Reviews from an Evil Ferret Lass

[Damask the Minstrel]

And don't forget that sometimes, the birds bite back! I seem to recall the old "crows feasting on the dead" used a couple times. And I'm sure the eagles and owls don't mind some tasty mammal noms.

So watch out, Revel, my cousins will nom you back!

[Sycamore]

well I'd still considered the "primitive" creatures like the Painted Ones, Gawtrybe, etc. to be sentient. They're smart enough to create their own culture, after all, it just happens to be quite a bit different from the one your standard Abbeybeast or vermin is accustomed to.

Well, by dumb I mean not smart and not non-sentient.

[Sparrowhawk]

But they're just smart in a different wayyyyyy! A killing-and-eating-things way!

I've always had a soft spot for the Painted Ones and all those other crazycannibal tribes myself, even though they generally end up playing either the role of "persisting annoyance" or "temporary obstacle".

[Ashira]

Okay, back for more although who know show long this will last.  I have about 40 pages of a German book to read, an essay in German, and whatever exercises I have due tomorrow.  Being a junior is so much fun!

Keane:
Your application was probably the least remarkable before Suellyn's, but you are a kitty-cat and as any ROCer should well know, I have significant soft spot's for kitty-cats.  That works in your favor.  You also are, thankfully, a good writer and I read your chapter so fast that I was astonished when I reached the end.

Good for me and all my German reading assignments above, but I hope you don't leave your chapters too short.  Your writing is also very clear and I already have an idea of what Keane is planning, but don't leave us short on the details either.  I see you've already wisely teamed up with another vermin from the get-go and that's bound to serve you well.    

I really don't have much more to say.  He has a terrible relationship with his mother and he has to leave town because his drug business is now creating a stir.  But already kinda knew his relationship with his mother was terrible from your app.  Don't be afraid to expand more on Keane with the next chapter, especially since you likely won't be able to fit another chapter in before the vote.  We'll see though.

Venril:
Oh, Venril!  You're so terribly awkward in an obviously unknown situation.  It's cute!  Much like Revel I did like your application the first time I read it, even if I thought it lacked a little meat and muscle.  Now's your chance to expound on that and you're doing a beautiful job of showing just how meek and shy Venril is.  He particularly stands out since so very few writers care to deal with awkward characters, but this is an aid for you.  You write well enough that you can pull it off, too.

You've also set up a neat situation although....I take it this is a flashback to before Matukhana raids the woodlander village then?  It'd be nicer if you made that a little clearer (if that's the case), but I figured it out all the same.

I think the hero-worship of Rath could also be interesting to play out in the story.  I mean, Venril's a Captain and even though he has no experience whatsoever at the job, the fact that the Baron's taken him to some places(if only to do his job) shows a certain trust and appreciation even for his scribing skills.  Even if your chapter was short, I got a lot of information from it, so thank you!

I have no idea who'd my favorite character in this contest would be, but you're definitely ranked in the top 3 or so.  Keep it up!

[Ashira]

Another double post.  Don't kill me, Tara.

Eliza:
I definitely liked your application from the very beginning, too, but I also felt your language was a teensy bit flowery, despite the wonderful set-up you created to get her into the contest.  Although, that purple prose rather matched the elegance and flare of the entire atmosphere, so I'm definitely not upset about that.

I was curious though: just how badly damaged is Eliza's face?  I realize that just a teensy little scratch would be taken hard by the pine marten, but at the moment I'm imagining a creature who's recognizable features have been completely obliterated.  Ever seen Silent Hill?  Know the nurses from the game?  (if not, just look it up on-line).  I keep imagining something like that.

You've got an interesting set-up here and completely plausible, and I'm mostly referring to shunning the ferret's advances and then he decides that you need to be taught a lesson.  I can see that coming from him, but for someone who isn't Captain, would he be commanding the troops or would Venril?  I realize Venril's such an awkward fellow, supposed to no be capable of commanding.  Ah well, not that big a deal.

Although, I wanted to warn, try not to angst too much.  Can't say I'm a terribly big fan of angst.  As it is, it's really easy to see her definitely worry over her looks.  This is new!  Her world has completely changed, but as the situation gets a little hairier I kinda expect that to dribble away in light of scars.  Although...if she really is that much of a shell then she might not care about the dangers they'll soon be faced with.  Be careful about that or it could be with the same trap as Suellyn.

Rath
Rath, I see good things for you in your future.  At least I hope I do.  You're fun, even if you sorta already follow in the footsteps of Bellonna with the hold hardened warrior bit.  But your writing is fun and not altogether too serious, which helps keep your posts rather jaunty.

It almost amused me when Rath had to stop and wondering what a brig was.  Great way to show that he definitely does not know everything, and I was also amused by the bit of awkwardness that he had around Keane.  Keane never struck me as a goofy creature, but it didn't seem so out-of-character.

I hesitate to say this, but I'd kinda like to see more interaction between Rath and Eliza.  NOT ROMANCE!  C'mon, not every heterosexual group automatically means puppy-eyes, but I can see a lot of sniping and griping that might be fun. 

And on that note:

Rath, Eliza, and Venril are undoubtedly my top three, but not necessarily in that order.  I'm not sure I could arrange you in a desirable order.  Rath's writing wasn't as impressive as the other, but the simplistic style really seemed to fit him.  Keep it up! 

[Eliza Lacrimosa]

*bows*

Thank you very much for the review, Madame Ferret!

Regarding face damage, she's not, say, completely unrecognizeable as a pine marten. She's got a pretty impressive set of scars and a lot of baldness on the back of her head (thanks to chunks of falling house). It should be explained more fully in the near future.

[Bellona Littlebrush]

Just wanted to say thank you for reviewing, m'am. Always nice to have someone with constructive criticisms. I'm sorry about the confusion with who Nashald is. Hopefully the somewhat obvious [insert information here] point in the Interlude that Damask, Dead, I wrote will answer that. I also hope my next post will be more plot-ful. A lot will be happening, at the very least. ;)

[Ashira]

Thank you, Eliza and Bellonna, for responding!  It's nice to know my critiques are appreciated.  ^_^

Damask:
Ah, round two.  And this is a much better chapter compared to your first.  A little less hazy, a lot more clear, and your style is really starting to show.  Very nice.  You are also showing considerably more character development with these internal battles.  I'm not sure if I would categorize Damask as a selfish character, but he certainly seems that way when he's mentally weighing the pros and cons of attacking vermin not for the sake of his own welfare or even the potential victims, but for his reputation.  Very telling.  And I hope you don't somehow take that as criticism, because it's a very good and decently subtle flaw to have.

Yes, your flair is definitely starting to peak through and I have a feeling Sailpaw is going to menace you a little later considering the circumstances surrounding the end.  This particular post was definitely several steps above your first one and I hope you continue with the quality writing, now that you've apparently found your stride.

I'm having difficulty finding anything you would really need to improve upon.  Keep up the good work!  You're certainly in no danger of getting voted by me.

Revel:

Revel, I really did like your app and even your first post, but this one seemed kinda lackluster.  Different, but detached. Not especially energetic.  I'll just attribute that to the new circumstances Revel's found herself in and how she's never seen a boat.

But right now, I see a hole that's being dug and I imagine I will be pretty upset if you step your way out of it implausibly.  I realize the whole cannibalism thing is your selling point, but Revel can't go two days without eating a woodlander?  What is it about woodlander flesh that's turned her into a drug addict or an alcoholic?  I suppose there are ways of sneaking a woodlander kill to eat, but how long will that last before the crew catches on?  In canon, Revel would be thrown to the sharks in a week or so, unless he hangs on the side the whole time Beau and Vurg-style.

I imagine you'll twist your way out of it depending on how short this voyage apparently is, but you yourself have made cannibalism an extreme oddity that would might very well be worth death.  How long can Revel reasonably last before the crew shuns her away?  Therein lies a flaw with the contest.  You can't die until the audience puts you to death and I seriously hope you don't completely alter the fabric of reality to get around this inherent flaw.  Please be cautious of that!

[Rath the Whirlwind]

Sorry for not saying so earlier, but I very much appreciate your reviews, Ashira!  I just don't like to speak much unless I have anything pressing to add/ask. 

[Damask the Minstrel]

Yay!

And Damask's a poor conflicted soul, isn't he? I'm going to enjoy torturing him (hopefully for a long time).

Thankee so much!

[Revel]

Revel, I really did like your app and even your first post, but this one seemed kinda lackluster.  Different, but detached. Not especially energetic.  I'll just attribute that to the new circumstances Revel's found herself in and how she's never seen a boat.

Oh. I mentioned in Ada's review thread that my first post was really not my usual style. I doubt I could re-create that style for even another post, let alone the whole contest. This last one is more like what you'll be seeing from me.  :( Do you know how I would go about making things more energetic?

I'll keep your advice in mind! I definitely know now that I've made a big mistake in letting Revel's interactions with the other characters happen mostly in everyone else's posts. I hope your opinion of her will change before this week is done! Most of your questions should be answered in next week's posts, too. I realize the cannibal thing may be a selling point, but I'll try not to sell out.  :P it's definitely not the main point of Revel's character. It's more of a byproduct of her main point.

Thank you for reviewing!

:mspacman: ~ Rev!

[Ashira]

Err...Revel, you asked me advice on how to make your writing more energetic.  The thing is, though, it's almost an automatic thing.  It's your style, your flair, it's in the energy of your character.  I honestly don't know what to tell you to improve your writing there.

It might help if, in this later chapter, your character didn't feel so distant.  The chapter itself read more like a narration than the POV of that character.  Try to get more into Revel's thoughts.

And, I did think this earlier, you definitely need to start interacting more with the other contestants.  Revel is feeling like a loner, even if she isn't alone.

[Ashira]

An overall review:

Because you all just had to squeeze your last posts under the wire.

Aside from Damask's and Venril's posts, the last collect(with the exception of Deadtail and Rath because I haven't read them yet) seem to me as if they've experienced a sudden drop in quality.  Eliza, while the character interaction is good, the fact that you didn't move anywhere was bad.  It seems that you got stuck with a sorta dreadful filler post.  Dialogue isn't always bad, certainly, and with something like a contest, sometimes you really can't do anything but chatter.  This particular posting order did you a disservice, I think.

Sue, how in the world could you possibly be down in the slave hold and not notice that it was Revel cutting off the vole's arm?  I mean, how big is this ship?  As big as the Titanic?  Yeah, I don't believe that.  It really sounds like you're trying to be purposely oblivious for the sake of not ruining your relationship with Revel, but she clearly doesn't even try to hide her cannibalism, and it might've been interesting to see the fallout.

Keane: you were probably my biggest problem.  The first half of your post was really pretty good.  Maybe even great, but I felt that the wreck was rather poorly written.  How can a cat who's been thrashing in bed because he's freezing and is nauseous suddenly just pass out on the wheel like he's had too much to drink?  Then he wakes up and the other vermin just said, "You crashed the ship.  You idiot."  Then after another paragraph or so, the panic really sets in.  Sorry, but I just thought it was very poorly done.  Try to work on that next time.

Venril, as I mentioned above, yours was one of the few posts that I liked.  You didn't do much--although you did move us into the main crux of the story--and you didn't go ahead and reiterate the battle when we knew it already took place based on Tara's post.  Good on you!  You also showed a little backbone to Suellyn.  Thank you!  I can already see your character developing.

Bellonna, I have no idea how you managed to squeeze three posts in the first week, but congrats.  You definitely were not on my list to possibly vote off even before your 3rd post, but if there was any doubt about your character, it's gone now.  Thank you.  Very well done last couple of chapters.  I only thought the waterfall was a little suspect, but it was still a good read. 

All of you really just seemed to be rushing either to beat the voting or finally get to the middle part of the story and, I must admit, I blame Tara for pushing you to get to her prologue.  You're going to be in this place for the next 8 or 9 weeks!  Did you really have to rush everyone there in the first week?  I kinda wish you hadn't.

[Opal]

But...I didn't really push them. I could've said something like "you must be past the prologue by the end of the first round of posts!" or even "you must be past the prologue by the end of the week!" but I didn't. I suggested that they don't dwell on the prologue for too long when I noticed that it was going to take more than the first round of posts to get past it, but there was no force involved. This is their story, ultimately. :P

[Revel]

All of you really just seemed to be rushing either to beat the voting or finally get to the middle part of the story and, I must admit, I blame Tara for pushing you to get to her prologue.  You're going to be in this place for the next 8 or 9 weeks!  Did you really have to rush everyone there in the first week?  I kinda wish you hadn't.

Me too  :'( That's why we did all the flashback posts in the first place. We didn't want to start out straight off from here. I kinda wish the prologue had been posted at the end of Week 1 so the happenings of our posts weren't so obviously catching-up and still held some mystery for readers.

But we still love Tara!!

Sue, how in the world could you possibly be down in the slave hold and not notice that it was Revel cutting off the vole's arm?  I mean, how big is this ship?

Revel snuck down during the night... there wouldn't be any lanterns in the slave deck... Sue would most likely be asleep... Revel did a cut-and-run, not sticking around to wave her prize and boast at the rest of the slaves.  ;D

Revel should be back to her old self soon. I think it's really the new surroundings that are making her so distant, because she's more interested in that than in talking to anyone. As you can see, once she gets used to things better (or just has nothing to do), she talks more. Thank you!