piercing like twin daggers boring accusatorially into his skull.

It's not just that heavy words are utilized (obdurate), but that it's also coupled with two fairly long visual metaphors that feel a bit overblown. Shorter and sharper is often the way to go, especially as Bonnie's bite is made clear through her dialogue, so you don't need to talk about her eyes stabbing him. Her voice is already doing that.
While I love how you do the accent for the most part, I'd look at mixing up your structure so that it doesn't become unwelcome. A bit too many "ken"s for my taste. Especially on this part: "They deserve this. Ah ken y?ken, tae." Just a bit too much to chew through, y'ken?

One final criticism, adding this because you're in the competition and I think you should watch out for it. Be careful not to tell so much in your dialogue tags. Your dialogue is very strong, and paints a clear picture on its own. I know it's very hard to leave things "unsaid" or "unclear," but a lot of the details here end up ultimately distracting from the scene and weakening the writing. As some examples:

...his wife stood with her paws perched irately on her hips. - Body language tells us enough. Cut irately.

Her voice became tinged with a pleading note. - Unnecessary. Let us feel the flow of the scene through the dialogue (which is accomplished), not through hard inserts like this.

He paused, eyes flaming like Hellgates. - Overblown imagery. Unnecessary. I'd cut.

She futilely shook her head in frustration. - "She shook her head." Sweep up the unnecessary details. We don't know it's futile yet, so let us live in the moment with the characters.

In the future, looks particularly closely at these dialogue tags that you do, and the actions the characters perform. 90% of the time, I'd cut out any adverbs you have. If an action doesn't add to the point already being communicated by the dialogue, cut it.

You got it, Kentigern's author. Hooray! Watch out for the stylistic concerns I listed above, and be careful to give us a reason to root for Kentigern. Not many people are going to be sympathetic with a brash crusade against all vermin, so there must be some sort of empathetic quality that the audience can cling to or he won't last long. I'd look at focusing on that family/duty conflict and seeing how it can be translated into cast relationships around him. Are there other beasts who understand the whole duty thing (Kentrith? Minerva?) or the family angle (Aldridge? Silas? Thrayjen?)? Form compelling bonds with the cast to soften Kentigern up and have him realize he can't just paint the world in the palette of his choosing.

Tooley's Brutally Honest Expectation: Kentigern comes in swinging. His first post does little to endear the readers to him, but it does give him a slap of REALITY to the face. Luckily, the first round lasts two weeks, and his second post gives us a look into what is really driving him, and has him coming to grips that he can't be Mr. Braw Justice. From there, he learns about humility, unity, and brotherhood across species lines. He doesn't survive, but he goes out like a boss. Makes a few readers even hold back some tears.

:weasel: --- Tooley's Verdict

None of these fit the category. Yes, I've heard the arguments for all of them, and I'm sorry, I don't buy it. Azalea's just a baddie. Leota's just crazy. Kentigern's not crazy at all, just wildly devoted to silly ideals (and no, I don't count that as "crazy"). In the end, my vote went to the wildcard of the three, Azalea. Thought she would present an interesting conflict for the rest of the cast, and could potentially end up filling that "may be crazy" role, despite her app not doing it.

[Tooley Bostay]

Beasts Who-- Wait... Where Did My Wallet Go?

:mouse: --- Adeen Pinebarrow --- [song]

Love the setup, and I like a lot of the unconventional choices here. That it's a married couple who are the thieves. That the scene isn't just about them breaking in at night and thieving--it goes a step further. That Adeen's thieving isn't just a bit token, but reflects far greater aspects to her character. From the very start, this app intrigued me, and went on to hook me. We get such a vivid and broad picture of Adeen through this app, and precious little of it is the author sitting us down and saying "Adeen feels this way. Thinks this. Is that." Instead, little touches color her for the audience, such as:

Adeen led into the mansion when Fenton did not respond.

Adeen trembled with delight and let a rattled sigh escape her throat, which died beneath thunderous snores.

"I escaped 'my place.'" Adeen?s words hung deadly and sure. "Let me show you yours."

Also, props for the excellent use of callbacks and repetition. "Two voles[...] of a mansion," Adeen dragging her blade again and again for the various reasons, "[X] didn't save them," etc. Why does this work in particular? Look at Adeen's character. Her core conceit is that she's a beast who can't let go. She always has to return and dig deeper into her vengeance. Fitting that the story itself is written so that details keep looping back, leaving the audience feeling vaguely like they've seen this all before. Wonderful work.
As an aside, I know a lot of people mentioned in their reviews about Adeen killing Fenton. I didn't take it that way. I just thought a battle happened, Adeen loses herself in it, and she doesn't realize that in the process, Fenton was cut down by one of the hares. Not sure exactly what your plan was, Adeen's author, but count me in the camp of her not killing Fenton. It just goes a bit far in my mind to think that she would seriously lose herself that much to end up killing Fenton as well, though I can see him dying via her negligence and refusal to run.

Some oddities freckle the piece. The bit with her stabbing the uniform confused me greatly on my first read. They take their places in the "bed chamber," she raises her dagger and then "plunges it," and she's cutting up a uniform. Yes, he does hang up the uniform earlier, but look at the way the sentence itself is worded. By calling it a "bed chamber," you focus the reader's mind on the bed, and raising a knife and then plunging it is a downward motion, not horizontal, as would be if you were cutting up a hanging uniform. I know I'm not the only one who initially thought she killed them, so in the future, I would exercise caution in how your word choices guide the imagination of the reader.
Then there's something like ""Firstyourdeposit," said Adeen." I understand what's going on--it's a stylistic trick to indicate rushed speaking. I don't think it works, though. Whenever I've seen this trick, it's usually used to indicate a character completely wigging out, not impatience. Ultimately, I don't care for this trick in the same way I don't like authors using all-caps or parenthesis. It's an attempt to get across more information, but ultimately only draws attention to itself. I don't think "huh, Adeen's talking really fast." I think "...there are no spaces. Why? Oh, I guess she's talking fast? Okay."
And, as an aside, those hares go to sleep dang fast.

You got in, Adeen's author. Hooray! I love your writing, and I think Adeen has a ton of potential (though I worry if you just go with the "she's crazy and keels everybody" angle). Of all the apps in this category, Adeen had the most to show, and I'm very excited to see what her author does with her. Be sure you don't get too ahead of yourself, though, with your sentence construction. Make heavy use of your co-authors and see if they find any bits odd.

Tooley's Brutally Honest Expectation: From the way it's written, it does appear she killed Fenton. Boo. Adeen's strong writing carries her well into the contest, but she'll need more than just enjoyable prose to survive. She runs the risk right now of lacking empathetic qualities to endear her to the audience. Maybe she and Silas will hit it off, given they have a similar backstory. I'm ultimately not too worried, though. The writing in this app is excellent, her author is capable, and I very much look forward to reading her post that I see is already up.
Also, SlyXAdeen when?

:weasel: --- Faye --- [song]

This is a cute app. It's simple, straight to the point, and doesn't waste the reader's time. It's all about communicating Faye's character through her dialogue, and this works fairly well. Her comic overreactions earned some chuckles from me, less because of what happened, and more how it happened. The "Oh that hurt me, Grim! Right in here, right where it hurts the most!" is something I can just see playing out in my head. The little choices like repeating "right" is what makes it work, and what makes Faye as a character engaging. Her dialogue is colorful and scatterbrained in all the right ways.
The coin trick as well was creative. Nothing stunning, but a good show of Faye's dexterity and capabilities. Sure, she's not robbing a bank blind, but that trick with hitting the two coins so that one lonks on her snout? That was obviously done on purpose. Faye knows the ropes, but moreover, she knows how to work other beasts to her benefit.

Sad thing is, as colorful as Faye is, that's about all she has going for her. There just really isn't much here. There's nothing wrong with the scene, but it was very predictable on my first read. And that's my biggest problem with Faye--she's everything the reader expects, and nothing more. The smooth-talking roadside thief. Is there anything wrong with that? Well, no, but we've all seen that so many times. She really needed some hook to grab the reader's interest.
I don't harp on passive voice too much, since I think it has its place at times (don't hurt me, Matra), but I'm going to ding points for the opening paragraph: It was a ferret. He was carrying. It was unimportant. And then the doozy:

What was important, however, was what she assumed was in the ferret?s purse.

This really harms the pacing of the intro, but moreover, it prevents us from engaging with Faye in the moment. This is particularly problematic for a character like Faye, who is all about engaging the audience through the scene and character.
Also, I'd look at having the emotions of the scene be a bit more concrete. The ferret goes from fearful, to embarrassed, to sheepishly angry (all in one sentence). Then, soon after, he goes from angry to curious. I'm not suggesting your characters become statues of emotion, but it's a bit too mercurial here. Instead of telling us what the character is feeling, key us in on it via his body language. Does he jump, then press a paw to his chest, then snarl with his ears pinned back? Be sure to spice up the scene a bit!

You didn't get in, Faye's author, but if you did, I would have definitely looked at figuring out some sort of angle to Faye that extended beyond just her roguish quirks. Maybe it'd be a backstory, or a particular struggle, or she knows something about Nire/the Crater. Whatever it is, Faye very much needed some more to keep the audience invested in her character. Her dialogue was charming, though, and definitely would have been a big asset in the contest.

What I think would have happened? Faye swings big for a character arc. Hits some, misses others. She's fun to read, but charm has its limits, and despite being a fun read, the other cast members ultimately would have had more invested in the story (and their own personal stories).

:fox: --- Lacey 'Silver Tail' McTally --- [song]

A-ha, a thief in a slightly different sense of the word. More a conbeast than a straight thief, but it works well and is a unique spin on the category. Sharp Eyes in particular is a lot of fun, and I enjoyed reading the banter between him and Lacey. The casserole line in particular brought a smile to my face. Much like Faye, it's a good bit of humor not for what is said, but for how.
A small detail, but one I appreciated, was how Lacey's dialect shifts once she's away from the woodlanders. We go from

?I do appreciate all the kindness you have shown me but there are other villages that need my help.

to

Ya still shouldn?t take the risk ye great big fat turkey.

It's a small touch that helps to sell just how much into the role Lacey gets to con these beasts.

I'm split on the "credit to your species" bit. On the one hand, I really like it. How you take a single line and then spin it differently by the end. On the other hand, I was actually a bit confused on my first read through. Thought the squirrel was iterating once again at the end that he believes she's a good beast. I think this is in part due to the body language. He shakes in place but doesn't run, and then begins to tear up. I got the vibe he was welcoming his death, staring it in the face and offering one last line of hope to Lacey, rather than turning bitter and saying "welp, you foxes are all the same." This wasn't a problem on my second read, though, and I really do like the trick, so props where they're due.

The beginning caused me to double-take twice. The sudden flashback whips us sharply away from the present, and it took me some time to get my bearings. I would have just started with the "Please, stay another night" line, and italicized everything that was part of the flashback. A crude solution since I'm not a fan of flashbacks in general, but it would have made sure there was no confusion on the part of the audience.
Along with this, a few other moments gave me pause. Like when Lacey first sees Sharp Eyes. She acts surprised and fearful, then suddenly switches to anger? Why fake the surprise at all? There's also some present/past tense problems, where the app swaps between the two. I imagine the author is more comfortable with present, hence why it reverts occasionally. I can appreciate that, as it's hard to work yourself out of a habit, but just keep an eye on that in the future so that your writing maintains a consistency.

You didn't get in, Lacey's author, but if you did, I would have liked to have seen where you planned to take Lacey. There is obviously something there, where she seems to want to be a beast who is a "credit to her species," but this potential arc is dulled a bit by having her give the word for the squirrel's murder at the end. I think it could have been cool to see a rift form between her and Sharp Eyes, where slowly she realizes she doesn't want this life anymore, while he's unwilling to alter the arrangement. Heck, this would have worked excellently in the arena, since Sharp Eyes probably would have taken to the killing easily, but Lacey? Not so much.

What I think would have happened? Lacey gets far more than she bargained for. Karma slaps hard, and she's tossed into the death pit we lovingly know as the Crater. All that she's known is ripped away from her as Sharp Eyes ditches her to focus on surviving, and instead she must turn to the beasts around her for help. Slowly, she realizes that in order to survive, she must once again play the part of a hero. And maybe, just maybe, she'll actually end up being a genuine hero too while she's at it.

:weasel: --- Tooley's Verdict

I voted for Adeen.
If all the apps are forest trails, then Adeen is an off-road natural trail filled with vibrant flowers you've never seen before, and it takes you past a riverstream where critters play along the edge. It's just filled with so much to see and appreciate. ...but it's also full of potholes, and you keep tripping all along the journey. Faye is a preset trail through your local park. It's completely harmless and everything you see is nice, but it's all very expected. Lacey is a winding path through a thick forest where you're not entirely sure if you're actually on a trail since half the place is covered in undergrowth. While it's a journey, you end up feeling more lost than lost in nature.


AAAAAAND IT'S OVER. I will be reviewing the contest, but I have some Audience Contest obligations to uphold. Don't worry, it won't be too long. For one, my contest reviews are going to be much more off-the-cuff. Each of these app reviews takes about two hours to do, and I just can't spare that kind of time on every single contest post, so you guys 'n gals are gonna have to bear with Brutally Blunt Tooley.

Stay tuned!

[Matra Hammer]

Let me be the first to congratulate you on completing the entire applicant spread. This is no easy feat, and providing such depth and reflection in turn is double impressive.

We rarely voted for the same beasts it seems - still need to do a final tally but it smells this way. I'd love hearing a bit about how you're considering contest entries from here on out. Judging apps and judging story entries are two different things, and some "this is what I do" guidelines might help other readers as well.

Hmm. Might do the same next.

You're keeping things short for the main contest. So, what kind of format will you use? Craft centric? Personal? Gut reactions? One read impressions? I thought about short paragraph shots as well, but I struggle in thinking of anything that isn't a copy of Crue's impressions. Though, we all see different things so I guess it isn't a straight copy.

[Tooley Bostay]

I'd love hearing a bit about how you're considering contest entries from here on out.

"Does their character fascinate/interest/hook me? Do I want to read more of their story, or see more of them in the contest? Do I love their interactions with the cast, and want to see more from those bonds/conflicts?" Ultimately, it's that simple. If I like your character, Top 10, then I'm going to want to see them remain in the story. Of course, liking your character doesn't mean that they are a likable character, per say. As I mentioned many times in my reviews, it's more about empathy. If I can empathize with their story and character conflicts.

Everything else is just fluff. How well they play the Survivor "game," how amazing their craft is, etc. If the story isn't there, then it doesn't matter what else is.

So, what kind of format will you use?

Gut reactions off my first read. I just don't have the time for anything more. Each of those app reviews took 2+ hours to write, and I can't afford that for every single post of the story. Take this as an opportunity to practice making a good first impression with your writing, Top 10, since the vast majority of readers who ever view your work will judge it purely based off that first read.

[Tooley Bostay]

Reviews are a-go! Hurrah!

I mentioned before that these will be first-read impressions, since I can spare nothing more. I should also note that this may include me being a bit more blunt. If I don't like your post, I'm going to say so.

I know that some of the authors who got in may be newer writers. Understand that I will try to be as respectful as possible, and that any and all of my comments are directed at the writing, not the author. I know it's hard to separate yourself from your writing, but in the case of this being a writing competition, it's something you must do as an author when receiving feedback.

If you are a newer author/member of this community, or this is your first Survivor, then my inbox is completely open to you. Shoot me a PM if you have any questions about points I may make, or want a second opinion. Th' woozle is more than happy to oblige. =)

Letters From a Thief

Boooo she did kill Fenton. But yay, because my faith in the author wasn't misplaced, and they're at least diving headfirst into this conflict to present a very compelling story. Enjoyed the scene structure, and the slow reveal of a lot of the details (the carving of the gravestones, how this relates to Adeen wanting to take her life, etc). Canen's intro was a bit weird, took me a while to realize what was going on, since it's several paragraphs before it's clear he's Fenton's father.

Loved the bit with Simondale. Didn't fully get a grasp on his character until that moment. Thought he may just be a jerk hare who's toying with Adeen, but nah, seems like he's actually got a decent heart in him. The bit about the smile not reaching his eyes implies he doesn't much like Adeen, but I think that's what makes the moment all the better--that he's willing to reach out to a beast who he doesn't even fully believe deserves a second chance. Could be reading too much into it, but I liked that part a lot, especially because it keys me in to the fact that Adeen does have a storyarc to explore. There's hope for her yet--if not for redemption of some kind, then at least for her to tell an engaging story.

Take note, Top 10. This is what you want to do. Make it clear from the start that your character will have a story to tell. Something with some meat and meaning to it.



As an aside: time for Tooley to be a bit stern. It's five days until the deadline. First round last two weeks, double the amount of posts. That's 16 more posts to get out by the 30th. Step it up, authors. If you're holding things up, then you need to get it in gear. I'm not pointing at any one of you in particular, since I don't know what's going on behind the scenes, but asking the audience to read 25k+ words in the next five days is ridiculous.

[Tooley Bostay]

Play, Minstrel, Play

Oh, joy! A Komi post. Been waitin' fer this one. Glad to see the songs are back. The hard insert of "she sings because it reminds her of happier days" is a little rough, but I'll accept it. It justifies her singing as more than just a gimmick.

Very much appreciate how her encounter with Nire's beasts doesn't end exactly as you'd expect. She actually does get away, and takes a good number of beasts down with her. It's one of those moments where as a reader, you know where this is all going, but the writing is gripping enough to still somehow keep you on your toes. I want Komi to get away, even though I know she won't, ultimately. On the flipside, the random bit of "here, let me tell the audience my history with Jossia"? Bleh. Comes out of nowhere, and while I understand its importance, it should have been saved for a better time where the info wouldn't be so shoved in.

Oh ho ho! And Komi with the tie-in to Aldridge via Aera. I'm a huge Aldridge fan, so already that's a massive plus in my book. Not sure whose idea it was, but big props to whoever proposed it. The back and forth got tiring, though. "Let us help you!" "no" "Please!" "No." "We have a stoat!" "Aldridge yayyy wait no." "But... stoat! Help you! Us!" "NOOO"
Save your bullets. Komi denies their help/snarls at them/complains about them being woodlanders multiple times, and it loses its punch. I go from "wow, these two know each other! How cool!" to "ugh... they're back to the stalemate of her being stubborn for #reasons" very quickly.
Aera and Aldridge as well sound a bit... off, in this post. Too much of a bleeding heart on both of their part? Perhaps a touch melodramatic? Like, with this line:

?Komi, you are going to have help, because I?m not going to abandon you out here.?

Just feels off. Like it's more of a cliche than a genuine line being spoken by someone to someone else they know very well.

They sat there, the two of them, almost nose to nose, staring into one another?s eyes, until Komi couldn?t bear it anymore.

Oh just kiss already.

Overall? Fun post with some twisting arcs that keep things interesting. Very excited to see Ald and Komi interact further, but there are some oddities and hiccups throughout the post that hold it back. Too much repetition in some areas, too much time spent on unnecessary scenes in others. But Komi herself is interesting, and that's what matters.

[Tooley Bostay]

Madder Barrow

That moment where Aldridge notices all the enemy beasts is awesome. It's just one of those bits in a story that sticks with you - a quintessential moment that showcases a character, how they think, and what they're capable of. Wonderful stuff. I think it would have been a far better punch to have him straight up hit Jossia in the head - not sure why he's only going for an injuring blow - but the irony of him hitting the leg she's using works well enough.

Why the heck did they suddenly attack, though? It's possible I missed something, but it seemed clear that the villagers didn't want to get involved with a fight if all they were going to do was take Komi. So why are they suddenly striking first?

On the one hand, I love your descriptions. Such little touches and word choices bring the moment so much more to life.

The village of Madder Barrow looked as though it had been spilled onto the land. A hotch-potch of thatched and tiled roofs, bordered by ten strides of lumpy grass, surrounded by thick, old forest.

The "spilled onto the land" is wonderful imagery, but my favorite bit here is actually the "thick, old forest." I've read many a poor man's fantasy novel with trite description, and I'm sick of hearing about verdant forests thick with foliage and blah blah blah. But just one little word - "old" - suddenly gives this place a grounding. A history.

Then there are times where I feel you get a bit too ahead of yourself. Like:

A grim certainty fell about Aldridge's shoulders - a thick velvet cloak still drenched from the last night's snow.

...eh? Is that just a fancy metaphor? Then what's the snow about? If it's not a metaphor, why the awkward transition just to talk about his cloak?

We've given them a chance - that's the greatest gift of all.

Well now. I'm sensing an emerging theme to this story as a whole. Especially with Adeen's post prior to this. Dunno if this was planned, but it seems like "chances" are building up to be a unifying thread for all these beasts.

The Adeen bit is... odd. Why isn't she captured/locked up somewhere? She mentions her own punishment, which makes sense, but are captured beasts allowed to walk so freely/talk with other captives? I mean, it's not a bad thing if true, but I'm just confused.

I don't feel like this is "your" post, Aldridge. You follow up Komi's post, sure, and there are those glimmers of your excellent writing, but nothing really major seems to happen in this, in regards to showing off Aldridge's character. For example, you have a fight bust out in the village. We not only just receive a recap of this, rather than experiencing it for ourselves, but Aldridge's activity in the fight is to shoot one person, then immediately hit the ground. And no one in his village died. Beyond simply being taken away, Aldridge hasn't really lost anything yet. So the "moment" of that scene just feels like... I dunno, a shoulder shrug. "Eh, it happened." Seems like an excellent opportunity to have Aldridge rushing about, talking to the inexperienced woodlanders. How he tells a young vole to steady his aim like he taught him to just last week, or makes sure young Aera has enough arrows and isn't wasting them, etc.
He apparently has history with hordes. This was an excellent moment to show us how he puts those experiences into play, albeit in the service of defending his home and family. Instead, we just get a rushed fight that seemingly happens for no reason, and I don't really get to experience anything new about Aldridge.

Love your writing, but this post could have been better. In the future, look for opportunities to showcase Aldridge. Be sure you don't coast along the story, only following up other characters. When you have a post, it's your time to shine, so make it worthwhile. Drive the plot, and if you can't do that, show us why Aldridge is such a great/interesting/fun/deep/[other positive attribute] character.

[Tooley Bostay]

The Monster of Mossflower Woods

My word this post is long. On the one hand, yay, more character scenes! On the other hand... nah, this is just too long. Halfway through, I was asking myself when it'd be over already. Which is a shame, since Minerva is a very neat character who I enjoy. But nearly 8k words? Too much. The entire opening scene with Nix? Cut it. An instant 500 words saved. It doesn't add anything to the story, and in fact, it robs the reader of suspense when the hedgehog shows up later, since we already know full well who it is. Cutting back the rest would take some fancy footwork, but I can tell you now that this post has only two important parts: the scene in the forest where she's captured, and her being taken before Nire. Everything else? Fluff. You can argue if it's worthwhile fluff, but look at what's actually accomplished in those scenes: there are boars. Adeen is allowed to roam free (kind of). Mossflower peeps don't know about money.

Prioritize your scenes. Cut the fluff. Even if it's a moment you really like, see how it serves the character or plot. Ask yourself if it needs to be there. If you hesitate? Cut it away.

Now let's actually talk about Minerva for a bit, because I do find her character very compelling. Through both the app and her fight in this piece, we see that she is willing to do anything for her daughter. This makes her an incredibly dangerous character for the est of the cast, but moreover, a very empathetic one. I think all of us want to see Minerva somehow find a way to both save Fable and not go to the Dark Side. That conflict is just ripe for exploration, and the author here sets it up magnificently. Minerva's bread and butter is going to be how she clashes with the cast. Don't drop that--milk it for all it's worth. Let us wince every time she does something horrific, because we know that while she may hate doing it, we know she has to.

Her "stay awake" bit is amazing and I love it. It's like Aldridge's moment of noticing all the beasts. It's such a keystone moment of showcasing Minerva. How she has to push so hard on herself to keep going, to do anything for her daughter. But more than that, the setup is glorious too, since it fits the tone of the character. A distant mumbling, you walk closer, then you understand the words. And without even being direct, those words are terrifying. Because Mama Otter is awake, and we all know exactly why.

Adeen's weird in this. Similarly to Aldridge, her voice sounds "off" in her dialogue. I suppose if her author signed off on it, it's all right, but it just felt... odd. Like this:

"Are ye one of them?" she growled.

"I'm not wearing blue, am I?" the vole answered. "No, I'm a prisoner like you. My name is Adeen Tullus.  That marten, Nix, caught sight of my tools, so I'm tasked with taking inventory. It's not so bad, I suppose. It staves off boredom and helps me know my fellow captives. May I know you?"

It smacks of a dialogue info dump. First line is good, appropriately sharp for Adeen's character. Then we go into: here's my role, my name, my talents, my feelings about it, how about you?

I know why you put in the bit about her knowing about the Monster thing - to create a link between the two - but it didn't click with me. Didn't buy it. Why would someone so broken and shut off like Adeen suddenly start opening up about her children and precious memories she shared with them? I can see her dropping some tidbits of backstory--maybe opening up enough to mention that she had children too. But anything further? Nah.

The bit with Nire is real solid. Shows us how much of a jerk he is, but also how he keeps even the strongest, fiercest beasts in order. Him forcing her to put the collar on Fable is wonderful. Shows the roles each of those characters are in perfectly. And the last line? Heck yeah. That gets me pumped to see just what Minerva will do in the contest.

Overall? Good character, some spotlight moments of greatness drowned under a deluge of fluff. Tighten things up in the future. Both to show your really cool character off, but also so that you don't rub the audience the wrong way every time they see a Minerva post.

[Minerva]

Hey, Tooley. Just wanted to go ahead and thank you for writing all these reviews for us. It means a lot to have someone in the audience giving us feedback for the story we're creating, and goes a long way to help us all improve our characters and craft.

That being said, I do have a few comments to make about what you've said about my post.

My word this post is long. On the one hand, yay, more character scenes! On the other hand... nah, this is just too long. Halfway through, I was asking myself when it'd be over already. Which is a shame, since Minerva is a very neat character who I enjoy. But nearly 8k words? Too much. The entire opening scene with Nix? Cut it. An instant 500 words saved. It doesn't add anything to the story, and in fact, it robs the reader of suspense when the hedgehog shows up later, since we already know full well who it is. Cutting back the rest would take some fancy footwork, but I can tell you now that this post has only two important parts: the scene in the forest where she's captured, and her being taken before Nire. Everything else? Fluff. You can argue if it's worthwhile fluff, but look at what's actually accomplished in those scenes: there are boars. Adeen is allowed to roam free (kind of). Mossflower peeps don't know about money.

I apologize it was so long, but I felt every scene was necessary for setting up Minerva's character arc as well as establishing the rules of the world and characterizing some of the NPCs. I disagree entirely about removing the opening scene, because, without it, The Monster of Mossflower Woods mythos wouldn't be properly established for what's to come in the later scenes. As for robbing the reader of suspense- Komi and Aldridge's posts came before this one that properly showed the beasts in blue. There was no point to building suspense because the reader would know from this point on, anyone in blue is working for Nire. So instead, I chose to try and develop them so they actually had faces and weren't just faceless mooks. And, while the reader may know that the hedgehog is a villain, Minerva doesn't.

Mossflower peeps don't know about money.
there are boars.

I won't comment on this scene, I'll just say I was unsuccessful at getting across what I wanted.

Adeen's weird in this. Similarly to Aldridge, her voice sounds "off" in her dialogue. I suppose if her author signed off on it, it's all right, but it just felt... odd. Like this:

I know why you put in the bit about her knowing about the Monster thing - to create a link between the two - but it didn't click with me. Didn't buy it. Why would someone so broken and shut off like Adeen suddenly start opening up about her children and precious memories she shared with them? I can see her dropping some tidbits of backstory--maybe opening up enough to mention that she had children too. But anything further? Nah.

Adeen approved of the conversation and the dialogue, saying it was perfectly in character for her. While Adeen might be closed off, her opening up to another mother is understandable, especially when it's about her kids.

[Tooley Bostay]

I appreciate your comments, Minerva, and for taking the time to share them here. Glad to hear my thoughts are catching the eye of the Top 10. =)

Also appreciate the further insight on the post (like how Adeen's author signed off on the dialogue. So I won't ding you for the oddity). As for the length/scenes, I'll let my comments stand for now. While I love me some good debate, I just don't have the time to get into what might become a protracted conversation.

Best of luck in the competition, and thanks for droppin' by! =)