This is my thread. (Reviews, yo.)

Started by carelesswhisper, November 28, 2011, 06:44:32 PM

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carelesswhisper

Facepalm.  I've read the first half of that post several times over but always got distracted, and then just assumed that I had finished it because it wasn't marked as unread.  I'll read and review later today.  I feel like I'm probably the worst reviewer ever because I'm so absentminded.  T_T

carelesswhisper

Rousseau - We All Come Marching In

I've always felt that the "light conversation whilst having a spar with the enemies" ploy is a little cheesy and overdone.  It works somewhat here, as Rousseau and Alan are helping each other out a bit.  It's a pet peeve more than anything.  Anyway, it was short and relevant enough here that I didn't mind. 

My only other thing is that the ending is a little abrupt.  Abrupt is not the right word.  The final sentence just doesn't hold enough finality - it feels like even just one last sentence to give it a bit more closure would have done the job. 

Some good action happened in this post.  After reading the bits with Alan and Rousseau together, I better understand the growing camaraderie between them in Day 6.  I also felt like Tirian had a slightly more present role here, and depicting him as a little dense actually worked; up 'til this point, I felt like he was more a caricature than anything.  Overall, good job.

carelesswhisper

Toby:  Reread "Remembering Can Be A Pain", and while it is not shrouded in the hazy mist it was when I first read it, my one comment is that Toby and Alan are both awfully eloquent for an argument.  When most of us get mad, we're less able to put together coherent words and sentences, and while it's necessary for them as characters to deliver their dialogue and get the point across, it's important to find the balance between realism and necessity.  Otherwise, I felt like you did a really good job of keeping Toby in character while still allowing him to let off some steam. 

Rousseau

I very much liked that we got a chance to see Morleo's side of things.  My favorite part of the post was actually the end, where he has his exchange with Seren.  It really helped solidify his character and gave me a better idea of who Morleo really is.  He feels much more three dimensional, and as a writer, I think that was a great move.  I still kind of got the feeling that Tirian is whatever he needs to be at the moment, but it still fit well enough with what we've seen of his character so far. 

carelesswhisper

Alan

I feel like Alan really comes into his own as a character, here.  The exchange with Morleo was pretty much what I'd expect from Alan attempting to negotiate, but once he comes inside and checks on Konner, things intensify quite a bit - which I absolutely love.  I like the irony of saving the real tension for the part of the post in which the action is over. 

Also, really liked

Quote"This is it," he whispered.  "If this works, I promise you, I'll make a deal with the devil himself to get you back."

carelesswhisper

Rousseau

The title!  I squee'd.  I squee'd so hard.  :D  I actually had a list written a while back where I had matched up some of their songs to the surviving characters.  I think Rousseau got Timshel for the first verse, because it was kind of like Will's point of view to her, and yes, I am now babbling like a rabid fangirl. 

I'm also "argh"ing a little bit, mostly because every time Rousseau is alone with a member of her crew, they seem to be hitting on her.  And I don't know which one is supposed to be, like, The Love Interest, or if ANY of them are supposed to be, or if they're all actually mad for her and she chooses only one, or none, or ALL and I don't know.  So there's that. 

I was a little disappointed that the post ended when it did.  Mostly because, unless something ELSE happens plotwise in the next few posts (and it probably will, and I will look foolish, as per usual) either the duel might be covered by someone else, or there's a lot of filler coming this way.  I hope I am wrong.  I probably am.  :D

Rousseau

QuoteThe title!  I squee'd.  I squee'd so hard.    I actually had a list written a while back where I had matched up some of their songs to the surviving characters.  I think Rousseau got Timshel for the first verse, because it was kind of like Will's point of view to her, and yes, I am now babbling like a rabid fangirl.

You caught me :P I indeed based a lot of Rousseau and what Willump and Calder thought of her on the first verse of Timshel.  I probably would have named that chapter Timshel actually, but I figured Little Lion Man worked more with the context of the chapter.  But yes, Mumford and Sons is an amazing band.  A lot of their songs to be honest were inspiration for me while I wrote, most specifically Roll Away Your Stone and Timshel. I won't spoil the entire list of amazing songs I listened to as I wrote, but they all kept me writing well enough (although if you looked up all of my post titles in youtube, you'd probably find a song for at least 75% of them).

QuoteI'm also "argh"ing a little bit, mostly because every time Rousseau is alone with a member of her crew, they seem to be hitting on her.  And I don't know which one is supposed to be, like, The Love Interest, or if ANY of them are supposed to be, or if they're all actually mad for her and she chooses only one, or none, or ALL and I don't know.  So there's that.

Well, I could elaborate, but I'll not spoil you. Just be patient and you'll get all of this answered.

QuoteI was a little disappointed that the post ended when it did.  Mostly because, unless something ELSE happens plotwise in the next few posts (and it probably will, and I will look foolish, as per usual) either the duel might be covered by someone else, or there's a lot of filler coming this way.  I hope I am wrong.  I probably am. 

Day 7 is going to be fun.  That is all :)

Thank you for your review and sticking with us for so long.  I'm glad you've been keeping up with this story as it's helping me continue writing, knowing that people are still reading this.  Thank you yet again.
I'm Busy

carelesswhisper

Rousseau:  It really has been a blast keeping up with the story.  It's made me all nostalgic about writing, too, which is a big plus.  And knowing that other people listen to Mumford & Sons is awesome as well.  :P  I think they're vastly underappreciated! 

Tobias

For the first time, I feel like the writing and point of view are just a tad too clinical.  The situation and the way the characters are all under stress right now kind of really makes me want to see Toby and Adrian just cuddling for maybe the last time and having a heartbreaking conversation, or something.  I don't know, it just felt really light-hearted in a weird way.  Yes, I know he's ecstatic about the possibility of having someone who loves him for himself in his life (while still paranoid that she's patronizing him,) but... it just feels weird.  I can see them sparring to try to work off some of the anxiety, but the way they joke and banter back and forth feels too "happy" for the scene.  I don't know.  I think I'm being too picky. 

I'm hoping for one more falling-out between Toby and Alan.  The way Alan verbally degrades him (even though he degrades everyone) and the fact that it actually gets to Toby is what I'm really hoping will be touched on a bit.  I feel like the last argument left things a bit unresolved, and I want to see Toby and Alan getting angry about the things that actually bother them - not just throwing insults at each other. 

QuoteToby heard the unnerving stretching of bows behind him. He though for a second that one might misfire and hit him. What a terrible way to die.

I don't know why, but I found this hilarious.  Partially because I think like this all the time, and partially because it's just funny in this context. 

carelesswhisper

Alan

I really didn't have many comments on the way through, though I really liked some of the dialogue.  It felt very "right" and fitting. 

The ending was definitely a surprise.  I'm itching to know what will come of it, so here's to hoping there'll be new posts soon.  :P

Tobias

Quote from: carelesswhisper on February 25, 2012, 09:24:58 PM
For the first time, I feel like the writing and point of view are just a tad too clinical.  The situation and the way the characters are all under stress right now kind of really makes me want to see Toby and Adrian just cuddling for maybe the last time and having a heartbreaking conversation, or something.  I don't know, it just felt really light-hearted in a weird way.  Yes, I know he's ecstatic about the possibility of having someone who loves him for himself in his life (while still paranoid that she's patronizing him,) but... it just feels weird.  I can see them sparring to try to work off some of the anxiety, but the way they joke and banter back and forth feels too "happy" for the scene.  I don't know.  I think I'm being too picky.

That's not at all too picky, and I can see the strange tone you're seeing. I went about it in the sense that Adrian was trying to cheer Toby up because she saw his mental fragility from the conversation in the throne room. And Toby was desperate for an escape from thinking about the battle; sparring seems like sort of a strange answer to that, but it's a thing Toby really enjoys. It's their way of cuddling, maybe. I didn't want them to spend the time like they thought death was inevitable, I don't think they can be very pessimistic (or realistic) when they're together.

Also, thank you so much for reviewing throughout contest! It's always awesome to get a reader's perspective.