Reviews from an Evil Ferret Lass

[Damask the Minstrel]

It is!

*induces labor*

[Birch]

Revel has become Schr?dinger's Stoat.

[Revel]

I contain the possibility of both stoatkits and no stoatkits. The only way to find out which one is true is to open the fridge!

[Damask the Minstrel]

With a knife? *menaces*

Reminds me of a line from Angel:
"Maybe it's a hysterical pregnancy!"
"Want to feel it kick?"

[Ashira]

Revel
I definitely like this chapter.  You've done a great job of sorta leveling out your character while keeping this sorta...I hesitate to say whimsical oddity, but she's certainly not a serious character.  We're not getting her weirdness as intensely as we were and I appreciate that if only because I keep thinking someone is bound to kill her for being so different. 

I love this sort of hide and seek in the dark, but why did you switch out of Revel's POV and take on Birch's?  Birch is not your character.   Obviously.  I would've been keen to have seen what happened in the entire chapter through Revel's eyes.  She turned into a hunter, like a wolf chasing down her prey, but you switch to Birch to...enhance the fear I suppose.  I would've liked to have seen the predator.  Were you afraid of a possible backlash should Revel come off as really scary?  I suppose I would've questioned her sanity and ability to hide her predatory side from the others, but even then it would have been really interesting!

Ah well, it was still a good chapter and quite thrilling to read after such a long bout of no reading.

More reviews to come.  Maybe.

[Sycamore]

Revel
I love this sort of hide and seek in the dark, but why did you switch out of Revel's POV and take on Birch's?  Birch is not your character.   Obviously.  I would've been keen to have seen what happened in the entire chapter through Revel's eyes.  She turned into a hunter, like a wolf chasing down her prey, but you switch to Birch to...enhance the fear I suppose.  I would've liked to have seen the predator.  Were you afraid of a possible backlash should Revel come off as really scary?  I suppose I would've questioned her sanity and ability to hide her predatory side from the others, but even then it would have been really interesting!

Ooh, I noticed this too, and I came to really like the viewpoint switch.

A few of us got into some trouble in QBV for viewpoint shifts, and I think that's silly, partly because I don't think we should be limited in these contests to follow one character specifically, and secondly because sometimes things go on that your specific character doesn't know about. In this specific case, I think it ups the horror quite effectively.

Birch, still laying on her front, grabbed for the torch and blew on it gently, willing the embers back to life. A sudden weight on her back sent her chin cracking against the floor again, and sharp pains tugged at her neck. The squirrel gasped, claws scraping against the stone floor as she fought to get away.

I love that passage for the sole reason that it's not in Revel's viewpoint. Check it out: "A sudden weight on her back sent her chin cracking against the floor again, and sharp pains tugged at her neck."

Not "Revel jumped on her back, forcing the squirrel to the ground while teeth closed on her neck."

Of course, I can't do Revel justice here, but even if it was written better there's no indication that the squirrel is experiencing pain, just an indirect assumption of it. What Revel does is force us not to follow the action, but to follow the pain.

And that sends shivers down my spine.

[Ashira]

I'd argue with you, Syc, but I don't think it affected her chapter negatively at all.  I was just curious about the POV switch.  I mean, this is honestly the first time we've encountered a contestant doing it and it sorta threw me off.

Deadtail:

You have such an apt name, because that's really how your posts read: dead.  Deadtail strikes me more as a zombie, rather going through the motions of living but still not quite there.  I know what happened in your chapter, but it was also mystifying.  If I remember correctly, they kept encountering a bunch of caved-in tunnels when there was no mention of them in Bell's posts.   I suppose yours would make a little more sense in context if this is a geographically unstable cave.

If you want to stay alive beyond this week (if you haven't already been voted off), then you're going to have to start showing a little bit more emotion and clarity in your writing.  I can understand Deadtail's need to just care about himself, but he was in charge of Damask, and it makes me think that Deadtail's life might very well have been on the line, too.

Also of note: I don't recall Deadtail even being mentioned in anyone else's post after your own.  Keane doesn't say anything about him, not Rath, not Venril, not Revel.  It's like he's still buried under rubble.

You're in trouble.

Venril:
Okay, I think nitpicking on something like titles is silly, but did you really have to do a Pokemon reference?  Really?  I loves me some subtlety and I know various other posters here have referenced song within their titles.  Perhaps not always fitting, but still subtle.  Pokemon?  C'mon!

And much like Syc criticized, you retread a lot of old ground in this one, up to the collapsing of the cave (something Deadtail, oddly enough, didn't even mention).  Also, did only three woodlanders attack the vermin group?  I thought a lot more did (and I can't tell if this is a mistake on your part or Bell's).  Thankfully, you finally get past this part to where you wake up and have that awkward moment where vermin/woodlanders form a temporary truce.

I fully expect Venril to get keel-hauled for negotiating a truce without any say from the actual Captain.  It's nice that we see occasional flickers of Venril actually acting on some of his more brilliant ideas, but if he's a "real hordebeast now" wouldn't he start actually acting confident?  Still not a hordebeast that I recognize.

Another thing that's actually starting to bug me about your chapters is your constant mention of Verand.  It's obvious you're using him as a foil to show just how incompetent Venril is, but there are other ways of showing that - example: Rath's first post.  It really feels like you're controlling two characters instead of one because, unlike Sailpaw, Verand only shows up in your posts and he only ever reacts to Venril.  It's like he's a hallucination of Venril's and you have him attached to Venril like some sick version of a puppy that must constantly follow him around.   I'd like to see you wean yourself from Verand a little here.

Your post wasn't completely worthless! Don't get me wrong, but you've been really treading some old ground.  Despite that cheesy line at the end, I was pleased to see Venril actually do something useful and perhaps even gain a little bit more confidence.  But...we don't actually see any of that confidence, either, when he makes a truce with the woodlanders.  Still, he is actually doing stuff and not just continuing to be a useless lump.  The gradual development into even a decent hordebeast is coming along.

[Sycamore]

Another thing that's actually starting to bug me about your chapters is your constant mention of Verand.  It's obvious you're using him as a foil to show just how incompetent Venril is, but there are other ways of showing that - example: Rath's first post.  It really feels like you're controlling two characters instead of one because, unlike Sailpaw, Verand only shows up in your posts and he only ever reacts to Venril.  It's like he's a hallucination of Venril's and you have him attached to Venril like some sick version of a puppy that must constantly follow him around.   I'd like to see you wean yourself from Verand a little here.

OR! OR OR OR!!!

GOMGOMGOM

What if Verand really was part of his imagination? Like that guy from that movie! That would be cool.

[Ashira]

Like Fight Club right?

If that is the case, that's the awesomest twist ever and Venril deserves to win this whole darned contest.

[Sycamore]

I know! Totally unexpected! If all the characters had twists like this... I just don't know. My head may explode from awesomesauce.

[Eliza Lacrimosa]

Er... Verand was in my first post, actually.  :P

But, don't despair! He could totally be a shared delusion between Venny and I!

[Ashira]

I didn't forget that either, Eliza.  I thought about that the other night, actually, but otherwise Verand is like a ghost.  Maybe he died in the shipwreck and Venril still doesn't know!

[Sycamore]

Er... Verand was in my first post, actually.  :P

That fills me with disappointment.

Maybe he died in the shipwreck and Venril still doesn't know!

This fills me with hope.

[Jarrtail]

Man, that would be amazing...I do hope Venril is reading this...

[Bellona Littlebrush]

?Just a bit of a rumble to get us started!? the hare shot back as everybeast struggled to find his balance after the shake. ?Now, go!? He waved the other escapees away as he looked to one chainmate, then the other. Each one, an otter and a shrew, nodded in turn.

...

"...Right then, you lads, let?s give it the old what for!?

?Aye!?

?Thank you.? Bell steeled herself and nodded to the brave creatures. She would have insisted on taking their place herself, but she doubted her chainmates would be keen on the notion of a last stand. No sense in having unwilling fighters.

There were only three beasts mentioned as running off in my post, m'am. Sorry if it seemed like more. They were just sacrificing themselves; they knew they weren't coming back from it.

Also, this isn't something I usually do, but I'd just like to point out that while Venril might have 'covered old ground' he did so from a different and unique perspective that Bell (and therefore my post) was not privy to. I'll admit we could have handled it better. The idea of switching back and forth between myself and Venril did not occur to me, but it is quite brilliant and a device I'd very much like to use in the future. We'll try to improve, but really, the majority of Venril's post was quite novel. What happened to the other side? Without Venril's perspective, I've a feeling the audience might have cried foul about him showing up at the cave in and not giving a full explanation why.