Blood, Gore, Cuteness

[Zevka]

Hey!  I'm Zevka, aka Nallmian.  I've written in a few of these, to include Nallmian in Midnight Mossflower, Venril in one of the QB contests, Zevka Blackbriar in MO1, and Zach Zivetsa in MO2.  I also hosted MO4.  I knew I wouldn't have time to be a contestant this go around, but I wanted to go ahead and follow the story and review characters and posts.

My single biggest criteria is suspense, by which I mean your ability to make me curious about the character and want to know what happens next.  Get that right, and you're more than halfway there with me.  I also love worldbuilding, banter, character friendships, and fight scenes.  I mostly read and write nonfiction, so I tend to favor clear, straightforward prose over fanciful.  I'm a terrible proofreader, and often don't notice or don't care about minor SPAG errors.


The Ring

Siroc
The Good: What I love about this is how world weary Siroc is.  A lot of slave rebel characters - in canon and contests - don't really show any signs of trauma, or of the cost of hard choices and compromises they doubtless had to make in order to get their freedom.  Siroc is very different in that regard.  She's seen and lived through it all before, and you can tell she really did want to leave it all behind.

Her relatively bedraggled appearance and the reminiscence about home brewing with Preet help give a sense of backstory, and her suppressed guilt over the fire — and presumably other things — gives you a lot to work with.

Preet is a great NPC — I can picture the plover vividly — who acts as perfect mechanism to drag Siroc back in.


The Bad: Even with the vague commentary about sympathizers and cells, I don't understand why Siroc and Preet burned the Zephyrites'...monastery? Temple? Whatever you want to call it.  Was this a cult of some kind?  I had the impression at the beginning that Siroc did believe, or was at least trying to, in their religion.  Was everybeast in a locked cell but her?


If You Get In: You've got a great start here, and I think Siroc would be a great emotional rock and/or den mother type to the party.  I do think you need to, at some point, clearly revisit her time with the Zephyrites — how she got there and why, why she burned it all down, etc.

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Ninthclaw Teshan
The Good: Ninthclaw is a beast out of place — a northerner transplanted into a foreign land who had to learn a new language in captivity while contending with an environment his body is very much not evolved to deal with.  You can tell how homesick he is, and how depressed over the very low likelihood he will ever find his way back there.  His descriptions are really vivid, especially since he's not speaking his native language and is talking to somebeast with no frame of reference.

What's interesting about Teshan is that he doesn't seem to actually like being a Ring member all that much.  It sounds like he joined more out of a combination of revenge and obligation than out of genuine conviction or any particular camaraderie with the others.  He complains openly about decisions, he mocks the basic idea of the Ring as a surrogate family, etc.

The fact that the Gila burned the slaves pen is horrifying, and a great twist.


The Bad: This isn't so much a weakness in writing as a potential liability in the future: Teshan is clearly a loner at heart, and a pretty grouch waterwoozle.  This is fine, as long as it is not taken to the point where he's pushing everybeast else away.  He needs to thaw enough to bond with at least some of the other characters.


If You Get In: In addition to the note above about needing to let some of the other characters past all that emotional armor, I would definitely suggest expounding on the Ring as a collective group.  How they're structured, the internal dynamics, whether other beasts share Teshan's complaints about the iguanas, etc.

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Locke
The Good: It's clear you had a lot of fun writing this app.  There's such a great contrast between Locke's cloud cuckoolander rambling and the emotional whiplash of him deciding to cut off part of the raccoon's tail.  The app makes very clear that Locke — for all his outward silliness — is still a hardened warrior who has been fighting his whole life, and has survived for a reason.

Ari is a great foil for Locke, and serves as a good audience surrogate.  Her shock at Locke's decision implies that this was a major deviation from his routine of scaring offenders but then going fairly easy on them.  Locke seems like he might be in the midst of changing.


The Bad:  Unlike the other two apps, I feel like this is from Ari's perspective much more than Locke's.  I'm all for third person omniscient, but in this case, we know more about what Ari is thinking and feeling, even though Locke is the character.  Ari is clearly a little disappointed that Locke the Living Legend is clearly not what she had in mind beforehand, and we get lots of insight into her — but not as much into Locke's own thoughts and feelings.


If You Get In:  Spend more time in Locke's head.  Also, try to avoid anachronisms like "cool" — they feel out of place.

———-

Dilla
The Good: The hostage scenario you drop us into is immediately interesting and attention-grabbing, and you manage to make the lizards pretty menacing.  The conversation between the three armadillos makes clear — like Teshan's app — that not everybeast is as devoted to Kango and the Ring as the initial category description implies.

I also appreciate that Dilla is self-aware enough to realize that she and her siblings have been surviving at least in part on sheer dumb luck, and that continuing to do things that way is a disaster waiting to happen.


The Bad: The way the armadillos roll in, then spring open and start kicking and punching feels a little...cartoonish is the only description I can think of.  It just doesnt quite seem to fit in with the tone and setting of other contests or of other apps.

Dilla doesn't get as much characterization or personality development as the other app characters in this category do.  While we do get some sense of her overall outlook and value system, I definitely don't come away from this app with as clear of an image of her as with the other three.

Also, while I usually do not comment on SPAG, please learn to leave blank lines between paragraphs!  It makes it so much easier to read.


If You Get In: Ditch Dilla's siblings, pronto — they're a pretty flat group of NPCs.  Give us more sense of who Dilla is and how she behaves when not rolling into people.  And please use paragraph breaks.

———-
Bone Rattlers - Heat 2
Wenona
The Good: This is an interesting take on the concept — a Bone Rattler who is implied to have some level of actual supernatural talent, but clearly doesn't WANT the job because it conflicts with what she does want, namely the local lynx looker, Mikom.

You do an excellent job laying out the overall scene — I can vividly imagine the roaring fires and the lynx tribe's joy at such a bountiful hunt after a difficult year.

The Bad: The thing with the shimmering bones is an interesting hint, but you kind of dangle it without giving us enough sense of why it AI important.

I kinda felt like the lynx tribe felt like a cliche "generic Native American analogue culture" without anything particularly unique or memorable about it.

The biggest issue, though, is Mikom — for such an important NPC, he's a cardboard cutout.  We have no idea why he's so important to Wenona.  Do they actually have any real bond, or does Lynx Magazine's Sexiest Lynx Alive nor even know her name?  Is it even Mikom specifically that she wants, or is it more that her crush on Mikom being quashed represents her overall desire to be a normal tribesbeast and not a Bone Rattler?

If You Get In: Usually I'd be cautioning to not spend too much focus on an NPC.  Here, it's kind of the opposite — to a point.  We need to know enough about Mikom to understand why Wenona is interested enough in him to make her not want to be a Bone Rattler.  Also, if Wenona's ability is truly supernatural, come up with clear, specific rules for how it works, and stick to them.  You don't need to tell us how it works if you don't want to, but make sure *you* know how it works.  Give us more on Wenona other than just her crush and her glimmervision — her family background, personality, etc.

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Marrow
The Good: You definitely had me going there — I was caught entirely by surprise at the revelation that Jhoti was dead the whole time.  Marrow's astral projection opens all kinds of possibilities, plot wise.  It's a useful tool for the party to have, and it also potentially a source of danger if Marrow encounters hostile or dangerous souls/ghosts/other astral.  Ever seen any of the "Insidious" movies?

Marrow's emotions seem just right for someone who has clearly encountered this situation plenty of times before: it's stressful and it takes a real toll on him emotionally, but it's sometimes also rewarding enough to keep him coming back to it.

The Bad: I got some limited sense of the two NPCs at the end, but you could have done a better job describing them — I couldn't really imagine the scene that well once Marrow went back into his body.

If You Get In:  What I said to Wenona goes double for you.  You need to figure out early exactly how Marrow's abilities work, and exactly what he can and can't do with them.  You don't need to tell us, but you have to avoid just giving him new powers as the plot demands.  I also think you should explore the stressful side of them — has Marrow ever had trouble getting back into his body?  Has he ever been in danger — either astrally or physically — from the way he uses his abilities?  How did he even learn how to do this?

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Haar
The Good:  After a slightly clunky beginning, you hit your stride as Haar begins to get more and more exhausted and — no pun intended — rattled by the dance.  Haar's dilemma is an interesting one — a new, novice Bone Rattler delivering what is clearly shocking and controversial news before he's had time to fully establish his own credibility, or even be totally confident in what he's telling them.

The bit at the end is fascinating also.  Haar has enough self-awareness to resort to another fortune telling tradition that he's clearly far more comfortable with in order to check his own work, even though he's not supposed to.  This makes Haar come across as more grounded and level-headed than one would expect from a fortune teller.

The Bad: The "Cursed Forest?"  Not a particularly original name for the place where they have to go, and it's not fleshed out at all.  For all we know, their fear of it is purely cultural and psychological.  It kinda detracts from what I'm sure is supposed to be very frightening news.

If You Get In: Let Haar be more than just a shaman.  His youth and his shaky faith in his own prognostication means he doesn't need to be as rigidly traditional as you would expect from a Bone Rattler.  Haar getting to see more of the world outside his tribe should be a chance for him to further question what he knows and decide if he believes it or not.


Bone Rattlers Heat 1

Saoirse

The Good: This is a VERY clever re-imagining of the whole concept of the category.  Saoirse doesn't dance around shaking bones — she crushes and shatters them (poor woozle!) and interprets the sound — I love it!

You can just feel the frustration and resentment oozing out of Saoirse.  She goes along because she feels she doesn't have anything better to choose — not because she wants to or even cares.  The fact that her initial form of acting out is to play dead says it all.

Katalina Feron also has the makings of a terrifying villain.  Everybeast is scared of her, even — at least implicitly — Saoirse.  She's also apparently a really bad boss — she feeds Saoirse a guard.

Saoirse's app says she is just past adolescence.  That's a hard concept to convey with a snake, but you did an amazing job with it.  Saoirse reminds me of nothing so much as a teenager acting out because they feel (with good cause, in this case) powerless over their own life.

The Bad: Nothing really leaps out — I love this app.


If You Get In: Saoirse need some kind of emotional stake in the situation.  It's totally fine that she doesn't have much of one going in — I doubt she really believes they'll take her home — but she needs to develop one.  The prompt hints she might develop more loyalty and respect for Kango and his bunch than to Kastor.

Katalina and Kastor need some kind of plausible mechanism for trying to keep Saoirse in line — it doesn't make sense for them not to, since she clearly doesn't have any personal fealty to them and desperately wants to leave.

Also, while "sheltered" may not be the first adjective that comes to mind for a deadly fortune telling snake, I feel it's an appropriate one.  Saoirse lives in a dungeon, and it doesn't seem like she interacts much with anybeast other than her jailers and her prey, or that she has seen much of the world outside.  You should use this — show us her surprise, wonder, or even fear of the things she sees outside that she's never encountered before.  Maybe even a modestly-sized town or city is an incomprehensible noisy, chaotic, and confusing place for her.  Maybe she actually sucks at hunting the old fashioned way, having gotten accustomed to having helpless beasts tossed to her.

This is one of my favorites so far.

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Augur Wren
The Good: This is another really fascinating reinterpretation of the prompt — a former seer who has abandoned divination for deduction.  Augur comes across like a mix between a scout and a detective, mentally reconstructing what seems like an INCREDIBLY gruesome and disturbing scene from the various clues left around.  The app hints that she was once a conventional Bone Rattler, but discovered through time and experience that there are better ways to figure things out.

The scene you paint is incredibly vivid and gruesome.  The sensory language is fantastic — the desperation and terror of the townsfolk, the awful sights and smells, the grim conclusion Augur draws.  This whole scene is something out of a horror movie, and I mean that in a good way.  I think this is the most chilling app I can remember reading.

Also, I love my morally ambiguous female mustelids, I do.

The Bad: Again, as with Saoirse, this is one of my very favorites so far.

If You Get In: Augur is clearly a seasoned, level-head, practical beast, but don't let her be too chilly.  She needs to develop a personal stake in the party, and vice versa.  Depending on the composition of the group, I can easily see them starting to rely on her a lot to help them survive, given her skills and experience.  This is a role you should lean into — group leader/"den mother," and one that also will require Augur to go past her comfort zone.

Ugggghh.  I love both Augur and Saoirse so much.  I hate having to choose just one or the other.  Heat 1 is way stronger than Heat 2, IMHO.  And there's still another left!

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Gauta Firstflame
The Good: Wow, that escalated quickly.  Gauta starts out as a pretty classic Bone Rattler/seer archetype, albeit not a loner like many such characters.  However, it quickly becomes clear that she is teetering precariously on the ledge of mental stability.  The fire — implied to be a very large one — has clearly shaken her belief system and left her feeling lost.

As soon as Gauta started rambling about fire and chaos, I honestly thought she was going to kill Bonn and Rellan, but I'm actually really glad you didn't do that.  That would have been a cheap wham line, but not nearly as interesting as leaving them alive.  The fact that she didn't hurt them physically tells me that Gauta is not at this point so hopelessly crazy as to render her unable to function within the group or interact meaningfully with others.  And that's good, because making your character too crazy actually limits them in a lot of ways, a pitfall you've avoided.

The Bad: I would have expected all three fishers to be more shocked, sad, and emotional at Gauta's departure.  I get that she feels compelled, but ideally, the decision should have been much more painful and sad for her.  Even Bonn and Rellan's reactions seem a little muted considering the nature of what is going on.

If You Get In: Don't be in a rush to make Gauta crazier than she already is — she's at just the right level of crazy right now.

Also, as with Augur, I can easily see Gauta — a longtime wife and mother — being somebeast the younger party members end up bonding with and looking up to.


This is going to be a tough call.  Saoirse and Augur are two of the best apps I can remember reading in a long time, and choosing between them is going to be hard.  Gauta isn't quite at that level, IMHO, but she's still a very good, very solid character who I think could do really well.  If the competition wasn't so strong, she's shine more.

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The Terps.

Scorpio
Looks like our intrepid hare had a bad case of Wrong Genre Savvy.  Scorpio is an interesting concept — a remnant of the ruling Gila clans, who seeks revenge but can't kill beasts himself.

The fake out blood and the use of the rain as a trap are creative ideas.

The Bad: The idea that Scorpio could predict the rain THAT precisely and be so confident in his trap frankly seems a tad contrived.

Also, "I can't interfere more than X amount" is not a good character gimmick to have in a contest like this. And for the record, I don't use "gimmick" as an insult.  Every character in these contests has one or more gimmick(s).  But the limitations on interfering are not a good one.  For one thing, it comes off as kind of arbitrary — "I lured you into a death trap, so I'm totally not responsible for killing you!"

Also, you don't want anything that causes your character to have th hold the plot at arms length.

Lastly, Scorpio comes off as more of a commentator than a participant here.  I can easily imagine him sitting on a cliff with a bucket of popcorn watching the party struggle as he takes a sip of his Gila-Ade.  I'm not sure I can picture what his role inside the party would be.

If You Get In: Do not but do NOT make Scorpio a passive observer.  If you have to make him break his rules or reveal that he never believed them and just likes Bond villain death traps, that's still way better than having him just gloat as situations play out around him.

You need to work out early on what you want Scorpio's role in the group dynamics to be, and what he wants out of all this.  That doesn't mean the answers to those questions can't evolve over time — of course they will — but neither one should ever be a question mark.  Que sera sera is NOT a winning strategy here.

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Ixchel
The Good: Solid writing and descriptions all around, and I love ocelots!  They're adorable!

The twist at the end — assuming I read it correctly — is a good one.  It reads to me as though Ixchel is playing both sides.  The hare mentioned that the scouting party did find the Gila nest where Ixchel told them to, but that it was a costly victory.  The payment from the Gila makes it sound as though Ixchel intentionally steered the Ring into a trap with her fortune telling.  Which would kind of make sense — her cardinal rule is to truthfully interpret the signs and answer the questions she's asked as beasts ask them, not to volunteer information or serve any one side.

Ixchel comes across as kind of a mortal equivalent of an overly-literal genie.  "You wished to be famous, you never said it had to be for something good!"

The Bad: After seeing some of the really novel takes on the Bone Rattler concept, Ixchel almost seems too traditional.  We already are going to have at least two seer/shaman characters.  Do we really need another, if they don't have something else to them?

Ixchel's personality comes off as kind of flat and impassive.  Sure, she's playing both sides, but that doesn't mean she can't think or feel things about the conflict.  The hare is practically a cardboard cutout.

If You Get In: Give Ixchel more inner thoughts and feelings about something other than just the importance of the signs or what she wants to do with the cactus fruit.  Just because she's playing both sides doesn't mean she doesn't care.

Maybe both sides have given her cause to resent them, and she's secretly gleeful to see them harm each other.  Maybe she gets a thrill from the dangerous double game she's playing, or it makes her feel smarter than them.  Or conversely, maybe it makes her sad — perhaps she wishes she didn't have to cater to the Gilas, but they live nearby and she doesn't believe the Ring can or will protect her if she makes them mad.

Like I said to Scorpio, it is also important not let Ixchel be somebeast who is just a neutral arbiter of signs who just so happens to be along for the ride. Figure out early what her role in the party is, and what she wants out of all of this.

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Gilhert Greysand
The Good: The Greysand house — and Gilhert himself, at least at first — feel so cozy and reassuring!  However, you do a really good job weaving in a subtle sense of...spookiness?  Menace, perhaps? There's something about Gilhert that just doesn't seem quite right.  The way he casually mentions his father being murdered — with the clear implication that he did it, as well as his wife's nonchalant reaction — shows us this seemingly staid older fox has a dark side lurking just under the surface.

Gilhert is clearly not stupid — he and his wife have managed to build a comfortable life in a very harsh environment.  However, I get the impression that, as seers and fortune tellers go, he is not a particularly powerful one.  His actual advice seems limited to repackaging the same old desert agriculture tips over and over.  Never mind the fact that they clearly aren't working as well as they used to, it doesn't seem like Gilhert has any new material to give the prairie dogs.  I get the impression that, as much as he seems to resent his father's reputation, he relies on it quite a lot.

The candied cicada is a nice touch, too.


The Bad: Mrs. Greysand seems like a missed opportunity.  While we see that she isn't phased by talk of murder, their interactions could have been a nice window into Gilbert's personality.  However, we just don't get that much insight into their dynamic.


If You Get In: Gilhert seems both willing and able to effectively manipulate other characters.  Murderer or not, he doesn't come off as a combat character, but he could make a good villain protagonist or Token Evil Teammate.

[Zevka]

Beastmaster

Wilder Wapaw
The Good: As a devoted DC/Marvel fan, Wilder is a character archetype with which I am eminently familiar: a chronic loser who happens to stumble into power.

Wilder oozes desperation, nervousness, and exasperation.  Which is what makes it all the more surprising when we finally meet Kwetzacoatel. Kwetz appears to believe that Wilder is his pet/lackey, rather than the other way around.  I can definitely see lots of tension as Wilder tries to keep Kwetz happy, well-fed, and not-bored enough to avoid being eaten.

Having a giant alligator in tow is sure to create all kinds of dilemmas for Wilder.  If food or water get scarce, how does he stop Kwetz from eating the other characters — for that matter, does he even try to stop him?  Will Kwetz' presence make any local NPCs so hostile or frightened that the party as a whole suffers?  How does Wilder balance his obvious desire for respect and status with the need to remember that ultimately, he is not the one in control here?

Also, while Wilder may be kind of a loser, he is definitely the lovable kind, not the pathetic kind.


The Bad: That last part about Wilder not being in control could also turn into a bad if handled incorrectly.  Don't let Wilder spend so much time and energy babysitting Kwetz that it detracts from relationships with other characters.


If You Get In: At some point, you might consider having Wilder and Kwetz get separated for a while, so we can see more of who Wilder is when he's minus his alligator.  This would help highlight if and how having Kwetz around might change Wilder's personality or worldview.

And of course, make sure you develop Wilder's other abilities and traits, to ensure that you do not run afoul of the Mac Gargan Rule:



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Shoklok
The Good: Shoklok is definitely a unique, vivid twist on the beast master concept — a snapping turtle who seems to "collect" mammals.  You've done a really good take on a species I don't believe I've ever seen before in a story. 

I also like the worldbuilding here, with the different languages and such.

One thing I notice that's interesting is that Shoklok almost seems to marvel at the fact that looking at the kitten gives him the feels instead of making him hungry.  I get the impression that this is not the typical reaction for his species and/or culture, but that he's decided that "collecting" his twigs is more satisfying than eating them.  I can imagine a scenario where he discovered this by accident with somebeast he had intended to eat, only to realize he really didn't want to hurt them.

The cultural element of Shoklok's group — Trunk/Twigs, "the warm bright," etc. — suggest that Shoklok is trying to recreate some version of the culture he grew up in.  This raises some interesting questions about his motives and backstory.


The Bad: The way you present his killing of Bae's father, Folds, is very confusing to me.  Bae doesn't seem to show any grief or sadness over his father's death, but also seems to appreciate Shoklok's words honoring Folds for putting up such a fight.

Was Folds abusive?  If so, it makes sense that Shoklok could rationalize his actions as rescuing Bae.  But if that was the case, why praise Folds?  And if Folds was a good father, why doesn't Bae seem more emotional over the fact that Shoklok just showed up and killed him?  Neither interpretation really fits.

Some apps give too much exposition.  I think your app borders on giving us too little.  I have some sense of Shoklok's motive for going through what was surely a lot of trouble in getting all these kits around him, but I don't feel like I know as much as I should m.


If You Get In: Shoklok may find himself in the interesting situation of being surrounded by beasts who are likely to find his actions to be bizarre and disturbing at best, and outright unacceptable at worst.  You don't just need to show us how Shoklok started assembling his group, how he justifies it, and what is motives are — you need to let Shoklok show and/or tell other characters.  He probably has never really had to worry about explaining or justifying himself to others, but by making him do this, you can both get these points across to the audience, while also bridging what is likely to be an initially significant gap between Shoklok and the other characters.

You should also show us how Shoklok adjusts to suddenly not being in a position of authority anymore, at least at the beginning.  Of course, the same skills that let Shoklok assemble his group of Twigs could also be put to use within the party.


One more thing: I honestly don't understand all the ruckus that happened over this app.  Yeah, it's kinda dark, but so are lots of apps — for this contest and contests past.  I don't know whether I'll be voting for Shoklok to get in or not.  It's a pretty solid app, although I wasn't blown away by it like I have been by some of the others.  But if I don't vote for Shoklok, rest assured it will not be because it was too dark.

———-
Fernando
The Good: Fernando initially comes off as an arrogant, entitled brat.  However, in a surprising twist, it seems he actually does have the raw talent to at least potentially be able to back it up — his abilities are very impressive, and the Maestro's shocked reaction sells it perfectly.

I also love the concept of city guards wielding venomous spiders.


The Bad: The gratuitous Spanish sprinkled into this app was jarring and obnoxious, and it really didn't fit the rest of the app.  It also doesn't make much sense — this is clearly *not* a fantasy counterpart culture to any real civilization.  You've developed the framework of what seems like a pretty interesting fictional society that runs on abilities, rules, and social structures very different from those in any human culture.  Sprinkling dialogue from a separate human language other than the one being used — by necessity — to tell the story just doesn't work well.


If You Get In: Fernando may be a magical 19yo, but don't forget that he's still basically a kid, and specifically one from what sounds like a relatively sleepy corner of the world.  Make sure Fernando goes through the emotional and mental growth that comes with being exposed to a wider world full of all kinds of beasts and things that will be completely new to him.  Show us how having these abilities impacts his efforts to navigate all the things a beast on the edge between adulthood and adolescence would normally have to deal with.

Also, I'm going to give you the same warning I've given other characters with clearly supernatural abilities.  You need to figure out early what the rules are for Nando's abilities, what he can and cannot do with them, and why.  You don't have to tell us everything up front, but be sure that *you* know what the rules are so he doesn't end up with a random superpower lottery.

———-

Timbones
The Good: Timbones gonna walk around.  Sorry, couldn't resist.  In all seriousness, though, this is probably the most touching of the apps in this group.  Tim is being forced to leave home and the beasts who raised him behind, with both him and them facing uncertain futures.  You did a great job showing the closeness between Tim and Olna, and the mixture of pride, fear, and sadness surrounding the whole situation.

Tim is also in an interesting stage of developing his abilities.  All of the other apps seem to be about beasts with a fairly well developed command of their abilities.  Timbones is different — he has talent and raw information, but he's still learning, and he's fully aware of how much he doesn't yet know.

The Bad: There were some awkward turns of phrase here and there, and the line at the end about eating greens seems kinda out of sync with the overall emotional tone.

If You Get In: Tim's relationships with the rest of the party will likely be driven by two related but separate things: his loneliness as a beast who has just had to leave his family and life behind him, and his changing understanding of his own abilities.  Put in the time to show us how both of these shape his character interactions.

Also, Tim's learning process with his powers present a great opportunity to have him act as a surrogate for the audience in understanding the overall world/setting.  Use that to your advantage.


———-

Marunae
Hmm.  Well, Marunae seems to be all alone in her category — kind of surprising.

Anyway, though, this is a really good app.  We get a heartwarming, wistful story of an unlikely friendship crossing language and species barriers.  I get the impression that the time Heron and Marunae spent together was a really special, memorable thing for both of them.  This app made me smile.

Then we get a time skip.  I find it fascinating that Marunae and Heron recognize each other so instantaneously, and that he apparently was inspired to spend some of the intervening years learning her language.

Also, am I correct in understanding that Marunae is some kind of high-status nobility?  I'm basing this both on the "Great Family" references and the fact that it seems like she assumes — correctly — that, so long as nobeast directly sees her with Heron, she doesn't need to worry about being too closely scrutinized or questioned.

The Bad: Honestly, nothing really leaps out.  This was one of my favorites.

If You Get In: You'll need to strike a balance between the obvious importance of Heron to Marunae's story arc with the need to ensure that it doesn't crowd out Marunae's role in the party and the rest of the story.  Make sure you spend plenty of time building up her interactions with the other player characters, and that you find a way to fold Heron into the wider story arc.

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Ice Walkers

Emmanthea Pointe
The Good: This was an edge-of-my-seat app with lots of excitement off the start.  The hunting scene is written very well, and you do a great job working the flashbacks to Emmanthea's grandmother into the story. 

Emmanthea's emotions and the action within the app are very raw and powerful.  You can feel her fear, her exhaustion, and her euphoria at eventually triumphing.

The Bad: I still have no idea what the heck it was that Emmanthea was fighting.  This made it harder to visualize the scene.  I also don't entirely understand why a muskrat needs to go big game hunting anyway.  I know it's obviously a culturally important rite of passage, but I'm also assuming that Emmanthea's tribe actually does need to hunt for food.  I'm guessing that Emmanthea's tribe includes enough carnivores that even the herbivores in it have absorbed the cultural importance of hunting, but it's never totally clear.

If You Get In:  This is an excellent app, but the lack of dialogue means you have some work cut out for you in terms of establishing how Emmanthea interacts with others.  Show us off the bat how this experience and the confidence it has given her help shape the way she approaches the other characters and the wider group story arc.  Also, don't let Emmanthea fall into the trap of being too much of a loner — these contests do not reward that kind of character.

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Bahto
The Good: This app does a pretty good job of conveying the increasingly desperate state of affairs in the north.  The ending, with Bahto sharing the meat equally, is also surprisingly touching despite its simplicity.


The Bad:  The prose on this often feels kind of stiff and clunky, especially at the beginning, when you're telling us what Bahto believes in.  The fight scene — considering that it involvs wolves slugging it out on the ice — is also surprisingly slow and seems to drag a bit.


If You Get In: Bahto is definitely a contender for the role of older beast that the younger party members look up to as a protector and/or parental substitute.  Pretty much every contest has one of these, and for good reason: it's a role with lots of potential for good cast interactions and character development.  Seize on this role early.