Reviews from an Evil Ferret Lass

[Ashira]

Beware ye, all who enter here, for Ashira shall be sitting hellside and handing out reviews to the unwitting RV5ers.  Good luck to you all.

This is Oni, if any of you are confused, and I have decided that I should at least read one contest and since I thought all the characters were promising, I thought I'd choose this.  Be warned: I am a Junior in college.  I barely have any free time at all, so if I don't get around to reviewing you every week, don't be surprised.  All of my college professors seem to forget that I'm taking more than one class this quarter and my work pile is so high it's swaying dangerously.  I'll do my best to keep up with the contest, though.

Tara:
Nice intro, it certainly sets up an interesting story.  Am I to believe, then, that all the vermin are on Captain Matukhana's side and all the woodlanders are on Sagaru's side?  I suppose it's nice that you don't make presumptions about what the characters are going to do, but that makes it all a little confusing.  Oh well, I guess I'm just going to see what everyone else writes.

Damask:
Your writing was impressive in your application, even if I felt you gave us a better depiction of the surroundings than the overall workings of your character.  That's one thing I would caution you on: your descriptions are good but don't forget about your character.  I suppose we can attribute the descriptions to Damask's obviously creative mind, but still, you're walking a fine line.  

Now, how did Damask get out of the situation so fast?  He managed to peck a whole in the wall and when the vermin hit him he fell straight through, right?  I guess that was some really weak wood.  I'll bite, for now.

Now I have reached the end and I'm well and truly confused.  You did a much better job of showing us your character's thoughts this time around and already we have a sense that he's an occasionally clumsy fellow, if clever.  He lets his mind wander away on tangents when it probably shouldn't, but so far I like this character.

On the other paw, though, I had difficulty figuring out that Bellonna was the first creature Damask met when he got back from whatever scouting he'd been doing.  I thought she was awaiting him in the tent, but then we get to the tent and it's the grumpy captain and a side-note that Bellonna said he was angry.  Try to be a little clearer next time.

You were obviously going for a less than clear beginning to hook the reader and I am most certainly interested to learn what the heck is going on, and I hope this all comes together in the next few posts.  Keep it up!

That's the end of my review session.  I have an assigned essay squatting and staring angrily at me on my desk and I must attend to it.

Good luck everyone!

[Damask the Minstrel]

I'll keep that in mind about the character.

As for the hole in the wall: I mentioned this to another reviewer. I weighed the reality of what a kick would do to a bird's bones (though I'm not sure it would crush him outright) against the style of the escape. I chose style, even if it does require a little suspension of disbelief.

"On the other paw, though, I had difficulty figuring out that Bellonna was the first creature Damask met when he got back from whatever scouting he'd been doing."

Really? Hmm... I'll keep that in mind. It seemed clear to me, but then again, I'm in my own head. Same issue as with Ashy, then. Must be more precise.

Thanks much!

[Ashira]

Bellona:

I liked your application almost instantly when I read it, but then I am a sucker for battle-worn veterans.  Your writing was also very strong, though, and you showed a side at least not often seen in either the books or some fanfiction: the bitter reality.  The good guys don't always win and they certainly don't always come out of battle unscathed, and your character actually reflects that bitterness and has learned from experience.  Nice preview.

But again with the confusion!  I have no idea what is going on and even though I realize you're all writing up to some sort of crossing, it's hard to keep it together in the grand scheme of things.  Who is Prince Nashald?  I gathered from your post that he's the one who kept Damask temporarily hostage, but is he in anyway connected with Tara's initial entry post?

It almost would've been better if Tara hasn't posted anything at all, and then I wouldn't be constantly trying to fit it in with her prologue. 

Again, though, your writing was strong and that equally matches your character.  Quite possibly my favorite of all nine characters.  Maybe.  I'll have to read everyone else.  It's rather amusing to see her tell off all the younger soldiers for being so unbelievably naive, especially since a grumpy, bitter soldier is hardly ever written about in Redwall fanfiction.

Yes, not much to critique with your first post, but then I also felt there wasn't a whole heck of a lot of plot or story moving either.  More like it was just there because you had to write something.  I appreciate the look at your character, especially since it was the first week, but I'd dearly love a little more information next time.

Now, this ferret needs to get to bed.   

[Ashira]

Revel

Yours is another application I instantly liked.   Revel has a sort of down-to-earth manner that completely covers up the idea that she might at all be vicious or like to eat her prey.  I can't imagine eating woodlanders is that frowned upon among vermin, but it was something that wasn't common up until 'Rakkety Tam.'  Not a detail I'd get hung up on.

Now, your post: This is where many a contestant have met their death--staying alone will kill you and I'm sure you know this.  While your writing continues to remain strong, I do think this post suffered a from little reaction with anything else.    You just kinda walked along and described the scenery, but admittedly moved somewhere.

Also, unless you intend on bringing Revel's old gang into the story in the future, I almost find the beginning with them completely unnecessary.  You made it abundantly clear that she would not be welcomed and I figured this gang would be too bothered to punish her for her ways.

Otherwise, a decent post.  Again, I realize this is the beginning and you're all still working things out so I'm not going to punish any of you too hard for some of these little mistakes. There's always a little twisting at the beginning to get things done.

Anyway, good luck in the contest!

Deadtail

I am really not used to all the applicants bringing in the various NPCs in their applications into the story with them.  Usually it's presumed that they've long left that post, so seeing everyone tying back to their original application is a little bizarre.  Is this a new contest rule or just a presumption of continuity?  Just curious.

I also liked your application pretty well though it, in many ways, mirrored Bellonna.  Battlescarred veteran stays behind the young cannon fodder, because he's smarter than that.  Your writing is also strong, like much of your competition, but I think you would've done a little  better talking more about Deadtail himself than some silly captain we won't encounter again.  I can appreciate the details gone into this to at least flesh the scenario out, but you're now in a character contest and your character needs some meat and bones on its skeleton.

Try to remember that for your next post.  Now that he's deserted, I expect to hear a lot more about him.  Good luck to you too!

[Ashira]

Okay, I'm sorry for the doublepost, but I figured that I might as well finish off the last chapter while I still had time.

Suellyn

Your app was undoubtedly my least favorite.  Your writing was strong and so was your characterization, but it only led me to think, "What will does she have to survive?  None."  I kind of figured you'd adapt the "search for her husband" goal for her--and you have, judging by your post--but I figured it wouldn't last since she's such an anorexic and can't eat.  You're definitely going to have to work the hardest to prove to me that you should continue to remain in the competition.

I had a feeling Revel was going to end up with you when I read the end of her post.  Although, I had figured you would be at the table when she came in, but these circumstances definitely work in your favor.  Although, I do admit that I have to wonder how long Suellyn hung around that pool so that Revel could cook and eat before she got back.  How far away is this pool?  You'd think she might've heard the screaming.

Well, as I said in my previous reviews, this is the first week so I won't nitpick too hard and your circumstances have been considerably more plausible than some of the other ones.  

Edit: After reading over my initial review, I don't think I said enough.  I found it very amusing how presumptuous Suellyn was toward Revel, and I imagine that's going to bite her in the butt by the end of the contest.  Although it certainly lends an insight into her personality, always willing to think the best of someone before the worst.  So, she's certainly an optimist of some sort, even if she's just wallowing over her husband right now.  I am eager to see what the two of you can do with your characters together.

You wouldn't believe how much it frightened me that I'm starting to sound a little like my despised Textual Analysis professor.  Must.  Stop. That!  Aaaaah!

Anyway, good luck to you too.

[Revel]

I am really not used to all the applicants bringing in the various NPCs in their applications into the story with them.  Usually it's presumed that they've long left that post, so seeing everyone tying back to their original application is a little bizarre.  Is this a new contest rule or just a presumption of continuity?  Just curious.

And we're off and running! Apologies for the delay, but as you may have noticed, the prologue for this round is much more open-ended than the last, and it took a bit more planning on how everyone was going to get there other than last round's: "Right, you're a corsair. You're a slave. Go." I didn't want to start without everyone at least having a vague plan of how they were going to begin. I must warn you now, a bit of flashing back may be necessary for the first round of posts but this is also my fault, again, for leaving it so open-ended. So consider that before you anti-flashback mobs grab too many torches and pitchforks and begin howling for contestant blood. But hopefully this will also leave the contestants with enough freedom to create a truly original and awesome story. :)

I think that answers your question?  ;)

Thank you for the review! My problem is that Revel is the kind of character who really just would prefer to stay where she is whenever she comes across someplace nice. Reinforcing her old gang's views on her helps to explain why she's leaving the forest entirely.

This was given away in the prologue I think, but our other problem is that our destination is not one any of us want to go to. In Questors Bold 5 everyone wanted to go to Redwall. It didn't matter where they started because they had drive to get to their destination. It matters where we start, because if we don't explain why we're leaving the places we're at in our apps, it doesn't make sense for the character to be going there without lots of flashbacks to show their reasons. So we're getting through flashback country by keeping things chronologically sound.

The vermin in Rakkety Tam were also foreigners from the Northlands. Cannabalism has only been seen in Folgrim the otter and the two ermine in Bellmaker who are from the Northlands. No regular vermin has eaten another sentient creature, unless I'm mistaken.

:mspacman: ~ Rev

[Suellyn]

it only led me to think, "What will does she have to survive?  None."  I kind of figured you'd adapt the "search for her husband" goal for her--and you have, judging by your post--but I figured it wouldn't last since she's such an anorexic and can't eat.  

so it's not so much the "search for her husband" that is important, but rather the search for her will to live. *nods*

I do admit that I have to wonder how long Suellyn hung around that pool so that Revel could cook and eat before she got back.  How far away is this pool?  You'd think she might've heard the screaming.

The pool was a ways away but the stew was already on the stove so it would have just amounted to chopping up Mr. Hog and adding him to what was there. And I don't think Revvie really minded all that much that he wasn't well done, aye Revvie?

[Sycamore]

so it's not so much the "search for her husband" that is important, but rather the search for her will to live. *nods*

Arrgh. I know we kinda mentioned this in other posts about talking about things outside the story, but I would have loved to figure that out on my own.

[Revel]

Aye, Sue.  :D 'E was just a bit o' quick flavourin' to taste!

[Ashira]

Revel, I do know the Redwall books.  I remember the hints at cannabalism in Folgrim, but my point is that vermin tend to roast birds and other hapless creatures.  Why wouldn't they eat woodlanders?  I don't think her cannibalism is that disorderly.

Also, Susie, just from your app your character was simply content to wallow over her husband and not do anything.  The only reason why she's doing anything now is because she's apart of the story and has to move somewhere.  Despite the good reasons you may have put behind it to get her to go out in search, it didn't strike me as a natural reaction from her, but a plot-driven action.  Maybe in another post you can show me why it's not a plot-driven trait and why she actually does have the gumption to search for her husband.

[Cairn Destop]

I too found the search idea a plot driven one rather than a character driven push.  Of course, we can also take it that with another creature to care for, and one that appeals to our hedgehog's motherly instincts, Suellyn has connected two quests into one.  I'll be looking forward to Revel's reaction to a walking meal trying to locate her mate.

[Sparrowhawk]

Why wouldn't they eat woodlanders?

I know I should probably let the author handle this one, buuut...

Vermin are shown eating meat in the books, but it is always the "dumb beasts" of the Redwall universe - fish and small birds. There's kind of a big difference between eating an animal that warbles and hops around and doesn't speak or display any sign of advanced intelligence and eating something that walks on two legs like you, wears clothes and speaks your language.

And yeah, I know BJ isn't always consistent as far as what's sentient and what's not, but it seems to me that in most all the books woodpigeons are considered fair game. ;)

[Sycamore]

Not entirely true. We see cannibals all the time. Flitchaye, Gawtrybe, all those creatures. But what you said there is reversed. It's the dumb ones that eat the sentient critters and not the sentient critters eating the dumb ones.

Revel is like a nice mix between the two. A sentient critter eating a sentient critter.

[Ashira]

I still don't find that a very convincing argument.

Meat is meat is meat no matter where you find it, and we also have been given plenty examples that vermin don't often care to have moral standings.

But I digress.  I really don't care, as I said this is the beginning and there's always going to be a lot of twisting and bending to fit in with the prologue.  I'll just go ahead and play along that it's taboo.

[Sparrowhawk]

well I'd still consider the "primitive" creatures like the Painted Ones, Gawtrybe, etc. to be sentient. They're smart enough to create their own culture, after all, it just happens to be quite a bit different from the one your standard Abbeybeast or vermin is accustomed to.

apologies for taking your thread off on this tangent, Ashira, I just enjoy these little debates too much :P