Birdy reviews

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Gonna keep the introduction brief: I'm Tibs, which was my first survivor character from way back in QB2. I've been in 5 so far, so I've seen my fair share of apps. Take these reviews with as much salt as you like, they're not meant to be close to objective.

Not going to do rankings for the most part, just a quick: this is what I liked, this is what didn't work for me, this is what I want to see in the contest if they get in.

And a song for each, because a few apps had one pop into mind, so I thought I'd standardize and give them each one.

ETA: Obviously, the songs might contain curses and whatnot, so, yeah. I've tried to stick to lyric videos on Youtube, so no risque videos, but also no promises on if they'll match the PG-13 content of the boards, because the internet is a terrible jungle of content warning sinkholes.

ETA 2: Should also stress that my 'quibbles' sections are really just that. I've been out of the scene for a while, but even so, I can't remember the last time a top 30 was this good. I feel like every app would've made it this far in any other contest I've been in. So, well done y'all!

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Working from the back, just to buck the trend.

Wildcard

Rynn:

Enjoyed: The argument itself was great. Rynn feels like someone who regularly waffles between extreme reactions. The actions felt vivid and visceral. Jamming the food in, marching to Zali, tossing him out, slamming the door, smashing the place. Keep that up if you get in! Make her actions pop!

Quibbles: A few minor technical issues ("her eyes so hot they could have melt steel") and I wish there was a little less arm flailing, which felt repetitive and, frankly unnecessary. We got that they were fighting without it.

Looking ahead: The fact that her 'berserker-ness' is mirrored in how impulsive she is is a great way to integrate her into the story. She seems the type to jump at the chance to sign on to a crazy mission to fight an army all on her own. It feeds into the need to do the right thing, in theory, while also ensuring she won't have to stick around for the fallout (either she'll be croakster, or she can just bugger back off after all the killing). Also, her seemingly short temper will make for plenty of inter-contestant drama.

Song: Joan Jett and the Blackhearts, "Bad Reputation"

Seamus:

Enjoyed: Do you have kids? Because The Imp was written exactly like a capricious, trying-to-be-helpful-and-failing, slightly sociopathic adorable monster. Did a great job of capturing the specific misery that must befall a seasick bird.

Quibbles: Cocaine? In my Redwall? It's more likely than you think. I assume that was the point of this reference: "Temptation from Underworld Molefolk – opiates of pleasure that would cost him—". Also, be careful when you treat birds like any other animal. Smelling salts are ammonia-based, and ammonia isn't just an unpleasant experience for a bird. It's commonly used as a repellent and causes a lot of problems when it naturally builds up in farms. Also, just as a note, smelling salts are typically either opened below the nostrils (which can cause a violent arousal of the senses) or immersed in a perfumed liquid for the same effect. Putting them directly into your face won't just cause a burning sensation. It'd cause actual burns.

Looking ahead: I think Seamus would make a good partner to a schemer, since he comes across as a cerebral type. But that leads to my primary worry, more than little quibbles about bird physiology. Why would Seamus even join this expedition? He seems to crave nothing more than a library on dry land and is only here because it was pushed on him. Make sure you nail down a motivation for him, because an aimless contestant is not long for this world.

Song: Joy Division, "Leave Me Alone"

Zandir Firesage:

Enjoyed: The battle description was good, and largely frill-free. You painted a good picture of the... nomadic cult(?) that he's a part of. The image of a strong, determined warrior who still turns into a bit of a kid when his elder is pushing him around is endearing and accurate. Badger Lords themselves quake at the sound of a grandmother's snapping tone.

Quibbles: I know that adding a mystery can be a good hook, but it can sometimes frustrate. I felt that your cramming as much character-specific lore into it as possible actually didn't help you. They're some kind of chosen cult guarding a specific item. He's the chosen guardian. There's a mention of a "Rooted Ones". None of this is explained to the reader. A little mystery is good. A lot can be overwhelming (also, we're already going to be dealing with contest-specific occult things with the seer ladies and the Suneater). Watch some technical issues: there was an it's-its confusion at the end, and I don't think 'prickled beasts' would be the right word. It made me assume hedgehogs where there were none.

Looking ahead: The fighting was written well, so I assume Zandir would be good in the fray itself. If you can get everyone else on board, merging the two culty plotlines (yours and Mekai's) would actually serve you well. Just don't go Deus ex Machina with whatever his treasure is. If he's hiding a bagful of gunpowder and a recipe for it, I'll call foul. If, on the other hand, it's a more symbolic treasure "that would destroy those that knew it", I'm down.

Song: In tone? Trans-Siberian Orchestra, "What is Eternal?"
In content? Queen & David Bowie, "Under Pressure"

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Assassin

Brother Hawthorne:

Enjoyed: No lie, the idea of a healer assassin who gets told which patients to save and which to kill is fun. I like that he seems resigned and at least a little remorseful for his actions. Makes me wonder what this organization either has on him, or what his ties to it are. The fact that his actions are measured. Waiting for the recruit to leave and taking a moment before checking the note. It's a good way to show that the caution and care he takes as a surgeon are mirrored in his personality.  Noticing little details like the recruit's stance. All good.

Quibbles: "the rim of two half-light discs" This read terribly to me. An overly flowery way of saying 'half-moon spectacles', assuming that's what you meant. Also "Wet dripping and the tinny chorus of objects joining the Hawthorn's debris plate to Hawthorn's side punctuated the silence." was an overly-complicated description. Read your prose aloud sometimes, it'll help with flow. A couple other minor errors in speech punctuation "And then, "Bursoot" should have a colon. "Ashgrove can a little... unwelcoming" -- you forgot the 'be' there. Just, make sure to clean up things like that.

Looking ahead: Tactically speaking, having a healer would be a plus for the group. Narratively? I would enjoy pairing an older, calmer head with some of the headstrong types, especially the berserkers. Or acting as a guiding force for some of the more aimless ones. And an ethics debate between Hawthorne and Novak would be a blast.Is this assassin going to be stealthily sneaking about the enemy camp and stabbing people? No. But it'll be an interesting addition nonetheless.

Song (I am so sorry, this was what immediately popped into my head): Bon Jovi, "Bad Medicine"

Robin:

Enjoyed: Honestly, the best part for me was stopping halfway and re-reading the beginning as not an actually lamenting lady of the house, but one acting the part for her soon-to-be departed fiance. It was extremely funny. Same with the whole 'no, no, I insist, you drink from that one' bit. And "Since when is backwash romantic?" felt a little anachronistic in hindsight, but at the time I just laughed at it. It's a great line.

Quibbles: Well... she's not really an assassin, is she? She doesn't do this for a living, she was just trying some old-fashioned domestic murder. And, she actually saved the one person she was trying to kill, by accident. I suppose it's possible she was trying to kill him for good ol' fashioned greed reasons, but it just felt more like she was just trying to get out of the marriage, from what we're given. A part of me wonders if the author didn't have this character kicking around, then tried to wriggle them into this slot. A few technical issues as well, especially with dialogue punctuation. Remember, commas are for speaking actions, that's all. 'We really shouldn't," Robin gently nudged' needs a period, for example, not a comma.

Looking ahead: Robin would be one of those 'fish out of water' characters, which can sometimes be great. A noble lady, no demonstrable skills in combat or subterfuge except some possible acting abilities, having to join this band of miscreants? Also, you gave yourself a natural in: she either tries again and fails, succeeds and is busted, her plans are discovered, or she just runs off from the marriage. All good reasons to take the nearest slow boat to Nest.

Song: You + Me, "Capsized"

Siobhan

Enjoyed: Let's be honest, there's one reason we all enjoy this app: catharsis. Professional assassin tosses aside her current comfort in order to gut the guy beating her friend? That's delicious. Also enjoyed the tonal shift for the middle section, and the way the narration shifted to being more distinct alongside her mood. Did a good job of putting us in her head.

Quibbles: Breaking it up into three parts made it harder to flesh out any one of them. It'll be a big worry later on if you're trying to skimp on any one part just to fit more into each post. A couple of little things jumped out as feeling cliched "time stood still", for example. And you use "some beast" instead of "somebeast", which felt off. One is a stand-in for someone, one seems more pejorative, like calling someone a beast would (even if that's a word used in Redwallverse? I know, it's confusing, but one seems a worse tone than the other, which seems unnecessarily antagonistic towards a stranger, here).

Looking ahead: I think you have one big hurdle -- what to do with Wydd. Is she coming along? Is she going to be sequestered somewhere? The codename bit makes me think she'll be doing more of this with Arwydd's help. Does she set up shop somewhere, "Dirtbags murdered, ten bits"? You've got a bit of backstory more to get handled before the adventure begins. Otherwise, an accomplished killer with a grudge against crappy men? Get her, Rynn, and Antonia together and the fellas better be on their best behavior.

Song: Carrie Underwood, "Two Black Cadillacs"

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Brigands:

Antonia:

Enjoyed: Uuuh, all of it? Seriously, this is an extremely well-written app. I didn't notice any errors or poor phrasing. Flows well. Has the best fight scene of maybe any of them in this category or outside of it.

Quibbles: There's a part where you slip into third omniscient instead of third limited: '[he] struck hard at Antonia's head as he should have done from the very beginning.' I mean, it's Julie d'Aubigny. Not quite verbatim, but it's pretty close (down to burning down a convent to spring the girl she liked -- in Julie's case it was romantically, dunno about Antonia). Also, my only other quibble is app placement. It feels like she should be in the Duelist category, not the Brigand. Yes, she assault's his carriage on the road, but she's not a brigand... unless she does this to other beasts as well? But I get the impression this was targeted revenge. But she's clearly skilled in duels.

Looking ahead: Honestly, I think she's golden, assuming she has motivation to right wrongs other than that specific one. The writer is, by all measures, skilled enough not to get bogged down like that, so I don't think it'll be a problem. Sally forth, Antonia, and purge the patriarchy!

Song: Florence + the Machine, "Seven Devils"

Kiri:

Enjoyed: How vivid the mask-preparing scene was. The thought put into tactics -- a tiny sparrow is normally not going to be much of a threat, so the author had to come up with a way to make that either an advantage or nullify that disadvantage. Also, this line: 'Soundless on the still afternoon air, she slipped out and with two tiny flaps landed next to him'. It flows so wonderfully.

Quibbles: More bird-intensive nitpicks, sorry. 'Ruddy feathers soaked up the mixture greedily' -- female sparrows are, like most female birds, already marked for camouflage. Males have the reddish markings on top. 'putting on your face' felt a little anachronistic, even if it's technically true. We also get no reason why she's working with these brigands, since it's an atypical pairing. Is it convenience on their part? On hers?

Looking ahead: I imagine you'll be at home with any of the combat-y types, since you've already spent all this time with other highwaybeasts. Flesh out a little more how she ended up with the bad crowd, and maybe why she always wears a mask? 'Perfect for blending into the leaves, too' tells me that the camouflage is incidental, not intentional. Why hide your face in the first place?

Song: Jekyll and Hyde, "Facade"

Smooths:

Enjoyed: This poor boy. I immediately sympathized with him, even if he probably is a big, dumb bully who robs people -- from context. Still, you basically wrote Pintel and Ragetti from Pirates and had one die, so, it's sad. Love that you brought back 'mucker', it was such an underappreciated diminutive from the books.

Quibbles: While the prose seems to match up well with the tone of the app -- plodding -- and the mentality of the protagonist -- on the simpler side -- I feel like it's almost too simple? Nothing jumped out at me, style-wise. A couple of details were nice: the tang of blood at the beginning, the plumes of dust when Muli's dropped. But overall it was largely forgettable? Smooths, too. He would work well as a random redshirt B-plot to me, but I don't know if he could work the spotlight that a contest requires.

Looking ahead: One of the problems I've had in these contests is making side/support characters. And a well-written one can last for a good while. But eventually you just fall by the wayside, because the audience thinks "eh, we can kill them, because it won't affect the plot at all. If Smooths gets in, you have to resist that pull. He seems like he'd gravitate to being a side character. You gotta push back against that.

Song: The Beatles, "With a Little Help From My {Mucker}"

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Marksmen:

Flauros:

Enjoyed: Does a good job setting the scene. Cowardly prisoner, disgusted protagonist, chief comes across as self-righteous and a bit pompous. Pacing is good and even throughout.You demonstrate that Flauros is presumably known for his skill, even if you don't directly show it. The action that does happen is written well. I enjoy me some onomatopoeia, so good on you for using it.

Quibbles:‌ I get the purpose of the hard cut at the end, to add suspense, but I feel doing it undercuts Flauros' characterization. Though he doesn't bother to learn Cordy's name, he does try to stop the execution. So, does he miss on purpose, "fate" deciding again? Does he kill him for the easy buck?‌ Does he hit the chief, because he doesn't want to be yelled at by a weirdo? (Also, why isn't the chief actually trying to stop him during his practice swings, if it's heresy?) Cutting before giving us the resolution, for style's sake, killed the substance. Also, there were a few times you got a little wordy for your own good. "herbalist's apothecary" comes to mind. You can just say "herbalist"‌ or "apothecary", there's no need for the redundancy.

Looking ahead: I would definitely nail down which characterization you're going to go with:‌ the Flauros that takes the dare and Cordy's life, or the Flauros that didn't and took a stand, for whatever reason. Once I know who he is, I'll know better where he'll fit.

Song: Rage Against the Machine (covering Cypress Hill), "How I Could Just Kill a Man".

Unga:

Enjoyed: Poor Unga. I kind of love that she's resigned herself to this line of work being terrible. She keeps trying to talk Snaggy out of his bad decisions, genuinely wants a connection. And that description of social awkwardness... "Oh, maybe it was just me and I missed all the cues", very vivid. Scene pacing was fantastic, too.

Quibbles: The only one that comes to mind is that it's super weird think about using an atlatl for darts. I suppose a pivot point is a pivot point, but at the same time, you run into an issue where using too much force on that light of an object can mess with its flight. They work so well for spears/javelins in part because of their weight.

Looking ahead: She's got plenty of reasons to find a new beast (or beasts)‌ to take up with. I like that she's starting to feel her age – I imagine 29 for a bounty hunter back then feels pretty old. Also, she specifically mentions wishing she could've kept Snaggy on the straight and narrow. She'd be a good pair for some of the teens that are in the top 30. Technical skills were all there, so as long as she finds her place in the group and story, you should be golden.

Song: Gotye, "Somebody That I Used to Know"

Siler:

Enjoyed: The action reminds me of The Punisher in tone. Or maybe something like Inglorious Bastards. Brutal. Cruel. Not overly flashy, though. Also, congrats on writing someone I want dead. They are definitely a piece of garbage that I want the other cast members to feed to Suneater!

Quibbles: The overall tone and diction is almost too modern. "You're in contempt of the law", "She gave me a little something extra", "The sultry shadow", the list of laws that were broken which, other than trying to duck out on a loan are pretty much the expected behavior of a vermin in canon. This felt like... pulp noir or maybe a gritty urban fantasy novel dropped in Redwall. He "holstered" his crossbow (that had been tucked in a fold of his cape before).

Also, be mindful of the story's rating. Especially if you get in. The end of your app set off some alarm bells.

Looking ahead: Honestly, here's to hoping that if he ends up in the contest, he ends up with Siobhan and Antonia. They'll feed him his own bits! But, seriously, it'll be a hard line to walk:‌ being an unrepentant villain while also being on the side of people fighting against the bigger threat. Good luck in that balancing act.

Song: Metallica, "Am I Evil"

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Guardian:

Priideep:

Enjoyed: It's great getting to see someone powerful have to deal with forces they can't control. What good is a spear and dart against mother nature herself? Her interaction with her underling is a good mix of "I'll let him talk – and keep my reputation alive" and "shut up now, it's time for business". I liked this phrase: 'but both frogs jerked with surprise when the fox gagged and spat'. It was a nice way of showing that although she seems to be ready to deal with any possible interloper, she can be taken off guard by strange behaviors as well.

Quibbles:‌ A few lines felt awkward to me. 'their round, tympanic ears' for example. It felt unnecessarily technical and took from the flow of what should've been a suspenseful moment. Using 'years' is... eh. It doesn't bother me a ton, but seasons is technically the standard. When she checks the water, she looks from the "small stream"‌ to the "small sanctuary" it runs into. Above that, it's a "small pond"‌ and a "small pool". Watch out for unintentional repetition. We got that it's small, and unless it's needed to differentiate from a larger pool nearby, it's not needed.

Looking ahead: My biggest question is can she speak with other animals. Clearly the bracket imply that you, the writer, translated their speech for us. Sedgwik clearly doesn't understand the fox, but seems to imply that Priideep can. Just... wanna make sure that's the case. Would be a rough contest if we had to work off of charades. Also, make sure to give us a good reason why she's away from her tribe, where she's one of the most important beasts.

Song: Beach Boys, "Don't Go Near the Water"

Shahin:

Enjoyed: Writing a hare usually means being good at banter, and Shahin certainly has the gift of gab. And, unlike most hares that seem to chatter like my New Englander boss just for the sake of chattering, Shahin does a good job of using that chatter to stay one step ahead in the conversation, twisting it around so that poor Eti ends up on her heels throughout it. I appreciate the specific descriptions of things, as well, when they're plot-important...

Quibbles: ...but I feel like none of that care was given to the leads. They're literally just generic hare 1 & 2. Also, the pacing is a bit of a mess. The discussion is meant to be fast, I assume, since he's trying to fast talk her and it jumps from stern to crying in a moment (also, the opening dialogue bothered me, as it seems he's objecting to being called a graverobber, and then is called it). The chase is paced quickly, but it should be. And then their respite is also paced quickly, as he's again trying to fast talk her. Give the audience a moment to breathe. Also, watch for some structure issues: 'The nearby scuff of a paw, and they ran again'. There's intentional fragments and then there's ones that feel like they were structured badly or edited badly. That feels like the latter. And vocab issues. 'Belie' means something is opposite what it would seem ('his calm demeanor belied the rage within', for example). Decrepit flowers mimic decrepit bodies. They match.

Looking ahead: A quick-witted grave robber would be an interesting addition to this crew. More than a couple are on the slow side, so he'd get to talk circles around them. He'll have to get used to facing ladies that aren't just there as props for him (as Eti felt), however, since I'm pretty sure Rynn or Siobhan would stand about 5 seconds of his nonsense before throwing paws. Also, I can't see how to interpret The Buckler of August Clade as anything but a Martin's Sword-esque magical item, given that it "yanked on his arm"‌ to block the dart. Yes, magical (or magical-adjacent)‌ items are canon. Your level 1 rogue isn't allowed to start with any, though.

Song:‌ Clearly it has to be John Williams' "Indiana Jones Main Theme"

Sheercrest:

Enjoyed:‌ Heeeey, someone who knows how to approach birds in these contests! Mentioning flight mechanics. Ruffling up and glaring. Items designed to not impede flight. All good things. Writing was solid. I enjoyed the pull between 'my instinct is to terrorize this tiny creature that could be a meal' and 'I have to be comforting and approachable to make it listen to me'. It reminds me of dealing with small children. You need to be seen as an authority figure, but you can't be too imposing. Good job capturing that. Also, I'm interested in more of that backstory...

Quibbles:‌... but I feel what you gave us comes across a little confusing. It read to me that she arrived at their barn, found them dead already, and couldn't find the right way to tell Bray that, in the words of Shaggy "it wasn't me". I suppose it's possible she did kill them and is doing this as atonement (which would also be interesting). In all, it feels like an app that was much longer and got trimmed, but maybe too trimmed.

Looking ahead: Well, first off, where are you gonna offload the munchkin?‌ Pretty sure we're not going to want a surly, distrustful mouse kid constantly trying to scuttle away from his big, bad momma bird. After that, I'm curious if she's as virtuous as the app implies, and how that'll translate to a war story. She's got a level head, but doesn't seem great with words, so let's see her try to shepherd someone like Seamus if they get in.

Song (no, I'm not doing Shaggy here, I already made that joke): Bernadette Peters singing Sondheim's "Children Will Listen"

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Hunters:

Ashtad:

Enjoyed: It's Chidi Anaconda! The morals of carnivores in Redwall usually seems to get handwaved away with 'well, fish?', but let's be honest, there are a lot of vermin and not necessarily a lot of fish (unless there's a big aquaculture system out there). So a snake trying to use ethics to justify his actions is very intriguing to me. Is highway robbery really capital punishment-worthy?‌ Does the executioner have a moral imperative to individually confirm the findings of a court – and if he doesn't agree with them, the right to overrule them? Made stickier in this case because it's a kind of informal executioner, as he's not present for any possible trial. It'll be an interesting thread to explore with Pontious Python here if he gets in.  Also appreciated him pointing out how very different he works from mammals (you fast-burning warmbloods), and it's shown in his demeanor, too. Slow to anger.

Quibbles: Technically, the app was good (a couple small errors, like one paragraph not properly spaced). I worry that we got a lot more description of the mentality and perspective of the dormouse than Ashtad. Definitely a thing to be careful of if you get in: highlighting others more than yourself in your posts.

Looking ahead: It'll be interesting to have a large, academic cold-blooded animal in the top 10, I think. Will he try to reason with Suneater?‌ Debate the ethics of consumption with Novak? Eat Kiri, a literal highwaybeast? I'm intrigued as to how a snake will work in one of these, since I can't remember one ever getting in.

Song: Schonberg-Boublil, "Stars"

Kew-Kew:

Enjoyed: Let's be real, you nailed the captured the energy of a half-feral forest hermit perfectly. He's amoral, since it seems like he's largely raised himself. He's clearly off his rocker. His own dialogue and actions are frantic and snappy. He's written to be horrifying to the characters, but utterly fascinating to us. I love little touches like this 'The rugged beast appeared to be blushing, and wrapped his strong arms around her in what might have been a hug.' – goes to show that people are social creatures and appreciate that instinctively. It would've been easy to write Kew-Kew simply as a force of nature, but's he's not. He's still a person. Also! I appreciated that the descriptions of Kew-Kew and his actions were short and snappy compared to ones of Margaret, that were more eloquent. 'Margaret sat up swiftly, and did her best to back away from it's frightening countenance.' vs. 'He waited all of three seconds, his eyes wide in wonder, as if seeking the answer, before licking the mouse across the face.'

Quibbles:‌ A few writing mistakes 'The creature sat down besides her' & 'It's tail and arms were bare' & 'it's frightening countenance' for example. Also, I really wish you'd have just used his name in a dialogue tag. A dozen variations on 'the ugly beast before her' got old, fast.

Looking ahead:‌ I feel there are two possible routes. One, you can have Kew-Kew get 'civilized' again. Relearn how to work with other creatures. Maybe get the guidance of an Unga. And, no lie, but Smooths choosing the half-crazed Kew-Kew as his new 'mucker' would be hilarious. The other?‌ Stay nuts. Be a force of nature. We need an off-the-wall Rube Goldberg trap and a tornado of claws and screeches to take out a group of baddies?‌ We've got our wearat.

Song: Duran Duran, "Hungry Like the Wolf"

Old One:

Enjoyed:‌ I like how much the app itself reflects Old One as a character. No dialogue, since he seems the type that was ever the solitary hunter. A good way of saying that he has the beliefs common of a hunter-gatherer tribe without saying that outright. The actual fight/hunt action was similarly paced. Not frantic or frenzied like Kew-Kew, but measured and ritualistic. 'He did not know if the song worked for these new creatures as it did for the old, if their life would catch the tune and spread through the vast and endless skies' was a great line.

Quibbles:‌ The flip side of 'I like that it uses no dialogue to match the character' is 'can the author write dialogue'?‌ It was a bold choice, to be sure, but there generally has to be a lot of dialogue in a story like this. Not a fan of this line 'Here he prowled with menace, despite the unfamiliar terrain'. It, to me, has a different connotation than Old One has. He's hunting to hunt, because it's necessary.

Looking ahead:‌ I feel out of possibly all the apps, Old One has a few major hurdles to integrating well within the story. He comes across as deaf in the app : 'Old One liked to sing, though he could no longer hear the notes lilting through the air'. He's a loner. He sees all southern beasts as soft and weak. All of these lend themselves well to a one-off NPC or even possibly a grey-villain, but I worry about them in a group setting. If he does get in, I'd love to see him with one of the birds, honestly. Someone to be his eyes and ears in an unfamiliar land, and who might appreciate a stoic, quiet walking perch. A Jaskier to his Geralt, if you will.

Song: Darren Korb & Ashley Barrett, "Black Canvas (hummed)"