The Castle of Stonewall's Reviews

[Vlaine]

Relying on being a drug dealer would be fine as long as it brings with it the unintended consequence that always seem to make a drug dealer not just a drug dealer. Competition. Desperate clients. Mind-addled clients. Thieving clients.

[Magical Fish]

Personally, I don't want Keane's entire story arc to be, "Watch as Keane builds up his drug business in the desert." To me, this does not suggest compelling hijinks. We already know what his life is like as a drug dealer-- that was pretty well established in his application and his first post. I would like to see him try to keep his business going but fail utterly and be forced to try something new. That would result in some real character development which could be drawn out over the entire contest.

[Stonewall]

Whatcha Gonna Do?

I've got to say, I'm not a fan of the big blocks of description. That is, you tend to describe things in lists, which come off as seperate from a narrative, instead of weaving description into the plot as it moves. If the plot is water, it flows better over smaller pebbles and going over it, rather than smacking into big text rocks and breaking the flow. And as I think I've said before, you don't need to go in depth into a passing backdrop and how it looks; it's not coming along, and simply calling it "dingy and unkempt" will do. Just avoid wordiness, is all. Also, refrain from using caps lock to emphasize yelling. Simply saying "he yelled" will do.

Now, again, I still like the  character, and how he's totally out of his league in the bar. Even when he yells, he still can't get people to notice him long enough witout the aid of others. And the fanboy moment when he runs into Rath is a nice touch. I have a feeling he's gong to get pushed around by this captain fellow (and most any one else) so it'll be nice to see how he goes about asserting himself, if at all.

[Stonewall]

Overture, Raise the Lights

Good gosh almighty, do I love your writing. Hate to gush, but yeah. Kind of instantly decimates my initial doubts about having Eliza in. It's all about the little things, like the way the world is perfectly described within our marten's POV

The aides had seemed to take a rather perverse joy in recounting the damage. The facial scars were permanent, they?d smiled, and she had definitely lost a lot of her right ear. She should count herself fortunate, though. Scores of Lehman?s guests had died in the collapse, but Eliza had somehow lived long enough for them to pull her out of the rubble.

. The air smelled of fermentation and vomit, and a number of other noxious things Eliza feared to guess at. She pushed her way through the noisy drunkards, wading towards what she assumed to be the bar area.

A narrative of events, but with the edge of being provided by a rather p.o.'d Eliza. To the point where it not only becomes exposition, but adds to the character at the same time, thereby doing two things at once. I wish I did that.

I"m a bit iffy on the quick flashback. It props up the feelings of hopelessness you try to establish, but kind of comes out of the blue, doesn't necessarily add anything to Eliza's character (unless a fear of storms become prominent in the future) and comes off as a nice frill, but without any real substance.

I'm so glad that Eliza can handle her alcohol. Nothing drives me nuts more than when characters have a sip of booze and suddenly start slurring and hiccuping.

[Stonewall]

New Tactics

And here we have our first glimpse of the People's Champion. He's still got the strong-but-silent type thing going for him, which I personally like. I also enjoy how you write hangovers: it's very vivid and realistic. His short banter with Eliza was very telling as well, remarking on how he's only there because he got press-ganged, and that he's never been on a raid before. In fact the only thing that gets to him, it seems, is when people either use him (Venril) or call him stupid (Eliza).

I'm not certain about how I feel about the almost instant acceptance Rath has to his predicament. Considering he just woke up in an entirely different place than when he went to sleep, he seems to handle himself pretty well. I mean, he only says "What?" once when the captain starts giving him orders. It might seem trivial, but I think adding a second "What?" would add to the feeling of confusion and loss.

That's all I've got at this moment in time. Sorry if it's not particularly thrilling.

[Stonewall]

Well, no one can complain about no one posting now. There's so many I can barely keep up. So I'm going to do quick and efficient reviews of chapters, and hopefully get the important parts across.

Exeunt Omnes

Quick question: what does a bird need money for? I guess rising gas prices really have affected everyone.

I can't complain about not getting into Damask's head enough. We're treated to his thoughts much nicer than before. I like how he reprimands himself for going back to help Sailpaw, and we get senses of selfishness throughout the chapter. Thank you for fleshing him out, and not relying on his vaudeville act to prop him up. But there are some contradictions with what we've seen, namely how he dominates the conversation between Sailpaw and Deadtail. I always got the impression up until now that Damask was meeker, more sullen, and would simmer rather than have a tirade like that. Especially considering how soft spoken he's been up until now. Then again, he is somewhat flamboyant, but the whole thing struck me as inconsistent then what we saw before. And I'm not certain why he's a) standing up for Deadtail, and b) getting himself involved with something that doesn't concern him, when just earlier he was reprimanding himself for getting involved. Luckily, we're only two chapters in, so you have some wiggle room to establish a character, but I would suggest choosing one stream for character development, and running with it. Otherwise, it feels like you're trying to do too much.

With A Sure and Hopeful Smile

Oh, Revel. What am I going to do with you? Because I both love and dislike the simpleness of her, and how she sees the world. I admire the guts it takes not to write a character who's 100% on the ball all the time, and who has a peculiar out look on the world. Not to mention that you write it particularly well; it doesn't emphasize she's dumb or anything, it just let's us see the world through Revel's eyes, and we understand where she's coming from. But on the other hand, that simpleton-esque persona shoots her in the paw. Because while she's adorable, there's not much else to her. She's just... there. Kind of a lump, so to speak, that everyone else operates around. Of course, with her not being the sharpest knife in the drawer, it's a little tricky to make her front and center. But I need some depth from her in the future. Have her care about something? Hate some one? I won't say "do something" because after all, she did kill Sue's kin-folk. But just going on through this week, Revel becomes a conversation piece for people to talk about. Maybe spend less time on her senses, and maybe on what she thinks about Sue, or Eliza, or someone. For the future, of course.

I love how you writer her, it's just that I want something more. And that might be unfair, because that might just be the character, and who am I to say my version of Revel is any better? So I'll try and be more open minded and accepting of what I've got. Of course, if you want to pander to my every whim and desire, that's cool too.

As a general note to the writers: Please don't pander to my, or anyone elses, every whim and desire. Because we hardly know everything about everything, and maybe what you're doing with the character is what you want to do with him/her, and that's your right. We're just giving advice here.

[Damask the Minstrel]

Don't worry, we'll ignore you if we want to. ^.^

(And Damask still has an SUV. He was a day late for Cash for Clunkers.)

But thanks again. You'll hopefully have a couple of these answered in the interlude, when you get to it, so, yeah... you'll see where Damask develops, because he will. Hopefully. At the worst, he develops a slight case of dead.  ;D

[Stonewall]

The Broad Stream

I knew this stream that was so broad...

How broad was it?

It was so broad, that compared to it, other nagging bodies of water looked positively docile! What a dumb broad!

First off, as this is a triple authored post, I like how each paragraph is dedicated to a different character, and their dialogue is accomponied by some thoughts of their own.

First, Deadtail: Thank you for giving us his thoughts, as well as some tangible dialogue. He's a calm one is this rat, and not liable to snap. He's a nice counter to Bellona's own style of cold comfort. No wonder they don't like one another: they're practically mirrors of one another in terms of temporment in a bility, with Deadtail being slightly more vicious in the long run. His wariness is nice, such as being reluctant to sleep, and I like how he bides his time, rather than snapping and lashing out verbally at everyone; and how he does it without being sickeningly sweet or obviously lying. Much better out look on the rat than the first time around.

Damask: Still standing in the neutral corner. Good; it gives us something to look forward to, in terms of what the robin is liable to do if push comes to shove. The downplaying of his irate-behaviour in this post is better than the previous post: he's snarky, but not dominating conversation and interupting frequently.

Bellona: At first it would be easy to cast Bellona off as an atypical vermin-hating woodlander, but let's face it, she's got cause to, after fighting them for a very long time. Not to mention Deadtail's secrecy is enough to put anyone on edge. I enjoy her barbs at the rat, not too subtle so as to be missed, but not into full blown "I hate you, grr!"  And you let us a bit more into her noggin, with comments on how the bird couldn't understand.

As far as characters go, everything was pretty much an improvement, so good work. As plot, nothing super-substantial happens, but who cares. Character development is important too, and as it came from the three characters I felt the least connected to, I certainly won't complain.

[Stonewall]

All Their Lives Waiting in the Wings

My first instinct is to say that not much happens, but then I realize: She's in a cage in the middle of the ocean. What the heck is she supposed to do? That leaves character interaction, and as I adore both yours and Revel's dialogue, that isn't a problem. Add Rath into the mix, and we have ourselves a party. This sets up for good future interaction, especially because Eliza doesn't seem to clue in that she's one of the freaks now, and these are likely to be the best friends she's going to have in the long run. Something that's been bugging me, though, is the under-playing of Eliza's scarring. It's good for an ugly joke here and there so far, but given that such a big part of her past was being pretty, it doesn't seem to be eating her up that much. I'd like to see her disfigurement become a bigger part of her story, which, given that this is only week one, will probably happen, and I'm just  being  impatient.

[Eliza Lacrimosa]

Thank you so much, Stonewall!

And, yes, the scarring will definitely become a bigger issue in the future.  ;)

[Jarrtail]

Being that she's with a pirate crew right now, scars wouldn't really be an issue, would they? I mean, corsairs and whatnot get in a lot of battles, and rather disfiguring facial scars might actually be not uncommon.

[Sparrowhawk]

I think he probably meant a big deal to Eliza, not the corsairs. ;)

I actually like that the scars have only been mentioned a few times, like when Verand insulted her in the bar. Like, if I had a facial disfigurement (that didn't cause me any pain), I'd probably forget about it a lot of the time until I happened to see my reflection and/or someone mentioned it to me. Maybe.

[Jarrtail]

I hope never to get a scar on my face. Not so much that I care, but I wear oval-shaped glasses and some annoyances at my school got the idea that I look like Harry Potter. If I actually had a scar, I'd hear no end of it.  

(EDIT: Minor language. Be sure to read the forum guidelines. :))

[Stonewall]

Incidentally, I am still reading, but writing a myriad of papers is eating my time. (Quebec Film to Gangster Film to Canadian History to Russian History and back to Quebec Film. Oy.) So reviews are going to be mandatorily scarce. But yeah, still here.

[Stonewall]

5 second reviews!

Bellona: Good, she's coming out of her shell a bit. I like that some level of attachment is growing towards Damask; can't brood 24/7. Angst is still level, not unbearable. She's still got some spirit in her, but I like how she can't just power through everything and have everyone bow to her will. The experience with Mat-whatever shows that. And I like that things keep going wrong for her.

Damask: The romance angle is a nice touch, but I'm not certain about the "I hear voices in my head, they come to me, the understand" angle. It seems unnecessary, in a way, when the character's personality is extravagent enough on it's own. Also, I'm still getting a feeling of contradictory personality points: he's bold, he's meek, he's brave, he's devious, he's bombastic, he's shy, he's selfish, he's generous. I'm all for complicated characters, but I need some level of consistancy, and our robin seems to be bop-bop-bobbing in too many places. Back to the romance, I like the jealousy he feels towards Venril, and how oblivious he is to the fact that it would probably never work out. It's cute and touching.

Venril: Still love Venril. The love triangle is nice, and his jealousy mixed with his already low self esteem is a nice touch. I enjoyed how much joy he took out of killing Verand, and what a round-about way he had to go about doing it. Not just suddenly saying "I've had enough, and I'm gonna kick you to the curb!" Still believable, still well balanced. I appreciate that he's a mixture of reactionary and a slow growth of action-doing.

Eliza: Oh Eliza, so very in her element. She's playing with the boys, and enjoys it on some level, but is having a good deal of revelation about her own personality and what she doesn't like. That's good: I was afraid she was going to be perpetually snarky with no growth at all, and this is an improvement, without having to completely overhaul the character. I'm still not seeing her getting hindered overmuch with her scarring, but maybe that's becasue when I read the application, I was under the impression she was completely disfigured.

Revel: Good, Revel has some things going for her that I can dig. Her wanting to be pretty and liked shows that she's not just a walking sack of teeth, and it gives her motivation to stick around. And mixed with her simplicity of thought, the desire to be like Eliza is understandable and kind of pitiable. So Revel's status in the story is growing and becoming more solid as she connectes to others.

Rath: I like how Rath seems to be, in one way or another, either connected or related to the other characters. It makes him seem more interesting and dynamic. I'm a bit dissapointed, however, that the reluctance to fight and depth of character that was hinted at in the application is lying dormant. I mean, he still goes for his axe when threatened and still acts as the muscle. Just throwing this out there, but I think it'd be cool if he got into a fight with either Bellona or one of the cave freaks and lose, and lose fairly/badly, just to remind him of why he walked away from fighting in the first place. Just don't have him be the one-dimensional "My name is Ferret and I love to fight!"