Reviews? Maybe?

[carelesswhisper]

Poko - The Mentor

A trickle of musical notes carried through the crisp winter air as a fine crystalline dust blew in sparkling swirls around the young ferretmaid, Poko.

Beautiful imagery. 

Zevka winced at Poko's words. "I've been trying to look out for you...but I guess I haven't been doing real well at that, have I?"

Poko toed a circle in the snow. "Yeah, well... I guess it's been hard with Nyika getting in the way all the time."

This is such a step up from your last post.  I love that she is trying to hint and guilt Zevka and handling the situation with subtlety, feeling things out before she starts making outright accusations.   

Overall, I enjoyed this post.  *I* was able to empathise with Poko for once - up to this point, she has been so intent on pushing everyone away to deal with her own grief, and I feel like as a reader, I've also been unable to get close to her.  It's very refreshing to see that wall come down a bit, and I'm rooting for her much more now. 

[carelesswhisper]

Zevka - Let's Get Down To Business (to Defeat... The Moles!)

These four are banding together nicely.  I'm really liking the vibe between Zevka and Nessa, and I think that may be primarily because Nessa doesn't need a mother figure the way Nyika and Poko seem to. 

I know that in the Redwall series, moles are portrayed as being herbivores, but IRL, they are carnivorous and live primarily off insects and worms.  It would actually be kinda cool if these moles are more primal, IMO - make it that much harder to cut off their food supply. 

Speaking of the moles, and this goes for everyone, I'm really hoping to see some more tidbits in week three.  I realize you're still setting up the story somewhat, but I'm ready for some action. 

[carelesswhisper]

Gashrock - Gin and Tonic

I'm a little worried that Gashrock tries so hard to keep to herself and has no real interest in forming connections with the group, and also that you didn't move the plot along much.  I'm honestly not sure what Gashrock's agenda is.  I'm still a fan of the character, but I think you could benefit from getting a little more involved in the central plotline.  And I know that it's hard to do when there's so many characters, and you don't always get handed an appealing chunk of story to cover, but try to come up with whatever you can to make your character a necessary part of the plot.

[carelesswhisper]

Istvan - Painting Wings in Shades of Red

Oh dear.  Your title did not make me think what you probably intended.

I am very pleased to see things moving along here.  I'm a tad worried for Gashrock, especially, because the combination of her lack of involvement with the others and being in a dangerous spot could possibly have bad consequences for her being that the week is at an end, but I also trust that there are plans in motion and that, should she make it, good things will come of it in week 3. 

I want to see some aspect or behavior of Istvan that is not entirely smothered with religion.  I realize that may not be possible.  The mention of the relationship with his mother was a good start, though. 

[carelesswhisper]

Poko - Winging It

They had left her. They had left her all alone with the curmudgeony old owl. Now he was trying to order her around as if she were some kind of mini masked soldier.

Yes!  This is what I meant by poking fun at her teen angstyness.  The repetition of "they had left her" makes it *just* dramatic enough that it's funny, but not so over the top that I'm rolling my eyes. 

She had been in the middle of re-tying her foot wrapping which had become rather loose.

Nitpick, but "rather" is almost always an empty, unnecessary word.  Kind of like "ly" adverbs; I'm guilty of overusing them myself, but I have seen time and time again that when I trim them out, statements are stronger and my writing overall is tighter. 

"Oh scat!" Poko quailed, "Whadowedo???"

One question mark is sufficient.  More is not better when it comes to punctuation.  :P  There were a couple other instances where you did similar things, so I figured it was worth a mention.  Also - and I'm sorry, I don't know why I'm so caught on punctuation right now - there should be a period after "quailed", not a comma.  One does not quail dialogue. 

I liked this post.  I liked how Poko was able to team up with Noonahootin.  The ending had some nice warm fuzzies while staying true to character, as well.

[carelesswhisper]

Gashrock - Notes From Underground

I want to preface by saying that, due to the tie that was announced, I don't know if you're still in or not, and I'm a bit hesitant to comment on some things for that reason.  Don't want to rub salt into the hypothetical wound. 

As usual, Gashrock is entertaining.  I think you are one of the best, if not the best, at making your character personable.  Sure, she's prickly, but if I had to choose a character to hang out with, it would probably be her.  I just feel like I know her from the first sentence to the last. 

Where you struggle is moving the plot.  You have a history, now, of long, humorous exchanges, but when it comes to moving the story, you could use some work.  The reveal of the needle at the end was good, but it would have helped to take it a little further.  Get them unchained.  Move them to a new spot.  Uncover a new development.  Overhear some moles.  Whatever you can. 

I really hope you're not leaving just yet (but I also really hope that Nyika isn't either...) so for now, I'll just leave things at that. 

[carelesswhisper]

Vanessa - Hittin' on all Sixes

So many aspects of this felt forced to me.  You moved the plot along well, which I applaud, but the way in which it was done (to me) read so much as "Hm, I need the caves to collapse.  How can I twist the dialogue to make Nessa do something that would normally be a random careless act but in this instance will completely change the course of action?" 

And Nessa took on a much stronger role, here - again, yay! - but it was done in a way that actually seemed to alienate her a bit.  She used Istvan without his say so - forcing his hand in a situation that could have led to his death - without a second thought.  I guess I can finally see why Noonahootin would choose Istvan over her to lead everyone in his absence.  Which is good, I mean, it helps to be able to believe in everyone's motives; but this post just felt like such a reality check to me. 

It also really bugged me that in doing so many careless risky things, Vanessa ultimately wins.  She takes on hundreds of moles and gets away with a few not-life threatening-injuries (provided voting goes your way.)  She uses the others like pawns, only willing to rely on herself, even if it means risking her own life, and really (in my eyes) didn't ingratiate herself any more with any of the other characters except perhaps Zevka.  And she and Zevka were already pretty close anyway. 

I'm sorry if this all comes across as overly negative or harsh.  I'm in kind of a bad place right now and I will probably take a short break from reviewing after I'm done with this week.  That doesn't excuse me if I'm unable to give you notes that are actually helpful to you, though. 

There were some really good things in this post.  You got things moving, and you kept them that way.  You set things up beautifully for Nyika's post, which is something I quite appreciate - it makes for a much smoother transition between chapters.  You solidified a lot of Vanessa's character and personality for me, and even if it wasn't exactly what I was expecting, I at least know who she is, where she stands, and can think about what I might like to see from her in the future.  (Other than a romance with Zevka.  'Cause, I mean.)

[carelesswhisper]

Nyika - Nyikromancer in a Daydream

Whatever happened to the good old fashioned "use a song lyric for your post title"?  :P  Not that I have an issue with puns, but I feel like things can get overly cutesy when everyone is trying to make some kind of witty commentary on the story or punning like there's no tomorrow. 

So - YAY on incorporating ghosts (though I just want to say that I would love to see them in less meaningful ways, i.e., chattering on about things that have nothing to do with the story proper BUT not in a way that takes up space and feels like filler.  There is a fine line.  Walk it!)  Also yay on getting her together with Goragula. 

"Burr hurr, 'ee's backen!"

"Gurrt 'eavens!"

" 'E wurr deaden! Hoi seens it wit' moi ownen oiyes!"

'kay, I haven't read a Redwall book in over a decade, but I don't remember adding "en" to the end of every few words as being a legit aspect of molespeak...  not that you did that exactly, this just didn't seem genuine to me. 

I love that Risk is back, even if only as a ghost. 

I can totally see taking the infant is in character for Nyika, but part of me is just like NOOOOOO NO MORE BABIES EVER.  Please tread carefully! 

[carelesswhisper]

Gashrock - Details in the Fabric

It felt good to be armed and, if not exactly dangerous, several times more formidable than she had been just waiting for Blackbriar to cut her free. No?Zevka. While she'd hardly befriended the pine marten, somewhere in their captivity they'd progressed to a mutually first name basis.

Thank goodness.

So, I actually read the post several days ago, and for some reason, I couldn't understand why recovering the message was soooo frickin' important.  I'm glad I waited to review you.  I will say that it does seem a little forced - I think most people would be a lot more intent on getting out with their life than trying to decipher a mystery like this - but I can also accept that Gashrock is quite eccentric and doesn't seem very fazed by the thought of losing her life, as long as her story goes on. 

She wasn't sure if she understood him. She wasn't sure if she could. And yet, everything did fit together, in his mind. Truths were truths. They didn't pass out of style. All he really needed was a way to organize his ideas, pass them down.

I love this.  I love how insightful she is.  And the next line just kills it - you have a fantastic grasp of how to work humor. 

I hate that you weren't able to take a more active role until it was too late.  This post, for me, embodied every reason that I would have wanted Gashrock to stay in the story.  Granted, that's always my goal with a death post - make them hate themselves for what they have done! - but it still just sucks a bit. 

My only comment is that, I know your style is a bit bareboned, and I appreciate that, but something *slightly* more conclusive to tie things up at the end would have been nice, IMO.  Just one line.  Heh, just using "fin" would have even been cool.  But regardless, I am truly sorry to see you go. 

[TNT]

(Other than a romance with Zevka.  'Cause, I mean.)

Right? This is so deserving to be shipped. :P

[carelesswhisper]

Zevka - Bombing Smurfs

Her voice was a whisper. ?You know who also wants her mati? The ferret kit that your miserable little tribe just orphaned. Lots of other beasts died in your avalanche, too. That's a lot of kits and mates and friends who want a lot of beasts they can't have any more. So no, you can't have your ma. You're never going to have your ma again, because your ma killed a lot of beasts we care about, and so we probably gutted her like a fish.?

Well... dang.  Those are some sentiments I would never have seen coming from Zevka.  It works, though - it adds depth, even if it isn't completely rational. 

The mole flew through the air, and crashed straight into the owl. The harfang whirled around, its wicked beak lashing out. Blood sprayed across the snow, and Gypsumfur screamed. The harfang backpedaled, and then stared at the writhing mole for several moments, as though utterly stunned at witnessing the results of her actions. Poko seized the moment to put some distance between herself and the owl, while Zevka ran for her sword. Before she could retrieve it, however, the owl picked up the mole and took off, flying away as quickly as her wings would carry her.

;D ;D ;D ;D

Again, unexpected, but I'm pleased.  Though I do have to ask, was that planned from the beginning? 

"Nessa, please! I can't do this with you, too!" The marten's voice broke just a bit as she said this.

Right?  Right?!

Well, now that I'm less convinced that Gypsumfur is dead, I'm a little disappointed (because I was seriously cackling aloud... ahem.)  But I still like that he's not part of the group for the moment. 

You continue to impress me.  Zevka is solid as a character and of the remaining beasts, I feel like I know her the best - without your having to do immense amounts of back story or flashbacks. 

[carelesswhisper]

Noonahootin - Rattling Bones

Overwhelmingly, when I read your posts, I feel like you are crippling Noonahootin - literally and figuratively.  His physical wounds (which you have not been hesitant to increase and worsen from the start) make hands (wings?) on action difficult, and his emotions hinder with his ability to take charge and be a proactive leader.  I honestly forget that Noonahootin has the highest rank, because he just never seems to be leading.  I think he is also the most isolated of the group.  He is so intent on protecting everyone (even though I can't recall an instance where he actually saved anyone and wasn't actually rescued himself by another member of the group) that he is unable to open up and be vulnerable by connecting with the others. 

The surgery was... intense.  I'm just too lazy to really research and see how realistic it is, but I have taken care of many, many animals that had badly infected wounds.  The only time that we would have a vet cut away tissue would be if there was so much dead tissue that it wouldn't slough off naturally fast enough... and dead tissue doesn't have live nerves, so unless you nick the good stuff, you don't feel it much.  (And they usually would, to be fair, as they had to sort of scrape it off once they got down to the last layer.)  Normally, though, we would stick with draining the pus and then smothering it in either a salve or a cream and if it were something that would come in contact with the ground/still raw and open, bandage it.  Also, I've never experienced seeing like, a specific little chunk that is infected.  BUT, I am not a doctor, and as I said, I didn't do any real fact checking here.  It just seemed like... a lot... and though there was clearly some good bonding going on, and it took care of that whole "you refuse to be vulnerable!" thing I was going on about in the first part of this review, overall, I just felt like the gore was unnecessarily excessive at times. 

But I should also note that I have an overactive imagination when it comes to physical descriptions of pain and harm. 

You did some good things.  You really surprised me with Noonahootin's willingness to *let* the others help him for once, as opposed to not being able to stop them and then grudgingly thanking them.  I think he is adorable with Poko.  The dialogue when they cauterize the wound had me giggling.  It's easy to say that this post was too fillery, but I think the character development that happened completely compensated for that, and I see Noonahootin in a slightly different light. 

[carelesswhisper]

Istvan - Glass Eye

I have to admit, I've read the story bit three times now, and I'm just not quite getting whatever hidden meaning Zevka is.  Unless it's a literal story and Istvan worships his physical mother.  I don't know.  I feel stupid trying to figure it out. 

Istvan is so walled off, even to himself.  He is always "in character" - aside from the fact that I've seen that he does in fact have mercy, I don't feel that I know him any better than I did last week.  I just want a chink into his exterior. 

I very much like where you've left things and how you set things up for the next week.  You are consistently good at moving the plot in a believable way and you keep Istvan involved; I would just like to feel a little more invested in him. 

[Balmafula]

Ah... I'm relieved I'm not the only one who thought that Noonahootin's post was excessively gorey. I understand it was necessary to show everybody working together, but it was really unpleasant and hard to get through... In most movies they would have cut to black after Istvan and Zevka were approaching. Which is great for me because I can't stand that stuff. I dunno... maybe I'm just a powder-puff and everybody else is fine with it, but did it really have to be that long and gratuitous?

[Nyika]

Nyika - Nyikromancer in a Daydream

You didn't like my pun!! =T_T= It's from Ace of Base, Dancer in a Daydream. Actually, all my post titles have been song titles thus far. This just happens to be the first that's punny. But, I have to ask, how could I have said no?

It's funny you mention wanting to see ghosts in less meaningful ways. That's always been an idea for Nyika I wanted to pursue, but I have felt their current location has little demand for wandering haunts prattling on about nonsense. Perhaps when we reach Carrigul or a more developed locale I'll be able to explore this.

I do apologize for the molespeech. We're all a bit nervous when it comes to their manner of talking. I hope it didn't soil the rest of the post for you!!

Thank you so much for the feedback! It is much appreciated!