Ashy's Reviews...

[Captain Ashpaw]

Thought I'd jump in on this, since I'll be hanging around and reading. 

First, a few words on reviewing in general.  While some of you have taken an opportunity to address the reviewers, here are some things the contestants should keep in mind:

-Many of the reviewers have been where you are right now.  If you ever find yourself thinking "well, let's see THEM write this, then!" remember that, well, we HAVE.

-Most if not all of the reviewers (and I hope I'm not being super-arrogant by saying I'm one of them) know what we're talking about when it comes to writing.

-Some of what you're going to get in reviews is going to be necessarily condescending.  This is not a bad thing.  Telling someone in fine detail what they're doing right isn't particularly interesting for anybody.  But telling someone in fine detail what they're doing wrong should help teach them what to do different, and is very useful.  And will often come off as condescending, especially on the internet.

-If you want someone to tell you your bad writing is good, go ask your mom about it.  That would be a colossal waste of my time.  There's no reason to give reviews if they're going to be mindless praise or bland summaries. 

-As a corollary to the above: Unless you are a professional author (in which case why are you here?) you ought to detach your self-esteem from the quality of your writing.  To put it another way: I might hate your post but I don't hate you.

And finally, a piece of advice, from a several-time contestant: As tempting as it may be, arguing with reviewers will almost never gain you anything and will often cost you respect (and potentially earn you votes, if said reviewer takes things personally).  By all means, if someone gets a factual point wrong, or you need clarification on a point... fire away.  But if you're angry, step away and come back later.  You'll be glad you did.

Also, on having a reviewer completely misinterpret you: it happens.     

So... this post's getting a bit long.  I'll start reviewing apps shortly.

[Rath the Whirlwind]

I don't mean to argue, since you said not to, but I know plenty of reviewers who are quite capable of criticizing without being condescending.  

Just saying.  

And with that, those are some very good thoughts, and I look forward to your reviews, Captain.

[Damask the Minstrel]

*browraise*

Duly noted, sah. Review on.

[Eliza Lacrimosa]

Hmm. Those are some very good points, Ashy.

That being said, please don't be too... err... honest.

[Captain Ashpaw]

Bellona Littlebrush

We?re robbing the cradles these days, the dormouse realized, finally noting that the mouse was not the only creature just emerged from dibbunhood in their midst. But Martin?s Shadow needed bodies. Warm bodies full of youth and fire and revenge. They died with honor to be replaced by their littler brothers and sisters. Ever younger to replace the dead.

This was great, though I'd have placed the sentence breaks differently and played up the repetition a bit more.  

I have to say, Brandon comes off as very flat.  

Which is fine, because he was completely a throwaway character, but it's something you have to be careful with.  

Especially because Bellona's at risk of being the same... you're going to have to branch out to something other than "grizzled (if young) veteran" pretty quickly or you risk losing my interest.  It's very difficult to fit a well-rounded character into 600 words, though, so I'm not reading much into it yet.  So far it's not "something you're doing wrong" so much as "something bad you might fall into".  


Revel

[...]She had to get far away from here.

She stopped running as darkness fell on the woodlands. She fell back between the roots of a large oak, in a nice spot of grass without too many acorns to sweep away. She closed her eyes and put her paws over her stomach again. It only took a few minutes before a smile crept onto her face.

Little bit of "denouement-itis"... the climax of your little story was the reveal of the cannibalism and the rat's threat.  And then it kinda seems like you lost interest here, which I can sympathize with.  It's hard to keep the right sort of energy in your writing once you're past the "good part".  

A little much "she did this, she did that" in this section... in fact, you could cut it even more and glue some of the sentences together and it'd be better.  

I did like the character concept, though.  She's a cannibal, but she doesn't really seem totally deranged, which is quite interesting.  Also, the pacing and style at the beginning were very nice, and fit the character beautifully.


Suellyn

I'm having trouble reacting to this, especially since it's so short.  I have to admit I'd not have picked you had I been judging, as deceptively little of Suellyn's character comes through here.  She's obviously mentally ill in some fashion or another (this reads as clinical depression more than anorexia to me at this point... whichever you're going for, please do (or have already done) the research!).  But there's not a whole lot else to this.

Be very careful to let us know what she's like besides "miserable and self-destructive," and you'll do fine.  It's tricky, because if you suddenly let up on her misery, that's also a mistake...


Eliza

Beautiful writing style through the beginning.  Very stereotypically "snotty aristocrat," but that's fine... especially when the character comes through even in the narration.  You'll want to broaden that a bit.  

I guess my big problem here is that I was way more interested before she got beat up.  "Pretty and arrogant" is played surprisingly rarely in these contests, but "angsty" is a dime a dozen.  Your character will now go down the well-trodden road of "arrogant on the outside due to new insecurity and angst," unless I miss my guess.  You'll write it quite well, though!  YMMV, but I'd much rather have had this app end with her throwing Mr. Debonair to the side as she made her escape.  


Deadtail

A rapier isn't a throwing weapon.  They're too long and balanced at the end of the hilt, neither of which... okay, no one else cares about the details, but you Did Not Do The Research.  Just imagine trying to impale someone from a distance with one end of a yardstick, when you've got half a brick taped to the other end.  Doesn't work.

You're probably thinking I'm pedantic and it doesn't matter.  Well, I literally stopped reading the app to come rant about this for a paragraph or two.  Which probably isn't good for you, as a writer.

...

Now that I've finished reading, I have to admit that I'd just as soon not have put you in the contest, were I judging.  Not because you write especially poorly (I can't point to anything horrible in your app, besides the rapier thing), but because so far, you're not different from Bellona, and I much prefer her writing.  You have time to impress me, though, so go to it!   :)


Venril

Decent writing, albeit with some occasional SPAG issues (watch your hyphens!).  I might suggest editing more, it would do you some good with both that and with your tendency throughout the app to restate things/state the obvious.

Not to bring us all back to that mire of annoying rants in QBV reviews... but.  Too many adverbs--more to the point, too many unnecessary adverbs.  

?Hello?I?m Captain Venril.  I got promoted after Captain Stanip came to the Captains? meeting drunk and Baron Proklyan..err, tossed him out the tower window.  And he died.  Because it was a very long fall and he landed on some rocks.?

You're going to run into a problem with your writing style, and it is this: The other contestants don't write like this.  Their characters don't speak like this.  On the VI, maybe this works.  Here, you might do this sort of whimsical style really well, but you'll be the lone trombonist in a string quartet.  


Damask

The building was little more than a large-scale lean-to. One side tipped steeply inward, like a sapling in a stiff wind; the opposite was bowed to the point of mistaken identity. It looked more like the hull of a boat, so great was the curve. Mind you the smell and the clientele evoked similar seafaring images. The whole structure seemed to be supported by a pair of outbuildings: as if two younger siblings tried to support an elder, inebriated brother. The effect was disorienting to the robin -- Fates knew what it would do to one already drunk.

I see what you were trying to do here but I don't think you managed it.  The sentence breaks are sometimes in bad places, and it kept me from keeping up with the metaphors on the first reading.  I don't feel like the metaphors are interesting enough to be worth the somewhat awkward style.  

Also, what's with the random italics?  Damask is interjecting a thought, I presume, but if that's the case the "mind you" breaks the fourth wall... and then you promptly seal it back up again.

As a matter of policy, I don't like doing rewrites in reviews, but I'd have gone for something a little more like this:

From an inglorious perch on the side rail of the local's farm cart, Damask eyed the tavern up ahead -- though 'tavern' may have been too generous a term. The building was little more than a large-scale lean-to; one side tipped steeply inward, like a sapling in a stiff wind.  The opposite was bowed to the point of mistaken identity--it looked more like the hull of a boat, so great was the curve. The effect was disorienting enough to the sober robin.  Fates knew what it would do to one already drunk.

Rath

The dialogue at the beginning is epically cliche.  But the situation's quite interesting, and the writing is otherwise quite solid.  I'll chalk it up to them just mouthing trash-talk lines they'd heard before, then.  Fair enough.  

It would have been nice if you'd set off the "mental image" bit more distinctly.  You wanted to show its suddenness, I know, but it threw me out of the story on my first read-through.  A few small word choices are a bit off--reading aloud might help you with this.

Despite this, you may well be my early favorite.  You're the only one so far where I really want to see what happens next.


Keane

Eeeeep.  Quite strong writing, nice characterization, but this one's over the canon line for me.  And when I think you have canon issues, you've got problems.   :P

That said, nice job.  His self-justifying thoughts are a nice touch, though hopefully you'll be consistent with that... it'd be nice if he were actually that self-righteous and not just in one aspect of his life.  

---
Edited to correct an "it's"/"its" error... I know how to write, I swear!  :P

[Opal]

Deadtail

A rapier isn't a throwing weapon.  They're too long and balanced at the end of the hilt, neither of which... okay, no one else cares about the details, but you Did Not Do The Research.  Just imagine trying to impale someone from a distance with one end of a yardstick, when you've got half a brick taped to the other end.  Doesn't work.

I can't remember which book it's in (I want to say Marlfox, but I'm not sure), but I'm preeetty sure at some point a shrew threw a rapier at someone. So I guess...at least it's canon (maybe)? XD

[Captain Ashpaw]

Redwall canon: Physics optional.

:P

[Opal]

Pretty much!

Also, ermine are not stoats, according to canon. I learned that lesson the hard way. ;_;

[Damask the Minstrel]

I made that point to a friend who was reading the top 9: In a Redwall book, there were throwing rapiers. She brushed aside my comment and insisted they were silly.

So... I promise not to argue, but--

Some people -do- use an imaginary 'you' in their thoughts. I do. I know it's a little odd/crazy, but I really do think like a Pratchett novel. Probably because I read them too often. Sorry if it seemed like a 4th-wall break. It wasn't intended to be... sort of.

As for your rewrite: I do get your point. Honestly. But I love my figurative imagery and couldn't give it up. Though point taken on making it more readable. Perhaps I'll treat his thoughts more like speech and thus force speech grammatical conventions on it. But, yes. Italics = thoughts. Or emphasis. Though the context is always clear on which is intended.

[Captain Ashpaw]

See, that's kinda my point.  If you're going to go all Pratchett-y, which I love, you have to do it all the way.  

On a related point, having that sentence be a bit of internal monologue is problematic because it only makes sense in the context of the metaphor used in the narration.  Essentially, you have Damask "hearing" the narrator and then responding.  So it'd have been more appropriate to either make the whole thing a monologue or reframe that sentence so it fit into the narration.  

Alternatively, you could go all the way with it and have Damask talking over the narrator all the time.  It'd be gutsy, that's for sure!
 

[Damask the Minstrel]

Don't give me any ideas, dangit!

Now that little voice is saying, "An interactive narrator could be fun, Damask's writer!"

I definitely see your point. Fewer asides, keep that exposition tight. *salutes*

[Rath the Whirlwind]

Thanks much, Ashpaw.  I'll be sure to read my posts out loud in the future. 

[Bellona Littlebrush]

*salutes* Thank you, Captain. I'll try to keep from falling into any bad habits/writing for the duration of the contest. I'll also work on making my NPCs more rounded. As you said, Brandon was a throwaway character, I had no plans for him in my app outside of: 'arrow to the neck'. I don't plan on the rest of my named NPCs being quite so one-dimensional and expendable.

[Venril]

I understand the point about writing style.  Granted, I normally don't write quite in that fashion, but I'll try to be conscientous of not being the dissonant note in the band.

[Revel]

Yes, Thank you, Mr. Ashpaw! You handsome beast, you. :-*

About Venril's dialog, I think it's okay if he talks different than the rest of us. He is a clerk after all and much more learned. As well as being a little socially akward.


:mspacman: ~ Rev