What's in an App?

[Airan]

Hello, hello. Airan here, and I have an important question for you. "Me?" you ask. Yes, you! Who else? "What is it?" you say. Well, it's really quite simple. "What's in an App?" To further clarify, what is it that makes a Redwall Survivor application good versus not so good?

With the start of Warpath's application phase imminent, no doubt the Redwall Survivor forums and Discord are going to soon be buzzing with activity as a whole host of prospective contestants, old and new, begin work writing to nab those coveted spots. With only six spots to take, the competition is going to be incredibly fierce- and in a community and metagame often dominated by Survivor Contest veterans, it's been my goal for a while now to try and thin the margin of skill, knowledge, and experience between brand new applicants and series vets so as to allow more new people the chance to meaningfully compete and show off their talents. In Mossflower Odyssey 5, I did this with a Newcomer Handicap, a first for Survivors, which allowed applicants who had never reached the Story Phase of a contest to be given preliminary feedback on their applications and then be allowed to resubmit them after fixing the original criticisms. I feel this experiment was fairly successful in helping a lot of new writers get constructive criticism on their characters, as well as helping them to avoid the more common pitfalls many fledgling applicants fall into. I REALLY wanted to do that again for this contest, but in a more hands-on way. Not just a detached page long critique, but to speak one on one with writers, try to help them through their ideas, and coach them in their writing and storytelling-- with the condition that I would stay as a true neutral and refrain from voting. But frankly----

--I just don't have time. I'm twenty-seven now- have a job, bills to pay. And I genuinely don't believe I would be able to make the time for all the potential writers who could apply in a way that would be meaningful and impactful. So- I have elected for something different.

Rather than do one on one coaching sessions with new writers to the Survivor scene, I thought a good alternative would be to instead do a sort of series of short seminars or essays that will analyze applications that I have personally received over my time as a contest coordinator. Specifically, I want to focus on applications that never saw the light of day, the ones that failed to make the Top 30, and focus on particular weaknesses within them that led to them having a lower score in the judging than their competition- but that isn't to say I might not occasionally talk the ones that were successful as well. Typically, these lessons will be with a theme in mind so that it is less of a simple critique of a past application, and more a hyper focus into one specific part of it- an important aspect that we should all focus on in our own writing. Examples of this might be mood and tone, dialogue, subverting reader expectations, or passive vs active characterization. And it's my want that I can use these lessons as an end all be all guide for new writers to the Survivor scene to be able to fully answer the question-

"What's in an App?"

Now- if you're a new writer to this forum, you might actually be pondering the answer to a different question first. That being "yo, why should we listen to you? What makes you the app expert, dude?" And the answer to that is fairly simple. I'm not. I'm one guy who has his one opinion. But, there is something I have that newcomers don't, and that's experience. I have been involved with Redwall Survivor since 2009, and in between then and now, I have applied to numerous Survivor Contests and participated as a contestant in four of them. I was a finalist in Redwall: Revolutions, and the official winner of Redventure 6: Harbinger. I have adminned two contests (one unfortunately had to be cancelled)- and judged a myriad of different applications from different authors. I've seen so many different characters, so many different voices, and so many ideas, that I have a firm grasp on what I think works, and what I think doesn't. To reiterate though, I am one opinion however. And I'm not always correct. There are some apps I've judged that I regret scoring so highly or even lowly- but I'm not above changing my perspective. And that's the big keyword here. This is ultimately about perspective. It's about analyzing our writing and trying to learn from it. I want to share with you my thoughts I've had judging applications in the past, and explain precisely why I didn't choose your application. Because by sharing this information, I think it will make future applications even stronger, and the competition even fiercer. And the fiercer the competition, the more we push ourselves to learn and the better we get.

So, here's the basic rules for how this will go down

--The pool of applications I will be talking about will be specifically from ones I have personally judged. This means that I will exclusively take applications from MO3 and MO5- as well as any contests I potentially judge in the future. The only exceptions to this rule are for applications that I have personally WRITTEN that didn't make the cut, and that I feel would be useful teaching material.

--NO Application is beyond my scrutiny. Basically, if I think there's a lesson to be learned from an application you submitted to a contest in the past, I can and will talk about it. If you desperately do not want me to publicly talk about your application, please PM me, and I will exempt it from discussion.

--Lessons will focus typically on one application- though occasionally I may do a sort of 'vs.' format where I talk about an application that has a similar concept to another one (by different writers), and talk about what works for one that doesn't work for another.

--These will not be tear downs on 'bad' applications, where I make a mockery of applications that didn't make the cut, and if anyone comes into this thread and does anything like that, they will not be in this thread anymore. These are lessons taken from apps that I think are suitable to have lessons taught from. Some are by writers who are less experienced, some are by contest veterans. I'm not here to laugh at your application. I'm here to help you get better by explaining where you failed the first time.

--Every application I review will have the application readable alongside it. This is of course so that anyone can read the application and be able to know what I'm talking about. Some of these applications might not have ever seen the light of day.

--Some applications may be pulled from the Top 30 if I find them to be useful. This will be more common with MO3 applications, which had a much smaller application pool in general. (Seriously, if you applied to MO3 you basically got into the Top 30.)

--Not every review will be a negative critique. Some will be inherently positive and talk about something that's working incredibly well. This will be more common with applications that I pull from the Top 30 pool.

--Please do not ask me to review your previous applications. I'm going to try and keep these lessons fairly organized and with clear intent, and if people are asking me to think of a lesson to teach from their app, or coming with suggestions for what lessons to teach- well, it seems clear you already know what didn't work with it.

--Lastly, I'm a busy guy. I understand that people might be super excited to read some of these critiques, but please understand that life happens and I can only get them out as fast as I'm able to. Don't worry, I'm going to try and get out a lot of them during the Warpath application phase.


And that's really all there is to it. As Warpath's application phase begins on the 15th, tomorrow I am going to start this thread off with a basic 'dos and dont's' of application writing. This will be just general advice and tips to start all newcomers off with. From there, it'll be the lessons and critiques of previous apps. I hope you all enjoy my perspective and advice, and I hope it aids you all in your writing- whether it be in this contest or a future one. Best of luck to everyone, and happy writing.

[Airan]

Okay, we're back, and it's time to get this ball rolling. But, before we can begin to answer 'What's in an App?' I think an important question to solve is one that might be on the minds of many contest newcomers reading this thread.

What is a Contest Application anyway?

So, in all the excitement to enter this contest, it's very easy to get lost in all the different forum threads and get absolutely overwhelmed with information overload. Sometimes you don't quite understand even what an Application is. So let's get that answer out of the way.

A Survivor Contest Application is essentially you pitching the idea for a character of your own creation being included as an official main character within the storyline of a Survivor Contest. This is not done in a way you might do for a roleplay forum where you create a character sheet that simply lists the important information in a handy reference or resource. No. We are not a roleplay forum. Redwall Survivor is a forum dedicated to showcasing, critiquing, and improving writing craft through competition and collaboration. And to truly pitch a character for a competition like this, it means you must first write them.

To put it simply, a Survivor Application is a short scene that you will write utilizing your writing and storytelling skills to showcase the character you've created. You will SHOW us with your storytelling who this character is, what they do, why they do it, how they do it, and any other information you think is necessary for your reader to know. This scene can literally be anything. It can be an incredibly important moment in your characters' life, or it can just be another Tuesday. Your goal is to simply push yourself to be the best writer you can possibly be here and craft a scene that perfectly highlights your character's- well- character. You want your reader to be invested in them, to be interested in the story you have for them, and to hook them in and have them want to know more. If you are successful, then you are much more likely to be considered and win the votes to be included as a contestant. It's really that simple........

......or is it?
Writing is an art form, so there's no true objective correct way to write an application. However- in my experience, there are a handful of common pitfalls that I see newcomers walk into that tends to hurt their characters or writing and make them not as appealing. As a result, I wanted to make a much better reference guide for the 'Dos and Dont's' of Application Writing. While none of these will be objective rules and you might not be able to put in literally all of these, these are all tips that I think are handy to think about and consider while you are creating your character and writing your application. Let's get right into it-

The Dos and Don'ts of Application Writing

Don't...    Write with disregard.
     Do...     Write with consideration to the story.

This is a fancy way of saying to read the prologue and supplementary material that the contest admin provides. Familiarize yourself with the setting and tone that is being established so that you aren't writing something that is immediately and inherently confusing your reader on what's already been established. For instance- In Vin's contest, Survivor: Warpath- the description for the Knight of the Claw category reads-

Highly skilled warriors feared across the Whitelands, the Knights of the Claw are handpicked by Kastor from the ranks of the army to serve in his elite guard. To become a Knight of the Claw, a beast must prove themself worthy of the mantle, and many have died trying. Though few have ever spoken to their king, they serve him with ardent and unshakeable loyalty. To them, he is a god. Where Kastor goes, the Knights follow, ready to lay down their lives for their sacred leader.

If you were to write a character who was utterly incompetent and just an absolutely horrible fighter and soldier, then it would go almost completely against the first two sentences of that description. You would need to come up with a story reason or ulterior motive as to why Kastor picked this person to serve in the knights because otherwise, the suspension of disbelief is immediately shattered. It makes the reader question the believability of your character, which is never a good thing. This isn't to say breaking certain descriptions and preconceived ideas are inherently wrong, however. Writing your character to be non-religious and having them NOT believe Kastor is a god, would actually BE considering the story. It's taking the established ideas and twisting them rather than simply ignoring them.


Don't...    Give your character an unpronouncable name.
     Do...     Give your character an iconic name.

Names hold an immense amount of power. The family ties of a character can be revealed with a simple surname. Titles can be given to them to show the ranks or roles they bear in the world. And they can hold meaning relevant to their stories. The name your character bears is their defining label for all time, and likely, will be the very first thing a reader sees of them.

Names are important and they should be iconic. That being said, it is very easy to get roped into the trap of trying to be so unique and interesting, that you end up coming up with something that is difficult to pronounce or raises eyebrows with its weirdness. A few examples of this we've gotten over the years are as follows- "Sret Sreltsykradt", "The Promise of Rain", "Tier Jurker." - All of these names give me immediate pause, either by being hard to spell/pronounce without a good look at it, being a very high concept title, or being a name that I don't think a parent would ever give their child- though I suppose Kanye did name his kid North...

Keep it simple- but not so simple that your character is just George or Susan. You want the name to be recognizable and to fit the idea of your character. For instance, a name like 'Ilka' has this sharpness to it that really lends well to a more sinister or violent character. Keep in mind who they are or if they have family or history. You might want to give them a title, or a surname, or even a nickname. Just do your fellow writers a favor and make it easy to spell :P


Don't...    Give your character scars because it makes them look cool.
     Do...     Give your character scars because it reveals more about them.

It should hopefully be obvious here that I'm not necessarily saying 'give your characters scars', but rather that I believe you should give some thought into 'why' your character looks the way they do. Like with names, the way a character looks and presents themselves is a vehicle for characterization. A shy, insecure character might wear clothing that's baggy and covers their body, while someone who is more outgoing could wear something a lot more decorated and loose. Think about it from your own perspective. When you're first opening your closet and getting ready for the day- what makes you pick out the clothes you do? What made you buy them to begin with? And what does it say about you as a person? Let's say we're writing a powerful character who is proud of how strong they are. Well, it wouldn't make sense to have them wear a cloak that covers their whole body, would it? No, they'd likely wear something that proudly displays those amazing biceps of theirs.

Props are of a similar category. The items your character might have- whether that be trinkets, weapons, tools, etc are more than just props. A useful thing I was taught in art school about drawing and designing characters, was that a character should never have 'A' cell phone. They should have 'Their' cell phone. So, think about it the same way. Your warrior character has a sword, but what about the sword makes it theirs?

Lastly, there's more to appearance than what your character looks like. It's also how they carry themselves. When you're writing, consider the verbs you use for their actions, even the simplest of things like walking to the other end of a room. You can easily say- "She walked across the room," - and, sure, that does get the point across, but it's missing a critical chance to give your reader that crystal clear picture of who your character is.  With a different verb- let's use 'glided' for this example- "She glided across the room." You start to have a better idea of just how this character behaves. Sprinkle in some adverbs and figurative language and you make it even more clear. "She glided elegantly across the room like a silent ghost." The picture becomes even clearer and the character is characterized by even a simple action.

In summary- an outfit is never just an outfit. A scar is never just a scar. Props are not props. And we never just do things, we do things how WE would do them. Everything is a vehicle for potential characterization. Think about it and consider it. It can only make your characters stronger.


Don't...    Write completely blind.
     Do...     Write with a plan.

Survivor is a collaborative venture- meaning the story will not be single-handedly yours to control. You will never know fully who you will be writing with and competing against once you apply, nor will you know the types of characters that might be paired with yours if you are voted in as a contestant. As a result, there is a level of improv skill required to adapt to such an unpredictable atmosphere, and often you might have to make things up as you go along to get through a round or two.

That being said- try to go in with a basic idea or plan for what you want to do with your character. When writing your application, remember that, if they are accepted, you may potentially have to write as them for up to eight weeks. To keep your character interesting, you'll want them to change or grow over time. Going in with a few basic ideas of "I want my character to do this at some point" can really help to streamline your thinking and prevent you from drowning when you can't quite picture what you might do that round- or it'll give you something to build towards and even possibly foreshadow in your writing. It also allows you to communicate with your fellow contestants. If they know you want to do something- they might be willing to help you achieve it, or even be interested in having their characters take part within it.

A good idea would be to always think with your character- "If they were to survive the whole contest, what might happen to them?" Considerations like that will help you to develop their story and arc and will help prevent writer's block from taking root where it's most critical.


Don't...    Write a perfect character.
     Do...     Write a flawed character.

If you've heard the term Mary-Sue, then this is what I'm referring to here. If you haven't- a Mary Sue typically refers to a character who is- relevant to the plot, grossly overcompetent at whatever they do, good looking, and everyone in the story- except perhaps the villains- adores them and talks about how great they are. The last part is typically the most defining feature: they are designed to be loved- even in some cases when they don't necessarily deserve it.

https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/MarySue

Here's the thing- it is not wrong to make your character good at what they do. Heck- The Knights of the Claw category that I mentioned above literally calls for your character to be an exceptional fighter. What's wrong is when your character is an exceptional fighter, a perfect paragon of a person who does no wrong, and who everyone admires and respects. Frankly, it's just boring. It's much more interesting to read about people who are flawed and overcome those flaws to be better, than to read about people who are already perfect and content.

Lastly, it's important to note that a 'character flaw' is not 'they can fight, but they can't sing.' It's a flaw that directly impacts them and causes conflict- whether with others or within themselves. A warrior who is naturally apprehensive might be criticized by his comrades for hesitating- as that hesitation could cost them their lives one day. And- to add to that premise- perhaps that apprehension is somewhat justified, as he doesn't know if this battle is morally right. Now your character has inner struggles that cause conflict, and has to make a choice- which brings me to my next topic.

Don't...    Make your character passive within their story.
     Do...     Make your character an active force that affects and changes their story.

Have your character make choices that affect the direction of the story. The most interesting characters are the ones that are active in their roles, whose choices and ideals define the direction the story goes. A reactive character is one who is on the sidelines being pulled by the story without ever truly impacting it. They might be there when the big conflicts are happening, but they're not the cause of them, their actions and choices aren't what resolves them. They are merely there to react to big events as they unfold, rather than be part of them.

Don't...    Have your character suddenly start existing.
     Do...     Give them a rich history.

This sounds like I'm trying to say 'give your character a backstory' but that isn't necessarily the case. Rather, write your character in a way where it feels like they existed before the events of the application. A lot of applications feel like they have this problem. The character just suddenly started existing at this very moment and only exists within this vacuum. No. Try to give your character something that grounds them to the world itself, a way they've impacted it, a 'history.' How do people perceive them? Do they have a reputation? What makes them belong to this world rather than be a creation for this world?


Don't...    Tell your reader who your character is.
     Do...     Show your reader.

The most basic writing advice is show, don't tell.

You're writing a murderous psychopath. Do not write "John was a murderous psychopath. He loved to kill people. Nothing made him happier." This is boring writing and not engaging the senses like I mentioned above. As I said at the beginning, I want you to show who your character is through their words, actions, appearance, and storytelling. John is a murderous psychopath, huh? Well, how do we portray that? How about something like- "Hot, fresh blood sputtered onto John's face as he redoubled his grip on his steely knife, yanking it up and letting it fall over and over again with a sickening squelch. With each new wound, with each new splash of color, John's grin curled wider and wider until a broad smile covered his face, and a sparkle came to his eye."

I ask now- which one is more interesting to read? The one that tells you John is a psycho, or the one that shows you just how much of one he is?

Don't...    Ignore the five senses.
     Do...     Engage all five senses.

Sight, sound, smell, touch, taste. These are the five senses that allow us to perceive the world and relate and make connections to it. A very common problem I see in many new writers' works especially, is that when they write descriptions- whether it be for the setting or their character's actions- it's that they focus very heavily on what everything looks like- but forget the other senses. Let's switch gears for a second and talk about television. Television has a natural advantage over reading because it is a visual and auditory medium- meaning it engages the viewer using sight and sound. When two people watch the same program, they are watching the same show and they are hearing the same music and dialogue. However, television cannot portray smell. So, when the TV show has their two characters somehow stumble into a rotten garbage dump- it relies on sight to fill in the gaps in the brain to create that sense. It shows the flies buzzing around the garbage, the rotten eggs, the spoiled milk cartons- sometimes you can literally see the stench rising from the trash. And when this happens, the two people watching this show will not be imagining the exact same smell.

Reading has the disadvantage in that it engages none of the senses by default. It is exclusively about imagination and creating these senses in our head. No one will create the same pictures- BUT- by being more descriptive, and by remembering all the senses- you can make those pictures closer together and engage your readers' minds even further.

I want you to look back above at the passage I wrote in the Show Don't Tell argument and take note of how many different senses are described in those two short sentences.

Hot, fresh blood-
      -touch and sight- the temperature, the age of the blood.
sputtered onto John's face as he redoubled his grip on his steely knife
      -sight then touch- the movement of the blood. John's action and the texture of the knife.
Yanking it up and letting it fall-
      -sight. strong verbs help indicate the weight of the knife and how large it may be.
over and over again with a sickening squelch.
      -sound.
With each new wound, with each new splash of color, John's grin curled wider and wider until a broad smile covered his face, and a sparkle came to his eye-
      -sight.

While sight will no doubt be the most common sense you use, engaging the other senses as well will help to engage your reader further, or help set the tone of a scene.

Don't...    Be hasty with submitting your application.
     Do...     Take the time to reread and make edits where necessary.

A very short and simple one. It can be very easy to assume that your first draft is your final draft for your application. Don't do this. Before you officially submit your application, reread it. Correct the grammar mistakes you see, the accidental misspelled words, and typos. Be sure that if you want words to be italicized that you've accounted for the forum tags that format your words to be that way. I can't tell you how many applications I have had to take points from because it was clear the author didn't take the time to check for typos. Professionalism is important. When you've done this, and you're happy with it-

Reread it again. This time, read it aloud. You'll notice clunky dialogue that isn't quite there or descriptions that are too long-winded and leave you gasping for breath. The application phase of a contest is almost always roughly a month long, so you have plenty of time to do this as much as you need to. Once you've revised these problems your application may have, once it's free of typos, once you've solved those misplaced commas and run-on sentences-

Then hit submit.

And lastly-

Don't...    Don't be afraid of rejection.
     Do...     Have fun and be confident that you can learn something from it.

You won't always succeed, even following all of these tips. Sometimes you write a character that just doesn't jive with people. That's no problem. Sometimes you make a critical mistake that ends up hurting your application. It happens. What's important is that when you hit submit, you're not afraid of possibly losing. This is a learning experience and success can only be achieved through practice and effort. If you don't make the cut, try to learn why and then take that criticism to heart. Learn from it and come back stronger and better.

You can only improve.

And that's really all there is to it. If you're new to the forum and to Survivor, I hope these tips are helpful in creating your applications, or with your writing in general. I wish you all the best of luck in your endeavors and look forward to reading what you put out.

If you'd like a list of applications that were successful in the past- here is Mossflower Odyssey V's top 30 that you can use as reference.- http://redwallsurvivor.com/forums/index.php?board=177.0

From this point on, this thread will be dedicated to my 'What's in an App?' series which I hope everyone will join me for. I'm hoping to get started on it real soon. Here's to then.

[Airan]

Alright, it's been close to two weeks, and I'm ready to get right into this. As a brief reminder for how this series will work- "What's in an App" will focus on various applications that I have personally judged over the past few contests, focusing on the larger mistakes that the apps made that hurt their chances of being accepted and explaining how we might improve them. If you have any additional thoughts about these apps or my critiques, then feel free to join in on the discussion and drop a few comments.

I'd also like to take the quick opportunity to say that I've amended the Do's and Don'ts list slightly by adding another example that I thought of over this short break.

For now, though- let's get right into the first lesson of this series-

What's in an App?
Shatter : Mood

In our first lesson of this series, today we're going to discuss mood. For those just beginning to write creatively, mood is a simple concept on paper- referring to the emotional response that your use of words and language give your reader. It is the feeling of tension at each page turn in a good piece of horror, the triumph as the hero saves the day, or that warm and fuzzy feeling that comes over you when reading a wholesome romantic tale. Well written mood can elevate the atmosphere of your writing and draw your readers in- while inconsistent tonal shifts or poor wording can push them away or give them the wrong picture. Simply put, mood is important because it is what you want your readers to feel and thus, can make or break a piece of writing.

For this lesson, we're going to look at Shatter, a Marksman application I received during Mossflower Odyssey 5, and analyze the mood the writer creates during their scene. We will try to find what works to help the mood they're attempting to establish and what doesn't, and how we might make some simple changes to general language in order to keep the mood consistent and engaging. I highly recommend you read his application in the spoiler tag directly below so that you have a reference to everything I'm about to discuss- Let's begin-

Shatter Application-

[spoiler]
Name: Shatter
Category: Marksman
Species: Hare
Gender: Male
Age: 30

Shatter drew his paw slowly along his father's bow. He couldn't truly think of it as his until he had avenged his father's death with it. Lines of golden script swirled down the shaft, engraved by his grandfather. It was unreadable after being worn down by years of constant use, but it still glowed beautifully in the firelight.

He set the bow against a tree so he could pull out a glass bottle of amber liquid.  His master. He had tried many times to break free but it always snuck back into his pocket somehow. The liquid swished temptingly but he satisfied himself with a sip, knowing he would need his mind as clear as possible for the task at hand.

He quickly tucked the bottle away when a twig cracked nearby.

"Ish that you, Aero? Jolly bad form shneaking up on a fella, wot." The hare's drunken slur had become a permanent part of his vocabulary after years of slavery to the drink.

The squirrel melted out of the dark mist. "I would think someone with your reputation would be more alert to his surroundings."

Shatter barely moved. It was just the slightest flick of his wrist and a dagger buried itself in a tree directly between Aero's ears. He almost winced but stopped himself just in time. One sip too many had caused his aim to be off. He had hit the tree an inch higher then he had meant to, just grazing fur.

Aero didn't waste a second. He yanked the dagger out of the tree and hurled it back at Shatter, who reached up to catch it. He missed and his ear paid the price. The dagger had neatly severed the very tip of it.

"What's happened to you, Shatter? I taught you better than this. Have you been back to the drink?"

Shatter glared at Aero, "Don't pretend ta care about me. Ya shtuck around jusht long enough ta find out where my uncle wash holed up, then ya shot my jolly old Pop in the back." Noting the startled look on Aero's face, he continued, "Thash right. I shaw ya do it when ya thought no one wash there."

Aero began to reach in his tunic, but Shatter was faster and this time his aim held true. A dagger seemed to appear out of thin air finding its mark in Aero's chest. Aero fell back against a tree and slid to the ground.

"I would do it again if I had the chance," Aero gasped, "But I'm warning you kid, even with your dad's directions I couldn't find your uncle. Who knows if he is even still alive?"

Shatter picked up his father's bow and notched an arrow in place.

"Thish ish for you, pop!" He let the arrow go. It landed with a satisfying "Thunk!" 

Aero took a last shuddering breath and lay still.

Shatter ripped the bloodied arrow out of the body, leaving the dagger. "I found ya and I'll bally well find him, too."

He looked at the engraved bow before slinging it over his back and putting out his fire.  It was his bow now. It held a secret worth killing for, but with the words worn away, there was only one way left to discover what it was. He had to find the twin bow given to his uncle by his grandfather. The coward had probably never even shot it.

Shatter wasn't going to waste any time. He walked in no particular direction knowing his uncle was out there somewhere and he couldn't hide forever.
[/spoiler]

Okay- let's summarize. What do we know about Shatter?

Shatter is a hare in his 30s whose father was killed by Aero- a squirrel seeking a mysterious treasure that can only be found by combining the script on the shafts of two different bows- one of which Shatter currently possesses. He is aptly named. He is a broken man who is a drunkard and wants revenge on the squirrel for this murder- as well as his cowardly uncle who is missing and has the other bow. Despite possessing his deceased father's bow- he cannot think of it as his until he kills Aero.

And to put that into a single conceptual sentence- Shatter is a drunk, revenge-seeking hare who wants to find a long-lost treasure- but needs to find his cowardly uncle first.

When describing him like this- I would argue that I think Shatter is actually a pretty fine character, one who possesses what I believe are many of the necessary qualifications for a character to have in any good piece of writing. He has a distinct personality- he's an emotional drunk. He has character flaws that genuinely get in the way- his drunkenness causes him to miss killing Aero on one occasion, and he is genuinely directionless, in that the app literally ends with him wandering 'in no particular direction.' He has a well-established 'history'- trained by Aero, dead father, now looking for the other bow and this mysterious treasure. A hook for his story- 'what is this treasure that so many people have died protecting or seeking?' and lastly [u[a want[/u]- 'to find the treasure and get revenge'- and a need- 'to get closure.'

So, what kept Shatter out of the Top 30? Well, as the intro suggested, most of Shatter's flaws come from the execution of these concepts- with the primary example being the mood of the piece.

Specifically, there is one core problem I want to focus on. Let's take a look.

He set the bow against a tree so he could pull out a glass bottle of amber liquid.  His master. He had tried many times to break free but it always snuck back into his pocket somehow. The liquid swished temptingly but he satisfied himself with a sip, knowing he would need his mind as clear as possible for the task at hand.

He quickly tucked the bottle away when a twig cracked nearby.

Okay- so what do we have here? In this brief passage, the author is beginning to build the mood of the scene. It is a quiet moment of brief reflection followed by a growing tension. Shatter is preparing for something- we don't know what yet- but it's something that will require a greater awareness. He cannot afford to be tempted by his drink. Perhaps he's meeting someone. Perhaps he's about to do something dangerous. However, before Shatter can act - the tension escalates further when a stranger appears.

So far so good. The general mystery of what Shatter is going to do and who is approaching him carry the weight of this scene. It holds intrigue and builds suspense for the reader.

So, what's the problem?

"Ish that you, Aero? Jolly bad form shneaking up on a fella, wot." The hare's drunken slur had become a permanent part of his vocabulary after years of slavery to the drink.

In my opinion, the biggest problem with Shatter's application is with the dialogue. Let me explain.

Everything before this point in the application, Shatter has been framed as a very serious character. He is a stoic preparing for something important, overcome by a crippling addiction due to the trauma of his father's death and the struggle of being undeserving- the bow cannot become his until he gets revenge. However, Shatter's permanent drunken slur is written in a way that invokes a completely different image- at least in my own mind. It feels nonserious and sounds almost comical when you read it aloud. It turns Shatter from a tragic figure suffering from addiction into what can best be described as a caricature of a drunkard- you know, the kind you might see in an old Looney Tunes cartoon with a keg with three Xs on it, who hiccups after groggy line. Images of these characters typically invoke humor- but Shatter is not meant to be funny. The intent seems that he's meant to be seen as tragic. As a result, you have a character who is breaking the mood that's being established every time he opens his mouth.

Now, I'm not trying to say 'Drunk bad' or that Shatter's author shouldn't have written him as a drunkard or without his drunken slur. No, far from it. Rather, it's the image that's being created by the chosen language that's the conflict. To be more precise, the 'SH' syllable in some of the words creates a sound that feels overexaggerated and not quite what I'd think a real drunk person to sound like- but rather what someone thinks a drunk person sounds like. (Though I'm certain there are indeed drunk people who DO sound like this. There's a reason the trope exists after all.) In any case, I believe there is a way to write Shatter's drunken dialogue to make it not so jarring to the mood and also help his character consistency- but I will get to that in moment.

For now- this specific line of dialogue is not so jarring. The line is acting as a de-escalation of the tension regardless, so this is more of a dip than a dive. The mystery person who has snuck up on Shatter has the hare react to him with an almost nonchalant greeting. Shatter does not perceive him as a danger, so neither does the reader and thus- the tension is lowered.

However- where this slurred speech really breaks the scene is when Shatter is no longer being nonchalant but is being serious.

Aero didn't waste a second. He yanked the dagger out of the tree and hurled it back at Shatter, who reached up to catch it. He missed and his ear paid the price. The dagger had neatly severed the very tip of it.

"What's happened to you, Shatter? I taught you better than this. Have you been back to the drink?"

Shatter glared at Aero, "Don't pretend ta care about me. Ya shtuck around jusht long enough ta find out where my uncle wash holed up, then ya shot my jolly old Pop in the back." Noting the startled look on Aero's face, he continued, "Thash right. I shaw ya do it when ya thought no one wash there."

Shatter picked up his father's bow and notched an arrow in place.

"Thish ish for you, pop!" He let the arrow go. It landed with a satisfying "Thunk!"

In both of these instances, I feel Shatter's hammy drunken dialogue takes away from the scene by removing the real 'bite' of what he's actually saying. There's no sting to keep it consistent when juxtaposed with the actual words he's saying or the actions taking place- thus the mood of Shatter's application is being constantly put into a state of elevating and broken tension. The scene is building to this big, dramatic moment where we learn just why Shatter wants to kill Aero and him finally getting his revenge- but these moments that should be hitting with the emotional weight of an anchor end up not having as solid of a payoff because- well, Shatter doesn't sound like a serious character.

Now there are ways to fix this- the first is the most obvious, and that's simply to tone down the slur and to remove the 'permanent part of his vocabulary' line. (General opinion, I think drunken characters tend to be more interesting when they're not drunk.) But, while this is easy and would definitely better sell the emotions of Shatter's dialogue- I feel it would remove an aspect of his character that I particularly like. He's not just angry. He's broken and emotional. So, I'm going to propose a different way of addressing this issue.

I'm going to make his drunkenness even more emphasized- but in a different way. My goal here is to add to the emotion and to make him seem more angry, more broken, and more real.

"Iss'at you, Aero? Jolly bad form... sneakin' u'pon a fella, wot." The hare spoke with the tongue of a beast forever enslaved by the drink and with a fury to match.

Here I've removed the SH sounds from the slurred words, choosing to enunciate his drunkenness instead with conjoined words and brief pauses in the dialogue to give the appearance that he's really trying not to stumble over them. I've also added to the initial good use of language provided by the author and specifically emphasized not just the way he's speaking, but 'how' he's speaking to Aero. This adds to the mood by immediately making it clear what Shatter's feelings are of Aero- i.e. he's not fond of him- and as a result the atmosphere is still a bit uncomfortable despite Shatter's greeting.

When you read this line aloud in contrast to the original, I find that it reads a lot less comically- and I truly attribute that to the removal of the 'SH' sound.

Eyes shot like blood from both drink and tears, Shatter glared at Aero. "Don't'cha dare per-tend ta start carin' 'bout me, ye'r- ye'r bloody rat! Ya stuck 'round jest long eh-nough ta fin' out where my uncle was holed up, then'ya  shot my jolly old Pop in the back!" Noting the startled look on Aero's face, he reared back his head and spat at the squrrel's feet. "AYE! Tha's right! I saw'ya do it when'ya- when'ya thought no one was there.

This one is a much bigger change obviously. Here I chose to completely overemphasize the drunkenness because Shatter is absolutely furious and I wanted his dialogue to reflect someone who can't hold in his emotions. This isn't perfect but a lot of what I'm going for in this dialogue is trying to use small breaks, emphasis, repetition, and stronger language and punctuation, to better control the flow of the dialogue as well as to further emphasize A.) Shatter is drunk. B.) He's overcome by rage and grief. When read aloud, I could see people stumbling a bit over this in their reading- but I actually don't mind that. Shatter being drunk would make that almost a good thing in my mind because it would almost be justified. Shatter is drunk and would stumble over his words, so the reader having to perhaps pause or slow down when reading it aids in giving that feeling. So long as it's still readable- could a little bit of stumbling even be a criticism here?

I want to briefly talk on emotion too. A lot of new writers struggle to really add emotional weight to their dialogue. And there are two pieces of advice I can give to help that. One- read it aloud the way you have written it. For instance, don't shout dialogue that doesn't have an exclamation point. Two- use punctuation and emphasis to make it more real. If you're reading dialogue- and like Shatter above- your character is yelling and trying to make a point. Write it that way. Add exclamation points. Use capitalization for emphasis on words. Use hypens for when they stumble on a word. All of this can make your dialogue feel a lot less like a script, and a lot more like people who are talking and thinking their words as they say them.

"I-I'd do it again if I... 'ad the chance," Aero gasped through a mouthful of blood, "But...even with yerr dad's directions... I couldn't find yerr uncle. Who knows if he... ain't dead too?"

Shatter picked up his father's bow and notched an arrow in place.

"I found ya and I'll bally well find him, too." He let the arrow go and the bow became his.

Lastly- Aero's original dialogue reads a little too clear and formal for a beast who had just been stabbed. This is one of those instances where playing with the writing and going a bit extra with the stuttering and ellipses can better sell the impression that he's dying and give the scene more weight.

Afterwards, I changed the 'this is for you, pop' to a line that Shatter says shortly after this. I like this line for this moment better because it speaks more for Shatter's character. We already know he's killing Aero for revenge, so him repeating 'I'm doing this for revenge' isn't necessary. Instead- his last words to Aero are that of a promise- one not just for Aero- but for the reader too.

And finally- I also added a line about the 'bow becoming his.' I think it carries quite a bit of emotional weight and serves as a better source of finality in this instance than an onomatopoeia ever could.

In any case, these changes seem like they're fairly big, but really, they're not. What Shatter is saying is no real different than the original, it's just the way he says it that's changed. And with these changes I do feel that the writing becomes more tonally consistent. No more does Shatter sound comedic, rather, he sounds pathetic and broken- and that brokenness is leading him down an even darker path- one that contrasts that bright golden script on his father's bow.

In conclusion, Shatter is a character that I think had a good bit of potential but mostly lost out on points due to issues in his storytelling. He is a perfect example that it's not always about what is being said that matters, but rather how it's being said and how it sounds- and this does not only pertain to dialogue. Mood is about perception. It's about emotion. It is about 'feeling.'

Close your eyes and imagine the world your characters exist in. Then allow yourself to exist within that same world. Feel what they feel. And then, when you have the words, make your reader feel it too.

In any case, I hope this was helpful to you all and I hope you may have learned something or even just gotten some insight into my own mind when it comes to reading and judging. Feel free to discuss this topic in this thread for a little bit if you'd like or have any other insights or questions you may have. I'm still figuring out which application I want to look at for the next lesson- but I do know which one I want to do for the third. Until next time. Happy writing.